All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E14.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

Kids, we all have different
ways of dealing with nerves.

It'll just be a few more
minutes, Mr. Stinson.

Some people chew their nails.

Some people tap their feet.

And some people imagine
they're being interviewed

by renowned sportscaster Jim Nantz.

Hello, friends.

Every sport has had an icon
who transcends the game.

Boxing had Ali,
basketball had Jordan,

and the sport of sleeping
with random hotties

has my next guest,
Mr. Barney Stinson.

- Barney, welcome.
- Thanks. Great to be back on the show.

Good to have you with us.
And, you know, the stats,

they really speak for themselves.

Over 200 women spanning
six continents, 17 nationalities,

74 sexual positions

and not a single fatty.
It's impressive.

With these accomplishments, though,

there's one laurel
that's always eluded you.

Which brings us to last week.
What was the story there?

Buckle up, Jimbo,
this one's a doozy.

It all started when I decided
to set myself a little challenge.

He's calling his shot.

Whatever girl
I'm pointing to right now,

that's who I'm going
home with tonight.

Play ball!

How'd the date with Dale go?

You know, sometimes, that guy
with the horn-rimmed glasses

and the Smurfs T-shirt
is just being ironic.

Sometimes, he is a dork
with a lazy eye

and a love-hate relationship
with Gargamel.

Robin, just because
a guy talks a lot about

a fictional character on a first date
doesn't mean he's not husband material.

Sasquatch isn't fictional.

That was quick.

So, night one was pretty routine.

Jim, there is nothing routine
about the way I get down.

Respect.

Take us to night two.

See that hottie over there
nursing a Black Russian?

She's about to chase that
with a white American. Up top!

You know...

if you're not careful,
you're going to lose me.

You guys, what should I say
when Dale calls for a second date?

How do you know he's going to call?

You're cute, Marshall.

But I think Mama knows
when a dude's digging the show.

I mean, he couldn't keep
his good eye off me.

Well, let him down easy.
People are fragile.

And sometimes, without
even meaning to, you might

rip someone's beating heart out
and stomp on it in a room full

of 26 people
and a teacher's assistant.

How did school go today, Ted?

Something bad happened.

The first class
of the new semester...

Jamie Adamic.

Brian Glow-atz.

Well done.

Adding a fake name
to the sign-up sheet.

That's real original, guys.
You know, I'd expect

inspired minds such as yours
to be a little more mature,

and frankly, more creative.
I mean, seriously.

What kind of a fake name is Cook Pu?

Here.

Come on, guys.
It's got to at least sound real.

Whatever happened to the classics?
Right, you know?

Seymour Butts.

Hugh Gerection. Those were fake names,
but Cook Pu?

Here.

She's back here, bro.

All right, come on, let me have it.
Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.

We're not going to make jokes, Ted.

That girl must be
really down in the dumps.

You really... smeared the Pu name.

You guys finished?

Are you asking us if all the Pu
is out of our system?

Back-to-back nights.
Barney is on fire.

That girl's lucky.

Barney was the best sex I ever had.

He's the best friend I've ever had.

- He's everything I want Marshall to be.
- He's everything I wish I could be.

I'm just assuming that's what
they say when I'm not around.

I buy it. You're awesome.

Now, night three.

Paint us a word picture.

Jim, I could tell I was on a roll,

so I decided to mix things up
a little bit.

I think I'm going to go
small boobs tonight.

You're disgusting.

Lily, they're people, too.

- Here's your burgers.
- Thank you.

What, you're not sharing?
You two always share a burger.

We don't.

We're not like weirdos
who share everything.

- You are.
- Exactly.

We're perfectly normal!

What's going on?

You know how Lily and I have been
looking for new couple friends

ever since we lost Robin and Barney,

and Ted and Stella, and Ted and Robin,
and Ted and Victoria?

Geez, when are you going
to get your life?

How did we end up here?

We went on a great
double date last night.

It... we were cool.
We were casual.

We didn't spaz out.

And then, one tiny
little detail came out

and the whole night was ruined.

And Joeanna's toothbrush
flips off the side of the sink,

hits the ceiling and falls
right into the toilet.

- Come on.
- That's... That's crazy.

Last week, the same thing
happened to our toothbrush.

Our toothbrush?

Our toothbrush?

Our toothbrush?

Like, one toothbrush?

That you both use?

Every day?

Is that weird?

Super weird.

Marshall, four out of five dentists
just threw up in their mouths.

Check it out.
Barney's leaving with another girl.

Three girls in three nights.
That's gross, even for Barney.

Are you kidding?
He's on his way to a perfect...

Don't say it!

- You'll jinx it.
- Jinx what?

I was on my way toward...

a perfect week.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: www.sous-titres.eu ::.

The perfect week.

Seven nights, seven girls,
zero rejections.

Incredible.

