Original subtitles

Everybody's going to be so focused on Sara and James,

and nobody's going to notice you being the single older sister anyway.

I'm not bothered. I'm more bothered that people will think

that I'm bothered whereas, in reality, I'm not at all bothered.

Are you sure you're not bothered?

Look and don't worry about not being a bridesmaid either.

She's not having bridesmaids. It is a bit selfish,

your little brother getting married before you.

Well, it would be selfish if I wanted to get married,

but I don't, because I think weddings are overrated.

And nobody's asked you.

What if you met someone and he really wanted to marry you

and then he got down on bended knee

and he begged you to change your ways for love?

Well, I mean if it's that important to him

then I might consider a small ceremony.

What would you wear? Vintage lace, him in a kilt,

barn dance reception, fish and chip van,

honeymoon driving round the coast of Ireland.

Probably. I don't know, haven't thought about it.

# I'm so excited

Someday, someday, Leeds United.

God, I love weddings!

The festivities, the romance, it's celestial.

That's why you can make such great spiritual connections.

Connection being, your vagina, his penis.

Just admit it, weddings are the best place to get nailed - in every way.

No, it's about everybody's heart chakras being wide open,

It has nothing to do with nailing anybody.

Right, well, better get a wriggle on. Got to help Sara.

What with? I answered a post she put out on Facebook,

ended up helping her with a couple of things -

the dress, the cake, the venue, that kind of thing.

All right, then, see ya!

Whoa!

Super fit.

Very toned.

Phwoar. Look at those arms!

So tall.

She is wearing killer heels though.

Nightmare, all these women are gorgeous.

You could be in trouble here.

Thanks, Bunny. I'm just saying.

Oh, mortifi-cash. What?

Well, the bridesmaids are all in bloody lemon.

Oh, my God, so there ARE bridesmaids?

Lying cow.

Oh, God, how embarrassing.

Laura's in the same dress.

Laura!

All right.

What are you going to do?

About what?

The fact that you're in the same dress as the bridesmaids?

Oh, right, yeah, this.

Oh, it's just cos I'm carrying summat down the aisle.

Oh, no, mate, I think you got the wrong end of the stick.

You can't carry something down the aisle unless the bride asks you to.

Yeah, I know. She has asked me. It's no big deal.

There's a few of us doing it. Is this a joke?

What the hell?!

Laura, are you a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding and I'm not?

Keep your voice down. I will not!

People are looking at us.

She's left me out of this whole wedding on purpose.

She's doing it on purpose.

Actually, I quite like it.

Soz, mate, I didn't know.

Controversh.

I don't know who this is worse for, you or me?

Well, me, obviously, seeing as it's my little brother's wedding

and the bride has asked my best friend to be a bridesmaid and not me.

Not that I care about being a bridesmaid

but she said herself they're just Facebook friends!

Is something the matter here? I'm not going in.

Meg's just feeling a little bit excluded.

Yeah, it's not about you today, Meg, is it? Shh.

You do actually have very important duties today, Meg.

Meg is in charge of table decorations,

and you can't have a wedding without table decorations, can you?

Well, you can.

Erm...

They will look lovely

and I'm sure everyone will remember to say so.

They're actually so good, I'm going to have them at my own wedding.

Slightly putting the cart before the horse there, aren't we?

MUSIC: "Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours" by Stevie Wonder

CHEERING

Er, Laura, can I just ask how the thing you ended up

carrying down the aisle was the bride's train?

She just asked me, I couldn't say no.

Laura, photos!

Yeah.

GENERAL CHATTER

THEY CHEER

Hi.

You're James's sister, aren't you?

I'm Caz, I'm one of Sara's friends.

Meg.

So how do you know Luke? Oh, I don't know him.

He's pretty cute, don't you think?

Yeah, he's...he's nice looking.

Do you like him then?

Well, it's hard to say, I haven't spoken to him.

Have you spoken to him?

We've been at a few festivals together and stuff. Cool.

We always end up all over each other when we get drunk.

