All language subtitles for The Caddy 1953

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Who'd you come to see?
- You!

Oh, that's swell.

- What do you people want?
- Pictures!

- Do we have any pictures?
- Well, why don't one of us go see?

Okay, I'll be back in a week.

No, he'll be right back.
He'll be right back.

Here. Look, Joe. You all ready?

All right, now get set.

There they go.

Here they...

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Go get them!

- Goodbye.
- What a town!

Boy, you'd think we had made
the first flight to the moon and back.

And after every show
the crowds get bigger.

Yeah, remember
when I used to be scared of crowds?

- Yeah.
- No more. I like them.

- They're only people.
- That's nice.

Hark! Someone's knocking at the door.

- Answer it. Answer it.
- All righty.

- Oh, hi, Eddie.
- Well, hello, Eddie.

What's happened to you?

It took three cops and a squad of ushers
to get us into the theater.

Boys, I'd like you to meet Miss Lorelei.

- How do you do?
- Hello, Miss Lorelei.

How do you do?

Oh, that's our boy, the biggest agent
in town and the easiest laugher.

Here, watch this.

Miss Lorelei,
I want you to meet my mom and pop.

- How do you do?
- I'd like you to meet my mom and pop.

They ain't here.

Miss Lorelei's doing a story
for the American Weekly.

You boys seem to have more fun
than the customers.

Oh, we do.

Isn't it wonderful
when people love their work?

- The food is ready.
- Oh, can I fix you a sandwich?

- No, I'll just take some notes.
- That's not very nourishing.

Here, why don't you try
some of this terrific corned beef

- and salami and...
- Now, about my story...

Oh, yes, well, sit right down here,

and we'll find out
just how everything came about.

Now, how long have you been
in the business?

- About 12 years.
- 12 years. And where were you born?

- Scranton.
- Scranton?

Oh, that is a coincidence.

- Were you boys born in Scranton?
- No.

Is this your first engagement
at the Paramount?

- Oh, I don't work here.
- Then what are you doing here?

I came to get an interview from you.

Well, you better hurry up.
We're almost on, dear.

- Now, what would you like to know?
- Hey, fellows, two minutes.

Two minutes?
What happened to the time?

You and Pop, you want to go
in the wings and watch the show?

Did you leave the props on the piano
in the last show?

- Come on.
- I got the horns, Joe.

- What else do we have, we...
- We don't use the horns this show.

- Oh, well, hold these, Mama.
- Come on, Miss Lorelei, with us.

But I want to know
how you boys got together.

- Well, what about it?
- Well, what do you expect to do next?

Oh, we're going to play
some more theaters

and keep working, that's all.

- Come on. Jump, jump, jump!
- Come on.

This way. Come on through here.

Jump. Come on. Don't be...

- We gotta go on. Jump!
- Right.

- Come on, jump off. Come on!
- That's a good girl.

- Oh, you fraidy cat.
- No, no.

What are you afraid of? Well, we're on!

- You enter from that side.
- And you enter from that side.

- And are you ready, Mr. Anthony?
- I sure am, Mr. Miller.

- Here we go.
- Right-o.

So here he is, Harvey Miller.

Hello.

Come on, step to the rear of the bus.
We're coming into 34th Street.

I'd like to say
how very happy and thrilled we are,

ladies and gentlemen,

to be appearing here
at the Paramount Theater,

and how nice it is
to see all you nice people.

I could stay out here for hours,

but the Italian street singer
is getting old.

So I would like to introduce my buddy,
pal and partner, Mr. Joe Anthony.

Here he is.

Don't you want me to sing a song?

Oh, yeah, but I thought you and I
could do a song together both.

- Together both?
- Yeah, wouldn't that be splendid?

Yeah, that would be peachy.

- Oh, shall we do one?
- Yes.

Oh, thank you, Great White Father.

What would you do without me
What would you do, boy

What would you do without me
when I'm gone

I'd sell my car and hock my ring
And go right out and hire Bing

That's what I'd do without you
That's what I'd do

But tell me
what would you do without me

What would you do, boy

What would you do without me
when I'm gone

I'd have no trouble replacing you
I'd just go down to the nearest zoo

Oh, that's what I'd do without you
That's what I'd do

We will be

- Just like brothers, you and I
- Just like brothers, you and I

- I'm for you
- I'm for me

- And I'll love you till I die
- And I'll love you till I die

Oh, what would you do without me
What would you do, boy

What would you do without me
when I'm gone

When my bankroll's gone
and I need some dough

You're always telling me where to go

See? What would you do without me
What would you do

We will be just like brothers, you and I

- I'll go east
- I'll go west

- And I'll love you till I die
- And I'll love you till I die

Oh, what would you do without me
What would you do, boy

What would you do without me
when I'm gone

I've been your stooge
and been your clown

Who picks you up when you are down

- Who has $10 and gives you $9
- Who sticks by you come rain or shine

- Who's always taking it on the chin
- Who's always there, lose or win

Who's always been a regular guy

- I'll love you till I die
- I'll love you till I die

Oh, what would you do without me
What would you do

Then it must be Mr. Miller's family
has the theatrical background?

No, no, but you ask me, I tell you.

When Harvey is younger,

his papa is number one golf champion
in the whole country.

One day it was the final match,

Father and Son Tournament.

Harvey Miller, Sr., wanted his son to be

great golf champion, too,
and follow in his footprints. Capisce?

I'll do my best, Dad.

- I'm sorry, Dad. I missed the cup.
- That was a great drive, Harvey.

Thank you.

Remember, they're only people.

What's the matter with you? Hit it.

- Those people are staring at me, Dad.
- Don't look at them. Look at the ball.

- Look at the ball?
- Yes.

- Now, what's the matter?
- It looked back.

Now, Harvey, hit that ball.

Hit it! Hit it!

Hit it! Hit it!

Hit it! Hit it!

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!

Now what about your son, Mr. Anthony?

Well, I feel like Harvey's papa.

I want Joe to follow in my footprints.

Jump in, Joe. We're gonna cast off.

Pop, I don't want to fish anymore.
I get seasick.

You crazy.

Your grandpapa don't get seasick,

your papa don't get seasick,
you don't get seasick.

I don't feel so good already.

But, Joe, we don't leave the dock yet.

Here, you eat something.

- You'll feel better.
- Oh, Pop.

You may be the sickest fisherman
in the ocean,

but you're gonna be a fisherman.

Look, Pop,
you can't treat me like a kid any longer.

I'm grown up.

From now on,
I'm gonna stand on my own two feet.

But on dry land!

- Joe! Joe! You come back here!
- Joe, Joe.

Four years later, Joe is a big boy,
but his sea legs no good.

Four years later, Joe is a big boy,
but his sea legs no good.

He wanna try his land legs.

So he leave home
to take all kind of job.

He work very hard,
but he don't like digging ditch.

Anthony, you're through.

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

And the boss is always picking on him.

Joe finally know
just what he want to do with life.

I wanna go home to San Francisco.
How about it?

Hop in.

He was plenty smart.

In four years,
Harvey grow up into a big boy, too.

He hope some day
to marry my daughter, Lisa.

But that golf, it was still in his blood.

- What time is it, Mr. Fisher?
- Two minutes to 12:00, Harvey.

Wow.

- Mr. Miller.
- Yes, Mr. Baxter?

