Original subtitles

Why do you have to open the door with your hanky?

It's cold and flu season.

(Haskell) Gentlemen, would you be so kind

as to join me in the bedroom?

Now, you know if we were in a movie,

the audience would be screaming, "Don't you do it.

Don't you go in that bedroom."

Don't be so melodramatic.

You go first.

Hello, gentlemen.

Haskell, what the hell are you doing with all this money?

Lying in it.

Swimming in it.

Lovin' it!

Come here, you. The hundies are the softest.

Oh. [laughs]

It's horrifying, but I can't look away.

So, I went to the bank

and I took out every dollar I made on that app

and the other dollar that was there before.

I am going to take pictures and post them online

to throw my success in the face of everyone who doubted me:

the teachers, the clergy, mother,

all the haters.

Haskell, don't you think this is all a bit petty?

Petty? It's gauche, vindictive, and offensive.

Phil, do you mind?

Oh, I don't mind at all. Get on the bed, baby.

Get on that bed, baby! Yeah!

(Phil) Yeah, flaunt that money!

Yeah, you rich. You're rich!

Oh...

now the nudies.

[upbeat music]

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Whoo! Look who's here checking out the talent.

Please.

Can't a woman come to a bar for a drink

and a little self-reflection?

Of course she can.

So, hey, Holly, I'm redoing my bedroom

and I could use your opinion on bedside tables.

Do you like, um...

eclectic or matchy-matchy?

Forget it, Stuart, all she's thinking about is

back that ass up and let Mama smack it.

All right, maybe it's been a little while

since I've been on the receiving end of male companionship.

Oh, my God, it's been so long,

you don't even know what it's called.

Look, it's just that everything's going so great

in my life, but the second I like a guy,

it all turns into drama, you know?

It doesn't have to.

You should just down-date.

I have no idea what that is,

and yet I already find it repugnant.

When I got divorced, I was afraid of getting hurt,

so I hooked up with women who weren't necessarily my type

and I didn't care if I ever saw again.

Well, forget it.

Holly has way too much class to demean herself...

Can it, Matchy-Matchy.

What you're saying is, I should sleep with a guy

I'm not interested in so I don't get attached?

Exactly.

It's like driving a crappy rent-a-car.

You don't want to be seen in it,

but it gets you where you need to go.

Okay, I'm gonna call it.

Romance, time of death: 6:55 pm.

All right, I'm intrigued.

So, how do I down-date, huh?

Look around the bar.

Mm-hmm.

Do you see anything you don't like?

Okay, let's see.

Oh, way too hot, huh?

[chuckles]

Oh, he's a heartbreaker, right?

Oh, this is hopeless.

What about that guy?

The schlub at the bar?

He does nothing for me.

I'm going in.

Hey, buy you a drink?

You want to buy me a drink?

- Uh-huh. - There's a switcheroo.

Just roll with it. Hey, two beers.

- I'm Holly. - Fred.

Hmm, perfect.

So, Fred, what you do?

I'm assistant manager at Cell Phone Hut.

Lovin' it.

How about you?

Mm, I'm a divorce attorney.

A lot of school for that, huh?

Yeah, a lot of school.

Hey, so... thanks.

Hey, Fred, so what do you do in your spare time?

Oh, I don't know. I watch TV.

I eat.

I like sandwiches.

[gasps]

Who doesn't?

[chuckles]

You know what? I'll be right back.

Just one second, okay?

Mm-hmm.

So?

Well, I might have just met

the dullest human being on the planet.

Don't wait up.

[snoring]

I can't listen to that all night.

Shove a wad of twenties in his mouth.

Haskell, wake up. You're drooling on your cash.

Oh, I must have dozed off for a second.

Oh, I got to get this money back to the bank.

It's 10:00 at night, man. The banks are closed.

No! It can't be closed.

Guess it'll have to wait till Monday.

It can't wait.

I just told everyone I know on Facebook

that... that I'm sitting on a pile of cash.

So? They're all your friends.

My friends are lowlifes, con artists, and thieves.

One of them is actually a working pirate.

Well, it's your fault for flaunting it.

This is no time for the blame game!

They're coming for my dough

by land and sea.

All right, Phil... [clears throat]

For my bedroom,

what do you think, man-to-man?

Should I go with a reading chair

or a fainting couch?

[clears throat]

I think you should think about it

while you're sitting down to pee.

Hey, Haskell. What's up?

What? Who's there?

Have you been up all night?

How could I sleep when every lowlife I've ever met

is on his way to rob me?

I'm not letting this out of my sight

until I can get it back to the... The place

where you keep the money.

You mean the bank?

Yes, that's the word.

I must be a little punchy.

White roommate.

You start calling me black roommate,

we gonna have a problem, man.

I gotta figure out what to do with it.

If I stay here, I'm a sitting duck.

If I leave, I'm a walking duck.

Haskell, until you figure it out,

just go get some rest, okay?

- We'll watch the money for you. - Yeah.

Oh, that rolled off your tongue awfully easy.

You don't trust me?

How dare you.

I'll be waiting for an apology.

And if you're smart, there will be candy.

Are you happy?

