Original subtitles

- Wait! - Hi. Cup of tea, please.

How come he can push to the front of the queue?

He's a police officer. He's needed on the beat, not queuing for tea.

He's a police community support officer.

What's he in a rush for? Has someone dropped a Double Decker wrapper?

Actually, they have a higher level of custodial power than you'd imagine.

Oh. "They have a higher custodial power than you would imagine."

Look at me. I'm the man on the front of the Pringles tube.

"Oh, hello, my name's Janet Street-Porter!"

What are you doing?

We're not doing impressions?

- Were you not doing a? - OK.

So what crimes is he actually qualified to deal with?

I don't know the specifics.

Anyway, this is inane, like most things you want to talk about.

None of us know what police community support officers are allowed to do.

Why don't you ask Big Dave Bowers? He's a copper.

He's a butcher, Jo.

What's with the uniform, then?

This is gonna be anarchy when this gets out.

No. No, it isn't, because no-one else is wasting their life pondering nonsense.

Oh, it's nonsense, is it? Right. Well, when we're in the pub tonight,

if there's any police about, I shall help myself to beer and crisps,

and if anyone questions me,

I'll smack them in the goof with a pool cue, shall I, Brian?

Fine. Thankfully, I won't be there to see it.

- I'm not coming out this weekend. - What do you mean?

Julie's taking the girls to her mum's.

- I've got the place to myself. - It's Friday night, mate.

- It's the cider quiz. - Sorry.

I've got a weekend of sheer bliss lined up. Gonna have me some Brian time.

Result! Bag of sausage.

Hold on to your tits - he's not coming to the cider quiz.

- Yeah, neither am I. - Oh, my God!

Got the health and beauty conference. I'm launching my new business - the PMT.

Don't tell me. I'll worry.

Don't leave me on my own all weekend!

I don't like downtime. I don't like Brian time!

- Come out! - Oi!

I'll get Bob if you're gonna muck about!

Sir, you've got a class. Miss Lipsey said to come and get you.

- Bugger off, you little grass. - Dan!

Well...! All right, I'm coming.

Oh, my God!

Dan's boss is tiny!

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Jesus!

Hello? Are you all right?

Fuck off.

- Sorry? - You ran me over.

Oh, no, I didn't. You were already down.

- Liar! - Honestly, you were already down.

You did knock him down! I saw it.

What the fuck?!

I'm a witness!

You hit him. You will rot in prison for this,

you lanky, fat weirdo.

Get up, Dad. Jesus!

Oh, villain!

Villain! Smiling, damned villain!

I can't wait to put you in a home!

What a nasty boy.

He must be punished.

Shit, is it your birthday?

Why would I be putting a banner up for my own birthday?

Dementia.

It's your niece's birthday.

She doesn't live here, you ludicrous old goon.

Your sister's here with Lucy.

We're having a birthday party for her and all her little friends tomorrow.

Oh... no!

Not children. Not at the weekend! No, I won't allow it.

They won't disturb you, don't worry.

Your dad and I have got it all organised.

Do you mean the warped suicide Jester in the road?

No. Your dad.

Right. Well, I'll have nothing to do with your jamboree of screaming and piss.

You're not invited.

We want the kids to have a safe party.

I... I could help.

No! No, thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, I'm not offering, but, if I wanted to, I could be of help.

No! Oh, no!

Uncle Dan!

Oh, you horrible little scumbag, I hate you.

It's my birthday tomorrow, we're having a party!

I know. It's gonna be rubbish.

- All right, sis? - Hello, Dan.

- You're rubbish! - Eh, Lucy.

You're rubbish, mate. You can't even drive.

She can't.

Can we sing the poo song?

No, you know I don't like that song.

- Oh. - Oh. Uh-oh!

Yeah, thank you very much, Dan.

That'll do. Lucy, do you want to go and get your pyjamas on?

- I want to stay and play with Uncle Dan. - Get going.

We can play at the party tomorrow, you idiot.

We can't. Mum says you're not invited.

- You know I hate that song. - Hang on a minute.

What does she mean, I'm not invited? I thought Mum was joking.

I wasn't.

I'm not invited? Why not?

Don't make me spell it out, Dan.

You and a roomful of other people's kids,

singing about animals shitting in each other's mouths?

I don't think so.

No, thank you!

Oh, I suppose that lunatic's invited, though, is he?

Dad's doing a little show for the kiddies.

Now, what's happening with you and Naomi?

Why do people keep asking me this? She's gone.

- Oh, Dan. But she's such a lovely girl. - She's an angel.

Oh, reel it in, old woman!

I worry about you, that's all.

I mean, you're a nice enough bloke, but I think you're gonna die alone.

Oh, I'm a nice enough bloke, am I?

Would a nice enough bloke do this?

Daniel! That's Lucy's favourite dolly.

Mummy!

You know, it's nice to be needed.

It's a good feeling.

That little girl trusts me absolutely.

Who needs you, Daniel?

