All language subtitles for Rob

[music playing]

[heart monitor beeping]

[music playing]

[car spinning out]

[cars crashing]

Hey, can you help me?

I need a doctor.

No, my friend,
you need a lawyer.

Call me.

Hey.

[music playing]

[siren]

[beeping]

[yelling]

Good morning, boys.

Looks like you lost
your patient again.

[music playing]

PATIENT: Hey!

[yelling]

[crashing]

[cat hissing]

[coughing]

Do I have to separate you two?

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

HOSPITAL PA: Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fines, Dr. Howard.

Arr.

Wait your turn.

Don't you know everybody's
in here waiting?

Go take a seat.

Take a seat over there.

Do you have an insurance card?

No.

Take a seat over there,
and fill out these forms.

Where?

Over there.

Sir, your eyeball.

[splat sound]

Next!

Hey, that's you, buddy.

[creaking]

[thump]

[farting]

I guess that's me.

I've got this incredibly
painful paper cut.

Do you have an insurance card?

Yes, I do.

[angelic sounds]

Code green!

Code green!

[alarm sounding]

[music playing]

Oh my goodness.

Nice booty.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[somber music playing]

Great, on top of everything
else, the circus is in town.

Hey.

[honking]

Do I have to see all
these patients by myself?

Where are my doctors?

They're at the meeting
on electronic charting,

Dr. Roskin.

Didn't you get the memo?

No, there's nothing in my box.

I sent it to you by email.

Email, yes, damn computers.

Look, find the technology
to page Dr. Callaby.

I need help down here.

[honking]

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Oh, too bad, so sad.

Just started this round,
got 17 holes to go.

Hey, how nice of
you all to join me.

Dr. Murphy, you take the
clown in room 5, Dr. Keefe,

you take the headache in room 7.

He's got a headache?

No, he is a headache.

Bonacasa, the mime in
room 9 is all yours.

BONACASA: What's
wrong with the mime?

Didn't say.

Go, go, go.

Nurse Nancy, if you'd be good
enough to pry yourself away

from that screen, you should
be paging Dr. Ramala to the ER,

and I want Dr. Mills down
here for the FLK in room 6.

JAKE GORMAN: (ON TV) Can't
pay your electric bill?

Sue your doctor.

I'm Jake Gorman, Attorney
at Law and I care for you.

[kisses]

Rat bastard.

Mr. Jenkins, what seems
to be the problem today?

Now, wait a minute.

I don't want some
snot-nosed punk

who's not even able to shave
yet telling me he's my doctor.

I want a real doctor.

And I am a real doctor, OK?

And I assure you I'm
most qualified to--

Is there a problem here?

No.

No problem.

You're damn right
there's a problem.

I've been waiting for two hours
to be seen by a real doctor.

You know, one with
hair on his peepee?

And I know my rights, I'm
going to call my lawyer.

I'm Dr. Roskin,
R Chief of Staff.

I've been running this
ER for some 25 years now.

On the peepee hair
front, I boast

a rather generous thatch of
botanical splendor, much of it

a well-earned gray.

May I see the chart, please.

I see that you've never been
vaccinated against tetanus,

rabies, distemper, dengue fever,
malaria, rockin' pneumonia,

or the boogie-woogie flu.

No, no, that's OK, doc,
I don't need those shots.

Well, medically,
I'm sure you're right.

But the lawyer you said
you would be calling

would find me negligent if
I didn't give them to you.

So, Nurse Helga, please,
if you would assist

the young Dr. Keefe, thank you.

Yes, doctor.

[music playing]

[slap]

[screaming]

[baby crying]
- Dr. Murphy.

Yeah.

There's a patient here who
insists on being seen by you.

OK, thanks.

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Dr. Murphy?

Yes?

Damn glad to meet you.

Oh, this is from Jake Gorman's
office, you've been served.

Have a nice day, doc.

Damn, that's the
third malpractice suit

today, you punk.

I don't think that
hip is broken at all.

Let's try standing, there.

Yes, good, OK,
we'll walk a little.

I quit!

Dr. Murphy.
[cracking]

[crying]

I try to help these upstanding
citizens, how do they repay me?

By suing me every
chance they get.

I'm finished.

Now, Bradley, please,
don't leave me now.

I'm begging you, I've got
wall-to-wall patients here.

They're going to have to get
better on their own, Richard.

I'm finished, I'm done.

Finito, gone, hasta
la bye-bye, game over.

[video game sound]
See this?

Uh-huh.

[explosion]

Now if you will excuse me,
I have a clown to kill.

That's it!

I need an administrator.

Get Buttkiss down here now.

Mr. Abrams, I'm Gene Buttkiss.

I'm the Chief Administrator
here at North Mercy.

Your health is very important
to you, isn't it, sir?

It sure is.

And what would you say
it would be worth to you

for my staff to nurse
you back to health?

You can't put a
price on health.

- Try.
- A million dollars.

Oh, a million dollar,
oh, I like that.

[laughing]

And how much are you
actually going to pay us?

Well, I have no money,
I have no insurance.

Oh, no money, oh, oh, I see.

So for a million dollars
worth of service,

you're going to pay us the grand
total of-- oh, I don't know.

For argument's
sake, let's just use

a ballpark figure of nothing!

Zip, nada, goose egg!

You are out of here!

[yelling]

[crashing]

I don't know about
you, but I feel better.

[whistling]

Buttkiss.

Oh, Dr. Roskin,
what can I do for you?

Murphy quit, I
need more doctors.

More doctors,
right, sure, I'll just

pull a few more out of my ear.

I mean it.

I don't care where they
come from, I need more docs.

All right, Richard, I'll
call corporate headquarters.

But until then, I've got
some medical advice for you.

Don't hold your breath.

[music playing]

Thanks for calling RIP,
sorry to keep you on hold

for so long.

How can I help--

hello?

Hello?

Make it quick.

Yes, sorry to bother you, sir.

Bothering me is
your job, Buttkiss,

and you do it very well.

I see.

Well, you tell Dr. Roskin that
he'll have his new doctor,

first thing tomorrow morning.

