All language subtitles for Enlisted s01e09 Paint Cart 5000 vs. The Mondo Spider.eng

Troops, today our mission
is wall-painting.

- I was painting my wall all night.
- That is not a euphemism.

- All night.
- Stop!

- You have a disorder.
- We're actually painting an actual wall.

Now, I know that
might not be glamorous,

but just because we have a boring job
doesn't mean we can't have fun doing it.

So, I give you...

The Paint Cart 5000!

(gasping)

So this is the stuff white
people get excited about?

Now, this gets me excited!

What do you say we take her on
her maiden voyage? Let's ride!

That's terrible, right?
We all realize that's terrible?

The Army is filled with troops
on heroic missions,

and then there's us.

We take care of things at home.

We are the Rear Detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Sync and corrections by brayanatsix
www.addic7ed.com

Enlisted - S01E09
Paint Cart 5000 vs. The Mondo Spider

ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!

Sergeant Hill!

Sergeant Hill!

Come on, Derrick...
Sergeant Hill!

I am not chanting your name.

I'll cover for him.

- Sergeant Hill!
- Sergeant Hill.

- Sergeant Hill!
- Sergeant Hill.

- (chuckles)
- You make me want to be a better man.

I'm not going to be,
but you lit a fire.

Sergeant Hill, you want to hear a
rap song I wrote in your honor?

It reinforces racial stereotypes
and glorifies criminal behavior.

Why don't we skip that?
But I appreciate the gesture.

Tell you what,
this round's on me.

ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!

I'd like to tender
my resignation from this family.

Pete, just one request.
Can I drive the cart?

And, Derrick, before you answer,
this is for Pete to decide.

- No.
- Derrick?

You know why you're not allowed
to drive the gold cart.

Backing up!

Whoa!
(crashing)

Whoops!

(laughs) Stupid cat.
You can't play piano.

(piano playing,
cat meows on video)

Actually, this cat's not bad.

Hey, Dobkiss,
check out this cat video.

- (indistinct shouting)
- Sorry, guys!

(thumps)
Whoa!

Sent.

If you cherry-pick the data,
you'll find problems.

Those all happened yesterday.

Barkeep, I am looking
for a big, noisy IPA

with a hoppy nose

and a nice body
in the 7.0 ABV range.

They have beer.

You like beer, Lieutenant?

As a craft brew connoisseur,

I just like to know
what I'm getting.

You got this one
and then this one light.

(laughter)

I'm laughing to keep this
in a collegial space,

but you might want
to watch your tone, soldier.

Yes, syrup.

- Did you just say, "Yes, syrup"?
- No, syrup.

- I feel like you said "syrup."
- No, syrup.

- You said "syrup" again.
- No, syrup.

- You just said "syrup" again.
- No, sir.

Up.

Picking a fight with
an officer, huh? Smart.

I respect officers, just not cherry
eggheads like Schneeberger.

I know Lieutenant Schneeberger
is an acquired taste,

but he asked me to help him
with his new equipment detail.

(laughing):
Oh, God.

We actually have
some things in common.

(chuckles)

We're insulting you in semaphore.
How cool is that?

You want to see cool?

ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!

Sergeant Hill!

Sergeant Hill!
Sergeant Hill!

Sergeant Hill!
Sergeant Hill!

This is cool.

(cheering)

Yeah, that thing's way cooler
than what I'm working on.

No.

Say hello...

to the Mondo Spider.

ALL: Hello.

The Mondo Spider is
a lithium ion powered robot.

100% electric, designed
to provide infantry support.

- So beautiful.
- So noble.

Now, this is the type
of white people stuff I like.

I really like this.

Corporal Hill, a word.

Yeah, but, Sergeant Major Cody,
now? There's a...

I know, Mondo Spider.

(sighs)
Let's go.

Don't let anything cool
happen without me.

Derrick, you know
I can't promise that.

Now, I know what you're asking.

- What does it eat?
- Is it able to love?

Maybe I don't know what you're asking, so
let me just tell you what I'm looking for.

A platoon to help test the next
generation of military technology.

Fall in.

I like what I see.

But I do have some concerns
about leadership. Hmm.

Feels like something sticking
in my craw, like, uh, syrup.

Ah. Clarity at last.

I'll just have to keep looking.

- (groaning)
- Say good-bye, Mondo Spider. (laughs)

Don't take my baby!

Why?!

Sergeant Hill,
what happened?

Oh, he said he had concerns
about leadership.

We all heard what he said, Gumble.

I can't believe I just saw a living,
breathing robot spider.

Forget about that thing.