I mean, it's really
like the sexual equivalent

of baseball's perfect game,
but even rarer.

Yeah.
The only player in history

to have ever achieved both

was Mustache Pete Drexell
back in 1896.

Now, this wasn't the first time
you'd come close to a perfect week.

You learned the hard way, though...

one mistake, and it's all over.

Sometimes,
a teammate makes an error.

Sometimes, one wild pitch...

You, me, the canned food aisle
in the bodega next door.

... leads to a walk.

And sometimes, you just lose focus.

And that almost always leads
to a hit.

But this week,
you were three for three

with no sign of slowing down.

I could do no wrong.

Wish I could say the same
for my friends.

Cook didn't show up for class today.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, Ted, we know, like,
a ton of people named Cook.

Here we go.
The dreaded Dale call.

It's my mom.

She's going through some pretty
major league health stuff.

God, why won't that guy call?

Wait a minute.
You want him to call?

No! Shut up.

Don't you guys have, like, a...
a toothbrush to share or something?

Yeah. When did you guys
even start doing that anyway?

Like, years ago. You should know.
We lived with you.

But you always
kept your toothbrush in the bedroom.

Also weird, by the way.

We kept it in the bathroom.

No, there was only one toothbrush
in the bathroom, and it was mine.

Wait.

Are you saying...

... that for eight years,

All three of you
shared one toothbrush?

- Oh, my God.
- Kill me.

So, you're through four nights.
You're over the hump.

Nice.

I try. I'm no you.

But then came night five,
and with it, trouble.

Beer here.

How's Barney doing tonight?

Cool as a cumber.
Just like he's been all week.

- That's hard to believe.
- Why?

Apparently, this big merger
fell through last week

and Barney's being blamed for it.

That's weird.
He hasn't said anything.

I work with the guy.
I didn't find out until this afternoon,

when I walked by his boss's office.

... you cost this company, Stinson?!

I'd never seen Barney
look that scared.

I think he's going to get fired.

I can't believe he might get fired.

They're having a meeting on Friday
to determine if he keeps his job.

Poor guy. He must be freaking out.
I'm going to go talk to him.

You can't distract a man
in the middle of a... you-know-what.

Come on, this is his career.

This is much more important
than some stupid perfect...

You can lick my hand
as long as you want.

I'm not going to let you ruin his...

Guys, we need to talk to him.

I'll go.

He needs a bro.

- Everything all right?
- Absolutely. Sure.

Top of the world.

Who am I kidding?

- I need your help.
- Anything, buddy. What is it?

Which one of these girls
looks the dumbest?

All right, kid.

Let's check the scouting report.

What about the heater?

High and outside?

All right.

I'd go with the slider.

Thanks, Skip.

So, what did he say?

He's going to take a swat
at the Hamburglar over there.

You were supposed to talk to him
about losing his job.

How is forcing him to dwell
on a problem he can do nothing?

How is ignoring it
going to solve anything?

You ignored good dental hygiene

for the better part of a decade...

Cook Pu!

- Dale call yet?
- Why do you got to...

Guys, look!

I'm going to stop you.

There's a thing I have to ask.

Have you ever used
performance-enhancing drugs?

No, sir.

I respect the game too much.

Although,
I can't say I haven't been offered.

Dude, it was pretty awesome.

You should try it.
I have, I have some more.

No, thanks.

You sure?

All right, suit yourself.

What time is it?

It's 8:00.

I need to go to the hospital.

I'd never touch the stuff.

You can test me if you want,
Jim Nantz.

Barney, I trust you.
I regret I even asked you the question.

Let's go to night six.

Two girls away from perfection.

What are you doing here?
Get down to the bar!

Ted, relax.

I'm already six for six.

Really?

I was lunching
at Tavern on the Green,

I started chatting up
this Swedish supermodel.

Next thing you know,
I'm playing a day game

in the back
of a horse-drawn carriage.

Giddy-what-up?!

Awesome.

What really happened?

I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's
and banged a drunk hairdresser.

Are you happy, Truthy McGee?

We know you might get fired.

Wait, you have to talk about this.

You are just using meaningless sex

to distract yourself
from a really serious issue.

It is not meaningless, okay?

Number five and I really connected.

She's going back to school.

Or has a kid in school...
Something about school!

So, today one of my students told me
Cook is dropping my class.

Pu dropped out?

She is flushing her education
down the toilet!

Any word from Dale?

It's only been five days,
he's gonna call!

Why do you care anyway?
You said he was a total dork.

Do not talk about Dale that way.

He is twice the man
you will ever be!

God forbid, if you can't find
another job, sell your place.

Marshall and I have an extra room.
You can stay there as long as you need.

Make sure
you bring your own toothbrush.

Lily, what are you doing?

Talking to my friend
who's going through a really tough time.

He's doing fine.

