Original subtitles

He's saying, I'm gonna crack your skulls

if you don't give me your artichokes. [Bleep] yeah.

We're gonna scoop Hollandaise tonight, son.

Julia Child is like, what is all this food?

This croissants, these... you know what I mean?

Like, these espressos and stuff like that.

She's like, the chicken.

- (Belches) - I keep... I'm so sorry.

I'm so embarrassed I keep burping.

And he's like, holy shit, guys, run!

He saw this wave of molasses.

(Laughs)

You're so embarrassed. You're so embarrassed.

(Patriotic music)

? ?

- Food's personal. - Very.

It's alarming how people kind of, like, feel

like they need to, like, educate you.

- Mm-hmm. - About what you're doing.

Makes you want to, like, spitefully just eat junk.

- Yeah. - Just to be like, [bleep] you.

And then when you watch "Survivor"

and they're eating, like, the last scoop of rice

and they're just like, should we eat this bug for the protein?

And you're just like, ha ha ha,

I have, like, seven entrees that I ordered out.

- Oh, hello. - Oh, hello.

(Laughs)

(Hums)

Hello.

I'm Tess Lynch and today,

we are gonna talk about the artichoke wars.

Our story begins in New York City, 1935.

So, there had been one group

that have been diehard fans of the artichoke

and that is the Italian immigrants.

They're bananas over this stuff.

The Italians are like,

we're ride or die for these artichokes.

These artichokes are fantastic.

You can do it... butter cars

that just drive butter into your mouth,

but it was also not great.

Ciro Terranova...

Ciro or Churro?

It's Ciro but you could... you know, friends call him Churro.

Well, only when he's sprinkled with powdered sugar.

I guess really it's sugar and cinnamon.

It's like, to be, you know, authentic.

So Ciro Terranova is the underboss

of the Morello crime family.

He was kind of dabbling in everything.

I mean, like, there were plenty of murders.

- I'll tell you that. - Mm.

And there was plenty of corruption

and there was racketeering.

Like, you know, his... his finger was in every pie,

but the end of prohibition

is really costing the Mafia like, a ton of money.

Booze is legal again.

It's like, ooh, what are we gonna do?

So Ciro's like, I don't know.

Like, I could just grab all these artichokes

and sell 'em.

So he's going to the farmers Northern California.

He's threatening them.

He's saying, I'm gonna crack your skulls

if you don't give me your artichokes.

They're saying whoa, whoa buddy.

Best step off 'cause you're terrifying as [bleep].

And he has taken these artichokes

and he has a complete monopoly.

He's bullying the vendors in New York City

and he's bullying the customers

by driving the prices through the roof.

Luckily mayor Fiorello La Guardia,

The Little Flower...

Why The Little Flower?

Why did he have that name?

He's really small and Fiorello means flower.

- Little Flower. - Makes sense.

And, like, La Guardia is Italian,

so he... in his genetic makeup loves the artichoke.

I need to do something.

I need to do something.

What am I gonna do?

What he does is, he gets his advisors

and he's like, we need to hatch a plan.

It has to be a secret plan

and it has to be a flashy plan

because we're dealing with the mob here

and I'm just, like, a little flower of a man.

I like a flashy plan.

Yeah, well, you got to have a flashy plan,

otherwise it's not... no, it might work

if it's not flashy,

but what's the point if it's not flashy?

'Cause you're not gonna go down in history

if don't have a flashy plan.

December 22, 1935,

La Guardia enters the Bronx Terminal Market.

And he's got all his guys, all his squad, with him.

? All his squad, all his squad ?

? For the artichoke, all his squad ?

And he goes in and he's like, okay, trumpet guy, pssht,

you're gonna play your thing, go ahead.

And the guy comes out and it's just like...

(Hums)

And he's like, oh, it's out of tune.

December in New York.

Get the hell out of here.

Warm up your trumpet. Time out.

And the guy goes inside and he comes out

and then he's like...

(Hums)

And it's great.

La Guardia reads from the scroll

and he's like, everybody.

Listen.

We ain't gonna have these

punks, racketeers, or thugs

taking our mother[bleep] artichokes away from us.

And everyone's like, [bleep] yeah,

We're gonna scoop Hollandaise tonight, son!

And he's like, that's right.

You cannot sell or possess any artichokes

until we legitimize this sale.

Fiorello La Guardia goes back to his house,

has a cookie, glass of milk, but then,

all of the five biggest California artichoke vendors,

they're like, we are not selling any... this is terrible.

This is even worse than dealing with the mob guy.

We have to reach an agreement.

They... they basically sit down with La Guardia

and they're like, look, we're gonna sit down

and make a deal

but you've got to protect us from this [bleep] mob.

