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1
00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:05,440
Happy anniversary, Claire.
2
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,050
Aw. You, too, babe.
3
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,443
I love you. Mwah!
4
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:09,922
Can I pour you
some champagne?
5
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:11,881
Uh, that depends.
Is it grocery store champagne,
6
00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:13,709
or did you steal it from Cooper?
7
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:16,146
Stole it from Cooper.
8
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,147
Yeah!
9
00:00:17,191 --> 00:00:18,409
Fancy!
10
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:20,020
Happy anniversary, guys.
11
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,934
I, um, I got you
a little something.
12
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,632
Aw, Cooper.
13
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:27,157
I'm just gonna quickly
peek out into the driveway...
14
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:34,121
...and be just as excited
for our non-drivable gift.
15
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:35,948
What is it, buddy?
16
00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:38,081
Well, I was doing
my own laundry...
17
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:44,653
Sorry, people usually applaud
when I say things like that.
18
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,089
Anyway, I
found a copy
19
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,787
of your old vows in some
wadded-up tuxedo pants.
20
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,920
Oh. I guess
the rental guy was right.
21
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,704
I did notreturn
those pants.
22
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,184
And they were
23
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,143
so beautifully written up,
I thought it would be nice
24
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,362
to blow them up and
print them on canvas.
25
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:02,236
Oh, my God.Aw. That's amazing.
[laughs]
26
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,760
And when I was down there,
I also found a set of bagpipes
27
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,370
stashed in a cupboard
behind the detergent.
28
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,416
[sighs]
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,505
Jake got his 23andMe results
30
00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:14,813
and found out
he is 0.5% Scottish.
31
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,556
Oh, don't be so jealous,
ya wee clipe.
32
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:23,126
Yeah, that accent was
0.5% Scottish.
33
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,345
CLAIRE:
Yeah, well,
34
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,956
luckily, at our wedding,
Jake vowed to...
35
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:29,132
never play them again,
and in exchange,
36
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:32,266
I vowed to never do
the Dougie again.
37
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:35,269
[sighs] It's a dance
I got a little obsessed with.
38
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:38,272
A little? You did it at
your uncle's funeral.
39
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:40,100
His name was Dougie!
40
00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,625
Happy anniversary!I didn't see anything
41
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,627
in the driveway,
so I'm assuming
42
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,411
Cooper's gift
is stuck in customs
43
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:50,588
because the steering wheel is
on the wrong side of the car?
44
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:54,288
No. Cooper got us
a very thoughtful gift.
45
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:58,074
Oh. Did he donate to
whales or something?
46
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,730
Hey, you guys brought
champagne for us?
47
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,253
Yes.
48
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,908
That is totally
for you guys.
49
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:10,782
Honey, why don't you pop that
unopened bottle of champagne?
50
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,088
Okay.
51
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,135
[popping lips]Oh-ho!
52
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,527
Ooh! Ah!Whoa.
53
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,355
Get the glasses.
54
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:19,835
Whoo-hoo!
55
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,315
Yeah.
56
00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:26,581
To Jake and Claire!
57
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:32,587
♪ Imagine me and you, I do
58
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:35,372
♪ I think about you
day and night ♪
59
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:37,200
♪ It's only right
60
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:39,985
♪ So happy together...
61
00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:42,249
[vocalizing]
62
00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:56,176
Wow, man, framing our vows
was a great gift, Cooper.
63
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,221
I mean, a new Lexus wouldn't
have been nearly as homemade.
64
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,049
[chuckles]
Yeah.
65
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,616
I just love how,
instead of using
66
00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:03,008
the same old boring clichés,
67
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:04,314
like honoring and cherishing
each other,
68
00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:06,055
you guys personalized your vows.
69
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:07,839
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We got super specific.
70
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:09,580
'Cause we didn't want
to fight all the time,
like my parents did.
71
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:12,279
Yeah. So we always vowed
to never go to sleep
72
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,932
without resolving
our issues,
73
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,369
and always having
each other's back.
74
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,197
Yep. And my lady vowed to:
75
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,850
"always celebrate
my quirks."[chuckles]
76
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,246
Though sometimes it is hard
to tell the difference
77
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:26,031
between a quirk
and a major personality flaw.
78
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,208
Mm.