Just so you know.

Right.

So are you on the singles table?

I didn't know there was a singles table.

Yeah. It's mainly Sara's model friends. Them lot.

WOMEN CHUCKLE

I'm just going to go and say hi to Luke.

You see, this is what I love about weddings,

that you just make connections with people. Don't you agree, Matt?

I suppose, yeah.

You see, I really feel like I've actually learnt something

cos I had absolutely no idea what PPI was,

and it is just so interesting.

Um, Matt? So if I wanted to make a PPI claim, do I just call you or...?

You can do, yeah. Matt?

Do you have a number that...?

I've got a business card.

Um, Matt's my husband. We're married, OK?

So can you back the fuck off?

OK, this is a wedding, yeah,

so I suggest you just chill out a little bit?

You see, when I'm stressed, I visualise a lake.

OK, you'd better go now.

Card? No?

Are you being serious?

OK, don't get stressed because of the baby...

Because of the baby?! You're making me look stupid...

It's insania.

I'm getting fanny-blocked left, right and centro.

Any intel on the competish?

I've told you, Bunny, I'm not interested. I'm too busy.

I've got table decorations to nail, remember?

Yeah, you're right, the competition's just so fierce,

it makes you want to quit. Not what I said.

Oh, hello. Ding dong.

I could definitely make a connection with HIM.

Yeah, he's all right, I s'pose.

Oh, do you know him, then? No.

Do you like him, then?

It's hard to say, I haven't spoken to him.

Have you spoken to him?

No, he's too busy talking to that guy in the kilt.

Oh, I thought we were talking about the guy in the kilt.

Oh, no, not him.

HIM.

He's pretty cute.

He's pretty pubescent.

Look, if you fancy him, just say,

I don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

Er, no, Bunny, I don't fancy him, he's a child.

Ooh. Hello, what about him?

12 o'clock, looks like his heart chakra's wide open.

Hi. Hi. Are you on your own?

Yes, unfortunately.

Have we met? I just felt like we had a connection.

You do realise he's your cousin? Oh!

First or second?

First.

Tom? Tim?

Henry. Henry.

I've got to go now, I feel uncomfortable.

Spiritual connection, blood relation - same thing.

Come on, guys, let's take a picture.

THEY CHEER

"What's that, Sara? Decorate a candle?"

Could do, or I could actually add some wow value to the occasion

by dropping a floating candle into a goldfish bowl

complete with live fish which guests can take home as a gift.

Nailed it!

Do you guys know anything about these goldfish bowls?

Certainly do.

It's just that quite a lot of the goldfish are dead.

Oh, shit.

Stinks.

Help me.

Find some alive ones and put them on the top table.

I need this.

Sorry, God.

Not that you can possibly exist.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Meg, are you in here? Yeah!

Oh, you're not crying, are you? No!

I'm just...

doing a poo.

LOUD SPLASH

Bloody hell, are you all right?

TOILET FLUSHES

All better now.

Hurry up, you're going to miss the speeches.

And I think everyone will agree that Laura has done

a smashing job in helping Sara to pick out her stunning dress.

Yeah, well done, Laura.

APPLAUSE

The only time I've seen Sara look more gorgeous is in her bikini,

which admittedly is just an image I have made up in my mind.

LAUGHTER

Thanks very much.

And I'm going to, er, pass over to the groom now.

Here he comes.

Thanks there, mate, cheers.

Oh, he's looking over. Fit.

Amazing skin.

Mmm, like a baby's.

So well dressed!

Almost like his mum dressed him.

We definitely have a connection. I can feel it.

Bunny, he's sitting on the kids' table.

He's eating jelly!

I know what's happening here, this is a textbook fanny block.

Er, no, what's happening here is, you've run out of options

and you're panic buying.

I'd like to thank my wife, feels weird saying that!

Why do you always have to have a conquest anyway?

Why can't you have a good time without having a shag lined up?

Guys, shh.

Oh, sorry, I mean "spiritual connection."

