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Dear Satan, my dark master, lord
of all that that is unholy,
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I offer you the soul of
this pitiful delivery man.
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In return, please see to it that
the permit for my new deck goes
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00:00:18,683 --> 00:00:22,486
through without any holdups
from the zoning commission.
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And now let me sign our
contract in blood!
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[ Door opens ]
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Chris: Sorry to interrupt.
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I was just in the neighborhood,
and I happened to see the
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world's most uninviting backyard.
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I had to meet the deckless son
of a bitch who lives here.
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Who are you pigs?
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00:00:37,969 --> 00:00:39,069
Chris: Ah, I'm sorry.
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I forgot to introduce myself.
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I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. marshal.
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Put 'er there.
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[ Spits ]
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Chris: Oh.
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Don't want to shake my hand, huh?
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Aah!
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[ Bones snapping ]
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Chris: I guess I'll just have to
shake my own hand... inside you.
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[ Grunting ]
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Chris: How do I do?
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Well, nice to meet me.
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Oh, what a supple,
soft hand I have.
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I must use Palmolive...Or guts!
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Ugh!
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[ Gasping ]
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Susie: Are you okay, sir?
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You saved me.
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You're my angel.
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Susie: Just glad you're safe.
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Because you love me?
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Susie: What?
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I just met the future
Mrs. Arnold Blanth.
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Susie: Are you by any
chance Arnold Blanth?
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Yes.
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Chris: Seems somebody has a
not-so-secret secret admirer.
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[ Breathing heavily ]
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Chief: Secretary of transportation
Charles Folger... you name a mode of
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transportation, he's got an opinion
on it...Opinions that
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have made him a lot of enemies.
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Brett: What does he
feel about shoes?
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Chief: He hates them.
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It's not our job to judge whether or not
the secretary is worthy of his life.
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It's our job to protect
him as though he were.
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Susie?
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[ Creepy music plays ]
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Susie: Oh, my God.
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What should I do here?
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Chris: Well, try not to act
too desperate too soon, okay?
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That might scare him off.
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Susie: Hello.
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Hi, I'm... I'm sorry
to bother you here.
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I-I just wanted to give you a
small present to say thank you
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for saving my life.
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Susie: Oh, I-I can't accept that.
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I was just doing my job.
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Oh, come on. Just open it.
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Susie: [ Chuckles ] Okay.
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It's a heart made
out of cat hearts.
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I know you like cats 'cause I-I
found kitty litter in your garbage.
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Brett: You're so talented.
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Chris: All right, Luther Vandross.
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[ Chuckling ] Let's get going.
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I love you, Susie.
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[ Creepy music plays ]
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It is a love that knows no bounds.
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It is a love that I would
do anything to defend.
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[ Exhales sharply ]
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Chief: Young love.
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I envy you two.
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Susie: Ohh.
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Chris: Hello?
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[ Chuckles ]
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There's other people here.
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[ Chuckling ] Come on. Let's go.
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As your secretary of transportation, I
am proud to have secured funding for new
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soda machines at bus depots across
the country... [ applause ]
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...For a sip of cola.
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00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:20,965
Now...
Chris: Ugh.
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Look at that clown over there.
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Look at that face. Ugh.
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Those stupid sunglasses
and that stupid shirt.
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Look at those pants.
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I hate him.
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I hate his family.
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I hate his house.
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Brett: Me, too.
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00:03:33,578 --> 00:03:34,712
Chris: Shut up.
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A hundred years ago, when my grandmother
landed on Ellis land... a little girl
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who had just made the long voyage...
[ Creepy music plays ]
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We will be together, my sweet.
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00:03:50,395 --> 00:03:58,035
Now, these machines will take dollars,
quarters, and nickels, but no dimes.
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U.S. dimes are too similar
to the Paraguayan coin...
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00:04:01,406 --> 00:04:03,140
Arnold, what are you doing here?
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00:04:03,174 --> 00:04:04,742
Who's that... your new boyfriend?
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00:04:04,776 --> 00:04:07,177
Susie: It's the secretary
of transportation.
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00:04:07,212 --> 00:04:09,179
Oh, so you like big shots?
100
00:04:09,214 --> 00:04:14,785
It would be completely insane to have
soda machines that accept any dimes.
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00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,787
[ Applause ]
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You don't think I'm a big shot?
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How's this for a big shot?
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[ Gun cocks ]
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Susie: Arnold, no!
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[ Gunshot ]
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[ People screaming ]
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[ Exhales sharply ]
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[ Breathing heavily ]
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Susie: Arnold, put your hands up.
