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Morning.

You're happy. Let me guess, Twitter followers hit double figures?

Nope. Still plateauing at the big seven. Good wedding?

It was brilliant. I met someone, actually. We just hit it off.

She ended up staying over.

She?

I made a new friend. I had a friend-night stand, Laura.

So you met a girl at a wedding, you brought her back here

and slept in a bed with her. Sounds a bit gay, mate.

Oh, come on, you know I'm all about the dong.

Yeah, I forgot you're a cock magnet.

I just made a new friend. Is that so hard to believe? Yes.

Look, she's brilliant, Laura. You're going to love her.

She's over from Australia.

We met over our love for the wheel of Stilton.

We befriended a waiter, then he gave us a bottle of champagne,

then we made up a dance, then we did karaoke together.

She's a top laugh. I'll invite her to my brother's 21st tonight.

Meg, it's all happening so fast.

Morning!

Good morrow all. Cillian.

You look ravishing this morning, Meg.

Laura.

All right. May I trouble you for a source of hydration, Meg?

Er, that's actually Mark's. Is he here?

No, he's back tomorrow. So can you strip the bed, please?

You might want to boil the sheets, they're, er,

pretty much rock hard now.

I do love being in this kitchen around you beautiful,

loving women, it makes me feel ever so tranquil.

So where's your friend, then, Meg?

She's still in bed. Oh, what friend?

She picked her up last night at the wedding.

Oh, Meg. You lesbian sauce pot.

Not like that. There's nothing gay about me

sleeping in a bed with another woman.

Oh, grow up.

Look, Ellie's just my mate, OK? Deal with it.

Hi. Hiya!

Hi, I'm Ellie.

Hi. All right? Hi.

Oh, thanks. I feel awful.

Me, too, my head is pounding.

Hangover! Aw. Totally worth it, though. You were a riot!

Do you remember drawing the cock and balls in the guest book?

Oh, my God, yeah, I do!

Luckily, I managed to turn it into a cat before anyone noticed.

I told the father of the bride that it was a Chinese good luck symbol!

Never give me rum again.

Good times. All right, I'm going to go get in the shower.

What? Well, that.

Mate. What?

Are you sure you didn't...

Oh, come on. I know it's been a while, but I'm not a lesbian.

OK, but she is. 100%.

How can you tell someone's sexuality by a two-second encounter?

Meg, I have an excellent gaydar and yours is famously appalling.

No. Is she? She doesn't look like one.

What do you want her to do, come swaggering in

in dungarees and Doc Martens, riding a motorbike?

She's gay.

Gay. Gay.

Oh, shit. Really? Ha!

Oh, so what, there's a lesbian in the house.

So I've made a new friend and she just happens to be a homosexual.

Big deal. I'm not going to be homophobic about it.

So, just to clarify, you're totally cool about this?

Of course I am.

So you're still going to invite her tonight, then? As your date?

Of course I am.

You're on the boob, you twat.

No, I met HER at the wedding last night and she stayed over.

Yeah, the girl I was doing karaoke with.

This is exactly why I'm ringing, cos I'm trying to avoid any homophobi...

I am bringing a lesbian girl to my brother's 21st as my plus one,

is what I'm saying, Mum.

Just a heads up.

I hope you don't have a problem with that, because I don't.

Yeah, bye.

That was Meg on the phone.

Yeah, is everything OK?

I think she just came out.

Oh, that's 50 quid you owe me, then.

If you're going to eat her face for breakfast,

would you mind getting it to take away?

Hey, Laura, don't be like that. Come and join in.

Let's just be ourselves.

Cilli! What?

Laura knows we share a rude disregard for the social conventions

of dating. Monogamy being, as it is, a capitalist construct in direct

conflict with the innate condition of the oneness of the universe.

You mean you both want to fuck other people?

I can't help it if I'm addicted to puss-puss.

Yeah, well I can smell your cock rot from here, mate.

It's put me off my breakfast.

Give it a wash.

Come on, trouble, back to bed.

Yes, Mummy.

No-one needs this, do they?

Oh, God. Right, that's it. We're out of here.

Do you know he's got a booty call book called his chicktionary.

How romantic! I hate him. Me too.

Shall we tell Bunny? No.

At least she's getting some good sex.

I can't even bring myself to look at Gary at the moment.

Oh, no, is it all off again? Practically.

I mean, I can manage doggy, cos I don't have to look at him

but he knows that means I'm pissed off.

Yeah. That's kind of a mixed message, Laura.

This has been going on quite a while.

Do you not think maybe you'd be better off with someone else?

Yeah, Gary wouldn't have it, though.

No, I meant, break up with him.

Maybe, but your brother's invited him tonight

so I guess that means we'll be playing happy families.

Right. Well, I think we should go and rescue Ellie

before that hound ropes her into some kind of sex game.