You just hurt white roommate's feelings.

Hi, hi.

What is with that giant bag?

Did you have to climb up a beanstalk to get it?

It's cute, huh?

A friend of mine makes them, and I'm helping her sell them

to make some extra money.

Not that you don't pay me enough.

It's just so I could go to a movie or, you know, eat.

So, are you trying to guilt me into buying one?

- No, two. - Hmm.

You got it.

Wow. That was easy.

I thought I was gonna have to grab a step stool

and kiss your butt.

You happened to catch me in a very good mood this morning.

Wait.

I know that coy, girlish, I-got-me-some smile.

[chuckles] Guilty.

So tell me, is he cute?

Completely average.

But he's got a great personality, right?

Dull as a doorknob.

But the sex, the sex must have been awesome.

Perfectly adequate.

I don't get it. Why would you...

Oh, my gosh, you're down-dating!

How does everyone know about this but me?

Because you're a hopeless up-dater.

You're always going for the handsome prince,

when you could be getting your freak on with the village idiot.

I know! God, I could kick myself.

You know what? It is so fantastic, Eden.

And the best part is, I don't care if I ever see Fred again,

so there won't be any drama.

Oh, now that is great.

Yep.

You mean, no, "Eden, why didn't he call?

"What did I do wrong? Did he lose my number?

Who am I kidding? It's me. It's always me! Aah!"

Whew.

Yeah. That's funny.

Bet it'll be a hoot in the unemployment office.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, that's your phone.

- Oh, I know. - Maybe it's Fred.

Maybe it is.

Wow.

The old you would have trampled me to get it.

I know. See, that is the beauty of down-dating, Eden.

I just don't care.

[cell phone chimes]

Okay, now I'm curious.

- It is Fred. - Ah.

"What ya doing? Lol."

Why "lol"? What's funny about that?

Nothing. He puts it after everything.

Sometimes he even says it in person.

- Yikes. - Mm.

"You bus-ay tonight? Lol."

Oh, he's annoying.

Yeah.

He's a total doofus.

Tell him I'll meet him at 7:00.

So, what do you think?

About what?

How could you not notice?

I'm sorry, man. That's a nice haircut.

No.

No, no. No, the couch.

I bought a new couch.

Oh.

I was at the furniture store

checking out accent pieces for my bedroom

when I saw this beauty, and I couldn't stop staring.

So you were eye-banging a sofa?

I'm not gonna lie to you, yes.

Have a seat. Have a seat.

- Oh, man, why do I... - Come on.

Why did we have to get a new couch?

The old one was just fine, man.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

[Haskell yawns]

Boy, I needed that.

It's amazing what a 12-hour catnap will do for you.

Ah. Ah.

What's this?

Where's the couch?

What'd you do with the couch?!

I-I bought a new one. It's nice, right?

You idiot! My money was in that couch!

What?

That's where I hid it. I stuffed it in the cushions.

Every penny I had in the world was in that couch!

That ain't good.

What'd you do with it? Where'd you put it?

Where'd you put the couch? Where is it?

Haskell, Haskell. Hands, hands, hands.

I will tell you when we're calm.

All right, we're calm.

- Calm. - Where's the couch?

I don't know.

- Here come the hands. - No!

Come on, stop it. Come on, come on.

Look, what I mean is, Goodwill came to pick it up.

I just don't know which one they took it to.

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna call them and track it down.

How many Goodwills could there be?

- In the metropolitan area? - Uh-huh.

128.

Haskell, the journey of a thousand miles

begins with the first step.

It'll be home before you know it.

- Okay. - [chuckles]

They're closed.

- Hi, Eden. - Hey.

How are you liking the new bag?

I love it. [laughs]

Although it did take me 45 minutes

to find my keys this morning.

So how's it going with Fred? Lol.

Fantastic. We have zero chemistry. Hm.

Not only do we not finish each other's sentences,

he barely finishes his own.

Sounds like you hit the down-dating jackpot.

I have to be very careful, Eden.

He's dating at a level he never has before.

I just... I don't want him falling for me, you know?

So that's why we're not seeing each other tonight.

I think it's best if he has me in small doses.

I found that works best.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you know? There's Fred.

- Where? - At the bar.

(Eden) Oh.

Holly, you've got yourself a winner.

That is one unremarkable man.

Yeah, I like to think so.

[chuckles]

(Holly) Huh.

(Eden) Huh, what?

He appears to be with that woman.

But you don't care, right?

Of course not. Ha!

That's the beauty of down-dating: do not care.

Yep. Good for you.

Mm-hmm-hm.

(Holly) Hmm.

Still, it's a little odd.

I mean, why would he be with another woman

when I'm all he thinks and dreams about?

Oh, well, you know, he...

He's probably just protecting himself

from the inevitable heartbreak when you dump him.

That's it. That's it right there.

Lol, right?

Lol, baby!

[laughter]

It's killing you, isn't it?

That cheating son of a bitch!

Come on, hurry up.

Dude, we're coming. Calm down.

I'll calm down when I get my couch.

This is it, 7H.

Stay cool, all right?

You don't want to seem too desperate,

or they'll think something's up.

