Original subtitles

All right then. What makes you think you've got an STD?

There's some curdling down there. "Curdling"?

OK... And how many sexual partners have you had?

Sorry, can we do these questions when I'm wearing some pants?

Actually, I was just wondering...

While you're down there,

could you possibly do me a sneaky smear test, please?

No. Smear tests are separate.

There's an appointment available straight after this,

but you'll have to go out, book in with reception and come back in.

Can't I just stay here?

No, it's procedure.

(Jobsworth.)

What was that? Nothing.

Keep your eyes on the road, please.

Ow! Right, all done.

Give your details to reception, so they can text you the results.

Text the results? What?

"Dear patient, you have chlamydia. Kiss kiss. Sad face."

What?

We're getting married! It's great news, isn't it?

It is? Meg!

What? It is! I said, it is great news.

We're just sorting out the seating plan for the wedding

and we put you next to Andrew Fieldhouse.

Fieldmouse?! Why the hell are you putting me next to Fieldmouse?

What's the problem with Andrew, love? He's had therapy now.

He's only like, in his 40s, Meg.

Yeah, and I think he's sorted out that odour.

What was it you said he smelt of?

Potatoes.

Oh, and he's got lovely, thick hair.

Look, I'm sorry, Meg, but we've got to put you next to someone.

Yeah, no, no. I get it.

It's just... Would it be all right if I brought someone I know?

My... My boyfriend? Would it be OK if I brought my boyfriend

and then, I'll just sit next to him?

FRANK STIFLES LAUGH

Seriously?

Yes.

Who?

My boyfriend.

FRANK STIFLES LAUGH

FRANK LAUGHS

Great! Can we meet him on Sunday?

Why Sunday? The two families are getting together for like,

an engagement brunch thing,

so he'll need to meet the family, if he's coming to the wedding.

So, you'll bring him?

Yeah, yeah. It's no biggie, I'll just ask him.

Quick, I need a boyfriend!

Not now, we're busy.

Admittedly, a lovely view -

but guys, I need a boyfriend immediately.

And? What's new? Ask him.

Last time I asked Scott out, he literally ran away from me.

Oh, God, he's seen us!

Style it out, style it out.

Just casually waving to our neighbour,

nothing creepy about this.

So, James is getting married. Your little brother James?

No. James cocking May! Of course, my little brother James.

Oh, ouch. Oh, that, yeah.

Bunny? You knew about this? You are the worst friend I have.

Look, I need your help.

I lied out of shame and now everyone thinks I've got a boyfriend.

No, they don't.

They think that you think that they think that you've got a boyfriend,

but everyone knows you lied out of shame. Well, that's worse!

I should have stood up for myself.

There's more to life than finding a boyfriend.

Keep saying this. Same goes for reading.

But I do need a boyfriend by Sunday.

Good luck. Please help me!

It was so humiliating, everyone was trying to fix me up.

What do you want us to do about it?

Fix me up. OK. Easy.

Oh, thank you, Laura! You're such a good friend.

I finally feel like I'm starting to get to the place

where I don't actually need a boyfriend

and then, this happened and... All right, don't cry on me.

Right, I'm off to meet Gary. We'll talk later.

Meg, about before and you saying I'm the worst friend you have?

It really hurt my feelings,

but I understand you're a mess at the moment, so I forgive you.

No, I meant it. But I do need to ask you something.

You want my advice as a friend? Sure.

No, I'm actually asking for a friend.

OK, so you're asking for you?

No, but if my friend thought she could have an STD,

should she ask the person she thought gave it to her,

or should she wait for the test results?

Oh, poor Meg. Have you got a scabby chuff?

No, I've told you, I'm asking for a friend.

But Laura and I are your only friends.

And I certainly don't have an STD. Which is a goddamn miracle.

Well, if it were me, I'd confront him.

Matters of the ping-pong are not to be taken lightly.

I'll text him. No, Meg.

Believe me, you have to do it face-to-face.

It's too easy to lie over text, I do it all the time.

Keswick? What you doing here? Nice to see you, too.

Thought you said you were never going to come round again.

Yeah, I know but....

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

So, I need to ask you something...

Sorry, can you turn that off? It's horrible.

MUSIC FADES DOWN

Have you, um...

Have you...

..had a test recently?

I once had a paternity test -

and I passed. Wasn't mine.

No, I meant, have you had like, a swab done?

HUMS TO HIMSELF

Sorry, can you stop drumming?

