All language subtitles for Drunk History s03e07 Oklahoma.eng

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It's the biggest land-run ever.

Kentucky Daisey's like,
Sha-doink, this is my land.

Wine is a very... it... high
[bleep] up quotient.

Gordo is like, I'm
entering Earth's atmosphere.

[mimics shuttle]
[bleep] bravo to me!

Wait.

Bass Reeves arrested 3,000
men in the line of duty.

And he's like... pew, pew, pew.

[laughing] I love you.
I'ma kiss you on your lips.

[patriotic music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

I grew up in the middle
of bum[bleep] Oklahoma,

out in the Panhandle.

We have this great history... you know,

the Dust Bowl, and
everything really sucked.

And they were like, we're
gonna come through this.

Oklahoma, like, we
rose to the challenge.

We're the melting pot
of the United States.

We are the armpit
of the United States.

Or the armpit.
Melting pot... armpit...

What we really are,
is Texas' weird hat.

- Right.
- I've heard we're Kansas with a boner.

[laughs]
True.

- Do you like white wine?
- Yeah...

- You do?
- I do.

Wow, you don't know
any guys that like it.

- Cheers.
- Kentucky Daisey.

- Kentucky Daisey. [giggles]
- All the way.

Are you shooting it?
You seem experienced, fella.

You were, like... had been a
bridesmaid at one point in your life.

- And you had shot some wine.
- Maybe.

Hello, today we're gonna
talk about Kentucky Daisey

and the great Oklahoma
land-run. [laughs]

[chuckles]

- Oh no, I can't.
- You're fine.

So, late 1870s,
Kentucky Daisey is a journalist,

writing all... just the
fluff, garbage, women pieces.

They're like, Here's an assignment,

why don't you go write
about making corn pie

or pudding... article, or whatever.
Okay?

She's like, Pfft, I need a
little bit more meaty [bleep].

- Can I say... I can swear, right?
- Mm-hmm.

So, the government has this land,
it's like, 2 million acres.

I mean, taken from the
poor Native Americans,

and they're like, What if we
give it to some crazy pioneers?

Let them kinda cultivate it for us,

make some cities, et cetera.

Let's give the white people a chance.

It's so awful.
We took 2 million acres!

- Wow.
- It's very sad.

But anyways, God bless America.
[laughs]

So, she hears about this huge land-run.

April 22nd, noon, land-run,
160 acres for free...

to white people.

So, she is like, Hey, journalist, boss,
what if I went to this land-run

and I talked about what girls are
wearing in terms of petticoats?

But in her head is like,

I'm gonna get a piece
of this land for me.

So, she gets there.

There are 50,000 people
lining the border.

Cannon goes off at noon.

Boom.
Everybody's acting buck wild.

Everybody's buck. They'll
trample other people.

Take kids down. They don't care.

So, there's also a train that
goes into the lands as well.

And it's filled with journalists.
Kentucky Daisey's on the train.

She's trying to keep it cool.

But then, it goes up this
incline so it slows down.

Kentucky Daisey's like,
[bleep] this [bleep].

She jumps off of a moving train.
Over a ditch.

Gets to the plot of land that she wants,

pulls a stake out... pop!

Claims the land.
Shoots a gun off,

because, whatever, that's who she is.

Thus I salute the Ken...
What?

- What?
- The Kentucky Daisey claim.

Thus I salute the Kentucky
Daisey claim! [mimics gunfire]

She gets the land.

And so, on her little piece of property,

she builds a house and whatever,

but she starts to kinda
get that hunger again.

She's like, I'm gonna
go to this next land-run,

and I'm gonna ride a horse
in, like a badass bitch.

Boom! Cannon goes off.

And she does, she rides a horse in.
She's super cool.

And then the horse acts
like a [bleep] asshole.

Throws her.

Tromps her face with its
little horse hooves...

- She what?
- Tromped her face.

What do they do? Trample?
Tramp?

The horse tramped her face?
[laughs] Right?

- Yeah.
- Who cares? She lost it.

So, she's out. She's unconscious.

She wakes up, she's like,
Where am I?

By the way, who cares where I am,

it's land, I'm gonna claim it.

I don't give a [bleep] where I am.
Sha-doink. This is my land.

People next door are like,

You just got hit in the [bleep] face.
You're cray.

Now she's got two plots of land.

