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[Patriotic music]
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00:00:11,911 --> 00:00:14,880
- The Lakota "Indrians"
saw Lewis and Clark.
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00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:16,814
They're like, we're gonna
fuck your shit up.
4
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,374
And so they were like,
oh, we might need
5
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:20,045
to be dicks about this.
6
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:23,180
- Now, Williams Jennings Bryan
was so excited.
7
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,214
- Oh, my God...
8
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:28,989
I'm gonna destroy you
as a witness.
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00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,361
- And Dolly Parton thinks,
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00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:34,265
"Jolene,"
that is the name
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00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:37,428
of a fucking country
and western song!
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00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:45,468
? ?
Ripped By mstoll
13
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:52,075
- I mean, have you heard
my accent?
14
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,745
[Laughs]
15
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,255
I mean, yeah,
I guess it's pretty evident.
16
00:00:56,289 --> 00:00:58,348
Somebody asks, you know,
hey, man, where you from?
17
00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,416
I'm like, man, I'm from
fucking Nashville, dude.
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00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,724
I'm fucking... you know,
where shit's happening.
19
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:06,129
- Yeah, this is a really,
really big small town.
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00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:08,066
You see people
on downtown Broadway,
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00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,035
and they've got, like,
giant green-ass cowboy boots
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00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,197
and big fucking hats... they know
how stupid they look.
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They don't care.
It's Nashville.
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- You are a man.
Holy shit.
25
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,548
- [Laughs]
- Thank you, buddy.
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00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,986
That's a fucking cowboy
right there.
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00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,455
- Hello.
28
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:34,085
Today, we're gonna
talk about Dolly Parton
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00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,425
and Porter Wagoner.
30
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:40,160
Porter Wagoner had his own
television show in Nashville.
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On his show, he sang songs,
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and he also had what they called
"a girl singer"
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00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,135
named Norma Jean.
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00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,606
But Norma Jean
left the show.
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00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,973
Enter Dolly Parton.
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00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:52,978
And Dolly Parton just thinks,
oh, shit,
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he heard the songs
that I sent him for Norma Jean,
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00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:57,774
and wants me to write
more songs.
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00:01:57,817 --> 00:01:59,842
And Porter Wagoner
sits her down and is like,
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00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:02,354
hey, I want you to be
on my show,
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00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:05,289
and you'll be the girl singer,
'cause you're a girl.
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00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,849
Over the course
of the next six years,
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00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,485
they just, like, kill it.
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00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:12,294
13 duet albums, 18 hits,
and everyone loves them.
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00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:13,799
And she wants to have
a solo career,
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00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,630
but every time
she writes a song,
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he's like,
you gotta do it this way.
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00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,194
I'm the boss.
It's my fucking show.
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00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:21,002
You will do it how I say.
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00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,099
I'm Porter Wagoner.
It's The Porter Wagoner Show.
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00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,701
You're my girl singer.
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00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:27,178
Okay, I guess I'll follow
along 'cause I have to,
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00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,475
'cause you're the boss.
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00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,710
But her solo...
like, none of her songs
55
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,150
are doing that well
in her solo career.
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00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:34,847
And one night,
she signs an autograph
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with this little
auburn-haired girl.
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00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:41,525
She says, hey, darlin',
what's your name?
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00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:44,325
And the girl says,
Jolene.
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00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,355
And she says, Jolene?
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Jolene!
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00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,661
Jolene, Jolene.
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That is the name of a fucking
country and western song!
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And that is her first
huge fucking hit.
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Everyone is like,
we like that song.
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00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,041
Dolly Parton.
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00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,878
[Laughs] So...
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00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,714
- They clapped.
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00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,549
- But they bought the record.
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00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:11,023
And now she's gotta tell
Porter Wagoner
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she's gotta go
and do her own thing.
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00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,484
And she doesn't know
how to tell him.
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00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:17,018
So she decides,
I gotta write a song.
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00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:19,190
Because that's how...
when you're Dolly Parton,
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00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,723
that's how you
express yourself.
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She sits him down,
and she sings to him.
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I will always love you...
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I will always love you.
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Fact...
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It's probably the most
beautiful song
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that's ever been written.
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And if you... if you listen
to that song,
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in the course of that song
she makes this promise
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00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,389
to Porter Wagoner...
85
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I will always love you.