Oh, you mean, have I had my bellend swabbed for an STD, or something?

Yes. Clean as a whistle, Keswick.

Do you know that for a fact? Positive.

Positive, as in "negative" as in "no STDs"?

Why are you so worried? Has someone got a poorly puss-puss?

No. Do you want me to have a look?

Gross! Poor Keswick. How can someone so pretty, possibly be ill?

Shut up...

All this talk of STDs is giving me the horn.

What? How?

STDs?

Sexual TDs.

Do you want to fuck? No.

Yes.

MUSIC: Come On Over by Royal Blood

What are you doing on Sunday? Why?

It's my brother's engagement brunch. Free booze and food.

Thought it could be fun. Nah, you're all right.

What? I said, "No, you're all right".

Oh, God! What am I doing here?

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Why are we stopping?

I shouldn't be here.

OK, OK, I'll come with you on Sunday.

Why are you always such a difficult lay, Keswick?

Am not...

MUSIC: Good Weekend by Art Brut

Do you give in? Mercy!

Yes! Yes!

I've got a dodgy shoulder at the moment,

otherwise I could have got out of that. I am ze terminator!

I will destroy anyzink zat moves!

LAUGHTER You're hilarious, Maggot!

It's good to be home.

Not your home. Why were you in prison, Maggot?

I'm a pyromaniac.

What, they locked you up cos you don't like spiders?

No, It means I like to play with fire.

It's no big deal. Everyone got out alive.

Anyway, that's behind me now. Let's down some beers.

Cheeky! Cheeky!

BOTH: Oi-oi!

Gary, I want him out.

He's dangerous and worse than that, he's annoying.

What are you talking about?

Oh, it's like you're in love with him or something.

"Oh, you're hilarious, Maggot!" Just give him a blowy, why don't you?

He's my oldest mate. Yeah, well, what time's he leaving?

Cos I wanted to have a sexy bath tonight.

Er, well, he's er... Gary?

He needs a place to stay for a few days.

I said he could crash on the sofa. He's got nowhere to go.

Not my fault he gets a woody over starting fires!

Sorry, Laura. There were only two left.

So, mate, you still up for tonight's Top Gear-athon and a cheeky currizza?

That's when you order a curry and a pizza

and put the curry on the top of the...

I know what a currizza is, Gary. Enjoy your gangbang.

BOTH: Oi-oi!

This is your fault. You told me to go over there.

..To ask him if he had signs of a cheesy penis,

not to bump uglies with him in his kitchen,

then invite him to meet your family.

Oh, God! This would never have happened if I'd just texted him.

Well, look on the bright side. At least he probably won't turn up.

Oh, my God, you're right.

That's something. That is not something.

Oh, fuck it, I'll just go to the brunch alone.

What's the worst that can happen?

Everybody will spend the entire brunch mocking you

for having an imaginary boyfriend?

You really are a shit friend.

I am so sick of Gary's mate.

He just turns up, treats the place like it's his.

Uses all our stuff, eats all our food...

He's a cheeky bastard - and I want him out.

Anyway, what are you talking about?

Meg, and how she can't keep her knickers on around Hot and Cold.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Thanks, Bunny. That was a secret.

Oh, she told me about the STD as well.

Wow. So, I've got you a date tonight.

And if he likes you, he'll go to your brunchy thing on Sunday.

Oh, my God, Laura! I love you!

So, who is he? What is he like?

He hasn't been out much lately - like you, you never go out.

You'll like him. Is he clever?

Not as clever as you, Meg.

Oh, thanks. What about looks?

Yeah.

What does that mean? He's got a good body.

Oh! See this, Bunny?

This, right here, is how good friends behave.

Fine, have it your way, but I always give the best dating advice,

so do not come crawling back to me with your tail between your vag

after you've fucked it up

by asking him to "compare the radius of your pizza."

That was one time.

Anyway, Laura talk to me. What does he do?

It's hard to explain.

MAGGOT BELCHES

This is like, the most fun I've had since my release.

Can I tell you something, Meg?

Yeah.

When Laura sent me your photo, I got a lob-on just from looking at it.

Right...

I just mean, you're gorgeous.

You're so...clean.

Your skin looks like it smells nice. Can I smell your skin? What?

Heh... Kidding!

I don't want to smell your skin...

unless you want me to.

Have you...finished with your bones?

MEG'S PHONE VIBRATES

Don't you think it's like, proper mad

that we both like hot peri peri, don't you?

PHONE VIBRATES

Did Laura tell you I like hot things?

