Original subtitles

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

MUSIC: Leeds United by Amanda Palmer

# I'm so excited

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Some day, some day, Leeds United.

I'm outside.

Did you not get my text?

No.

Keswick. Time do you call this?

I had to get like two buses.

You really DID want to see me.

So I was thinking maybe it could be sexy

if, er, you came to stay at mine one time.

I love these.

It's my friend Laura's birthday on Saturday.

I'm doing this brunch thing. I thought maybe you could come.

Could do. Just cos, you know, you've not really met my friends

and we've been seeing each other for, like, how long now?

How long what?

Have we been together?

Yeah, we're not together.

Yeah, but you know what I mean.

Keswick. Don't go all psycho on me. Take this off.

I'm not. I've told you, I'm very low-maintenance.

I just thought you might want to stay at mine one time.

Can you cook? Sort of.

Fine. Make me dinner tomorrow night.

It's a date. It's not a date.

Well, whatever it is.

Shh. You'll wake Pete up.

Shut up!

You've woken Pete up.

It wasn't m... Shh. Stop talking.

# I wanna Sunday kind of love

A love to last past Saturday night...

Oh. Hi, Pete.

He's gone to work.

Right. Well, erm, tell him I'll see him later.

Who will? I don't keep track of everyone's names.

Meg. Do, do you not know?

OK. Well, I'm going to head.

Bye.

Cheers, mate. I owe you one.

SHE FARTS

Ah! I thought you'd gone! I thought YOU'D gone?

No, don't come near me! Stay away!

Urgh! What is that? It smells like a dead animal.

Oh, rank!

Oh! Is that you, Keswick?

I think you might be unwell.

I'm going. Well, thanks for the farting gift.

Pete said you'd gone. Did he? Why did he say that? Shall we ask him?

Pete? No! Pete! Come in here!

Fuck!

Megan Keswick, you filthy wench.

I know! I went to wake you up last night to tell you about my incredible new job

but you weren't here.

I can't help it if I'm irresistible. He keeps sexting me!

How is the incredible new job?

Incredible. Oh, it's good you've got

your foot through the door at the theatre, Bun.

Foot? It's more like whole body.

This is my ticket to the top.

So have you met Sir Percy yet?

Who?

WHO? Who is Sir Percy Macdonald?

He's a volcano of an actor is what he is, Laura,

and it's my mission to befriend him.

Right, so when are we meeting this new bloke of yours, Meg?

Well, he's coming over tonight for dinner and shagging. Dinner?

Oh, Jesus - it's serious. Meg's got a boyfriend!

Shut up! He's not my boyfriend.

We're just keeping it casual for now.

Well, HE is. Does he "not want to label it"?

Well, he's not into needy girls, so no.

Is he even fit?

Yeah, he's really fit and he also like treats me mean.

Like one minute he'll be all,

"Come over, sexy, let's watch Netflix and chill"

and then the next minute, he'll be like not returning my calls.

Ooh, he's blowing hot and cold.

That's very Don Draper - I love it.

Hot and cold? Hot being Netflix? Oh, the bar's so low, Meg. Get rid.

I really like the sound of Hot and Cold and I can't wait to meet him.

I even promise not to flirt with him. Thanks!

Right, so don't forget me birthday brunch here tomorrow.

Gary'll be back from Glasgow. And is this Hot and Cold coming?

Yep, but, er, he'll probably already have eaten his breakfast,

if you know what I mean.

Urgh.

Make sure you're familiar with where the auditorium is, for when people ask.

I just love the costumes, Diane, so drab. When do I get mine?

You get your uniform at the end of this shift.

OK. And sorry, what's my line again? "Show programmes, ?10."

Mmmmm-aahhhhh!

What are you doing?

I'm just warming up my vocal cords. # Mmmmm-aahhhhh! #

Can you not do that?

Oh, sorry, would you prefer if I used the Green Room?

The Green Room's just for the actors.

Oh! You don't know, do you? I'm actually an actress, Diane.

Oh, yeah, because all the top actors sell choc ices

and programmes on the side.

I'm just here to make contacts for my acting.

It's who you know, Diane -

and I intend to know Sir Percy Macdonald.

Not biblically, cos he's gay but I can't wait to meet him.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Show programmes! ?10!