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00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,899
And he says,
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that is the most
beautiful thing
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I've ever heard in my life.
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00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,570
That's the best song
you've ever written.
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00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,471
Of course you can go.
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00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:03,975
[Laughs]
This is so fun.
92
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:07,446
This is the most fun
I've ever had in my life.
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00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,074
I'm gonna literally Instagram
this shit right now.
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00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:11,310
Where's my phone?
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00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:12,784
She goes to New York City,
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00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:16,915
and she walked straight
into the RCA offices.
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00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:18,389
Yeah, it's me, Dolly Parton.
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00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:19,823
Here's what's about
to happen.
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I'm leaving
The Porter Wagoner Show.
100
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,224
I'm getting brand-new
producers.
101
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,289
I will be bridging
country music and pop.
102
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:27,731
I'm gonna be in movies.
103
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Are you in, or are you out?
104
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Back me or back the fuck off.
105
00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:32,429
And they're all like,
cool, we're in.
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00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:33,837
Yeah.
Absolutely, we're in.
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00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,738
Yeah, you're... yeah,
you're fucking Dolly Parton.
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00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,242
Yeah, great.
Let's do this shit.
109
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,744
And she does exactly what
she said she would do
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00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,109
to those RCA executives.
111
00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,875
She starts recording
pop music.
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00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,541
And Porter Wagoner...
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00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:47,144
Porter Wagoner
only thought about himself.
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00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:50,178
Porter Wagoner
sues Dolly Parton.
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Basically says,
I want 15% of what you did,
116
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,155
I want 15% of what
you're doing,
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00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:59,028
and I want 15%
of what you're gonna do.
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00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:01,659
And Dolly Parton is like,
fuck!
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00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,726
Porter Wagoner,
just chill.
120
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,362
Chill out, man!
121
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,930
So she's like,
let's settle out of court.
122
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,839
And Wagoner's like,
cool, I'll take $1 million.
123
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,070
I'd like $1 million.
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00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:12,338
What does she do next?
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00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:15,404
Um, only makes
her first movie.
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00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:17,416
Dolly Parton is making 9 to 5.
127
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,384
She's making Best LlttleWhorehouse In Texas.
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00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:20,784
She's crushing it.
129
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,617
Porter Wagoner,
during this time,
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00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,646
he's off blowing money.
131
00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:27,353
He's giving jewelry out to the
women and shit like crazy.
132
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:30,590
He buys a fucking orange grove!
133
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:36,193
He owes the IRS $500,000.
134
00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:40,137
But Dolly Parton made a promise
to Porter Wagoner
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00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,868
that she would always
love him.
136
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,967
And she did...
137
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,411
and buys his entire
music catalogue from him
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00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,415
for millions of dollars.
139
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:53,715
She helped him out
when he was destitute.
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00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,584
Finally, when he gets back
on his feet,
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00:05:55,621 --> 00:05:58,613
Porter Wagoner tries
to buy his music catalogue back
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00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,922
from Dolly.
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00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,985
And she sends him a fax,
and the fax just says,
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00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,224
you can have it all back
for free.
145
00:06:05,264 --> 00:06:07,164
Love you, Dolly.
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00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,226
[Off-key note]
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00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:13,170
Oh, boy.
I am real drunk.
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00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:21,008
In 2007, Dolly Parton
has a premonition
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00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,810
that she needs to go
to Porter Wagoner.
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00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:25,283
Porter Wagoner was dying.
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00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,252
She went to his death bed.
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She sang to him.
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00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,686
[Off-key banjo note]
154
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:36,957
[Singing wildly off-key]
? But I know ?
155
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,794
? I'll think of you ?
156
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:45,429
? Each step of the way ?
157
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:49,703
? And I-I... ?
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00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:56,443
? Will always love you ?
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00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,814
And she lived up
to that promise
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00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:01,877
until his,
and I'm sure to her,
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00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,719
dying day.
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00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,494
- Williams Jenning Bryan says,
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00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,197
you scumbag!
164
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:22,333
You know what a fucking scumbag
you're being right now!
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00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,343
[Laughs]
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00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:33,318
- If you go and get
a science textbook in Tennessee,
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00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:36,344
you still have an off chance
of getting a sticker
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00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,449
that is right over the part
that says "evolution."
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00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:43,087
I mean, we're not backwards,
but people are religious.
