Original subtitles

Kids, your aunt Robin had only been dated Don a while.

When one evening, out of nowhere...

Wanna move in?

It's kind of soon.

Sure, I would consider moving in here.

Just let me think about it.

I meant, do you want to move in on the couch so I can sit down?

That's what I meant, too.

Like I said, just let me think about it.

I'm okay with that.

Now that you mentioned it,

wanna move in?

What did you say?

I'm considering it.

You're considering it?!

You barely know him.

Plus, the guy's a loser with a dead-end job.

We have the same job, Barney.

And we couldn't be prouder of you.

- Well, this does seem kind of fast. - Maybe you're right.

- I think you should. - You do?

I see how happy you are, and as much as I love you as a roommate,

I want you to do what's right for you.

Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing?

It's really annoying.

I have a system.

I put the empty carton in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.

Why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

As your ex, before you jump into anything,

I need to meet him.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met him yet.

Totally.

It's almost like someone orchestrated it that way on purpose.

Fine. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior.

I promise.

I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist.

I swear, she is so flexible,

at one point, she was on top of me and underneath me.

Up top and down low!

- Who needs? - I'm good.

And that would be Barney.

He means well.

Actually, I'm not sure that's true.

He's awesome.

But I feel bad for any woman with the kind of low self-esteem

who would actually date a guy like that.

That's when I realized Robin never told Don she had dated Barney.

I like you, Don.

We both love a good Scotch, we both enjoy my compelling stories...

And we both dated Robin.

Now he knew.

You still hang out with your ex?

- I'm a little uncomfortable with that. - Don't be.

It's like we never dated.

Long story short, this exchange student's arms gave out,

and we both fell ass over sex swing.

I have not been able to find a girl who can do that position since Robin.

How was your weekend away, or any other topic?

Awful.

Twin beds?!

We can't sleep in separate beds.

We should go complain.

Yeah.

I'm gonna march down there and demand another room.

I'll go with you in...

just a sec.

Housekeeping!

Could you come back later? We're taking a little catnap.

It's time to check out.

- We slept for 18 hours. - We missed four pre-paid meals.

I lost 11 pounds.

You think it's weird Robin is still friends with him?

It's weird we're all still friends with Barney.

I don't know how I feel about her hanging out with one of her exes.

That's when I realized Robin had failed to tell Don

about another one of her exes.

Me.

No, hanging out with one ex is fine.

Even two, I'd give a pass.

Two might be even better than one.

For some reason.

If you were dating someone and he hung out with one of his exes...

I'm sorry.

- He? - Yes. He was friends with his ex...

Wait. Hold on.

You think I'm gay?

Why would you assume that?

Your calligraphy teacher called.

- And? - Your ink is in.

Just want to make sure Project Runway is recording.

Did the Jets get new costumes?

Well, I guess we won't be having cr�me br�l�e tonight.

My browning torch is broken.

When I heard your roommate was a guy, I was a little jealous,

but now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.

Ted's not...

We've still got homemade ladyfingers and piping hot Darjeeling.

- Ted's not what? - Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

He's following Cher on tour.

Don't get me wrong. Cher puts on a hell of a show,

but I am not gay.

Be honest.

Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes?

Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non-issue.

Ted and Robin?!

Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?

An appletini for the gentleman.

You dated Ted, too?

Of the four you consider your friends, you've slept with 50% of them!

- Don, they're just my friends. - But they're also your exes.

And you live with one of 'em.

I'm sorry. I gotta think about all this.

She's a thousand degrees!

It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.

His toenails are like daggers.

I'd love a sandwich.

But no eating in bed.

Stupid rule.

We have ants one time...

Great, and now he's falling asleep.

Cue the river of drool.

My knee itches.

Just one little scratch.

- We should get separate beds. - Yes! A mini-fridge!

- And separate beds. - Deal!

I came to apologize to all of you.

I overreacted.

Well, we owe you an apology, too.

We said some pretty hurtful things.

- No, you didn't. - That was after you left.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth in the first place.

