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Soz I'm late - bus driver wouldn't let me on. Why not?

Cos I "didn't have the fare".

Petty.

I need a break, Meg, I need to win the lottery or do a kiss'n'tell

or have a bad accident and get a compensation pay-out.

Well, we can all dream, Laura.

Sorry, taxi was late.

You can't afford taxis.

It was Hugh's idea. Who?

We needed a bit more time in bed.

I'm EVER so sore.

Nice. Why are you SORE?

Well, Meg, when two people love each other very much...

OK, you don't love him.

Excuse me, yes, I love Hugh.

Aww, thanks, I love HUGH too!

You can't LOVE him, you've only just met.

When you meet him, you'll understand.

He's sexy and sweet and generous.

He's taking us all for lunch today.

Really?

Oh, hello! Green-eyed monster klaxon! I'm not jealous.

Come on, I know you haven't had a boyfriend in tres ages...

It's not a big deal, it's just a dry patch.

Fucking desert, mate. When was the last time you had some pen?

Pen? Pen.

Penny P. Penetration.

When was the last time an actual penis went in your vagina?

Bunny! Answer.

All right, ten, 12...

Days? No.

Weeks? No, Laura.

Fucking hell, ten years?!

Months. Why are you missing out months?

Oh, right, ten months.

Ten months?! Actually, I think it's more like 12.

Look, it doesn't bother me. It's the least of my worries at the moment.

You need to get back on the horse, Meg.

There are more important things for me to get back ON, actually,

like career ladders and a course of Prozac.

Priorities, Meg.

12 months.

You know, after a while it seals itself up?

It's not a piercing.

This thing is slicing me in two.

Camel-toe check.

Er... affirmative.

It's borderline pornographic, mate.

I can't believe no-one's wanted to shag you for 12 months.

It's a choice.

I don't want to be one of these sluts who just sleeps with anyone -

no offence to you guys.

I know how you feel, I'm picky too. Mmm.

If you want me to show you how to pick up lads, I will.

It's a piece of piss. Can I just say, I'm not desperate.

I might not seal the deal very often, but flirting is my forte.

Is it? Famously.

OK, guys, we need up to a thousand entries for the big draw.

And then we can all go home.

CAN we? Are you all right, Meg?

Big time. Don't worry about me, hot stuff.

That's a nickname that I have for you.

Let's just stick with Josh.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is the big draw

so we need lots of entries in to win the car.

So you're just asking people if they want to enter.

Meg was actually wondering

if you wanted to enter HER...

for the big draw?

No, that's not allowed. I can't enter Meg.

You can't enter Meg?

No, course not.

So you definitely don't want to enter Meg?

Trust me, it's not worth it.

Er, if I find any of you cheating, you'll find yourselves

working elsewhere.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

And you MUST wipe down these Biros.

You don't know what germs the general public are harbouring -

swine flu, bird flu, mad cow,

AIDS... Malcolm, you can't catch AIDS from a Biro.

Let's just keep things nice and tidy round here.

YOU'RE tidy. Sorry?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Flirting is your forte.

OK, that wasn't my best work.

Maybe he's just not into lanky weirdos.

You're aiming too high, Meg.

Come on, he's like a seven.

Exactly. You're a six - max.

You could be a seven, but you lose points for being desperate.

What?! Think of it this way, right.

Did Katie Price go through a dry patch

then just snap up Peter Andre like that?

No, she had to sift through Dane Bowers

and Ace from Gladiators first.

Right... Everyone does a dry run, Meg.

OK, well, a dry run does sound a bit more fun than a dry patch.

What, so, I need to aim low - like, what, a six?

Five?

Four? Really?

Seriously, mate, the lower, the better.

I mean, I do see the logic.

Well, no time like the present.

Oh, come on, not here.

I'm dressed like a shit Kill Bill.

Meg, this is Leeds city centre,

this place is teeming with low-hanging fruit. Get picking.