79
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:30,340
Man, I wish my parents had done
this-- it might've stopped them
80
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:31,863
from getting divorced
when I was young.
81
00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:33,691
Aw, sorry to hear that,
Coops. Mine, too.
82
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:36,216
Play a lot of catch
in the backyard by yourself?
83
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,870
Yeah, but it was with a
boomerang, so it wasn't too bad.
84
00:03:38,914 --> 00:03:41,308
Oh.
85
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:43,048
It's weird,
but I can't help feeling
86
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,485
like I caused
my parents' divorce.
87
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,095
Oh, come on.
All kids feel that way.
88
00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,966
But you got to know
it's not true.
I know.
89
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,534
It's just, when I was 11,
I pulled this prank on my mom
90
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:52,710
and told her my dad
was having an affair and...
91
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:56,366
...you know,
instead of laughing,
92
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,760
she had revenge sex
with his boss.
93
00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,283
And then, like,
94
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,243
three weeks later
they were divorced.
95
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:05,941
Uh...
96
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:09,727
I-I-I mean,
97
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,381
you-you can't...
98
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:14,297
Are pranks different
in Australia?
99
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,864
My point is that you two
100
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,866
are the perfect
relationship role models for me.
101
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:20,216
But seriously, I'm so
inspired that I think
102
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,826
I'm gonna write
my first love ballad.
103
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,480
Ah, Cooper, those
vows may seem nice,
104
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:26,353
but you didn't have to watch
these two stumble over them
105
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,181
while ugly crying.
106
00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:32,489
[fake crying]:
I vow... to make
our wedding ceremony
107
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,231
three hours longer
than it needs to be.
108
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:39,409
[fake crying]:
Even though all
of our guests
109
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:42,107
just want to rip shots
at the open bar.
110
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,284
[both fake sobbing]
111
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:45,807
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
112
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,896
Make your jokes,
all right?
113
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:49,550
But I'll have you
know Claire and I
114
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,552
are killing this
marriage thing.
CLAIRE:
Yeah.
115
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:54,337
You know, thanks to these
bad boys, we are four years in,
116
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:56,774
and we've never had
an actual fight.GERALD: Wow.
117
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,298
A whole four years.
118
00:04:58,341 --> 00:04:59,473
If your marriage was
a bottle of wine,
119
00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:02,040
it'd be, like, 12 bucks.
120
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:06,915
And by the way,
121
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:08,612
it is healthy
for couples to fight.
122
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,353
We've been married
for 30 years--
123
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,485
we fight all the time.
124
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,138
We don't fight all
the time.
125
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,750
Not in front of the kids.
126
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,360
You're right.
127
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:18,753
I'm sorry.
128
00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:20,320
I'm sorry, too. Oh.
129
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:28,328
♪
130
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:32,767
Oh, wow, babe.
131
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,377
We crushed that
anniversary dinner.
132
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:35,987
Ooh, yeah.
133
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,467
We really should stop
this tradition of eating
134
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,991
a seafood tower for every
year we've been married.
135
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,428
Oh, yeah.
136
00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:43,299
Oh, my God.
137
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,953
Look at how
this guy parked.
138
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,781
What a jerk.
Hey, now.
139
00:05:46,824 --> 00:05:48,217
Let's not assume
it was a guy.
140
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,393
Ladies can be bad
at stuff, too.
141
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:53,048
Nope, tried to say something
good and it came out bad.
142
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,006
You know, we should
leave a nasty note.
143
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,486
Give me that dinner receipt.
144
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:58,401
But it has my name on it.
145
00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,708
And proof that I have
a Discover card.
146
00:06:00,751 --> 00:06:03,188
Ugh. He's not gonna
read the receipt.
147
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,277
Yeah, you're right.
And even if he does,
148
00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:07,279
you know how many Jake Davises
there are in this city?
149
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:11,501
17. And not one has responded
to a friend request.
150
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,286
Ooh, girl.
151
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,592
Get nasty with it.
152
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,464
Okay. I see you.
153
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,422
Very colorful language,
my dear.
154
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:20,989
[gasps] Claire.
155
00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:24,427
"If you thought you knew how
to park, you're wrong, you... "
156
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:27,778
Oh, that says "can't."