Take lunch one hour later today.

Oh, but, Skin...
But, Mr. Baxter, I got tickets to see...

No buts, Miller. Your lunch is at 1:00.

- Lisa...
- Harvey, did Mr. Baxter speak to you?

- Yeah, come on, we're going to lunch.
- Oh, but, Harvey, we can't. Mr. Baxter...

I don't care what Mr. Baxter said, Lisa.

We've got tickets to see
Ben Hogan play,

and we're going to see him play.
Now, come on.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Wendell Niles bringing you
a play-by-play account

of the San Francisco Open.
It's a beautiful California day

and everybody's having
a wonderful time.

Ben Hogan is stepping up
to the ball now.

There's the back swing.

The ball is in the air and it's beautiful!
It's underneath that...

It's funny, Lisa. Crowds don't seem
to bother Mr. Hogan.

I don't want to be a killjoy,
Harvey, darling,

but I'm worried about our jobs
at the store.

You know how Mr. Baxter is
about employees

taking too much time for lunch.

Harvey, I'm worried about Mr. Baxter.

Why, has he shot yet?

Mr. Baxter, our boss, who could fire you

just like all the other Mr. Baxters
in your life.

And then we'll never be able
to get married.

Oh, don't worry about money, Lisa.

I bet a whole two weeks' salary
on Mr. Hogan.

Harvey, you didn't!

... right through that clump of trees
or under a low-hanging bow.

What a tough break for Ben.

How about us? Two weeks' salary.

Harvey, what are we going to do?

Come with me, Lisa.

Give me a nine-iron, please.

Mr. Hogan.

Mr. Hogan,
this is a very important shot to me.

And to me.

Well, this is a very fast green,
Mr. Hogan,

and you're gonna need
a lot of backspin.

So I suggest you use your wedge.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'll use the nine-iron.

I just thought I'd mention it.
My name is Harvey Miller, Jr.

- How are you, Harvey?
- I'm fine. How are you, Mr. Hogan?

- How's the family?
- Fine, thank you.

- That's swell.
- Come on, son. Let Mr. Hogan shoot.

All right.

That's a wedge shot, Mr. Hogan.

- See what I mean, Mr. Hogan?
- You're so right.

You see, I played this course
many times with my Dad and I...

- Come on, boy, off...
- You're not Mr. Hogan.

Now take your hands off me.

Hurry up and change.

I'll just push the clock back a little bit,
so old Skinhead won't know.

Old Skinhead does know.

Well, don't tell... Mr. Baxter!

Miller. Miller.

Miller!

- Miller?
- Yes, Mr. Baxter.

We're having a terrific run
on birds today.

- Birds?
- Badminton birds.

Miller, why?

Why did you take three hours for lunch?

Well, you see, Mr. Baxter,

I go to this terrific little restaurant
in Dallas, Texas.

Dallas, Texas! You...

- Miss Anthony.
- Yes, Mr. Baxter?

You're fired.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Baxter.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson.
- Hello, Harvey.

- It's a nice day, ain't it, Mr. Johnson?
- Yes, it is, Harvey.

Watch where you're going, boy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Phillips.

I guess I was going
where I wasn't looking.

- Miller.
- Oh.

Look out! Help, help!

Put that ladder back there, you...

Miller!

Miller!

Miller!

Mr. Baxter, please don't hit me.

I didn't do nothing, Mr. Baxter.

I was just out and I...

All right, reach, Baxter.

Now, now, now, Miller.

It's a different story now, ain't it, Baxter?

Yeah, we...
We were just having a little fun.

You were having a little fun, Skinhead.

Skinhead... Yes.

It's a different story now.
The shoe's on the other foot.

All right,
you had your chance then, Baxter.

- Now, Miller!
- Mr. Baxter!

Oh, I'm sorry.
You look just like a rhinoceros.

Wait, I did it and I'll fix it.

Here.

Miller.

- One second, Mr. Baxter.
- Yeah.

- Miller, Miller, Miller.
- No, it's all right.

No, I got it. Now, just... That's fine.

Miller.

- I'm going to get it now.
- Miller.

Here it comes, Mr. Baxter. All right.

We got it, didn't we?
That wasn't so hard, now, was it?

Mr. Baxter!

Got off those skates! Miller!

Come back here.

Now, listen, Miller...

Miller, that's not funny.

Miller!

Get off of there, Miller! Get off of there!

Not the China Department!
Not in the China Department!

It's all right, Mr. Baxter.
I won't hit anything!

Miller.

I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter!

- Mr. Baxter?
- Yes?

- I'd like to give my two weeks' notice.
- Well, that will be...

Get out.

Get out.

- Harvey.
- Yeah?

Where's that winning smile?
Come on, let's see that dimple.

No, I'm no good for anything, Lisa.
I'll never smile again.

Harvey Miller, is that any way to talk?

It's the only way I know how.

Look, all great men
have had to go through bad times.

You've read about them in books.

Then when you're famous,
why you'll... You'll look back and laugh.

Ha, ha, ha.

Just say I'm no good for anything.

I let you down.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

Harvey Miller,
you're no good for anything.

You've let me down.

Gee, it sounds awful when you say it.

I wish my brother Joe was here.

He's had a lot of experience in business
and he could help you find yourself.

I ain't even lookin' for myself.

All I know is golf.

And I sure wish I could forget it.

- Hey.
- What?

Why forget it?

- Huh?
- Teach it.

Why, with all you know about golf,
you'd be a cinch to open a school.

You can stand people one at a time,
can't you?

Yeah.

Gee, that's a good idea, Lisa.

Boy, if I ever amount to anything,

you'll be the woman behind the man
that made the man behind the gun

who loved the woman behind the man
behind the gun.

I got carried away.

- Goodnight, Harvey.
- Goodnight, Lisa.

Goodnight, Lisa.

You know what?

The first thing in the morning,
I'm gonna get organized.

Goodnight, Lisa.

Goodnight, Harvey.

Mama reserved the church for February,
but she can postpone it again.

Maybe she won't...

Maybe she won't have to.
Once I get my school started...

- That's right, Harvey.
- Uh-huh!

Goodnight, Harvey.

Goodnight.

Excuse me.

I got carried away again.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Don't make too much noise.
Don't want to wake the folks.

I haven't been home in years.

Hey.

This is my room.

You're in my bed.

Excuse me.

Hey!

See you tonight, Lisa.

Ma! Pop!

Ma! Pop! Lisa!

Joe! Hey, Mama!

Joe!

Joe, it's wonderful you're back.

You know,
there's somebody in this house.

- You wait, I get my harpoon gun.
- Come on, let's...

- I found him in my bed. He looks nutty.
- Oh, no, Joe.

I don't know who he is.

That's it.

- That's Harvey.
- That's Harvey.

Harvey?

You're away from home
so we rent him your room, Joe.

- Yes. He's nice boy.
- Sure, he's a nice boy.

Come on, we fix Joe something to eat.

Yes, yes.

Harvey.

- Oh, I've seen this before.
- Goodnight, Harvey.

Not me.

Goodnight, Lisa.

Lisa, what is that?

Better get used to him, Joe.
He's going to be your brother-in-law.

That's nice.

My brother-in-law?

You want some coffee?

- Real hot coffee?
- Warm him up.