What do you say we jump on the
Paint Cart 5000 and get on out there.

It hurts every fiber
of my being to say this,

but Paint Cart 5000 sucks, Pete!

(screams)

I hate that cart!

All right. Sergeant Major,
am I being punished?

Because I really wanted
to see the Mondo Spider.

It's, like, the only cool thing
that's ever happened at this post.

Are you forgetting
about when we saw

a turtle riding an alligator?
(laughs)

How are those two friends?

They're not,
the gator ate the turtle.

Well, that's a disappointing coda.

Moving on,
I need an official portrait.

I'd like you to take it.

- Come again?
- According to your records,

you took a photography course
in college.

I slept through a class
about pictures,

but I don't know how to take
a professional portrait.

The only other artistically
inclined soldier is... Private Gumble.

Sand is nature's paint.

And making it snow.

* Gumble's an artist,
Gumble's an artist. *

(gasps)
A shooting star.

I'm looking for something
more permanent.

I've already tried
a so-called professional.

That charlatan told me
I looked good.

I need a photographer
who's gonna tell me the truth.

- I don't want to be here.
- The job is yours.

Permission to have a frank and lively
discussion about a hot-button topic?

Oh, God.

Let's just rip
the Band-Aid off, Pete.

You're wrong...
oh, my God, I am so sorry...

but it needed to be said.

They put me up to it,
but I stand by it.

Who am I to tell you?
I'm gonna tell you who I am.

Permission to start this over again.

Sergeant Hill, you're the reason

we didn't get the most
amazing detail of all time.

Mondo Spider.

How we've dreamt of this day.

You didn't even know
what it was till an hour ago.

Is an hour's dream not a dream?

Schneeberger is bad news.
You don't want to work with that guy.

No, you don't want to work
with him, Sergeant!

And you probably got some really
good reasons we haven't heard yet.

- Why did we make him spokesman?
- Because I get results.

If that's okay with Pete.

- Can't you go talk to Schneeberger?
- He is a weasel, guys.

He dangles the spider
in front of you,

and then yanks it away
so I have to go kiss his butt.

- Great.
- Sounds like a plan.

- He's a genius.
- Enough!

Pete, I'm no longer the
brutally honest spokesman

who came in here
to tear you a new one.

Now I'm just
your little brother, Randy,

a small boy with a big heart

whose first crush was on
Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons

and first book was
Charlotte's Web from the library,

which I just realized
I forgot to return.

Funny story, actually.

- All right, I'll talk to him.
- Now that is how you spokesman.

(platoon chattering excitedly)

Okay, I'll just pretend
like this goes there,

and then I'll just wave
this thing around

like I have any idea
what the hell that does,

and, uh,
I think we're all set.

Because what do I know?

I'm not a photographer.
Say cheese.

(beeps, shutter clicks)
Cheese!

Great.

Did you capture my essence?

You're smiling,
your eyes are open.

You know, I was flipping through some
photography books for inspiration.

Oh, my God.

You know, that Annie Leibovitz
take one hell of a picture.

Do that for me.

Do what?

Draw out some inner vulnerability
that probably isn't there,

and you shouldn't
be looking for anyway.

But... if you find it,
move over, bacon.

You guys are testing LSD on me,
aren't you?

I know you can do this,
Corporal Hill.

Are you ready?

'Cause I'm ready.

And I reserved the MOUT facility
for 0700 tomorrow.

Squared away as usual,
Sergeant Perez.

- Permission to enter, sir.
- Oh, come on in, Sergeant Hill.

I got a little gift for you.

A little something for a man
who enjoys a craft brew.

Oh.

Hoptopus Eight-Legged Ale.

The Schnee likes.

Whatcha doing, Sergeant Hill?

Shooting a friendly smile
to the studliest...

squash manager
in the army.

The guys on the team were
the real studs,

but without their equipment,
hey, maybe a diff story.

Uh, sir, I looked inward, and I addressed
that leadership concern that you had,

and I was hoping that you would reconsider
using my troops for your detail.

(clears throat)

I know there's been
some tension between us.

(grunts)
I get it.

We're cut from the same cloth,
just two alphas howling at the moon, right?

(laughs, howls)

But we can fix that.
You just need to apologize.

- I'm sorry, sir?
- You need to apologize.

I just did. (laughter)

- Seriously.
- Yeah, I kind of figured.

Let me just turn on the P.A.

Mm...

(feedback squeals)

Go ahead.

Sorry, Lieutenant Schneeberger.

- Sir.
- Sir.

Throw a "bro" on there for me.

Bro.

(laughs)
One more time, all together.

From the top.