BUTTKISS: Thank you, sir.

Um, right.

OK, good.

Thank you.

Board members,
shareholders, and executives,

it is my honor to serve as
president of RIP Health Care.

As many of you know,
I was the owner

of the bionics and medical
devices division for years.

What many of you don't
know, however, is that I

was born without a heart.

There's no heartbeat.

This baby has no heart.

[crying]

I was rushed to the
neonatal intensive care unit,

and there received the first
ever fully-automated internal

combustion artificial heart ever
produced by the medical devices

division of RIP Health Care.

This baby saved my life.

And since the company
saved my life,

I thought it was only my
duty to save the company.

And I have.

RIP Health Care
will enjoy a profit

of no less than $3 billion
this fiscal quarter alone.

[applause]

But we do have a problem.

You see, each year we lose
literally hundreds of millions

of dollars in medical
malpractice lawsuits

brought against our doctors
by sleazy, slimy, low-life,

blood-sucking, leaching lawyers.

[dramatic music]

But what can we do?

We're a hospital,
we need doctors.

And doctors make mistakes.

After all, they're
only human, right?

Not any more.

[dramatic music]

What if I were to
tell you that we

can have a doctor that works 24
hours a day, seven days a week?

A doctor that knows everything,
a doctor that can do anything.

A doctor that makes no mistakes.

You'd say I was crazy!

You'd say I was a raving
lunatic, wouldn't you?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you the future of medicine.

I give you medical device MD-63.

Made with the latest
space-age composite materials

and microprocessors,
packing 350 gigabytes of RAM

and a 2.4 liter
air-cooled engine,

MD-63 can effectively,
efficiently,

and inexpensively do the work
of a dozen human doctors.

MD-63 will now demonstrate his
ability to perform the world's

fastest physical examination.

Ah, John from the mailroom
was kind enough to volunteer

to be the first patient.

OK, MD-63, begin.

[beeping and whirring]

[whirring]

[cracking]

Oh my gosh.

He's totally crushing that
guy's nuts, shut him down!

I'm trying!

[screaming]

[alarm]

We give you $3 billion
of research money,

and you give us a defective
ball-busting bucket of bolts?

Frank, how nice of you
to stand up and volunteer

to be the next patient.

Meeting adjourned.

Hurry up.

You.

Get that high-tech
groin-grabbing,

crotch-crunching nut
cracker fixed now.

MD-63 starts tomorrow morning
at North Mercy Hospital.

Did you say North Mercy?

Did you say tomorrow?

Yes, have you got
a problem with that?

No, no, it's not a problem.

Good, because he will be
in that hospital tomorrow

as a doctor, or
the two of you will

be in the hospital as patients.

Pasqual, stay with them,
make sure they get it done.

Look at my client.

Look at the hideous scar you
left across his forehead, Dr.--

Sosumi.

Doctor, I am suing you.

No, my name is Dr. Sosumi.

Hai.

Hai.

OK then, Doctor, what possible
justification can you have

for leaving that horrible scar?

I had to operate
to save his life.

To save his life?

What kind of life do
you think my client's

going to have now, now that
you butchered his skull?

My client may look
like a monster.

But you, you, Doctor,
are the monster.

Doctor, did you warn
my client Mr. Martin

that he was going to have
a horrible scar before you

ruthlessly and maliciously
hacked open his skull?

No, he fall off bar stool.

He was unconscious,
he was in coma.

Oh, I see.

Hey, he was unconscious,
he was in a coma.

So you figured
out, what the hell,

I can do whatever I wanted.

What if you wanted
to have sex with him.

[gasping]

Did you, Doctor?

Did you have sex
with Mr. Martin?

Did you?

Did you flip him over and do the
horizontal hula on anesthesia?

[interposing voices]

[gavel pounding]

Order!

Order in the court!

No more questions, your honor.

[grunting]

The sight of this--

[retching]

Doctor, makes me sick.

Yeah, $2 million for a
scar on a drunk whose life

isn't worth a nickel.

Don't worry, you'll get
your usual finder's fee.

Hey, I got to go, I got some
business I got to chase down.

Thanks buddy.

You're welcome, Jake.

Very welcome.

Ah!

Thank you for
coming Dr. Mills.

Looks like you've found another
patient for your clinic.

I'm afraid your
son is cross-eyed.

Has Dr. Callaby come down yet?

What are you doing?

Charting vital signs.

And who's taking
these vital signs?

The machine over there.

So you're telling this machine
with that machine is doing.

Yeah, that's my job.

Well, we're the people
whose job it is to take

care of the patients, see?

That's what they
look like, they're

over there, those living,
actual, human things

over there.

We have too many of those,
not enough nurses, not

enough doctors, not enough
time, and too many computers.

Are you listening to me?

No, because you're
talking to a computer.

Let me guess, you're the mime.

I'll take that as a yes.

What seems to be the problem?

Your nose is running.

You have a runny nose.

Anything else?

Your throat.

Is-- sounds like saw.

Sore.

Your throat is sore.

That is really funny, a
mine with a sore throat.

Here, why don't
you have a lozenge,

and I'll write you
a prescription.

Don't be afraid, I'm a doctor.

Go ahead.

You know it's kind of
funny, when I was a kid,

I really wanted to
be a mime, and I used

to do that box thing for hours.

I'd be like-- you know?

[groaning]

What, it's not that bad, you
don't have to be insulting,

buddy.

[choking]

Oh my God.

Come here.

[grunting]

[funk music playing]

[popping]

[groaning]

Oh, excuse me.

[interposing voices]

Out of the way,
move, watch out.

Dr. Callaby, we
need you right now.

We've got a multiple trauma.

He's got a open head
injury, a ruptured spleen,

and chopped liver.

His BP is 25/5.

Uh.

[grunting]

Oh, this guy's a mess, I don't
have time for this today.

I've got to be on the
golf course in 10 minutes.

Everyone on my count.

One, two, three.

[funeral music]

[groaning]

[yelling]

Dr. Callaby, that man
is going to die unless you

get him into surgery right now.

That man is going to die no
matter what I do right now.