This old prune, for a start.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Personal Makeover Tent.

A one-off grooming solution.

Care for a free consultancy?

Care for a free consultancy?

Anyone?

Hi, can I speak to Naomi, please?

It's a friend.

No, I won't take part in a vetting process.

Yes, I can prove it.

She got a horrible mole like a shrunken child's face

just inside her bikini line. Yeah.

Yes. Happy?

Yeah, I'll leave a message.

It's her dad. I've had a fall!

Ooooh!

Oh, fucking hell.

You can't resist calling, can you?

I was just ringing her to ask if she thought I was trustworthy.

- What's wrong with that? - You could've asked her yourself.

Tomorrow.

What do you mean?

Oh, he doesn't know, does he?

- No! - What don't I know?

Naomi's coming to the party.

Lucy's party?!

They've invited her? I

I don't fucking believe this!

Now, I can see straightaway some basics we can deal with

- before we deal with the overall look. - Well, I'm not sure I even want...

That has completely redefined your cheekbones.

Oh, listen, I...

You've got a little bit of a monobrow going on.

However, if we take a bit of weight out of the central growth,

- it'll help the shape of your face. - I think I should probably...

I've got something from Mexico.

It's a product that'll take the whole section out. Wait a sec.

Holy mother of fuck!

- Thank you so much. - Have a good evening, madam.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you, madam.

That must be nice.

- Beg your pardon, sir? - To be trusted.

All part of the job, sir.

Oh. You're not a real one. We were talking about you earlier.

Sir, could you move along, please? I'm trying to do my job.

Is it like, um, a hobby for you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Here we go, another joker! - I was only asking.

No, I'm not full-time. No, I don't have the same arrest powers, OK?

Is that what you want?! I'm just trying to give something back.

I'm fucking sick of this!

No, no, I think you do great work. I was just wondering.

Wondering what?! If I do this as my social life? Yeah, I do. Happy?

You look good.

- You look like a real policeman. - I fucking am a real policeman!

What do you think that is? Scotch mist? I'll radio the fucking station, shall I?

Get a fucking Black Maria down here. Then we'll see who's part-time, shall we?

Get a fucking dog team down here. Is that what you want?!

Get bitten by a massive fucking dog!

I'm really sorry.

Just fuck off out of here. I'm sick of this shit!

- You all right, Tony? - Leave it!

What are you doing? They're just eyebrows.

I've got my cream here, let me sort it out.

Fucking...

Pub.

What has happened here?

He sleeps!

"We are such stuff as dreams are made on,

"and our little life is rounded with a sleep."

Shall we wake him?

Why ever not... but how?

A gentle shake?

No, no, no. No.

What the fuck is it now?

Morning, Daniel. Time to get up.

Oh! Here's a sight for sore eyes.

Hello, Jo. How was the cider quiz?

We came last. We just bought a shitload.

Lucy, do you remember Auntie Jo?

No. Do you want to come to my party?

No, she doesn't. And, while we're on the subject, who invited Naomi?

Naomi's like family.

I am family! She dumped me.

Yay! Naomi!

Judas!

I... I like your head.

"I like your head?"

I don't know how to speak to them.

It's very nice to see you two, but you'll need to go out soon.

The kiddies will be arriving.

So are you serious? I can't actually stay?

- Correct. - Oh, come on.

Let me do something. Please.

Well...

- We do need the cake collecting. - No way.

- Can I go? - Absolutely not.

Wait.

Please let me get the cake.

I really need this, Daisy.

Go on, then. Go and get your shoes, Lucy.

- Yay! - I'll go and get a booster seat.

So, um, what do you like, Lucy?

I like ponies.

Wicked! I used to have a horse.

What?! Did you?

Really? A horse of your own? Did you ride him?

I tried, but he went mental in the winds.

We had to knacker him for glue.

- Jo! - Sorry! Sorry.

My dad had to kill him

cos he was bad in the head.

No!

Auntie Jo's joking, Lucy. The horse is fine.

I'm not. I'm not joking.

My dad had to hit him twice before he went down.

He bit me in the tit...

- Good. - Er...

My cake!

Look at the size of this. It's ridiculous.

- Aw, it reminds me of Duncan. - Duncan the horse?

- Yeah. - Open the back door.

I'll have to put this on the seat.

There's shitloads of unopened letters in there.

Fucking bin them. This weighs a ton.

Oh, OK.

It's ridiculous.

Act of madness. How many kids is she having to this party?

Uncle Dan, there's Naomi.

What?

Oh!

Oh, this is perfect.

Naomi! Naomi!

Naomi!

Dan.

Did you ring my office yesterday?

No.

Look, a child.

Yes, I can see that. Happy Birthday, Lucy!

Are you coming to my party?

They've let me come down to pick up the cake.

Right... Yes, I am.

Looks like I'm pretty trustworthy, eh?

The actual birthday child.

We've already picked up the cake. It's gone beautifully.

See you at the party!

No, you can't! You can't take it! You can't take it!

