Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[Phil laughs] Hey!

Hey, Phil, what's up?

Got my first date with Zoey tonight.

All right, so what do you think I should go with?

"That's right, I'm bad, and I know it,"

or "I'm dating a movie star!"

Well, as a fashion icon I always go by one rule:

Keep it baggy around the boys.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

We're trying to decide what I should wear

on my date with Zoey tonight.

Mm. Jeans from the left, jacket from the right,

and a whole lot less cologne.

So where are you taking Zoey?

Jean-George.

Oh, good choice. Zoey loves the lobster tartine there.

How do you know that?

Oh, no, People magazine.

Yeah, I read it cover-to-cover between my patients.

And contrary to the stereotype,

all of the magazines in my waiting room are up-to-date.

Unlike Lindsay Lohan's cork wedges.

What?

I'm looking for a "Y" chromosome.

[cell phone rings]

Excuse me, movie star calling.

So she's a movie star. Big deal.

She's no different from any of us.

Except that she has three million Twitter followers

and you have a hard time handling two e-mail accounts.

It's a lot to juggle, all right?

Although I am thinking of giving up my AOL account.

Nothing screams "over 40"

like livinlavidaholly@aol.com

Three million followers.

Imagine all those people hanging on your every word.

Maybe I should go on Twitter.

I have interesting thoughts to share.

I haven't heard any, but I've only lived with you

for three years.

Uh-huh.

So you think you're more interesting than me?

Oh-ho! Leaps and bounds, my friend.

For the record, I think you're both boring.

I've zoned out twice since this conversation started.

All right, how about a little friendly competition?

We'll both set up Twitter accounts

and whoever gets the most followers wins.

Please, you couldn't even get your shadow to follow you.

You're on!

Damn.

What's the matter?

Zoey changed our reservation

to some little out-of-the-way place in Brooklyn.

Wait, so you're stuck in a romantic restaurant

with a beautiful woman? Why, God, why?

No, you don't get it.

The paparazzi will never find us there.

I'm dating a movie star and I want the world to see it.

Well, you could always tip off TMZ.

You know, I once made a few bucks

when I spotted Melissa McCarthy at a Lady Foot Locker.

TMZ, huh?

Phil, you're not actually considering doing this?

I mean, it's completely shallow, vain, and despicable.

I can live with that.

[upbeat music]

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

So there I am. Ten years old,

Run-DMC's playing at the Garden, and I'm begging my parents.

I'm like, "Please, you gotta let me go."

They're like, "Fine. Under one condition.

You take your Nana."

[both laughs]

Oh, my God. You went to a rap show with your grandma?

Yeah, but she was so cool, man.

I got her a Kangol hat, some gold chains.

Yeah, she even let me draw Adidas stripes

on her orthopedic shoes.

[both laugh]

Okay, she sounds bad-ass.

Yeah, runs in the family.

[giggles]

I got to tell you,

this is going a lot different than I thought it would.

How'd you think it would go?

You're a movie star,

so I thought we'd be talking about you all night.

Please. I talk about me 24/7.

I could use the break.

Besides, you're hilarious and adorable.

Well, then let's talk about that.

[laughs]

By the way, thank you for coming all the way out here.

A lot of guys just want to go to some flashy restaurant

so they can get their picture in the paper.

People do that?

One guy even tipped off TMZ.

You know,

why don't we get out of here and get dessert someplace else?

Okay?

But we haven't even finished dinner.

Anyway, I'm feeling real comfortable right here.

Oh no. I am so sorry, Phil.

Somebody must have tipped them off.

Would either of you care to hear my latest pearl

from my Twitter feed?

- Not at all. - No, thank you.

Very well.

"If you stare at an old lady on the subway long enough,

she'll give you her seat."

#ScareTheElderly.

How about #YoureAnIdiot.

Hello, all. My Twitter feed is up and running.

Who wants to hear my bio?

- No, thank you. - Not me.

All right.

I'm Dr. Stuart Gardner, successful New York dentist.

I specialize in analgesic dentistry

and wry observations on this crazy trip we call life.

It's going to be like taking candy

from a very dull baby.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey!

There he is!

Hey, how'd it go with Zoey?

What did she wear? What did she eat?

Did you get me her fork like you promised?

Zoey is amazing, all right?

Best date ever.

But unfortunately, we had to cut it short

when the damn paparazzi showed up.

You mean the damn paparazzi you called.

Okay. Okay, so, yeah.

I was stupid for doing that.

But look, how was I supposed to know she was so great

and that I'd like her so much?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So that's a negative on the fork?

Hey, check it out.

Somebody posted a picture of you two

on Zoey's Twitter feed.

No, really? What did they saying about me?

Nothing. All good stuff.

