Original subtitles

Hey, who buys pickled eggs these days?

Is it the theater crowd looking for, like, a quick bite

on the way to the opera?

It's mostly alcoholics.

Can I have, like, a dozen, then?

(Chuckles)

Derrick: Oh, God.

It's... headstand season. Excuse me.

Hey, ladies, I'm Randy.

Want to see me do a headstand?

You can put... your beers on my feet.

Derrick: No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, ladies. I'm sorry.

I'm his primary caregiver, Derrick.

That's my brother, not my... oh, head rush.

- How's it going? - Derrick: Hi. It's not often

we let him out of his cage, so this is a big deal for him.

Yo.

- Hey there. - Oh!

Bet you're kind of fired up for this AFO show.

"Entertainment TBD."

I saw the Foo Fighters in Kandahar once.

Had a little connection with Dave Grohl.

- You met him? - No, but he saw me in the crowd. He gave me one of these.

Oh. Game recognizes game.

Rear D doesn't really draw the big names.

Oh, sweet, dude, TBD's playing, man.

What's their big song again?

Oh, you know, TBD's song. It's like...

(Humming) Then you go...

- Higher take it.

- (Humming)

Then you take it down low

- back down low

- Yeah, yeah.

That's right, dude. You found it in the end. By the way...

You owe me a beer for saving you back there, okay?

What did you save him from?

Uh, well, he was doing a headstand in a bar,

and he's not nine.

I don't know. Looked like a team to me.

Randy breaks the ice, you drive the ship home.

No, that's not how it goes, ok? We're not a team.

That's a beautiful theory, Jill. I'm gonna sit with it. Thanks.

- Do Pete for me. - Ooh... it's harder to peg Pete's vibe.

It's buried under a dense fog of narcissism

- and cologne. - Let me break it down for you:

Strong and silent with arms that can save you from a fire

or wrap you in an embrace that can start one.

Ew. Don't wink at me. You're like my brother.

Not looking for a sister, Jillybean.

Unless you're looking for a little... brotherly love.

- You really want to take that last one back, don't you? Yeah. - So bad.

Cody: The army is filled with troops on heroic missions,

and then there's us.

We take care of things at home.

We are the rear detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

So, I'm still working on the AFO talent booking.

Do you think your troops would like Kid 'n Play?

I don't know who that is, so yes.

You may not be aware, but I've been known to favor

the AFO crowd with a song or two myself.

I enjoy it. And I know my troops do.

Sergeant Major Cody sings a song every year.

Every year. Like taxes.

Or Christmas.

Or a seasonal flu.

Or like a Halloween, but you're, like,

eight years old and your dad's drunk again...

This isn't over.

At ease. Carry on.

Everyone, this is our AFO director, Jeanie Rotonto.

Pete Hill?

- Jeanie... - You guys know each other?

Awesome. I mean, you seem like a nice lady.

Pete's obviously the best.

How are you?

Not great, Pete.

Not after what you did to me.

(Others oohing)

You guys, let's give 'em some space, okay?

Do not take this away from me.

Cool your jets, Sergeant Perez. I want to see

if Sergeant Hill can pull his beans out of the fire.

We were dating, and then you got deployed and never called,

wrote, e-mailed or contacted me in any way.

You just bailed.

Ma'am, this does not sound like Pete.

It was probably some other good-looking soldier.

You put me through two years of hell.

Do you know how much Adele I had to listen to?

What could you possibly have to say for yourself?

(Beep)

I was in Afghanistan?

(Others groan, hiss)

You can't Afghanistan a relationship.

You'd be surprised what you can Afghanistan.

(Siren whoops)

Sorry, Officer. It's just that...

there weren't any speed limits in Afghanistan.

Afghanistan?

Yeah.

Out. That's in. It hit the edge.

I was in Afghanistan.

- In. - In!

So in.

I'm not proud, but it works.

Perez: Okay, help me out here, Pete.

So, this girl seems like a great girl,

and, at one point, she was actually willing to tolerate

your company. Why would you walk away from that?

- She was a good kid. - (Mimics retching)

- She wanted to settle down. I didn't. - Of course not.

You've got another...

30, 40 years of acting like you're in your 20s.

Hooah. Don't encourage.

Why wouldn't you just break up with her?

You mean like, "boom, it's over"?

- Yes. - I'm a... I'm a fade-out guy.

- Huh? - I'm like a classic rock song.

We have some fun, nice groove...

- Wow. - Maybe a tasty guitar solo,

and then I start a nice,

slow fade-out. You don't even know

it's over until you're halfway into the next song.

Jeanie noticed. As I'm sure any woman with a pulse would.

No, no, no. See, we never had to worry about that.

Because we were all army brats.

And since we changed posts

practically every year, it allowed DJ Fade-Out here

to perfect his signature move. Mmm...

So long, Sally.