170
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,960
- Hello.
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00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:49,661
Today, we're going to talk about
the Scopes Monkey Trial.
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00:07:49,702 --> 00:07:52,170
[Slurping]
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00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,663
In 1925, in Dayton,
Tennessee,
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00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:57,801
the economy was tanking.
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00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:00,039
George Rappleyea
was a lawyer.
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00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:03,537
One day, he saw an open letter
in the newspaper.
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00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:06,450
The ACLU,
which is a new organization,
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00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,148
offers to represent
any teacher
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00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,851
that wants to challenge
the new Tennessee state law
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00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:16,328
that forbids the teaching
of evolution.
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00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,125
This gives George an idea.
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00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:22,658
Hey, if someone locally
challenged this law,
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00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:25,830
it could become the trial
of the century,
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00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:28,841
and it could help the economy
in our shitty little town
185
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,809
that nobody knows about.
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00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,311
George Rappleyea,
who I want to call "apple yay,"
187
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,679
because it's the only way
I can remember his name.
188
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,082
Apple.
Yay!
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00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:41,018
But his name is Rappleyea.
190
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,816
- Right.
- Don't call him "apple yay."
191
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,050
Okay, I call him Rappleyea.
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00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:48,857
So they pitch this idea
to John Scopes,
193
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:50,590
of the Scopes Monkey Trial.
194
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,564
Isn't it terrible
that there's this law?
195
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:53,826
You're a science teacher.
196
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,994
- Yeah.
I'm a football coach.
197
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,903
I also took...
[laughs]
198
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:03,534
I'm a football coach.
I also teach a little science.
199
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:08,206
And I personally believe
in evolution.
200
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,944
The ACLU, they hire
the greatest defense attorney
201
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,179
probably ever... Clarence Darrow.
202
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,553
Public schools should
teach science and facts.
203
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,922
That's...
that's what I think.
204
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,894
William Jennings Bryan
comes in to fight
205
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:26,262
for the Tennessee state
statute, which he inspired.
206
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,426
You can't teach evolution.
207
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,697
Yeah, legally,
you can't teach it.
208
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,899
On the first day
of the Scopes Monkey Trial,
209
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,408
Williams Jenning Bryan...
210
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:39,434
Why does that not sound like
I'm saying it right?
211
00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:42,413
Williams...
212
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:43,915
Jenning...
213
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,076
Bryan...
214
00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:46,709
says to the court,
215
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:50,085
if evolution wins,
Christianity goes.
216
00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:53,717
And to that,
Clarence Darrow argued that,
217
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,590
Scopes isn't on trial.
218
00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:57,653
Civilization is on trial.
219
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,494
[Clicks tongue]
220
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,056
This was like a boxing match.
221
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,863
This was the trial
of the century,
222
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:06,303
and for the first time,
people were able to hear a trial
223
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,307
on their radios.
224
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,070
There was a point
in the trial
225
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:14,705
in which Clarence Darrow
asked scientists to explain
226
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:17,045
the theory of evolution.
227
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,948
But the judge
in the Scopes Monkey Trial
228
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,113
was John Raulston,
and he believed,
229
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:25,817
I have been called on
by God
230
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:27,758
to be the judge
in this case.
231
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:31,285
So I don't care what all
these scientists have to say.
232
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,595
They can't give testimony.
233
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,602
So Clarence Darrow decided,
234
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:41,096
okay, all of my witnesses,
they can't give testimony,
235
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:45,099
so I'll ask someone
who's an expert on the Bible
236
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,975
to give the testimony.
237
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:51,143
Hey... [laughs]
William Jennings Bryan.
238
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,447
I know you're on
the other side of this case,
239
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:57,354
but why don't you go
on the witness stand?
240
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,756
And I'll question you
about the Bible.
241
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:07,132
Now, Williams Jenning Bryan
was so excited about this.
242
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,192
He was like,
oh, my God.
243
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,967
I'm gonna destroy you
as a witness.
244
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,837
I will go
on the witness stand.
245
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,672
Now, the judge didn't want him
to do this.
246
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:21,111
The judge was presi...
prejudential.
247
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:23,047
[Laughs]
248
00:11:23,082 --> 00:11:26,779
[Laughing]
249
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:29,014
When Clarence Darrow puts
William Jennings Bryan
250
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,682
on the Bible, he asks,
251
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:34,625
do you believe all the stories
of the Bible literally?