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I did it for you, Susan.
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Susie: Arnold Blanth, you're under arrest
for the...[ Exhales sharply ]
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[ Weakly ] You're under arrest for...
I don't care about nothin'.
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Susie: You're under arrest for
the murder of...My better judgment.
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Brett: They're having sex.
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Chris: Not yet, Brett.
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They have to see a preacher first
and then cut a hole in a sheet.
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Brett: Oh.
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It worked.
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Susie: [ Breathing heavily ]
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Let's go.
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Chris: Hey, Susie, wait for us.
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[ Gunshots ]
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Chris: She's shooting at us.
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Brett: Should we...
Chris: I... Brett: I don't...
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chief: Is this what you saw?
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Brett: That's it, your honor.
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That's exactly what
it looked like.
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Chris: There's no
judges here, idiot.
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Yep, I've seen that a million
times before... regicideophilia
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or, as it's known on the street,
Lou Gehrig's other disease.
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Simply put, Susie is hopelessly
attracted to assassins.
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Chris: All right. Why?
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Chris, some women
are into bad boys.
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That's why I created my
alter ego, doc shades.
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00:06:02,927 --> 00:06:07,831
My point is, political assassins are...
Well, they're the worst boys of all.
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She's gonna need a fresh kill every
few days to get her jollies.
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00:06:11,970 --> 00:06:13,504
Chris: I just don't get it.
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00:06:13,538 --> 00:06:16,140
I mean, she's been around
hundreds of murderers and
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thieves and dirtbags, but
she's never fallen for one.
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She's only into assassins.
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Chris: Okay, look, um, doc,
while I got you here, um...
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Please... while I'm wearing the
shades, it's "Doc Shades."
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[ Electric guitar plays ]
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[ Crickets chirping ]
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It's a pretty cool
motel room, huh?
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Susie: Oh, my God,
you are so sexy.
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I got an idea.
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Susie: You want to assassinate someone
bigger than Folger, don't you?
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No.
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I was thinking, instead of
getting those twin cemetery
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plots we were talking about, we
got one coffin for both of us
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to just lie face-to-face in for
eternity, both of our skeletons
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snuggling, beyond the flesh.
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What's wrong?
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Susie: Uh, do you think maybe
we're moving too fast?
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I mean, I think maybe
we should take a break.
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What?
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00:07:04,289 --> 00:07:05,756
Why?
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00:07:05,790 --> 00:07:08,592
[ Birds chirping ]
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I'm sorry, Mr. Governor.
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I tried to stop him.
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Chris: She didn't try that hard.
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You' fired.
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Chris: Ohh.
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How can I help you, marshal?
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Chris: Governor, I'm sure you've heard
of secretary Folger's completely
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unpreventable assassination.
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Yes. Very sad.
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Chris: Yes, well, uh, why don't
I skip the main course and
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get right to the tiramisu?
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00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:31,148
One of our lady marshals has come
down with Lou Gehrig's other disease.
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Regicideophilia.
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Chris: Yeah.
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Before my twin brother and I
were mushed together, a gypsy
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woman told us that
we would die young.
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We laughed at her.
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That was then.
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Now it seems her prophecy
has borne fruit.
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Well, I won't let them
have the satisfaction.
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If I don't do this right,
you'll have to finish the job.
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Chris: All right, no, no, no.
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00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,134
Look... I have a plan.
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Let's give it a shot.
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If it doesn't work, then I
promise I'll put you down like a
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lame bull with a bad nut.
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00:07:56,007 --> 00:07:57,307
[ Tongue clicks, lips squish ]
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00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:58,809
I'm listening.
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00:07:58,843 --> 00:08:02,012
Susie: I just need some
time to myself, Arnold.
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00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:03,013
I'm confused.
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00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:09,519
Part of me wants to marry you, and part
of me wants to arrest you for murder.
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00:08:09,554 --> 00:08:12,222
But I assassinated him for you.
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00:08:12,257 --> 00:08:14,891
Susie: Yeah, like a week ago.
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00:08:14,926 --> 00:08:20,230
...One governor, hundreds of fans, no
security... governor Danjoshy Conti will
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00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:23,734
honor former secretary of
transportation Charles Folger in
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00:08:23,768 --> 00:08:27,404
his first-ever no-security event...
no metal detectors, no
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crowd control, nothing between you and
the governor but your conscience.
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00:08:30,875 --> 00:08:33,176
This Friday... be there.
