Original subtitles

Previously on The Ex-PM...

Fabian Silver uses taxpayer money to fund a political campaign

and target the electorate most likely to get him what he wants!

This is a list of compulsory land acquisitions

Fabian Silver has got planned for next year...

It's wonderful to finally meet you, Andrew.

..including Chigwell sewage farm.

What does he want with a sewage farm?

- Well, he likes herons and grebes. - Enough to pay 15 million?

Come on, we're all friends here. I hope!

Yeah, but it can't be a bribe if I don't know about it.

Well, you do now.

Given that members of Parliament have

to declare any donations they receive...

Yes.

Do you reckon Derryn Hinch should have to declare his liver?

The eyes of the nation turn

to the Murray Darling Downs Basin today

for the big debate in the too-close-to-call by-election

between political cleanskin Lorelei Baggins

and former Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale

in a political comeback few in Canberra thought could ever happen.

Henry, I've got this debate to worry about.

I don't want to be worrying about a farm as well.

I'm telling you it's sorted.

The farm is now in a double-blind trust in Carol's name.

Yes, well, I still know about it.

But they don't know you know.

But I do.

- Know? Or know you know? - Both.

I know and I know I know.

Now let me get back to worrying about this debate.

Barrie Cassidy is complaining about the daybed in his greenroom.

Just a moment.

And he says the soymilk smells funny.

Soymilk always smells funny.

And he says to make sure they spell his name with an -IE and not a -Y.

Seems Butch Cassidy would be less trouble.

Nervous?

Sorry? What?

The debate.

I asked if you were nervous.

Yeah, I guess.

Why? You go into this thing?

No, I don't even like politics.

- They dared me to ask. - Oh.

If you girls want to socialise,

I suggest you sign up for the Young Christian's group.

- This library is a place for study. - I'm sorry, Mrs Fitzweasel.

Girls, I'll meet you back

in the Elizabeth Jolley conversation pit.

Now go.

So, do you need any help

with your margins?

No.

Although I need help finding a metaphor

for the futility of spending union fees on building another rowing shed.

What's the name of that poem where the guy looks at something

and doesn't see anything?

Ozymandias.

That's it, that's it, Ozymandias.

So how many centimetres?

Pardon me?

Do you like your margins? How wide?

Oh, look, I'd better get back to preparing this debate

or the engineering lot will get back in again.

OK, well, if you need me,

this is where to find me.

Just slip into my carrel.

Uh... Sure.

What's your name again?

Catherine. Catherine Sharts.

Really?

But my friends call me...

..whenever

they like.

- Yeah, I've got a girlfriend. - Dump her!

I can't just dump...

Mr Dugdale!

- I can't just... - Mr Dugdale!

- Dump her! - Mr Dugdale!

- I can't. - Mr Dugdale!

You've got to let him say something.

Not that.

He can't just come up with a string of anodyne nothing.

That's all he needs to.

But you can't just let him stand up there and spout pabulum.

Well, I will if you write it.

Oh, he liked what I wrote before.

What, in the police cell?

Don Quixote was written in prison.

Martin Luther King wrote Letters From Birmingham Jail.

Oscar Wilde wrote De Profundis.

Nelson Mandela wrote Conversations With myself.

Adolf Hitler wrote Mein Kampf.

Rolf Harris has apparently written a new album.

Hey! Talking about me?

What?

Sonny doesn't want me to write stuff worth listening to.

- He and Henry just want noise. - Oh! Apricots.

We are so close to winning this thing.

I'm just asking you not to be so specific about everything.

It's important that we talk vaguely about elusive things

like hopes and dreams.

Jobs and growth, ease the squeeze, raise the standard,

time for action, stop the boats.

We need to inspire them with ideas.

As soon as you mention policy...

..they start asking questions.

The last thing you want in an open forum.

Ellen, Sonny's been with me forever.

You might not like what he says, but he's right.

The election process is kind of like a mating dance.

Hm? You display your best features.

And you win them over and then you pop the question

and when it's all official...

You screw 'em.

Well, yes.

But that wanes after a while, you see?

Then you've got to get down to the business of running the household.

Taking the kids to school, paying the bills.

You don't mention that sort of stuff on a first date.

Remember that first big policy announcement of ours?

Oh!

- The ANZUS thing. - Yes.

Well, I just want to weigh in once again...

You'd better pay attention,

you might get quizzed at the press conference.

What?

If they ask you what he said, how's it going to look

if the Foreign Minister can't tell them?

