All language subtitles for Drunk History s02e08 Philadelphia.eng

sync & correction by f1nc0
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[patriotic music]

Von Steuben's like,

I am gonna whip you guys into shape.

New coach is in town.

Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas

that he bangs all the time.

I keep seeing spit flying from my mouth.

- No, I'm feeling it.
- Benedict Arnold's like, yeah,

I am going to betray the United States.

And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.

I drank all the whiskey in town.

- Oh.
- I'm too drunk.

2x08 - "Philadelphia"

People don't like
us 'cause we're honest.

We're brutally honest
here, and we'll tell you,

[bleep], if you don't like
it, then go [bleep] yourself.

It's a hardworking, blue-collar town.

A lot of these people in this town

will give the shirt off
their back for anybody.

It's the most historic
city in the country.

It's the birthplace of America.
We got everything...

Independence hall,
Liberty mother[bleep] bell.

We got it all, man.
Boston, [bleep] you. Yeah.

Hey, buddy, thanks
for having me over.

- Of course.
- How are you feeling?

Man, I haven't been drunker.

- You what?
- Never been drunker.

All right.
Are you ready to tell history?

Yeah, I can do it. Yeah.

Hi.
This story will be about Wilhelm...

[mumbles]

[laughs]

I'm gonna tell you a story
about General Von Steuben.

It's the American revolution.

Washington troops are freezing to death.

They said, Washington, you
don't know what you're doing.

Everybody around us is dying.

They don't have anything to eat.

They are freezing cold.
What are you gonna do?

Washington says, I'm gonna
talk to my buddy Ben Franklin.

'Cause I don't even know,
but Franklin was just partying in Paris.

It's very weird.

Franklin learns of this Prussian
war general... Von Steuben.

He was trained by the king of Prussia.

Ben Franklin says,

hey, Von Steuben,
why don't you come to California?

- Nah.
- No.

Ben Franklin says, why
don't you come to America

and fight for us?

And Von Steuben's like,
look, I already got kicked out

of Prussia for being gay.
I'm okay here in Paris.

It's okay to be gay in Paris.

And Paris is like,
not okay to be gay in Paris.

We're about to kick you out.

And Von Steuben says,
check, please.

[laughs]

So Von Steuben shows up
with cooks and butlers.

He's dressed to the nines.
He's wearing furs.

He's got a dog, and he says,
hey, I'm Von Steuben.

He looks at all of General
Washington's soldiers,

and he says,
look at this group of dogs.

They're dying.
They're starving.

They have no ammunition, no love.

The soldiers are like,
I don't like this guy.

George Washington says, no, no.
Give him a chance.

Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.

And Von Steuben's like,
I am gonna whip you guys into shape.

New coach is in town.

Von Steuben starts
training the soldiers,

running them through the ranks.

He's stretching them
through the stretchers.

He's yelling at them in Prussian.
And they go, what's he saying?

Washington is like, oh, boy.

The guy doesn't even speak English,

so he says,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah.

And they hear, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

What are we gonna do?

But guess what.
A young captain shows up... Ben Walker.

He says, I can understand
all the blah-blah-blahs.

I speak Prussian, and I can help
the Americans understand him.

Von Steuben turns over
his shoulder and sees...

the most handsome
American he's seen so far.

Steuben's into blondes and
this guy is platinum blonde.

Beautiful cheekbones, puffy lips.

Benjamin Walker says,
I will be your guide,

and, uh, they become buds.

"Buds."
[laughs]

They have this... this...
this training montage.

[Survivor's Eye of the Tiger]

So Benjamin Walker ends up
being exactly what they needed.

He helps them with the troops.
Von Steuben starts teaching them things.

He's like, these are knives.
You can use them to stab people.

And they're like,
oh, that's a great idea.

He teaches them how
to clean their teeth.

Teaches them how to clean their bodies
so they don't get disease.

People were like, we're just
trying to win a war, man.

And he was like,
this is how you win a war.

? it's the eye of the tiger ?

They start training
harder, and then he says,

Ben Walker, yell at them in English,

and that guy says, more squats.
More squats, come on!

He literally churn... he churned...

he churned the army into butter.

- Do you know any drinking games?
- Oh, yeah.