- Who makes better coffee than Mama?
- Not nobody.

- Papa sometimes.
- Here you are, all finish.

It's just like new.
Here, you, you try it on?

- There we go.
- Look good, Mama.

- How's it look, Pop?
- Very good.

- Good?
- Nice, nice.

Oh, Mama,
she's good to have Joe back?

Now, you're home, Joe,
we're gonna throw all these tables out.

Pop, here's $5. Buy yourself a new pipe.

Oh, Joe.

But, Mama, you could buy a new dress?

Hey, by the way, Pop,
what does Harvey do for a living?

Oh, he's a good boy.
He's no working now.

See?

Let's try it.

Now, take the club back slow and easy.

You should keep your head down, Lisa.

Now swing straight out
and follow through.

Will you please keep your head down?

Let me show you, Lisa.
You stand over there.

$10,000!

Hey.

What's going on here?
What're you doing?

Harvey's going to be a golf instructor.
I'm his first pupil.

Oh, Harvey, this is my brother, Joe.

- Oh, hello, Joe.
- Hi, Harvey.

- Hey, you're pretty good.
- Oh, thanks.

- He's wonderful.
- Yeah, but why teach?

Why don't you play?
You ever read the sports sections?

You can make a lot of money
in those tournaments.

- Tournaments, tournaments.
- Tournaments.

No, I can't play in front of people.

Oh, no, people make him very nervous.
He's high-strung.

Yes, I'm strung very high.

Well, you won all those trophies,
didn't you?

Oh, no, those are my father's.
Harvey Miller, Sr.

He was a great golfer.

- Are these your father's?
- No. Those are my baby shoes.

- Oh, you won these?
- No, I wore them.

- You wore them?
- Yeah, I never won anything.

- I tighten up.
- Oh, Harvey, you shouldn't tighten up.

You got to relax.

- Don't be jerky.
- I can't help it.

Wow.

Wow!

Joe, you're good, too.

You think I spend all my time
in poolrooms?

You're a natural, just like my Dad.

He won $5,000 at Pinehurst,
and $7,000 at Tam O'Shanter,

and $20,000 at Inverness,
and besides that,

there's sporting goods companies with
endorsements and exhibition games.

- Go ahead.
- I'm out of breath.

You'd make a wonderful combination.

Yeah, and there's a tournament opening
in Santa Barbara in a couple of weeks.

You could be the player
and I could be the caddy.

There's a $500 prize.

Gee, that'd buy us a lot of furniture.

It would mean work, work
and more work.

You have to bear down.

You know, I think you're running a fever.

- I'm no golfer.
- All you have to do is practice.

Hey, what's the matter?

I'm gonna get the police
and make you pay for the mess!

He's coming, he's coming.

Ma?

Ma? Will you sew a button on for me?

Harvey, hurry up with the cake.
Hurry up.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- Hey, what's going on here?
- It says "Welcome home, Joe. Amore."

- That means...
- Love.

- It's Italian. How'd you know?
- I used to work here.

Take back the cake.
He used to work here.

Home from your triumphal tour, Joe?

And this time is for good, too.

Joe, like old time,
you sing a song for Mama.

Oh, no, Mom.
Not in front of all these people.

Joe! You sing for Mama.

In Napoli where love is king

When boy meets girl
here's what they sing

When the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie

That's amore

When the world seems to shine
like you've had too much wine

That's amore

Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling
ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "Vita bella"

Bravo, Joe.

Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay
tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantella

Lucky fella.

When the stars make you drool
just like pasta fagiole

That's amore

When you dance down the street
with a cloud at your feet

You're in love

When you walk in a dream

But you know
you're not dreaming, signora

Mama.

Scuzza me,
but you see, back in old Napoli

That's amore

If you still kiss your girl
after garlic and oil

That's amore?

That's amore

If you call her your pet
though she's shaped like spaghett

That's amore?

That's amore

- Bells will ring
- Ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

- And you'll sing "Vita bella"
- Vita bella, Vita bella

- Hearts will play
- Tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantella

Tarantella

When the stars make you drool
just like pasta fagiole

That's amore

That's amore

When you dance down the street
with a cloud at your feet

- You're in love
- You're in love

When you walk in a dream

But you know you're not dreaming

Signore

Scuzza me,
but you see, back in old Napoli

- That's amore
- That's amore

Everybody sing.

When the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie

- That's amore
- That's amore

When the world seems to shine
like you've had too much wine

- That's amore
- That's amore

When you walk in a dream

But you know you're not dreaming

Hey, signore.

Scuzza me, but you see
back in old Napoli

That's amore

Signore

That's amore

Oh, Joe.

Everybody sit down!

- Come on.
- It's getting cold.

You eat, you eat.

I got to make important announcement.

Tonight, I tell you,

is the finest night in the whole life
of me and Mama.

Like my papa and me,

soon there gonna be another fisherman
in the family.

Congratulations, Mama.
Do you feel all right?

Oh, Harvey. You're crazy.

We're gonna have back with us

the second most finest fisherman
in all California.

My son, Joe.

But last night I got to thinking,

old boat not big enough
for two big fishermen like us,

so I talk to Mr. Spezzato this afternoon.

And I'm proud to say
he sold me the Santa Clara.

And I give Papa a good trade-in, Joe.

What's the matter, Captain?
All we owe is $500 cash.

$500? But, Pop,
why didn't you ask me first?

But you come home.

You stop running around the country
like a hobo.

You come home for good, no?

Well, even if I did,
I don't want to be a fisherman.

Then what you gonna do?

I'm gonna play golf.

He's gonna play golf?

Golf? What's a golf?

What's a golf? I mean, what's golf?

You hit a little ball with a stick.

You don't want be a fisherman, huh?

You want to hit a little ball
with a stick? Why?

There's a lot of money in it.

Sure, Pop.
If I win a couple tournaments,

I could fish for ten years
and never make that kind of money.

And I bet you never heard
of Ben Hogan.

He won $10,000 in two days
at Pinehurst.

You want to make a living
hitting a little ball with a stick?

And Harvey's father
won $20,000 at Inverness.

And Jimmy Thomson won $5,000
at Tam O'Shanter.

Oh, they won all this money, huh?
For what?

- For hit a little ball with a stick.
- Harvey.

- Well, that's what he said.
- Well, he knows how to say it.

- Papa, Joe could be a great golfer.
- Si...

I can see it all now.

We're on the course at Pinehurst.
There's a thousand people following us.

We're ready to tee off on the last hole.
Now, I hand Joe the club.

He walks up to the ball
very nonchalantly.

He takes aim, he swings

and it's a screamer
right down the fairway.

Fore!

Then I hand him his niblick.

- What's a niblick?
- That's a littler stick.

Now, he hits the ball right up
on the green.

It's about 25 feet from the cup.

Now, if he sinks this, he beats Hogan.
He'll be the new champ.

He aims, he putts
and the ball is going right for the cup.

It's at the cup and it rims the edge
and goes around,

and around and around and around...

- But it doesn't go in.
- It don't go in?

But, wait. Hogan putts.

He hits his ball, and it knocks
Joe's ball right into the cup!

- It's in, it's in. We won.
- Sure we won. He's my son, no?

And they take him up
to the Judge's Stand

and they give him this trophy.
He's the new champion.

Then they present him
with a $10,000 check.