That's it, that's it.
That's the cap.

So, Kentucky Daisey brought 11 women.

She's like, Girls, we're
gonna go into these new lands.

We're gonna give you some
property for yourselves.

Like, have at it. This is for us.

This is lady land.
Let's put up some houses,

establish some lady property.

Put a hot tub up.
Do whatever you want.

These bitches are [bleep] rifled up.

They're called Daisey's Amazons
by "The New York Times."

So, they go in there...
here's the crazy part,

you're supposed to go in at noon,

that's the time, but
they go in days early...

which is illegal.
That's like a thing.

Those people were called sooners.

And they hide in a ditch.

So, their whole thing
is like, Hey, by the way,

if like a [bleep] dude
runs up on you tonight,

shoot him in the throat.

Sounds like a blast, but okay.

Kentucky Daisey gets it in
her head that... she's like,

You know what we need?
Snacks... supplies.

Food, whatever it was.
I'll volunteer to get the Fritos.

They're like, cool. She goes out.

And the guys in charge
of the land-run are like,

No, not cool.
We're gonna capture you.

You can't get the land.

Sorry, you can't go get your Fritos.

Mmm. [sniffs]

She diverted the attention
that might have been

on these 11 ladies that
were hiding in the ditch.

And they ended up being land owners.

I'm gonna throw up...
I'm not!

People underestimate the power of wine.

Wine is a very... it... high
[bleep] up quotient.

- I agree.
- This is two bottles. [laughs]

[chuckles] So, anyways, in 1893,
it's the biggest land-run ever.

She gets 36 single broads.

She's like, [bleep] those stereotypes.

These are my... hos.
This is the best.

That's what she said.
She was like,

[bleep] blow into these territories

and make a bunch of women
in charge of these lands.

That's everybody's nightmare.
[bleep] yes!

36 single women claimed the land,
set up houses and schools,

and they built themselves...
how dare they.

And that land became Oklahoma,
like, the Sooner State.

She's, kind of,
the mother of Oklahoma. [pistol shot]

You know, it's not all about pioneers.
It's not all about families.

It could be a [bleep] single lady
making it on your own.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know?

Bitches be doing it for themselves.

- To Kentucky Daisey.
- We love you.

We love you.

So, John Glenn is like,
Ten, night, eight, seven...

Gordo's like, Let's just,
like, do it, I'm ready.

Have another drink.
Stop being a little bitch, Derek.

[Steve Earle's "Copperhead Road"]

All right, here we go.
Heels.

Oh, oh, that's right, it's only...

Here we go with the turn.
And stomp!

? You better stay away
from Copperhead Road ?

Derek, come join me.

- Where are you?
- In the bushes.

What're you doing in the bushes?
Come out and play.

Have another drink.
Stop being a little bitch, Derek.

[laughs]
That's good. I like this moustache.

Hi. My name is Laura...
My name is Laura Steinel.

And today we're talking
about Gordon Cooper.

The year is 1963.

Gordon Cooper, he's this
military test pilot from Oklahoma.

NASA had just begun.

And so, he was one of seven
astronauts chosen for Project Mercury.

Also, really chill.

He was like,
Please, call me Gordo.

Don't call me Gordon.
I'm not that official.

Right? And so, all these
space missions go off

without a hitch, and NASA's like,

We've done really well.
Congrats, NASA.

And they're patting
themselves on the back.

And Gordo's like,
Guys, I totally get it.

Like, that's really cool,
like, pats on the back.

But if you want to
send a man to the Moon,

you should maybe see if someone could

be in space for, I don't know,
24 hours.

And NASA's like,
Ugh, yeah I guess, Gus.

Yeah, sure, Gus.

- Gordo.
- Oh, [bleep], sorry.

- I'm an idiot.
- That's okay.

- All right, all right.
- You're fine.

So, Gordo goes on the launch pad.

NASA'd be like,
Hey, just like, really quick...

Like, don't touch anything.

NASA would completely
control everything.

It was so bad that the
astronauts felt like, um,

spam in a can.
[chuckles]

Is what they referred
to themselves as.

So, anyway, he launches
into space and it's like,

Three, two, one, blast off.

[mimics rocket firing]

Are you shooting that...
Okay, good.

He gets up into space
and everything's cool.

He's like, I'm orbiting
the [bleep] Earth.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I wa...
- You can swear.

