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1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:03,200
All right then. What makes
you think you've got an STD?
2
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:08,040
There's some curdling
down there. "Curdling"?
3
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,240
OK... And how many sexual
partners have you had?
4
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:15,280
Sorry, can we do these questions
when I'm wearing some pants?
5
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,000
Actually, I was just wondering...
6
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,200
While you're down there,
7
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,640
could you possibly do me
a sneaky smear test, please?
8
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,360
No. Smear tests are separate.
9
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,760
There's an appointment
available straight after this,
10
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,520
but you'll have to go out, book in
with reception and come back in.
11
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,880
Can't I just stay here?
12
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,560
No, it's procedure.
13
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,680
(Jobsworth.)
14
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,840
What was that? Nothing.
15
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,520
Keep your eyes on the road, please.
16
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,600
Ow! Right, all done.
17
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,600
Give your details to reception,
so they can text you the results.
18
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,840
Text the results? What?
19
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,880
"Dear patient, you have chlamydia.
Kiss kiss. Sad face."
20
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,640
What?
21
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,320
We're getting married!
It's great news, isn't it?
22
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,240
It is? Meg!
23
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,640
What? It is! I said,
it is great news.
24
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,480
We're just sorting out the
seating plan for the wedding
25
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,080
and we put you next to
Andrew Fieldhouse.
26
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960
Fieldmouse?! Why the hell are you
putting me next to Fieldmouse?
27
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,920
What's the problem with Andrew,
love? He's had therapy now.
28
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,800
He's only like, in his 40s, Meg.
29
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,680
Yeah, and I think he's
sorted out that odour.
30
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,280
What was it you said he smelt of?
31
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,600
Potatoes.
32
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,960
Oh, and he's got lovely, thick hair.
33
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,600
Look, I'm sorry, Meg, but we've
got to put you next to someone.
34
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,200
Yeah, no, no. I get it.
35
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,240
It's just... Would it be all right
if I brought someone I know?
36
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,200
My... My boyfriend? Would it be OK
if I brought my boyfriend
37
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,960
and then, I'll just sit next to him?
38
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,600
FRANK STIFLES LAUGH
39
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,320
Seriously?
40
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,920
Yes.
41
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,720
Who?
42
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,320
My boyfriend.
43
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,040
FRANK STIFLES LAUGH
44
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,720
FRANK LAUGHS
45
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,240
Great! Can we meet him on Sunday?
46
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,960
Why Sunday? The two families
are getting together for like,
47
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,440
an engagement brunch thing,
48
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,120
so he'll need to meet the family,
if he's coming to the wedding.
49
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,000
So, you'll bring him?
50
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:23,000
Yeah, yeah. It's no biggie,
I'll just ask him.
51
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,640
Quick, I need a boyfriend!
52
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,920
Not now, we're busy.
53
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,840
Admittedly, a lovely view -
54
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,080
but guys, I need a
boyfriend immediately.
55
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,160
And? What's new? Ask him.
56
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,200
Last time I asked Scott out,
he literally ran away from me.
57
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,240
Oh, God, he's seen us!
58
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,320
Style it out, style it out.
59
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,480
Just casually waving
to our neighbour,
60
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,520
nothing creepy about this.
61
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,720
So, James is getting married.
Your little brother James?
62
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,000
No. James cocking May!
Of course, my little brother James.
63
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,680
Oh, ouch. Oh, that, yeah.
64
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,600
Bunny? You knew about this?
You are the worst friend I have.
65
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,581
Look, I need your help.
66
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:06,280
I lied out of shame and now everyone
thinks I've got a boyfriend.
67
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,600
No, they don't.
68
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,640
They think that you think that they
think that you've got a boyfriend,
69
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,200
but everyone knows you lied out
of shame. Well, that's worse!
70
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,920
I should have stood up for myself.
71
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,880
There's more to life than
finding a boyfriend.
72
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,040
Keep saying this.
Same goes for reading.
73
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,720
But I do need a boyfriend by Sunday.
74
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,560
Good luck. Please help me!
75
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,640
It was so humiliating,
everyone was trying to fix me up.
76
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,160
What do you want us to do about it?
77
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,360
Fix me up. OK. Easy.
78
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,520
Oh, thank you, Laura!
You're such a good friend.
79
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,840
I finally feel like
I'm starting to get to the place
80
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,760
where I don't actually
need a boyfriend
81
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,840
and then, this happened and...