Well, it's going to reflect very badly on you, for a start.

See, he just said something in troops in Darwin

and we both missed it!

Hey, is it my imagination or is that woman smiling at me?

Which one?

The one in the red with the boots.

The black woman?

Well, she happens to be black.

The one who's waving at you now?

Yes.

No, it's your imagination.

He'd better finished by nine

or you're going to be late for your dinner.

- Your anniversary with Catherine. - Oh, she'll understand.

Oh, come on. You said you take her out.

Did I?

Well, I did on your behalf.

Hey, do you know who she is?

Oh, yeah, she's an adviser with the US National Security Council.

Condoleezza Rice.

You know, I think we should stay here till the end.

Catherine will understand.

Oh, I don't think she will.

Look, I'll tell you what.

You look after her, tell her I've been delayed, give her the present,

hold the fort and I'll swing by in time for dessert.

Yeah, but what about the...?

I'll give you a call if I run into trouble.

Order some nice wine, you know what she likes.

Give it to her.

Andrew! Andrew!

And in the end, there was a coming together

between the parties to their mutual satisfaction.

Dad, I need you for a mic check.

OK, sweetie.

Is his speech ready for the Teleprompter?

Give me five minutes.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Ellen! What have you been doing?!

I have been here since 11:30!

Making sure that I've got my song on USB,

making sure there's enough lighting on the seats for our cutaways.

I mean, I had to pinch that cheese platter from Barrie Cassidy

while he was on the toilet!

Jeez.

You had one job.

You could even do that.

Get it together, girl.

This is the big time.

No, no, no, no. This is no good.

Well, what's wrong, Andrew?

Well, it's too high, isn't it? I don't want to appear too short.

Well, it has to be the same height as your opponent.

- Do you want a box? - Well, how tall is she?

Well, I'll check.

I don't want a box.

They can always tell it's a box when you step up onto it.

And then you look like you're admitting you're inadequate.

We could put a little ranp in so that your acsent was incremental.

Yes, yes.

Could we do an incremental ramp of some sort?

Mind you, if you look too tall, your arms will look short.

It depends where my hips are.

If you can see my hips, then my arms look the right length.

Could we lower the top of the lectern down waist level,

bearing in mind that I'm standing on a box?

Then again, Andrew, if you lower the lectern,

you won't be able to read your cheat notes.

No, I'll just hold them up a bit.

Well, then the audience will see them.

Well, we could do some sort of raised thing here.

On the top of the lectern.

Well, you could put that box up there and rest them on that.

Yeah, yeah, then the screen thing will obscure it.

That's brilliant!

But won't this screen thing make it look

as if the lectern's back at its original height?

Yeah. Yes.

Yes, just leave it as it is, I think.

Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah.

May I have your attention?! Mr D, may I have your attention?!

May I have your attention, everyone, please?

This is a matter of the utmost emergency.

And it is very important that everybody... ..remain calm.

I repeat, everybody remain...

..calm.

Yeah, but who would hate me enough to want to kill me?

My mother for one. She never liked you, even before we met.

Lots of people don't like you, Dad. Don't take it so personally.

I'm not taking it personally.

It's just that Ellen seems like one of the family.

Being a member of the family hardly renders you impervious to hatred.

Ellen's mother doesn't hate me, she just doesn't like me.

- No, she hates you. - There's been a threat made...

- No, no, it's alright. - ..on your life, Mr D.

Shut the fuck up, Myles. It happens all the time.

- It's probably just Ellen's mother. - Get him some cheese, Ellen, please.

Who is patting down the audience?

It's alright, Henry and Sonny are looking after it with the police.

They need someone there who knows how to handle a gun, Mr D.

It's OK, Rita's with them.

She took my gun.

Well, she knows how to look after herself.

Yeah, remember that Christmas party

where she shot that card out of Dad's mouth?

Curtis, as of now, you are back on active duty.

Look after Ethel, Vampira, Goldilocks and Total Fox

while I confab with Prof. Xavier and Fred Dagg out there.

Not to worry, I always carry this with me in case of emergencies.

Yes, that sock looks like it could deal with the most

deadly of assassins.

I normally have a knife in there. It must've fallen out!

- Is this it on the cheese platter? - That's the one!

It's got Gruyere on it.

Curtis, you're in charge!

Yet another series of words you never hear in that order.

- Oh, excuse me, what's going on? - We're on lockdown, Ms Baggins.

Stay in your room till we get the all clear.

I'd like to speak to who's in charge.