I don't think he's her type.

I can't believe he's anybody's type.

Come on.

Hi!

You look nice.

Excuse me, where are you going?

Er, the restaurant. Sorry, but you can't go in there.

Oh right, I get it. You have a problem with her, do you?

Meg, don't.

No, I'm sorry. This really gets on my tits.

It's the 21st century, mate. Meg.

What people get up to in the privacy of their own bedrooms, or any other

rooms - probably not public spaces, that's a grey area, but...

You've lost me. I thought she was a, you know, delivery woman.

Is that a euphemism?

For what?

Nothing.

we just want to go up to the party, please.

That's absolutely fine.

So, Gary, you know Laura... Hey. ..Bunny... Hey.

..Cillian, absolutely riddled, and that's my brother, James.

Which one are you, John or Edward?

Happy birthday, mate. Thanks.

And my mum and dad.

Really nice to meet you.

Babe, there's nothing on here I can eat. It's like carbs.com

And that's Sara. Is someone sitting here?

Here? Oh, this chair's for my bag. Sorry.

It was a present from James, and, no, it's not fake.

Oh, good, because nobody likes a fake.

Where's Mark?

We're not together any more.

This is Ellie. We met last night at a wedding.

She ended up staying over.

Did anyone see the Bake Off? I really love that programme,

especially Sue Perkins, I really like her.

Everything about her is absolutely fine with me.

Exactly, Mum.

I've never seen it.

Oh, my God, that's City! That's Bradford City, get in!

No way! It is! Oh, my God, amazeballs!

Oh, Gary, sit down, you knob. All right, lads!

Gary! City!

You prize arsehole.

Claret and Amber! Wa-hey!

Sit the fuck down, Gary!

Look what you've done.

Happy? Sorry. Yeah.

Do you know, I remember when people actually used to say grace.

Well, bottoms up, everybody!

Many happy returns of the day, James, you despicable young whippersnapper.

Yeah. Up yours!

Up yours!

21 years ago today, I was in absolute agony!

Mum, we're trying to eat.

We were just over the moon it was a boy.

We were struggling to conceive, weren't we?

For a while there, we seriously considered adoption,

which is a perfectly legitimate option for lots of people.

Shall I order some more wine?

'Scuse me. Can we have some more wine?

And send a bottle of whatever City are having to their table.

I can't believe City are over there.

Gary, get over it, you bell-end.

I'm just off for a slash.

Gary, you don't say that.

Sorry, will you all excuse me while I urinate?

Is he waving at us?

Yeah, I think so.

He's coming over.

Hiya. How's you, gorgeous?

What me? Fine. You look nice.

Thanks, it was just in the sale.

New hair?

Yeah! Well, new to me. But it's real human hair, like.

Listen, I didn't get a chance to say "Hi", but I saw you

when we were out last week.

I've got to say, I love the way you dance.

Thanks. I love the way you kick.

All the lads were saying you were the fittest one in there.

Well, you'd better go, my boyfriend's coming over.

Boyfriend? Oh, that's a shame.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The toilets are mint!

No-one wants to hear it, Gary.

Excuse me. Sorry, but I think there's been a bit of a mistake

with the wine here.

We didn't order a ?300 bottle of Cristal champagne.

I'm just off for a ciggie.

No. Your friend ordered it for the gentlemen at the next table.

Gary, you fucktard!

Hey... We're off to the Hurly Burly, will we see you in there?

Hurly Burly? The burlesque place?

Yeah. So will our favourite dancer be working tonight?

I don't know, who's your favourite?

You.

Oh, God, I think you might've...

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be dancing later.

See you in there.

Look, love, it's none of our business,

we don't mind what you do, we'll support you.

We just think you're very brave.

It's only handing out flyers.

To be honest, we always had a hunch, didn't we? Yeah.

It's really nice meeting you, Ellie.

Yeah, you, too!

Oh... Oh. no.

Bunny, a quick word?

Mum just said she supported me.

OK, and that's a bad thing?

She thinks I'm brave.

She thinks I just came out!

Well, I can't believe that comes as any surprise, Meg.

The whole table thinks you're a lesbian, particularly Ellie.

No, I was just being her mate, so I don't look homophobic!

I'm not a fucking lezza!

Right, where are we off, then?

I've had a brilliant idea. How about we go to Hurly Burly's?

Isn't that a strip club?

No, Meg, it's a burlesque bar.

Yes! OK, stripping in old clothes, then.

It always takes ages for their tits to come out, though.

Well, don't come, then, Gary.

It's James's birthday, so he'll decide.

In, Obviously.

In.

In... and out, hopefully.

I love burlesque, it's so empowering.

That's one word for it.

No, sorry, I'm not comfortable with going to a burlesque bar with her.