I'll write you every day, Pete!

So long, Megan.

I'll page you every day, Pete!

Auf wiedersehen, Inga.

_

And they all lived happily ever after. I assume.

Common decency tells me that you need to apologize to this girl.

She is no Saint, either.

The second I got there, she started with the writing

and the e-mails and the texting,

and then here come the care packages

and... wow,

I sound like a monster. I'll apologize.

Bro, Jill was right about us.

I'm researching animal facts with my wildlife index cards...

Randy, you've had those since you were eight, okay?

When are you gonna get rid of 'em, pal?

Never. A lot of this knowledge

hasn't made it to the Internet yet.

When Pete was around, we were like bonobos.

- Bonobos. Okay. - Yes.

We lived together. We sought food together.

There's also a bunch of weird hypersexual behavior

with bonobos that doesn't really apply...

Where you going with this, and how can I go the other way?

When Pete left, our dynamic changed.

We evolved

to the hippo...

and the oxpecker.

That's not how evolution works.

I say teach the controversy.

- What? - Yes.

There's no denying how well this hippo

and this bird work together.

You know, I... I get it. The bird eats from the hippo's teeth.

- It gets free food. The hippo gets free dental. - Teeth. Food. Free dental. Yes.

In the scientific community, we call it symbiosis.

Sym-bi-o-sis.

I know what it is, but I don't benefit from you, okay?

I save you from you. I make the girls feel okay

about your ridiculous headstand routine.

I'm the hippo. You're the bird.

It's science.

- It's a free set of cards from the zoo. - Fine.

Maybe it's time for this bird to fly solo.

You just said you were the hippo.

Maybe it's time...

for this hippo to fly solo.

Hi.

Hi. Okay.

We're working backwards. Hi. I'm Jill.

What you did for me was so sweet.

I'm glad you liked it. What did I do?

Pete told me you're the reason he apologized.

Someone had to teach him some manners, right? (Chuckles)

And now you can get on with your life.

(Sighs) Yes, we can.

Wait, what?

We got back together. (Chuckles)

(Aahing)

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you.

Yes, Jill. Thank you for making this happen.

Yeah. Mmm.

Hey, Randy, hand me the wrench.

Sorry, solo hippos don't help out solo birds.

I'm not even sure solo hippos help out other solo hippos.

Hippos are mean.

The card says.

Cody: Privates,

a word.

- It was dead when we found it. - What?

What?

Never mind that. Look, this is a focus group.

Regarding my singing at the AFO shows,

how satisfied are you with my performance?

One, extremely satisfied, two...

- (Others clamoring positively) - Hey! This is a no-bull zone.

You have my permission to speak freely.

Well, when you do the same thing

every year, people start to expect it.

Like birthday husband stuff.

Predictability is a performer's worst enemy.

Makes it so damn hard to take an audience's breath away.

How do I... freshen my act?

My aunt has a housecat

that she paints like a zebra.

It's very aggressive with people.

Sergeant Major, have you ever watched American Idol?

Still remember where I was

the night Miss Kelly Clarkson won her title.

What was Kelly's story again?

Simple girl from Burleson, Texas.

House burnt down,

not a dime to her name, but she overcame

every obstacle to give the performance of a lifetime.

That's what you need to do.

I'll torch your house for ten percent of the insurance money.

I need to get the audience to invest in my narrative.

- Share in my struggles. - I've struggled.

I was born in a labor camp.

Not now, Private Park. Uh...

Be in my office at 0900.

Bring your imaginations

and a sense of wonder.

Yes, Sergeant Major!

I have no idea what we're doing.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I told you to apologize, not get back together.

It's gonna be okay.

She's about to go to Kuwait with the AFO,

and then we... fade out.

And then what happens when she comes back from Kuwait?

Who knows where I'll be then? (Laughs)

- Everyone but you, Pete. - Huh?

Your post-hoping days are over.

And you can't... fade out

if you're not going anywhere.

Oh, I need to sit down.

You are sitting down.

I need to sit down more.

What am I supposed to do here?

Two options: Commit to Jeanie...

Nope.

Or you're a decent human being

and tell her how you feel.

Hmm...

Yeah, I'm feeling like there's a third option.

(Phone chimes)

She just booked us at a B&B in Vermont

for leaf-peeping, fall of 2015.

Oh, God.

Walk me through this "decent human being" thing.

Okay, troops,

I want that audience in the palm of my hand.

Make me Kelly Clarkson.

Well, you've milked that fake foot thing for all it's worth.

- What other body parts are you willing to lose? - You're done.

At the labor camp,

when they separated me from my mother...

That sounds like a lot of you and not much me.

Uh... give me something good!

It was a cold winter's day.

Your mother is supposed to drop you off

at your voice lessons, but she doesn't show,

- because they're putting your dog down... - Too long.

- You beat cancer. - That's too short.

