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I want something long-term and lasting.

I don't want to ride any old thing.

But maybe that's because I'm Swedish,

we have a very different attitude to cycling.

So, Bendt, I was just thinking, I bet my mates will be pretty impressed

when I tell them I've been on a date with a Swedish guy.

Whoa, whoa! "Date?" Yeah.

Maybe I misunderstand. I understood "date" to mean romantic.

Sorry?

I understood this to be a study meeting? Language exchange?

Anyway, I've kind of been selfish.

You also wanted to practise your Swedish.

Finns det manga saker for ungdomar att gora i din stad?

Eller ar detta ett stort problem?

Wallander?

So basically my first date in forever wasn't actually a date.

I was human homework.

Did you not get my text?

What text?

"Cucumber!" It's our agreed safe word.

If I text you "cucumber", it means I need rescuing.

Oh, I just thought you were sending me a friendly, erotic text.

What's erotic about the word "cucumber"? Oh, Meg!

Ain't that the second bird this week?

Yes! How is he doing this?

He must be drugging them.

Ladies!

He's actually winning the break-up.

He's clearly on BangR. You need to download it too, Meg. Pronto.

What's 'BangR'?

Oh, Meg! "What's BangR?" "What are cucumbers?"

God, you're so innocent. I didn't say "What are cucumbers?"!

It's a sex app.

It's like eBay for cock and balls. Without the shit old clothes.

It's still a rapists' paradise, isn't it?

There's always that risk, Meg. It's the downside to having a twat.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do see the appeal of being

rejected in the comfort of your own home, but...

Here we go. "Where's the romance?" Such a homo!

Oh, come on, Meg, get involved. It's the 20th century. Is it?

It's no coincidence that your absence from the world

of cyber-courtship correlates directly with the absence

of penis up inside your vag.

Are both of you on this thing?

Meg? Everyone is!

Fine! I'll try it.

Freak. Freak. Fit...

You've got a boyfriend!

Yeah, but it's only a bit of fun, innit? It's no big deal.

Gary!

The little bastard's on BangR!

Right!

Make sure you do her up for her profile pic.

This "barely there" look won't cut it.

Yeah, Meg, have you got a padded bra?

I think she means my make-up is barely there?

Oh. Of course. Sorry.

Seriously, though... Yeah I'll go and get it.

Gary, can I borrow your phone?

Oh! What you doin' that for?!

Laura!

That, HorneyGary69 from Armley, who likes poetry, motorsports

and Katie Price, is what you get for being on BangR!

Yeah, well, knock yourself out, because you're dumped, mate!

'Gradual pressure transition finishing...'

Face tattoo.

Ugh! Weird earhole things.

Oh, he's tucked it between his legs!

Yes!

Fit.

Ping!

Meg, don't be so shallow!

At least read his profile first. You don't even know what car he's got.

Ugh. What he looks normal. Ish.

I don't care. He's probably an insufferable bell-end.

Guys that good-looking usually are. I'm not after sparkling conversation.

I just want a face that looks great on the selfie

I post several times on Instagram.

Which Mark may or may not see. Exactly.

Bosh!

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi, Meg, it's Dad!

Yes, I know. Your name comes up on the screen every time you ring me.

Listen, Meg, I don't want you to worry, but your mum's in hospital.

What? Why? She's had a little fall.

Oh, God! Well, I'll come there now. No, Meg, don't.

Dad! Mum is in hospital!

I think she'll want me to be there.

And you'll have to pay for the cab when I arrive.

Frank, I told you I didn't want Meg down.

Well, thanks a lot!

It's fine, love. You didn't need to come, it's nothing, really.

Don't be silly. How did it happen?

I slipped. Slipped doing what?

In the shower.

Shower.

Why have you got a bandage on, Uncle Frank?

Eh?!

Oh, right, yeah.

Um. Oh, come on, we're all adults here, aren't we?

I slipped as well, Meg. In the shower.

Oh! Please kill me!

Not a totally wasted journey.

We can still find out which nearby fit doctors are on BangR.

The whole doctors and nurses thing is just so sexy.

Yeah, I think in reality, they prod around people's diseased bits

and wash old ladies - not my idea of the apex of eroticism.

Bingo!

Ah! Time to

"get myself an appointment", if you know what I mean. Yep.

An "appointment for sex". Uh-huh.

With him. Yes, I got it, Bunny.

Ooh!

Oh! What does a little red cross mean?

Is that something to do with first aid?

No, that means he's rejected your match request.

No. That does not happen to me.

Bunny, believe me.

I've been on BangR for three hours now.

I know what rejection looks like. It looks like a little red cross.

B-but, I'm doing dead eyes and blow-job lips in my picture.

Welcome to the world of rejection!

Please join me in the holding area and wait to be called.

So. I've been thinking.

I think he must've been in surgery and his finger slipped.

What? The doctor I was telling you about.

Let it go, mate.

Ooh.

Oh, yes! The unfeasibly fit guy's got back to me!

I'm going on a date with Chris!

Let's see? Check it out. Winning the break-up!

What you gonna wear? Need something slutty.

Can I borrow a dress, then? Yeah.