I was just thinking, is there any way
we could take this shot?

- Oh, what's that?
- You got to drink.

Oh. Wait.

So...
it's the battle of springtime.

No, it's battle hill.

No, it's the battle of Barren Hill.

These terrified kids
are just crushing it.

His troops start beating
battle after battle,

using the tactics of Von Steuben.

They use their bayonets.

They had all clean teeth,
and they won the war.

Washington said,

Von Steuben,
you can live with Washington...

- I'm sorry...
- Ben Walker.

Washington said, I'm
gonna give you a house

to live in, and I want
you to live with that guy,

Ben Wa... Ben Wa...
that guy.

I will grant you the
most beautiful love ever.

So the army used Von Steuben's
tactics for 100 years.

They called it the blue...
the Blue Book.

That's why we're here safe.

So Von Steuben saved the world.

This story's like that
movie Renaissance Man.

Remember when Danny DeVito
came as the poetry teacher?

No. No, it's not like that.

It's more like the, uh...

- the guys from the world cups...
- Okay.

- Isn't that...
- Mm-hmm.

- Isn't that...
- Mighty Ducks.

Yeah, that's it.

It's more like the world mighty cups.

- The Mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.

Yeah.

I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.

The history of Philadelphia...
what's your favorite part?

- Answer it, Anna.
- Come on, Anna!

Cheesesteaks?

In Philly, you can go
and get a good cheesesteak.

It's a pride thing.

- It is a pride thing.
- Yeah.

There's so much history
here, but the people

alive today only care
about goddamn cheesesteaks.

We can't get over the fact
that we figured out to put

cheese and steak in a [bleep] roll.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

Did you have a hole in
that, or what happened?

I'm gonna clean that up.

- Like, really?
- I didn't do that.

You know this is my
goddamn home, right?

You live in this [bleep]hole?

Hello. Today we're gonna talk to
you about the election of 1800.

[slurps, laughs]

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams...

they were founding fathers of America.

They were also the best of friends.
Adams was like, the constitution...

you can kind of bend that
how you need to bend it.

We can kind of work with this,
and Jefferson was always like,

constitution is the constitution.
You can't [bleep] with that.

But they loved each other...
until Adams became president,

and immediately they
started butting heads.

John Adams was like, it's
illegal to talk any [bleep]

about the President
of the United States,

and if you disagree with
the federal government,

[bleep] you.

And Jefferson was like,
well, this is tyranny.

That's a violation of a little
something called freedom of speech.

It all really reaches its
head on the election of 1800,

where these two lifelong friends
were pitted against each other.

Adams is like,
if you elect Thomas Jefferson,

here's what you're gonna get.

Murder all the time.

Everybody's gonna be
murdering each other.

Incest, your wives will
lose their virtue having sex

with a lot of dudes willy-nilly.

So Jefferson starts talking a
lot of [bleep] about John Adams.

We're talking about guys who,
like, created this country.

They were really like a
bunch of eighth graders.

He was like, you know what?
Adams has prostitutes

shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.

I'm just gonna... I'm just
gonna tell you that right now.

I-I feel like I keep seeing
spit flying from my mouth.

- No, I'm feeling it.
- Am I spitting a lot?

Yeah, I'm glad
you're seeing it, yeah.

- That's good.
- I'm in the splash zone.

So Jefferson went to the newspapers.

He says, I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

He's got both man
and woman sex organs.

This is, like, a published statement
from Thomas Jefferson.

Adams was like, okay, fine.
You want to go that route?

That's when [beep] got really dirty.

Adams says, oh, by the
way, if you were thinking

about voting for Jefferson,
you shouldn't because he's dead.

- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.

- Vote for me. I'm alive.
- Yeah. Even if you disagree

with everything I say,
at the very least, I'm alive.

Would you rather be accused of having

a penis and a vagina or being dead?

I think being alive
with a penis and a vagina

would be an amazing experience.

And you're alive.
[laughs]

Jefferson calls upon a hatchet man,

James Callender, to publish
newspaper articles about Adams.

Adams...

What was I gonna say?

Oh, yeah, and he was gonna
go to war with the French.

That's what was published
in the newspaper.

And it's a lie. It's not true at all.

