All language subtitles for The Ex PM s02e01 Money.eng

ANNOUNCER: Empty field days.

Three big days in your ag future.
September 20, 21, 22.

REPORTER: The missing ballot papers
from the knife-edge election

in the seat of Murray-Darling Downs
have been found

in the possession of divisional
returning officer John Pomphrey.

The AEC described the discovery
of 4,000 uncounted ballots

in his Toowoomba home as the worst
case of electoral malfeasance

since the last time.

A by-election will be
held in six weeks,

and given the knife-edge
outcome of the federal election,

the major parties are
expected to pour huge resources

into a campaign that will be watched...

Now, if you want help with the campaign,

we could always use someone
to hand out leaflets.

What the hell is that?
You should try one.

Can I have another one of these,
please, for my friend Keith?

Another grapefruit and prosecco
mimosa coming straight up.

No, I'm not going to be here
long enough to drink it.

- What do you want?
- And no, thank you, anyway.

Look, can't an old friend
simply meet with another

in order to wish him well?

It's not every day that a man
with a career like yours behind him

decides to give it all away
for the sake of his health.

On the plus side, I suppose Belinda
and the kids will be relieved.

There's nothing wrong with my health!

I've seen the X-rays.

I've got to admit, I was surprised.

Where did you get these?

I know a radiographer.

And let me guess who
they've got running.

Hmm! Might see some money
from this after all.

Probably here for Grant Denyer.

No time for chitchat, people.
The more of these I sign,

the less they can return to the
publisher when they don't sell.

- Here's some more caffeine.
- Thank you.

I've been telling him he should
do one of those audiobooks.

He's got such a lovely speaking voice.

Oh, yeah, my mum listens
to audiobooks all the time

while she's driving the truck.

- She's not even blind.
- Well, listening is the new reading.

Reading, schmeading, as long as
those idiots out there buy them.

Oh, poop. I wrote "idiot".

Send it to Alan Jones,
give him something to talk about.

Oh, he'll be talking about you,

but it won't just be
because of your book.

Ellen should be doing this.
You wrote it.

Really love the typeface, Ellen.

Trebuchet, it's really crisp on my Kobo.

Thank you, Myles.

Digital books are great-you
don't have to autograph them.

Do you want to know why Alan Jones
will be talking about you?

As my late wife used to say,
an open book is like an open mind.

The answer is there,
but until you get to the end,

there is the tantalising pleasure
of endless possibility.

Oh, poop. I wrote "dead wife".

Well, speaking of endless possibilities,

they want you to run again.

"They" as in who?
What are you talking about?

Both factions think
you're the man for the job.

The by-election? Where is it again?

Murray-Darling Downs.

It's still Rudd country,
heartland Australia.

Ellen made you out to be relatable
and caring and principled.

They've done the polling.

- What about Pasquale?
- Um, health problems.

Preselection... guaranteed.

Ah, so, that's what Henry was up to.

Well, you're eligible, you've
got the property up there.

The little farm Henry made you
purchase in Catherine's name

for your investment portfolio.

No. No, if they want me back,
it's got to be a blue-chip seat,

not some marginal backwater.

It's a foot back in the door, Andrew.

And if you win, you could very
well hold the balance of power.

- Within the party, I meant.
- Think of the revenge.

What does she mean "if" I win?

And you wouldn't have
to do anything, Andrew.

Survey says name recognition
alone will get you in.

The book will do the heavy lifting.

The reviews, they were glowing.
Weren't they, Ellen?

- 4.5 stars on Amazon.
- Really?

Yeah, I put them up there myself.

The people out there love you, Mr D.

And while we're on the topic,
Mr Dugdale, sir.

I would be honoured if you
would inscribe a copy for me.

What sort of farm is it?
Because I don't like corn.

- (FLIES BUZZ)
- _

Well, what do you care?

It's only a seven-week campaign
and then we are back in Canberra.

Just think, you can spend
the next three years

being a thorn in the side
of the government

and they'll be begging you to run for...

..Secretary-General.

Well, I was a lot less unpopular
than Kevin Rudd ever was.

Don't like to complain, Mr Dugdale, sir,

but could I have
the "idiot" one instead?

