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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:03,200 All right then. What makes you think you've got an STD? 2 00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:08,040 There's some curdling down there. "Curdling"? 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,240 OK... And how many sexual partners have you had? 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:15,280 Sorry, can we do these questions when I'm wearing some pants? 5 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,000 Actually, I was just wondering... 6 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,200 While you're down there, 7 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,640 could you possibly do me a sneaky smear test, please? 8 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,360 No. Smear tests are separate. 9 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,760 There's an appointment available straight after this, 10 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,520 but you'll have to go out, book in with reception and come back in. 11 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,880 Can't I just stay here? 12 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,560 No, it's procedure. 13 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,680 (Jobsworth.) 14 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,840 What was that? Nothing. 15 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,520 Keep your eyes on the road, please. 16 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,600 Ow! Right, all done. 17 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,600 Give your details to reception, so they can text you the results. 18 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,840 Text the results? What? 19 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,880 "Dear patient, you have chlamydia. Kiss kiss. Sad face." 20 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,640 What? 21 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,320 We're getting married! It's great news, isn't it? 22 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,240 It is? Meg! 23 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,640 What? It is! I said, it is great news. 24 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,480 We're just sorting out the seating plan for the wedding 25 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,080 and we put you next to Andrew Fieldhouse. 26 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960 Fieldmouse?! Why the hell are you putting me next to Fieldmouse? 27 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,920 What's the problem with Andrew, love? He's had therapy now. 28 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,800 He's only like, in his 40s, Meg. 29 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,680 Yeah, and I think he's sorted out that odour. 30 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,280 What was it you said he smelt of? 31 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,600 Potatoes. 32 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,960 Oh, and he's got lovely, thick hair. 33 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,600 Look, I'm sorry, Meg, but we've got to put you next to someone. 34 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,200 Yeah, no, no. I get it. 35 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,240 It's just... Would it be all right if I brought someone I know? 36 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,200 My... My boyfriend? Would it be OK if I brought my boyfriend 37 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,960 and then, I'll just sit next to him? 38 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,600 FRANK STIFLES LAUGH 39 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,320 Seriously? 40 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,920 Yes. 41 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,720 Who? 42 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,320 My boyfriend. 43 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,040 FRANK STIFLES LAUGH 44 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,720 FRANK LAUGHS 45 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,240 Great! Can we meet him on Sunday? 46 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,960 Why Sunday? The two families are getting together for like, 47 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,440 an engagement brunch thing, 48 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,120 so he'll need to meet the family, if he's coming to the wedding. 49 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,000 So, you'll bring him? 50 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:23,000 Yeah, yeah. It's no biggie, I'll just ask him. 51 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,640 Quick, I need a boyfriend! 52 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,920 Not now, we're busy. 53 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,840 Admittedly, a lovely view - 54 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,080 but guys, I need a boyfriend immediately. 55 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,160 And? What's new? Ask him. 56 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,200 Last time I asked Scott out, he literally ran away from me. 57 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,240 Oh, God, he's seen us! 58 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,320 Style it out, style it out. 59 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,480 Just casually waving to our neighbour, 60 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,520 nothing creepy about this. 61 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,720 So, James is getting married. Your little brother James? 62 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,000 No. James cocking May! Of course, my little brother James. 63 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,680 Oh, ouch. Oh, that, yeah. 64 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,600 Bunny? You knew about this? You are the worst friend I have. 65 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,581 Look, I need your help. 66 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:06,280 I lied out of shame and now everyone thinks I've got a boyfriend. 67 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,600 No, they don't. 68 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,640 They think that you think that they think that you've got a boyfriend, 69 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,200 but everyone knows you lied out of shame. Well, that's worse! 70 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,920 I should have stood up for myself. 71 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,880 There's more to life than finding a boyfriend. 72 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,040 Keep saying this. Same goes for reading. 73 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,720 But I do need a boyfriend by Sunday. 74 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,560 Good luck. Please help me! 75 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,640 It was so humiliating, everyone was trying to fix me up. 76 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,160 What do you want us to do about it? 77 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,360 Fix me up. OK. Easy. 78 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,520 Oh, thank you, Laura! You're such a good friend. 