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1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,160
BORED SIGH
2
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,720
What's wrong, Gary? I've been
working it for 15 minutes -
3
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,640
and nothing. Are you tired?
4
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,840
Look, it's just earlier today...
5
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,040
I may have had
one or two cheeky wanks.
6
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,680
Well, which was it? One or two? Have
you been spaffing to porn again?
7
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,447
You're meant to be on a porn diet.
You're addicted.
8
00:00:30,527 --> 00:00:32,100
I'm not addicted,
it's my hobby.
9
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:36,360
Well, give it a rest, cos when you
can get it up it's no fun for me either.
10
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,480
Alright, I'll try.
11
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,280
He just can't seem to get excited
by the real thing anymore.
12
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,960
It's all just a bit... vanilla.
13
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:49,000
I've seen things, Laura,
things I can't... unsee.
14
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,200
SIGHS
15
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,320
# I'm so excited
16
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,920
# Oh-oh-oh-oh!
17
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,000
Someday, someday, Leeds United!
18
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,480
I were hoping work was gonna help me
forget Gary's useless knob.
19
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,240
Hey! Enough sex talk, focus on
the condoms, please?
20
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,120
It's bad enough having to stand in
till Bunny arrives.
21
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,680
You didn't have to wear her costume,
Malcolm. I can see your nipples.
22
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:23,080
That's a lie, Meg,
because mine are inverted.
23
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:27,120
Bugger off.
24
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,760
So sorry. Slept through my alarm.
And then I went shopping. Sorry.
25
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,720
Okay. Put this on, please?
26
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,120
Urgh. Malcolm, it's damp.
27
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,600
Don't worry, it's not sweat.
It's Vaseline.
28
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,280
How can you afford all that
on what he pays us?
29
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,933
Daddy gave me his credit card
to use for emergencies.
30
00:01:48,013 --> 00:01:49,320
How is this is an emergency?
31
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,880
The Harvey Nichols sale ends today.
I see you got some stilts.
32
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,480
You know what they say,
if the shoe fits, buy them.
33
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:59,520
And if they don't, just buy them
anyway and take painkillers. PHONE RINGS
34
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,000
Shit. It's Dad. He must know
I've used his card.
35
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,880
ENDS CALL
36
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,680
Find My Phone?
Who's using Find My Phone?
37
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,080
Oh, shit! He's tracking me.
38
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:16,120
RINGS
Oh, God, now he's ringing me again.
39
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,600
Hanging up. That'll fix it.
40
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,240
So, what is the word - literally -
on the street?
41
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,440
Gary said I'm too "vanilla".
He don't find me sexy anymore.
42
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,080
Course he does, Laura.
He finds everything sexy.
43
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,040
I can understand why you're angry,
Laura, porn is so degrading to women.
44
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,627
It makes us feel like objects.
45
00:02:32,707 --> 00:02:35,080
Yeah, like an object
nobody wants, like a book.
46
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,400
You know what they say.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
47
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,040
I aren't doing porn,
you have to change your name.
48
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,840
I think she means watch porn
with him. Oh.
49
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:46,040
Meg?
Kate!
50
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,080
Oh, my God. I haven't seen you
since we left school.
51
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,960
B6 Biology Biatches.
B6 Biology Biatches.
52
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:59,080
Oh, my God, what have you been up to?
Oh, well, a few years back
53
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,907
I opened a coffee
stall in Harrogate
54
00:03:00,987 --> 00:03:03,160
out the back of a repurposed
rickshaw. Not bad.
55
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,591
- I've been
- The business has grown into
56
00:03:05,671 --> 00:03:07,720
a chain of successful
boutique coffee shops and
57
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,480
I'm about to expand the franchise in
to nine more cities. What about you?
58
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,960
Um,
59
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,000
similar. I-I'm working in
communications for...
60
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,400
for a high-end purveyor of
upmarket... rubber Jonathans.
61
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,720
I'm a big believer in safe sex.
It's my passion.
62
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,760
Meg, hun, who made you wear
this degrading thing?
63
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,000
Hello. Can I interest you in
heightening your sensual pleasure
64
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,680
whilst lowering the risk of
Chlamydia today?