- Can I give it another shot, Sergeant Major? - No!

Well, just because I came from nothing

doesn't mean I don't have something to say.

I will burn your house down

- for only five percent of the insurance money. - No.

- Three. - No.

It may be too late to call it off.

Sergeant Major, who's this?

Oh, that's my daughter.

Love of my life.

(Aahing)

I think we got ourselves a narrative.

Private Gumble, roll that tape.

Say she's adopted.

It's a better twist.

Two beers, guys?

Yes, but we're not together,

because Derrick won't acknowledge

that he's a bird and I'm a hippo

so it's solo hippo patrol up in this mamma jamma! Whoa.

We were bonobos.

Now we're no-more-bros.

Think about it. It works.

Do I need to cut him off?

Wouldn't make a difference.

There's no stopping this train wreck.

Derrick: There he goes.

- They're laughing. - At him.

(Randy singing) Derrick: I can't watch.

They don't seem to mind.

- Give them time. - Randy: Yep, put it right on there.

Give them more time.

Maybe he's not the Hill brother who needs help.

- Are you kidding? - Let's, um,

see what you got. (Clicks tongue)

(Scoffs) No.

(Clucking like a chicken)

What are you doing?

- That's a chicken. - That is not a chicken.

- You would know. - You know what? I'm gonna do it.

Okay, quick thought.

You're kind of sarcastic... women hate that.

- They do? - Also, I noticed you never smile.

Try to work one in. Give me a big smile.

Oh, my God. Lose the smile.

- Now it's creepy. - Okay.

Split the difference.

Go. Perfect.

(Exhales)

Hi.

Hi. I see you like... wearing jeans.

I do, too. (Chuckles)

Not always.

(Randy singing)

Wow.

Randy: helicopter, be like me, I'm a helicopter

my name's Randy, whoo!

Oh, yeah, it's the Idiot-Tron 4000.

It's a prototype. He's a soft launch.

- (Laughs) Friend of yours? - Well, he's...

No. We don't need that guy.

All right? Forget that guy.

We got this.

Okay, breaking up is actually pretty simple.

She may get desperate, and desperate women are not afraid

to use tricks to keep their men.

Show me what you got.

I'm her; you're you.

Go.

Okay, uh, let's see. (Clears throat)

- Uh, Jeanie... - Uh-huh?

I've been thinking about us.

Mm, I've been thinking, too.

About what we're gonna do tonight.

All the things I've been afraid to try.

- Oh, yeah? - Tricks, Pete! I told you

there'd be tricks, right?

Try this again.

Look, you are a great person, oh...

But I just don't have feelings for you.

Is that because you feel unworthy of a great person,

or are you just placating me?

- What? Huh? What? - Huh?

She's not gonna come back with something so complicated, all right?

- She's not an evil wizard. - You don't know that.

Really?

(Sobbing): What if no one ever loves me?

- Hey, hey, I gotcha. - I'm gonna stop you right there. Do you know what you did?

- Was it the hug? - Classic mixed message.

Unless it's your grandma, a hug is never totally platonic.

- I'm doomed. - Let's try this another way.

I'm you; You're her.

(Exhales) And...

Jeanie, it's over.

(Quietly): Come on.

But I still love you.

Love is just an illusion that distracts us

from the fact that we all die alone.

Get your stuff out of my apartment by noon tomorrow,

or it goes to goodwill. I've already blocked you

from every social media site I'm on.

Don't make me change my number.

Ouch.

(Whispers): Yeah. Yeah.

(Reggaeton playing) This was my parents' wedding song.

- Really? - No.

Why would you say that, then?

Because I'm a sarcastic bastard with one move.

- Later, drunkie. - You're a drunkie.

Shall I, uh... rope off a VIP area

for you and a few select lady friends?

- Randy: Let's get out of here. - He's leaving with them?

Give me a shot of bourbon. I got an idea. I don't need Randy to play off of.

I can be my own idiot brother, and I can make fun of myself.

Ah, that sounds like a great idea.

Hey! Ladies!

Still want to see me do a headstand?

How drunk are you?

Drunk enough to do this.

(Groans)

How'd it go?

- Jeanie... - Yeah?

I am not in love with you, and this relationship is over.

Can I still sext you?

- Have some self-respect? - You're being mean.

- I am being honest. - I think I'm gonna cry. (Sobs)

Say it.

Your tears aren't my problem anymore, and neither are you.

- Good-bye. - God, I'm good!

Nice!

Now, is there any wiggle room on the sexting thing?

- None. Never. - Right. Yeah, I get it.

Pete: Man, she looks so hot.

Bet I know what bra she's wearing, too.

Pete: What if she's the one?

- (Groans) - Get it together, all right?

Oh, Private Hill. (Clears throat)

Do you know where I can get some hot water and lemon?

Hot water and lemon?!