"Oooh, I'm Meg, I can't stand anyone else having a good time."

Nice table decorations by the way. Shush!

You really do look stunning today, Mrs Keswick.

"Oh, oh, I'm Meg, and I'm such a failure, I messed up again."

Shh! ..and I just want to say

I'm really excited to spend the rest of my life with you.

"Oooh, I'm Bunny, I'll fuck anything,

"I WANT TO FUCK MY COUSIN."

SILENCE

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

I was talking about her.

Sorry, carry on.

Have you got a husband? No.

Have you got a boyfriend? No.

Have you got a dog? No.

What HAVE you got?

Um...

big feet?

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, I love your suit. Whoa. Cheers.

And your tie, it's an amazing colour.

People say I look like Geri Halliwell. Who?

Ginger Spice? I don't know what that is.

SHE CHUCKLES HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Can I, er, read your palm?

Er, it's a bit sweaty. I don't...

What star sign are you?

Think I'm Sagittarius.

Shut the front door. I knew we shared the same energy.

Oh, you crave new experiences? Yeah.

Me mum says if I get good results,

I can go to Newquay for me summer holidays

but I'm also kind of saving up for a new skateboard.

Oh, so mature. What do you do for a job, Callum?

Just a paper round.

Sorry, how old are you?

Erm, think I said 20.

Bunny, can I have a word?

Owns a skateboard. Does a paper round. Has zits.

What's your point?

My point is you're flirting with a foetus.

He told me he was 20!

What do you want me to do? ID him?

I don't think they put your date of birth on Wacky Warehouse memberships?

Meg, this is a textbook fanny blocking.

You're a sexual predator.

You're a jealous fanny.

So, how big's your skateboard?

Oh, there you are! Can you help?

The big one's blocked.

So what's the goss then?

Well, Meg's freaking out cos Bunny fancies that kid.

What? Callum? How old is he?

Dunno. He's minging n'all. And spotty.

Bet he's got a pencil dick. Ugh.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

This is Callum's mother. Open the door.

Oh, shit.

WATER RUNNING

Did you hear all that?

Enough to know that one of your friend's

is trying to hit on my 15-year-old son, yes.

You'd better go and tell your friend to back off before it's too late.

And by the way, my son is not "minging".

And he's quite adequately endowed, thank you.

THEY LAUGH

We better go and tell Bunny.

In a minute. Let's have a dance first.

Meg, stop it, that's enough.

I know it's really hard for you that your little brother's

got married before you but this is James's special day and I won't

have you ruining it, just so that you can be the centre of attention.

I'm not ruining it.

GASPING

Oh, my God.

Laura!

Look.

Oh, yeah, by the way, he's 15.

15?!

Eh, no!

Stop kissing! Stop kissing! Please stop kissing.

You have to stop kissing now.

Bunny!

Go get your own, Meg!

Sorry, what are you doing? You're interrupting a private moment here.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Oh, Mum!

You're a disgrace. He's 15.

What? He told me he was 20.

I should report you to the police, you mucky pervert.

Nothing happened.

No new skateboard for you. Right, we're going straight home.

But I want to stay up. And as for you, you...

slag!

OK, can I just suggest you try visualising a lake?

What you have got to say for yourself?

Bunny, just apologise.

I didn't know that he was 15

but now that I know that, it changes everything, but...

it goes without saying that...

I will wait for you, Callum.

Not an apology.

What we have, it runs deep, and it transcends age and prejudice...

But not the law.

No, unfortunately, so you're going to go

and you're going to get out of here, and you're going to grow older,

one year older, and you're going to come back and we're going to make love.

Excuse me! Lots of love but just not here, Callum,

not this night.

Oh, why can't I be 16?

Thanks for nothing, friends.

I was trying to stop you from...

From meeting The One?

The youngest One? Yes.

How's your spiritual connection now,

now that you've nearly broken the law with a sexual violation?

It's not a crime if you don't know it's a crime.

Not how the law works.

Have you sorted these fish out? Sara'll freak if she sees them.