And La Guardia's like, you know what?

Okay.

I can [bleep] protect you from the mob.

Okay, so several hours pass.

Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah,

no no no, yes yes yes,

then they're like, okay.

Sign the agreement.

? Ba ba ba ?

There it is.

December 29, the ban is lifted.

Artichokes are back on the menu.

They've gotten all this publicity

so even non-Italians

who were very disdainful of artichokes before

are like, we're gonna give those a shot.

I mean, these are like,

everybody's going to such great lengths about the artichokes.

We'll try them. (Sniffs)

Ciro Terranova has been dethroned

as the artichoke king.

He's arrested every time he's in Manhattan

for being a vagrant 'cause everyone's like,

huh, artichoke king, blah blah blah, loser.

La Guardia, remembered as one of the most beloved mayors

in New York history,

reportedly liked his artichokes with mayonnaise.

That's his one flaw.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

- Just made you throw up, didn't I? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I know.

- Mm-hmm. - That's my goal.

Hon, artichoke's ready.

(Laughs)

This is actually really good.

Well, it's not good.

It's not good.

This is terrible.

(Laughs)

= synced and corrected by Shahrazade = ... www.addic7ed.com ...

You guys, I'm a little tips.

Mm-hmm.

Hello, I am Lyric Lewis.

Wait. Let me take that again.

Okay.

Hello.

No, okay.

Hello, I'm Lyric Lewis

and today we are talking about Julia Child.

- To Julia. - To Julia.

So, Julia, she had a very humdrum life.

She's like, super tall.

She's 6'3".

She's like, dumb tall.

Julia never ate anything but canned or processed food,

but then she's like, you know what? [Bleep] this.

She's like, I'm gonna be a spy.

Ba-blam.

So she applies to be a spy for the OSS,

- which is the Office of... - (Belches)

Oh, God.

Um, the Office of Strategic Services.

The Office of Strategic Services

in Washington, DC, which will later become the CIA. Boom.

So, one day her boss comes to her

and her boss is like, yo,

I need you to come up with shark repellent

for bombs underwater.

But that was, like, her fist glimpse into cooking

and into, like, espionage work,

so she gets a bowl, she mixes up shark repellent.

She's like, I'm gonna add glue, stick some bombs,

she's like, I'm gonna add some gun powder.

And she's like, I'm not gonna add blood

because sharks will like blood.

She adds stuff that's, like, against blood.

The sharks are like, I don't want to...

- (Nibbles) - I don't want to bite it.

And Julia's like, cool cool cool, tight tight tight.

(Belches)

Oh, excuse me.

So... (pops tongue)

Later comes 1944.

She volunteers to go to Sri Lanka.

Sri Lanka's like, hey girl, hey.

And she's a secretary for this office

where they're working for American soldiers

in guerilla warfare, so she's like, doing that shit.

So it's, like, kinda gritty

but it's still, like, a secretary

but she's like, yeah, what paperwork?

She's 31 and she's ready for a man

to get up in all 6... 6 feet, 3 inches of that.

She's like, I'm ready to mingle.

I'm ready for a penis in every position.

Julia's like, super horny.

- Hey now. - Right?

And she looks up and she sees Paul.

She sees Paul. Paul is a vision to her.

He's a tall, tall drink of water.

Tall glass of milk.

Tall glass of almond milk if you're a vegan.

Tall glass of soy milk if you're a vegetarian.

Tall glass of goat milk if you don't like cows.

(Snickers)

And Julia's like, that is a man and I got to get him.

He's like a nerd.

Paul's like, hey, everybody.

Who wants to play Scrabble later?

Ha ha ha!

And Julia's like, you don't even know

how sexy you are, Paul.

I will drink your bathwater.

Julia before Paul, she only ate processed food,

canned foods, creamed corn,

everything out of a can so Paul was like,

your palate is so [bleep] basic and I'm showing you a new life.

So they ate all these exotic foods together

and Julia was like, [bleep] me,

and Paul was like, yes, bitch, where have you been?

She was like, oh, my God, this man is amazing.

My palate is developing.

I'm into him and she was feeling him

and Paul was like, no, not yet.

Because I'm feeling Jane Foster now.

Jane is a [bleep] spy.

Like, she's a spy.

Do you hear me? She's a [bleep] spy.

Jane is, like, out in the field.

She's [bleep] shooting people.

Paul, he liked Jane a lot because she was sexy,

and Julia was doing office work so it's like,

who wants the pencil pusher

when you can get the maker of the wood?

'Cause I feel like Jane was making wood, right?

(Laughs)

Jane was like, no, you're mad corny to me.

But we're friends.

So they're hanging out and then Paul,

he looks at Julia and he's like,

Julia, you tall but you cute, you know what I mean?