Yeah, just offer them twice what they paid, and then we're out.

Twice? Do I look like Jay Z?

No, you do not.

Hello, can I help you?

So sorry to intrude. I'm Haskell.

This is my dear friend, Phil, and the other one is Stuart.

We donated the couch to Goodwill.

Oh, come in. Come in.

What if they don't want to sell?

They've only had it for one night.

How attached to it could they be?

Honey, kids, these are the wonderful people

who donated our couch.

You gave us Big Brownie?

They love it so much, they already named it.

I can't thank you enough.

This couch has really brought our family together.

It's made our little house a home.

Well, it does tie the room together beautifully.

Things have been tough. Between Jim getting laid off

and my hours being reduced at the hospital,

we could barely make ends meet.

Finding this couch was a godsend.

It's even a good luck charm.

I got a job interview today, first one in weeks.

Oh! How about that?

So, what can we do for you?

I want the couch back.

What?

What he means is, the couch was donated by mistake,

so unfortunately, we do kind of need Big Brownie back.

That's why I'm willing to reimburse you

for everything you spent, plus a sizable bonus.

20 bucks!

$20?

$2,000.

Why would you give us $2,000 for the couch?

Yeah. I don't know what's going on here, guys,

but we bought this couch, and we're keeping it.

All right, all right.

I'll tell you what's going on.

I built this couch

with my dad.

We cut down a Douglas fir for the frame.

Tanned the leather,

even sewed every stitch by hand.

Get off there.

We weren't close when it started.

But when we finished,

we were father and son.

And now, this is all I have

to remember him by.

Everything I love in life...

Yes... Is stuffed in that couch.

That is so moving.

Yes, it is. Phil, grab an end.

Hold it.

I miss my dad, too.

Bring it in!

[mumbling indistinctly]

[breathing heavily]

The couch is yours.

But we'll only accept the $80 we paid for it, not a penny more.

Done, done, and done.

Here you go. [laughs]

There... there you go. There you go!

All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Mom, does Big Brownie really have to go?

It's the right thing to do, sweetie.

Don't worry, son.

If this job works out,

maybe we'll have enough money for a new couch.

Haskell, give them something.

Okay.

You're right.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Haskell.

All right!

All right. All right.

What's this?

Your silver lining.

Check inside.

All right, angle it. Angle it.

- I am angling it. - Watch the door.

Watch it. Watch it. Coming around. Coming around.

There you go.

- Oh, my God! - What?

[all yelling]

Haskell, you did a nice thing.

Your father is smiling down on you from above.

What?

My father is a gigolo in a rest home in Phoenix.

Hey, Fred.

Holly, what are you doing here?

Well, texted, called you a few times, never heard back,

so thought I'd do a little drop-by.

Well, I've just been super-duper busy

and hadn't had a chance to call.

Oh.

That's odd, considering you're surrounded by cell phones.

[laughs]

Yeah, listen, Holly, I gotta get back to work.

A new operating system came out,

a lot of people are confused.

Yeah, I'm a little confused myself.

You know, I happened to be at the bar today

and noticed you were with another woman.

[clears throat]

Oh, that was Debbie

from Build-A-Bear.

Look, Holly, you know,

much like our new Take It and Go plan,

it's not like you and I were on any sort of long-term contract.

Oh.

Of course, that makes perfect sense,

except for the part that makes no sense.

Why would you be with Debbie from Build-A-Bear

when you have me?

I'm a bright, attractive partner at a top law firm.

I'm a force to be reckoned with

in the courtroom and, as you well know,

in the bedroom.

So wake up, Fred.

Oh, boy.

Um, Holly, I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

This is what I get for down-dating.

What the... wha...?

You think you're down-dating me? Oh, no, no, no.

I'm down-dating you.

If that's what you need to tell yourself.

No, no, no, no, no. I am the catch, okay?

I'm the up-date, okay?

I was just dating you so I wouldn't get attached.

Which is why you're in here

making this whole whoop-de-doo.

Whoop-de-do?

I'm so not interested in you. [chuckles]

It looks like somebody's got a bad case of the Freds.

But don't worry.

You'll find another one.

I don't even want this one!

Sure. Lol.

No, no, no. No, lol. No one says "lol," all right?

If you find something funny, you just laugh.

Ha-ha-ha.

Holly, you should probably go.

It's over.

[sighs]

See, the down-date does not say it's over.

The up-date says it's over.

And it is over!

Okay. Bye, Holly.

I said it's over. Don't beg. You're embarrassing yourself.

Okay, money's in the bank.

Cushions are restuffed.

There's only one thing left to do.

Break her in.

Mm.

Gentlemen,

positions.

[all groaning]

- Ah. - Yeah!

Oh.

Well, Phil, hope you're happy.

Tried your down-dating thing,

and it was a disaster.

He got obsessed. The calls, the texts.

He even showed up at my work like a lunatic.

He dumped you, didn't he?

On my ass.

What's wrong with me, you guys?

What'd I do wrong, huh?

I mean, did I sleep with him too soon?

Did... did I give too much? Did I not give enough?

Oh, come on. It's me. It's me, right?

It's always me.

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