Mmm, "Sara'll freak if she sees them."

Since when have you given one tiny shit about what Sara thinks? Hmm?

What about me?

It is her wedding day, Meg.

Yeah, and don't we fucking know it?

I don't like her and I don't want her in my family

and I have nothing but resentment towards her and her stupid f...

Hi!! Hi, girls!

Congratulations.

Oh, I haven't seen you all day, Meg.

God, I love your dress, you look beautiful.

Thank you, well, Laura helped me.

You're quite a classy girl, so, just anything goes really. Like me.

I'm the same, I can wear anything and still look classy.

Excuse me,

I heard you're responsible for the table centre-pieces?

SQUELCH

No.

If I find one more dead fish has been disposed of on site,

this wedding will be shut down,

you'll be reported to the police and you'll be fined, do you understand?

So what I'm saying is take your fish and fuck off.

THUD

BUNNY: Oh, God. Right, get in there.

Oh, God. Oh, bloody hell! That is impressive!

Is that... James's sister on the roof?

What is she doing?

Am I psychic or is someone up here a bit emotional?

It'll get better, won't it?

Well, I wouldn't have thought so, Meg.

Not if you keep carrying on like you are.

Carry on like what? I haven't done anything.

Precisely.

You know, when you were born,

we just didn't expect you to be so unhappy as a baby, you know.

You were just like this purple sobbing ball of fear.

And you cried and you cried

and you didn't know why because you were a baby

so you got scared and that made me scared and I realised that

my role in life was just to keep you from being unhappy, you know.

And nothing else really mattered.

But 26 years on,

I'm fucking exhausted.

You've got to sort your life out, Meg.

Is this supposed to be making me feel better?

You've got to stand on your own two feet.

I can give you advice.

I'm always here if you need advice.

Can I ask you something then?

Yeah, of course.

How would you get rid of a hat full of dead fish?

Here.

SHE GASPS

I'll leave you to it.

Meg, darling, are you OK?

Well, one of my friend's has committed the ultimate act

of disloyalty at my own little brother's wedding,

and the other one's a paedophile and I've just had to wear a hat

full of decomposing fish but apart from that, best day of my life.

So it is true? You are having a breakdown?

Does it look like I'm having a breakdown?

A bit.

You're all alone on top of a tall building. And?

People think that you're... Oh! "People think, people think."

I don't care what people think!

I think you need to see this.

I know you're single but there's still so much to live for!

CROWD MUMBLE

Maybe it's because James got married before her.

Yeah, and wasn't her best friend a bridesmaid and she wasn't?

She probably hates her nose.

And she's got an Adam's apple.

CROWD: Ahhh!

People think you're going to top yourself.

Well, I don't want people to think that.

I'm fine! I'M FINE!

Why didn't you correct them?

Well, we weren't 100%.

OK.

OK, now I know I said I don't care

what the people at this wedding think about me

but I've decided I really do care

what the people at this wedding think about me.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

Shall we dance?

MUSIC PLAYS

SONG: (I've Had) The Time Of My Life

LOUD THUD CROWD GROAN

MEG GROANS

I think I've made my point.

I genuinely enjoyed myself tonight. Albeit out of spite.

I'm sorry about the bridesmaid thing.

For what's it worth, I think she's got fuck-all taste in anything,

including bridesmaids.

You cool? Yeah.

I still think she's a sociopath for asking you

but I'm sorry for being a dick about it.

Well, people can get carried away at weddings, can't they?

Some more than others.

I know, what was I thinking?

So you're not going to wait a year to have sex with a schoolboy, then?

It was never going to happen -

two Sagittariuses is never going to be compatible.

I heard you were compatible with someone else?

I saw you fucking the chef.

Well, you can't have done because I didn't fuck the chef.

I fucked the pot washer!

You sex pest, what is wrong with you? Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?

I'm not a sex pest, I'm bubbly!

What happened to a "spiritual connection"?

Meg, shut your face! And you shut your face as well.

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