79 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,840 I finally feel like I'm starting to get to the place 80 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,760 where I don't actually need a boyfriend 81 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,840 and then, this happened and... All right, don't cry on me. 82 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,200 Right, I'm off to meet Gary. We'll talk later. 83 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:49,240 Meg, about before and you saying I'm the worst friend you have? 84 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,800 It really hurt my feelings, 85 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,760 but I understand you're a mess at the moment, so I forgive you. 86 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,560 No, I meant it. But I do need to ask you something. 87 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,480 You want my advice as a friend? Sure. 88 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,400 No, I'm actually asking for a friend. 89 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,800 OK, so you're asking for you? 90 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,240 No, but if my friend thought she could have an STD, 91 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,760 should she ask the person she thought gave it to her, 92 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,000 or should she wait for the test results? 93 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,840 Oh, poor Meg. Have you got a scabby chuff? 94 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,960 No, I've told you, I'm asking for a friend. 95 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,080 But Laura and I are your only friends. 96 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,080 And I certainly don't have an STD. Which is a goddamn miracle. 97 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,840 Well, if it were me, I'd confront him. 98 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,240 Matters of the ping-pong are not to be taken lightly. 99 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:28,960 I'll text him. No, Meg. 100 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,200 Believe me, you have to do it face-to-face. 101 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,240 It's too easy to lie over text, I do it all the time. 102 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,800 Keswick? What you doing here? Nice to see you, too. 103 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,280 Thought you said you were never going to come round again. 104 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,240 Yeah, I know but.... 105 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:48,280 LOUD MUSIC PLAYS 106 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,600 So, I need to ask you something... 107 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,600 Sorry, can you turn that off? It's horrible. 108 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,680 MUSIC FADES DOWN 109 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,760 Have you, um... 110 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,120 Have you... 111 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,440 ..had a test recently? 112 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,640 I once had a paternity test - 113 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,520 and I passed. Wasn't mine. 114 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,560 No, I meant, have you had like, a swab done? 115 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,600 HUMS TO HIMSELF 116 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,840 Sorry, can you stop drumming? 117 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,000 Oh, you mean, have I had my bellend swabbed for an STD, or something? 118 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,400 Yes. Clean as a whistle, Keswick. 119 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,720 Do you know that for a fact? Positive. 120 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,720 Positive, as in "negative" as in "no STDs"? 121 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,560 Why are you so worried? Has someone got a poorly puss-puss? 122 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,560 No. Do you want me to have a look? 123 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,600 Gross! Poor Keswick. How can someone so pretty, possibly be ill? 124 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,960 Shut up... 125 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,840 All this talk of STDs is giving me the horn. 126 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,080 What? How? 127 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,440 STDs? 128 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,280 Sexual TDs. 129 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,320 Do you want to fuck? No. 130 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,680 Yes. 131 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,480 MUSIC: Come On Over by Royal Blood 132 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,160 What are you doing on Sunday? Why? 133 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,960 It's my brother's engagement brunch. Free booze and food. 134 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,160 Thought it could be fun. Nah, you're all right. 135 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,800 What? I said, "No, you're all right". 136 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,360 Oh, God! What am I doing here? 137 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,560 Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Why are we stopping? 138 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,080 I shouldn't be here. 139 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,120 OK, OK, I'll come with you on Sunday. 140 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,440 Why are you always such a difficult lay, Keswick? 141 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,800 Am not... 142 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,840 MUSIC: Good Weekend by Art Brut 143 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,680 Do you give in? Mercy! 144 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,600 Yes! Yes! 145 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,600 I've got a dodgy shoulder at the moment, 146 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,880 otherwise I could have got out of that. I am ze terminator! 147 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,400 I will destroy anyzink zat moves! 148 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,240 LAUGHTER You're hilarious, Maggot! 149 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,680 It's good to be home. 150 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,000 Not your home. Why were you in prison, Maggot? 151 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,640 I'm a pyromaniac. 152 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,880 What, they locked you up cos you don't like spiders? 153 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,800 No, It means I like to play with fire. 154 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,840 It's no big deal. Everyone got out alive. 155 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,280 Anyway, that's behind me now. Let's down some beers. 156 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,960 Cheeky! Cheeky! 157 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,400 BOTH: Oi-oi! 158 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,680 Gary, I want him out. 159 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,920 He's dangerous and worse than that, he's annoying. 