America was like, I don't want
to go to war with the French.

That sounds terrible.

And they elect Jefferson into office.
Jefferson wins.

Adams is like, you want to
go with this loser, fine.

But before I leave, I'm going
to appoint all of these people

who violently oppose
everything Jefferson stands for,

and then he's like, I hope
you like all these ass[bleep].

So cut to four years down the line,

and Jefferson's daughter dies,
and Abigail Adams is like,

Look, I know we've had our
differences with Jefferson,

but I should pop him off a letter.

She's like, look, I'm
really, really sorry

about your daughter, and
it sucks that she is dead.

Jefferson gets this
letter, and he's like,

I-I want to thank you so
much for being so considerate

about the death of my daughter.

But while I've got your attention,
I also want to tell you,

[bleep] you, and [bleep] your
husband for being such ass[bleep]

Who [bleep] up my presidency.

This is how immature these great
men of American history were.

He can't even, like, just...

Like, that should have
been two separate letters.

She's like, John, you know what?

We're done with Thomas Jefferson.
He's an ass[bleep].

I tried to make it work with this guy,
but [bleep] him.

So these two don't speak for a decade.

Eventually, Benjamin Rush,

who was another founding
father, was like,

look, John Adams. Johnny,
I love you two guys.

Why aren't you speaking anymore?

Why can't we all be friends like
we used to back in those glory days,

those 1776 days that were so magical?

And John Adams was like,
look, I love Tommy Jeffs.

I'm a big fan.
I'll pop him off a letter.

It's very general.

It's like, hey, how you doing?
I-I miss you.

I hope you're all right.
How's things going?

Jefferson gets the letter.

He's like, Adams, Johnny ads.
Good to hear from you, buddy.

It's been ten years. How's life?

And then the letters start
flowing, and before you

know it, they start to
connect on certain things.

They start to connect on,
I'm a little concerned about slavery.

Thomas Jefferson was
like, I'm anti-slavery,

but I do have hundreds of slaves.
[chuckles]

Uh...

Uh...

- What am I talking about?
- Keep going. You got it.

It's weird how quickly
alcohol makes you not realize

what you said at all.
[laughs]

So, by the end of their life,
these two have exchanged 158 letters,

and they're best friends again.

Then it's 1826.
John Adams is on his deathbed,

and his last words are,
independence forever, and also,

Thomas Jefferson survives because
that guy's [bleep] awesome.

Little did he know that
just a few hours prior,

miles and miles away, Thomas
Jefferson had also died.

That day was July 4th,
the 50th anniversary

of the signing of the
Declaration of Independence,

- which is crazy.
- That's true friendship.

- True friendship.
- Cheers.

To friendship.
You're my best friend.

- We barely know each other.
- No, we're best friends.

They realized Benedict
Arnold has become a traitor.

Benedict's like, babe,
we've been found out.

People say that this place
is haunted. Do you feel that?

I'm sure that the spirits
that are in this house

are very accepting of
the fact that we're here.

I can't deny something's going on.

You know, the [bleep]'s getting real.

Benedict Arnold.

Both: Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold.

Oh, my.
He just said they called me an idiot.

That's sad.

- I feel things, chip.
- No, say it ain't so.

If there's any spirit in this room,
touch Derek.

Do you hear that?

- That was my stomach.
- Okay.

I will admit to that one.

[glasses clinking]
Cheers. Good ghost hunting.

Drink up, bitches.

- Thanks for having me over.
- Oh, my gosh, I've been, uh...

I drank all the whiskey in town.

All of it?
There's none to share?

- Oh, there's some to share.
- Okay.

I'm too drunk.
[laughs]

Hello. Today we are going to
talk about Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold was a general
in the American revolution.

He's a hero of Saratoga,
but the Continental Congress

promoted five other generals
and not Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold was
very bummed out by that,

so he goes to Philadelphia.

There's a young woman, Peggy Shippen,

who is the it girl of Philadelphia.

Peggy was like, I'm
hilarious, I'm British,

And I'm the most beautiful
person that anyone's ever seen.

She has a suitor named John Andre,

but Benedict sees her and just
falls crazy in love with her

and tells her, it's better with you...
this is not an exact quote.