Now go and get the ?10.

Sorry, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, madam.

Sorry.

'I've got good news.' Are you having that disgusting skin tag removed?

What skin tag? I've had a pay rise.

Oh, right. You can buy me a nice present then, can't you?

What time are you coming tomorrow?

'Laura, we've been through this.

I'm in Glasgow. I can't get back for your birthday.'

Oh, well, if it's too much hassle, then, yeah, don't worry about it.

I thought you liked me being away.

You were only saying yesterday how you were enjoying your own space.

I meant because I don't have to deal with you

taking a shit while I'm in the shower.

'I've still got me laptop. We can do stuff. It'll be sexy.'

No, it won't be sexy,

because you'll be miles away from your girlfriend on her birthday.

You should be here buying me them flowers I like

and buying me little presents

and hiding them round the flat so I have to find them,

treating me like a princess,

like you always do, cos you love me so much...you knob!

I think I nailed that, actually.

Sold nearly all my programmes, a tonne of choc ices.

I think I'm ready to be promoted.

You've only done one shift.

Yes, but, Diane, I'm not your average employee.

No.

Oh, my gosh! The actors are coming! It's Sir Percy!

Right, what shall I say?

Afternoon, Diane.

Afternoon, Sir Percy. Didn't recognise you without the wig!

Hah! I feel naked without it. Do you know, I'm thinking of...

BOTH: Wearing it out at the weekend?

Oh, Diane, you are a hoot!

Twat!

Oh, Diane, you're an inspiration.

Right, this is going to be easier than I thought.

If he talks to you, then he'll definitely talk to me.

You know what the worst thing about Gary being away is?

You're worried he'll stray?

No, the thought of him jizzing into his webcam every night.

Calls it cyberspaffing.

Just hold out for some real sex.

Absence makes the vaj grow wider, as they say. Do they?

I won't miss him, not as a person.

I just think it's selfish that he chose work.

Well, we can still do the birthday brunch without him.

Is Hot and Cold still invited?

Yeah, he's still invited but he won't come.

Right, I'd better get back to the Playhouse. Oh, Meg, how romantic!

Lucky Hot and Cold!

Meg, this is freaking me out and I'm not even a bloke.

It's all in hand, Laura.

I just want to give Hot and Cold a taste of what could happen

if we did go steady.

Disgusting. I hope you've put just as much effort into your, you know, chuff.

I had actually forgotten about that.

He's not coming anyway, so doesn't matter.

Yes, he is. Now, off you both piss, please.

Unless you want to witness a whole night of...shagging.

Oh, my God! Vile.

Yes, yes. Well, don't wait up.

Because I'm definitely going to be kicking about with Sir Percy and co

after the show till silly o'clock in the morning.

I can't wait to tell them I actually am one of them!

And then Percy's going to introduce me to his agent and he'll say,

"Bunny, allow me to introduce you to my agent," and I'll say,

"Well, thank you, Sir Percy" and he'll say, "No, please, call me..."

Bye, then. Choc ices, ?4. Would anybody like a choc ice?

Anyone?

What are you doing backstage?

Oh, Sir Percy! I didn't recognise you without your wig on.

What? I'm wearing my wig!

Oh, well, don't wear it on the weekend!

What?

Choc ice?

No. I'm in the middle of Act I.

I've got a surprise secret.

Shut up. You're in my way.

OK, OK, I'll tell you later, yeah?

God, what a guy!

HE GROANS

HE GROANS LOUDLY

Ah!

Gary, it's frozen. Gary, the screen's frozen.

Gary! Gary!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

'Are you sure you just prefer to watch?'

Yeah. Turns me on.

'Will you show us your tits?'

No, I'm putting you away. I'm shutting you down.

'Please, I need treats. Plea...'

Oh, phew! God, I'm exhausted.

Oh, God. What a first half!

It's a tricky old crowd, isn't it? We'll get there in the end, won't we?

Who are you?

I'm Bunny. And I know who YOU are, Percy Macdonald.

I loved your Hamlet. It was so raw.

Sorry, why are you in here?

Well, I'm an actress. Like you!

I trained at Yada. It's the Yorkshire Academy of Dramatic...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, but which production are you in?

Oh, this one, silly!

I thought you were just an usher.

Yah. It's just a stopgap.