This is all wrong!

Brilliant. Meg's on an accidental lesbi-date. Ha-ha!

Oh, thank you, very supportive!

Do you want these on t'same hanger?

No! Thank you.

So what's the difference between burlesque and stripping?

Two stone, usually.

It's more theatrical and flamboyant, and it's all about the tease.

Right.

I just love how the women are totally in charge.

It's so empowering.

Is that empowering? Someone just threw money at her tits.

They're not supposed to do that.

God, that's Cilli!

It certainly is.

Is it just me, or does that one look like your friend Laura?

Oh, yeah, that's uncanny!

Hot.

Oi!

That was quick.

I just watched you dance. You were brilliant.

Stunning.

Thanks.

So I'll give you a private dance if you want.

I had no idea it was that type of place.

Er... Yeah!

VIPs only.

Just over here.

Bravo! You are delicious!

Call me later. I must feast on that divine, undulating temptress's body.

Whoo! Wow!

Oh, this is so...

..empowering.

Rrrr!

So... how long have you been a footballer, then?

All my life, really. I've been doing it since I was a kid.

What about you? Yeah, same.

Shall we, uh... crack on, then? Yeah.

Don't you usually put some music on?

Er... Yeah!

My brother is so getting dumped.

She's gorgeous, though, isn't she?

Right, can I just say something here, Ellie?

OK.

You seem quite nervous.

No, no, I'm not.

No...

So the thing is, right, I just want to apologise,

because... I think I've been leading you on.

I just... I don't really know how to say this,

but I need to make sure that you know that I don't fancy you.

You don't fancy me?

No.

OK. That's absolutely fine, because I don't fancy you, either.

Oh...

Shit.

Oh, God! It's...

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Sorry, I thought you were... gay.

Yeah, I am gay. I just don't fancy you.

Oh, right. Oh, what, because I'm straight?

No, it... What? You're not gay?

No, I'm just normal.

No, I'm all about the dong.

What? So you thought I was a lesbian, but you don't fancy me?

Well, no offence, but you're not really my type.

You're fun, but you can be a bit, sort of, self-righteous and uptight,

and I'm just really not into flat-chested girls.

And that thing that you do with your face...

OK, yeah, got it!

Well, we could... just be friends.

Yeah, that was the original plan.

Hey, listen, can I tell you a secret?

Yes, mate.

I have a massive crush on your cousin Bunny.

Cool.

Still OK if I stay over?

Mmm.

Shit, soz.

I'll be back in a minute.

Right, Gary, I've got something to tell you.

You know how we've both got one celebrity we can knob?

Course! Holly Willoughby is in trouble now.

Well, I want to swap off Mark Wright.

Who are you swapping in?

I don't know his name, but he plays for Bradford City.

Rick Henderson? Yeah, that one.

Good news!

She doesn't fancy me because I am uptight and flat-chested.

Win! So we're just going to be friends.

Good-oh.

Yep, I am off the hook,

because she fancies... you.

Who, me? She fancies me?

Gosh, well... Well, that's wonderful!

I mean, well, how exciting!

Where is she?

What are you doing? Oh, don't be so uptight, Meg.

I'm going to talk to Ellie.

Er, no, she's my lesbian! I found her first!

I know it's early, but we're leaving.

I'm taking Sara home, she's had way too much to drink.

She's a bit upset.

Because you've stopped her getting off with a footballer?

She's just drunk.

And being sick into a ?600 handbag.

Bunny, what are you doing?

Er... Grinding?

Well, I'm being ground!

Meg, I thought we talked about this, I don't fancy you, sorry.

Yes, and I'm not a lesbian.

These are totally platonic slut drops.

OK, this looks bad.

I've bought you wine.

You prick!

Get off me!

You've got five seconds to get your fucking clothes on

and get out of this place before I call the police.

I'm well fitter!

Did you see my Gary? He decked that City knob, bam!

That City knob you were getting off with.

How fit did Gary look when the bouncer had him in a chokehold?

Fit in a sort of squealing, dribbling way.

What the fuck was going on in there?

Gary... shut up and tongue me, you sexy bastard.

Uh, Meg, have you seen Bunny?

Oh, she's over there,

showing her disregard for the social conventions of dating.

Hot!

I am so up for this.

Hey, Meg, what say we...

Eat shit.

He's fast, a footballer!

Laura!

Fuck! Shit!

Oh, Gary!

I love friend-night stands.

Mmm, a bit more than a friend.

Guys, I'm still completely straight.

We saw you snogging her, mate.

Friends kiss, so what? I do it all the time.

Since when? Since boarding school.

Nothing happened, it was just rubbies.

What's rubbies? Oh, actually, I don't even want to know.

It's no big deal and, like I said to her,

I'm more into the taking than the giving.

Oh, like Christmas.

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