65
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,360
Him. He made me do this.
66
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,480
Are you aware that by the age of 17,
67
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,400
78 percent of girls
are self-conscious about
68
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,360
their body image, all thanks to
ignorant men like you
69
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,920
objectifying intelligent women
like these?
70
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,520
God, you're a business dinosaur
and, like the actual dinosaurs,
71
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,960
you'll soon be extinct.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
72
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,885
You don't like the slutty outfits?
73
00:04:01,965 --> 00:04:03,960
No, I do not like
the slutty outfits,
74
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,000
and neither will the Equality and Human
Rights Commission when I report this.
75
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,400
I'll talk to head office
straightaway.
76
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:14,440
And please, by way of an apology,
have some free spunk bags.
77
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,280
Meg, it has been so lovely
seeing you. LinkedIn me, yeah?
78
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,600
I want to have sex with her life.
79
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,280
Right then. So, what kind do you
wanna watch?
80
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,720
I dunno, what do you wanna watch?
81
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,080
Anything you wanna watch really.
You choose. No, you choose.
82
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:43,120
Ladies first, honestly. Well, you're
the expert. What are you into?
83
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,760
Well, I dunno. Um...
84
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,320
I quite like...
85
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,920
..this kind?
WOMAN MOANING
86
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,440
No. Right. Let's build up to that.
87
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,480
What about Hot Dirty Blondes?
Nah. Borin'.
88
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,600
Something else. What about...
89
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,440
KEYS CLICK
..this?
90
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,280
MILFs? As in mums?
91
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,480
Mums I'd Like To...
92
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:12,520
Yeah. Is that okay?
93
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,080
Sexy XXX MILFs,
94
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,160
Porn MILF on MILF action,
95
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,200
Two MILFs one cup.
Lager-drinking MILF gets shagged?
96
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,040
MILFs behaving badly.
97
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,960
OVER COMPUTER
"It's just ridiculous..."
98
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,480
She can't be a mum,
she's fucking my age.
99
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,600
And those are not the tits of
someone who's breastfed.
100
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,665
"Oh, Jimmy. Oh, my God. If your
father heard you talking like that..."
101
00:05:35,745 --> 00:05:36,990
Hang on, is she his mum?
102
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,200
Stepmum. Shhh.
103
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,760
"I'm serious..." Ugh!
"I'm fucking serious."
104
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,320
That's not how you get a lad
to tidy his room. "Oh, my God..."
105
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,320
Maybe it is. Oh, that's convenient.
106
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,080
I thought she were annoyed with him,
now she's sucking him off. Shhh!
107
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,960
Why do girls always have to talk
through films?
108
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,920
The plot's all over the place, Gary.
109
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,960
Oh, that is so hot. I would love it
if you did that to me.
110
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,277
Yeah, and I'd like it
if you had a six pack,
111
00:06:04,357 --> 00:06:06,400
and a big fat swinging dick
that lasted 45 minutes.
112
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,400
Can't always get what we want,
can we?!
113
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,280
Where are you going?
Fancy dress party?
114
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,840
What's the theme?
American bingo ladies?
115
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,720
I'm going to see Kate at one of her
cafes. How funny is this,
116
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,760
it's called Bean & Scone.
117
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,800
It's "scoane". Why are you drinking
coffee before you go to a coffee shop?
118
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,360
I thought you hated it anyway.
Me? No. I love it.
119
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,458
Didn't you once have
an allergic reaction
120
00:06:41,538 --> 00:06:43,400
to coffee where you
had hallucinations?
121
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,840
You said you could see noises.
122
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:49,080
Kate is just the sort of person
I should be hanging out with.
123
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,429
Hoping some of her success
rubs off on me.
124
00:06:51,509 --> 00:06:53,120
What, like her dress sense has?
125
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,376
Pfft. Says the girl
whose dress sense is
126
00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:57,440
"smart casual-ly
stealing from her father".
127
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,529
I've had a tough week,
I feel like I've earned it.
128
00:07:01,609 --> 00:07:03,120
Your dad has. How are the stilts?