160 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,068 What are you talking about? 161 00:07:14,148 --> 00:07:16,240 Oh, it's like you're in love with him or something. 162 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,200 "Oh, you're hilarious, Maggot!" Just give him a blowy, why don't you? 163 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,560 He's my oldest mate. Yeah, well, what time's he leaving? 164 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,400 Cos I wanted to have a sexy bath tonight. 165 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,920 Er, well, he's er... Gary? 166 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,360 He needs a place to stay for a few days. 167 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,120 I said he could crash on the sofa. He's got nowhere to go. 168 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,560 Not my fault he gets a woody over starting fires! 169 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,640 Sorry, Laura. There were only two left. 170 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,920 So, mate, you still up for tonight's Top Gear-athon and a cheeky currizza? 171 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,160 That's when you order a curry and a pizza 172 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,040 and put the curry on the top of the... 173 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:48,080 I know what a currizza is, Gary. Enjoy your gangbang. 174 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,480 BOTH: Oi-oi! 175 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,240 This is your fault. You told me to go over there. 176 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,960 ..To ask him if he had signs of a cheesy penis, 177 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,120 not to bump uglies with him in his kitchen, 178 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,000 then invite him to meet your family. 179 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,440 Oh, God! This would never have happened if I'd just texted him. 180 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,400 Well, look on the bright side. At least he probably won't turn up. 181 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,320 Oh, my God, you're right. 182 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,960 That's something. That is not something. 183 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,800 Oh, fuck it, I'll just go to the brunch alone. 184 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,320 What's the worst that can happen? 185 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,600 Everybody will spend the entire brunch mocking you 186 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,040 for having an imaginary boyfriend? 187 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,080 You really are a shit friend. 188 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,920 I am so sick of Gary's mate. 189 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,560 He just turns up, treats the place like it's his. 190 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,400 Uses all our stuff, eats all our food... 191 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,240 He's a cheeky bastard - and I want him out. 192 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,080 Anyway, what are you talking about? 193 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,160 Meg, and how she can't keep her knickers on around Hot and Cold. 194 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,560 Oh, no, you didn't. 195 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,280 Thanks, Bunny. That was a secret. 196 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,640 Oh, she told me about the STD as well. 197 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,920 Wow. So, I've got you a date tonight. 198 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,840 And if he likes you, he'll go to your brunchy thing on Sunday. 199 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,520 Oh, my God, Laura! I love you! 200 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,560 So, who is he? What is he like? 201 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,360 He hasn't been out much lately - like you, you never go out. 202 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,240 You'll like him. Is he clever? 203 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,880 Not as clever as you, Meg. 204 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,800 Oh, thanks. What about looks? 205 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,440 Yeah. 206 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,840 What does that mean? He's got a good body. 207 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,760 Oh! See this, Bunny? 208 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,440 This, right here, is how good friends behave. 209 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,080 Fine, have it your way, but I always give the best dating advice, 210 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,600 so do not come crawling back to me with your tail between your vag 211 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,240 after you've fucked it up 212 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,680 by asking him to "compare the radius of your pizza." 213 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,240 That was one time. 214 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,040 Anyway, Laura talk to me. What does he do? 215 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,000 It's hard to explain. 216 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,760 MAGGOT BELCHES 217 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,800 This is like, the most fun I've had since my release. 218 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,520 Can I tell you something, Meg? 219 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,880 Yeah. 220 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,800 When Laura sent me your photo, I got a lob-on just from looking at it. 221 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,360 Right... 222 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,560 I just mean, you're gorgeous. 223 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,840 You're so...clean. 224 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,880 Your skin looks like it smells nice. Can I smell your skin? What? 225 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,160 Heh... Kidding! 226 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,120 I don't want to smell your skin... 227 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,160 unless you want me to. 228 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,200 Have you...finished with your bones? 229 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,880 MEG'S PHONE VIBRATES 230 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,680 Don't you think it's like, proper mad 231 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,720 that we both like hot peri peri, don't you? 232 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,760 PHONE VIBRATES 233 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,840 Did Laura tell you I like hot things? 234 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,600 No. No, Laura didn't tell me anything about you at all. 235 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,040 Yeah, me neither, just that you had small tits. 236 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:48,080 PHONE VIBRATES 237 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,800 Laura says you're looking for a plus one for an engagement? 