So Julia was like, yes.

Paul, I want to continue this.

We need to take a road trip

because that's how people really get to know each other

and know if they want to be together.

And Paul was like, cool cool cool, tight tight tight.

So then at the end of the war, they went back home.

They pack her Buick full of clothing

and then she's like, oh, I'm gonna pack

a soup thermos full of pre-mixed martinis.

And a bottle of vodka because this is back in the day

when there was no open container laws,

so they set off and Paul is like, yes!

Julia is like, yes!

The police on the road I'm sure are like,

yes, girl, go get your man!

(Laughs)

So they fell in love and they got married.

Him and Julia was like,

okay, cool cool cool, tight tight tight,

and then they get to go to France.

So she goes to France and she's like,

what is all this food, this croissants, these...

you know what I mean?

Like, these espressos and stuff like that.

She's like, the chicken.

And so she enrolls in Le Cordon Bleu

of all places.

And she's like, doing 0all these French foods

and they come back to America,

and this... this late... this late in the game

is when Julia Child that we know comes to life.

She has all these books, she's huge on TV.

We have the French culinary know-how

that we got from Julia Child.

Paul is like, cool, I'm proud of you.

She's a big bitch but I love her.

He was an amazing husband to her.

He loved her.

She was an Amazon.

He loved her.

Did you ever see the website that he created for her?

No.

You've never been to amazon.com?

Shut your mouth.

Well, 'cause you called her Amazon.

Shut your mouth, Derek.

I... I thought it was a real website

dedicated to Julia Child by Paul Child and like,

he was like,

"She's a Big Bitch But I Love Her Volume Five."

And so they were very happy

and she became this huge success,

and it was all because of Julia's career as a spy

in espionage and because of Paul Child.

Bing bang boom.

(Belches)

I keep... I'm so sorry.

I'm so embarrassed. I keep burping.

- Why? - 'Cause ladies

don't burp and I try to be a lady.

But it'll also be on TV

and it'll be great.

And then people will be like,

- she's a real person. - Cool cool cool.

Cool cool cool tight tight tight.

(Dramatic music)

- Cheers. - Cheers to you, buddy.

- Here's to you. - Alright.

- Thank you. - Thanks for having me on.

Likewise. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Billy Bob Thornton and today we're gonna be talking

about Benjamin Franklin, one of my heroes.

You know, most people just think about him

as the guy with the kite and the string and the key.

Real quick, I'm just so excited for Bad Santa 2.

I didn't come here to talk about Bad Santa.

I'm sorry, I... I know.

So, a guy like Franklin

who did, you know, invent things like bifocals and...

Are those bifocals?

No, they're not.

- These are just... I'm light sensitive. - Albino?

I'm obviously not an albino.

Is your partner really that short...

- in the movie. - Which movie?

Bad Santa, sorry.

He's a dwarf, of course he's that [bleep] short.

- It's... - What kind of question is that?

It's an honest question. I was curious.

I didn't know if it was CGI.

Or maybe he's really tall

and you guys shrunk him.

Yeah, that's what we did.

We... we took a guy who's 6'5"

and shrunk him down for the [bleep] movie.

- Wow! - Yeah.

Only in Hollywood.

Am I on [bleep] acid?

What are you drinking? Molasses? You wanna...

Have you ever had molasses?

Yeah, I hate it.

There was one time when I was growing up

and I was a little kid and my dad had gotten, like,

some molasses and he made pancakes

and I was like, pancake night!

And so I just dumped it so it just like...

was like, huge just black pile on my plate and I... it was,

like, the most bitter gr... I was like,

oh, this is the greatest thing ever.

But no, no no no, no no. No.

It's [bleep] deadly.

Anything can kill you.

Anything can kill you.

Cheers.

(Laughter)

Hello, I'm Lucius Dillon,

and today we're going to talk about the Great Molasses Flood.

My story starts... our story starts at... 19... hmm, hmm, hmm.

Our story starts at 1915.

So the Purity Distillery, which was in North Boston

in this area, is a very industrial area.

There was a bunch of Italian, Irish immigrants

all living in this area.

Molasses was a big mother[bleep] deal.

When they distilled it it would turn into rum,

so it was a huge commodity, but prohibition was coming around.

But there's a year-long grace period

so they came up with a great idea.

It was like, okay, what we can do is, for a whole year,

we can make as much liquor and rum and everything,

so let's just get as much [bleep] molasses as we can.

You know what, we need to build a huge tank

that could fill all this lovely molasses.

So they got a guy

who was the treasurer of the company, Arthur Jell.

And they're like, uh, have you had any architect experience?

Have you any... any engineering education?

Nope, nope.

Uh, they're like, hey, can you read this blueprint?

