Original subtitles

[ Sniffs ]

[ Bird squawks ]

Hey, stranger.

Nice day we're having here.

Perfect weather.

Can't complain.

Follow me.

[ Growling ]

[ Screeching ]

Chris: [ Growling ]

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Calm down, calm down.

It's just me, Chris Monsanto, U.S. marshal.

You really gave us quite a scare, marshal.

Chris: Well, I hope you learned a lesson, too, fellas.

You know, this is not the ramrod west.

This is mountain-lion country,

and that's why we at the U.S. marshals' office urge you

to have your anonymous sex at public urinals and rest stops.

Remember, fellas...

"While you're up here cruising, mountain lions are perusing,

looking to give you a bruising at a time of their choosing."

You can each take one.

[ Screeching ]

[ Both gasp ]

Chris: Aah!

[ Screeching ]

All right. Okay.

[ Groans ]

All right, good job, Brett.

Brett: You see, fellas, it's so dangerous up here

that you shouldn't even hang around and listen to safety lectures

from marshals disguised as mountain lions.

So, uh, why don't you hop in your little cloud cars and fly back home.

Excuse me?

Brett: Gay people.

You live in clouds and drive cloud cars.

Am I talking crazy?

I mean, next thing you're gonna tell me is that black people don't shape-shift

and Jews aren't rock creatures that live underground.

Chris: Brett, those are hurtful stereotypes.

They have no place in mountain-lion country.

Fellas, seriously, though, why don't you move along,

unless you want to end up like that famous British actor Claude Balls.

But, marshals, what we're doing is completely safe.

There hasn't been a single mountain lion spotted up here for weeks.

Chris: Do what?

Paprika?!

Brett: Who's Paprika?

Chris: Only the best friend I ever had, Brett

or ever will have, present company included.

Brett: Why does he live in a lion's den?

Chris: 'Cause he's a mountain lion, Brett.

I bought him many years ago at Harrod's department store.

Later, along with my wife and our lover, we formed the fabulous Monsantos,

one of the first exotic-cat performance groups.

But then he mauled my wife and lover, and I had to let him go.

Anyway, this mountain-lion den has been abandoned for months.

What could have happened to the mountain lions?

And where's Paprika?

Brett: Chris, look.

There's something written on it.

Huh, whoever wrote this had terrible penmanship.

Chris: Brett, it's Chinese.

And it's mountain lion.

It's not Paprika, but it's mountain lion.

Well, I don't see any mountain lion on the menu,

unless "delight" means "mountain lion,"

in which case, everything is mountain lion.

Uh, garcon. [ Fingers snap ]

- Are you waiting to order? - Chris: Uh-huh.

Let's start with an order of,

um, ban quai dei dan quan quan quan dei ban quai quang dei.

And then, um, let's get, for the table,

just one big ban qua gei hey hey ba qua kong quang quang heng wan ah.

I, um... I go get manager.

- Susie: Chris, what the hell are you doing? - Chris: Come on.

Everybody knows that the Chinese language is just a series

of made-up nonsense sounds.

And now this guy knows that we're not amateurs right off the banana boat.

Believe me... this is all working according to my plan, okay?

Is there a problem with the service?

Susie: Uh... we're interested in ordering...

Off the menu, something cooked to... purrfection.

Brett: Mountain lions.

We do not serve mountain lion, sir.

Chris: Honey, one of those mountain lions you swiped from

that den happens to be a dear old bosom mate of mine.

- Now, where is he? - Enough.

For years, people say,

"Chinese eat dogs. Chinese eat cats."

Now mountain lions?

You know how many years we've fought these ugly stereotypes?

Shame on you!

Chris: [ Scoffs ]

Don't know what that was all about.

[ Chuckles ]

Susie: You should probably go apologize to her.

Chris: I'm not... I...

Oh, fine.

I'll go sprinkle a little sugar on her ass.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, lady, lady.

I didn't mean it. Come on.

You see too much!

Susie: Chris, I thought you said you were apologizing.

Chris: Hey, that manager pal of yours just walked through that wall.

Here, watch.

I'm coming, Paprika.

Susie: I guess that's Chinese only.

Chris: Well, okay, fine.

Then I'll just take the Chinese Express.

[ Echoing ] I meant Orient Express.

Susie: [ Gasps ]

Chris: [ Groans ]

I swear I'll find you, Paprika, if it's the last thing I do today.

Now, where am I?

Oh, hey, pal, pal.

[ Scoffs ]

Hello, Chris.

What's the matter? Don't you recognize me?

Chris: I don't... I don't know. Did we bone or something?

Perhaps this will remind you.

Is there a problem with the service?

Chris: Hold on. I'm sorry. Are you people Chinese or what?

[ Laughs ]

The question itself is flawed, Chris.

Chris: Okay, w... what are you babbling about, Snow Cap?

Perhaps I explain.

Me Sebastian.

Me emperor of this land.

Chinese people as you know them do not exist.

What you see up there on the surface is just our disguise.

Down here, we look regular.

Chris: So what you're saying is...

Yes, Chris.

We Chinese... we play joke.

Chris: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Wow.

Our mission, Chris, is to protect planet from enemy forces.

Sometimes, we have to go up to the surface for provisions.

We create Chinese facade

so we recognize each other up there.

Only select billion know real secret.

Chris: Wow.

And so here, we have everything one might need...

To become Chinese.

An "l"- to-"r" conversion kit...

Silly straw hats...

Ah, and one of my favorite, cartoon buckteeth.

Chris: [ Laughs ] These are wonderful.

Oh, my. [ Laughs ]

But I got to tell you... It's not why I came down here.

I came down for one reason and one reason alone...

To find mountain lions.

I am afraid, Chris, there are some things you must never know.

Me so sorry...

Sincerely.

Chris: Well, me so horny...

For justice.

Ohh!

Stop him!

We must protect the ruby!

Chris: [ Gasps ]

It's beautiful...

In a gaudy nouveau-riche sort of way.

[ Growls ]

Chris: [ Gasps ] Hi, fellas.

Hi.

[ Howling ]

[ Growls ]

Chris: Oh, God, I hope she hasn't been eaten already.

Okay, all right, you know what?

Let's blow this pop stand.

Watch out.

[ Gun cocks ]

Good. You're free. Go, run, run.

Oh, boy.

You damn fool.

That's the Ruby of life.

It power all of earth.

Without it, no life exists.

The mountain lions were protecting Ruby.

Chris: Uh, protecting Ruby from what?

From them.

Rock Jews.

Brett: Next thing you're gonna tell me is that

Jews aren't rock creatures that live underground.

Chris: Oy-oy, oy-oy-oy.

Okay, stretch, what do we do now, huh?

Nothing.

We... powerless.

[ Growls ]

Chris: Paprika!

[ Growling ]

We saved.

Chris: Paprika!

Paprika, it's me. It's me.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Oh, oh!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh, how I missed you so much, Paprika.

[ Cloud whirs ]

[ Music continues ]

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