So if it's all the same to you,
I'd rather be playing golf.

Hey, you walk out, I report
you to the state medical board.

Oh, and while you're at
it, why don't you inform them

that I am the only doctor
on staff that has never

been sued for malpractice.

If you'll Excuse me,
the green is calling.

Get back here, Callaby, I'm
gonna to count to three.

One, two, three--

Fore!

It's getting late.

You guys finished
with this tin can yet?

Well, I adjusted
his tactile sensors,

so he doesn't crush anymore--

right.

And right now, I'm scanning
this month's medical journals

to update his database.

We're almost done, OK?

He'll be ready by morning.

He better be.

Damn it.

If this doesn't work,
we're both dead.

Speaking of dead, I better
have a talk with Lauren Mills

before we bring him up
on the floor tomorrow.

What do you say we
just get a last meal?

How about pizza?

Sounds good, let's go.

[whirring]

[funk music playing]

[cars crashing]

[HOSPITAL PA CALLING
INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.

Rise and shine.

That includes you
Mr. Mime Molester.

What?

What'd I do?

Nothing, other than the mime.

Come on, I didn't do the mime.

In my country, it is
strictly forbidden to have

sexual relations with mimes.

Bearded ladies, yes.

But mimes, never.

What country are you from?

I'm from Akmannycaca.

We are listed first
in the UN phone book.

Did you hear me?

Come on, we've got a
backlog from last night.

Look at this, we have 38--

37 patients to see.

He was in my parking spot.

We've been
through this, Jason.

I know we talked about this.

I just want to be
sure you understand.

I just-- I want
you to be prepared.

I know you were in love my
brother, but this isn't him.

It's created in his
image, but it's a machine.

It isn't human.

He isn't Ro-- it isn't Robert.

It was a long time ago.

I'm over it.

Then why do you still
wear the watch he gave you?

I need to know the time.

Richard, I've got
some great news for you.

I found you another doctor.

Oh, thank goodness.

Welcome aboard, Doctor--

I'm not the doctor.

This is your doctor.

Hello Dr. Roskin, I'm medical
device model number MD-63.

I'm your new mechanized,
computerized physician

replacement.

[laughing]

This is a good joke.

A hidden camera
around here somewhere?

I'll just let you
two get acquainted.

That's funny, it is.

It's no joke, Doctor.

I'm Jason Dockery,
MD-63's chief technician.

I'm here to get you
acquainted with his features.

Features?

I asked Buttkiss for
a doctor with a pulse.

I don't need an
overgrown coffee maker.

Coffee?

Would you like it black
or with cream and sugar?

Buttkiss!

Maybe he wanted tea.

Buttkiss!

You promised me a doctor.

You've given me a vending
machine with a stethoscope.

So, you've met MD-63.

I hear he's a very expensive,
highly-specialized device.

I don't need a device, I need
a living, breathing doctor.

Well, forget it.

Look around, Richard.

Lawsuits, malpractice
rates, decreasing

reimbursements-- all the
breathing doctors are quitting.

Just give it a chance,
maybe you'll learn something

from this robot doctor.

And I need another nurse.

One made of flesh would be nice!

Half caf triple grande, three
sugars, soy no-whip mocha.

Me too.

Come on, Dr. Coffee,
we're late for rounds.

Back straight,
stomach out a tiny bit.

Your feet down.

From right in the middle.

Gentlemen, let us begin.

Allow me to introduce the
newest addition to our staff.

This is what corporate now
refers to as a physician.

Wait a minute, you
have got to be kidding.

Is he a--

Yes yes, right
down to his CPU.

Doctor Keefe, your presentation.

Speaking of PU, Mrs.
Flaherty is a morbidly

obese, flatulent, malodorous--

All right, OK,
we get the point.

She's fat and smelly.

Mrs. Flaherty is a
52-year-old woman who is

suffering from abdominal pain.

Let me take a look.

Mrs. Flaherty, does it
hurt when I do this?

Ow!

[farting]

Does it hurt when I do this?

Ow!

Mrs. Flaherty, when was
the last time you ate?

About 10 minutes ago.

Ah!

And what did you eat?

I had a rack of
lamb, side of beef,

four fried chickens,
and some Chinese.

Some Chinese food,
or some Chinese people?

Doctors, it appears
that Mrs. Flaherty has

an old-fashioned stomachache.

[farting]

If we're all in agreement,
let's get her some antacid

and get her out of here.

I disagree.

Oh, the toaster speaks.

This woman has
acute appendicitis.

I've seen her naked.

Trust me, she doesn't
have a cute anything.

She needs surgery now.

OK, I am not going to
stand here and justify myself

to some motorized mannequin.

I am chief of surgery, and
I say she's out of here.

She's out of here.

If you do not
open her up, I will.

[laughing]

You couldn't open a
can of beans, tin man.

Well, actually--

[whirring]

Fine.

Go right ahead.

But who's going to help you?

MD-63 doesn't need any help.

He shifts automatically
between anaesthesiologist,

surgeon, and scrub nurse mode.

[whirring and grinding]

[popping]

One red hot appendix, doctor.

[whirring]

What is he doing now?

Since MD-63 is programmed
to perform the duties of 58

medical sub-specialties,
he can diagnose and treat

any patient all on his own.

[music playing]

Mama.

What the hell
did you do to her?

MD-63: An appendectomy.

I also took the
liberty of performing

liposuction, tummy tuck, face
lift, and breast augmentation.

Thank you, Doctor.

Beginner's luck.

Ma'am we're going to
have to repeat that exam.

Yeah right, buddy.

He was my creation, you know.

I created him.

Just because they've
installed in you

all of the finest, latest
medical technology,

that doesn't make
you a real doctor.

Bonacasa, will you
show it around?

Yes, sir.

Don't worry about him,
he's still trying to figure

out how to use his cell phone.

I hit it, I hit it.

There you are, sweetie.

You need to stay
in the clinic, OK?

I hope he didn't hurt--

you.

Dr. Mills, this is MD-63.

Have you met before?

No, it's just he reminds
me of someone I used to know.

Perhaps it's one
of my prototypes.