Gonna have to talk to
Catherine about it.

Of course.

Think she had her heart set on us
spending a lot more time together.

I'm going to have to approach
this very, very delicately.

Of course you're going to
do it, you fucking idiot.

REPORTER: The by-election in the
seat of Murray-Darling Downs

will be one of the most
closely watched in Canberra.

REPORTER 2: Former Prime Minister
Andrew Dugdale is back

and this time he means business.

REPORTER 3: Political cleanskin
Lorelei Baggins

says she's looking forward to it.

See, the key to the Australian
accent is efficiency.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
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Firstly, the font is Trebuchet
and I hate Trebuchet.

- But...
- Secondly, 'Dugdale' is all smudged,

so it looks like it says 'drug mule'.

Thirdly, they've chopped off
the top of Dad's head.

- Carol!
- And most importantly,

as far as I'm concerned,

it's on yellow paper.

Yellow is the colour of
primary school geography projects,

not federal parliament campaign flyers.

- This isn't...
- Go back and get them to do it again.

This isn't my job, Carol.

If you want me, I'll be in my
office doing today's itinerary.

That's my office!

Dad said I could have
whichever one I want.

Oh, and tell Sonny
the phones keep cutting out.

That's my office!

I have been on hold for 20 minutes,
you pre-recorded arsehole. Hello!

Bloody Telstra.

You ring to complain about them,
the thing you're complaining about

prevents you from complaining to them.

Can we get a real PR person?
Carol's getting really annoying.

You don't think a real PR
person won't be annoying?

- There's reception on the roof.
- The roof?

Yeah, I was up there
looking for an office.

Hello. Hello!

There's a crawl space - maybe
I'll just squeeze into that.

Where is Mr Dugdale's office?

Carol says the one at the back's hers.

It's mine!

Down the back, next to
the cupboard no-one can open.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

But it is only the first week,
so let's save the applause

until after my victory speech.

- Oh!
- (ALL LAUGH)

(CAROL LAUGHS)

Alright, everybody,
let's get back to work

and tell Canberra
he's not dreaming. Hey!

Ha-ha! Whoo! Yeah!

I'll speak to her.

- Your purse, darling.
- Thank you, darling.

12.5% off for the volunteers.

It's actually the second week,
Mr Dugdale, sir,

if I might be so bold.

We've been busy, Curtis.
Sewage farm doesn't run itself.

A very effective slogan,
Mr Dugdale, sir.

Almost as good as
the "not dreaming" one.

Oh, I meant it literally.

Chigwell Farm might be the
keystone to this community

but it's going to turn a profit.

It's not all prohibited fishing and
grey-water rafting, you know. What?

- Dad!
- Yes?

It's alright if I have
this office, isn't it?

Oh, anything you want, sweetie.

What?

Nothing. I'll write your
speeches in the campaign bus.

Well, you can share with Sonny.
He's got plenty of room.

Hasn't he?

My office is smaller than hers.
What about the one next to it?

- That's a cupboard.
- And it's locked!

Oh, hello!

Yes, I'd like to speak
to John Mullin, please,

or anyone from the Telstra board.

Is Henry here?

Yes, he is, Mr Dugdale, sir.
And he has a surprise for you.

I hope it's a donor, so we
can get a real PR person.

I don't want to spoil the
surprise, except to say yes,

he has a donor willing to spend
$1 million on the campaign.

Ducktail for Canborra.
Tell zem he's noo dreaming!

"Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming."

Ducktail for Canberra...
No. Dugdale for Canberra.

Ducktail...

No, Dugdale. Sounds like
you're saying "duck tail".

It's Dugdale, Dug as in "dig".

Dicktail.

You don't seem very surprised.

Well, Curtis told me. So, who is it?

Well, that announcement will be made

in due course, Andrew, by the AEC.

You don't need to worry about that now.

See, that's what worries me,
that you won't tell me.

Well, it doesn't matter who it
is-there are no strings attached.

The party's fine with it,
your benefactor believes in you,

which is terrific.

I mean, you're actually
better off not knowing who it is.

You can't be compromised.

It's a bank cheque.
Do you know who it is?

They wouldn't tell me either.

