Original subtitles

- Hello! - Dan. Hello... again.

- Sorry to interrupt. - Ssh! My sister's on nights.

Sorry. Just working through the old list, as you know.

Dan, I have asked you

- not to keep coming round... - If I may.

When we split up, you cited several reasons, one of which was

- we didn't have much fun any more. - Well...

- we didn't in the end, did we? - What about the helicopter penis dance?

- What? - The helicopter penis dance.

I did it one night when we came back from the pub,

and you said it was, I think I'm quoting here, "hilarious"!

Things like that can't sustain a relationship, Dan.

Was it funny?

Have you been reading that self-help book again?

Was the helicopter penis dance funny, and, as a result, did we have fun?

Well... on that isolated occasion,

there was an element of fun.

Thank you! I will address other issues as and when.

Slip, slide. Goodbye.

Oh...

Sorry, one more thing.

Please try and remember all the compliments I've given you

and when I took that box of veg over to your mum

because she had that bad eye thing.

Ripped By mstoll

Jump, Maurice!

Jump, Maurice, you pussy!

Jump, Maurice!

- Sir, Maurice won't jump. - What do you want me to do about it?

Well, let's see... we've spent 45 minutes jumping off a table

whilst you scribble in a pad. Maybe you should teach!

Oh, maybe you should take your little girl mask off, Rose West.

- Jump, Maurice! - Dennis, calm down.

Honestly, why are you so angry?

I'm not!

- He kills bees in his bedroom, sir. - No, I don't!

Breathe. Breathe.

Right, Maurice, jump.

I can't do it, sir. I'm scared.

Mate, this is a bog-standard trust exercise.

I've been doing this shit for years. You're safe as houses. Jump.

I can't, sir.

Maurice, we need to try and get the space captain's missus back.

What if she doesn't want to come back, sir?

- What the fuck are you talking about? - Perhaps she changed her mind.

Perhaps she's realised the space captain is an idiot.

She hasn't. She loves him.

The space captain's been really kind to her.

He's given her loads of compliments and...

he took that box of veg round to her mum when she had that leaky eye thing, so...

Maurice, jump.

But, sir, I don't like heights.

I don't imagine the space captain's missus likes getting banged by an alien, Maurice.

You're safe.

I promise.

He'll be fine. Just... walk him round for a bit.

- Mr Davis. - Ah, Miss Lipsey.

- What's wrong with Maurice? - Nothing. He's become a man.

- I want my mum! - He's calling for his mum.

Good.

Man mum.

Right.

I came to remind you about the heads of department meeting tonight.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I can't come.

- Dan! - Come on, Emma!

My life's in tatters, you know that.

I started crying yesterday. Do you want to know what I was doing?

I was watching Time Team.

Yeah! You don't want this level of sadness in a meeting.

This is the last one.

You're a head of department. You've got to attend meetings.

I will. I promise.

Nice arse.

What?

Nothing.

What did you say, Dan?

That was embarrassing.

Oi! Jog on, four eyes!

Ah, hello, Shakira. I'm fascinated. What's in the special?

Egg.

- Just egg? - Yeah.

Can that be a special, just the word "egg"?

- I'll get Bob if you're gonna muck about! - Just a cup of tea, please.

Shakira, what a delight!

"Egg Circus"? Yes, please.

- All right, super tache? - Very much so.

Brussels, here I come.

"Oh, have a great time, Brian.

"Enjoy the tour you booked of the EU headquarters."

Hey! When did I take us to Laser Quest that time for Naomi's birthday?

Why?

I'm making a list of all the good times.

Dan, you can't solve a relationship problem by listing the past.

- Why not? - I don't know where to start.

I'm not the one to solve this. You need to talk to a woman.

- What up? - But not that woman.

- Urgh! - Whoo! I'm shagged.

This thong is going in the outside bin

- when I get home. - What is this nonsense?

Sweaty salsa. I'm training to get my instructor's diploma.

Who's that ratified by? The University of Scambridge?

Anyway, it's wicked fun. You should come, Dan, now you're single.

Loads of women, no blokes. It's only Raoul, the teacher.

I think he might be gay.

Number one, I'm not single.

Number two, I've met Raoul - of course he's fucking gay!

Number three, salsa's for middle-aged losers.

- You're 40 and live with your parents. - And you've got a tiny little head

looks like David Seaman's, all shrunken and vile.

Dan, please come. Sign up for one class, then I get a free massive plastic flower

- for my hair! - No.

I think Dan has more basic needs to address, Jo.

Yes, like...

what am I going to cook Naomi for our get-back-together meal tomorrow?

She hasn't even agreed to come yet. This meal is all in Dan's head.

Bollocks! I've done a deal with Big Dave Bowers for the meat.

It's gonna be awesome, mate.

That, coupled with my programme of nostalgia...

Christ! Hasn't it occurred to you just to try and change?

- Change what? - You know...

little things. Get your car seat fixed.

All right. I'll get it welded up at Mad Nobby's tomorrow.

There you go, OK. Why is it your instinct's to have your car fixed

by a man called Mad Nobby?