All right, don't cry on me.
82
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,200
Right, I'm off to meet Gary.
We'll talk later.
83
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:49,240
Meg, about before and you saying
I'm the worst friend you have?
84
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,800
It really hurt my feelings,
85
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,760
but I understand you're a mess
at the moment, so I forgive you.
86
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,560
No, I meant it.
But I do need to ask you something.
87
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,480
You want my advice as a friend?
Sure.
88
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,400
No, I'm actually asking for a friend.
89
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,800
OK, so you're asking for you?
90
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,240
No, but if my friend thought
she could have an STD,
91
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,760
should she ask the person
she thought gave it to her,
92
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,000
or should she wait for
the test results?
93
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,840
Oh, poor Meg.
Have you got a scabby chuff?
94
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,960
No, I've told you,
I'm asking for a friend.
95
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,080
But Laura and I
are your only friends.
96
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,080
And I certainly don't have an STD.
Which is a goddamn miracle.
97
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,840
Well, if it were me,
I'd confront him.
98
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,240
Matters of the ping-pong
are not to be taken lightly.
99
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:28,960
I'll text him. No, Meg.
100
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,200
Believe me, you have to
do it face-to-face.
101
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,240
It's too easy to lie over text,
I do it all the time.
102
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,800
Keswick? What you doing here?
Nice to see you, too.
103
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,280
Thought you said you were never
going to come round again.
104
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,240
Yeah, I know but....
105
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:48,280
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
106
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,600
So, I need to ask you something...
107
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,600
Sorry, can you turn that off?
It's horrible.
108
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,680
MUSIC FADES DOWN
109
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,760
Have you, um...
110
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,120
Have you...
111
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,440
..had a test recently?
112
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,640
I once had a paternity test -
113
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,520
and I passed. Wasn't mine.
114
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,560
No, I meant, have you had like,
a swab done?
115
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,600
HUMS TO HIMSELF
116
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,840
Sorry, can you stop drumming?
117
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,000
Oh, you mean, have I had my bellend
swabbed for an STD, or something?
118
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,400
Yes. Clean as a whistle, Keswick.
119
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,720
Do you know that for a fact?
Positive.
120
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,720
Positive, as in "negative"
as in "no STDs"?
121
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,560
Why are you so worried?
Has someone got a poorly puss-puss?
122
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,560
No. Do you want me to have a look?
123
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,600
Gross! Poor Keswick. How can
someone so pretty, possibly be ill?
124
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,960
Shut up...
125
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,840
All this talk of STDs
is giving me the horn.
126
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,080
What? How?
127
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,440
STDs?
128
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,280
Sexual TDs.
129
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,320
Do you want to fuck? No.
130
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,680
Yes.
131
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,480
MUSIC: Come On Over
by Royal Blood
132
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,160
What are you doing on Sunday? Why?
133
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,960
It's my brother's engagement brunch.
Free booze and food.
134
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,160
Thought it could be fun.
Nah, you're all right.
135
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,800
What?
I said, "No, you're all right".
136
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,360
Oh, God! What am I doing here?
137
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,560
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Why are we stopping?
138
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,080
I shouldn't be here.
139
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,120
OK, OK,
I'll come with you on Sunday.
140
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,440
Why are you always such
a difficult lay, Keswick?
141
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,800
Am not...
142
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,840
MUSIC: Good Weekend
by Art Brut
143
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,680
Do you give in? Mercy!
144
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,600
Yes! Yes!
145
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,600
I've got a dodgy shoulder
at the moment,
146
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,880
otherwise I could have got out
of that. I am ze terminator!
147
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,400
I will destroy anyzink zat moves!
148
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,240
LAUGHTER
You're hilarious, Maggot!
149
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,680
It's good to be home.
150
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,000
Not your home.
Why were you in prison, Maggot?
151
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,640
I'm a pyromaniac.
152
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,880
What, they locked you up
cos you don't like spiders?
153
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,800
No, It means I like
to play with fire.
154
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,840
It's no big deal.
Everyone got out alive.
155
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,280
Anyway, that's behind me now.
Let's down some beers.
156
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,960
Cheeky! Cheeky!
157
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,400
BOTH: Oi-oi!
158
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,680
Gary, I want him out.
159
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,920
He's dangerous and worse
than that, he's annoying.