Oh.
[chuckles]
157
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:32,566
And delivered.
158
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:37,048
Well, guess we got to
go through the back door.
159
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:38,920
[sighs] It is our anniversary.
160
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:41,575
[laughs]
161
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:45,448
[high-pitched laughing]
162
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:47,624
All right.
163
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,670
There we go.
Oh.
164
00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:54,849
Ooh. Climbing into the car
through the butt
165
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:57,155
was a pretty good workout.
166
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:59,462
Well, you know what else
is a good workout...
167
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:00,855
Swimming.
168
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:05,381
Oh, wait.
Are you coming on to me?
169
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,427
[giggles]
170
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:11,039
Leaving that nasty note got me
feeling a little nasty myself.
171
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:13,476
Oh. Claire,
172
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,436
you dirty dog.
[laughs]
173
00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,481
We know we have
the house to ourselves,
174
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,831
which means we can have
some good ol' fashioned
175
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:23,834
♪ couch sex, baby
this evening ♪
Yeah.
176
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,967
♪ I need some couch sex ♪ Baby, tonight.
177
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,186
Wait. Is that the receipt
that I wrote my note on?
178
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:30,493
What? This?
179
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:31,929
No. No. This is, uh...
180
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,365
This is-- I was just
practicing origami.
181
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,497
It's, uh...
182
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,500
Oh. [sighs]
183
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,197
Messed up another one.
Guess I got to eat it.
184
00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:40,460
What?
185
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:41,417
Drop it.
186
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,464
Drop it. Drop it.
187
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:49,294
Huh. Wow.
188
00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,209
So you took my note
off the windshield?
189
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:54,430
Yes.
190
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,737
That's interesting,
191
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,956
because I seem to recall
reading somewhere
192
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,306
that you vowed
to always have my back.
193
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:04,745
Where was that?
Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
194
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:12,230
Claire, taking that note
was having your back,
195
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:14,363
because now that guy won't
see it and be all like...
196
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,539
[grunting]
197
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,541
[mimics car engine]
198
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,021
[mimics brakes screeching]
199
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:21,588
[grunts]
200
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:23,285
"I didn't mean it."
"Yes, you did."
201
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:26,506
[grunts, groans]
202
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:29,509
[grunting, groaning]
203
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,210
That's him hitting on you
because he knows
204
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,690
you're a beautiful woman
and any murderer
205
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:38,953
would be lucky
to have you as a wife.
206
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:41,956
Where are you going?
To bed.
207
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:44,567
No. Eh, not so fast,
Claire-io Andretti.
208
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,614
I seem to recall
reading somewhere
209
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:50,791
that we vowed to never go to bed
without resolving our issues.
210
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:52,662
I wonder where I read that.
211
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:56,231
Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
212
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,711
There's nothing to resolve.
213
00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:59,582
You didn't have my back,
and I'm tired.
214
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,888
Well, we...
215
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:02,846
we can't go to bed
unless I feel resolved
216
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,631
and I do not
feel resolved!
217
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:07,547
Claire!
218
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:09,244
Well, joke's on you, Claire.
219
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:12,682
I can have sex on this couch
even without you.
220
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,778
Don't worry, I'm not gonna
do anything.
221
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,394
I'm up late.
222
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,396
Actually, I'm up late.
223
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,616
I'm up late.
Hey.
224
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,444
You're up early.
225
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:36,663
Actually, I'm uplate.
226
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,666
No. Over-rehearsed it.
227
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,016
Wait. Did you stay up all night?
228
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,539
I didn't want to.
229
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,889
I had to,
because I don't break our vows.
230
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:49,850
[chuckles] Husband, one;
wife, zero.
231
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:52,635
What did you even do
for eight hours?
232
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,463
I, uh, watched
Saving Private Ryan,
233
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,378
then accidentally signed up
for the army.
234
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:59,468
Uh, got scared and unplugged
the modem.
235
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:01,078
Hmm.
236
00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:05,169
Well, Jake, I guess
I should say I'm sorry...
237
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,997
that you felt the need
to stay up all night
238
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:09,478
to prove your silly point.
239
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:12,133
Is that really
how you talk to someone
240
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,569
who might be a member
241
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,571
of the United States
Armed Forces?Oh, my God.