So, where you going on this "hot" date, Meg?

Well, he lives in Goole?

So just going to meet there.

Goole? Yeah.

The town? Yeah.

The town near Hull?

Oh, shit, is it? That's, like, 4O miles away!

Didn't you limit your search distance?

I didn't know you had "limit your search distance"!

Oh, great!

You're not going, are you?

I've put all the groundwork in now.

Fuck it.

I'll just go to Goole.

So you're now commuting for a one-night stand? Disgusting!

If he finds out you've travelled all the way from Leeds just for a date,

he's going to think you're really desperate.

Well, he doesn't have to know. I could be from Goole.

"Hello, I am Meg, I am from Goole. Charmed, I'm sure!"

Have you ever even been to Goole?

I'll just read the Wikipedia entry.

Bone up on a few factoids.

Don't say "factoids" on your date, mate. Yeah.

I've got meself a BangR date tomorrow night, as well.

Just to piss off Gary.

You sort yourself a date, Ginge?

No. No. But I've been thinking

that tomorrow night, I'm going to go to the hospital. Oh, God!

I know that feeling of regret

when you accidentally swipe somebody out of your life.

He's probably lost sleep over it ever since.

He's a doctor. Lives are at stake.

It must be put right.

It's practically a public duty.

Hello, I'm looking for a particular doctor.

I don't know his name. He has brown hair

and the enigmatic sexual energy of a young David Cameron.

Oh, yeah, that'd be Doctor Adams.

"Doctor Adams"!

And is he working tonight?

He is. May I ask...

Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Fit things come to those who wait.

Right, well, your profile picture bullshitted me.

You look nothing like it.

Well, I have been working out a fair bit since then.

Hi, Laura!

Come quick, terrorists have set fire to me

and hit me with a hammer and stuff.

Don't worry, I'm staying put in Uncle Sam's.

Gary's just walked in with some skank who's got a fanny. Ugh!

Bet this is where he takes all his whores.

Isn't it where you two got together?

Whatever.

Chris, I presume!

Meg, right? Hi!

Sorry I'm a bit late.

No worries. Did you have to come far?

No! No. Just, you know down the road.

Oh, right, whereabouts? Goole.

Yeah, right, whereabouts in Goole?

Central Goole. Near the main shop.

Yep, I'm a Gooler.

I'm Goolean. I am a Gool-eh!

Right.

Yeah, a lot of people hate on Goole but I always say,

which other port on the north-east coast

can handle nearly three million tonnes of cargo per annum?

Right, yeah. Is it that much?

Zlotow in Poland is twinned with Goole.

Somebody knows their factoids.

Goooooole!

It seems to be just when I eat certain types of jam.

It doesn't happen with fruit, it is just the kind of compote,

kind of preserve thing.

It's not much my head swells up, my face...

almost the opposite, like shrinks.

So the skin kind of tightens...

Oh, Eugene, you're so funny!

Oh, no, no, it's Adrian. My name's Adrian.

Potato, tomato.

So, what's your job?

I work in the marketing sector of a global enterprise...

You're so charming!

Do excuse me.

I must slash.

What are you playing at?

I don't know what you're talking about. I've moved on, Gary.

This shit has sailed. You've clearly picked up the first guy you could find on BangR

to try and make me jealous.

Bollocks. Adrian might not be Alex Reid.

But he's a good man. Maybe a great man.

And he knows his way around my twat.

I think you should leave. I think you should leave.

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, neither am I.

Ask the waitress for her biggest bottle of champagne.

Er, could we... a bottle of champagne.

Your biggest one. Right, what else?

We'll show him who's on the best date!

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

And it's such a small thing but I really hate it

when people call it Games Of Thrones.

It's clearly GAME of Thrones and just because I'm Northern

doesn't mean I'd choose House Stark, obviously it would be...

House Tyrell!

All the way. Strategically, the Reach is so important.

Good luck trying to starve us out in a siege!

To Highgarden!

If you think you're getting to him first, you're dreaming, love.

I just vomited a pint of blood. Oh, I bet you did.

Hi, Meg. The fit guy isn't a bell end!

What? He's amazing! He's amazing and he likes Game Of Thrones

and he reads books for pleasure and he likes me! Bunny, I seriously think

this could actually be the start of something big!

You're not supposed to be getting attached, this is a sexual conquest.

He does know you're not from Goole? Shit...

No, it's fine. I can keep that up.

Hell, maybe I'll even move to Goole! Can't be that bad.

Did you know it has the largest out-of-town

Morrisons in the East Riding?

Oh, shut up, gotta go!

The doctor will see me now.

Nice try.

Hi, Doctor. Er, yes? I think I'm having an allergic reaction to something

and I'm feeling all hot and bothered.

I wondered if you could give me a looking over. What are you doing this evening?

I'm surgically removing a particularly aggressive

tumour from a man's colon.

Ooh, colon...

That's... up your arse.

Look, you're not exhibiting any obvious physical symptoms.

You need to be sick to be in here.

Now, I really must go.

Can we get shitloads of them little burgers you can eat in one bite?