So, the aftershow party - is it open to all the actors?

Cos you know, I was just thinking of stopping by.

HE WHISPERS

Leave? Why?

There you are! Do I look like your mother?

Oh, God, no! My mother's very attractive.

You can't just dump merchandise in the hallway. They've all melted.

And why aren't you out there?

Diane, it is the interval and I needed a rest.

Please, Diane, let me give you a hand with these.

Oh, no. Please, Percy, let me give YOU a hand... It's SIR Percy, yes?

Look, Bunny. I think you should just go home and come back tomorrow

when you've reassessed your priorities.

I can't work tomorrow. I have a birthday.

Do you want this job or not?

YES! Yes, I do. Please don't fire me.

Please, just give me a chance to prove myself.

Fine. See you tomorrow.

To be, or not to be.

That is the question. What are you doing?

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the slings and the arrows of contagious fortune...

OUTRAGEOUS fortune.

Or to make arms...

TAKE arms. Jesus Christ!

..against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.

To die, to sleep no more

and by a sleep to say that we end the heartache.

Jesus - end my fucking heartache!

Please, just STOP! Just stop!

You are the worst actress I have ever seen.

And I've worked with Tilda Swinton.

THEY LAUGH

I think you should just go.

What about the party, Diane? Just go.

DIAL TONE

BEEP

Oh, hi. It's...it's me...again.

So...if you do get this and you have been in a fire, don't worry.

Um...but if you haven't been in a fire, then...let me know.

OK.

Peace out.

KNOCK AT DOOR

He's not here, is he?

Firstly, I told you so.

Secondly, put some clothes on.

He might have been in an accident or something?

Hopefully.

Meg, if I waited round for every man that told me

he'd "been in an accident" or "Me Gran's died..."

All right, Gary's gran had died that time but still...

Yeah, well, maybe he's just playing it cool.

Maybe he's just not in any way interested?

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, it's him.

Oh, well, he forgot, apparently. At least he's being honest.

Meg, whatever you do, don't... Hi! ..phone him.

No, no, no, no, it's cool.

Yeah, yeah...oh, God! Are you OK?

Yeah, of course I'll come round.

Batteries? Yeah, yeah, OK. OK, bye.

False alarm...

He twisted his ankle playing football.

I thought he forgot.

For a minute there, I thought he was going to stand me up. He did.

Because if he had stood me up, I would not be going over there.

He has...and you are.

But he's hurt his ankle and lucky for him, I am...

..desperate. ..nice.

Anyway...I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm not going to forget your birthday.

Like he forgot your date.

I know some people abandon their friends when they get a boyfriend...

You won't. No.

Because he's not your boyfriend. Not officially.

Not even unofficially. Not yet!

But it might be unofficial soon.

Ciao.

PHONE BEEPS

MUSIC: Ooh La La by Goldfrapp

Hi, guys.

Hi. Did you go shop?

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV

How's your ankle? Oh, yeah, yeah, fine now.

I brought dinner round anyway... Come on, you twat!

What time does this finish?

It's already over. Recorded it from earlier.

Is he going to bed soon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'll, er...

lay the table. Yeah...

HE TURNS VOLUME UP

Get in...

Use him, mate, use him...

Pass it, go on...oh! You idiot!

That's it, that's it.

Yes...go on...the...team.

Go on. Go on. That's it. Oh!

What a waste of space.

Is there enough for Pete, Meg?

Um...yeah.

You can get yourself started in my room if you want.

COMMENTARY: Edge of the box, goes for goal, he's scored!

Oh, yeah! Yes! Get in!

Yes! Go on, son!

BUNNY CRYING

The sheer abs humiliash!

God, I can never go back there again! Of course you can.

And...they want me to work on your birthday brunch.

Right, you can't go back there.

I know how we'll handle this.

We'll show them acting skills.

Go get your phone.

He's gone to bed.

TV HOST IN BACKGROUND

Um, hello, yes it's Bun...

DEEPER VOICE: Yeah...

It's Dr...Bun-ton here. Yeah, um...

Unfortunately, I just need to tell you

that Bunny will not be able to come in to work tomorrow.

Um...I'm afraid that she has...

In fact, she's died.

What from? Oh...

..choking, choking.