242
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,529
Might be-- You know what?
Now you're acting crazy.
243
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:18,530
Apologize for real.
244
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:19,836
What's the point
of apologizing?
245
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,533
Hiya, guys.[overlapping arguing]
246
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,274
Hey. What's going on?Oh, hi.
247
00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:24,754
Will you stop?
248
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,495
What do you think of this lyric
from my new love ballad?
249
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:29,150
Uh, "I love all your quirks,
it's why we work.
250
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:31,543
"Now, girl,
break it down for me.
251
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,937
Twerk, twerk, twerk."
252
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,464
It's amazing.
I love it.
253
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,553
As you were, lovebirds.
254
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,425
[Claire chuckles]
255
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:44,644
Ugh. Well, we can't fight
in front of Cooper,
256
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,038
'cause he looks up
to our perfect marriage.
257
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,518
We're not fighting,
all right?
258
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,172
And we never will as
long as you promise
259
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:52,956
to never break another
one of our vows.
260
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,566
Well, you broke
the first vow
261
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,351
when you didn't have
my back last night.
262
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:58,396
[laughs]
263
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:04,272
I'm laughing because,
clearly, that was a joke.
264
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:07,144
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to go to work.
265
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:08,493
Ugh. You know what?
266
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:10,365
Have fun nodding off
at your desk, ya big baby.
267
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:11,627
Oh, I will.
268
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,194
And every time I do,
I'll know it's my body
269
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:15,239
telling me how right I am.
270
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:16,110
You are correct, sir.
271
00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,329
Yes, you are right.
272
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,070
Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
273
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,681
Well, I vowed
to always leave you with a kiss
274
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,508
and I wouldn't want to be
the secondperson
275
00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:24,858
to break one of our vows.
276
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:27,077
No, no, no, no. That's,
that's an angry kiss.
277
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:28,339
I do not do anger kisses.
278
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:29,601
No, it's not an angry kiss.
279
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,690
It's a self-righteous kiss
280
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,517
and it's gonna taste
like you're wrong.
281
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,694
No. No. No. I don't--
282
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,521
Stop. You're
Pepé Le Pew-ing me.
283
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:37,740
I don't want it.
284
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,568
Hey.
285
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:42,876
Hey.
286
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:43,790
What's going on, guys?
287
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,617
Oh, I was just
honoring my vow
288
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:48,272
to always leave Jake
with a kiss, so...
289
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:49,578
Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
290
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:51,623
[grunts]
291
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,455
[sighs]
292
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:01,633
Thank you, dear.
293
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,810
My God, your love
is so inspiring.
294
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:08,423
"You, you leave you with a kiss,
so you know my love is true.
295
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,642
"And-and when you get home,
296
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:14,037
I'm gonna Pepé Le-do you."
297
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,476
It's amazing.
298
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,000
Cooper,
you did it again, man.Thank you.
299
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,566
How does he do it?
Right?
300
00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,663
[grunts]
301
00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,714
[door closes]
302
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,716
[growls]
303
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:47,505
Mm.
304
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:49,551
[laughs]
305
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,773
Husband, one; wife, one.
306
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,083
[snoring]
307
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,046
Oh.
308
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,657
Hitting the old mahogany
mattress, were we?
309
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,790
I must have dozed off.
310
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,226
Ah, it's okay, Jake.
311
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,576
Stories about my susceptibility
to lightning strikes
312
00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:16,621
can be a little boring.
313
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:17,622
No, no. I'm sorry.
314
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,276
I... I just had a rough night.
315
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,670
Don't apologize. I fall asleep
at work all the time. [laughs]
316
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:25,979
Managing a pop star
is a 24/7/365 job.
317
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,763
Well, 364.
318
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,158
I take off Secretaries Day
to honor my late mother.
319
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:32,159
Oh, I'm sorry.
320
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,856
Thank you. She's never on time.
321
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,031
It's so annoying.
322
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,904
So what happened?
323
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:40,080
Claire and I had a bit
of an argument.Mm-hmm.
324
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:43,083
You know, one thing I know
about marriage
325
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:46,651
is that it is all about winning
and losing.
326
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,871
I may not have a house,
327
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,918
a car, or children that talk
to me, but I have my pride.