You just did.

Now get back inside and lock the door.

I'm married.

Why doesn't she like me?

- She just doesn't. - Is it the TV?

'Cause a lot of people get the wrong idea from the TV.

- No, this is from student politics. - Oh, she was at Adelaide Uni?

- For a year. - Did I know her?

I don't know, she never really said.

All I know is whenever she sees you on the news or whatever, she says,

"That man. I don't like him and I never have."

Mm, sounds like a smart lady, I'd like to meet her.

- What's her name? - Heidi.

Heidi. Heidi.

I knew a Heidi, but not Heidi LeBlanc.

Well, she wouldn't have been LeBlanc then.

Her maiden name was Gundesaelf.

- Heidi Gundesaelf. - Your mother was Heidi Gundesaelf!

Is.

She changed her name back after the divorce.

What?

Oh, God!

Well.

I've never had straight sex in a disused railway before.

Yeah.

- Thank you. - That's alright.

Heidi! Hi.

I've been meaning to call you, actually.

Of all the two-timing, dirty, no good, lying bastards!

It's alright, she's talking about me.

You break it off with me, you prick?!

Now I break fucking something of yours!

Yeah, but I...

Let her go.

I've found that when she's like this,

it's best to let her blow off a bit of steam.

Yeah, but it's my car.

- No, nothing! - No, no, no!

- Doesn't ring a bell at all. - No.

No, I don't think so. No, no, no!

Well, I'd better pop in and speak to my rival, make sure she's alright.

Maybe get a little bit of a sneak peek at her notes.

Myles. Myles!

We haven't got time for this.

We start live streaming in half an hour.

Barrie is furious.

He had a transmitting device.

He's supposed to have.

- He's one of our security guards. - Take off your underpants.

Carol's going to go off head if we're late.

Where is Carol?

- Sweetie, your phone's beeping. - I'm busy.

And was that legal?

Well, he was hardly going to run and complain

to the Angolan Secret Service.

Not with two broken legs, he wasn't.

Yes.

It's only me, Lorelei.

I can get rid of him if you want.

No, no, it's alright.

Come on in, Andrew.

Just give us the room for moment, will you, please?

I heard that, by the way.

I only would've winged you.

Andrew.

Very nice green room. Much bigger than ours.

It's a bit late for mind games, don't you think?

Hey, I'm the underdog here.

You should be trying to make me feel overconfident.

Hardly the underdog.

- Cheese? - Um... no thanks.

We stole Cassidy's.

Although, yours is much nicer.

What do you want, Andrew?

How much campaign money did you get from Fabian Silver?

A sleeper cell for most of my life. Thank God I never got a phone call.

As you were.

I don't even have voicemail, just in case.

Oh, Mum, check out these photos they sent of Stefan at military school.

Oh, they're so cute.

Oh, doesn't he look handsome in his little uniform?

Oh, there he is all covered in mud.

He looks like Curtis in his hat, doesn't he?

Must be the glasses, they don't look right.

Oh, my God, you're right!

He looks exactly like a little Curtis.

Curtis, come and have a look at this.

All that's missing is a moustache.

Ah, they grow up so quickly, don't they?

Yeah, I guess.

Hello.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Carry me, Curtis! - Curtis, can you put her to bed?

I've got to get back to the American Embassy?

I think I might need some help, Sonny.

You know how uncontrollable she gets.

Can you keep her quiet?

It's three o'clock in the bloody morning!

Oh, what's wrong, Sonny? You petty, pop-up...

Good luck.

Alright.

Time for bye-byes, Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, Curtis, has anyone ever told you

you've got the most beautiful blue eyes, Curtie?

My wife has mentioned it, Mrs Dugdale.

I've never met your wife, Curtis.

Is she prettier than me?

Just a few more steps, Mrs Dugdale.

It... It... Curtis C Curtis.

- What does the C stands for? - Also Curtis.

Can I have your room key, Dugdale?

You're going to have to find it on my person.

Isn't it in your hand?

- Well. - Give it to me.

If I give it to you, you have to promise to come in

and have a champagne with me.

The President has sent us a complementary bottle.

Mrs Dugdale, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Just a couple. I insist.

Alright. Just two.

I have some cocaine and some weed too.

But I didn't get that from President Bush.

In you go.

That was from his son W.

What's the matter with Curtis?

Mum, he might be stupid, but he's not deaf.

Yo!

Carol, all clear. Good to go. Audience...

Where's your dad?

- I don't know, around somewhere. - Close by?