No. No, Laura didn't tell me anything about you at all.

Yeah, me neither, just that you had small tits.

PHONE VIBRATES

Laura says you're looking for a plus one for an engagement?

Oh, no, no, no. She must have got me confused with someone else.

I'd be honoured.

That's a kind offer, Maggot, but we barely know each other.

PHONE VIBRATES

What you doing on your phone?

Do you want to get a selfie? Yeah, let's get a selfie.

I love a selfie. Here. Smile!

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Dead good, that. Text it me. I'll use it as me wallpaper.

Hope they don't charge me though, cos I don't have any credit.

TEXT ALERT Oh, texted me already?

"Hurry up, this guy's a freak."

What do you mean?

Who's a freak, Meg?

Who's a freak?

Er...

Him.

There's just something about him.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

Let's get out of here.

Freak!

Come on.

Can I walk you home, Meg?

I like you so much, I want to bang you and hug you after.

Yeah, you're confusing sexual frustration

with real feelings there, I think.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Meg, get in.

Who the fuck's that?

Oh, it's just a taxi. I ordered it when I was inside.

Night, Maggot. Night, Meg.

All right, then. See you.

I love you!

What are you doing?

Just drive. Please, just drive.

I'm not a fucking taxi, Keswick.

Really?

So, seeing other people, then?

Why? Jealous? Don't be silly, Keswick.

He offered to take me to the brunch.

Well, that's me off the hook, then. As if you were going to come.

I'm a man of my word.

Plus, can't resist the offer of free food and booze.

So, you do want to come, then?

Well, I don't want another man's sloppy seconds now, do I?

Are you saying you don't want me to see other people?

Is that a yes?

If I come on Sunday, will you stop asking me difficult questions?

If you come on Sunday, can I tell everyone you're my boyfriend?

BRAKES SCREECH

You bloody...commitment-phobic freak head!

I can't take it any more.

Hot and Cold is really living up to his name.

Blew hot, was coming to the brunch. Now, has blown cold, is not coming.

Sorry, who is blowing and who is coming?

Nobody, probably.

How was your date? Oh, don't tell me.

Laura set you up with some completely unsuitable skank

and you had the date from hell? From hell.

I would never do that to you.

You've done nothing. You're both shit friends.

I might as well just confess now,

save myself a morning of humiliation.

And the brunch is when? Tomorrow.

I can help you. I will help you.

I am not a shit friend.

I am your best friend and that's what's important.

That, and proving you wrong.

I'm going to bed.

Think, Bunny.

Think...

BUNNY SNORES

MUSIC: Vitamin C by Clean Cut Kid

FART Oh, Gaz, you dirty bastard.

Weren't me. Oh, right. Who was it, then?

Sorry about that.

What the fuck?

Sorry, but it were freezing on the sofa last night.

I didn't think you'd mind.

Course not. Of course we fucking mind!

Why aren't you back at Meg's, getting your knob wet?

Gary! That's my friend you're talking about.

But why aren't you back at Meg's, getting your knob wet?

She wasn't interested.

I think I love her.

MAGGOT SOBS

Sorry, I just feel dead down, Gaz.

Hey, mate, don't worry. I'll hang out with you all day.

I'll cheer you up. Can we melt stuff?

Course we can. Don't tell my parole officer, though.

Why, what happens if we tell your parole officer?

I have to go back inside.

MAGGOT FARTS

Get him out now, otherwise I'm grassing him up to the dibble.

And if you think I'm bluffing, I've got the number memorised.

Everyone does.

BUNNY SNORTS

Oh, shit!

MUSIC: Great White Shark by Zibra

Oh, shit.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, little bro.

Please tell me you've realised you're making a huge mistake

and the brunch is cancelled.

Excuse me?

Sara? This is James' phone. I know whose phone it is.

Now, what do you mean by "mistake"?

I just meant "mistake", as in, combining breakfast and lunch.

One or the other, please. Both? That's just insane!

So, are you not coming, then? Of course I am.

Are you bringing a plus one? Of course I am.

Well, I hope he exists.

Sorry?

I... I hope he likes eggs, Sis.

I'm not a shit friend,

I'm not a shit friend, I'm not a shit friend...

Shit, shit, shit. Shit!

Scotty! Hi!

Hello, trouble. Good to see you.

Yeah, you too. God, you're looking hot.

I'm so happy to see you. Me too.

Oh, God. This must be a sign. Orange aura, interesting.

I've missed you.