I've been told a very striking
resemblance to MD models

48, 57, and 59 through 61.

The nurses are all
talking about you.

They call you Robodoc.

You can call me Lauren.

I run the children's clinic.

You're a pediatrician.

With a sub-specialization
in cross-eyed children.

We hope to cure them one day.

Dr. Von Schmekel in Germany has
done some wonderful research,

but until they find a cure,
I teach them to function

in a straight-eyed world.

Oh!

[groaning]

Ooh, yeah, well, it looks
like you're doing a bang-up job.

Cute kid.

If you'll excuse
us, I'm got to show

RoboDoc around the hospital.

It was nice meeting you.

I hit the ball!

I hit the ball!

Yes you did, Joey.

Yes, you did.

[groaning]

I think I see the problem.

Is RoboCrock qualified to
handle psychiatric patients?

Psychiatry isn't in
his automated menu,

however, I can put
him in that mode

manually with this
psychiatry memory stick.

[whirring]

[beeping]

[cuckoo clock chiming]

Shut up, shut up.

Did they follow you here?

They, who?

They!

The CIA, FBI, KGB,
NRA, AARP, NAACP!

No.

Hey, listen, doc.

You gotta help me.

The space aliens
can read my mind.

They put a chip in my head, doc.

Sir, there's nothing
wrong with having

a chip in your head.

[whirring]

Doc, oh no oh no!

They got you, too.

[screaming]

That certainly did
not produce the intended

therapeutic effect.

Doctor, come quick, we
have a patient crashing.

Let's see how you
handle this one.

[music playing]

He just stopped breathing.

Perhaps he's
angry at his mother.

What?

Tell me, what was
your childhood like?

Oh, he's still in
psychiatrist mode.

He's absolutely useless,
get him out of here.

NURSE: We've lost his pulse.

DR. ROSKIN: Go ahead, call
and get the crash cart.

[whirring]

No time for that.

Clear.

[beeping]

Thanks, Doc.

I feel great.

Did you say something
about my mother?

[music playing]

Hi, I'm the new nurse,
Fonda, Fonda Johnsons.

Guys!

Hello?

Hello?

Not to be
offensive in any way,

but you seem to be so well---

put together, you're
not-- you're not a robot?

Excuse me?

Are you real?

Well, most of me is.

Mr. Buttkiss said I
can't start working

until I get my
employment physical,

so which one of your strong
and handsome young doctors

wants to do it?

Ooh!

I think I just
did it in my pants.

RoboCrock, how about you
performing the employment

exam on Nurse Johnsons?

Certainly, chief.

Right this way, Miss.

If you need any help, my teeth
make a great panty retractor.

Charming.

[groaning]

Now all we have
left is a pelvic exam.

Hop into the stirrups.

Well, it's not like you'll
be the first mechanical device

in there.

But I'm warning you,
I've always found

these exams rather unpleasant.

Don't worry, I will do
everything possible to make

this a pleasurable experience.

[whirring]

Oh.

Oh.

[groaning]

Ah.

Ah, ah.

[groaning sounds]

I think I just did it again.

ROBODOC: Everything
is fine, except

those unusual pelvic spasms.

[music playing]

Ach, no smoking.

[cars crashing]

[cow mooing]

Good morning.

I took the liberty of
drawing blood, reviewing

charts, performing
surgery, and discharging

most of our patients.

I also made coffee for you
in the doctor's lounge.

Wow.

What time did you
get in this morning?

I never left.

I don't need to sleep.

If you did all the work
on our patients at night,

what are we going to do?

We are going to go on rounds.

How about a round of golf?

That's your mulligan.

Let's tee it up, boys.

Golf, what is golf?

Well, you hit a ball
into a cup eighteen times.

What is the point?

I don't know.

ROBODOC: Do you
like whacking balls?

Callaby, we're
on medical rounds,

we don't need a surgeon.

See, Dick, I'm just here
for the entertainment.

Maybe we'll even learn something
from Dr. Scissorhands, huh?

Dr. Bonacasa,
present your patient.

Mr. Malaka is a 45-year-old
white male with a five-day

history of high fever and rash.

All the classic symptoms
of Lyme Disease,

but he's not yet responded
to the appropriate

antibiotic medication.

Well, perhaps we
should switch to a more

broad spectrum coverage.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe he has appendicitis, too?

Has anybody asked the walking
can opener what he thinks?

Hmm?

I need to analyze
a urine sample.

By all means.

Thank you.

[groaning]

[gargling]

[whirring]

I'd hate to be here when
he analyzes a stool sample.

Mr. Malaka has trycinyphlis.

Yeah, what's that?

That's an incredibly
rare disease.

You can only get it by
having sex with pigs.

That's crazy,
absolutely crazy.

I mean this is
mechanical moron must

have blown a circuit board.

Trycinyphlis.

There's only ever been
five confirmed cases.

[squealing]

Six.

Ugh.

How disgusting.

Not even in my country
do we have sex with pigs.

Sheeps?
Yes.

Goats?
Yes.

Pigs?
Never.

[oinking]

See, to you, this may look
like an inflamed gallbladder.

But to me, this is payment on
my country club membership.

Hoo-hoo!

Three-pointer.

Dr. Callaby, there's a
very important call for you.

Well it better
be very important,

this man's aneurysm
is about to burst.

Don't move a muscle,
I'll be right back.

Hello?

Jake!

[popping]

Where have you been?

JAKE: Where have I been?

Where have I been?

I was in court,
defending the rights

of the downtrodden,
hardworking little people.

Damn, this coffee's hot!

I almost burned my tongue!

What are you trying to do to me?

[screaming]

So, you got another
malpractice case for me?

No, that's the problem.

We got this new robotic doctor
thingy here at the hospital.

It never makes a mistake.

Robo-doctor?

Keep on eye on that
tin can, study it.

That's our next meal ticket,
it must have a weakness.

But it knows everything.

You figure out a way
for me to sue that robot,

or my next malpractice
case will be against you.

Jake, you'll be next, Jake?

Jakey?

Jake?

I'm afraid her breasts
were so small we had

to put them on life support.