- Bravo.
- I take it,

and, Pop, I give you some money
to pay off the new boat.

I buy Mom a mink.
And you two send your kids to Harvard.

They'll be doctors.

You trying to kill me, Joe?

That's enough for today, Joe.

Here we are, Joe.
Let's go in and register.

Okay with me.

Hey, dig this rug.
They really live it up here, huh?

Oh, yeah, my Dad used to take me
to all these places

when I was a kid, and he said
it's very important to socialize.

So mix, mingle.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Names, please.

This is Joe Anthony,
and I'm Harvey Miller, Jr.

Joe Anthony.
Yes, entered from San Francisco.

Uh-huh.

But I don't see any Harvey Miller, Jr.

No.

Oh, that's right. Joe's the player.
I'm his caddy.

The caddy house is next door, son.

- Oh, yes. Thank you.
- Wait a minute. We're partners.

- Lf he can't stay, I don't stay.
- Oh, no, Joe.

Will you excuse me just a second?

Now, Joe, don't worry about me.
I'll be all right.

We caddies have
an awful lot of fun together.

And you belong here and I belong there.
We'll be together.

- Thank you very much, sir.
- The caddy house is that way.

You told me before.

- I'd better go along with him.
- Take my word for it. He'll be all right.

Come on, I'll introduce you around.

Mr. Anthony, Bruce Reeber.

- How are you?
- Hi.

- Gaston Leron.
- How do you do?

- Sidney Benthall.
- How do you do?

Jonathan Preen and Harry Bell.

How are you?

- I'm Kathy Taylor.
- Hi.

Mr. Anthony is from San Francisco.

Say, if you're from San Francisco,
you must know Ted Kohler

- of Kohler, Heisler and Dodge.
- No, I don't.

Oh, but you must,
if you play at the Bay City Country Club.

I don't.

- What club do you represent up there?
- None.

- What club do you represent up there?
- None.

I know now. You played
in the Phoenix Open, didn't you?

- No.
- Anthony. Anthony. San Francisco.

- What business is your family in?
- Fish.

Importing or exporting?

- Catching.
- Oh.

I beg your pardon,
I would like to know if I could...

I beg your pardon, I would...

I beg your pardon!

I'm sorry.

I would like to know
if I can have a locker.

Hey, you're quite a tomboy, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?

Well, sticks and stones will
break my bones,

and names'll never harm me.

- Could I have a locker?
- Yeah, down that way, buddy.

- Thank you, sir. You're a gentleman.
- Thank you.

Come on, we got a pigeon. Come on.

Well, look at skinny-boy.

- Is it alive?
- You get out of here!

- All right.
- No, it's not.

Oh, brother.

Boo.

Go on, get out of here!

Go ahead.

Hello, fellas.

Wise guy.

Smart aleck.

Soap.

Towel. Towel.

Towel. Towel.

- I didn't even finish.
- I didn't even enter.

Won't you...

Hey, buddy, you got a towel?
Somebody took mine.

Oh, thanks.

You got awful small caddies here.

I got soap in my eyes.

I went over to get some water
and there wasn't any.

It's murder when you get soap
in your eyes

and you can't get to the water to wash

and I'm in my...

- Young man!
- I know, it's this way.

Oh, that kid! I love him! He...

Those of you who tuned in late,
this is Tom Harmon

reporting on the Santa Barbara Open,
with Joe Anthony...

Again, Papa.
I told you we need a new one.

You wait. I make fix. Work like a charm.

Joe Anthony approaches the ball.

His caddy is down behind the ball,
lining it up on his stomach.

He goes over to the golf bag,

- gets out a whisk broom.
- Wait one second, Joe.

- He starts to brush a path to the cup.
- Take it easy now.

Harvey? Will you
get out of the way, Harv?

Anthony waits very patiently.

He's now by the hole
and he's lining up the...

It's about two feet on your right.
Don't be nervous.

He approaches the ball.

He putts.

There it goes. It's rolling, rolling.

It goes round and round and in!

Attaboy, Joe!

Nice going, Anthony, old boy.

- Nice putt, Joe.
- Congratulations.

- We'll see you at the party, Kathy?
- I'll be there.

Oh, Mr. Anthony,
won't you join us at the party?

- Well...
- No?

- Yes.
- Hey, Joe, you were absolutely...

- Oh, very nice officialing, sir.
- Yes.

Will you get out of here?

Oh, all right.
I don't want to disturb anything, Joe,

so I'll see you back at the...

At the home.

- You thought I was going to say motel.
- Okay, goodbye, Harvey.

Nice round, Mr. Anthony.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Give us one more, Joe.
- Turn on the charm, Mr. Anthony.

Give them the full force
of your personality.

Fine.

"Welcome Home, Champ."
Wonder who that's for?

Oh, that's for Joe.
We gotta celebrate, don't we?

- Joe! Hi.
- Hi.

- That smells good.
- It is good.

Just like Mama makes. She taught me.

"For Joe." Hey, what is this?

Open it up, Joe.

- Oh, a new cap.
- No, that was my Dad's.

- But it's yours now.
- Thanks.

Try it on.

- Fits just like a glove.
- It sure does. Thanks, Harvey.

Oh, that's okay.
And here's something else.

I want you to have this.
My Dad won this at Inverness.

You know the old saying
"money comes to money,"

- maybe cups will come to cups.
- Thank you.

That's all right.

- Yeah, but I have a party...
- Yeah, it is sort of like a party, Joe,

and I got the wide noodles
you like so well.

No, you shouldn't have gone
to all this trouble.

Oh, it's all right, Joe.

A man that's under pressure
should have things he likes.

And it's good for the stomach, too.

After this, we'll have a couple of scoops

of that terrific chocolate crunch
ice cream and we'll hit the sack.

Yeah, but Kathy Taylor invited me
to the club dance.

Kathy Taylor?

Kathy Taylor.

Oh, that nice girl from the country club.
Oh, yes.

Oh, no! You can't go out, Joe.
You're in training.

Well, all the other fellows are going.

Well, gee, Joe. I'm supposed
to be your manager, isn't that right?

Yeah.

And I'm supposed to specify
whether you can go out or not.

Sure.

Oh, Harvey, I wouldn't do anything
to hurt our chances.

You'll dance until your legs are wobbly.

You're right. I'll sit out every dance.

That's twice as tiring.

Oh, Harvey, I'll be home early.

- 11:00?
- 11:00.

- Scout's honor?
- Uh-huh.

And if you're not home,
can I come after you

- and bring you home?
- Scout's honor.

Okay.

Oh, Harvey. I'm sorry about all this.

Oh, that's all right.

What's the difference, Joe?

All I have to do is take off one plate.

Anyhow, it'll be good for you to relax.

Have some laughs.

- But don't forget your promise.
- 11:00.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Don't you remember me? Kathy Taylor.

Girl receptionist. Belle of the links.

Oh, yeah. Well, good evening.

I better make that goodnight.
I'm out of uniform.

You're positively stunning.

So what if you left your dinner jacket
at home?

I left it in Kansas City.

- But I can show you the pawn ticket.
- I believe you.

- Shall we dance?
- Only if I lead.

You can lead.

Good evening.

What's the matter?

I'm worried about that dinner jacket
in Kansas City,

waiting for you to come back
and you never do.