129
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:08,320
I've fallen over twice, but who
cares when I look this good?
130
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,760
Yeah, you look drunk. You do realise
he's gonna make you
131
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,520
take it all back
once he tracks you down? Wrong.
132
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,080
How can he track me down
when my phone isn't on?
133
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,240
You're just gonna keep it switched
off till, what, you die?
134
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,640
No. Just until the store's
return policy runs out.
135
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:29,400
28 days without a phone?
You won't last half an hour.
136
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,520
28 days? Is that how long it is?
137
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,800
Hold on, I'm just gonna Google that.
138
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,960
I can't use my phone.
139
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,680
That horny twat's been wanking
himself dry over MILFs.
140
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,720
What have MILFs got that I haven't?
Children? I don't trust internet MILFs.
141
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,440
I reckon most of them
aren't even mothers anyway.
142
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,640
I mean, who's looking after
the kids? Probably at school.
143
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,840
Nine o'clock, drop the kids off.
9:30, film a shag.
144
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,880
Lunch. Couple of blowies. Pick the
kids up again. Tea. Homework. Bed.
145
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:04,040
MILFs.
146
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,960
EXPLOSIONS AND CHIRRUPING
147
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,040
Mummy's very angry.
148
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,640
What are you doing?
I'm a MILF, Gary.
149
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,369
Like one of those internet ones
you've been creaming over.
150
00:08:18,449 --> 00:08:19,680
Ah, yes. Have I been naughty?
151
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,000
Yeah, I asked you to tidy your room,
but look at it, it's a pigsty.
152
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,480
Am I gonna be punished?
I should be putting a hot wash on.
153
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,480
Oh, yeah, keep talking,
you dirty MILF.
154
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,896
I should be putting a hot wash on
155
00:08:31,976 --> 00:08:34,520
but I'm so knackered from lugging
round all this baby weight.
156
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,360
I'm just a tired, horny MILF.
157
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,200
This is so wrong.
158
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,240
I know, I shouldn't be feeling all
these feelings about my... son.
159
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,120
I shouldn't be here.
But I can't control myself.
160
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:51,160
We can't control ourselves. This is
really turning me on, Laura.
161
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,720
Yeah, well, tidy up this shithole
and get your cock out.
162
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,600
This is so naughty, keep talking.
163
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:59,600
I shouldn't be thinking all these
things about you.
164
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,320
Like what? You're useless.
You're a waste of time.
165
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,160
You're gonna fail all your exams,
you thick bastard. No wonder Dad left.
166
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,720
What? Laura, you sound like
my real mum.
167
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:12,480
I'm not Laura, I'm Gill.
Gill's my mum's name.
168
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,320
Yeah, exactly.
No, don't be my actual mum.
169
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,360
I don't fancy my real mum. You've
taken it too far. He's gone soft now.
170
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,880
Ohh! Well, at least I'm trying!
171
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,480
If I don't turn you on, Gary,
just come out and say it.
172
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,520
It's time for drastic measures.
No, Laura! You do turn me on, Laura!
173
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,880
SIGHS
174
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,520
Are you still putting a hot wash on?
175
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,800
BELL TINKLES
176
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,840
Free of charge, because you're
making a difference
177
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,560
One espresso, please?
I'm hearing you. One espresso.
178
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,040
One espresso.
Oh, hi, Meg. What up, biatch?
179
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,760
What up, you bitch. So, can anyone
get a free coffee or...?
180
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,600
Oh, only those supporting charities.
In this case,
181
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,520
the fight against bipolar disorder.
Why fight it I say? I'm hearing you.
182
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:02,853
I've got an uncle with bipolar,
183
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:05,560
he's a right laugh - but sometimes
he does want to kill himself.
184
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,240
No, we all feel a bit like that
sometimes, don't we,
185
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,280
before we've had our first coffee in
the morning, am I right?
186
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,160
Mmm...
187
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,160
Do you fancy a latte?
Yeah, do I?
188
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,320
Cos it's not like I don't like
coffee, cos I do.
189
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,600
Death to decaf, that's what I say.
Two lattes, there you go.
190
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,960
Cool cups.
Why doesn't everyone use these?