328
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,007
Four and oh, baby.
329
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:56,226
I gotta go talk to Claire.
330
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,402
No, Jake. You have
to talk atClaire.
331
00:13:58,446 --> 00:13:59,708
Don't let her
get a word in.
332
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,275
Make her know
how you feel.
333
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:08,499
Oh, yeah. [laughs]
334
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,110
Oh, yeah?
335
00:14:10,153 --> 00:14:12,764
Oh, yeah.
336
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:16,420
Babe, I had some time to
think, and, uh, I'm sorry.
337
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,553
Oh, yeah? Well, you have
a stupid, weird-shaped--
338
00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:19,989
Wait. What?
What?
339
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,124
Did you just apologize?
340
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,908
Yeah. You know,
341
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,563
I-I realized marriage isn't
about winning and losing.
342
00:14:28,606 --> 00:14:30,652
Those vows were a
really sweet gift idea.
343
00:14:30,695 --> 00:14:32,088
Let's not ruin it
by arguing about them.
344
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:34,830
Oh, I'm sorry, too.
345
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,136
[laughs]
346
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,877
You know, why don't you
go in the kitchen and, uh,
347
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,269
pour us two glasses
of champagne
348
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,837
and we can celebrate
the end of this non-fight?
349
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,057
Ooh, I likey.
350
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,276
[laughs]
351
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,583
Oh, my God.
352
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,324
Oh. No. No. No.
353
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,116
Oh.
354
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:07,950
What are you doing?
355
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,648
Wanna have sex?
356
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,827
All the time.
[laughs]
357
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,568
Wait a minute,
that was too easy.
358
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,353
What are you
hiding, Claire?
359
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:20,832
Nothing.
[laughs]
360
00:15:20,876 --> 00:15:22,922
Then why are you
blocking when I...I'm not. Just...
361
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,880
when I'm trying to...When-- Oh. Oh.
362
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:25,925
[shrieks]
363
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,013
Oh, my God!
364
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,188
What?! [gasps]
365
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,841
What?
Oh, my God.
366
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:33,367
Someone broke in
and vandalized our gift.
367
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:37,719
Did you cross out
one of my vows?
368
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,721
Okay, yes.
369
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,897
I was really upset
when you left and...
370
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,117
I didn't know you were gonna
come back and apologize,
371
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,771
but look, I can,
I can fix it right now. Look.
372
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,773
That... and then you...
373
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,385
Eh? See? I signed it
like you do at the bank
374
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,953
when you handle
important business.
375
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:59,175
Do not try to turn me on
with sexy bank talk, all right?
376
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:01,961
I kept that vow.
I keep all of our vows.
377
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:05,660
Oh, please. So you really
"treat me like a queen"?
378
00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,663
Well, not literally,
but now that you mention it,
379
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:10,578
would you like me to remove
that scepter
380
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:14,495
from thine butt?[gasps, laughs]
381
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,410
Well, in that case,
382
00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,890
off with your head...
privileges.
[gasps]
383
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:21,023
O-Okay. All right.
384
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,807
Oh, I'll play this game.
I can play this game.
385
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,418
How 'bout how you...
386
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:26,986
promise to "always celebrate
my quirks," huh?
387
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,901
Well, I don't feel very
celebrated right now.
388
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:31,991
Oh. Well, let's,
389
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,341
let's have a
party for them.
390
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,082
You know, let's start
with how you always
391
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,519
have to do an open-mouth
smile for every picture.
392
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:42,305
I don't open-mouth smile
for every...
393
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:45,526
[laughs] Oh.
Or how you have to save
394
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,789
every single receipt
that you've every gotten.
395
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,965
Let's have a little party
for them, too, right?
396
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,968
Yay! Yay!
Oh, my gosh!
397
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,839
You're mixing deductible
categories.
398
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,494
We're gonna go to jail.
Are you crazy?
399
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,409
Oh, my gosh.
400
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:01,020
Ugh.
401
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:04,414
Well, since no one's taking
our vows seriously anymore,
402
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:07,548
I guess I'll do a little
something like this.
403
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,986
[bagpipe buzzing]
404
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,989
♪
405
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,427
I hope you're in the
mood for an instrument
406
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:21,562
I like to call the
devil's testicle.
