Original subtitles

Let's show them a back-to-back stack'n'jack.

- Aah! - It's okay, buddy!

Why don't you just tell us what happened?

Aah!

I just want you to know, didn't say anything.

- Okay, whatever. - I know everything.

(gunshot) We're gonna brain drain him.

- Marshall Chris. - Just a second.

"Okay, Chris!"

They're called Ap'p'pals.

Back-to-back stack'n'jack.

Oh!

Chris, you made me an Ap'p'pal.

- Yeah. - "Tidal wave!"

(vomits)

Son of a bitch.

- I saw Chris kill Brett. - Run!

You are hereby stripped of your status as a U.S. Marshal.

(motor whirring)

(choking)

Chris.

Wait a second. I didn't write this.

Susie, it's Chris. I got set up.

There aren't any blades in here.

So Brett wasn't killed at all.

He might still be alive.

(machine-gun fire)

Aah! Run!

See you soon, Chrissy.

The U.S. Marshal Service was started by a secret cabal -- the Ancients.

Five Chosen Ones. "The Project."

Brett was one of the Chosen Ones.

Welcome to Shineytown, folks.

(zapping)

Shoe... me.

Brett's dead. Brett's not really dead.

The ancients took him... to Kartuuk.

Find Mobley. Finish this thing already.

Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com

Oh. (scoffs)

Chris, what are we even looking for?

I don't know. Fred... Somebody?

I don't know. It's been too long.

I can't do this.

I'm so tired, I just want to lay down and be dead for a little while.

I am so hungry.

Well, I got this.

Is that the dinner roll you found in the wood chipper?

We could split it.

No, that's been in your pocket for like 15 years.

- Hey -- Oh! - Mmm. Oh.

(stomach rumbles)

Oh. Oh, boy.

Aaaaaaah!

Okay. That was not a keeper.

Chris... Look.

(bell jingles)

Listen up, lady.

We have spent years roaming this Earth,

we have given up our lives

looking for our friend Brett Mobley.

Now I'm only gonna ask you once --

- where is he? - Level three.

Okay.

(elevator bell dings)

What the hell?

Woop. Hold it.

- Sugalski. - Chris.

Susan, grab my head shaver.

I'm about to go Romper Stomper on this mother...

Hang on.

I might as well tell you the truth. You're too late to stop it now.

First off, I'm sorry we took Brett,

but he was needed for a higher purpose.

- The "Project"? - That's right -- the Project.

Thousands of years ago, it was prophesized that

there would be five "Chosen Ones."

The Ancients started the Marshal Service

in order to find these Chosen Ones,

and we've been collecting these Chosen Ones ever since.

We had four Chosen Ones.

Brett was the fifth. Chosen one.

But... What is the Project?

Oh, you're just in time to see it.

The Project.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh, my God. Chris, look.

- Hey, buddies! - Brett!

Hey, check out my new rock friend.

He is giving me the coolest back massage.

Ooh, ooh!

Aah!

No! No, stop!

- What's happening? - Soul suck!

(chosen ones screaming)

- Oh, my God. - It's beautiful.

(up-tempo music plays)

Huh?

Okay, who got pink goop all over my yoga mat?

Yoga mat? My bad.

I thought you said it was a yo-gurt mat.

(studio audience laughs) Um, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing.

Note to self -- invent yogurt mat after you strike it rich

with the pizza pillow.

What does that even mean?

It gives your dreams extra sausage,

instead of extra naked Bryant Gumbels.

Um, you went there.

Why are you doing this?

Distraction, Chris.

We have to keep the masses appeased, or else, chaos.

And you guys wrote this?

Well, there is a script,

but we just use it as a jumping-off point.

We'll shoot a few takes as written

and then kind of mess around a little bit.

Guys, Valentine's Day is tomorrow,

and you promised you'd help with my match.com profile!

And someone needs to light a match dot com

in the bathroom dot stink.

(studio audience groans)

Where's that sound coming from?

This sucks! (crowd booing)

(up-tempo music plays)

So, that's it?

Uuh, we've decided to pull it for retooling.

This sucks!

You took Brett away from us for that?

You killed him for nothing.

That sucked!

Let's trash this planet!

(all shouting)

Great. Your little garbage sky show

pissed everybody off so much they want to destroy the world.

What are we gonna do here? Think. What do we got? Uh...

(explosion)

Oh! Do you still have those dumbass apples?

- Why? - Use them!

What? No! You told me they were stupid!

No, no, no, they're great! Do your dumb show!

- Really? - Yeah!

Okay, I believe in you.

Okay. All right. Go do it.

Marshmallows! Marshmallows! Marshmallows!

Purpose, then believing

"Hey, everyone's real mad

"and they want to destroy the world."

"Oh, what should we do?"

"Use your dumb apples!"

"Really?"

"I believe in you, you stupid dunce!"

"Oh! Thank you!"

This sucks!

Booooooo!

"Oh, that makes me sad!"

Yeah, but it's so bad, it's... good!

"Hey, how are you doing?"

"Hey, you're a dummy!"

It's so bad, it's good!

