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Chris: He's got
us pinned down.
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00:00:02,489 --> 00:00:06,290
I guess tonight we're gonna be in
heaven partying with Hume Cronyn...
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00:00:06,292 --> 00:00:08,959
Or in hell playing grab-ass
with Jessica Tandy.
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00:00:08,961 --> 00:00:10,928
Brett: I don't know
who those people are.
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00:00:10,930 --> 00:00:12,829
Susie: Here he comes!
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00:00:12,831 --> 00:00:15,031
Yaah!
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00:00:24,247 --> 00:00:26,416
This ends now, damn it!
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00:00:34,797 --> 00:00:36,832
[ Bell rings ]
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00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:38,101
Good exercise, gang.
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00:00:38,103 --> 00:00:39,836
I'm seeing a lot
of improvement.
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00:00:39,838 --> 00:00:41,572
Chris: Oh, thanks, Cappy.
12
00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:43,941
Get this piece of
trash out of here.
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00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:45,042
Chris: That was fun.
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00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:45,876
You guys okay?
15
00:00:45,878 --> 00:00:46,778
Both: Yeah.
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00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,013
Chris: All right, good.
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00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,282
Hi.
18
00:00:49,284 --> 00:00:53,220
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal, and
what you just saw was one of the exciting
19
00:00:53,222 --> 00:00:57,558
practice drills we perform here
in the marshals office every day.
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00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,696
If you like excitement, danger,
and the pride you get from
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00:01:00,698 --> 00:01:03,199
serving your country,
well, then, stay tuned.
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00:01:03,201 --> 00:01:06,537
You might just have what it
takes to have a career in the
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00:01:06,539 --> 00:01:09,374
United States Marshals Services.
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00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,692
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:23,956 --> 00:01:25,923
[ Machine-gun fire ]
26
00:01:25,925 --> 00:01:29,093
You know, people often come up
to me and ask, "Hey, Chris,
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00:01:29,095 --> 00:01:31,929
what's your favorite part
about being a U.S. Marshal?"
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00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:35,299
By then, of course, I have the purell out
and I'm hauling ass down the street.
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00:01:35,301 --> 00:01:40,004
[ Laughs ]
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00:01:40,072 --> 00:01:43,208
But, seriously, uh...
You know, if I had to pick one,
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00:01:43,210 --> 00:01:46,579
I'd have to say it's the amazing
fighting moves I've mastered
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00:01:46,581 --> 00:01:51,851
over the years, moves that you can learn,
too, like the "Pleased To Meet Me."
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00:01:51,853 --> 00:01:54,654
Oh, what a supple,
soft hand I have.
34
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:58,558
I must use palmolive... or guts!
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00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,661
The "Bearer Of Dead News."
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00:02:00,663 --> 00:02:02,796
Have you seen this
autopsy report?
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00:02:02,798 --> 00:02:05,098
Says you were
strangled to death.
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00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,633
[ Gunshot ]
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00:02:06,635 --> 00:02:07,634
[ Body thuds ]
40
00:02:07,636 --> 00:02:09,903
But, of course, these
reports can often be wrong.
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00:02:09,905 --> 00:02:11,571
"Leapfrog."
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00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:19,713
And the "Death Punch."
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00:02:19,715 --> 00:02:21,916
Aah!
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00:02:24,286 --> 00:02:27,121
Plus, moves too shocking to
show in this video, like the
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00:02:27,123 --> 00:02:32,228
"Baltimore Forklift"...
The "Reverse Bar Mitzvah"... and the dreaded
46
00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:34,063
"Bananas Foster."
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00:02:34,065 --> 00:02:40,069
And now I'd like to introduce two very
special people-- My subordinates.
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00:02:42,606 --> 00:02:44,540
[ Machine-gun fire ]
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00:02:44,542 --> 00:02:48,111
Brett: Hi. I'm Marshal Brett Mobley, and--
Susie: Hi. I'm Marshal
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00:02:48,113 --> 00:02:51,147
Susie Wagner, and I'm here to
tell you what a great place the
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00:02:51,149 --> 00:02:52,715
marshals service is for women.
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00:02:52,717 --> 00:02:56,252
Here, men and women are treated
equally, and it's getting more
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00:02:56,254 --> 00:02:58,088
equal all the time.
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00:02:58,189 --> 00:03:00,891
For instance, the amount of
words a female marshal is
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00:03:00,893 --> 00:03:05,529
allowed to say per month
just went from 200 to 445.
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00:03:05,531 --> 00:03:08,866
And now, with rollover words,
whatever I don't say in one
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00:03:08,868 --> 00:03:10,701
month carries over to the next.