I am sorry,
Lieutenant Schneeberger, sir, bro.

Now everyone understands
their place.

(howls)

(laughs)

Do it with me.

- (howling)
- A little louder?

(howling continues)

I got you the detail.

(cheering)

Be cool, guys.
Act like you've been there.

I've never been there,
but you'd never know it.

I feel like I just made a deal
with the devil.

A handsome devil.

He's like a teacup Adonis.

Will you stop finding him attractive?

- (howls)
- Stop that immediately.

Pete, I know that was hard,
man, but thanks.

You got us into the big time.

New equipment testing.

Mondo Spider, jetpack,
light saber, time travel.

(whispering):
Time travel.

The sky's the limit
now that we're hanging

- with Lieutenant Schneeberger.
- Yup, mmm.

I hate to burst your bubble.

He has no intention
of hanging with you.

Come on.
(phones ringing, chiming)

It's a text from
Lieutenant Schneeberger.

"I hope you can join me tonight
for a feast

at the Seacord Lobster House.
No need for RSVPeesies."

(gasping)

The lingo shows me that
he's got the real common touch.

Real convenient
that I didn't get invited.

(phone chimes)
I'm not gonna answer that.

(camera shutter clicking)

You should be plumbing
my depths.

Ask me about my father.

Crack the Cody coconut.

I don't know
what any of that means.

Oh, for God's sake, son.
At least tell me to work it.

Work it.

We wear so many masks.

(camera shutter clicking)

If we saw our real face
in the mirror,

would we even recognize it?

Work it.

(camera shutter clicking)

I see you snapping pictures.

But I don't see you celebrating
the mystery in every moment.

Hey, Derrick!

Just a normal day.

(whoops)

(Cody clears throat)

Come on, Corporal Hill!

Let's make Whoopi.

I don't want to.

Enjoy your lobster, soldiers.

Butter shot.

- Take a moment with the bouquet.
- I just want to live with you.

(Perez groaning)

Egh.

This whole thing is stupid.

It's all about him showing off how cool
he is, when in actual fact, he sucks.

I'd like to propose a toast
to Lieutenant Schneeberger.

Oh... (chuckles)

Not much of a public
speaker, but, uh,

I am a dope-as-hell rapper.

Ruiz, drop me a beat.

- No.
- Don't need it.

* Lieu to the tenant,
Schnee to the burger *

* Something, something,
something, something *

* Something, something,
something, something *

* Something, something,
something, something *

* Something, something,
something, something *

* Something, something,
something, something *

That was supposed
to be my rap.

Seriously?

* Schnee-burgler! *

Lobster truth, for real!

Ah, yes!

- My apologies.
- No worries.

As long as we are dropping
truth bombs...

(clears throat)
let me hit you with this.

I'm proud of you.

ALL: Aw!

You may not hear that a lot.

- Not once.
- Nope. - Never.

Tomorrow we test revolutionary
equipment

that could change
the face of the military.

And looking around
this table tonight,

I have no doubt that I chose
the right platoon for the job.

(all exclaiming)

So if you'll indulge me.

He said we're his shining stars.

- Shut the heck up!
- Aw! Oh, really?

I did. You deserve it.

Um, I-I have
something to say, too.

- You guys are my shining stars, too.
- Really?

- Come on.
- Wrap it up.

I'm just saying. What makes
the platoon special to me is

the closeness of our bonds,
not the coolness of our toys.

(whooshing)

Net gun!
We're gonna use that tomorrow!

(excited chattering)

- O-M-G.
- It's like this, right?

Pete, can you breathe in that?

Hurry up, we're losing light.

We're inside. The only way to lose
light is if we turn off the lights.

Would you like permission
to yell at me, Corporal?

Very much, Sergeant Major.

Permission granted.

Why are you making me do this?!

I literally missed the best day
in Rear D history

to take a photo
you could've gotten at the mall!

Well, the truth is...

I don't need a photo.

What?

All I was trying to do
was get you excited.

About-about taking weirdly
intimate portraits of you?

About anything!

Let's talk turkey.

You're not a good soldier.

You're useless.

To me and to the Army.

Fairly comprehensive insult.

I've seen slackers come and go,

but I promised your dad
I'd look after you.

Which at the time didn't seem
like such a project.

Be careful
what you promise people!

Okay, how is this helping me?

I had an idea that just maybe

- you could be a photo journalist.
- Why?

Because at one point you used
to like taking pictures.

And you're a know-it-all smart-ass.

That's the journalist part.

And the Army's got newspapers.

That's actually some really good
guidance counseling.

Hmm. Sorry you had to
get into a milk bath.