252
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:37,686
And the first answer
of Williams Jenning Bryan is,
253
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:39,391
yes, the Bible is literal.
254
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,127
I believe in it literally.
255
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,658
And then, asking him
specific questions...
256
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,864
Where did Cain's wife
come from?
257
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,032
He made Adam and Eve,
and then all of a sudden
258
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:50,907
there are other people,
and Cain finds a wife.
259
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:53,207
Where did... where did Cain's
wife come from?
260
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:56,078
Williams Jenning Bryan
gets flustered and says,
261
00:11:56,115 --> 00:12:01,143
well, I-I leave that
up to you agnostics to find out.
262
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,882
That's all Clarence Darrow
needed.
263
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:06,016
So you're not interpreting
the Bible literally.
264
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,686
Clarence Darrow
goes on to destroy
265
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,094
Williams Jenning Bryan
on facts.
266
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:13,792
- Are you still spinning,
or how do you feel?
267
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,232
- Well, I'm...
268
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:17,201
I'm dizzy.
- Mm-hmm.
269
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,227
- I feel weird.
270
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:22,206
I feel like I think I know
where I'm going, and then,
271
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,732
I get utterly confused
about
272
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:27,075
where I thought
I was going.
273
00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:30,207
[Sighs] I know...
274
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,581
I'm gonna get Facebook
responses for this.
275
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:34,245
This was the complete
destruction
276
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:36,117
of Williams Jenning Bryan.
277
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:39,750
And Williams Jenning Bryan
looks like a fool.
278
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,761
But Williams Jenning Bryan
knows,
279
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:47,164
I have the most amazing
closing argument to make.
280
00:12:54,173 --> 00:12:59,634
- So the entire country
listening to the radio agrees
281
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:02,044
Clarence Darrow
just mopped the floor...
282
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,049
[laughs]
With Williams Jenning Bryan.
283
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,574
But Williams Jenning Bryan has
284
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,417
the most amazing
closing argument to make.
285
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:12,219
Unfortunately for him,
Clarence Darrow also knows
286
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:16,354
that he probably has a pretty
amazing closing argument.
287
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:19,523
So when the judge asks,
Clarence Darrow says,
288
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,465
I don't want to make
a closing argument.
289
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,127
By law...
290
00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:24,602
[laughs]
Williams Jenning Bryan
291
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,366
now cannot make
his closing argument.
292
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:28,635
He was like,
you scumbag!
293
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:32,303
You know what a fucking scumbag
you're being right now.
294
00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:34,107
He was just humiliated,
295
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,944
and now he can't even make
the closing argument
296
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,280
he's been working on
for the entire trial.
297
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,287
Because he knew that,
at least in the minds
298
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:44,653
of those listening to the trial
on the radio,
299
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:47,659
he had won,
and that's all he wanted.
300
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,593
Because he knew
he was gonna lose.
301
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:52,791
He wanted to lose so that
a higher court could decide
302
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,561
on this bigger law.
303
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:59,299
Six days after the trial,
Williams Jenning Bryan died,
304
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,772
and the press reported that
Williams Jenning Bryan
305
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:04,275
didn't die of diabetes,
306
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:08,269
he died of a broken heart.
307
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:10,339
- Do you think
they were right?
308
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,179
- No, I think he died
of diabetes.
309
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:14,482
- [Laughs]
Perfect ending.
310
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,987
- [Laughs]
311
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,616
- What comes to mind
about Lewis and Clark?
312
00:14:19,658 --> 00:14:21,421
- Hey, man, they made
the fucking trip!
313
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,190
I wish I had enough balls
to fucking walk that far
314
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,095
and do what they done,
you know?
315
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:27,325
I mean, that's hard-core.
316
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,993
Both: Hello.
317
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,526
Today, we're gonna talk
about Lewis and Clark.
318
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:37,769
- So Thomas Jefferson
was president.
319
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,641
He's like, yeah,
I'm gonna take...
320
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:42,875
I'm gonna double the expanse
of America.
321
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,576
I don't know what's out there.
- Yeah.
322
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,551
- I have no idea.
- Well, what is out there?
323
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:47,950
- I'm gonna buy it.
324
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,649
So he bought it, and then he had
this dude who was his friend
325
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,884
named...
- Meriwether Lewis.