Closer than you think.

If he gave us the same amount of money that he gave you,

then that's alright, isn't it?

He stacked the deck.

The outcome was always going to be the same.

He'd have somebody on site in Canberra who wasn't going

to cause any trouble meanwhile we'd burn through his spare change

in the campaign where you and I don't say anything.

You walk through a supermarket,

through any supermarket, and look at the shelves.

It's the same product over and over again.

It's just... different branding.

- Showtime. - Oh.

Good luck.

- Anything in my teeth? - Mm.

Arsehole.

By-election 2017,

the race for the Murray Darling Downs Basin.

The warhorse versus the dark course.

Will the good voters of the basin tell Andrew Dugale he's dreaming?

Or will it be a dream come true for Lorelei Baggins?

The people of Queensland South Eastern Riviera are no doubt

on tenterhooks.

Hey, can you come and have a look?

The crystals are coming out all lumpy.

And Lorelei Baggins is finishing up her closing remarks

in this exclusive Facebook debate

brought to you by Penhalics Hardware.

..and that you want a new voice,

a voice that sounds like yours with all of its richness,

and earthiness and refreshing bluntness.

To be heard not only echoing around the Senate chamber,

but bouncing off the walls of the House of Representatives.

I am your voice.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh, I love her!

What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - She was...

Well, thank you Lorelei Baggins.

Now closing remarks from Andrew Dugdale,

but just before then, a reminder...

..Penhalics are having a 50% off sale on mops and Ant Rid.

Get rid of ants today not any way, but the Ant Rid way.

Andrew Dugdale.

Thank you, Barrie.

Just do the bloody speech as written, Andrew.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

When I announced I was running again, they said I was dreaming.

And I said, "Better to dream of a better Australia,

"then be half asleep at the wheel."

You know...

..they say the age of entitlement is over,

that none of us should expect a handout anymore and that's true.

Unless you're a corporation or there's a vote in it.

Do you want to know why no-one's looking out for you

in Canberra anymore?

It's because we're all obsessed

with the mum and dad investor

or the working family or the heartland

or the battler or whatever else it is

that we're calling the aspirational middle-class these days.

And you want to know why the white-collar gets looked after

and the blue-collar doesn't?

It's because nobody makes anything here in this country anymore.

We just dig things up out of the ground like cavemen and that's it.

Even milking a fucking cow is beyond us, apparently.

So, there's no shop floor to train people up to look after you anymore.

Just a bunch of know-it-alls who read about it once at university

or know-nothings who think that reading is listening

to talkback radio.

And you complain about the fact that we never do anything,

how we lie and break our promises.

Well, stop voting us in.

You want someone who represents you,

who truly reflects your views, that's fine.

But if you're motivated entirely by self-interest,

you can scarcely complain when we are as well.

We are you.

Lorelei got that right.

Our job is never done because your job is never done.

The government isn't here to look after you.

It's here to look after the community.

To make sure that what we need in the future

isn't cancelled out by what you might want right now.

Too much money in too few hands,

a dying media that serves an empty, pointless consumer culture

and it's little wonder that people like me

never use the words 'self-sacrifice' in a stump speech.

He's right!

I used to work in the Department of Public Lands.

And that access road that takes out half of our town,

well, you know those pipes underneath?

They're not going from the aquifer to Fabian Silver's bottling plant.

No.

They are taking the treated water from the sewage farm

to our reservoir.

You mean I'm drinking my own urine and excrement?!

And mine.

And I will stand up and vote for a man

who will fight for our right not to have to...

..drink our own urine and excrement.

Let's hear it for Andrew Dugdale!

- Three cheers. Hip hip! - Hooray!

- Hip hip. - Hooray.

Hip hip.

Get the Prime Minister on the phone.

And a family-sized pack of Monte Carlos.

Politicians on the fiddle while democracy burns.

Are they making these out of fire-retardant material now?

Yes, they are, probably from the same export processing zone

that made your mask.

- Look everyone, it's George Pascuale. - Sh!

I was never here.

It's you and me against the world, darling.

So, what's next?

The pie factory visit.

I told Henry I didn't want to visit the pie factory.

They make you wear a hair net.

I told Henry to arrange a place where I could wear a hard hat.

The press said the metalworks would be too loud

to look like you were having a proper conversation.

Well, it was just for visual.

It didn't have to be a real conversation.

Yes, but it's got to be believable as if you you would be having one.

Well, it's a pity 'cause you always look like you mean business

in a hard hat.

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