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Give me one more chance.
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00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:38,682
Susie: [ Breathing heavily ]
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Let each delicious beverage and
tasty snack remind us of the
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00:08:43,354 --> 00:08:46,156
tireless service of
secretary Folger.
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00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:47,658
[ Applause ]
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And now I hereby dedicate
this... [ Gunshot ]
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00:08:50,895 --> 00:08:52,029
[ People screaming ]
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00:08:52,063 --> 00:08:53,030
I did it, Susan!
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00:08:53,064 --> 00:08:54,665
I assassinated a governor!
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00:08:54,699 --> 00:08:55,999
I did it for you!
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00:08:56,034 --> 00:08:59,303
Chris: Not quite,
Arnold, not quite.
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00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:00,237
He's not dead?
211
00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:01,104
Chris: Nope.
212
00:09:01,139 --> 00:09:05,108
He was wearing a bulletproof
vest stuffed with mice.
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00:09:05,143 --> 00:09:07,444
Brett: You shot a mouse?
214
00:09:07,478 --> 00:09:07,944
Ugh!
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00:09:07,979 --> 00:09:08,612
Chris: Ohh.
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00:09:08,646 --> 00:09:11,248
Okay, time to take the trash out.
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00:09:11,282 --> 00:09:13,183
There wasn't supposed to
be any security here.
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00:09:13,217 --> 00:09:13,850
Chris: Aw.
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00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:15,185
I tried, Susan! I tried!
220
00:09:15,219 --> 00:09:16,019
Chris: All right.
221
00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:17,020
I tried!
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00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:18,855
[ Grunting ]
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00:09:18,890 --> 00:09:20,857
[ Birds caw ]
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00:09:20,892 --> 00:09:24,861
[ Whimpering ]
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00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:26,863
Susie: I love you, Arnold.
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00:09:26,898 --> 00:09:27,864
Chris: Still?
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00:09:27,899 --> 00:09:30,600
Susie: He tried
to kill the governor.
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00:09:30,635 --> 00:09:31,568
That's kind of sexy.
229
00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:33,370
[ Sobbing ] Please don't kill me!
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00:09:33,404 --> 00:09:34,371
I screwed up!
231
00:09:34,405 --> 00:09:37,207
I'm sorry!
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00:09:37,241 --> 00:09:38,709
Do your worst, pig.
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00:09:38,743 --> 00:09:40,877
I ain't afraid of dying.
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00:09:40,912 --> 00:09:41,845
[ Cigarette sizzles ]
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00:09:41,879 --> 00:09:43,880
[ Sobbing ]
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00:09:43,915 --> 00:09:46,616
Susie: Governor Danjoshy,
please don't execute him.
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00:09:46,651 --> 00:09:47,417
I beg you.
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00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:49,319
You really do love him, don't you?
239
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:52,155
Susie: Yes.
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00:09:52,190 --> 00:09:57,828
Arnold Blanth, by the powers
vested in me, I hereby...
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00:09:57,862 --> 00:10:01,465
Appoint you lieutenant
governor of our state.
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00:10:01,499 --> 00:10:01,698
Huh?
243
00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:04,000
[ Electricity zapping ]
244
00:10:07,305 --> 00:10:09,272
Susie: Wow.
245
00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:14,111
Chris, you just killed
the lieutenant governor.
246
00:10:14,145 --> 00:10:14,845
[ Giggles ]
247
00:10:14,879 --> 00:10:18,014
Chris: No, Susie, I didn't
kill the lieutenant governor.
248
00:10:18,049 --> 00:10:23,220
The system did...
The justice system.
249
00:10:23,254 --> 00:10:25,555
Susie: You're right.
250
00:10:25,590 --> 00:10:28,625
I guess the justice
system is pretty sexy.
251
00:10:28,659 --> 00:10:31,561
Chris: Welcome back
to the good guys.
252
00:10:31,596 --> 00:10:33,563
Brett: And that's that.
253
00:10:33,598 --> 00:10:36,566
[ Gunshot ]
254
00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:38,902
Susie: Nice shooting, Brett.
255
00:10:38,936 --> 00:10:39,903
Chris: Geez.
256
00:10:39,937 --> 00:10:41,405
All right, I'll grab a sheet.
257
00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:43,039
Who's good at cutting holes?
258
00:10:43,074 --> 00:10:46,843
[ Electric guitar plays ]
259
00:10:47,043 --> 00:10:57,243
Sync by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
260
00:10:57,293 --> 00:11:01,843
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
18637
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