Let me see that.

"What's Zoey doing with that nobody?"

Nobody?

Well, you know what,

there's always going to be one hater out there.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

Why don't you read another one?

"I can't decide. Are his ears too small or his head too big?

Dude's got baby ears."

[laughs]

All right, now.

These aren't baby ears.

These are man ears.

"Hey Zoey fans, just did a quick search,

and Baby Ears' name is Phil Chase."

"Hey, Phil Chase, your face is stupid and I hate you."

That's not even clever. They're just mean.

Hey, here's one in Spanish.

"Creo que Phil Chase, parece estupido."

Sounds positive.

[upbeat music]

Oh, hey, Stu.

Guess who has 50 followers?

[whistles]

Ah, that's impressive, Haskell.

Especially since I only have 12....

hundred! Bam!

What? That's impossible!

Oh, no, my bad. Now it's 1,205.

So at the risk of being redundant,

bam!

What the hell could you possibly be saying

that people find interesting?

Let me read you a sample Tweet:

"If you want to make a candle last longer,

keep it in the freezer."

I don't get it.

Oh, you see, the cold helps the wax.

Makes it last...

No, I understand your stupid tip.

I just don't get who on earth would give a crap.

Well, Mr. G.K. Gunaratna of Mumbai just said,

"You're killing it, brah."

Nah!

[knock on door]

It just doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't...

Hi, I'm Zoey. Is Phil here?

You're her.

Look, it's not for me,

but could I get a French kiss for my nephew?

Come in, please, Ms. Banks. Come in. Come in.

Sorry. Sorry about Haskell.

He's never met a movie star before, so he's...

I'm Stuart.

I don't know why I just did that.

I'm sorry.

Uh, Phil. Phil!

What's going on?

Zoey. Hey.

Hey, Phil. Is there someplace we can talk?

Uh, feel free to use the kitchen.

Thanks, Stuart.

My pleasure.

I don't know what's wrong with me!

Zoey, not that I'm complaining,

but what are you doing here?

I don't know if you've seen it, but some of my fans

have been saying some pretty mean things about you.

What?

Hadn't noticed.

Well, they have, and I'm sorry.

They can get pretty vicious when I start dating a new guy.

None of this would have even happened

if the paparazzi hadn't shown up.

It's not a problem. I've got thick skin.

Besides, who cares if some stupid guy

thinks I have baby ears.

I might have read one or two.

Well, not to worry. I love those little puka shells.

[chuckles]

They are cute, aren't they?

Adorable.

Listen, tonight I'm going to the Manhattan Film Critics Awards.

To show my fans you're important to me,

why don't you come as my date?

Are you saying you want to show me off?

That's what I'm saying.

Hey.

[both laugh]

I have to get there early to do some press.

This will get you past security.

Why don't we just head to the after party right now?

[ cell phone rings]

Oh. Sorry. I've got to take this.

Do you mind?

False alarm, y'all.

All's good in Zoey Land.

Okay.

I still can't believe there's a movie star in our apartment.

I feel like I should do something to impress her.

Oh, why don't you tell her to put a candle in the freezer

and then curtsey again?

Hey, Phil.

Listen, I've been reading all of those horrible Tweets

and I don't think you have beady eyes, chipmunk cheeks,

or an E.T. head.

Well, you don't have to worry about it.

All is good with Zoey and me.

As a matter of fact,

she's taking me to an award show tonight.

Great! And this time you won't have to alert the paparazzi

because they'll already be there.

[Phil laughs]

What? You mean you're the one who tipped them off last night?

Yes, but...

So this is what that was all about.

You just wanted to be seen with a star?

I trusted you and you set me up?

- I can explain. - Don't bother.

I wouldn't believe it anyway.

[door slams]

I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean...

Well, you did.

[upbeat music]

Phil didn't accept your apology basket?

No.

(Eden) Well, I'll take it.

I've got an uncle who's taken a turn for the worse.

It'll give me something to snack on while I'm visiting.

I don't even know why I feel so guilty.

If Phil hadn't called the paparazzi,

there would have been nothing for me to accidentally blurt.

You're totally blameless.

How can you say that?

If I hadn't opened my big mouth,

none of this would have happened.

That's true.

Don't you judge me. You weren't even there.

I feel like I should do something,

but maybe I should just stay out of it.

Maybe you should.

How could you be so heartless?

I just destroyed a man's relationship.

I need to do something, but what?

What? Don't just stand there.

Say something.

Before I do, can we agree on a safe word?

I know. Zoey's going to be at that award show tonight.

All I have to do is go down there

and catch her before she gets in.

- Eden. - Asparagus.

What?

That's going to be my safe word.

So should I go down there?

Yes. No. Maybe.