No! Oh, God!

Lucy, you just stay there, OK? Lucy. Stay right there, OK?

No! You can't, you can't take it! You can't take Duncan! No!

- Jo, what the fuck? - Dan, they've taken Duncan!

They've taken him to the car pound!

I tried to tell them to stop. I tried to get them...

- Jo, what the fuck? - I couldn't make them stop.

I said, "Stop! Don't do it!" I couldn't make it stop!

Calm down. Calm down!

Breathe. Breathe. Right.

- Why did you let them take it?! - They said the car wasn't insured.

They did a random check on the computer.

They didn't do a check on the computer! I would have had a letter!

- Have you lost my cake? - What are we going to do?

They're going to destroy him!

- No! - It's all right.

Auntie Jo is confusing your cake for a horse called Duncan.

We've got to get him back.

Poor Duncan! The car pound's miles away.

How are we going to get there?

You couldn't do it, could you? You couldn't just let me be for one day.

Mate, this is an emergency.

Caused by you. I never need your help, do I? It's always this way round.

How is any of this my fault? I didn't know I wasn't insured.

You always know! You must always know.

You set up a direct debit and you monitor it.

You get a bank statement and you check it.

You put a note in your diary. You cross-reference.

You get your bank to send you confirmation,

which you put in a drawer. You check that drawer on a monthly basis.

You put your statements in a folder in that drawer. You check your outgoings

and make sure that they are consistent. You never presume

that your direct debit is more important to someone else than it is to you.

You protect your earnings, you check your cover,

you never, ever, ever get caught out!

Don't get upset.

You're right. Pathetic.

You're not pathetic.

Remember at school, we were all getting bullied by Andrew Tate.

No-one would stand up to him, but you had a fight with him, didn't you?

Yeah, but...

Jo, you remember that fight he had with Andrew Tate.

Yeah. I remember you training for that fight. Running up all those steps,

eating raw eggs, punching frozen meat.

And you kept shouting "Adrian!

- "Adrian!" - Get back in the car!

No-one would stand up to him, but you did.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Then he beat the shit out of me, didn't he, Brian?

And then every day for a month,

he came around and he shat on my mum's lawn, do you remember?

Mum had to call the police in the end, and then they made me see a social worker.

They said I caused it all.

Then, of course, eventually Andrew Tate got put into a home.

And his mum had a breakdown. We would see her, do you remember?

Walking around the town with that shopping trolley full of soil,

shouting, "Who likes my cocoa powder? Who wants to see my cocoa powder?!"

It was awful, Brian!

It was awful.

OK. Bad example.

Right... Let's get going, shall we?

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, it's me, sir. The supervising officer, the last word.

The buck.

Right. What is it? £200?

- Here you are. - First things first, sir. ID, please.

You know who I am. You saw me last night.

- I've never seen you before in my life. - Just give him your driving licence, Dan.

Here.

And, er, can you confirm your address?

- Chislehurst Crescent. - Oh, dear.

Looks like someone's forgot to inform us

of their change of address, making this invalid.

You've been back at your mum's for six years.

- It's got my photograph on it! - But not your address.

See, it looks like my authority isn't in doubt to-fucking-day, is it?!

You... you don't wear a lot of make-up. Are you going for the natural look?

I'm not allowed make-up.

It's your birthday. A little makeover wouldn't hurt.

What's a makeover?

What's... I'll get my stuff!

I'm not an unreasonable man.

I'll settle for a car logbook and, um...

...a utility bill.

A utility bill? Why would I have a utility bill on me?

This isn't my house. I'm not a fucking snail.

No ID, no car.

All right. Just show me where it is so I can get my pony cake out of it.

I'm hardly going to let a complete stranger remove a pony cake

- from a car that might not be his, am I? - I really need this, mate.

And I need order and people obeying the law!

If you don't mind me saying, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Unreasonable?

Do you want to fucking see unreasonable?!

Well, it's over. Let's go back and face the music. I've failed.

- I've proved them right again. - It's only a cake, Dan.

Start looking at the big picture. No-one's going to judge you on a cake.

Holy mother of fuck!

I thought it was a one-off! They're all faulty.

We need to get that fucking cake!

Why?

Dan, stop that. Get in the Scenic. You, draw her eyebrows back.

Brian?

Get in the Scenic.

I don't understand. Why do you want your car in the pound?

Where's Uncle Dan?

Because, unlike Dan,

I have the requisite household bill.

I always carry one...

...just in case.

I don't get it.

So, all we need, while I go and deal with the formalities of getting my car,

is someone on the inside to recover the cake from Dan's car.

Behold...

...the Trojan Horse.

Where the hell is he?

There's loads of cars in here. He must be lost.

There he is! He's got my cake.

Seize him, Tyson!

Oh! Oh, God!

- Duncan! - No!

Argh!

- Oh, God! - Oh, fuck! Oh, no!

Argh!

The cake! The pony!

Brian!

Argh! Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Oh, the head!

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