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00:03:10,703 --> 00:03:12,603
Am I choosing mine carefully?
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00:03:12,605 --> 00:03:16,440
Well, let's just
say-- [ Buzzer ]
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00:03:23,616 --> 00:03:25,784
[ Telephone ringing ]
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00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:38,064
Announcer: Being a United
States Marshal is tough.
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00:03:38,066 --> 00:03:41,033
It requires extreme focus,
intensity, and alertness.
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00:03:41,035 --> 00:03:43,069
Not everyone has what it takes.
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00:03:43,071 --> 00:03:46,306
But now you can,
with Marshal Boost.
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00:03:46,308 --> 00:03:49,342
Marshal Boost is a partially
natural supplement that gives
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00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:52,246
Marshals the energy they
need to get the job done.
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00:03:52,248 --> 00:03:53,614
Chris: It's Marshal time!
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00:03:53,616 --> 00:03:54,682
[ Alarm ringing ]
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00:03:54,684 --> 00:03:56,884
Susie: Marshal Boost is a
lady Marshal's best friend.
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00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:57,685
[ Snorting ]
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00:03:57,687 --> 00:04:01,155
It keeps me alert and focused,
but, most importantly, it helps
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00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:05,492
control my mid-morning, lunchtime,
and dinnertime hunger pains.
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00:04:05,494 --> 00:04:09,229
Brett: If it wasn't for Marshal Boost,
a guy like me might turn to drugs.
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00:04:09,231 --> 00:04:12,966
Plus, it's completely safe!
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00:04:12,968 --> 00:04:15,635
[ Snorting ]
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00:04:15,637 --> 00:04:16,703
[ Gasps ]
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00:04:16,705 --> 00:04:18,238
Ohh!
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00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,139
[ Gasps ]
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00:04:19,141 --> 00:04:22,042
Aaaah! Aah, aah, aah!!
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00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:22,943
Aaaaaaaah!
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00:04:22,945 --> 00:04:25,045
Eeeeeeeeee! Aaaaaah!
82
00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:26,680
Aaah! Aaah!
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00:04:26,682 --> 00:04:30,750
[ Distorted screaming ]
84
00:04:30,752 --> 00:04:31,851
[ Breathes deeply ]
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00:04:31,853 --> 00:04:33,586
It's real.
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00:04:33,588 --> 00:04:36,222
It's so real.
87
00:04:36,224 --> 00:04:38,992
It's [Bleep] beautiful.
88
00:04:38,994 --> 00:04:40,026
Announcer: Marshal Boost.
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00:04:40,028 --> 00:04:43,229
The Marshal's secret
weapon for over 20 years.
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00:04:43,231 --> 00:04:45,799
Side effects include loss of
appetite, irritability, and
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00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:47,133
uncontrollable facial tics.
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00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:50,303
Chris: [ Tongue clucking ]
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00:04:55,976 --> 00:04:57,477
Nyuh! [ Laughs ]
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00:04:59,213 --> 00:05:02,114
If you become a Marshal, you can
follow in my footsteps, all the
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00:05:02,116 --> 00:05:04,183
way to Tinselwood.
96
00:05:05,051 --> 00:05:07,119
[ Machine-gun fire ]
97
00:05:07,121 --> 00:05:08,020
That's right.
98
00:05:08,022 --> 00:05:11,222
You know, a few years ago, some
Tinselwood bigwigs took notice
99
00:05:11,224 --> 00:05:14,492
of my amazing exploits and cast
me in the fictional role of
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00:05:14,494 --> 00:05:18,964
Texas Ranger Chet Mason in the
syndicated series "Honor Thy Marshal."
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00:05:18,966 --> 00:05:20,633
I had some
reservations at first.
102
00:05:20,635 --> 00:05:24,637
For one, I didn't think my marshaling
skills would translate to rangering.
103
00:05:24,639 --> 00:05:26,773
And, also, I thought it was
a little confusing that my
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00:05:26,775 --> 00:05:29,076
character was a ranger since the
title of the show had the word
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00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:29,910
"Marshal" in it.
106
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:33,748
Anyway, here's some
clips, so enjoy it.
107
00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,751
You'll never stop us, Mason.
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00:05:37,753 --> 00:05:38,819
Maybe not.
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00:05:38,821 --> 00:05:40,754
But I have a friend who will.
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00:05:40,756 --> 00:05:42,523
[ Squawking ]
111
00:05:42,525 --> 00:05:44,625
[ Eagle screeching ]
112
00:05:44,627 --> 00:05:46,826
Aah! Aah! Aah!
113
00:05:46,828 --> 00:05:50,096
Aah! Aah!