Don't let that upset you.

I used to wear that
when I was a singing waiter.

It's full of beer stains anyhow.

And powder, too. And probably tears.

Some poor girl waiting for you
to come back and you never do.

Better make that plural. Girls.

Here we go again.

The subtle female approach.
"Is he attached or unattached"?

Okay, so you don't like my approach.
What's yours?

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

Step number one:
Shall we get a breath of air?

We shall.

I'm worried about step number two.

Step number two:
He sings a song at her.

Well.

I'll brace myself.

- Promise to catch me if I faint?
- I promise.

You're the right one

Yes, the right one

I have never been so sure

of anyone before

You're the first time

and the last time

You're the one time

there'll be no more

You're the star

That always seemed so far

But, darling, here you are

For all the world to see

So, if you love me

say you love me

For I know that you're the right one

for me

You're the star

That always seemed so far

But, darling, here you are

For all the world to see

So if you love me

say you love me

For I know

that you're the right one

The right one

For me

Know that you're the right one

for me

It's after 11:00.

Joe.

Gee, Joe,
if the Rules Committee ever saw you...

Now, get in here.

Come on, Joe.
You can't sleep with your clothes on.

How could you do this, Joe?

With the second round
coming up tomorrow.

Don't worry about me,
I'll come out fighting.

You're so drunk
you don't even know you're a golfer.

Now, look, if it's golf you want, okay,

but just don't nag, Emma.

Emma? I'm Harvey.

Hiya, Harvey.

Well, I thought you was Emma.

- And who are you?
- I'm Emma's husband.

- Oh.
- Don't tell her, though.

No. Where do you live?

Harvey, my boy, if I tell you,
will you promise not to take me there?

- No.
- Good. I live next door.

- Come on, let's go.
- Now, look, Harvey, I insist...

Come on, mister, will you please?
Here. Easy.

Take your pants and your shoes.

Easy now. Come on.

Hi, Emma.

I don't know where you've been,

but at least you came home
with first prize.

Joe.

Sing it again.
How about another chorus?

- Sing it again.
- More. Sing it again.

Not a cloud in sight

The sun's just right

The world's a bright bouquet

It's a wonderful kinda
whistlin' kinda mornin'

Oh, life is sweet

As sweet as people make it

So tweet your tweet

And hear the robin say, "Okay"

Get a happy-go-lucky feelin'

Come and live it up while you may

- Harvey.
- Joe, do you realize it's after 11:00?

- So what?
- Well, you promised, Joe!

Promised what?

Well, you promised you'd be home
at 11:00.

- Now, it's after 11:00!
- Harvey, I'm in the middle of a song.

Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
You said you were gonna come home.

Stop the music. Stop the music.

Now, say goodnight to everyone.

Goodnight to everyone.
Goodnight, you all.

- Goodnight, everyone.
- Harvey!

Goodnight...

You're very rude and impolite, sir.
What're you laughing at?

- You.
- Well, don't.

You may have a child of your own
some day.

What's the matter with you, Harvey?
You shouldn't yell at these people.

They belong here and you don't!

Yeah? Well,
they shouldn't laugh at me, Joe

'cause I'm trying
to take good care of you.

I appreciate that, Harvey,
but I have to finish the song.

- We can't be impolite and leave now.
- You could if you wanted to.

The music.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?
Stop pulling. Let me go.

It's the crooniest, tuniest
Juniest day to say

Not a cloud in sight

The sun's just right

The world's a bright bouquet

It's a wonderful kinda
whistlin' kinda mornin'

Oh, life is sweet

As sweet as people make it

So tweet your tweet

And hear the robin say, "Okay"

Get a happy-go-lucky feelin'

Come and live it up while you may

It's the dillyest, dallyest
pallyest day today

It's a wonderful kinda
whistlin' kinda mornin'

Oh, what a mornin'
Oh, what a mornin'

It's a wonderful kinda
whistlin' kinda day

This is Tom Harmon
announcing the final round

of the Santa Barbara Open.

Bell is now making his approach
to the green.

He shoots.

It's a beautiful, high pitch shot, rolling.

It stops four feet on the other side
of the pin.

One putt and he's in,
and there goes the old ball game.

Oh, don't you believe it, Joe.

It just takes a little courage
plus a cool head.

- Now lay one up there.
- You can do it, champ.

Hey, Anthony, it's your shot.

Wait a minute, Joe.

Come on, Anthony,
you're holding up the game.

- Now see here, boy. That's not allowed.
- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

"In the event a limb is endangering
the contestant's eyesight,"

"said limb may be remove." Removed.

Ruled by Jock MacRae,

August 23rd, 1886,
at Inverness, Scotland.

- Is there such a rule?
- Well, certainly there is.

Now if you'll excuse us, please?

Please.

- Harvey, is there such a rule?
- I don't know.

Go ahead, Joe.

Joe Anthony's next shot
and it's a very difficult shot.

He lines up the shot. He shoots.

It's a beautiful high approach.
It's rolling, it's rolling, it's rolling.

It breaks. It's in the cup!

Attaboy, Joe!

As the winner of our tournament,
you are invited to compete

in the $10,000 invitational

to be held at Monterey week after next.

- Good luck.
- Thank you, sir.

Good luck, Joe.

- Thank you.
- Good luck.

Thanks.

Until then you'll be my houseguest
at Carmel.

- No or yes?
- Yes.

And last, but certainly not least,

- the Club's check for $500.
- Thank you.

Bravo! $500. Paid in full.

For the last 10 years,
it has been the custom for the winner

to turn over the check
to our charity fund.

I know Mr. Anthony would insist
on following this noble tradition.

- Certainly.
- Thank you from all of us.

And, boy, when you sank it
that was really something, Joe.

My dad couldn't have done better.

Oh, it was nothing. It was really nothing.

But how is charity gonna get Pop
off the hook for the $500 he owes

on the new boat?
And furthermore, how we gonna eat?

But, Joe,
money's not the important thing.

It's the fact that now you're on your way.

I sure am.

And now we're invited to play
in the tournament,

and that's $10,000 we can keep.

- Joe Anthony?
- Yeah.

Sign this, please.

See, already, autograph hunters.

What is this?

Compliments of the Santa Barbara
Businessmen's Association.

Look.

- Hey, Joe, look at these golf balls.
- You look at them.

Look at this complete outfit.

- Give those boys a handsome tip.
- Here you are. No, keep it.

- And thanks very much for your trouble.
- Thanks for the gift.

Wise guy.

Anthony, you old hound dog, you.

See, Joe, what golf can do for you?

And back in San Francisco
we can live at home,

and practice with all these golf balls.

We're gonna have to catch up
on our short game.

Remember, you can't count on luck
all the time.

- What do you mean "luck?"
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Luck?

"Travelwell Deluxe."
I certainly intend to.

- Harv.
- Oh, yeah.

And by the way,
I'm not going to San Francisco.

You're not going home?

I'll practice every day.
The country club is right nearby.

- Nearby what?
- Kathy Taylor's home in Carmel.

Joe, we can't take a vacation now.
Our whole future's at stake.

- I just won a tournament, didn't I?
- Yeah, but not against Hogan or Snead,

and that's who you're gonna have
to play at Monterey.

Look, Harvey, I've never met
a Kathy Taylor before, and I like her.

I'm human.

