Original subtitles

I mean, it would be amazing, wouldn't it? If it was possible.

I mean, just...

I'm talking five feet off the ground, you know, just...

Oi, are you listening to me, Naomi? This is serious.

This idea could change lives.

Please, just let me wake up normally for once.

Oh, she hasn't been listening to a word, has she?

- Selfish girl. - I have.

What have I been saying, then?

You've been wondering about whether a man will ever be able

- to fart himself into the air. - Thank you.

I mean, obviously, it's not that simple, we have to modify the bowel, but...

Yes... I'm talking about a human hovercraft.

I think it is possible.

Yeah!

I got some lift from that, that's just from one apple.

Still no bulb.

Oh, my God!

I could guff aid to Africa.

Oh, dear...

look who's here.

A song, of course.

Dan!

Oh, good. Well, this is a first.

I've lost my trousers.

Who loses the trousers they were actually wearing?

How's it even possible?

I'm actually going to work in a shirt, tie and fucking jogging bottoms.

I look like that lad Toby from the supermarket!

Dan.

Oh, here we go. Tell me how it's weird I've only got one pair.

I'm sorry I'm not a trouser tycoon with a yacht made out of trousers.

Dan, my cab's here.

- At some point today, get a new bulb. - Yes, do you listen to me?

I've told you, I've ordered a special one on the internet -

an environmentally friendly one.

Be patient, it's coming from Korea.

Dan, just buy one from a shop.

Oh...

Oh, well, I am sorry I don't hate the planet as much as you clearly do.

I'll chuck our fridge in a canal, shall I?

Shall we get a couple of golf clubs and go over to the Galápagos

and fuck a few puffins up?

Oh, my...

You're never going to move out of this flat, are you?

What's wrong with this flat?

It's attached to your parents' house.

And?

And your mum lets herself in and washes your underpants.

You're a grown man.

Do you want me to wear mucky pants?

Filling... You're just filling time.

Well, not with me, you're not.

I'm leaving.

Not leaving leaving?

It's not normal.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Wait, I'll... I'll get a mortgage, and we can both leave!

I can get a bulb today, but I... I can get trousers.

I'll get... I'll get trousers.

Ripped By mstoll

It's OK, I am normal.

I am normal.

You!

Oh!

Oh!

Argh...!

You absolute dick!

Oh, that's nice!

To his own father?!

You've broken my bloody car seat. You have got to stop attacking me.

They're not attacks,

they are expressions of love for his little boy.

Well, take me fishing.

Teach me how to smoke a pipe.

Don't attack me dressed as a bear.

I've had a bad morning.

Has he had a little row?

Well, yes.

It's Naomi.

Does he need a hug from the bear?

- Come and have a hug from the bear. - No!

Get... off!

Get off!

Argh!

This is not normal.

This is not... normal.

Oi.

Oi!

I was just coming to see you.

I can't talk now, Dan, I'm on the wrong heels.

- Where are you going? - I've got a new job.

Oh, fuck off!

I have, actually.

I'm doing a business relaunch. It's my new business.

I help people relaunch their business.

Get in.

- No, I'm going to work. - Please get in.

I need to talk to you.

I'm not dressed for advice!

Are you upset?

Well done, Taggart

It's Naomi.

- Who? - My girlfriend.

Oh, what's her name, that girl?

- Naomi. - No, the one you were seeing.

Bloody hell, Jo, you must remember her. I've been seeing her for six years.

Oh, yeah.

The "baldy" one!

What? She's not bald.

She looked pretty bald to me, Daniel. Sorry.

She's not bald, Jo.

- She's left me. - Oh, well. Get another?

That simple, yeah?

Or darts.

You see, why did I come to you for emotional advice?

I may as well have held a meowing cat up to my balls.

Oh, I see. Looks like we're going to have to sing this one out.

I don't think it'll help this time.

- Oi! - Can I get the five-egg omelette?

Wait!

We could sing Chiquitita.

I'm not Chiquitita sad.

Good.

Cos you'll meet someone else, Dan. There's someone for everyone.

Look at me.

You've been single since college.

Have I?

Yeah.

- I'm late for my new job. - Hang on, I'll give you a lift.

I've got to see my accountant anyway, I'm getting a mortgage.

- Who's giving you a mortgage? - Who's given you a fucking job?

Erm... Why are you getting out?

- This is where my new job is. - Eh?

And here's my new boss now.

- Brian? - God.

- My new boss. - Oh, I see.

I'm not really your boss.

- I knew you wouldn't have a real job. - I have. Tell him, Brian.