Did you wake up today with no voice, Sergeant Major?

But you were gonna sing tonight.

How will you ever overcome this hurdle?!

Shh.

I may not be able to.

So say your prayers for me, okay?

I do every night.

(Clears throat) I wouldn't want the crowd

to get swept up in my personal drama,

so you, uh...

you keep it to yourself.

- Okay. - Pass it on.

Hi...

What are you doing here?

Well, as a millionaire, it's hard to stay grounded.

Working three jobs helps me keep it real.

I'd offer you a bourbon, but we're not serving alcohol.

No, that's very good.

I, uh... I learned two things last night:

One is that bourbon is not "good idea juice,"

- Oh. - And two is that I have no game.

(Chuckles)

Not everybody likes games.

What does that mean?

Well, last night,

I watched you fail miserably doing something

most bar jerks do really well.

Kind of makes me think maybe you're not a jerk.

(Laughs) Minority opinion around here.

Prove me wrong.

You don't know that that's not fake.

Derrick. You look well.

Better than when I came home this morning.

You know you threw up in your hamper?

I know. I saw the image you posted online.

You could've "liked" it.

Look, Randy, um, I was obviously wrong

about what I said, okay?

I need you more than you need me.

You mean that, Derrick?

As long as there will be no follow-up questions, then yes.

Copy.

- I saw you get that girl's number without me. - Yeah.

Congrats.

Dude, you got spinach in your teeth.

- Come here. - Mm-hmm.

You're grooming me.

Hippo and bird! Hippo and bird!

This moment is over!

Thank you. Before we bring out Kid 'n Play,

I'd like to direct your attention to the screens.

Ryan Seacrest: Command Sergeant Major Donald Cody is a decorated war hero

with 25 years of army service.

But while he did his duty,

he never turned his back on his passion for singing.

I had no idea I could sing until the day my daughter was born.

The moment I laid eyes on her, I sang with joy.

- Does he actually think this is gonna work? - He's so tender.

Seacrest: But then the Sergeant Major got a diagnosis

that turned his purple heart blue.

(Thunderclap)

When the doctor told me that I might not be able to sing,

well...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could you...

Turn the camera off?

When I told him it was vocal nodes,

he said, "what can I do?"

My answer...

"Pray."

I asked my maker for one more chance to share my gift.

I don't know if he heard my prayer.

(Horn fanfare plays)

Do you believe in miracles?!

(All cheer)

O beautiful

for spacious skies

for Amber waves of grain

(sobbing)

For purple mountain majesties

Look at 'em, they're so majestic.

America, America

That's your land and mine...

Wow.

I gotta say you look amazing.

(Hushed): You don't gotta say that.

I mean, hmm, can we talk?

We can do more than that.

Jeannie, I don't want to pick up where we left off.

I... I should've broke up with you two years ago,

but... but I chickened out because I didn't want to hurt you.

I was selfish and dumb, and... I'm sorry.

Well, I... I'm stunned,

but at least you're honest with me.

Wait... did she put you up to this?

- No, she said to be way harsher. - Hey.

No, I did not put him up to this.

She just made it clear that I needed to break up with you.

No, he was gonna let you go off to Kuwait

and give you the fade-out.

- Mm-hmm, fade-out. - Who are you?!

Are you trying to steal him away from me?

Ew! No! I have zero interest in him.

I have self-esteem.

Not that you don't. Pete, talk!

- She's the reason I broke up with you. - Stop talking!

Why do you care so much about his love life?

He...

was in Afghanistan.

Cody: This night of miracles is not over.

Together for the first time since late December, 2011,

Kid 'n Play!

What's up, Captain, what's up?

Kid 'n Play want to have a house party, y'all

Kid 'n Play want to have a house party

whoop-whoop!

Yeah!

All right, she told me not to do this,

but come on in where it's warm.

Come on. (Grunts)

Onlookers: Ooh... !

Looks like a kerfuffle's stealing focus.

I gotta save this show.

What's up?

Hey, just follow my lead.

Yo-yo-yo!

O beautiful

for spacious skies

for amber waves of grain

for purple mountain majesties...

Oh! It's pretty cool you can use these for bloody noses.

- Yeah. - And if I understand the ads correctly,

I can swim with it, too?

Sadly, I think that's all you've learned today.

Oh, no, no, you were right.

I should've listened to you from the beginning.

Listen, you know how you say you hate me

and that I disgust you and that the thought

of being with me makes you physically ill?

- Sure. - Well, the only people

that talk to me like that are my brothers.

- So... - Hmm.

I don't know, I guess that makes you my, uh...

Your sister.

Well, I was gonna say "female brother,"

but don't listen to me, I lost a lot of blood.

- Anyway, thanks for helping me out. - (Chuckles)

I told you no hugs!

I'm not your grandma, idiot!

- Oh! - Sisters are weird.

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