326
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,120
- Jefferson is telling them,
we bought this land.
327
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,957
Explore it.
Make me a map.
328
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,691
Here's your deal.
329
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,894
- Like a bank, make friends
with the fucking Indians.
330
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,528
- Here's the deal
with Meriwether Lewis, though.
331
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,128
He was such a bummer.
- [Belches]
332
00:15:06,171 --> 00:15:08,833
- He was such a bummer.
- He was such a bummer.
333
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:11,866
So Lewis is tasked
with picking a partner,
334
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,141
and he picked Clark.
335
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:15,806
Uh, Lewis says, like,
336
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,180
there's no one
I would rather explore
337
00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:21,516
this fucked up territory with
than you.
338
00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:24,044
They wanted to find
a waterway passage
339
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,522
to the Pacific Ocean.
340
00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:27,821
So they started
in Missouri.
341
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,521
- They're seeing these
beautiful fucking,
342
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:31,927
like, valleys and rivers
and mountains
343
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:34,831
and gorgeous rock faces
and valleys,
344
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:38,997
and these crazy plains
that go on forever.
345
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:40,596
And there they fucking are.
346
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,834
- So they were like,
this is ours now
347
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,070
because we bought it
from the fucking French.
348
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,238
- So they're on the river,
and they hear,
349
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,339
the next tribe over
are assholes!
350
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:52,350
- They're... dude.
They're total dicks.
351
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:53,942
I remember this, yeah.
352
00:15:53,986 --> 00:15:56,716
- The Lakota "Indrians"
saw Lewis and Clark,
353
00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:58,120
and they were ready
to kill them.
354
00:15:58,157 --> 00:15:59,385
They were like,
355
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,256
we're gonna fuck your
shit up.
356
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,726
And so they were like,
oh, we might need
357
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,922
to be dicks about this.
358
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:09,401
- The chief of the Lakota tribe
sees that it's about to be
359
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,926
a stab-on-stab brawl
at the riverbank,
360
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,939
and he says,
everyone chill out.
361
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,804
Chill out.
You know what?
362
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:18,708
You guys can stay, as long as
the women and children
363
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,302
come and look at you.
364
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:23,543
- Ew, that's creepy.
365
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:25,277
- They were able to stay
with the Lakota tribe
366
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,716
for almost two weeks.
367
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,617
And so each
of Lewis and Clark's men
368
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,485
got, like, four wives.
- Yeah, they were like,
369
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:32,456
later days,
I'm gonna go check out these...
370
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,118
- Like, hookers.
- All the hooker wives.
371
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:37,560
- And sure enough,
everyone on the expedition...
372
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,894
- They got fucking crazy STDs.
373
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,661
- Crazy VD.
And Lewis,
374
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,134
he would have to give them
a mercury tonic.
375
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:47,798
- Mercury on your genitals!
Come on!
376
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,603
- It's crazy poisonous!
377
00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:51,472
- I don't mean to,
like, complain,
378
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,239
but that sounds awful.
379
00:16:53,278 --> 00:16:54,745
They'd gone 1,000 miles.
380
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,475
They still had 1,000 miles more
381
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,006
before they even got
to the coast.
382
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:03,681
And they stop at the Hidatsa
and Mandan tribes.
383
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:05,587
One particular squaw...
384
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:07,524
her name was Sukod-go-weeya...
385
00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:10,119
she was 16 years old.
- Let's call her Sacagawea.
386
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:12,528
- Here's the deal,
Sukod-go-weeya,
387
00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:14,464
she joined Corps of Discovery
388
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,196
along with her French
fur trader husband,
389
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:18,601
who maybe won her
in a bet.
390
00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,264
She said,
391
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:22,739
I'm the only person
that speaks any language,
392
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,436
I'm pregnant as fuck,
393
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,740
I'm gonna have this baby,
I'm gonna help you.
394
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:30,078
Oh, no, I'm starting
to get the spins.
395
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,776
Do you have the spins?
- No, I'm good.
396
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,182
- I do.
- So we... the man...
397
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:37,848
so the Mandan tribe
was very kind to the...
398
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,484
Lewis and Clark tribe.
399
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:43,427
They got to the source
of the Missouri River,
400
00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:45,487
which was like a trickle.
401
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:47,965
[Sneezes hard and laughs]
Okay.