Trying to sleep
with seven women in seven nights

is not "doing fine,"

it's a cry for help.

Barney's life is a cry for help.

But you don't mess with a man
when he's in the middle of a perf...

What?
Perfect week?

Perfect week!

Grow up!

Unbelievable.

You know,
there's two things you don't do.

One: you don't open an e-mail
from Phil Simms in front of your kids.

And two: you don't jinx a man
going for a perfect week.

I don't know what to tell you.
Lily's messing.

I think
she has a thing for the Barnacle.

You're a keen observer
of the human condition, Jim Nantz.

- I can't believe you jinxed him.
- He doesn't stand a chance.

Question:

If I ruined everything,

why is Barney totally hitting it off

with Third Martini Girl over there?

- He's going to do it!
- See?

There is no such thing as a jinx.

Tell me she didn't say
"There's no such thing as a jinx".

Wish I could.

You were about to achieve
something so beautiful!

Thanks to her, the only thing
that could ruin a surefire hookup

was about to walk through that door.

A member of the 2009

World Champion New York Yankees.

Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush.

I guess that's it.

- Barney's streak ends at six.
- What?

Why? Because of that guy
with the weird hair?

That's Nick Swisher.

He's a New York Yankee.

No normal guy in New York City
can compete with a Yankee.

It doesn't even have to be a Yankee.
When I first moved here,

I was on a fourth date with a girl,
until I got rack-jacked

by Phil Rizzuto.

I was there.
Holy cow, that guy had game.

I'm not seeing it.

Let me try
to Canada this up for you, eh?

How would you react
if one of those Ca-chuck guys

with the skates and the sticks
walked in here?

If one of the Vancouver Canucks
walked in here,

my panties would drop so hard,

there'd be a hole
in the floor halfway to China.

- That's what it's like with them.
- Well, Barney's screwed.

It's happening! Look.

Want to come over
and look at my snow globe collection?

Snow globe collection?

He's throwing junk out there.

That is Nick Swisher!

- Good effort.
- Good game.

Not good enough.

This whole week was a waste.

And tomorrow,

I'm going to get fired.

I'm really sorry, dude.

But for what it's worth,
this week wasn't a waste.

We were all having

a really horrible week
and you took our minds off it.

I had my first student drop my class...
It sucked.

I met my soul mate
and he never called me back.

I mean yet.
He will.

He will.

We scared off a really great couple
just because we share a toothbrush.

You share a toothbrush?

Them and Ted.

Wait a second.

When we were dating, you borrowed
that toothbrush all the time.

And that's when Aunt Lily realized
what's great about sports:

They take your mind off your troubles,
if only for a moment.

And deep down,
we all need that perfect week.

The second she sits down
next to Swisher, it's all over.

Wait a minute!

Aldrin's got a bead on her!

She's running out of room.

She dives...

I have no idea where she's going.

Are you okay?

Sorry.
I'm such a klutz!

I think I twisted my ankle.
Can you get me some ice?

Of course.

She did it!

I guess there is no such thing
as a jinx!

I'll get you some ice, Lily.

Damn it.

Swisher's back in play!

Follow me.

This guy and his wife
share a toothbrush!

So?

That's weird, right?

I think it's kind of sweet.

In a way, aren't we all trying
to find that special someone

to share a toothbrush with?

Excuse me.

Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet.

Martini?

We're having a beer with a Yankee.

How cool is that?

It's amazing.
I totally follow baseball.

Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?

Baseball, it's amazing.

But I tell you one thing,
it's no hockey.

I live...

right upstairs.

What do you say
we go back to my place?

To be honest,

I don't normally do that, but...

I feel a real connection here,

seven... Christy.

Please.

I did it!

Amazing!

Congratulations
on your perfect week!

I couldn't have done it
without my teammates.

On to a new topic.

Do you really think
you might get fired today?

Jim, I told you
I don't want to talk about that.

I'm a figment of your imagination,
so apparently you do.

Think about that.

What a jerk.

You're a jerk.

Mr. Donovan will see you now.

We've reached a decision.

We're keeping you on.

I know this past week
must have been tough on you.

I barely slept.

Here you go.

The official hat
of Barney's perfect week.

I was going to do shirts,
but you have to guess sizes.

And feelings get hurt.
It's a mess.

In commemoration of Barney's induction
into the Hall of Game,

this tie, worn on the seventh night
of his perfect week,

is hereby retired.

May Barney's heroic feat
be remembered

and spoken of
for generations to come.

I'm totally going
to sit my kids down one day

and tell them about the time
Barney nailed seven chicks in a row.

Am I a bad dad?

Take out order for Cook Pu?

We have a number two over here
for Cook Pu.

You guys got Wendy saying it now?

Come on, I get it.

Cook Pu is a stupid name,
it gets stupider the more you say it.

Here.