You should never look a gift horse
in the mouth, Mr Dugdale, sir.

- Correct as usual, Curtis.
- I don't know.

If the Trojans had looked
inside the mouth

of that horse they'd been given,

they would have seen
all those Greek soldiers.

This does mean we can sack
Carol, though, doesn't it?

We can't sack my daughter, Ellen.
She's a volunteer.

Plus, she's my daughter.

That slogan idea
she came up with wasn't bad.

She stole it from The Castle.
Just like she stole my office.

She just wanted to pick my campaign
music and I encouraged her.

It's gotten out of hand,
I'll admit that.

But I wanted to be the father
that you described in your book.

I want to be that guy again.

Someone with integrity,
someone who cares about people.

And for the first time in our lives,
she sees that.

? Feel right in this motherfucker ?

? I feel good in this motherfucker ?

? My whole hood in this motherfucker ?

? And we gon' rock this
motherfucker, alright! ?

You think you can get the rights?

I really want to write and
perform something original.

How much money did Henry say
that guy was giving us?

A mill, but I don't think
you can blow the whole lot

- on a YouTube video.
- Yeah, no, of course not.

Fuck! I really wish I could rework
Krista Branch's I Am America.

? You preach your tolerance
but lecture me! ?

? Is there no end to
your own hypocrisy? ?

? I am America! ?

Obviously, I'll change that bit.

? One voice, united we stand ?

? I am Ameri... ?

Australia, whatever.

? One hope to heal our land. ?

- This is really good. What is it?
- I don't know, it's Ellen's.

She's got some Kombucha in the fridge

if you want something
to wash it down with.

Think of yourself as Michelangelo

and this new benefactor
as one of the Medici popes.

He's there to help you
realise your vision,

not to influence or interfere.

Well, whoever it is, they'd better
be on board with our policies

because they're all hippies
and tree-changers around here.

Well, our new friend happens
to agree with our climate change

rollback agenda, and is absolutely
on board with preserving

the splendour and natural beauty

of the great
Murray-Darling Downs basin.

Bloody NBN!

And the whole re-greening of the
corridor that we're planning?

Oh, yeah, with us every step of the way.

But why won't this Medici pope
just give money to the Greens?

Because he actually wants
to do something about it,

he doesn't want to just throw
his support away on a gesture.

"He actually." HE actually.

So, we know it's a pro-ecology guy.

That's Gina Rinehart out.

- Permission to speak, sir.
- What is it, Jones?

If the central plank of our
campaign is supported

by the vast majority
of the electorate anyway,

and name recognition alone

because of Ellen's book is
sufficient to garner us enough votes

to secure victory,

why is any money required to
fund anything in this campaign?

Maybe he's electrocuted himself.

Curtis, it's politics.

Everybody loves an underdog
but nobody is going to back you

if they think you're going to lose.

Spending money is a way of
trying to win people over

and indicating that you've got
the support to do it.

You've got to be careful, though,

because if you've got too much money,
it looks like it comes from

the big end of town and
you're not one of them.

And too little money and they
think you're not sufficiently

successful to warrant their support.

She's a funny game, politics.

I just should stick to what I know best.

Right, the first thing to do is
spend some of this money

on some well-earned lunch.
Who's for a couple of pizzas?

Not for me, thanks.
I've got that think this afternoon.

If there are cameras there,
I don't want to look bloated.

- I'll have a couple of pizzas.
- Ellen?

No, thanks, Henry. I bought
my own lunch today.

(HICCUPS)

Kombucha?

I managed to get one bar
when I stood like this,

now I've got no bar at all.

And they say that power
is the ultimate aphrodisiac?

Bloody NBN!

It takes me back, all this.

Late nights, watching Andrew on TV
making some speech or another.

Playing Catch Me If You Can
along the corridors of power.

It's going to be different this time.

He's a new man.

And so am I.

Do you remember when we made love
on the desk in your office

on the night of the leadership spill?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah...

That wasn't me.

Really? Oh. Well, it was somebody.

It was definitely your
office and your desk.

I remember knocking that picture
of your sister off the annex.

Oh, that was you, was it?
I had to replace the frame.

You can't expect me to remember
everywhere we've made love.

Or everyone, by the sounds of it.