Can I get some Baileys profiteroles for the table, please.

More ribs, waiter! The big ones on the sizzly plates!

Two of your biggest knickerbocker glories with extra sparklers!

Nachos. Loads of them.

Coffees for everyone! Filter coffees for everyone!

# Happy birthday, dear Adrian

Happy birthday to you!

Laura, I keep telling you, my birthday's in April.

Shut up, you specky knob.

Hiya, Mum, yeah, it's me.

Quick question - what am I allergic to?

Sorry, do you sell penicillin?

No. Birch tree pollen?

No. How about chillies?

Yes. Perfect.

Bye, Mummy.

Well, I guess that's the date. Yeah... I mean,

unless we...

Go back to yours for a drink?

Problem with that.

Flatmate has got the rugby lads round and by the time I left,

there were already quite a few bollocks on display, so...

But we could go back to yours? Can't.

Really, because, same problem. Yeah... um...

My flatmate' got all her hockey team round and, um...

they've got their fannies out.

Next time, then? Yeah. I'd really like that.

At least let me walk to home. No.

No, honestly, that is very kind, but there's, there's really no need.

Sorry, but I insist. Oh, God.

We both know what happened on Anderson Road last week.

Yes, we do.

Who could have missed it, in the local Goole newspaper.

The... Goole Times. That's where I read it.

Ooh! We really have pushed the boat out, haven't we?

Just so you know, I aren't one of these feminist people.

No, I wouldn't dream of insulting you as a woman

by suggesting anything other than splitting the bill.

50-50? I'll take 90-10.

Fuck, Gary! How we going to pay these bills?!

I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'.

Right, how about this - we go out through the bog window

and let our dates pick up the tab?

"Go out through the bog window."

That's your answer to everything, isn't it, Gary?

Most things, yeah.

Right, let's do it.

Hey, Laura... Being in here - do you know what it reminds me of?

Our first date, innit.

This is our cubicle. Do you remember?

Right, come on, get your kecks off and stand on the toilet seat before I change my mind.

Hang on, didn't we already walk down this street?

Well... this is me.

Which one?

This one.

Well, you've got my number, so...

Why've you got a wheelchair ramp to your front door?

I think the question is, Chris, why haven't you got one?

Fair point. Installed it straight after the Paralympics. So don't tell me there's no legacy.

That fucker there - that's your legacy.

That was nice.

I'll call you.

Bye, then. Bye, then.

Off you piss now, Christopher.

Oh, dear lord, it's open...

You must be the girl from the agency.

Yes.

Yes,

that's why I'm in your house.

Come to wash my bottom half.

Have I?

Or was it just your hands this week?

If I can't reach it, I can't wipe it.

Meg? What are you doing?

Chris,

I'm sorry,

I live in Leeds - and that's not my house.

I thought I shouldn't say that cos it might look mental that

I'd come all this way just for sex - not that it was just for sex -

I mean it was just for sex when I was trying to win the break-up -

and I thought you'd be a bell end because of your face but you're not,

you're really nice, even though you've got the arms and chest of a bell end - in a good way.

And there was no way I was going to wash that old lady's vagina

just to keep up the pretence that I live in Goole.

Look. The point is - I lied. That's bad.

Now if it's what you want, I'll get back on the coach to Leeds and you'll never see me again.

And we'll never know what might've been.

Or...

I could stay here with you.

And we can could, who knows, fall in love,

start a new life. Here.

In Goole.

Meg and Chris.

What do you say?

Oh, God. I think I've lost my ticket. Do you take credit cards?

Oh, come on!

It's the last bus!

Ugh!

What? Help me! I've done something really, really silly.

I seriously think I might be dying.

Thanks Bunny,

I texted you cucumber an hour ago

but, believe me, you're far, far too late.

You know you can limit the search... Yes, I know you can limit the search distance, Mark...

..now.

Thanks for this.

I can't take you all the way to the flat, by the way.

you'll have to walk from Dewsbury Road.

Why? I've got a date. Of course you have.

Hang on - it's nearly midnight! What kind of date starts at...

Oh, right.

Bunny, we came as quickly as we could!

I'm so sorry - are you OK?!

She's responding well to treatment - the pain still comes and goes in

waves - but we're doing everything we can to make her comfortable.

Tom's been telling me about his motorbike -

it sounds ever so exciting!

Well, I shall have to take you for a ride some time, Bunny. I mean,

not while you're still a patient.

That would be rather unprofessional.

It's OK, Bunny - breathe through the pain.

Fuckin' hell - is she all right?

Nurse!

Oh, my God!

So sorry about that, I... I don't know what happened there. Just...

Oh, God, that's better.

So...

Tom - this motorbike.

Is it a Harley?

Are you sending someone a safe word? I don't know what you mean.

Ooh.

Got to go. Emergency.

Technically... technically he did ask me out. You both just witnessed it.

Never been turned down.

How was Goole, Meg?

Goole? Yes. Nice enough town. I can never go back.

How was your night?

Well, me and Gary have a big important announcement to make.

We've decided to come off BangR.

Oh, my God, that's so romantic.

I think we should all come off BangR.

And open a window.

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