160
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,068
What are you talking about?
161
00:07:14,148 --> 00:07:16,240
Oh, it's like you're in love
with him or something.
162
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,200
"Oh, you're hilarious, Maggot!" Just
give him a blowy, why don't you?
163
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,560
He's my oldest mate.
Yeah, well, what time's he leaving?
164
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,400
Cos I wanted to have
a sexy bath tonight.
165
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,920
Er, well, he's er... Gary?
166
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,360
He needs a place to
stay for a few days.
167
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,120
I said he could crash on the sofa.
He's got nowhere to go.
168
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,560
Not my fault he gets a woody
over starting fires!
169
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,640
Sorry, Laura.
There were only two left.
170
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,920
So, mate, you still up for tonight's
Top Gear-athon and a cheeky currizza?
171
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,160
That's when you order
a curry and a pizza
172
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,040
and put the curry
on the top of the...
173
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:48,080
I know what a currizza is, Gary.
Enjoy your gangbang.
174
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,480
BOTH: Oi-oi!
175
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,240
This is your fault.
You told me to go over there.
176
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,960
..To ask him if he had signs
of a cheesy penis,
177
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,120
not to bump uglies with him
in his kitchen,
178
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,000
then invite him to meet your family.
179
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,440
Oh, God! This would never have
happened if I'd just texted him.
180
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,400
Well, look on the bright side.
At least he probably won't turn up.
181
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,320
Oh, my God, you're right.
182
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,960
That's something.
That is not something.
183
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,800
Oh, fuck it,
I'll just go to the brunch alone.
184
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,320
What's the worst that can happen?
185
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,600
Everybody will spend the
entire brunch mocking you
186
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,040
for having an imaginary boyfriend?
187
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,080
You really are a shit friend.
188
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,920
I am so sick of Gary's mate.
189
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,560
He just turns up,
treats the place like it's his.
190
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,400
Uses all our stuff,
eats all our food...
191
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,240
He's a cheeky bastard -
and I want him out.
192
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,080
Anyway, what are you talking about?
193
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,160
Meg, and how she can't keep her
knickers on around Hot and Cold.
194
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,560
Oh, no, you didn't.
195
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,280
Thanks, Bunny. That was a secret.
196
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,640
Oh, she told me about
the STD as well.
197
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,920
Wow. So, I've got you a date tonight.
198
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,840
And if he likes you, he'll go
to your brunchy thing on Sunday.
199
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,520
Oh, my God, Laura! I love you!
200
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,560
So, who is he? What is he like?
201
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,360
He hasn't been out much lately -
like you, you never go out.
202
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,240
You'll like him. Is he clever?
203
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,880
Not as clever as you, Meg.
204
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,800
Oh, thanks. What about looks?
205
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,440
Yeah.
206
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,840
What does that mean?
He's got a good body.
207
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,760
Oh! See this, Bunny?
208
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,440
This, right here, is how good friends
behave.
209
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,080
Fine, have it your way, but I always
give the best dating advice,
210
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,600
so do not come crawling back to me
with your tail between your vag
211
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,240
after you've fucked it up
212
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,680
by asking him to "compare
the radius of your pizza."
213
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,240
That was one time.
214
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,040
Anyway, Laura talk to me.
What does he do?
215
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,000
It's hard to explain.
216
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,760
MAGGOT BELCHES
217
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,800
This is like, the most fun
I've had since my release.
218
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,520
Can I tell you something, Meg?
219
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,880
Yeah.
220
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,800
When Laura sent me your photo, I got
a lob-on just from looking at it.
221
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,360
Right...
222
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,560
I just mean, you're gorgeous.
223
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,840
You're so...clean.
224
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,880
Your skin looks like it smells nice.
Can I smell your skin? What?
225
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,160
Heh... Kidding!
226
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,120
I don't want to smell your skin...
227
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,160
unless you want me to.
228
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,200
Have you...finished with your bones?
229
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,880
MEG'S PHONE VIBRATES
230
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,680
Don't you think it's like,
proper mad
231
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,720
that we both like
hot peri peri, don't you?
232
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,760
PHONE VIBRATES
233
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,840
Did Laura tell you
I like hot things?
234
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,600
No. No, Laura didn't tell me
anything about you at all.
235
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,040
Yeah, me neither,
just that you had small tits.
236
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:48,080
PHONE VIBRATES
237
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,800
Laura says you're looking for
a plus one for an engagement?