238 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,240 Oh, no, no, no. She must have got me confused with someone else. 239 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,560 I'd be honoured. 240 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,800 That's a kind offer, Maggot, but we barely know each other. 241 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,160 PHONE VIBRATES 242 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,760 What you doing on your phone? 243 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,640 Do you want to get a selfie? Yeah, let's get a selfie. 244 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,040 I love a selfie. Here. Smile! 245 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,440 PHONE CAMERA CLICKS 246 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,480 Dead good, that. Text it me. I'll use it as me wallpaper. 247 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,440 Hope they don't charge me though, cos I don't have any credit. 248 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,480 TEXT ALERT Oh, texted me already? 249 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,840 "Hurry up, this guy's a freak." 250 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,320 What do you mean? 251 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,360 Who's a freak, Meg? 252 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,280 Who's a freak? 253 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,320 Er... 254 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,480 Him. 255 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,480 There's just something about him. 256 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,480 Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. 257 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,600 Let's get out of here. 258 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,880 Freak! 259 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,920 Come on. 260 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,480 Can I walk you home, Meg? 261 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,840 I like you so much, I want to bang you and hug you after. 262 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,040 Yeah, you're confusing sexual frustration 263 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,560 with real feelings there, I think. 264 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,080 CAR HORN BEEPS 265 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,520 Meg, get in. 266 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,920 Who the fuck's that? 267 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,840 Oh, it's just a taxi. I ordered it when I was inside. 268 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,880 Night, Maggot. Night, Meg. 269 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,560 All right, then. See you. 270 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,560 I love you! 271 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,160 What are you doing? 272 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,680 Just drive. Please, just drive. 273 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,720 I'm not a fucking taxi, Keswick. 274 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,840 Really? 275 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,320 So, seeing other people, then? 276 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,760 Why? Jealous? Don't be silly, Keswick. 277 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,520 He offered to take me to the brunch. 278 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,480 Well, that's me off the hook, then. As if you were going to come. 279 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,000 I'm a man of my word. 280 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,680 Plus, can't resist the offer of free food and booze. 281 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,160 So, you do want to come, then? 282 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,520 Well, I don't want another man's sloppy seconds now, do I? 283 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,560 Are you saying you don't want me to see other people? 284 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,920 Is that a yes? 285 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,960 If I come on Sunday, will you stop asking me difficult questions? 286 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,240 If you come on Sunday, can I tell everyone you're my boyfriend? 287 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,280 BRAKES SCREECH 288 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,500 You bloody...commitment-phobic freak head! 289 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,520 I can't take it any more. 290 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,240 Hot and Cold is really living up to his name. 291 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,280 Blew hot, was coming to the brunch. Now, has blown cold, is not coming. 292 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,880 Sorry, who is blowing and who is coming? 293 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,720 Nobody, probably. 294 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,280 How was your date? Oh, don't tell me. 295 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,640 Laura set you up with some completely unsuitable skank 296 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,080 and you had the date from hell? From hell. 297 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,640 I would never do that to you. 298 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,280 You've done nothing. You're both shit friends. 299 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,120 I might as well just confess now, 300 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,280 save myself a morning of humiliation. 301 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,520 And the brunch is when? Tomorrow. 302 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,720 I can help you. I will help you. 303 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,240 I am not a shit friend. 304 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,240 I am your best friend and that's what's important. 305 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,240 That, and proving you wrong. 306 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,280 I'm going to bed. 307 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,400 Think, Bunny. 308 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:49,040 Think... 309 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,520 BUNNY SNORES 310 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,560 MUSIC: Vitamin C by Clean Cut Kid 311 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,200 FART Oh, Gaz, you dirty bastard. 312 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,760 Weren't me. Oh, right. Who was it, then? 313 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,080 Sorry about that. 314 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,720 What the fuck? 315 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,240 Sorry, but it were freezing on the sofa last night. 316 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,680 I didn't think you'd mind. 317 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,960 Course not. Of course we fucking mind! 318 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,280 Why aren't you back at Meg's, getting your knob wet? 319 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,680 Gary! That's my friend you're talking about. 320 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,040 But why aren't you back at Meg's, getting your knob wet? 321 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,120 She wasn't interested. 