Do you mean, uh--

Yes, we had to put
her on a breast-pirator.

[machine sounds]

What are her chances?

Not very good,
unless we can find

her a pair of donor breasts.

I know, I know, I lost
my college girlfriend

the same way.

NURSE: Doctor, doctor!

Great news, a
busload of strippers

just went over a cliff.

We have a cooler full
of donor breasts.

That's incredible.

How do you suppose something
like that could have happened?

[rock music playing]

[laughing]

[cheering]

[crashing]

If I keep eating this food,
I'm going to need a doctor.

There's a hair in my
sandwich, this is disgusting.

I think the food
is good, very good.

Really?

In my country, we don't
eat three meals a day.

We only eat on very
special occasions.

Like when?

Like when we have food.

Hey guys, here comes dessert.

Hey, what do you say you and
me get together some time, huh?

Oh I don't think
I'm right for you.

If I remember correctly, you
like the strong, silent type.

[laughing]

I didn't do the mime.

Yeah.

Hey, Kim.

hey, I just want to
let you know, you know,

I think you're an
excellent nurse.

Aw, thanks.

But complimenting me
on my professionalism

is not going to get
you into my pants.

Oh, then what will?

Ugh.

Come on, doc, give it
to me straight, I take it.

You are going to die.

Oh my God.

How long have I got?

According to my
calculations, you

have two months, three
weeks, six days, 18 hours,

47 minutes, and nine seconds.

Eight, seven, six, five.

Is there any hope?

No.

Will there be much pain?

Oh yes, very much so.

Unbearable.

Oh, what should I do, doc?

Write a will, buy a nice suit.

Oh!

[crying]

RoboShock, can I speak
to you for a moment?

Certainly, chief.

Have a nice day.

Oh!

Have a nice day.

Look, I don't mean
to be overly critical,

but we've got to work
on your bedside manner.

What do you mean, chief?

I mean, you can't be
that direct and blunt

with a patient.

Why not?

Well, because, it's just not--

can you add anything here?

Well, I can't program
in compassion, Doctor,

but I know you can
learn from others.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Now there's a beautiful doll,
what's her name, sweetheart?

This is Donna, the
stranger danger doll.

You're not a
friend of mine, guy.

You're a pervert,
get away from me.

Get away!

Charming.

[kids playing]

Well, I didn't know
kids were still playing

Cowboys and Indians anymore.

They're not,
they're playing cow

persons and Native Americans.

Cute.

Know Look, the real reason
I'm here is RoboCrock.

He needs a lesson in compassion.

[meowing]

Evidently.

DR. ROSKIN: Would you
be willing to teach him?

DR. MILLS: Well, someone has to.

[glitchy meowing]

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

Good.

Then I'll leave him-- it--

in your hands this afternoon.

OK.

Let's go.

How can I explain compassion?

ROBODOC: Compassion.

It is a sympathetic
consciousness

of another's distress,
together with the desire

to alleviate it.

DR. MILLS: Very good.

You know, for a moment
there I forgot I was talking

to a walking encyclopedia.

Simply stated, it's the
giving of aid and comfort.

For instance, look over there.

All of God's creatures
need to eat, feeding

them is an act of compassion.

And for that, I believe that
nice woman will be rewarded.

Ugh!

Ah!

How do you know so
much about compassion?

I really don't know.

I guess I'd rather feel
sorry for someone else

rather than feel
sorry for myself.

I lost someone.

Someone really close to me.

He was killed in a car
accident, killed by a--

[sighing]

He was killed by a--

ROBODOC: Drunk driver?

No, cross-eyed driver.

[crashing]

So this is why you
decided to dedicate yourself

to curing cross-eyed kids.

It's the way I've chosen
to care about people.

I have over 500 trillion
gigabytes of memory

full of how to care for people.

I'm an expert in
caring for people.

That may be true, but need
to care about them as well.

I am not human.

How could I care about people?

You don't have to be
human to care about people.

Dolphins care about people,
dogs care about people, cats--

well, the point
is that people are

insecure, frightened,
fearful creatures.

They're not machines.

They need to be reassured that
everything is going to be OK,

even if it isn't.

Everything is going to be OK.

Not convincing.

You know, it wouldn't hurt
if you'd smile or something.

Smile?

Yeah, smile, like this.

[creaking]

It's a start.

You know, as a doctor, you may
be perfect, but as a human,

you've got a long way to go.

[whirring]

You have a deep
laceration on her leg

which has become
secondarily infected.

Huh?

You are infected with
a flesh-eating bacteria,

and will require more
extensive treatment.

Flesh-eating bacteria?

That sounds horrible.

It is not so bad.

All of God's
creatures need to eat.

Yeah?

The bacteria need to
eat somebody's flesh,

and I admire your compassion
in letting them eat yours.

Huh?

Of course, there is a
chance you may lose your leg.

A chance?

Like a 10% chance?

No, like a 99% chance.

But when you wake up,
you'll have a brand new leg.

It is not so bad, having
an artificial leg.

I've got two.

[creaking]

That's incredible.

Will I get one like that?

Not exactly.

My legs cost over
$10 million each.

With your health plan, your new
leg will look more like this.

The best part is the
bacteria will no longer

be able to eat your new leg.

Of course, you'll have to worry
about woodpeckers and termites.

But don't worry,
everything will be OK.

[creaking]

I think we still
have some work to do

in the compassion department.

Yeah.

[music playing]

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

DOCTOR: Dr. Calloby, a Dr.
Gorman on the phone for you.

Uh, yes.

Hello?

Callaby!

Where the hell are
my malpractice cases?

I'm doing the best I can,
but this guy's infallible,

and he's only getting better.

He's only a machine, he
has to have a weakness.

Find it!

[music playing]

You know I'm not perfect,
but I've got a perfect smile.

And though I'm not real to you,
will you please stay a while.

You can't catch your breath
when you look in these eyes.

Can't catch yourself when I--

I make you feel alive.

And I know I can
change the world,

even though I'm so all alone.

And I know I can
change the world,

and you will see I
can change for good.

RoboDoc is a huge
success, I've never

seen such glowing evaluations.