No, my mom... I try not...

I'm not...
I'm gonna try not to swear.

So, he's in space.
He sends back the first

TV images of a human,
back to Earth.

He has a little powdered
roast beef dinner.

He's just having a ball.

So, he takes a nap.

The first guy to ever sleep in space.

He wakes up and he's like,
It's good to be Gordo.

And then, he's like,
Oh, [bleep], no, it's not.

Because... beep, beep.

Oh... [bleep].
I have no stabilization unit.

Everyone in Mission
Control is freaking out.

They're like, Oh, God.
This doesn't look good.

And Gus Grissom is
like, Bro, I love you.

I'm gonna tell your wife you're a hero.

Gordo's like, No, stop it.

I'm gonna take control
over the spaceship.

Gus is like, You're about
to do something none of...

no one has ever done before.

And Gordo's like,
Yeah, no, I know.

So, just shut the [bleep] up, Gus.
I've got control.

He starts to take over manual control.

But, at that moment, he loses
radio signal with Gus Grissom.

And so, he gets a radio signal
over to his friend John Glenn,

who's on the recovery
boat over in Japan.

Then he's like, John Glenn, hey.
It's me, Gordo.

Um, I have absolutely no
power in my spacecraft.

And I just wanna get back home

because I'm a really
chill guy. It's me, Gordo.

And he's like, Okay,
here's what we're gonna do.

And so, together they go
through this checklist.

Uh, put this thing up.
Like, press this button.

There's all these things he needs to do.

But then Gordo's like,
Oh, [bleep].

Beep. And his carbon
dioxide meter's going off.

And it's like,
Beep, beep, you're [bleep].

And he's like,
Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm totally [bleep] [bleep].

But I...
no, but he's chiller than that.

No, hold on.
He's way calmer than that.

John Glenn, look, my
carbon dioxide meter's

going off and, uh...
It's like 100 degrees in my cabin.

Which means he's [bleep] dying.

But he's not being
a Debbie Downer about it.

And he's like, I need to get to Earth.

But, like, manual reentry
had never been done before.

So, if he enters the
Earth's atmosphere too steep,

he's gonna blow up.
So, he says, Okay.

There's the Big Dipper.
There's the Little Dipper.

Gemini...
He draws an axis on the window

and uses the constellations
as his constant.

And he says, This is
going to be my angle

at which I can enter Earth's atmosphere.

Which I think is... pretty incredible.

So, John Glenn is like, Okay.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Gordo's like,
Let's just, like, do it, I'm ready.

So, he fires, uh...
[grunts]

Uh, what does this mean?

[laughs]

[chuckling] What's it called when
there's fire coming out of stuff?

What... when it's like a fire...

[groans]

[laughs]

He fires the rockets.

[mimics rocket blast]

He had a $5 wristwatch,
and that's what he used

to figure out how long
to fire his rockets.

[mimics rocket blast]

Gordo is like, I'm
entering Earth's atmosphere!

[bleep] bravo to me!

Wait. Oh.

[both laugh]
And he splashes down.

And he has the most
accurate splash-down, ever,

in... NASA history.

He's like, so chill. He's like,
Hey, guys, I made it.

I'm not surprised.
It's me, Gordo.

Big whoop.

- Gordo changed the game.
- Great.

He had a $5 wristwatch!

- All right, Mark.
- I'm listening.

- Well, you're gonna do some talking.
- Hello.

- I'm Mark Gagliardi.
- I'm Mark Gagliardi.

And today, we're gonna talk about...

Oh, is this really
that part of the thing?

- Yep.
- Yeah, now you're woken up.

Here he comes.

This is how television
works, bitches.

- Ready?
- Which camera?

- Action.
- Hi, I'm Mark Gagliardi.

[glass crashes] Today
we're gonna talk about

Bass Reeves.
[laughs]

Bass Reeves is born as a slave.

One night,
Bass Reeves and his master

get in an argument over a poker game.
Bass Reeves...

punches his owner in the face.
And Bass Reaves thinks to himself,

Oh, [bleep], you guys, I
just coldcocked my boss.

Listen, let's be honest, my owner.

This is probably not
gonna be good for me.

So, Bass Reeves hightails it
to the Indian Territories of Oklahoma.

So, Bass Reeves winds up living
among the Seminole Nation,

learning the language of all
of these indigenous peoples.