322 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,840 I think I love her. 323 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,320 MAGGOT SOBS 324 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,040 Sorry, I just feel dead down, Gaz. 325 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,400 Hey, mate, don't worry. I'll hang out with you all day. 326 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,800 I'll cheer you up. Can we melt stuff? 327 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,360 Course we can. Don't tell my parole officer, though. 328 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,680 Why, what happens if we tell your parole officer? 329 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,800 I have to go back inside. 330 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,280 MAGGOT FARTS 331 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,600 Get him out now, otherwise I'm grassing him up to the dibble. 332 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,480 And if you think I'm bluffing, I've got the number memorised. 333 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,520 Everyone does. 334 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,880 BUNNY SNORTS 335 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,480 Oh, shit! 336 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,520 MUSIC: Great White Shark by Zibra 337 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,120 Oh, shit. 338 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,160 PHONE RINGS 339 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,320 Hey, little bro. 340 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,880 Please tell me you've realised you're making a huge mistake 341 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,160 and the brunch is cancelled. 342 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,440 Excuse me? 343 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,680 Sara? This is James' phone. I know whose phone it is. 344 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,000 Now, what do you mean by "mistake"? 345 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,680 I just meant "mistake", as in, combining breakfast and lunch. 346 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,920 One or the other, please. Both? That's just insane! 347 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,280 So, are you not coming, then? Of course I am. 348 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,200 Are you bringing a plus one? Of course I am. 349 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,520 Well, I hope he exists. 350 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,840 Sorry? 351 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,880 I... I hope he likes eggs, Sis. 352 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,520 I'm not a shit friend, 353 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,920 I'm not a shit friend, I'm not a shit friend... 354 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,600 Shit, shit, shit. Shit! 355 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,520 Scotty! Hi! 356 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,760 Hello, trouble. Good to see you. 357 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,120 Yeah, you too. God, you're looking hot. 358 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,360 I'm so happy to see you. Me too. 359 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,560 Oh, God. This must be a sign. Orange aura, interesting. 360 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,080 I've missed you. 361 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,080 You don't happen to know anyone who's single? 362 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,640 I'm single. Why, who's asking? 363 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,160 I'm just asking for a friend. 364 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,000 Oh, "a friend"? 365 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,120 Hmm. So, how do you feel about brunch? 366 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,680 I love brunch. 367 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,320 So, when does your "friend" want to go for brunch with me? 368 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:35,200 Today. Why not? Let me just go get showered. 369 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,240 Oh, my God. Great! So, it's a date. 370 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,280 Do you want to know who the friend is? 371 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,760 HE CHUCKLES I think I can read between the lines. 372 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,000 OK. Yeah. Yeah, you do that. 373 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,000 That's where all the writing is. 374 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,120 Just to check, it is you, isn't it? 375 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,120 BUNNY LAUGHS 376 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:58,160 I'll see you in a bit. 377 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,800 It's good news and bad news. I've got you a date. 378 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,320 Not a shit friend. It's with Scott, and the bad news is... 379 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,720 That's not the bad news? 380 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,120 No, the bad news is, 381 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,040 he doesn't actually know he's your date. 382 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,720 We're going to have to be very clever. 383 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,440 Oh, no. 384 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,000 Let me introduce you. This is James and Sara. 385 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,560 And this is Sara's parents, Mr and Mrs Bewsley. 386 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,480 And this is Aunty Jenny and Uncle Frank. 387 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,000 This is Meg's Mum and Dad. 388 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,240 It is amazing to meet you. 389 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,600 Yeah, unbelievable, to be honest, it really is. 390 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,360 What did we say, a tenner? Mm-hmm. There you go. 391 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,280 I didn't realise there would be so many people here. 392 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,840 Oh, did Meg not tell you? 393 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,880 Oh, is Meg coming too? 394 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,960 AWKWARD LAUGHTER 395 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,960 Hi, everyone! All right, love. 396 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,520 Hello, you. Hello, you. 397 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,400 Oh! You nearly got me on the mouth there, Meg. 398 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,760 All right, Mr Prude! Nothing we haven't done before. 399 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,120 So, um, how did you and Meg meet, Scott? 400 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,040 Me and Meg? Um...through Mark. 401 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,680 Mark, yeah. 402 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,040 Mark, as in Meg's ex? 403 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,240 Yeah. 404 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,720 Does he not mind? 405 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,080 Mind about what? 406 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,520 Keswick? 