It's better... you are so great.

I love you so much.
You're so great.

So she marries Benedict Arnold,
who I believe she also loved.

- Oh, god.
- What?

I just realized that I was being filmed.

[both laugh]
My god.

So, anyway, Peggy says,

sweetheart, you deserve to be backed

by the government that you belong to.

You know, the British...

would appreciate you.
They would love you.

Also, my family's British.

Benedict's like, no, no, no.

No, I'm not gonna... I'm not
gonna defect to the British side.

That's insane.
George Washington's my daddy, kind of.

Peggy says, look, I have a friend
in the British army, John Andre.

Benedict's like, is that
guy your ex-boyfriend?

Peggy's like, well, I mean,

Benedict, if you really want to
be with me, be more confident.

And Benedict's like, yeah.

yeah, I am going to
betray the United States

because I love you, and
I'm going to prove to you

that I am not jealous,
and makes love to his wife.

And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.

This is so great because I love drama.

I'm Peggy Shippen,
like, what an adventure.

She was just a sheltered,
entitled [bleep].

I have this whole imaginary
chorus of women that are like,

don't say [bleep].
Don't say [bleep].

But she was a [bleep] [bleep].
[laughs]

She was bad.

Peggy says, you write me letters.

I'm going to pass them on to John Andre.

So Benedict writes letters
which are really passionate.

They're like, oh, Peggy, I love
that I get to do it with you,

Because he knows that John
Andre is going to get them.

Also, the continental army
is going to West Point.

Also, I love you, and
I love you. I love you.

So they're passing letters
back and forth, back and forth,

back and forth.

And eventually Benedict
tells John Andre,

okay, I'm gonna give you the
information on how to attack us.

I'll tell you everything.

Also, I'm going to invite
George Washington to my house,

so you can take him if you want.
Like, his friend.

- Love.
- Yeah, it sucks, sucks so much.

So they meet behind American lines,

and Benedict takes out
all these maps and says,

okay, if you're going to attack,
you need to attack this way,

And they're signed by Benedict Arnold,

which I don't understand
why he would do that.

So John Andre starts headed home.

He doesn't get very far
before he encounters three men.

They're like, okay, you have a red coat,

and you have a British accent.
We're going to search you.

John Andre's like, ugh.

And he has these maps,

and they realize that Benedict
Arnold has become a traitor.

- I made a cake.
- Oh, my gosh!

- It's a history book that's drunk.
- That's amazing.

Thank you for teaching
me about Benedict Arnold.

- Cheers.
- Cake.

Ah.

So Benedict says to Peggy,
babe, we've been found out.

And she's like,
you just... you, get out of here.

Like, I'll deal with it on this end.

Meanwhile, George Washington
is walking up to their house.

George Washington, head of...

Life? The head of the entire
continental army is like,

Oh, I'm gonna have breakfast
with, uh, Peggy and Benedict,

my favorite people in the whole world.

He gets these papers that
Benedict Arnold betrayed him,

and he very famously says,
whom do we trust now?

[shudders]

I'm too drunk.
Um, he goes to the house.

Peggy, meanwhile, rips
off half of her clothes.

She's holding
her six-month-old.

Peggy says, ah!
You are sent here to kill my baby.

Baby killer, you're
here to kill my baby.

And he's like, oh, my gosh,
you're crazy. You're so cra... no.

He's just like, uh,
women with their hysteria.

She's crazy right now,
but she's absolute...

I can say without a doubt
that she is innocent.

She was...she was... she was brilliant.

She was great.
She wasn't great.

She was bad.
[laughs]

Anyway, Benedict Arnold
joins the British.

He's like, hey, I was
American five minutes ago,

and now I'm British.
Let's do this.

And they were like, no, we
don't... we don't trust you

because you're this traitor.
Just get the [bleep] out of here.

And he was shunned by everyone.

Then he was this, and
like, limping, sad mean man.

And before he died, he said to Peggy,
take out my continental uniform,

and she put it on him, and he said,

I-I regret ever wearing
any other uniform,

and he died.
He died in his American uniform.

You know what's really
funny about being drunk

is that you really feel
like you're doing all

the important things
that you needed to do.

Right.

[both laugh]

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