Oh, I remember this desk, though.

Really?

Myles and Curtis picked it up from
the army disposal place yesterday.

Still, you're probably right.

"Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming."

Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming.

Come on, you two.

This women's indoor beach volleyball
centre's not going to open itself!

Wait for me. I want to get
some B-roll for the viral ad.

Ellen, grab my camera.

Andrew. Dad!

Not in front of the troops, Ellen.

Yeah, Ellen. Time and place.

We're on the move.

Catherine, I am Andrew's
chief of staff, his right-hand man.

Then we'd better make sure
that the left hand doesn't know

what the right hand's doing!

That doesn't even make any sense.

Listen, fella.
I made you, and I can break you.

One word to Andrew and your
career's down the shitter.

So is yours, sweetcakes.

I'm a woman, Sonny.

On an obviously overprescribed
amount of HRT.

I have uncontrollable needs.

You're supposed to look after me.

Now, get those pants off.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (UNZIPS FLY)

Arggh!

Are you coming to the thing?

Yeah. Absolutely.

What, you mean now?

No, I've still got to find
Catherine, so you've got time to...

..do whatever it is you need to do.

Oh, no, it...

Oh, it can wait.

- Oh, isn't it hot?
- Yeah, I'll see you outside.

? Jukebox in Siberia ?

? Pounding out hysteria ?

? Get down, get down... ?

Turn that shit off, will you, Curtis?

Carol told me to play it, sir.

The rights are really cheap, Dad,
and it appeals to your older demo.

I'm not having Jukebox In Siberia
as my campaign song.

Your choice. You heard
the man, Curtis. Kill it.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What are you doing?

I just want to get some stuff of
you guys being natural together.

Oh, well...

Carol, you could have
given me some warning,

I would have prepared something.

Do you want me to duck down
behind the seat?

I framed you out.

- Just talk to each other?
- What about?

Doesn't matter, I'm not using the audio.

It's just behind the scenes
stuff for the viral campaign.

Yeah, good, take your jacket off
and roll your sleeves up.

Makes you look like
you're doing something.

- We could go over your speech?
- Yes, that's a good idea, actually.

I have a couple of questions
I want to ask you about that.

Yeah, piece of paper, good.

Uh, do I have to say
"important building"?

It's a beach indoor volleyball centre.

Well, it's important to their
community. Their beach is all mud.

I appreciate that, it's just
that indoor beach volleyball

doesn't make any sense, does it?

If you're going to build
a centre to play volleyball,

then why not just play
normal volleyball?

Well, it has sand.

Normal volleyball doesn't have sand.

Yeah, but why have sand
in the first place?

That's my point. Why have sand?

I mean, if you're going to
truck in sand,

you might as well take it down
the beach and put it on the mud.

Because then it wouldn't be indoor.

Why call it beach volleyball?

What difference does the surface make?

It doesn't make it another sport
just because you play it on sand.

At the Olympics, they don't have
beach archery or beach high jump,

or beach fencing.

Beach cricket. They play that on sand.

Yeah, but beach cricket
isn't an Olympic event,

whereas for some reason,
beach volleyball is.

They do long jump on sand
and that's in the Olympics.

- Yeah, and the triple jump.
- Yeah, alright.

Yes, those involve sand but
they're not examples of a sport

that suddenly becomes a different sport

the moment you play it on the beach.

Well, how would beach long jump
be different from long jump?

Well, you'd run along the sand and jump

and land in the sand with
the sand over the top of it.

Just because an existing sport
is played on a different surface

doesn't mean it's a different sport.
That's my point.

Water polo.

Beach water polo?

No.

It's an example of a sport
becoming another sport

when it's played on a different surface.

Or below the surface.

What? Someone ate my lunch.
I'm low on sugar.

- RITA: Floor gymnastics.
- Oh, shut up, Rita!

She does go on, doesn't she?

Sister Elizabeth Kenny was,
of course, not a qualified nurse.

But in times of war, you make do.

And that's exactly what our diggers did

when they were tended by her
during the Great War.

And that is why this is
an important building

and as why I, as a feminist,
am honoured to open it.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, OK.

- Are you sure this is the right image?
- Well, that depends, darling.