RoboDoc saved my
life, RoboDoc made

my labor and delivery so easy,
I wished I was having his baby.

Not me, the person.

No one cares, Buttkiss.

Delivering babies.

We need him to do
something really big.

If we could get that freaky
waxy face of his splattered

on the cover of every newspaper
in the country, then--

then, Buttkiss-- our stock
would go through the roof.

Excuse me, Sir.

The newest public
service announcement

for the cross-eyed
children's clinic

is ready for your review.

I wanna be a pilot.

I want to be a doctor.

DOLL: Don't touch me!

I'm calling the police!

Please donate generously
to the cross-eyed

children's clinic of
North Mercy Hospital.

There.

The crossed-eyed kids.

Yeah, I know, it's horrible.

No, Buttkiss.

If RoboDoc could cure them,
then I'd be a billionaire.

What am I saying,
I am a billionaire.

I'd be a--

BUTTKISS: Gazillionaire.

Gazillionaire.

Nice work, Buttkiss.

The Cafeteria's got to get
rid of this 10-W40, he's only

supposed to have synthetic.

When you're finished
with him, do you think

you could rotate my tires?

[laughing]

Oh!

Quite a set-up you
have here, yes.

Very impressive.

It's just been amazing
how you've been

able to put RoboDoc together.

It was nothing, really.

Anybody with a master's degree
from MIT, a PhD from Harvard,

and a certificate from the ACS
Automotive Technical Institute

couldn't have done it.

Well, I've been very impressed
with RoboDoc's job performance.

It seems he never
makes a mistake.

He doesn't, his
programming won't allow it.

Really?

Tell me more.

You ever hear the term
garbage in, garbage out?

Any computer system is only
as good as the information

you put into it.

And while I'm changing
his oil and brake fluid,

Kevin here is scanning the
latest medical journals

into his database.

And how does all of this
information get into his head?

It doesn't.

His head is empty.

[banging]

The only thing in his head is
this communications module.

So any information he needs, he
retrieves from this database.

For example, we just
finished scanning

an article on how to surgically
repair cross-eyed kids.

[laughing]

There's no such cure.

Can I see that?

Sure.

I don't think you'll
understand it.

I am a highly experienced
doctor, I assure you--

I don't understand this,
this is written in German.

It's a new procedure
written by Dr. Von

Schmekel from the
University of Dusseldorf.

It hasn't been translated yet,
but that's OK, because RoboDoc

knows 78 human languages,
55 computer languages,

and 15 animal languages.

Impressive.

And right now we're
getting him ready to perform

the new surgery to cure all the
kids in the cross-eyed clinic.

You don't say.

Well, thank you so much for the
tour, it's been enlightening,

and I hope you
seal him up tight.

Wouldn't want RoboDoc to blow
a gasket at the medical staff

dinner tonight, would we?

[knocking]

The medical staff dinner.

Damn, I forgot.

Kevin, run out, rent
Robodoc a tuxedo.

I'll pick up some chrome polish.

We got to make
him shine tonight.

I'm on it.

[music playing]

And she has the most beautiful
hair, it's so silky, so smooth.

Enough already, I've heard
this from you a million times.

Just this once why
don't you tell her.

Nurse Kim!

I don't know what to say to you,
I think you're so beautiful.

[cries]

Thanks.

I've got work to do.

Wait, wait.

I know we'll have
beautiful babies together.

You want to have a baby?

[music playing]

Well, why didn't you say so?

[slapping]

[rustling]

DR. KEEFE: Oh, easy, ow!

I just hit the switch.

NURSE KIM: You sure did, baby.

Oh!

DR. KEEFE: OK.

NURSE KIM: Yeah, oh.

[both moaning]

[monkey yelling]

[dog barking]

[moaning]

DIRECTOR: All right, quiet
on the set, everybody.

Ready on camera three,
have still score two.

Ready, Jake, ready.

And three, two--

Is your baby ugly?

Sue your doctor.

Not feeling springtime fresh?

Sue your doctor.

Have you lost a
testicle, an eyeball,

or some other small but
pricey piece of your body?

Sue your doctor.

Because of some greedy doctor's
negligence, this sweet,

98-year-old woman won't live to
see her great-great-great-great

grandchildren.

[farting]

With my help, she's
going to sue her doctor.

[farting]

I'm Jake Gorman, Attorney
at Law, and I care for you.

[farting]

DIRECTOR: And cut.

Ah, jeez.

Would somebody change
the old bat's diaper?

She's carrying the
grandmother load in there.

Ah!

[crashing]

I just can't get that
taste out of my mouth.

What do they feed these people?

WOMAN: Phone call
for Mr. Gorman.

Hello?

Jakey baby.

Great news, it's Dr.
C. I not only found out

a way to take RoboDoc
down, but also

make us very, very, very rich.

Wait, wait, let me
get this straight.

Blind kids?

Oh, this is fantastic.

Hang on a second,
let me add this up.

Loss of sight in one eye is
worth one million dollars.

Times two eyes per blind
kid, plus $50 million

in punitive damages
against RIP Health Care,

minus 60% for those
stinking blind kids.

That leaves us with
a grand total of--

oh!

[groaning]

[laughing]

Garbage in.

Good, Joey, swing it harder.

[whacking]

Don't you want to play with
the other children, sweetie?

No, I can't get
it to work right.

What, honey, what
won't work right?

This game.

When I try to swing the axe
to chop off their heads,

the screen freezes.

So sorry, sweetie.

Let me give it a try.

Let me take a look at it.

I know a little something
about computers.

OK, that would be
great, thank you.

[whacking]

It's not Robert,
it's just a machine.

[whirring]

[laughing]

[ominous music playing]

[whirring]

Hi, RoboDoc.

Are you going to
the dinner tonight?

Yes, I'll be there.

Well, good, 'cause I'm going
to wear something special,

just for you.

Excuse me.

I don't care if he is a robot.

I'm going to make
him a man tonight.

[growls]

Mmm, fill your pockets,
fill your cheeks.

This is the best free
food you'll see for weeks.

Come on, scoop and move, buddy.