407 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,840 OK, not what I was expecting. 408 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,000 This your Mum and Dad? Hiya. 409 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,040 How do? Where shall I sit? 410 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,800 Just squeeze on here. 411 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,600 Sorry, mate... Who are you? 412 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,320 Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Meg's boyfriend. 413 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,440 This is all still free, yeah? 414 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,480 Cool. 415 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,600 Meg, what's going on? 416 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,640 Yes, well... Yes, there... There, there is an explanation. 417 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,880 This explanation seems to be that you've got two boyfriends, Meg. 418 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,760 No, that's.... That's not it. That's not it. 419 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,800 What? Who would her other boyfriend be? 420 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,200 Him? 421 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,360 No, I'm with Bunny. 422 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,600 Aren't I? 423 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,240 Exactly, so let's just leave it at that. 424 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,320 Everything's fine and normal. 425 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,920 Meg, have you been pretending that I'm your boyfriend? 426 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,640 No. So, who is your boyfriend and who isn't your boyfriend? 427 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,680 Sorry, I'm late, Meg. Had to borrow a bus to get here. 428 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,280 I nicked you these. OK, definitely not him. 429 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,800 Well, he seems to know you. 430 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,680 Who the fuck are you, mate? 431 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,040 Who the fuck are you? 432 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,320 I'm Meg's boyfriend, and I think you should leave. 433 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,800 You're not Meg's boyfriend, you're that taxi driver! 434 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,120 I'm not a fucking taxi driver, all right? OK... 435 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,600 - Please can somebody tell me 436 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,720 why half the guests at my engagement brunch 437 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,120 are people that I don't know? 438 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,800 Yeah it's "plus one", Meg, not "plus fucking three". 439 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,480 OK! Well, he's isn't my plus fucking one. 440 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,680 But we spent the night together last night. 441 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,160 Laura said if our date went well, 442 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,280 I could come here and keep you company. 443 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,680 Well, I think you should leave, Maggot. 444 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,520 "Maggot"? 445 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,560 Yes. Meg, I have a fire in my heart for you 446 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,880 and I wanted to prove it by doing this. 447 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,040 Just wait there. Hang on. 448 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,640 Oh! Oh, God! 449 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,200 Oh, fucking brilliant. I'm calling the dibbles. 450 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,320 Oh, shit... 451 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,240 GUESTS ALL GASP No, it's good, I promise. 452 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,360 Police, please. 453 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,880 Please don't... What the hell are you doing? 454 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,560 And fire brigade. No, no... Shit the bed! 455 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,360 Jesus Christ! I set fire to me hands. Look! 456 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,440 Fucking hell! Fucking hell! You dickhead! You're a madman! 457 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,480 Tell me you love me, or I'm not putting them out. 458 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,840 Tell him you love him! I'm not going to do that. I don't. 459 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,680 Tell him you love him! Fucking hell, Maggot! 460 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,600 Tell him you love him! No, I'm not fucking saying that! 461 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,280 Tell him! Jesus! 462 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,760 SCREAMS 463 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,320 GUESTS GROAN 464 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,400 SARA SCREAMS 465 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,480 Sorry... 466 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,000 MEG'S PHONE BEEPS 467 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,960 Oh, dear. That's not good. Meg? 468 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,480 What, Bunny? Your "friend" has gonorrhoea. 469 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,840 What?! 470 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,120 Brilliant(!) 471 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,720 Well, you can just get out and take your dirty penis with you. 472 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,800 What? You've given me gonorrhoea, OK? 473 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,280 How do you know it's me? 474 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,320 Because of all the unprotected sex I've had with...only you. 475 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,080 Fair enough. 476 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:25,120 And Scott... 477 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,480 I can't stay, Meg. 478 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,040 Not because you have the clap, 479 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,800 because I've broken my probation. I'm an outlaw! 480 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,040 Run with me? 481 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,080 Absolutely not. I love you forever, Meg! 482 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,520 Finally. I owe you one, Meg. 483 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,360 Anyway... 484 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,400 To James and Sara! The happy couple! 485 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,240 Cheers. 486 00:22:58,290 --> 00:23:02,840 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36397

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