Are you trying to look
like a depraved old man?

- Alright, Dad, I'll cut around it.
- Ah, good. Thank you.

The feminist bit is his.
I told him not to say it.

As soon as you say you're a feminist,

it sounds like you're worried
people think you're sexist.

It's a rare politician who isn't.

I once jumped out of a cake
at a Liberal Party fundraiser

hosted by Christopher Pyne

completely naked and covered in glitter.

I said to him, "You
better put something on

"or you'll catch your death."

Andrew hasn't got a sexist
bone in his pants.

You've got an admirer.

Just doing a perimeter search.

Scanning for sniper vantage points,
when this guy reached out.

I've checked it for anthrax.
It's clean.

Said it was for your eyes
and your eyes only.

Wants you to meet him in the car
park at 16:00 hours, which is...

..five o'clock - an hour from now.

It means four o'clock.

Then you better get going, then. Over.

What are you doing reading my mail?

I thought you might know
what 16:00 hours meant.

Hey, babe. What's happening?

You left this on the bus. Shit!

Shh!

What about the bullets?

They were cop killers too!

Oh, they're really expensive.

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Ellen LeBlanc?
- Yes.

Did I startle you?

No, I watched you walking towards me.

Told you to meet me in the car park.

- This is the car park.
- I meant the car park around the back.

I didn't know there was
a car park around the back.

- It would have been less public.
- I'm sorry.

Who are you?

Oh, good, you don't know who I am.

That's good, let's keep it that way.

Oh, hang on, you're George Pasquale.

You're the candidate Andrew replaced.

Well, you see, this is why I wanted
to meet in the other car park.

Because I could have stayed in
the shadows and remained anonymous.

Would you feel more comfortable
if we went to the other car park?

No, no! Doesn't matter now, does it?

I mean, cover's being blown,
so, you know, whatever.

Alright, gee.

Look, I'm sorry.

I haven't done this
sort of thing before, so...

Done what before?

You can't tell anyone
I told you this, you understand?

You haven't told me anything.

Yeah, good. Good,
we understand each other.

That's all the information I have
from your mysterious benefactor.

Now, I don't like your boss or
the way he goes about his business,

but that is not good for
the electorate or the party.

Or the country.

Er...

Yeah, I think they're too...

No, I'm sorry. I've got to...

Er, hi. Great!

I was wondering whether...

..maybe your little sister might
like to have her picture taken...

..instead, if that's alright?

Would you like to come in here
and have your picture taken?

That's great. And it'll be fun.

I'll throw the ball
and you can catch it.

Better, I think. Alright.

Now, you ready? Here we go!

One, two, three.

(OTHERS GASP)

Ugh!

No, no. And delete that,
will you? Delete it.

Jesus! Is this on the level?

I'm going to keep digging.

I didn't want to get in over
my head without some insurance.

Hey, I'm just a speechwriter.

You should speak to Henry or the AEC.

No, no. Henry's in it up to his neck.

I want my career back and that is
why I am writing to my MP.

Oh, that's a metaphor.

I didn't actually mean that literally.

- I don't want this.
- You just keep it, just in case.

In case what? What do you mean?

I'll keep digging.

And the next time we meet, it has
to be in the other car park, right?

But I already know who you are.

Well, it'll be more discreet.

You see, we can't have a secret
conversation out here in the open.

- That's ridiculous.
- Shh!

(SIREN WAILS)

NEWSREADER: The stray ball
knocked unconscious

primary school honours
student Paige McQuinley.

She was rushed to the
Murray-Darling Downs Hospital

and later airlifted to the
nearby Cambooya District Medical,

after facilities proved inadequate
to deal with her injuries.

Mr Dugdale said that
once he was elected,

he would ensure that local medical
services were upgraded,

so that children like Paige

would never have to
suffer like that again.

Rival candidate Lorelei Baggins
said that the best way to stop

children like Paige suffering

was for Mr Dugdale
not to throw volleyballs at them.

Mr Dugdale said he didn't
want the volleyball incident

turning into a political football.

Carol, have you seen my cop killers?

Myles! Jesus!

I am right in the middle of
doing Dad's campaign video. Fuck!

I'll come back.

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