And trained in the
ways of Native American

- tracking and hunting.
- Hmm, awesome.

- Ah, I appreciate you, Derek. I love you.
- I love you.

You're my... listen, I'm...

We're gonna make a baby.
Um... [both laugh]

I may be aimed down
at the ground for

the whole of this, but
don't worry about that.

In 1875 the U.S. is changing.

Taming the Wild West and
all that kinda [bleep].

U.S. Marshal James Fagan knew
that this was dangerous work.

He needed the guy that full on
dances with wolvesed in that area.

[laughs]
So, Fagan goes to Reeves.

Hey, I have 75,000 square miles

to cover to bring bad guys to justice.

And Bass Reeves said,
Listen, I'm ambidextrous,

I can shoot a gun with both hands.

I'm 6'2" and 390 pounds.

I'm gonna be the guy
that keeps you safe.

The only thing I can say to you is...

I'm gonna tape a... take a nap.
[bleep] you.

? There he goes on the floor ?

- Derek?
- Mm-hmm?

- Take my hand.
- Good night, then.

Night. So...

So, Bass Reeves is working as a
U.S. Marshal, picking up bad guys.

So, one of the bad guy
things that he does is,

he dresses himself up as an old beggar

at the homestead of
a couple of bad guys' mother.

He says, I'm just a poor old beggar.

I just need a place
to stay for the night.

So she gives Bass Reeves
a place to spend the night.

As soon as the two outlaws fell asleep,

Bass Reeves pulled down his shawl,
grabs his six shooter.

He says, The Bass w...
hold on.

I'm gonna corner their dumb
asses while they're sleeping.

I'll sleep you...

I will sleep clack you
into my handcuffs, bitches!

And I'm gonna grag you...

I'm gonna grag you...
hold on.

I'm gonna drag your asses in jail

where I gathered up all the criminals.

- That's pretty badass.
- Listen, mother[bleep],

I'll tell you this whole story, hold on.

This is how big a badass Bass Reeves is.

The Brunter Brothers,
another group of outlaws,

ambushed him at gunpoint.
Bass Reeves kept his cool,

turned to the first
Brunter Brother and said,

I'm sorry, do you know
what the date is today?

And as that brother was trying to
figure out the date for the day,

Bass Reeves shoots
the first two brothers.

And then coldcocked the other brother

and carried them back to
the court at Fort Lewis.

And they're like, You know what?
[bleep] you, Bass Reeves!

[bleep] you and your knowing
what's right and wrong!

[bleep] you, Honest...
Honest Jack Reeves!

[bleep] you, Bass Reeves,

and your wanting to give
the honesty to the people!

- Mark.
- I love you. [laughing]

I love you.
I'ma kiss you on your lips.

- Derek Waters.
- No.

I'ma kiss you on your lips.

I just wanna hold your face.

- Will you finish the story if I do this?
- I promise I will.

- Promise?
- I'm...

- No slapping.
- I'm not gonna slap you, Derek.

- What're you gonna do?
- Derek? [sighs]

- That was very nice.
- I'm gonna take a nap now.

Nope. You promised, if
you could touch my face...

- I'll touch your face.
- You were gonna finish

- the [bleep] story.
- I'ma finish it, hold on.

So, uh, one night,
Bass Reeves is chasing after Jim Webb.

He'd killed a ton of
dudes, and Bass Reeves...

pew, pew, pew...
shot down this dude.

And this guy is laying
there, on the ground,

looks up at Bass Reeves, and he says,

Bass, this bullet that
is designed for you...

Nah, man.
I want this bullet to be designed

for people that [bleep] you up.

That guy, Jim Webb, gave that gun

to Bass Reeves because he respects him.

- Derek.
- Shh. Tell the story.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Bass Reeves threw more
men in jail than any

other Marshal in U.S.
history, 3,000 men.

And when he died,
his funeral was attended

by hundreds of people.
White...

Black...
Native American...

and whatever the other
thing was that they had.

And they all went
to pay their respects to this,

the most important man,
of the wild frontier.

You know what?
Reeves was the inspiration...

for the Lone Ranger.

How come more people
don't know that Bass Reeves

is who inspired the Lone Ranger?

Because he's black.

- That's sad.
- Yeah.

- Well, we're changing history now.
- I love you.

[orchestral music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

Right.

And then what happens?

Mm-hmm.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0