Great! All right. I've got 30 minutes to get ready.

Help me squeeze into something sexy.

You might have to move some stuff around.

Asparagus.

[upbeat music]

Hello.

Hi, can I see your pass, please?

Oh, it's not around my neck?

Oh, it was there just a second ago.

It must have slipped down.

Can you see it?

No.

Are you sure? Take a look.

Take a long, lingering look.

Nope, still don't see it. Thanks for the peek, though.

Now back behind the rope.

No, you peeked.

And a peek is as good as a pass.

It's an implied contract. I'm a lawyer.

Back behind the rope.

You'll see these in court.

There you are, Alfonso.

I haven't seen you since Cannes.

You absolutely should have won the Palme D'Or.

You were hosed.

- But I'm not... - Hosed!

You know, I'm not who you think I am.

Are any of us?

Now go stand over there and ponder that.

Zoey!

Miss! Over here!

What?

- Oh. - Show us your dress!

(photographer) Who are you?

Just another innocent ing?nue, spewed out by the dream machine.

"Fall sunrises are the best.

Re-tweet if you agree."

Hey, Haskell. I just reached the 5,000 mark.

Is that good?

How the hell are you getting all these people to follow you?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just number sign blessed!

It's hashtag! Hashtag!

All right, two can play at this Stuart lame game.

All right.

"Roll neck sweaters are like a warm hug."

I just lost five followers.

What are you doing?

Oh, I want to watch the award show.

I'm in a fantasy fashion pool.

How insensitive can you be?

Phil is in the next room heartbroken over Zoey.

Every time he sees her face a little piece of him will die.

Because he knows that he screwed up the best thing he ever had.

Hey, champ.

You know what, why don't I just turn off the TV?

Oh, no, it's okay.

I screwed up big time, man.

I'm going to have to get used to seeing her face.

Hey, is it me,

or does that tall woman shamelessly mugging

for the camera look like Holly?

(Haskell) It is Holly!

What is she doing there?

Oh my...

She must be trying to fix things with me and Zoey.

No! Hey! Get off the red carpet, girl!

Get your ass off the carpet!

You... you know she can't hear you, right?

She will when I get down there.

[upbeat music]

I'm here with the beautiful and talented Zoey Banks

who's got a movie coming out next week.

Tell us about it.

Well, it's been a passion project of mine for years.

It goes back to a time when women were invisible in society

and had no voice.

- Hello. - Holly?

- May I speak to you? - Excuse me.

We're kind of in the middle of an interview.

Okay, well, we'll be right back

and then I'll tell you who I'm wearing

and what I'm not.

What are you doing here?

- It's about Phil. - Yeah, that's just not...

I know he screwed up, all right?

He got caught up in all of this.

Some people just can't handle it.

Oh.

Listen. He's a great guy.

And he really likes you.

Well, I'm sorry. I just can't be with someone I don't trust.

Phil's really crushed.

Please, give him another chance.

Yeah, I've got to go.

Holly?

What the hell are you doing here?

You're going to embarrass me and make things worse.

No, nobody's getting embarrassed.

Zoey! Zoey!

Would you just stop it?

And now you're here?

I don't know what's going on,

but would you please just leave?

Yes, I'll leave.

But since I'm here, there's something I want to say.

We're listening.

- Do you mind? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Give 'em room, people!

Yes?

I screwed up big-time.

And calling the paparazzi

was the stupidest thing I've ever done.

I just wanted to brag that I was out with a movie star.

Funny thing happened on our date.

I fell for the girl, not the star.

And I just wanted you to know that.

- Phil, don't go! - That's my line!

Well, say it, already!

Phil, don't go!

How about we start all over

and you walk me down the red carpet?

I don't think so.

What?

Yeah, it's like you said.

I want to start over,

but without the cameras or any of this stuff.

Just us.

I'd like that.

I like that.

I'd better get inside.

Yes, they're waiting for us.

Why not?

(Photographer) Just Zoey! Just Zoey!

Bite me.

[upbeat music]

I'm afraid to look.

How many followers does he have?

Yeah, he's up to 10,000.

Impossible! How can that many people

be interested in the inane musings

of an analgesic dentist?

I think I just figured it out, Haskell.

What is it?

Well, it looks like Stuart didn't know

that Twitter limits the number of characters you can have

in the bio. He got cut off mid-sentence.

Let me see.

"I'm Dr. Stuart Gardner, a successful New York dentist,

and I specialize in anal."

Well...

Well, Haskell, time's up.

Are you ready to concede that I'm the more popular guy?

Yes, I am.

Stuart, you have way more to offer than I do.

There's a "but" coming, isn't there?

Not from me.

- All right. - Congratulations, Stuart.

Hey, bottoms up.

[upbeat music]

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