238
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,240
Oh, no, no, no. She must have
got me confused with someone else.
239
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,560
I'd be honoured.
240
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,800
That's a kind offer, Maggot,
but we barely know each other.
241
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,160
PHONE VIBRATES
242
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,760
What you doing on your phone?
243
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,640
Do you want to get a selfie?
Yeah, let's get a selfie.
244
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,040
I love a selfie. Here. Smile!
245
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,440
PHONE CAMERA CLICKS
246
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,480
Dead good, that. Text it me.
I'll use it as me wallpaper.
247
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,440
Hope they don't charge me though,
cos I don't have any credit.
248
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,480
TEXT ALERT
Oh, texted me already?
249
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,840
"Hurry up, this guy's a freak."
250
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,320
What do you mean?
251
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,360
Who's a freak, Meg?
252
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,280
Who's a freak?
253
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,320
Er...
254
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,480
Him.
255
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,480
There's just something about him.
256
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,480
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
257
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,600
Let's get out of here.
258
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,880
Freak!
259
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,920
Come on.
260
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,480
Can I walk you home, Meg?
261
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,840
I like you so much, I want to
bang you and hug you after.
262
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,040
Yeah, you're confusing
sexual frustration
263
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,560
with real feelings there, I think.
264
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,080
CAR HORN BEEPS
265
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,520
Meg, get in.
266
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,920
Who the fuck's that?
267
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,840
Oh, it's just a taxi.
I ordered it when I was inside.
268
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,880
Night, Maggot. Night, Meg.
269
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,560
All right, then. See you.
270
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,560
I love you!
271
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,160
What are you doing?
272
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,680
Just drive. Please, just drive.
273
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,720
I'm not a fucking taxi, Keswick.
274
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,840
Really?
275
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,320
So, seeing other people, then?
276
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,760
Why? Jealous?
Don't be silly, Keswick.
277
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,520
He offered to take me to the brunch.
278
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,480
Well, that's me off the hook, then.
As if you were going to come.
279
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,000
I'm a man of my word.
280
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,680
Plus, can't resist the offer
of free food and booze.
281
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,160
So, you do want to come, then?
282
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,520
Well, I don't want another man's
sloppy seconds now, do I?
283
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,560
Are you saying you don't
want me to see other people?
284
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,920
Is that a yes?
285
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,960
If I come on Sunday, will you stop
asking me difficult questions?
286
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,240
If you come on Sunday, can I
tell everyone you're my boyfriend?
287
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,280
BRAKES SCREECH
288
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,500
You bloody...commitment-phobic
freak head!
289
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,520
I can't take it any more.
290
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,240
Hot and Cold is really
living up to his name.
291
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,280
Blew hot, was coming to the brunch.
Now, has blown cold, is not coming.
292
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,880
Sorry, who is blowing
and who is coming?
293
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,720
Nobody, probably.
294
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,280
How was your date?
Oh, don't tell me.
295
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,640
Laura set you up with some
completely unsuitable skank
296
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,080
and you had the date from hell?
From hell.
297
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,640
I would never do that to you.
298
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,280
You've done nothing.
You're both shit friends.
299
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,120
I might as well just confess now,
300
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,280
save myself a morning
of humiliation.
301
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,520
And the brunch is when? Tomorrow.
302
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,720
I can help you. I will help you.
303
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,240
I am not a shit friend.
304
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,240
I am your best friend
and that's what's important.
305
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,240
That, and proving you wrong.
306
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,280
I'm going to bed.
307
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,400
Think, Bunny.
308
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:49,040
Think...
309
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,520
BUNNY SNORES
310
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,560
MUSIC: Vitamin C
by Clean Cut Kid
311
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,200
FART
Oh, Gaz, you dirty bastard.
312
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,760
Weren't me.
Oh, right. Who was it, then?
313
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,080
Sorry about that.
314
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,720
What the fuck?
315
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,240
Sorry, but it were freezing
on the sofa last night.
316
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,680
I didn't think you'd mind.
317
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,960
Course not.
Of course we fucking mind!
318
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,280
Why aren't you back at Meg's,
getting your knob wet?
319
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,680
Gary! That's my friend
you're talking about.
320
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,040
But why aren't you back at Meg's,
getting your knob wet?
321
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,120
She wasn't interested.
322
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,840
I think I love her.