I acted like a total drama queen. That's not offensive, right?

Still not gay.

You are clearly important to Robin,

so why don't we all have dinner tomorrow night?

Great!

Looking forward to it.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

I must have Robin back.

You're kidding, right?

I don't know what it is, but I want Robin back.

I know what it is.

You're like a little kid who throws a toy away,

and wants it back the second another kid plays with it.

Maybe I wasn't done playing with it!

Maybe I set it down

'cause I wanted to play with some other stuff!

You're ready.

Ready for what?

To read the letter.

Kids, the letter was a device I'd invented

to remind myself why I'd broken up with somebody.

I'd been doing it for years.

"Dear Future Ted:

"never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob.

"Also, she cheated on you.

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

"See, we're already laughing about it."

"Dear Future Ted:

"stay away from Natalie.

"Or any girl who can pin you to the ground

"and beat you senseless in front of a crowd.

"P.S.:

"please consult a therapist about why that turned you on."

"Dear Relationship Genius:

"Stella left you at the altar.

"You may never love again

"and will probably die alone."

It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.

So when Barney and Robin broke up the previous fall...

Dating Robin was a huge mistake.

- Write that down. - What?

Write yourself a letter.

That way, when you miss Robin...

and you will... you can remind yourself why you broke up.

Gladly.

"Dear

"Future Barney... "

This ink is cool.

Right?

"You "

"and Robin... "

"Were a terrible couple.

"You just didn't work.

"Sure, you'll always love Robin, but remember other women?

"More importantly, remember other boobs?

"And all the cool stuff you can do with boobs:

"Nuzzle, juggle,

"honka-honka.

"I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic."

Then there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

- You get it now? - Yeah, I get it.

I definitely want her back.

I don't think human beings were ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

Sex and sleep got all jumbled together, but they're different things.

I know.

I love you, but I want this new bed

to be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.

Me, too. And some light snacking, but that's it.

You know what we should get?

We should get a third bed just for sex.

Yes. A sex bed.

A dirty, dirty sex bed.

It's genius! That way, each bed would have a specific purpose.

Exactly.

We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed,

and I'm thinking a beanbag chair just for special birthday stuff.

Baby, did we just revolutionize modern marriage?

Damn straight.

I hope you like sushi.

How cool is it that Don makes sushi? He learned while on assignment in Japan.

Ring worm-ilicious.

Be nice. You only want her 'cause you can't have her.

If I said you can sit anywhere in this room except that chair.

- Are you so petty that you... - My chair!

Spicy tuna

with jalapeno? My favorite.

Mine, too. I love spicy food. The hotter the better.

I love spicy stuff, too, probably more than you do.

Check it.

Don't.

Super-mild.

I'm not feeling it!

Lily, you won't believe it. It's the craziest thing.

Don has twin beds, too.

My God! We just got twin beds.

Great, great.

That great didn't sound so great.

My ex-wife and I thought they'd be good, but we started to drift apart.

Yeah, but I bet you didn't have another bed just for sex.

No, but she did, at her personal trainer's house.

This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

I will say this. I'm going to get a king-size bed

if Robin decides to move in.

I'd like that...

if I move in.

If you move in.

Tokyo Don,

you ever do this back in Japan?

- Wasabi! - Barney, don't.

Awesome!

- Get him some milk. - Spit it out, Barney.

We're out of milk,

but thanks for the reminder, Robin.

That's sweet.

I hope you're happy.

I stand by what I did.

It was bold and romantic.

You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

You have done tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.

Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore, 'cause I'm over her, just like you are.

You are not over her. You want her back

just as much as I do. You just won't let yourself go there.

That is ridiculous. And I'll tell you why.

"For my biographer"

Just, focus on the letter, okay?

"Dear Ted... "

"Robin is the perfect girl for you,

"but she doesn't want a serious relationship.

"You need someone who wants to settle down,

"so until Robin's ready for that next step,

"she's not your girl

"Still, I'll always remember stealing her the blue French horn,

"our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me

"she loved me... "

Damn it.