I am wanting you to
meet my fiance Pontangpu.

Damn.

Glad to meet you.

She doesn't speak English.

It was nice to meet you.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Yeah!

Oh no.

[moaning]

[creaking]

[groaning]

The for proctologist's
wife says, I guess we're just

both in love with assholes.

[laughing]

[music playing]

Oh my God.

I'm in dire need
of medical attention.

If you're catching a cold
from being in that outfit,

maybe I can help you.

I don't need a pediatrician.

I'm a grown woman.

I need a real doctor.

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue.

[whirring]

Well, what do you
have to say now?

I'm not feeling so good.

[vomiting]

Oh my God.

How insulting, you bastard.

I see how you are.

You gave me the best pelvic
exam of my life, and then--

and then you just walk
away like it means nothing.

I hope there's a
junkyard in hell.

HARRY BOTTOMS: I am
proud to announce

that the newest member of our--

of our medical staff, MD-63,
also known as RoboDoc,

has performed his duties
flawlessly in the trial period.

So tomorrow, we will turn
his considerable talents

to those most in
need, our children.

[applause]

Tomorrow-- please.

Tomorrow morning,
RoboDoc is scheduled

to perform the most
ambitious surgical feat

in the history of medicine.

He will operate on, and cure,
all of the cross-eyed children.

[applause]

The-- ah!

MD-63, would you care
to share a few words?

[whirring]

[alarms]

Thank you.

[whirring]

[alarms]

All for coming.

Com-ing.

[alarms]

[gasping]

It's all right everybody,
everything's fine.

Just uh, stage fright.

This hunk of
junk had better be

ready to perform delicate
eye surgery tomorrow morning,

or I will be arranging a special
surgical procedure for you.

And it won't be delicate.

Thank you for joining us.

We look forward to seeing
you tomorrow morning.

[whirring]

[depressurizing]

How is he?

He's still touch-and-go.

His synchronization
chip is fried.

I need to find a donor.

A donor?

What is it?

Somebody who lends
something to somebody.

But that's not
important right now.

I need a chip.

You know, from
like a cell phone,

or a pager, or a digital watch.

Here, here, hey take my
beeper, I don't want it anyway.

Thanks.

But I know I'm going
to need more chips.

I need to find a match.

It's his only chance.

DR. ROSKIN: Let's give him
everything we've got, come on.

JASON DOCKERY: OK, thanks.

I'm going back in.

DR. BONACASA: Good luck.

Thanks.

[birds chirping]

[music playing]

Wake up, everyone.

Hey.

You made it.

Look at that, everything
work good, you're all right?

And guess what?

I didn't need any of the
cell phones or pagers.

The matching chip came
from Dr. Mills' watch.

Thank you, Lauren.

You're welcome.

Now let's go straighten
some crossed eyes.

Yes.

All right.

Um, sorry, I didn't realize
you were still on the charger.

Big Jake, the sardine can
is on his way to surgery,

and we are on our
way to being filthy,

disgustingly, stinky,
outrageously rich.

[music playing]

Give me a nice, clean,
sterile surgery here, OK?

You hear the bell,
you start cutting.

[beeping]

What the hell is this?

Cut the optic nerve?

Oh, God.

Oh my g--

I've got to stop him.

I am done.

[applause]

It's dark in here.

Just a minute.

I'm taking the bandage off now.

They're straight, you did it!

[applause]

Are you gonna take
the bandages off?

Everyone back!

Look, he's blind!

[groaning]

Oh, look!

All the children are blind!

They're all blind!

I'm calling a lawyer.

Jake Gorman, Attorney at Law.

You called?

That guy's like
a toilet, always

around when shit goes down.

I'm calling risk management.

I'm calling the police.

But the blindness
is just temporary.

Tell it to the judge.

Marcus, we're going
to have more money

than you know what to do with.

Oh, I know what to do with it.

I'm going to see the world.

Yeah, it's just a shame that
the poor little blind children

won't be able to see the world.

Eh?

Hah, just kidding.

[laughing]

[gavel banging]

Please state your name.

MD-63, but most
people call me RoboDoc.

Does the MD mean that
you're a medical doctor.

No, it stands
for medical device.

You're not just
any medical device.

In fact, you're a
highly advanced robot,

whose database contains
all of mankind's

medical and surgical knowledge.

So when you performed
surgery on these children,

you simply followed
your programming,

and performed the procedure
exactly as specified.

No.

No?

I have no more
questions, your honor.

MD dash 63.

Why do people call you RoboDoc?

Because I perform the
functions of a doctor.

You perform the
functions of a doctor.

What other functions
do you perform?

I do not understand
your question.

For instance, do
you make coffee?

Yes.

- Toast bread?
- Yes.

Open cans?

Yes.

So you're a coffee
maker, toaster,

and can opener, that also
happens to be a doctor,

and an eye surgeon?

Yes.

Where did you go
to medical school?

I did not.

High school?

No.

The fact is that you
perform the work of a doctor,

and you didn't even
graduate from kindergarten?

Is that correct?

You are not qualified to
operate on the eyes of a child.

I wouldn't even let you
touch the eyes of a potato.

State your name.

Dr. William Von Schmekel.

Dr. Von Schemekel,
you developed

the surgical technique
used by the defendant?

Ja, and I heard
it worked perfectly.

Doctor, these
children are blind.

Yeah, but their
eyes are straight.

But does your procedure
usually cause blindness?

How should I know?

I only did the procedure
on rats and mice.

You see this little fellow?

He used to be cross-eyed.

Yes, Doctor we can all see
that his eyes are straight.

But has this rodent been
blinded by your procedure?

How should I know?

I speak German and I speak
English, but I don't speak rat.

Perhaps you should ask him?

[squeaking]

You shut your filthy,
stinking, little lying rat

hole.
[gavel pounding]

- Mr. Gorman!

I mean, sorry.

He is a menace.

When I think of the
tears being shed

by those poor, defenseless,
innocent, pre-pubescent,

beautiful little children.

[crying]

[squeezing cloth]

He forced me into
the supply closet,

and he touched me like no
other battery-operated device

has ever touched me before.