Okay. We'll go to her place.

But remember, Joe,
you have to practice every day.

Harvey, one of us has to go home
and tell the folks how we're doing.

Well, gee, Joe, San Francisco's out of
the way if we are going to Carmel.

We ought to...

I guess you're right.

One of us will have to go home
and let the folks know how we're doing.

I'll meet you in Monterey
the morning of the qualifying round.

Okay, you take the clubs
and I'll give the folks your love.

You take the rest.

- Oh, that's Kathy.
- Sounds like she has a cold.

- Well, I'll see you in a week.
- Okay.

That's yours.

Thanks.

Okay, now you send the rest
of my things home, huh?

- Okay.
- Bye.

- Goodbye.
- Hi, Kathy.

- Let's go, champ.
- Be right with you.

Well, let's go.

How do you like that? I almost ran off
without giving any money to my caddy.

I knew you'd change your mind.
We're still buddies.

Sure, we're buddies.
How much money we got?

Oh.

We have $10, $20, $30, $35,

- $36.50.
- We're rolling in dough.

- Where'd you get all this?
- Oh, I had you in the caddies' pool.

But I spent $3.69 on the party for you.

Look, Harvey. I can't go up there broke.
I'll hang onto the $30,

and you keep the rest for food
and bus fare.

Don't mention it. You're entitled to it.
Enjoy yourself.

- Joe...
- Don't thank me. Have a good time.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Kathy, is this Carmel or Indianapolis?

What would your mother say
if she saw you driving like that?

- I don't know. Why don't you ask her?
- Hello, dear.

Hello, Mother. Say hello to Joe Anthony.

- Hello, Joe Anthony.
- Hello, Mother.

Oh, don't you dare.

My name is Grace,
and I lie about my age.

- Hello, Grace.
- Hello.

Joe just won the tournament.

Well, good for Joe. Wonderful.
Come along.

Can't you piggies be quiet?

This is the Taylor estate.

Oh, just a second. I'll get my things.

Thank you, Mr. Farmer.

Joey!

Joey?

Joey?

Joey! Joey!

I'm not a robber, I'm looking for Joey!

Hello. Hello, doggies.

I'm poor and skinny.

Leave me alone.
I wouldn't taste good anyhow.

What are you complaining about?

You belong here. You're an animal.
I'm a human.

And I'm hungry.

Well, don't be selfish.

I don't want any of your hay.
You can have that.

Can't I just please have a carrot?

Thank you. You're very kind.

Won't you have a little scrambled egg?

You have absolutely nothing
on your plate.

Well, I could hardly...

Yes, Lisa?

8:30! Oh, thanks, Rodney,
for waking me up.

I gotta get these clubs to Joe
right away.

Good morning.

Thanks again, Rodney.
I'll see you soon.

Watch my things, huh? Thanks.

Oh, how am I going to get out of here?

Hello, how do you do?
I'm looking for Mr. Anthony.

He forgot his clubs, so I brought them
to him so he could practice.

Mr. Anthony is out cycling
with Miss Taylor.

I'll take them.

No, I wanted to see... l...

Nice doggies.

Hello, doggies. I'm not the same fella.

If you don't believe me, take a...
Take a sniff.

See, the guy you want is still inside.

Hey! What are you doing out here?

You're not supposed
to be with a guest.

Come on with me.

I can hardly lift it now.

Well, forget all about
your diets, everybody.

Food.

Food.

- Good morning, Mr...
- Good morning, sir. Splendid morning.

Splendid. Wonderful morning,
and it's the best time to get up,

- is in the morning, isn't it?
- Breakfast, sir?

Sure! I mean, yes,
I suppose I might have a bite.

- Yes. What might I serve you, sir?
- Oh, the sausages are fine.

Wonderful.

And ham.
Ham in the morning is just wonderful.

Eggs with it.
Nothing like eggs with it in the morning.

And a muffin. That is very nourishing.
Bacon. Bacon's wonderful.

Oh, wonderful. Fine.
How about just one more for the road?

One more.

Oh, lamb chops
are very nourishing in the morning.

I'll take that, and thank you.

Oh, buns.

Buns.

Little buns. Little ones. Yes, I love them.
Baby buns.

And we missed something. You're cold.
You're getting warmer.

No, you're cold. You were warm.

Hot! Kippers! I just adore kippers.

- Potatoes, sir?
- Potatoes?

- Want me to ruin my waistline?
- Oh, sorry, sir.

- It's all right.
- Thank you.

- Shall we start over?
- Oh, no.

No. No, I'll have to get
some warm plates.

Warm plates? I'll be here.

I'll be here, waiting.

Hearty appetite.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

In all the excitement
of arriving yesterday,

- I don't believe we've met.
- Thank you.

Although you do look familiar.

My name is Benthall, Sidney Benthall.

The name is Miller. Harvey Miller, Jr.

May I present Miss Carlton,
Miss Kennedy.

- Miss Carlton, Miss Kennedy.
- Mr. Miller.

- How do you do...
- Oh, no, that's Mr. Leron.

- Awfully pleased to know you. Awfully.
- But I have seen you somewhere before.

- I have never been there before.
- At the golf tournament dance.

- At Santa Barbara.
- Santa Barbara?

You are right, it was Santa Barbara.

- It could not have been Santa Barbara.
- Well, who are you?

- Who am I?
- Where are you from?

Where am I from?

Gentlemen, from Miami to London,

from London to Boston

I'm known as the gay continental.

Continent, continent, continental

And I got this way quite accidental

All my people have riches

And velveteen britches

And white tie and tails and top hats on

And top hats and top hats
and top hats on

And they breakfast in bed
with their spats on

Life's a bore

Having cocktails and tea around four

Whee, fiddle-dee-dee

I keep drinking as long as they're free

Now my old family tree

Is so precious to me

It is the sturdy old tree
I was sprung from

It is the sturdy old tree
I was sprung from

I was sprung, I was sprung
I was sprung from

'Tis the tree that my grandpa
was hung from

Though I can't pay my rental

A gay continental am I

Hi, ho, hum

I'm a high-class society crumb

C'est la vie

Now in French
that means nothing to me

My old family estate

Is so big and sedate

If you happen my way, give a look in

Give a look, give a look, give a look in

On the Rue de la Flatbush in Brooklyn

I'm a wee temperamental

At times, detrimental

My money's parental

My attitude's mental

My upper plate's dental

A gay continental am I

- Harvey, what are you doing here?
- The breaststroke.

- I never learned to crawl.
- Come out of there.

Now I know who you are.

- Why, you're...
- I'm his caddy.

Caddy? Sorry.

You're supposed to be
in San Francisco.

Don't you know these people
are all invited guests?

Consider yourself invited, Harvey.
I'm glad you're here.

- Oh, thank you.
- We can use you.

- Can't we, Mother?
- Why, of course.

Until the tournament starts
you can earn some money.

Charles, with so many extra guests,
we'll need another man.

Charles will take care of you.

Oh, you don't understand. Joe and I...

Well, I think that's very sweet
of Mrs. Taylor.

- But, Joe, we gotta practice.
- You're very conscientious, Harvey,

- but, don't overdo it.
- Come along, boy.

Now, go along, boy.

- He's really a very nice guy.
- Of course, he is.

- He's really a very nice guy.
- Of course, he is.