Um, on...it was on...it was, it was it was...a choc ice, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no, that would melt. Sorry, if you'd just let me finish,

it was, actually it was a...

It was a...choc ice wrapper...wrapper.

Yeah, God knows, God knows.

Even as I'm saying it, I just can't quite believe it but...

Yeah, she wanted me to tell you that she couldn't actually

come to work tomorrow...

As she was choking, she said that, yeah.

Yeah, so...no work for her.

All right, bye!

LAURA APPLAUDS

BUNNY LAUGHS

Where did you go? Shower.

Were you dreaming about me? Yeah...

Having nightmares. Touche.

Have you just put some more lipstick on? Maybe.

Have you done that for me, Keswick?

You realise I'm just going to kiss it all off, don't you?

Oh, OK...

Oh, it's... You've got it all over your teeth.

Aw, Gaz...

PHONE BEEPS

HE GRUNTS

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

HE PANTS FOR BREATH

Morning.

What do you tell people?

Do you still say you're single or what?

Look, I told you, labels just complicate things.

It is what it is.

"It is what it is" is what people say when something's a bit shit.

Do you think it's a bit shit?

No...

But...

Well...

I would like to...know.

Know what?

When are we going to get a mortgage?

Why do girls always do this?

Do what? Over-think everything.

Look, if you're not happy, don't come round any more.

No-one's forcing you to see me.

Fine.

I won't.

I won't come round any more.

If you want to see me, you have to come to mine. Deal.

So, are you still coming to Laura's birthday brunch?

When? Now.

I can't. Why?

I've got a date.

SKYPE DIAL TONE

Right...everybody ready?

ALL: Yeah!

ALL SING: Happy birthday... LAURA: ..to me.

Laura... Happy Birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me... Laura!

Happy birthday to me!

No, Laura, don't!

Gary, you fucktard!

I'm sorry, Laura. I didn't know I was getting treats.

Yeah, well, you were getting treats for being so nice,

but you're never getting treats ever again.

HIS FRIENDS LAUGH Yes, Laura. Sorry. Happy Birthday.

Oh, shut up.

You did look fit, though. Ugh...

MUSIC: Don't Mess Me Around by Clare Maguire

# You should've known

# That I am not that kind of girl

# You can't mess me round

Round, round...

GIRL RINGS DOORBELL

Terribly sad.

She was such a wonderful human, such a dear, dear friend.

Happy birthday! Thanks, mate.

This is not for you.

Oh, my God, they love me.

What's going on?

I am an amazing actor, is what is going on.

OK, I feel a bit bad about it. I may have pulled a cheeky sicky

but they're being really nice to me now.

Because they think you're dead.

Well, I can't help it if I'm such a convincing performer.

We'll probably all have a really big giggle about this later on.

Percy's a hoot. Where is he, then?

Who, Hot and Cold?

Not coming. Is dating someone else.

Who gives a shit? I definitely don't.

I've got my mates. It's my best mate's birthday. Let's brunch.

Let's party. I just want to dance.

There's no music playing. Don't need it.

OK, maybe put some music on.

Are you OK, Meg?

Yeah, I just want to dance.

I think we should all dance.

Come on!

Woo! Yeah!

Woo! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, uh...

Are you sure you're OK, Meg?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Mmm...you've got tears rolling down your cheeks.

I think you might have been right, Laura.

I think he was a bit of a bellend,

but who cares?

THROUGH TEARS: It's cool. I'm cool.

So cool! It's cool, OK?

It's cool. Yeah, totally cool.

It's so cool.

So, so cool.

Exactly... Shots?

Happy birthday! Thank you.

Let us take a moment to pay tribute to the sad

death of one of our company.

I'm sure we all have fond memories of Bunny as a great team player.

Let us have a moment's prayer.

Surprise!

My gosh! Oh...

I got you! I'm not really dead! I was just acting!

I tried to tell you!

I'm an actor!

Can I have a part now?

Get her out. What?

Oh...oh, no. You don't understand. I belong here!

I belong with you! I do!

MUSIC: Hot N Cold by Katy Perry

# You're yes then you're no

# You're in then you're out

# You're up then you're down

# You're wrong when it's right

# It's black and it's white

# We fight, we break up

# We kiss, we make up

# You don't really wanna stay, no

But you don't really wanna go...

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