I can't cope with you both of you, not this early.

- I've had some amazing ideas. - What for?

- The relaunch. - I need to speak to you. I'm really sad.

- Hang on, relaunch? - Brian,

you're the only one qualified to help me,

you're the only one who passed his degree.

- What? - That bald girl dumped him.

Please, don't start saying weird stuff. OK, I need to go in.

I'm serious. I need to talk to you.

Last time you said that,

you asked me which one of the Muppets my wife's vagina most looked like.

I know. And you said Gonzo.

- All purple, all messy thick tufts... - I did not.

- Gonzo's blue. - Please.

- Is he blue? - Dan!

Mate, it's an emergency - your mate needs you.

Brian, you're not going to regret this.

The rebrand starts right now. I think I could treble your clients.

We'll talk about this when she's doing your relaunch.

She's not doing a relaunch!

- I am! - You're not!

You're tidying. I said I would pay you to do some tidying.

It's kind of a relaunch, though.

- Erm... - Hello?

Naomi's left me. I need your help here.

- What's this? - My accounts. I need a mortgage today.

- A mortgage, why? - Can I have it by the end of the day?

- Brian, we need to talk colours. - Colours?

I could sign for it in the pub later, because if I don't get it today...

- Red or green... - Shut up!

You, get in, get the vacuum out of the cupboard.

You, give me that. I'll look at it later.

Well, thanks for the compassion, Chemical Ali

Right, you've met Barbara.

Oh, yeah.

I think Barbara and I are on the same page...

Well, the... Hoover's in the cupboard.

If you need anything else, Barbara's got...

some petty cash.

I'll... be in my office.

Right, Barbara...

Let's tear this place a new arsehole.

Ah, Mr Davis, you've arrived.

Emma...

you look nice.

You don't. Are they having a sale on at Sports Direct?

Yes, well...

There's no easy way of me saying this. I've...

I've lost my trousers, and, as you'll appreciate,

getting a replacement is a little difficult

- when you're of this height. - Get some new trousers, Dan.

Right, so... work experience visits.

Oh, God. No, I can't do any.

Why not?

Big drug problem.

You're doing one. You can choose who.

Peter Bell,

- at the pre-packed sandwich factory. - No, I'm allergic to wheat.

Martha Page at Laser Quest.

- I've been barred. - Jason Morrison at the tailor's.

I hate him.

Olivia Williams at the...

Ah, for fu... Hang on a minute. Jason Morrison?

- Ginger boy, bit of a stoop. - This...

Got a mole on his face like a Rice Krispie.

Not who is he, where is he?

Harringey's, tailor in town.

The tailor's...

Yes, I'll do him, that boy. Can I do him at lunchtime for you?

Great, I'll drop the details off.

- Great. - How's... Naomi?

She's gone.

Oh, Mr Davis...

what are we going to do with you?

You could take me in this cupboard,

and we could have a go on each other like coked-up gay teenagers.

- Yes, it's strange she left you. - Big shock.

- Hmm. - Big shock.

Right, coffee time, I would say.

I would say it was go and teach your class time.

I know. I know that.

- Are you sure about this? - Just go.

Quiet!

Sir, why are you wearing jogging bottoms?

Right, that's better.

Right, we're not doing space mission today.

And while we're on the subject, stop painting Maurice's face green,

- it's bullying. - I don't mind, sir.

Shut up, you dweeb. Right.

Quiet reading for you today. Sir's got admin.

All right, get into your space shuttles.

- Yes! - I love space mission!

- All right, where were we? - You were about to make up

a pointless lesson off the top of your head, as usual.

Shut up, Karen!

Always ruin it!

We were on the mysterious planet about to butcher some alien scum!

All right, try and stay calm today, all right, Dennis?

What planet were we on?

Toddcarty!

We were on Toddcarty, yes.

That is a very dangerous planet.

Right, we'd better take off.

Oh, so we no longer need fuel from the mine?

What mine?

The lizard mine!

Oh, Christ!

All right, we'll go to the fucking lizard mine.

Don't blame me if you all get eaten.

Yes...

Toddcarty.

On the face!

Rarrrgh!

- What is it, sir? - Oh!

It's an invisibat.

A what?

They're the bats that guard the lizard mine.

It's it like a bat that's invisible?

That's right, Bergerac.

And it's bitten me...

...on the face!

Sir, can we save you?

Right...

You'll have to boil my blood, guys...

- Oh, my God. - ...with a laser...

...up my nose!

For God's sake.

I'll do it, sir.

Yes... you do it, Dennis.