Listen to this part of the letter
from Harvey.

He say, "Joe won at Santa Barbara

"and we play again soon
at the $10,000 Monterey tournament."

- So who say he's gonna win?
- I say so.

I don't believe you. I attach!

Wait, Mr. Spezzato.

- I'll get Harvey on the phone.
- That's a good idea, Lisa.

Would you like
something to eat, ma'am?

Why not try one of these?
They're very good. I just had one.

You might as well take a handful, lady.

Supper ain't gonna be ready
for at least a half-hour.

I don't know how you can fill up
on these tiny sandwiches.

- Would you like to have one?
- No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Phone call for Mr. Harvey Miller, Jr.

Oh, that's me.
Would you please pass these around?

Thank you.
And watch the man with the beard.

He's already had seconds.
Push the celery. We can't get rid of it.

- You can't use that phone.
- Hello? It works.

Hello, Lisa! How are you?

You'll have to talk a little louder,
sweetheart, we're having a party here.

Mr. Spezzato's here
and he's worrying about his money.

He wants either his $500
or the restaurant.

Hello, Mr. Spezzato?

Oh, Joe's a cinch. It's in the bag.

- Oh, yes, sir, he's in great shape.
- Would you give me that phone?

Lisa,

this phone call is SWAK.

SWAK?

S-W-A-K.

Sealed with a kiss.

Here, give me that.
Take this and get in there with it.

You're nasty.

Cheers.

Just 68-and-a-half more hours
before a certain tournament.

- I'll take this glass for you, sir.
- What's that look like, a finger bowl?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I thought it was empty.

I'll get you a fresh finger bowl.

- The heat's on.
- Shut it off.

How about a sandwich, sir?
Lt'll be much better for you than a drink.

- Vitamins, you know.
- I'd much rather have a drink.

- We're all out of gin, sir.
- That's impossible. There's plenty.

Oh, what do you... Yes, we're...

- Is that boy one of our regular servants?
- He's my caddy, Mr. Taylor.

- Kathy gave him a temporary job.
- Caddy?

Oh, you're the lad who won
the tournament at Santa Barbara.

Grace told me all about you.

Here's luck.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Your glass is empty.
I'll send Charles.

You better leave
the whole tray here, Charles.

Been off my game for quite a while now.
Shooting in the 90's.

- Oh, will you have a cigarette?
- Thank you.

Here's a light.

- I filled this glass, didn't I, Kathy?
- Yes, you did.

- I put the tray down there, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.

- Oh, I'll take that, Jane.
- Very well.

- Seafood, madam?
- Hey, Charlie.

- You idiot!
- I'm freezing.

Keep cool!

Oh, you clumsy, clumsy boy.

Oh, you kill me.
I love that... With the tray...

- Oh, not that face.
- Harvey.

- Harvey, get out of here. You're drunk.
- That's funny, Joe.

Every time you start to drink,
you think everybody else is drunk.

If you'd have gone to San Francisco
like I told you to,

- this wouldn't have happened to me.
- I'll apologize to everybody.

- I know I embarrassed you.
- You certainly did.

Well, tell them all I'm not a servant.

I'm your friend, Joe. I'm your pal.
I'm gonna be your brother-in-law.

I'm your friend, Joe. I'm your pal.
I'm gonna be your brother-in-law.

- Brother-in-law?
- Naturally.

That's why I wanna protect him.

That's why I want him
to win the tournament, naturally.

- For Lisa's sake.
- Lisa?

Naturally.

Oh, boy, Joe.
Lisa called on the telephone,

and she sent you her love.

- I spoke out of turn?
- Just in time.

Charles... Charles, announce dinner
at once, please.

Dinner is served.

I hope they have frankfurters.
I'm gonna take care of...

- Dinner is served. Hurry up, everybody!
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

Come on, it's gonna get cold. Hurry up.
Last one in's a rotten egg.

- I can't have this.
- Come on. Everything's gonna get cold

- and you won't have nothing to eat.
- What am I going to do?

- Everybody hurry!
- There goes my job.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Will you get out of here?

Now, come on, get out of here.

Really.

Look, honey.
I told him not to come up here.

Harvey's got things all mixed up.

He's going to be
your brother-in-law, isn't he?

Well, sure.

And Lisa is going to be
the blushing bride?

Yes, but you don't...

He doesn't have things mixed up
as far as I'm concerned.

Your faith in me
is very touching. Thanks.

Come in, Joe.

Harvey?

Oh, Miss Taylor, hello.

- Oh, you shouldn't have done it.
- Take this.

Thank you.

And then this.

- Thank you.
- What's all this?

Oh, I've caused you enough trouble,
Miss Taylor.

Well, it's not your fault, Harvey.

I hope that Joe and Lisa
will be very happy together.

Oh, they will be. She likes him.

It's always, "My big brother this,"
and "My big brother that."

Well, I've never thought of him
as the big brother type.

Well, you would if you were his sister,
like Lisa.

- Her sister? Joe's her sister?
- No, Joe's her brother.

- You're all confused, Miss Taylor.
- My dear brother-in-law.

Charles? Where's Mr. Anthony?

Oh, are you sure?

Thank you.

- Joe's gone.
- Joe's gone?

- Yes.
- He can't be.

What about the tournament?
What are we gonna do?

I'll help you find him, Harvey.
But then it's every man for himself.

Thanks. You heading
for San Francisco?

- Your name Joe Anthony?
- Yeah, what's wrong?

Let's take a look at that bag.

Hey, what are you doing? That's mine.

"Inverness Open Tournaments.
Winner: Harvey Miller, Sr."

- I thought your name was Anthony.
- It is. That cup was given to me.

This is my bag
and these are my clothes.

- This isn't my cap.
- We can see that. Come on, get in.

Oh, do come in, please.

Well, here he is, miss. We found him.
He had Mr. Miller's suitcase, all right.

Yes.

Kathy, will you tell them the truth?

I think you gentlemen had better speak
to Cousin Harvey.

Cousin Harvey?

Yes, Kathy, darling. Coming, my dear.

Oh, visitors. Very nice.

Scotland Yard.
I see you've collared the crazy kid.

Splendid. Splendid.

Good heavens. It's Joe, the gardener.

Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Miller,
but he tried to tell us it was his bag.

Ridiculous, ridiculous.

Watch him. Watch him.

He's not a bad boy, Officer.
He's just mischievous.

I don't think Cousin Harvey
wants to prosecute,

do you, Cousin Harvey?

As long as he doesn't give me
any trouble.

- I'll give you plenty.
- You got your gun?

Keep your eye on him.

You'd better behave yourself,
young man,

or these nice police officers
will throw you in the pokey.

You can run along, gentlemen.

Leave him here
and I'll give him a stern talking to.

- Well, I don't know...
- It's all right,

and send me a dozen tickets
to the Policemen's Ball.

- Thank you, Mr. Miller.
- That's all right. Bully, bully.

Splendid.

Help!

- What is it?
- What's wrong?

Good evening.

- Make that two dozen tickets.
- Thank you, sir.

- That's all right. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

- Joe, if you could only see your face.
- Very funny.

- Now that you've had your fun, can I go?
- Wait, Joe. Everything's straight.

Kathy knows it's me
Lisa was gonna marry and not you.

- Everybody's happy. I'll get your clubs.
- I'm very sorry.