Now I want her back.

So, that night, your Uncle Barney and I sat down to have a calm,

rational discussion about who deserved Robin more.

I stole her a blue French horn!

I dated her for a year. I wanted her to be the mother of my children

and spend eternity in her arms!

I want to have sex with her at least one more time!

She is mine!

She's not yours, and she's not mine, either.

She's Don's.

You're right.

We gotta get rid of that guy.

Figuratively.

Of course.

Or...

literally.

My God, Ted, this is how it starts! This is how it starts.

I'm scared, Teddy.

Two guys talking. It's just two guys talking.

I'm worried.

I don't want to get divorced.

That's Don.

That's not us.

Our new sleeping arrangement is going to bring us closer together.

Now get out of my bed.

Can we at least push 'em together?

Sure!

You meant the beds. No, I don't want to do that.

Why not?

I love you more than life itself,

but you're a million degrees.

Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

You're no picnic in bed, either.

Except for the food and the ants. But,

I still want to be next to you.

Why? So you can kick me and slap me all night?

I swear, the second you fall asleep, it's like you grow extra limbs.

It's like spooning with the Hindu deity Ganesh.

- Want to push 'em together? - You still talking about the beds?

Get over here.

I'll take her name. I don't care.

Wait. How about this? We share her.

I'll take her until she's 40, and then you can have her after that.

Who are we kidding? She's with Don now. We just have to accept that

- and move on. - You're right.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to the buh...

I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

and then I'll skedaddle.

It's Barn Door.

Guess what? I'm open.

Barn Door, hang on. I'm getting another call.

It's Teddy Bear. Need a little honey?

Ted, hang on.

Barney, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Ted's on the other line, and, I think he's in trouble.

Ted's calling you? He's in trouble, all right.

Ted, what's up?

You have pretty hair. That's what's up.

And down. Your back.

We almost let that get out of control.

Agreed.

I'm gonna get out of here before we do something we regret.

Robin, I love you!

You son of a bitch!

- I brought you the blue French horn! - I brought you the blue French horn!

Ted's just holding it for me! Sorry, buddy. All's fair.

Guys, what are you doing?

We're here to win you back!

Why don't you come upstairs?

All right,

Don...

let's settle this... you,

me and Ted.

A three-way.

Robin and I have to go do our show, so why don't you have

a seat on the couch, watch some television,

and we'll talk when we get back, okay?

You give up easy. Game, set, match!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Where's this TV you've been bragging about?

Right here.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Good night.

Night-night, Papa.

- That was nice. - Yeah.

Welps, you gots to go.

What?

I'm sorry.

That was a blast, and you're great,

but I have to be up early, so...

You're just kicking me out?

You knew what this was.

Lily, wait.

Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

Teddy Bear! Barn Door!

Papa?

Rise and shine, jackasses!

Do you remember anything from last night?

Boy, was Ted drunk.

Embarrassing!

I'm really sorry. We both are.

We were drunk and stupid, but,

we're gonna do anything we can to make sure that Don feels a part of the group.

He's not going to be a part of the group.

And neither am I.

At least for a while.

This thing with Don is real,

and I want to see where it goes.

And I'll never be able to do that if I keep hanging out

with my ex-boyfriends all the time.

It just won't work.

I'm moving in with Don.

So, what's going on with Robin?

You were right. She was just mad.

It's been four days, she hasn't said another word about moving out, but.

We can never pull crap like that ever again.

Agreed.

In fact,

I even wrote myself another letter.

"Dear Future Barney, "

"You think you want Robin back again, but you really don't.

"Let her go. Sincerely,

past Barney. "

- Let me see that. - Give it to me.

"That top part was just for Ted. Did he buy it? Good.

"Get back together "with Robin,

don't mention your plan to Ted 'cause he'll just screw it up again. "

"And then there's more drawings of boobs."

In my defense...

- how great are boobs? - They're pretty great.