323
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,320
MAGGOT SOBS
324
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,040
Sorry, I just feel dead down, Gaz.
325
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,400
Hey, mate, don't worry.
I'll hang out with you all day.
326
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,800
I'll cheer you up.
Can we melt stuff?
327
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,360
Course we can. Don't tell
my parole officer, though.
328
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,680
Why, what happens if
we tell your parole officer?
329
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,800
I have to go back inside.
330
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,280
MAGGOT FARTS
331
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,600
Get him out now, otherwise
I'm grassing him up to the dibble.
332
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,480
And if you think I'm bluffing,
I've got the number memorised.
333
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,520
Everyone does.
334
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,880
BUNNY SNORTS
335
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,480
Oh, shit!
336
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,520
MUSIC: Great White Shark
by Zibra
337
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,120
Oh, shit.
338
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,160
PHONE RINGS
339
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,320
Hey, little bro.
340
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,880
Please tell me you've realised
you're making a huge mistake
341
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,160
and the brunch is cancelled.
342
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,440
Excuse me?
343
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,680
Sara? This is James' phone.
I know whose phone it is.
344
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,000
Now, what do you mean by "mistake"?
345
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,680
I just meant "mistake", as in,
combining breakfast and lunch.
346
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,920
One or the other, please.
Both? That's just insane!
347
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,280
So, are you not coming, then?
Of course I am.
348
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,200
Are you bringing a plus one?
Of course I am.
349
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,520
Well, I hope he exists.
350
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,840
Sorry?
351
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,880
I... I hope he likes eggs, Sis.
352
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,520
I'm not a shit friend,
353
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,920
I'm not a shit friend,
I'm not a shit friend...
354
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,600
Shit, shit, shit. Shit!
355
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,520
Scotty! Hi!
356
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,760
Hello, trouble. Good to see you.
357
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,120
Yeah, you too.
God, you're looking hot.
358
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,360
I'm so happy to see you. Me too.
359
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,560
Oh, God. This must be a sign.
Orange aura, interesting.
360
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,080
I've missed you.
361
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,080
You don't happen to know
anyone who's single?
362
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,640
I'm single. Why, who's asking?
363
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,160
I'm just asking for a friend.
364
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,000
Oh, "a friend"?
365
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,120
Hmm.
So, how do you feel about brunch?
366
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,680
I love brunch.
367
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,320
So, when does your "friend"
want to go for brunch with me?
368
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:35,200
Today. Why not?
Let me just go get showered.
369
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,240
Oh, my God. Great! So, it's a date.
370
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,280
Do you want to know
who the friend is?
371
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,760
HE CHUCKLES
I think I can read between the lines.
372
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,000
OK. Yeah. Yeah, you do that.
373
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,000
That's where all the writing is.
374
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,120
Just to check, it is you, isn't it?
375
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,120
BUNNY LAUGHS
376
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:58,160
I'll see you in a bit.
377
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,800
It's good news and bad news.
I've got you a date.
378
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,320
Not a shit friend. It's with Scott,
and the bad news is...
379
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,720
That's not the bad news?
380
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,120
No, the bad news is,
381
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,040
he doesn't actually know
he's your date.
382
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,720
We're going to have to be
very clever.
383
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,440
Oh, no.
384
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,000
Let me introduce you.
This is James and Sara.
385
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,560
And this is Sara's parents,
Mr and Mrs Bewsley.
386
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,480
And this is Aunty Jenny
and Uncle Frank.
387
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,000
This is Meg's Mum and Dad.
388
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,240
It is amazing to meet you.
389
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,600
Yeah, unbelievable, to be honest,
it really is.
390
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,360
What did we say, a tenner?
Mm-hmm. There you go.
391
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,280
I didn't realise there would be
so many people here.
392
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,840
Oh, did Meg not tell you?
393
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,880
Oh, is Meg coming too?
394
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,960
AWKWARD LAUGHTER
395
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,960
Hi, everyone! All right, love.
396
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,520
Hello, you. Hello, you.
397
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,400
Oh! You nearly got me
on the mouth there, Meg.
398
00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,760
All right, Mr Prude!
Nothing we haven't done before.
399
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,120
So, um, how did you
and Meg meet, Scott?
400
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,040
Me and Meg? Um...through Mark.
401
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,680
Mark, yeah.
402
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,040
Mark, as in Meg's ex?