402
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,729
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
403
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:52,066
Where is the
Northwest Passage?
404
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,696
This is the source
of the Missouri River?
405
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,229
Are you kidding?
406
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:57,139
I've been following this
for 1,000 fucking miles!
407
00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:59,406
- Wait, wait, wait.
[Makes sad trombone sound]
408
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,003
Meriwether, are you okay?
409
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:02,877
- They realized at that point,
410
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,315
they saw mountains
upon mountains upon mountains.
411
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:06,510
They had to get horses.
412
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:10,147
- Ah, this is a fucking great
epic journey!
413
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:21,356
[Indistinct chatter]
414
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:24,868
- Really?
Two fingers?
415
00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:26,268
Oh, one.
Oh, okay, one.
416
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:27,567
Okay, good.
- Just onesies.
417
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,267
- Mm-hmm.
418
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,935
On his 31st birthday,
419
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:34,377
Lewis wrote in his journal
that,
420
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:38,179
I have not done enough
for the American people.
421
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,276
I have not
made myself proud.
422
00:18:40,319 --> 00:18:43,720
He felt like he hadn't
done anything of worth.
423
00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:45,382
- And that sucks.
424
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,892
He should be stoked
on his life, and he's not.
425
00:18:47,926 --> 00:18:49,723
He's fucking depressed
as shit.
426
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:53,925
Which I fucking get
as a human in Los Angeles.
427
00:18:55,734 --> 00:19:00,865
- They finally, finally...
after what, like, two years...
428
00:19:00,906 --> 00:19:04,865
they find the shore
of Oregon.
429
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,276
It was an ocean unlike
anything they expected.
430
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,645
And they are weeping
with tears.
431
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:14,049
Like, oh, oh,
exclamation party!
432
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,485
Joy!
- Oh, joy!
433
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:16,886
The sea!
- We found it.
434
00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:18,253
We found the sea.
435
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,281
- Who gives a shit?
436
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:22,623
- [Laughs]
You're so drunk!
437
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,891
- You're drunk,
you fucking whore.
438
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:29,299
- They came back afterward,
and when they got back,
439
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,801
it was like, yay!
440
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,030
- But you didn't do
this one thing.
441
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:33,264
Madison was like this:
442
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:35,603
Can... can you real quick
go fuck yourself?
443
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,905
- He essentially was like,
give me the journals.
444
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:39,843
No, you cannot have money.
445
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:43,405
And Lewis was like,
I can't deal with this!
446
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:47,441
- So Meriwether Lewis
is in a cabin in Tennessee,
447
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:49,147
and he just gives up.
448
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,088
And then,
two gunshot wounds later...
449
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,318
[gunshots] he's dead.
450
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,095
- I think Meriwether Lewis...
451
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:00,121
Lewis Meriwether...
killed himself.
452
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:03,100
- Personally, I think Meri...
Meriwether Lewis was killed.
453
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:04,864
Who shoots themselves twice
in the head?
454
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:06,632
- Manic depressives.
- Explain to me...
455
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:10,130
how someone shoots themself
twice in the fucking head.
456
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:11,608
- Well, you do this.
457
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,009
You sit in a fucking dumbass
cabin in Tennessee...
458
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,411
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
459
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:16,914
- And you think, I didn't do
shit with my life.
460
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,314
- Sure, sure, sure.
461
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:20,215
- Clark, my best friend, has
a wife and kids named after me.
462
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,015
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's crazy.
- I have nothing.
463
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,544
People think I'm gay.
- So, like, I'm good.
464
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:24,749
- You shoot yourself
in the head.
465
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,280
- I'm good. I'm done.
I'm good.
466
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:29,988
- I feel like Lewis is like
if Morrissey had a blog
467
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:32,462
and a canoe.
[Laughter]
468
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:35,466
[Dramatic music]
469
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:43,498
? ?
470
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,226
Don't know how my shirt
became totally unbuttoned.
471
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,998
I didn't...
I didn't unbutton a button.
472
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:13,664
- Oh, you're gonna say
we did it, right?
473
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:15,263
- None of them are buttoned.
- Legal.
474
00:21:15,307 --> 00:21:16,968
- Thanks, button fairy.
475
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:19,068
Ugh.
- Here's the thing.
476
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:26,772
Who gives a fuck?
Ripped By mstoll
477
00:21:26,822 --> 00:21:31,372
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