191
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,880
Sit with me.
GULPS
192
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,240
Oh, look at us, back together again,
193
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,840
you with your napkins
and your franchise
194
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,360
and your bloody successful life.
195
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,400
Me with...
PHONE BLEEPS
196
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,960
It's another batch of CVs
from the agency.
197
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,640
I really didn't think it'd be this
hard to find a new store manager.
198
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:57,360
What skills might be required
for such a position?
199
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,360
You need to be very organised.
Click.
200
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,600
Someone who's good at listening
and taking things on board.
201
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,600
If I've listened to that and taken it
on board correctly,
202
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,640
you need someone who's good at both
listening and taking things on board.
203
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,040
The hardest thing is just finding
someone
204
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:16,080
who can think outside the box.
Cheese-accino. Er, coffee.
205
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,000
Frothy cheese. Chocolate sprinkles.
Cheese-accino.
206
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,840
Sell 'em to the French.
207
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,760
BOTH LAUGH
208
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,280
God, it is so fun having you around.
209
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,398
Wait a minute, do you
have you any previous
210
00:11:30,478 --> 00:11:32,320
hot beverage preparation
experience? Me?
211
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Shitloads. Yeah, yeah, tea, coffee,
Ovaltine, Pot Noodle,
212
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,880
you name it, I've poured hot water
on it, sister.
213
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,920
Why don't you come and work for me?
Erm, let me just think about that.
214
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,560
Er.. Yes!
215
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,600
I'm hearing you. Obviously we can't
completely bypass the interview.
216
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,738
But it's just be me
asking the questions,
217
00:11:52,818 --> 00:11:54,680
and it's 90 percent
personality anyway.
218
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,560
Personality? Ooh, has anyone around
here got one of those?
219
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,800
LAUGHS
220
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,760
Me. So what is your current notice
period?
221
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,800
Er, just the time it takes me
to text Malcolm.
222
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,300
Let's do this, biatch.
Ah!
223
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,400
CLICKS AND WHIRS
224
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,520
What are you doing?
225
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,920
No Instagram, so I am taking a photo
of my food
226
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,240
and then I'm going to post it
to some friends.
227
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,027
Once I pick it up
from Snappy Snaps.
228
00:12:23,107 --> 00:12:25,280
Bunny, you sound like a
technological dinosaur -
229
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,360
and you know what happens to them,
don't you?
230
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,578
They stand in the living room
talking to me?
231
00:12:30,658 --> 00:12:32,400
Do you even know
how to use that phone?
232
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:36,240
You're thinking outside the box, I'm
hearing you. Another latte, Meg.
233
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,120
Careful. You've been downing those
all day.
234
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,880
Liquid research. What can I say?
I've got a very mature palate.
235
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,760
And a really fast-pumping heart. And
a headache. And I feel a bit sick.
236
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,440
Meg, you won't be able to sleep at
this rate.
237
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,520
Yeah, I'm hearing you, but it's just
Kate interviewing me
238
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:56,560
so it's going to be a piece of piss.
Me and K are like this...
239
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,760
Oh. Hmm...
240
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,440
GROANS
241
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,200
Are you trying to cross
your fingers?
242
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:12,240
I think it might be the caffeine.
243
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,000
SHE SIGHS
Thank you.
244
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,640
Like this.
245
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,680
So, this is actual Viagra?
246
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,040
HE GULPS
247
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,640
RETCHES
248
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,960
I paid 25 quid for those, Gary -
plus postage from Pyongyang!
249
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,549
I'm not seeing them go to waste.
250
00:13:38,629 --> 00:13:41,000
- I can't swallow big pills!
- Oh, grow some bollocks.
251
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,320
It's a medical condition - and
there's nothing you can take for it.
252
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,760
Right.
253
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,680
GUTTURAL GARGLING
Swallow it, you pussy!
254
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,720
Agh! Oh!
255
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,960
Oh, for f...
256
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000
When Mum wanted me to take big pills
257
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,320
she used to sprinkle them
on ice cream.
258
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:03,360
Can we not bring your mum into this?
259
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,880
CRUNCHING
260
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,800
You hard yet?