407
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,085
Oh, my God.
408
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,956
It sounds terrible.
409
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,090
Yeah, Claire.
It's the bagpipes.
410
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,092
Oh, great.
411
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,051
You know what?
Keep playing,
412
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,444
'cause it's getting me in
the mood for a little dancing.
413
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,185
Oh, you better not Dougie.
414
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:39,058
Oh, I'm about to Dougie.
I'm about to Dougie.
415
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,276
What? Ah.
Don't you dare.
416
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,105
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
417
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,238
♪
418
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,160
What are you guys doing?
419
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,987
What does it look like
we're doing?!
420
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:57,989
Um...
421
00:17:58,033 --> 00:18:00,470
♪
422
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,211
I honestly don't know.
423
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,909
We're having
our first fight.
424
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:06,563
And I hope you
finished your love song
425
00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:08,696
because our vows are
a bunch of crap.
426
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:11,742
This is my fault, isn't it?
427
00:18:11,786 --> 00:18:13,788
No, it's Jake's.No, it's Claire's.
428
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,923
Oh, my God.
429
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:22,927
Someone broke in
and vandalized my gift.
430
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:35,853
Couldn't sleep?
431
00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:37,942
Yep.
432
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,857
Turns out it was only 4:00
in the afternoon
433
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,772
when I stormed upstairs.
434
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,690
And, uh, it felt weird
to come back down here
435
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:49,171
so I pretended to read a book.
436
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,782
What book?
437
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:54,307
I don't know. I was pretending.
438
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,266
COOPER:
Jake and Claire!
Could you guys come
439
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,572
into the living room,
please?
440
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,055
Oh, my gosh, Claire,
are you okay?
441
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:06,580
Why'd you say she was having
a heart attack?
442
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,975
[laughs] Gotcha.
443
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:14,109
Anyway, these guys
were having a big fight
444
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,589
and I thought you guys
could help.
445
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,982
Yeah, a fight I thought was
between myself, my wife
446
00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:20,811
and an unrelated boy
who lives in our attic.
447
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,726
Well, look, I'm sorry,
but I feel so bad
448
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,163
my gift caused you guys
to fight.
449
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,382
This is why I usually
just give people cars.
450
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,210
Seriously?
451
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:29,951
[grunts]
Anyway, I figured
Bonnie and Gerald
452
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,822
have been married for 30 years,
maybe they could help.
453
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:34,260
Ugh. Okay, look,
I know you guys think
454
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,392
that our vows
are ridiculous,
455
00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:38,220
but we are trying
our best to live up to them.
456
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,135
But that's the problem.
You wrote these fancy vows
457
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,093
that sound amazing,
but at the end of the day
458
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,704
they're impossible
to live up to.
459
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,880
You guys just set
too many rules.
460
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:49,144
It's a marriage,
not an orgy.
461
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:55,759
Look, think about it.
Your wedding day is the day
462
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,413
you know the least
about your marriage,
463
00:19:57,457 --> 00:20:00,242
so making promises then is just
setting yourself up for failure.
464
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,244
That's why you always stick
with the hits:
465
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,550
good times, bad times,
466
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:04,855
sickness, health,
467
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:07,162
burial or cremation.
468
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,859
Cremation.
469
00:20:08,903 --> 00:20:11,471
Burn, baby, burn.
470
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,473
You know, I think
they're right.
471
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,301
Like, I don't want to be in
a marriage based on rules
472
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,172
we set up years ago.
473
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,956
I want to grow
and evolve with you.
474
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,784
Aw. [laughs]
475
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,873
Me, too.
476
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:24,179
Ew.
477
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:31,752
[both sighing]
Wow.
478
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,102
That was amazing.
Mm.
479
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:35,973
God, I can't believe
we've been missing out
480
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,932
on make-up sex
all these years.
481
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:40,717
I know. Stupid
loving relationship.
[laughs]
482
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,284
Well, you know
what this means?
483
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,634
We just got to start
having more arguments.
484
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:47,246
No, we don't.
That's crazy.
485
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:48,464
You're crazy.
486
00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:50,423
Don't call me crazy.
487
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,339
You're right,
I'm sorry.
488
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:55,254
I'm sorry, too.
489
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,909
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
490
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,346
Captioned by
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