- Mad Nobby's awesome. - Thank you.

- He does live in Torford, though, Dan. - Which is 15 miles away.

Go to a local garage.

No. Nobby's the cheapest! Besides, I've got a plan.

You follow me to Nobby's tomorrow, we drop the car off, we go back into town,

I pick up some meat, you drive me back to Nobby's,

I drive my car back home, I cook us a meal,

I put on some soft music, Naomi comes round,

mmm, she likes the mince. Next thing she knows, she's married to me.

We try and have children, we can't, all my sperm are dead,

but it doesn't matter, too late, she's trapped.

Dan, four o'clock tomorrow, I'm going to be on the Eurostar with my wife.

I'm not missing out on a mini-break to go on a meat run.

Hurry up. I need the plate.

- Daniel! - Don't start.

I've been cleaning out the garage.

Well done. I'll nominate you for a Pride of Britain award.

Oh, just doing my bit.

Your mum and Mrs Wigmore are doing a deep clean of the house,

so I tackled the garage

and guess what I found.

- Oh, no! - Remember this?

- It's wonderful! - Mimples!

- Come and have a quick knock about. - No, because unlike you,

I don't have fond memories of the old days,

and I have no desire to have a swingball smashed into my nuts on purpose.

Not on purpose.

- Always on purpose. - Mimples!

- Always on purpose. Goodbye. - Mimples!

Daniel... please?

Look...

what are you up to?

God, you're so suspicious!

See?

Just like the old days.

I told you. I'm not gonna play if you're gonna be stupid!

- Daniel, your service. - Mimples! Mimples!

Dad, I can't find Mimples.

- Urgh! - Daniel...

That's not the swingball!

- But I... - Mr Davis, have you seen Mimples?

Oh, no... wait.

Argh! He killed Mimples!

No! He threw it at me.

- Agh! Mimples! - Daniel, I was throwing Mr Mimples

for you to catch, not to smash into a wall and kill.

- What's going on? - Dad, he killed Mimples!

Oh, no... Mr Stephens.

You sick fuck!

- Wait. Because... No! - That's it, Dad, kill him!

- Kill him like he killed Mr Mimples! - Ya murderer!

No, please!

Please! No, I didn't mean to!

I didn't mean to!

I'm sorry, I cannae do it!

Hang on. What's going on?

I'm sorry, Daniel. It was your dad's idea.

Oh, Daniel, you sad little girl!

He's wet himself.

Daniel, Mimples was already dead!

He starved to death. I forgot to feed him.

This is sick. You're all sick!

What's all this noise around here?

Mrs Wigmore.

- What have you done? - Oh...

Argh!

Daniel, you monster.

- Um... - Phone an ambulance!

Well, the paramedics think she'll be fine,

but they're keeping her in for a couple of days.

What were you thinking, putting a space hopper on the path?

Right, because none of that was Dad's fault, was it, you mental old crone?

Your dad never touched the space hopper!

And why are you wearing those awful jogging bottoms again?

Mainly because my trousers are covered in my piss.

Are they? Well, you'd better go and get them so I can wash them.

I don't want you visiting Mrs Wigmore tomorrow in mucky trousers.

I'm not going to visit Mrs Wigmore.

She's your cleaner. She'll want to see your little walnut face.

- I can't. I'm busy. - I've got a relationship to save!

What are you doing? Nibbling some shortbread, stroking a plant?

Oh!

All right, I'll go and visit the cleaner in hospital.

Good boy. And make sure you take a present too.

Christ!

Most people would spend the morning of a holiday packing.

Brian, we're on a wicked little road trip. It's exciting.

What the hell is that?

It's Nobby's version of a receipt.

Jesus, I thought Mad Nobby was just an affectionate nickname.

Should you have left your car with him? He's obviously genuinely unstable.

Nobby's awesome. He knows Tinker from Lovejoy.

Have you put any thought into what you're buying Mrs Wigmore?

Have I put any thought into it?!

What should I take her, a cooked lobster?

My uncle was killed by a lobster.

- Oh, yeah? Was he allergic? - No.

Oh, there is something I need to do before hospital, actually.

It's permanent marker. I've tried to get it off,

but I think you can see I've just made it red.

I don't want to know why you have a tick on your head,

I just want you to stop coming round and telling me odd things.

I mean, what do you want me to say?

That is up to you.

OK...

I'm pleased you're having your car seat mended

and that you're visiting your mum's cleaner in hospital.

Thank you. Would you like to come for a meal tonight?

- Dan, we've split up. - I know, we're on a break.

We've split up. But I will come round later to pick up my stuff.

Lovely. I will have a home-cooked meal waiting for you.

No, I'm coming to get my things. I'll be round at five.

A bit early for a meal.

Dan...! Look, I can see you are trying.

I'm addressing everything you said.

"All you ever do is go down the caff with your silly friends," you said.

Well, not any more! I'm really getting out there!

Visiting a cleaner and mending a car seat

- are not "really getting out there". - That's not all I'm doing!