[whistling]

Look what he did to me.

He took out my appendix, and
left this ugly, hideous scar.

[whistle]

[whistle]

[drum sounds]

I didn't do the mime!

Hey, shut up!

[gavel banging]

Quiet!

You're not the one
on trial here, yet.

[boing]

Members of the jury, have
you reached a verdict?

We have, your honor.

We, the jury, find the
defendant MD dash 63, guilty.

And we recommend that
he be disassembled

and recycled for parts.

We further order that RIP
Health Care pay the plaintiffs

$3,577 trillion, and 37 cents.

And how did you
arrive at that figure?

It's all the money
in the world, Judge.

Don't worry, everything
is going to be OK.

[gavel pounding]
- RoboDoc, rise.

MD-61, you are hereby
sentenced to incarceration

at Big Bernie's Auto
Wreckers and Salvage Yard,

until the day of
your demolition,

when you will be crushed down
to the size of a soda can.

And may God have mercy
on your mainframe.

[gavel pounding]

We lost how much?

That's impo--

So many patients, no doctors.

Thank you for coming in to help.

No problem, it's
good to be back.

You, you, you, you--

[flatlining]

Sorry.

I cannot believe they're
going to recycle me.

I'm going to miss you guys.

Well, you could see me
twice a week, if they turn

you into a set of golf clubs.

[laughing]

Come on, guys.

You know, we can't
let them do this.

We can break him out of here.

You know, how big can
Big Bernie be, you know?

I'm not afraid of him.

Listen, Robo--

Doc, I know you and I got
started on the wrong foot,

but it was nothing personal.

It's just that over the years
I've seen so many computers

and machines brought
into the hospital, well,

it's like they
were becoming more

important than the patients.

So I'm the last
one you would ever

think would support the idea
of a robot doctor, but--

wait, wait, wait, wait.

You big-- you big.

But you've changed my mind,
you've opened my eyes,

you've shown a level of
expertise and efficiency

that most doctors
can only dream about.

You've treated your patients
with kindness, with dignity.

You've been an
inspiration to all of us

to become better
doctors, better people.

You've become a friend.

You've got the heart of a man,
you've got the soul of a man,

and you're taking
this like a man.

[popping]

My oil plug.

It must have popped out.

It's time.

[crying]

What's this word?

Blind.

Three blind mice.

See how they run.

You can see?

You can all see?

Let's go save RoboDoc!

Excuse me, we need to get
to the junkyard, fast.

[sirens]

[music playing]

[interposing voices]

[crushing sounds]

Let's get a move on RoboCrock.

The only thing that's
gonna save your oily ass

now is phone call
from the governor.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hold on a second,
let me take this call.

Hello, Big Bernie's Auto Sal--

it's the governor!

Yes sir, Mr. Governor,
Big Bernie, here.

No Sir, you're right on time,
we hadn't even started yet.

Yes, Sir, I'll take
care of it personally.

You bet, Sir,
thanks for calling.

Hey Mike, don't
crush that car yet!

The governor wants
the hood off of it.

[groaning]

Let's get a move on.

[sirens]

[music playing]

Stop!

The kids can see!

They can see!

That is ridiculous,
these kids can't see.

Their optic nerves were cut.

- How did you know what?
- I didn't.

- You did it.
- No I didn't.

You altered the article!

Never!

I did not cut
their optic nerves.

I may be a robot,
but I'm not stupid.

The blindness was temporary
from normal swelling

after the operation.

You're all lying.

This is just a desperate,
last-minute stunt.

These kids can't see--

it will cost me too much money.

Sweet, unfortunate,
blind little boy.

If you can see my face,
what do I look like?

A rat bastard.

[clanging]

Doctor, you're under
arrest for falsifying

a medical journal.

I did not.

Endangering the eyesight
of little children.

I wouldn't.

And product tampering.

Product tampering?

Take him away.

RoboDoc, in light of
this new evidence,

I hereby exonerate
you of any wrongdoing.

You're a free man.

Or robot, whatever
you are, you're free.

[cheering]

Release the prisoner!

[applause]

[music playing]

Robo!
Robo!

Robo!

Robo!

[applause]

Oh, RoboDoc.

I knew you were
innocent all along.

I'm so happy to have you back.

So what do you think now?

[whirring]

[beeping]

[siren]

I think I need to
make an emergency

phone call to the Centers
for Disease Control.

Excuse me.

Your CAT scan looks
perfectly normal,

Mr. Gorman, but we don't
like to take any chances,

so we will be removing
the top of your head.

Just to go in and take a
look around, to be sure.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes.
[groaning]

Fortunately, we do have the
finest brain surgeon in town

to do the operation.

I believe you've
met Doctor Sosumi.

[screaming]

Hai!

[revving chainsaw]

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

[revving chainsaw]

Hai!

[laughing]

Mr. Gorman not going to be
able to sue any more doctors.

He going to have to
find new line of work.

[music playing]

Now say ahh.

[dinging]

[music playing]

[MUSIC - BRIAN KINSEY - CHANGE
THE WORLD]

You know I'm not perfect,
but I've got a perfect smile.

And though I'm not real to you,
will you please stay awhile.

You can't catch your breath
when you look in these eyes.

Can't catch yourself when
I, I make you feel alive.

And I know I can
change the world.

Leave me alone,
I'm so all alone.

And I know I can
change the world.

You will see I can
change for good.

You know I don't know how
to laugh at the right times.

Still trying to understand
why you sit here and cry.

You can't catch your breath
when you're passing me by.

I'm not the one you love,
but I can stay awhile.

And I know I can
change the world.

Leave me alone,
I'm so all alone.

And I know I can
change the world.

You will see I can
change for good.

A brand new start I gave you.

Look at me again.

And you can see that
I have weaknesses.

A brand new start I gave you.

Look at me again.

And you can see that I've
found strength in you.

And I know I can
change the world.

Leave me alone,
I'm so all alone.

And I know I can
change the world.

You will see I can
change for good.

I know I'm not perfect.

But I can change the world.

Never in fear again when
I can change the world.