I'm sorry I had to get out.
(clicks tongue)

Not sure why you're winking.

This goes beyond the Army, son.

What are you gonna do
with your life?

I always thought
I could open a bookstore.

You know? Or a video store.

I'm actually starting
to see your point.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Got to admit

I did actually get
some good stuff.

That's because I can't take
a bad picture.

Well, what about these?

Oh, that's fake.
I mean...

(camera shutter clicks)

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, man, I feel sorry for the sons of
bitches who are painting a wall today.

It'll be waiting for us
when this is over.

Where are these magical weapons
we're supposed to be testing?

Should I do a spider call?

Here, Mondo, Mondo, Mondo!
(mumbling gibberish)

I'm gonna punch you in
the back of the head.

Where's the Mondo Spider?

Oh, you mean the precision machine
that cost $75 million in R&D?

They don't get to touch that.

What? I thought
we were testing weapons.

Oh, we are.

It's a device that emits
concentrated sound waves

that cause intense
abdominal discomfort

and evacuation
of the lower intestine.

Evacuation of the...

Wait, so it's a...?

A poo gun!
That's not real.

Google it.

Oh, my God, it's real!

Yup.

And those dummies are down there

with a belly full of lobster.

(Randy shouting gibberish)

So, the Army's working
on a poo gun?

Well, it's more of a poo ray.

Poo ray!

(laughs) Anyway... it's for non-lethal
crowd control, blah, blah, blah.

- No, but you tricked them!
- Yep.

Oh, I can't wait
to see Sergeant Hill's face

when he realizes
he begged for this.

And when he poops
his pants.

Wait, you're gonna be
down there with them?

Oh, yeah.
(laughs)

(over P.A.): Alpha Company,
in a moment a flag will appear.

Your objective is
to capture that flag.

If you can.
(laughs)

Why is he in the spider?
Is he warming it up for us?

Are you warming it up
for us, sir?

Oh, maybe we get
our own spiders!

Do we get our own spiders, sir?

What is she waving at?

She's saying, "Run.

"Poo.

Gun."

(laughs)
A poo-poo gun.

Oh, God, I thought that
was just a rumor!

It's real!

Oh, God, the images!

Take cover, take cover!

Get down, get down!

Come on, let me shoot you!

Sergeant Hill!

You should've warned us about
Lieutenant Schneeberger!

- I said he was the devil.
- That just made him sound cool.

If I could put my spokesman hat
on one more time.

The platoon is sorry.

I'm sorry.
What's the plan, Pete?

- We've got to get Schneeberger!
- We have to crush him!

Bring him to his Schnees.

(laughs)
That's a good one, huh?

- Can we have the surrender conversation?
- No!

We obviously can't get
the flag without "uh-oh."

- All right, want to get Schneeberger?
- Yes!

It's gonna be messy.

- Who's in?
- I'm in.

ALL: I'm in!

Randy, I need you
to drive the Paint Cart 5000.

And I need you to drive it
like an absolute idiot.

It's the only way I know how.

Hooah!

(grunts)

Here we go.

(grunting)

Yeah, baby!

Stay still!

- Ah, okay.
- Yeah!

(tires squealing)

Steady it!

(grunts)

He's straightening out.
Somebody text him, text him!

You're mine now.

(phone chimes) Oh, hey, Cindy.
On my way with the golf cart.

No!

(tires screech)

What now, Pete?

Now...

- We make...
- History?

You heard what I said.

Oh... okay.

Let's ride!

You're gonna have to get us all!

Whoa, a human shield?

(groaning)

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, crapping!

This is the most beautiful
disgusting thing.

Oh, I've been hit!

But I go down with pride.

Aw, too much lobster.

(groaning)

(distantly):
Get him, Pete!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Okay, okay!
- Say, "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, bro.
- I'm sorry, bro.

I'm still gonna shoot you.

(stomach gurgling)
Oh! Oh, God, it works!

Oh, God, it works so well!

(grunting):
Yes, it does!

Yeah!

(soldiers cheering weakly)

- Yay.
- (groaning)

Guys, that was amazing.

Chubowski,
clutch your stomach again.

Park, keep writhing.

Derrick, where were you?

Sorry, guys,
I am a photo journalist now.

Believe me,
it was hard to stay neutral.

(camera shutter clicking)

Outgunned and defenseless,
the brave men and women

of Alpha Company piled
onto a golf cart

and hurled themselves
headlong into the path

of a weapon
that knew not mercy.

A great deal came out
of them that day.

But the most surprising thing
was courage.

Sync and corrections by brayanatsix
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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