114
00:05:50,098 --> 00:05:50,730
Aah!
115
00:05:50,732 --> 00:05:52,098
Please help me, Jesus!
116
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,966
Aah! Aah!
117
00:05:53,968 --> 00:05:56,002
"Help me, Jesus"?
118
00:05:56,004 --> 00:05:57,970
Too little too late, pal.
119
00:05:57,972 --> 00:05:59,172
Nice, bro.
120
00:05:59,174 --> 00:06:00,807
Yeah.
121
00:06:00,809 --> 00:06:02,642
Have you cracked that code yet?
122
00:06:02,644 --> 00:06:05,445
I told you, this
is really hard.
123
00:06:05,447 --> 00:06:06,880
Here, let me have a look.
124
00:06:06,882 --> 00:06:08,916
[ Clears throat ]
125
00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:16,725
Got it! Let's go!
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00:06:16,727 --> 00:06:18,626
Could you go without me?
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00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:19,594
[ Scoffs ]
128
00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:22,731
Sam, you're completely useless.
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00:06:25,201 --> 00:06:26,735
Mwah!
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00:06:26,737 --> 00:06:28,536
Eyelashes!
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00:06:28,538 --> 00:06:34,174
We have all the eyelashes we need
to crush your pathetic economy.
132
00:06:34,176 --> 00:06:37,811
Seems like you've got
it all figured out, Chang.
133
00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:41,248
There's just one thing you
Chinese haven't perfected.
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00:06:43,619 --> 00:06:47,255
Tying knots.
135
00:06:47,257 --> 00:06:49,424
Unh!
136
00:06:58,268 --> 00:07:02,171
Daisy!
137
00:07:02,173 --> 00:07:05,675
Cricket!
138
00:07:05,677 --> 00:07:07,144
[ Shouts ]
139
00:07:07,146 --> 00:07:10,514
[ Horses whinnying ]
140
00:07:10,516 --> 00:07:12,716
[ Echoing ] Ai-yaaah!
141
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:24,595
Well, I guess the
Chinese arms race is over.
142
00:07:24,597 --> 00:07:26,697
Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien.
143
00:07:26,699 --> 00:07:31,201
Several years ago, I executive-produced
a program called "Honor Thy Marshal,"
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00:07:31,203 --> 00:07:35,572
starring U.S. Marshal Chris Monsanto
as Texas Ranger Chet Mason.
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00:07:35,574 --> 00:07:39,142
One look and I knew I had a
massive hit on my hands.
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00:07:39,144 --> 00:07:41,945
Not the show and not
Chris Monsanto.
147
00:07:41,947 --> 00:07:43,746
They were-- They were terrible.
148
00:07:43,748 --> 00:07:46,849
No, I'm talking about co-star
Travis Hunt and his fabulous
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00:07:46,851 --> 00:07:49,150
catchphrase, "Nice, bro!"
150
00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:50,752
Nice, bro.
151
00:07:50,754 --> 00:07:54,889
I was so sure this was gonna
be the next big thing that I had
152
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,225
14 million "Nice, bro!"
153
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:01,497
T-shirts, hats, and mugs printed
up at the show's expense.
154
00:08:01,499 --> 00:08:02,598
Nice, bro!
155
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,501
Nice, bro.
156
00:08:05,503 --> 00:08:08,871
The show premiered to a .1
rating, and "Nice, bro!" failed
157
00:08:08,873 --> 00:08:13,010
to take the country by storm for reasons
I still don't quite understand.
158
00:08:13,012 --> 00:08:16,814
In what can only be described
as an act of panic-induced
159
00:08:16,816 --> 00:08:18,815
cowardice, I snuck into Travis'
160
00:08:18,817 --> 00:08:23,119
house one night and tried
to end both of our lives.
161
00:08:23,121 --> 00:08:28,190
Travis, as you probably read in
his memoir, "Step Up To Dream,"
162
00:08:28,192 --> 00:08:32,661
handily disarmed me and later snuck
into my house to settle the score.
163
00:08:32,663 --> 00:08:36,664
I did what my lawyer said was
well within my rights to defend
164
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:40,935
myself, and beyond that, I'm
really not allowed to comment.
165
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:45,640
Anyway, the "Nice, bro!" merch blew
pretty much our entire season's budget.
166
00:08:45,642 --> 00:08:49,977
By our third episode, we had to
resort to doing a clip show.
167
00:08:53,181 --> 00:08:55,116
I'm looking for peabody.
168
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:55,750
Unh!
169
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:59,086
At that moment, my whole
life flashed before my eyes.
170
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:01,890
There's just one thing you
Chinese haven't perfected.