Not yet.
261
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,840
SHE SIGHS
262
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,800
I might need another bowl.
263
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,680
God, my feet are actually killing
me. Are we nearly home yet?
264
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,040
Wait, where are we?
265
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,760
At my interview for Bean & Scone.
It's "scoane".
266
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,360
Meg, this is extremely selfish,
how am I supposed to get home?
267
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,640
Keep walking there? It's ten minutes.
268
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,160
How? You can't get home without
the map on your phone, can you? No,
269
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,910
and I don't wanna use Daddy's
credit card to get a cab.
270
00:14:44,990 --> 00:14:46,200
That'd be taking the piss.
271
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:50,080
Finally found it - the moral
boundary. Wasn't sure there was one.
272
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,480
I suppose I'll just have to wait
for you then.
273
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,920
SHE SIGHS
God, I'm bored already.
274
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,960
Latte?
Why not?
275
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,400
Mmm. You haven't slept, have you?
Not a wink.
276
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,800
How's my breath?
Have I got a furry tongue?
277
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,920
Megan Keswick, they're ready
for you. Can I come with?
278
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,960
No, thanks. Already got
enough friends in there.
279
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,400
Voila, bi... atch...
280
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,720
CLICKS
281
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,360
Megan, may I introduce you to the
venture capitalists who control
282
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:30,040
90 percent of my company.
As I said, it's just a formality.
283
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,760
Latte? We've been trying out
the new machine.
284
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,000
Do I ever?
285
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,200
Mmm... Hmm...
286
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,720
Mmm.
287
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,840
Let me guess, Colombian roast?
Peruvian blend.
288
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,760
Peruvian blend. Yep, that's what I
thought it was. It's my favourite one.
289
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,720
Mmm... Mmm...
290
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,320
Mmm.
291
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,360
That is great. Now, Megan, you mentioned
you had some previous experience
292
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,960
of customer-facing
commercial beverage preparation.
293
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,120
Please elaborate.
294
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,160
Yes, Kate. Well, er, I've had
so much customer-facing
295
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,200
commercial beverage preparation
experience,
296
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,480
it's hard to choose just one.
297
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,520
As this is the first question, it's
probably best if you did.
298
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,520
Great. Yeah, great.
299
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,920
Great.
300
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,960
NERVOUS LAUGH
Great. Great...
301
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,000
Sorry, can you repeat the question?
302
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,440
BONE CLICKS
Argh!
303
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,400
Oh, my ankle.
304
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,560
I think I need a doctor?
305
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,840
Let's try a different question.
306
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,880
What is the perfect ratio
for a flat white?
307
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:03,240
Great. Great, yeah.
308
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,760
Great.
309
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,480
Aaaah!
310
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,520
Eeeee!
311
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,320
I can't use my phone.
312
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,080
Meg!
GENTLE THUD
313
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,160
Turds.
GRUNTS
314
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,160
Meg, I can't get up.
315
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:30,200
It's just flat, and then a bit
of white... It's just...
316
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,080
LAUGHS
You're nervous, that's fine.
317
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:37,120
OK, Meg, the guys would like to see
your coffee-making skills. Great.
318
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,120
Coffee. Here we go.
319
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,200
How do you take it? Milk? Sugar?
320
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,240
We'd like you to make a venti skinny
three-pump peppermint decaf mocha.
321
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,040
One of those coming right up.
322
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,320
NERVOUS LAUGH
323
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,360
Oh, no, Meg. "Venti".
324
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:02,120
No, "venti".
Oh, venti.
325
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,640
Which agency sent her?
Personal recommendation.
326
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,600
A wobbly start, but I'm sure
she knows what she's doing.
327
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,640
No, Meg, that's my Young
Businesswoman of the Year Award.
328
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:24,120
Meg. Venti! The large ones on
the right, sweetheart.
329
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,800
MUFFLED CRIES
Meg, help! (Fuck off.)
330
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,440
My foot!
331
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,440
Meg?
Yep, I'm hearing you. Large cups.
332
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,400
My foot. Meg!
333
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,560
LOUD HISS
Fuck me, that's loud!