- What else are you doing, then? - Activities.

Fascinating activities. I'll tell you about them at the meal tonight.

I'm coming to collect my possessions, because we've split up!

Yes, and while you're there, we'll have a lovely meal

and I'll tell you about all the interesting things

I'm doing in my spare time. Slip slide!

One more drop-off, mate.

- What do you think? - Oh, my God! You look wicked.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- They feel a bit tight. - They're supposed to be.

Don't worry about that. Just stick a Pepsi Max bottle down there.

Shit, he's going mental. Let's go.

Shall I tell Raoul we're coming back next week for the salsa class?

I'm not actually going to the class, am I, you twat?

I just want this to fool Naomi into thinking I'm doing stuff. Grab my clothes.

I'm gonna go next door to get Mrs Wigmore a present.

Dan! Dan! Get in the bloody car!

Nearly there. Wigmore, butcher's, Mad Nobby's.

We're on schedule, Brian. I'll have a meal ready by five easy.

I've got tickets for the Eurostar at four!

So stop keeping me talking, then! Tick-tock!

- Mrs Wigmore. - Daniel...

how lovely of you to visit. There was no need. I'll be home tomorrow.

I've brought you a present. Sorry about the space hopper.

Right, get well. We'd better be off.

- Come on, Jo. - Vegetables?

No-one bring vegetable as a present, son.

- It's weird! - What's that tick on your head?

It's a welding receipt. And everyone likes a box of vegetables.

Right?

It's the thought that counts.

You look like prostitutes, one gay and one straight.

- What?! - Oh, thanks. Just salsa.

My grandson bought me an audio book. That's a proper present.

Can you drop it? She likes her vegetables.

Let's see some of your salsa.

We'd love to, but I'm afraid we've got things to do.

We're in a bit of a rush. So... enjoy your present.

- Get well, everyone. - Show us a move!

We haven't got time to do a fucking salsa dance, guys!

What's all this fuss?

Young Daniel's brought me some vegetables and they're trying

to bully them into doing a salsa dance for us.

- Oh, that would be lovely! - Is anyone listening? It's not happening!

Aw! Are you in too much of a hurry to do a little dance for our poorly friend?

- Yes, I've got to go. - Where? What's so urgent?

I've got to... cook some mince later.

I see.

- No, the thing... - How's the pain today, Joan?

- Awful. - I'm not surprised.

We've had to remove the best part of your bowel.

Maybe she should've eaten some fucking vegetables, then!

We haven't got any music.

That's not the fucking salsa.

Where the hell have you been?

In the company of some very selfish old people.

Look at the bloody time!

- Sorry. We'll go straight to Nobby's now. - Thank you.

After we pop into Big Dave Bowers' to get some mince.

Jesus!

Great.

Goodbye!

Let me just check it's ready.

It doesn't matter if it's ready or not, I'm going to the Eurostar.

Come on, mate. Ten minutes!

Why do we do anything for him?

He's going through a really hard time at the moment, Brian.

When have you ever known him not to be going through a hard time?

- Once he gets Naomi back... - He's not getting her back, is he?

Look at what he's planning on cooking her!

Mince is nice.

Not on its own!

"Mmm, make yourself comfortable

"while I go and make you a massive plate of unaccompanied cooked mince."

Stop it, you're making me hungry!

- Nightmare. I haven't got any money. - Oh, for God's sake!

You've seen these salsa trousers, Brian!

I've barely got room for a cock and balls let alone a wallet.

I've only got traveller's cheques, so...

Give me one of those! Come on, tick-tock.

Dan, I know this guy's called Mad Nobby, but he's hardly going

to accept a traveller's cheque for a minor welding job.

Well, at least let me try!

- How much is it? - £12.

£12?! Christ, how does he make a living?!

- I told you, he's cheap. - Well, they're in euros!

Please, Brian. Nobby is already wound up.

Right, we'll have to give him a 15 euro traveller's cheque.

Well... you can tell him that he's making a tidy little profit there.

Brian, you're quite cross now, aren't you?

No.

- You look cross. - I'm not cross, Jo!

You've got that vein in your forehead - it comes out, it's all like wonky.

He won't take a traveller's cheque.

Ask Mad Nobby...

if he'd mind dreadfully you taking the car on trust.

You could pop back tomorrow with your £12!

I'll give that a go.

Brian...

Don't talk!

He went a bit weird,

but he says I can have the car and he'll take the money a different way.

Right. Jo...

would you mind getting out of the car, please?

Dan...

...would you mind taking your two bags of mince?

Brian!

Get me one of those massive Toblerones!

Do you think Brian's cross?

Well...

Nobby appears to have deducted his costs.

I'm sorry I'm late. I've had a few issues.

Nice outfit.

How much mince do you want?

I think I can really get into salsa, you know. We should go some time.

Big Dave Bowers has given me far too much mince here. I can feed the whole town.

Dan.

I don't even like mince.

Right.

See you.

Look after yourself.

Wait.

Um...

...remember this?

Whoa! Helicopter.

Whoa! Helicopter!

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