403
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,240
Yeah.
404
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,720
Does he not mind?
405
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,080
Mind about what?
406
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,520
Keswick?
407
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,840
OK, not what I was expecting.
408
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,000
This your Mum and Dad? Hiya.
409
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,040
How do? Where shall I sit?
410
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,800
Just squeeze on here.
411
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,600
Sorry, mate... Who are you?
412
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,320
Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Meg's boyfriend.
413
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,440
This is all still free, yeah?
414
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,480
Cool.
415
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,600
Meg, what's going on?
416
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,640
Yes, well... Yes, there...
There, there is an explanation.
417
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,880
This explanation seems to be that
you've got two boyfriends, Meg.
418
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,760
No, that's.... That's not it.
That's not it.
419
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,800
What? Who would her
other boyfriend be?
420
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,200
Him?
421
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,360
No, I'm with Bunny.
422
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,600
Aren't I?
423
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,240
Exactly, so let's just
leave it at that.
424
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,320
Everything's fine and normal.
425
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,920
Meg, have you been pretending
that I'm your boyfriend?
426
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,640
No. So, who is your boyfriend
and who isn't your boyfriend?
427
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,680
Sorry, I'm late, Meg.
Had to borrow a bus to get here.
428
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,280
I nicked you these.
OK, definitely not him.
429
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,800
Well, he seems to know you.
430
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,680
Who the fuck are you, mate?
431
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,040
Who the fuck are you?
432
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,320
I'm Meg's boyfriend,
and I think you should leave.
433
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,800
You're not Meg's boyfriend,
you're that taxi driver!
434
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,120
I'm not a fucking taxi driver,
all right? OK...
435
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,600
- Please can somebody tell me
436
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,720
why half the guests
at my engagement brunch
437
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,120
are people that I don't know?
438
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,800
Yeah it's "plus one", Meg,
not "plus fucking three".
439
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,480
OK! Well, he's isn't
my plus fucking one.
440
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,680
But we spent the night
together last night.
441
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,160
Laura said if our date went well,
442
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,280
I could come here
and keep you company.
443
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,680
Well, I think you should leave,
Maggot.
444
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,520
"Maggot"?
445
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,560
Yes. Meg, I have a fire
in my heart for you
446
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,880
and I wanted to prove it
by doing this.
447
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,040
Just wait there. Hang on.
448
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,640
Oh! Oh, God!
449
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,200
Oh, fucking brilliant.
I'm calling the dibbles.
450
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,320
Oh, shit...
451
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,240
GUESTS ALL GASP
No, it's good, I promise.
452
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,360
Police, please.
453
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,880
Please don't...
What the hell are you doing?
454
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,560
And fire brigade.
No, no... Shit the bed!
455
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,360
Jesus Christ!
I set fire to me hands. Look!
456
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,440
Fucking hell! Fucking hell!
You dickhead! You're a madman!
457
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,480
Tell me you love me,
or I'm not putting them out.
458
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,840
Tell him you love him!
I'm not going to do that. I don't.
459
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,680
Tell him you love him!
Fucking hell, Maggot!
460
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,600
Tell him you love him!
No, I'm not fucking saying that!
461
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,280
Tell him! Jesus!
462
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,760
SCREAMS
463
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,320
GUESTS GROAN
464
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,400
SARA SCREAMS
465
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,480
Sorry...
466
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,000
MEG'S PHONE BEEPS
467
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,960
Oh, dear. That's not good. Meg?
468
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,480
What, Bunny?
Your "friend" has gonorrhoea.
469
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,840
What?!
470
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,120
Brilliant(!)
471
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,720
Well, you can just get out and
take your dirty penis with you.
472
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,800
What? You've given me gonorrhoea,
OK?
473
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,280
How do you know it's me?
474
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,320
Because of all the unprotected sex
I've had with...only you.
475
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,080
Fair enough.
476
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:25,120
And Scott...
477
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,480
I can't stay, Meg.
478
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,040
Not because you have the clap,
479
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,800
because I've broken my probation.
I'm an outlaw!
480
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,040
Run with me?
481
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,080
Absolutely not.
I love you forever, Meg!
482
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,520
Finally. I owe you one, Meg.
483
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,360
Anyway...
484
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,400
To James and Sara! The happy couple!
485
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,240
Cheers.
486
00:22:58,290 --> 00:23:02,840
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