Uh, why do I need to read this blueprint?

That... that goes for the guys in the hats and the...

The construction workers?

Yeah.

The construction workers.

They can read it. It's fine.

All right, you're our guy. Great.

So he didn't know what the [bleep] he was doing.

Any corner that needed to be cut, he cut it.

So they built this thing very terribly.

They would hear groans and gurgles from this tank.

- It was like... - (Groans)

(Snorts)

(Laughs)

(Groaning)

Like it was... it was gonna barf.

It's gonna pretty much puke.

So near the tank was Engine Number 31,

and in that firehouse was a bunch of firemen,

so we had Bill Connor, who was the chief.

We had George Layhe, and around lunchtime, you know,

every day, they would get together, play billiards.

There was a stonecutter who would come by

named John Barry, who would just liked to come

every now and again, and he was like,

look, I... I'm really worried that this tank's gonna...

it's gonna explode.

I mean, of course the thing leaks immediately

and Arthur Jell was like, it's fine.

This is still a solid structure.

And everyone was like, but you can see leaks

from the tank.

Okay, well, uh, we can fix that.

We'll paint it brown

so you can't see the molasses coming out.

What?

That doesn't help anything.

I'm so worried that this is gonna fail.

Arthur Jell was like, we're gonna make

a bazillion dollars off of this.

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly

go wrong?

Don't do that shit.

Why does it scare you so much?

'Cause it makes me have to try to attempt...

I know, you can't do it.

But I'm gonna do it for a little bit.

Well then, I want to do it too.

Okay.

Yeah, see?

Good work.

So, it was January 15, 1919,

and the Purity Distilling Company

filled this [bleep] to the brim.

This tank fills

2.3 million gallons

of this crap.

(Gasps)

Look at you!

Look at you.

Not... no, I'm still here.

Uh... (laughs)

You're so embarrassed.

You're so embarrassed.

Anyway... um...

so around lunchtime

at Fire Station 31,

they heard just like this horrible explosion.

It was kind of like a...

(Imitates explosion)

(Imitating squirting)

Maybe not as much of a duck,

but they heard a horrible sound.

That was not good.

So John Barry went up to the window.

The tank burst.

Then this sort of huge wave,

was like a... (imitates explosion)

Of... oh, excuse me.

Of just pure force and evil and terror.

It knocked down buildings.

It knocked down railway cars.

And people were just, like, knocked off their ass.

It was also horses because of the time period

that, like, these horses were knocked on their ass.

The horses were like, this is bullshit.

Why am I drowning in this goo?

And he saw this 15-foot high

wave of molasses

coming towards him and he's like, holy shit, guys, run!

Run run run run run run run.

The force is so horrible.

It takes this whole building that they're in,

pushes it off their foundation,

and just carries this building

and it almost goes into the harbor.

They're pretty much trapped with tons of debris

and they have molasses

just slowly rising up

and George Layhe is pinned down underneath this pool table.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, see it? - Okay.

It's like chocolate.

Mmm.

Mmmm!

Mmmmm!

Oh, my... no [bleep] way.

If God could shit on licorice,

that's what it tastes like.

I know!

Stay tuned for more

"Drunk History, Molasses Face"...

I mean, "Molasses Flood."

- (Laughs) - [Bleep]

So anyway, drinking.

Oh. Don't forget that.

(Chuckles)

Do you remember where you were?

We were talking about...

okay.

Hi, everybody. We're back.

So pretty much they're [bleep],

and they would hear screams from George Layhe.

Help, I'm gonna die.

John is like, George, everything's gonna be fine.

Just... just keep your chin up.

Literally.

He's like, that's a terrible thing to say.

And he [bleep] drowned in this shit.

Takes everyone four hours trying to save them.

21 people drowned.

150 people were injured because of this,

and the next day,

John Barry's hair turned completely white,

and the people, they were trying to say, like,

okay, who's to blame?

Is this... I burped while I said this.

Who's to blame?

And of course they're just like, pfft, not us.

- (Chuckles) - Good night, everybody.

(Blows raspberry)

The cleanup took

87,000 man hours.

The harbor for six months was just brown with molasses,

so even to this day on a really hot day

the people still claim

that they can smell molasses in Boston.

It [bleep] Boston up.

Arthur Jell did not get fired.

Arthur Jell got promoted.

That guy had a great [bleep] life

while other people were dead because of him.

(Slurping)

Pinkies out 'cause we're classy.

This is a [bleep] TV show.

Get it out there.

We... we'll kiss tips but that's a private thing for later.

Oh, friendship is real.

I know, it's for reals.

- We like life. - Mm-hmm.

And each others in it.

Here, good night.

(Triumphant music)

? ?

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