I trust you.

Ah!

What on earth is going on in here?

Where is Mr Davis?

It's all right, Miss Lipsey, I'm... I'm here.

He's been bitten by an invisibat, miss.

Has he?

I'm rather afraid I have.

Yes, and against all odds,

only a laser fired up his nose can save him, miss.

Well, they do say that's how you neutralise invisibats' venom.

Thank you.

If you recover, Mr Davis,

here are the details of your work experience visit.

Great.

Oh!

Ta-da!

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, boy, welcome to the relaunch.

Why have you written that on my wall?

It's a statement.

I told you to Hoover.

Well, then you should have hired a cleaner, cos I am an events manager.

This is insane. You're insane.

It tells people the moment they walk in the door, "I'm a lawyer,

"I'm a lawyer for the tough urban streets."

It tells people, "No matter what you've done,

"I'm going to get you off."

I'm not a lawyer!

- You are. - I'm not!

I'm a financial adviser and...

and you are fucking mental!

- I'm the future. - I want that taken off.

You just have to get used to it -

it's going to turn the whole business around.

- Oh... - Oh, no, Mr Po...

Oh, God!

Terribly sorry, Mr Powell, we've had vandals.

Please, why don't you just come through to my office,

and I'll be right with you?

That's... Oh, teenagers!

It's so lovely to have a member of the teaching profession in my humble shop.

You know, I've often dreamed of being an educator myself.

Really?

Sadly, I've the reading age of a three-year-old child.

Oh.

I expect you want to know how the lad's settling in.

Yeah?

He's a wonderful boy, Mr Davis.

I mean, he's useless work-wise.

He's thick and he's got what my old mum would call spastic hands.

- Do you make trousers? - Oh, we do it all.

Your trousers, your shirts, your suits, your cummerbunds.

And... Well, how much would trousers be?

For yourself?

Oh, the cost of the material alone, sir.

Jason, go and get me a tape measure.

It's the long yellow thing with the marks on it.

Oh, he's a good boy.

He's normal.

He's not into your rubber shorts, your plastic fist,

your glory holes, you know what I mean.

Sort of.

Not really.

The world is full of perverts...

...and I really hate 'em.

We'll have you sorted in no time, Mr Davis.

You said I was about as much use as a crow.

A trained crow.

A brilliant, trained crow.

Please don't cry.

What are you doing here?

I've just been to your office to sort this mortgage nonsense out.

- Pubs aren't for mortgages! - Brian sacked me.

- I did not. - Really?

Thank you so much, Brian, you're not going to regret this!

- I'm going to go to the bar. - Please, Jo, Jo, wait. Oh, God.

You should never have given that a job. Now, my mortgage.

- I need to tell her. - Mate?

I need to sort this. I'm on the verge of losing everything here.

Then let me spell this out for you in clear terms.

Just tell me what I've got to do.

You need to not spend one penny,

not one single penny for... 12 years.

After which time, you might,

depending on fluctuations in the market, be able to afford a house.

But...

But I need to start looking today, it's...

...it's on my plan.

I'll start looking at lenders tomorrow.

I got these.

Didn't even have to pay for them. A man did.

Quack!

Let's go.

Let's get these slammers down.

- Cheers, cheers. - Slammers?

I've got to be up at five with the kids. I'm not doing getting drunk.

New York City!

Argh!

Oh, God.

I know, I know... Ssh, I know, but listen...

Emma, I don't have any lessons. All morning, I don't have any lessons.

I'll be there by ten, I swear it.

I swear it. Thank you.

Oh.

Sir...

- Not now, Paul, I'm hung over. - It's Jason.

Yes!

Mr Harringey, any joy?

Mr Davis, three pairs already!

Just pop through to the dressing room.

- Sir, sir... - What?

I've been here all night,

- shall we call my mum? - Well, she hasn't phoned us, son.

Hasn't she?

Go get the man his trousers, son! Come on, chop chop.

We haven't got all day!

What the f-f-f-fuck?!

Is everything all right, Mr Davis?

It's fine. Don't come in.

Don't... don't come in.

- Oh, my good God. - No, seriously.

I should have known. A nonce.

What? Oh, no, they're my mum's, they're my mum's.

I bet they're your mum's, you stinking tranny!

Lock the shop, Jason.

Oof!

Oof!

Oh!

Ah!

Ooh!

You filthy nancy boy!

- I've... - Morning, Dan.

I've got trousers.

They're just at the shop, and Brian says the mortgage'll be fine.

He thinks it'll be fine.

I just need to get hold of a light bulb.

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