171
00:09:01,892 --> 00:09:03,458
Tying knots.
172
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,660
Aah!
173
00:09:04,662 --> 00:09:05,627
Ai-yaaah!
174
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,830
Chinese arms race is over.
175
00:09:07,832 --> 00:09:09,532
Let me have a look.
176
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:09,932
Got it.
177
00:09:09,934 --> 00:09:11,735
Could you go
witho-- Useless.
178
00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:12,569
Unh!
179
00:09:12,571 --> 00:09:13,571
[ Squawking ]
180
00:09:13,573 --> 00:09:19,376
Nice, br-- And then I came
to, and it was time for revenge.
181
00:09:19,444 --> 00:09:21,645
Chris: Yeah, "Honor Thy
Marshal" was a real body blow.
182
00:09:21,647 --> 00:09:23,514
Knocked the wind
right out of me.
183
00:09:23,516 --> 00:09:26,784
But I still got a few irons in
the fire, so I'm pretty excited
184
00:09:26,786 --> 00:09:29,887
about those, and I'm-- Ah, who
the hell am I kidding here?
185
00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:31,088
I got nothing going on.
186
00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:33,624
Ugh! Look at me.
187
00:09:33,626 --> 00:09:35,460
51-year-old man.
188
00:09:35,462 --> 00:09:36,961
It's pathetic.
189
00:09:36,963 --> 00:09:38,729
This stupid hat on my head.
190
00:09:38,731 --> 00:09:40,798
Why am I wearing this hat?
191
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,532
Dumb.
192
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:43,735
Where does this
even take place?
193
00:09:43,737 --> 00:09:44,836
Look at my [Bleep] vest.
194
00:09:44,838 --> 00:09:46,537
Ooh, it's leather.
195
00:09:46,539 --> 00:09:47,605
Wow, tough.
196
00:09:47,607 --> 00:09:49,173
I got black pants on.
197
00:09:49,175 --> 00:09:51,809
Everybody loves
the black pants.
198
00:09:51,811 --> 00:09:53,244
I hate my life.
199
00:09:53,246 --> 00:09:54,812
I hate myself.
200
00:09:54,814 --> 00:09:56,815
I hate everybody here.
201
00:09:56,817 --> 00:09:58,783
All right.
202
00:09:58,785 --> 00:09:59,884
Enough of that.
203
00:09:59,886 --> 00:10:04,255
Time to crack open a cold
bud, as in Budd Dwyer.
204
00:10:04,257 --> 00:10:05,256
Remember him, folks?
205
00:10:05,258 --> 00:10:06,725
[ Clears throat ]
206
00:10:06,727 --> 00:10:07,792
Maybe this'll remind you.
207
00:10:07,794 --> 00:10:10,061
You might want to throw a
tarp over that camera, guys.
208
00:10:10,063 --> 00:10:10,962
Susie: Chris!
209
00:10:10,964 --> 00:10:13,699
Gasoline Jake and his crew are
at the natural history museum.
210
00:10:13,701 --> 00:10:16,801
Turns out they've been smuggling
heroin inside the T. Rex bones.
211
00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:19,204
Brett: Well, my pastor said
that the dinos all went extinct
212
00:10:19,206 --> 00:10:20,606
'cause they all went gay.
213
00:10:20,608 --> 00:10:22,708
But what a wild way to go, huh?
214
00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:25,077
Chris: Oh, God.
215
00:10:25,079 --> 00:10:27,614
Eh, what the hell?
216
00:10:27,616 --> 00:10:28,882
Okay.
217
00:10:28,884 --> 00:10:29,850
[ Grunts ]
218
00:10:29,852 --> 00:10:32,686
Brett: [ Chuckles ]
219
00:10:32,688 --> 00:10:35,756
Chris: [ Snorting ]
220
00:10:35,758 --> 00:10:37,524
Ahh! Eagleheart!
221
00:10:37,526 --> 00:10:38,692
Brett: What?
222
00:10:38,694 --> 00:10:41,161
Nice, bro.
223
00:10:41,229 --> 00:10:45,165
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
224
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:49,236
a hero who laughs
in danger's face
225
00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:54,107
he possesses the
wisdom of an eagle
226
00:10:54,109 --> 00:10:57,244
and the heart of
10 courageous men
227
00:10:57,246 --> 00:10:58,945
courageous men
228
00:10:58,947 --> 00:11:03,149
if he gives you a warning,
mister, you'd better take it
229
00:11:03,151 --> 00:11:06,485
'cause you don't want
him tellin' you again
230
00:11:06,487 --> 00:11:09,154
Eagleheart
231
00:11:09,204 --> 00:11:13,754
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