334
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,920
Okay, well, they've changed
the model.
335
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,960
It used to come out of the other one.
336
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:58,040
LOUD HISS
337
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,800
Eight minutes and you're still
going? This is a new personal best.
338
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,840
My ballsack's rock solid. I'm scared!
339
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,960
I'm gonna change position.
My knees are blistering, Gaz.
340
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,880
Ohh!
341
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,680
Jesus, are you getting close yet?
Not even a twitch.
342
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,720
After this I'm gonna bone you again
and then again. Forever.
343
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,640
I'll just let it cool down
for a moment.
344
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,440
Please, Gaz... When will it end...?
345
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,040
Ah, ah, I'm sorry.
346
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,280
Maybe we should get the laptop?
347
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,480
Not a chance. Forget it!
348
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,398
You've ruined our sex life, Gaz,
with your internet grot.
349
00:19:42,478 --> 00:19:43,520
We've tried everything.
350
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:48,080
Agh... Right, you're going on a porn
diet whether you like it or not. No.
351
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,200
And I'm taking this.
No, not the router!
352
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:57,240
And this. Call me when you're at
half-mast. No. Noooo!
353
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:02,360
Okay.
LOUD HISS AND LIQUID SPILLS
354
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,920
Mmmmm.
355
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:13,280
Were you just sick?
Wasn't. Haven't done a sick.
356
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,840
She was. I saw it.
She was sick in that cup.
357
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,880
I think we should stop the
interview. No! Meg, were you sick?
358
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,000
No, it's just frothy milk.
359
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,600
Look, I trust Meg 100 percent.
360
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,600
I've known this girl since school,
she wouldn't lie.
361
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,640
If she says she wasn't sick in that
cup, she wasn't sick in the cup.
362
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,920
I wasn't sick in the cup.
363
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,760
SHE GULPS
364
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,920
She was sick in the cup.
365
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,840
We will be in touch.
No, you won't.
366
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,600
Meg! Help me!
What the fuck?
367
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,120
Oh, hi, Meg.
Do you know her?
368
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,200
No.
Meg!
369
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,240
She's bipolar. Did you forget to
take your meds, you mental cunt?
370
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,600
MEG GROANS
371
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,365
Kate, we need to have a dialogue
about this. Yeah, okay.
372
00:21:11,445 --> 00:21:12,640
Meg, will you just get out?
373
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,400
Yeah, doing that now, Kate, mate.
I'll LinkedIn you, yeah?
374
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,760
Oh, Meg.
375
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,800
I don't think my life could get
much worse.
376
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,680
Well, this is an improvement.
Er, girls, please. Sorry, "ladies".
377
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,360
I mean "humans".
378
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,691
The important point is, your outfits
now no longer objectify women.
379
00:21:37,771 --> 00:21:38,400
You're welcome.
380
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,520
I am single-handedly moving gender
equality
381
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,880
in the promo distribution industry
into the 20th century.
382
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,840
21st century.
Well, baby steps.
383
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,600
Shame on you!
384
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,280
Right now, hang on a minute.
Excuse me?
385
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,920
This is hilarious.
CLICKS
386
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,400
Phone's back on, then?
Oh, yeah, good news.
387
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,280
Dad wasn't ringing about the credit
card after all,
388
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,400
turns out my auntie's died,
thank God.
389
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,360
How's Gary's penis?
Dieting.
390
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,160
So I take it you didn't get the job
then, Meg? Nope. It's cool though,
391
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,200
Yes.
392
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,520
Even if you were
dressed as a johnny? Yeah.
393
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,960
Well, good, cos she's here now.
394
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,840
Kate! Kate. Biatch!
395
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,720
Ah, she obviously hasn't seen me.
Biatch!
396
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,000
Kate, it's me. Biatch! It's me.
397
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,000
Literally a massive dick.
398
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,760
Kate. Biatch! Biatch!
399
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,800
# Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
he's a regular boy
400
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,560
# Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
he's a regular boy
401
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,600
# He's the best boy in the town
402
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,160
# He's good at bowling, man
403
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:56,200
He's the best boy in the town,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
404
00:22:56,250 --> 00:23:00,800
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