- It was just a misunderstanding.
- Oh, sure.

You'll need these.

What good are they gonna do me
on a fishing boat?

- Oh, but I didn't tell you the bad news.
- No, you didn't.

About Mr. Spezzato.
He's gonna take Mama's restaurant

and Papa's boat away,
if they don't pay him the $500.

We gotta win the $10,000.

I'll get it.

Wait, Joe. We're a team.

We were a team.
And you stay away from me.

Joe.

I thought it took at least two
to make a team.

That's what I thought.

Do you break up a team
by just walking out?

I'm very sorry, Harvey.

Well, if it isn't the little hitchhiker.

So you're stealing golf bags now.

- Oh, no, not again.
- All right, Sticky Fingers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I welcome you
to the Monterey Invitational Tournament.

I don't see him anywhere, Harvey.

Leading off from the first foursome,

the winner of the first
Los Angeles Open Tournament,

"Light Horse" Harry Cooper.

Urgent message for Miss Kathy Taylor.

Miss Kathy Taylor,
report to the clubhouse telephone.

- Miss Taylor?
- Yes, I am.

- Telephone.
- Hello. Yes, I'm Kathy Taylor.

You're Kathy Taylor,
I'm Joe Anthony and I'm in jail.

- Joe!
- Joe?

- He's in jail.
- Jail!

Joe, Joe! Oh!

Quiet, please!

Now, listen, if this is another one
of your gags, it isn't funny.

Tell it to them.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

- Oh, I see. Well, I'm sorry.
- He's sorry.

Well, hurry.

- They can get him here in 15 minutes.
- He tees off in the next foursome.

He can't possibly make it.
He'll be disqualified.

- Disqualified?
- On the tee,

- Disqualified?
- On the tee,

Slammin' Sammy Snead!

On the tee...

If we could only do something
to delay them.

Jimmy Thomson.

What if I fainted or had a spell
right on the tee?

Oh, no, that's no good.
You don't know professional golfers.

They're like killers.
They'd play right over your body.

That gives me an idea.

Hey, mister. Excuse me, sir.

- Mr. Thomson, is this your ball?
- Yeah.

- It's undersized. Against regulations.
- It couldn't be. I just bought it inside.

Oh.

- Do you have a knife?
- No.

No. How about you?
Do you have a knife?

- Yeah.
- May I borrow it?

Could you open it, please. Just open it.

I'd like to examine it.
Thank you very much.

It's getting late, isn't it?

.3962. Perfect.
Here you are, Mr. Thomson.

Hit away.

- Is he with you?
- I thought he was with you.

Who are you with?

- Oh, I'm with you.
- Get off the tee!

Ball, please.

- No funny stuff while I drive, please.
- Certainly not, Ben, certainly not.

On the tee, Bantam Ben Hogan.

- Here he is, Miss Taylor.
- Thank you.

- Oh, Joe, I'm so glad you're fine.
- It all right if I take my clubs now?

- Sure.
- On the tee,

Joe Anthony from San Francisco.

- I'm Joe Anthony.
- You're just in time.

- You're on the tee right now.
- Can I have a caddy?

Well, I'm sure
there's been one assigned to you.

- Hello.
- Look, I don't want...

He doesn't want to delay the game
any longer,

so we'll tee off in just a minute.
Would you excuse us, please?

We have work to do.
Would you, please?

- Thank you very much.
- Look, Harvey, will you...

Yes, I've been examining
the course, sir.

Yes, sir, and this is a very narrow hole

and I suggest we start
with the three-wood.

- Give me the driver.
- All right, here you are.

I'm sorry,
it was your wash from the motel.

- I had nowhere to put it.
- Give me a ball, Harvey.

- No ball.
- Why don't you try your pocket?

Here you are. Sorry, Joe.

Be quiet. This is not funny.

- That's an eight-iron, Joe.
- I don't want the eight-iron.

- You better listen to him, Joe.
- Will you give me the six-iron?

- Harvey, this is the eight-iron.
- That's the club you should use!

Give me the six-iron!

Joe, that's the wrong club, Joe.

- That is not the right...
- One more disturbance, Mr. Anthony,

and I'll be forced to disqualify you.

I'm sorry, sir. It was all my fault.
I won't make any more noise.

Well, see that you don't.

It's Fisherman's Wharf!
They brought everything but the dock.

$10,000.

Look, Mama, there's Harvey and Joe.
Wave to them.

Joe, we've come all the way
from San Francisco to see you win.

Pop, why did you drive
on the golf course?

I see big sign on the house.
It says, "Driving Range." So I drive in.

Anthony, I warned you.
You're disqualified!

Oh, no, wait, please.

Joe's gotta play,
or we'll lose the Mama Mia,

and Mama Anthony's restaurant.
You can't disqualify Joe.

You cannot throw my Joe
out of the game.

They're not gonna play without Joe.

Come on.
We'll move the trucks out ourselves.

You no move nothing!
We wanna see our Joe play!

- Harry, call the police.
- All right, call the police, big shot.

- Now, you get off the course.
- Hey, don't you push me.

You're not gonna let them
disqualify Joe, are you, Mr. Hogan?

Well, I'm sorry, that's up to the officials.

Oh. Well, if Joe's not gonna play,

nobody's gonna play. Come on, Mama.

Look, we've had just about enough...

- Don't you hit Harvey!
- Lady, please.

- Mama, let's go in the car.
- But, where's Papa?

Papa! Papa!

This ain't funny.

You're crazy to waste your time
playing golf.

We've had just about enough...

You know, you guys could have
a great future in show business.

- Show business?
- Come on!

Here, take my card, look me up.

All right, come on. Let's get out of here.

Joe.

Joe, I did it!

Joe, I ain't scared of people.
I did it, Joe.

Officers, it was those two.

- Come on!
- I ain't scared.

They did this!

Hang on, Joe. Hang on!

They kill me.

Oh, I like the way I'm feeling
with the one that I adore

Yes, I like this funny feeling
that I've never felt before

But if you should say you like it
then I'd like it even more

There's so many, many little likes
I'm always dreaming of

And it takes a lot of little likes

to make one

big love

What would I do without you
what would I do, boy

What would I do without you
what would I do

I need a partner, you're the one

I'll be right there
when the show goes on

- I'm for you
- I'm for you

From California to Kalamazoo

What would I do without you
when you're gone

- When you're gone, when you're gone
- When you're gone, when you're gone

Oh, what would I do without you
what would I do

Let's hurry, boys.
Ten minutes before the train comes.

Go up and change.

- I've got my story.
- Oh, that's swell. Thank you.

- Bye.
- Goodbye, everyone.

- Let's go, fellows, train time.
- You can pick up your keys at the desk.

You got a tough act to follow.

Hurry, Joe, we haven't got much time.
We'll miss the train.

- Lisa and Kathy'll meet us backstage.
- What are your names?

- I'm Dean Martin.
- And I'm Jerry Lewis. Martin and Lewis.

Here, close the door.
I'm in my birthday suit.

- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know.

- You were wonderful.
- I was?

- Well, how about me?
- So were you, Joe. You were marvelous.

- Joe?
- That's me.

- Harvey?
- That's me.

How lucky can two guys get?

Yeah, we got it real bad,
ain't we, Dean?

Yeah, Jer.