(cheers and applause)

Susie! Susie! You did it!

You saved the planet

with your stupid, dumb, weird, rotten things.

They love it!

- They like it ironically. - So who cares? They're all idiots.

I'm proud of you.

But I'm afraid this is farewell.

What? No!

Yeah, I have to go avenge our fallen friend Brett.

- Well, let me go with you. - No.

Y-you belong here,

doing your show for the world to live-snark.

I'm gonna go make some blood.

Au revoir.

Oh. Okay.

Goodbye, Chris.

"Hey, Susie, bye-bye."

...just taking the same elements that we have.

Hey, Chris.

Me and the other Ancients are gonna do a little note sesh

on the skylet if you want to stick around or...

You're an ancient?

Yeah.

You never wondered why I always wear my hat so low?

(chuckles)

You're gonna die bad.

As bad as your friend Quint?

You killed Quint?

And Grint.

- Okay, I'm sorry. Who? - Long story.

But it ends with me killing Quint.

And Grint.

Say hello to my size-12 Buster Brains.

Ohh!

Go ahead. Do it, Chris.

But you'll never get past the others.

You'll never get to the head hon...

Ohh! ...cho,

Chris.

(bones crack)

(dramatic music plays)

(elevator bell dings)

(gun cocks) (gun cocks)

Aah!

Oh, damn it! I'm blind!

Oh, God. Uh... (gun cocks)

Ah! Okay. Uh...

Come on, come on.

Und nun,

wir spielen.

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

Aah! (breathing heavily)

Okay, Honch, I found you.

No more searching, no more questions.

It's just kill time now.

How terrible is wisdom

when it brings no profit to the wise, Chris?

Do wha?

(chuckles)

Oh, buddy...

we've been through this so many times before.

I have been here before

How long...

You don't remember, do you?

You never remember.

- Remember what? - This, you and me...

This dance we do.

We've been doing it for thousands of years, Chrissy.

We'll do it for thousands more.

I mess around with you until I get bored.

I leave. You come and find me.

We have this talk. And then we do it

all.. over...

again.

- Are you, um, the d...? - Yeah.

- Why did you pick me? - Well,

it's fun being the devil, but...

you still got to live in Hell. I'm stuck here, too.

You're good to play with.

- You make me laugh. - Ugh. Oh, no.

Ugh. Okay. Well, how does this end?

Shh. Ahhhhhhh.

Marshals, Ancient Rome, the Future, Nazi Germany,

the Wild West, and Grab Bag.

I'll be that cab driver you can't stand.

I'll be that annoying robot that won't scram

and let you just enjoy a good old space beer.

I'll be that idiot son you wish you never had.

Wherever you are...

I'll be there.

Okay.

All right. I'm ready.

There's just one thing.

Hmm?

You're going for a little ride.

And I hope you packed your lags.

Ohh.

You lagged me.

- Mm. - When?

It's been a little pet project of mine, Brett --

little stab here, little slice here,

little cut there.

(laughs)

Sweetheart, I have been scoring you for years.

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Hmm. (breathes deeply) Okay.

(choking)

(motor whirring)

(breathing heavily)

(instruments tuning)

Ladies and gentleman, let me lay on you

a so-so U.S. Marshal, not much of a humanitarian,

and this cat was never nobody's friend.

In his final appearance on the great stage of life,

Mr. Chris Monsanto!

(rock music plays)

(organ playing)

Bye-bye, life

(flute playing)

Bye bye, happiness

(flute playing)

Hello, loneliness

(flute playing)

I think I'm gonna die

(laughs)

I think I'm gonna die

(tempo increases)

Bye-bye, love

Bye-bye, sweet caress

Hello, emptiness I feel like I could die

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

Bye-bye, my life, goodbye

- Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

(music continues)

Unh

Unh

Unh

Unh

Bye-bye, life

Bye-bye, happiness

Hello, loneliness

I think I'm gonna die

I think he's gonna die

I think he's gonna die

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

- Bye-bye, my life, goodbye - Hyah!

- Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

Don't deny it! Hallelujah!

(cheers and applause)

Oh! Give it to me!

Oh! Give it to me!

Bye, bye, bye, bye

Bye-bye, happiness

Hello, hello

I think he's gonna die

I think he's gonna die

(both) La la la la la la, la la la

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

(both) La la la la la la, la la la

I think he's gonna die

(both) la la la la la la

Bye-bye

(fingers click)

My life

Oh, yeah!

Goodb-y-y-y-y-ye

(beeping)

(finale plays) (cheers and applause)

(beeping continues)

(upbeat music plays)

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Hyah!

- Bye-bye, your life, goodbye - Thank you.

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye

Don't deny it. Hallelu--

(motor whirring)

(pounding on door)

(door opens)

(upbeat music plays)

Mm

Kerplump!

Baby

Christmas is sooner

So much sooner

Sooner than you think

Yeah, baby

It will be here in a blink

Well, Christmas is sooner than you think

Mm

Decorate your house with the lights

There's Christmas cards to write

Knock yourself a Christmas tree

And the mistletoe for you and me

Unh!

Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0