You don't happen to know anyone who's single?

I'm single. Why, who's asking?

I'm just asking for a friend.

Oh, "a friend"?

Hmm. So, how do you feel about brunch?

I love brunch.

So, when does your "friend" want to go for brunch with me?

Today. Why not? Let me just go get showered.

Oh, my God. Great! So, it's a date.

Do you want to know who the friend is?

HE CHUCKLES I think I can read between the lines.

OK. Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

That's where all the writing is.

Just to check, it is you, isn't it?

BUNNY LAUGHS

I'll see you in a bit.

It's good news and bad news. I've got you a date.

Not a shit friend. It's with Scott, and the bad news is...

That's not the bad news?

No, the bad news is,

he doesn't actually know he's your date.

We're going to have to be very clever.

Oh, no.

Let me introduce you. This is James and Sara.

And this is Sara's parents, Mr and Mrs Bewsley.

And this is Aunty Jenny and Uncle Frank.

This is Meg's Mum and Dad.

It is amazing to meet you.

Yeah, unbelievable, to be honest, it really is.

What did we say, a tenner? Mm-hmm. There you go.

I didn't realise there would be so many people here.

Oh, did Meg not tell you?

Oh, is Meg coming too?

AWKWARD LAUGHTER

Hi, everyone! All right, love.

Hello, you. Hello, you.

Oh! You nearly got me on the mouth there, Meg.

All right, Mr Prude! Nothing we haven't done before.

So, um, how did you and Meg meet, Scott?

Me and Meg? Um...through Mark.

Mark, yeah.

Mark, as in Meg's ex?

Yeah.

Does he not mind?

Mind about what?

Keswick?

OK, not what I was expecting.

This your Mum and Dad? Hiya.

How do? Where shall I sit?

Just squeeze on here.

Sorry, mate... Who are you?

Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Meg's boyfriend.

This is all still free, yeah?

Cool.

Meg, what's going on?

Yes, well... Yes, there... There, there is an explanation.

This explanation seems to be that you've got two boyfriends, Meg.

No, that's.... That's not it. That's not it.

What? Who would her other boyfriend be?

Him?

No, I'm with Bunny.

Aren't I?

Exactly, so let's just leave it at that.

Everything's fine and normal.

Meg, have you been pretending that I'm your boyfriend?

No. So, who is your boyfriend and who isn't your boyfriend?

Sorry, I'm late, Meg. Had to borrow a bus to get here.

I nicked you these. OK, definitely not him.

Well, he seems to know you.

Who the fuck are you, mate?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Meg's boyfriend, and I think you should leave.

You're not Meg's boyfriend, you're that taxi driver!

I'm not a fucking taxi driver, all right? OK...

- Please can somebody tell me

why half the guests at my engagement brunch

are people that I don't know?

Yeah it's "plus one", Meg, not "plus fucking three".

OK! Well, he's isn't my plus fucking one.

But we spent the night together last night.

Laura said if our date went well,

I could come here and keep you company.

Well, I think you should leave, Maggot.

"Maggot"?

Yes. Meg, I have a fire in my heart for you

and I wanted to prove it by doing this.

Just wait there. Hang on.

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, fucking brilliant. I'm calling the dibbles.

Oh, shit...

GUESTS ALL GASP No, it's good, I promise.

Police, please.

Please don't... What the hell are you doing?

And fire brigade. No, no... Shit the bed!

Jesus Christ! I set fire to me hands. Look!

Fucking hell! Fucking hell! You dickhead! You're a madman!

Tell me you love me, or I'm not putting them out.

Tell him you love him! I'm not going to do that. I don't.

Tell him you love him! Fucking hell, Maggot!

Tell him you love him! No, I'm not fucking saying that!

Tell him! Jesus!

SCREAMS

GUESTS GROAN

SARA SCREAMS

Sorry...

MEG'S PHONE BEEPS

Oh, dear. That's not good. Meg?

What, Bunny? Your "friend" has gonorrhoea.

What?!

Brilliant(!)

Well, you can just get out and take your dirty penis with you.

What? You've given me gonorrhoea, OK?

How do you know it's me?

Because of all the unprotected sex I've had with...only you.

Fair enough.

And Scott...

I can't stay, Meg.

Not because you have the clap,

because I've broken my probation. I'm an outlaw!

Run with me?

Absolutely not. I love you forever, Meg!

Finally. I owe you one, Meg.

Anyway...

To James and Sara! The happy couple!

Cheers.

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