Target!

Target approaching!

Oh, my God, I know him - he used to be in my halls at uni!

Who is he?

He's called Sweaty Tom.

Oh, God, course he is.

Oh, yeah, Meg, that's perfect low-grade shit.

Easy.

Tom! Hi!

Oh, hey, Bunny!

What are YOU doing here?

I'm just visiting family in Harrogate.

We just came up the M1, but Mum accidentally came off early

so we went for a sandwich in Thirsk.

I just had ham. Oh, yeah, Meg, that's definitely a five.

I was going to have cheese. Look at that sweat.

Brilliant. And he's talking about sandwich fillings.

He's perfect!

I'm going in. Quite nice.

Hi. You shouldn't have.

Actually, my auntie just died.

Yikes.

Sorry, Tom, this is my cousin, Meg...

Pleased to meet me.

And that's Laura.

OK, so, hit me - what do you want to talk to me about? Ask me anything.

Er...

You studied law, didn't you, Tom?

Law? You did law?

How's the law?

I don't know. I did Art.

Oh, Picasso. Chop me ear off.

Van Gogh.

So, Tom, what are you doing tonight?

What am I doing tonight?

Um, well, actually my mate's DJing at a house party...

OK. Good. Meg would like to come to that.

Really?

Right. OK.

You'd LOVE that, wouldn't you?

So text Bunny the address and we'll meet you there at eight.

OK.

It's a date. Or is it?

Casual. Caj.

See you later, then.

Did you see me? Did you see me punching below my weight?

You're right, it DOES feel good!

Could I possibly interest you in a car...

Is it a man or a woman?

Man.

Um, Phillip Schofield. No.

Excuse me, sir, may I interest you in our competition today?

Get fucked, princess. Yep, will do.

Is it a politician? Yes.

I'm not playing, then.

Don't know who that is.

Laura, you've done loads, I've only got one.

Just class at my job, so...

Watch and learn.

All right, do you want to win a car?

You'll have to speak up, love. Car. Do you want it?

Yes! Please.

Fill this in, then. OK.

And don't forget your bank details.

What's she saying?

Bank details. For the prize money, I expect!

OK!

There isn't any prize money.

It's a ?6 entry charge, and make sure you sign it.

Speak up, love.

Nothing. On your way.

Come back for the draw.

Easy.

This is not cricket.

Hi, can we get a menu, please?

Er, Meg, this is Hugh. What? What?

Hi, Meg. And that's Laura.

Hi.

So, Hugh, what do YOU do?

I'm retired.

It's more a case of WHO do I do at the moment.

Let's order some food.

Oh, have whatever you like - it's on me.

I've got some coupons to use up.

I'm not hungry any more.

Have you taken your tablet? Oh, well remembered!

One before lunch!

Arthritis.

So, Meg, Bunny tells me you have a date tonight.

Who's the lucky chap?

Well, he's called Sweaty Tom, he's really dull.

He's only about a five, he's basically ideal.

Meg's on a dry run.

It's just a temporary measure.

You know, filler.

So to speak. Hugh!

Sorry.

Gosh, I have to say, I'm learning.

I had no idea girls did that.

Yeah, they do.

And sometimes they don't even realise when they're doing it.

It was like Help The Aged in there, Bunny.

You don't understand.

He's kinky as fuck, he gets all Fifty Shades in the bedroom.

Well, he's definitely very grey.

Look, I really love him, he's my boyfriend.

BOYfriend?!

Pensionerfriend. So I'm dating an older man...

OLD man. You're dating an old man.

He's not old!

He has a walking stick!

It's a staff, and you are ageist.

OK, ladies and gentlemen...

boys and girls, without further ado - draw time!

Right! And the winner is...

Zara Debenhams.

Zara Debenhams?

Do we have a Zara Debenhams?

She must've gone home.

Can I still do the photo? Oh, er...

Yeah. Yeah.

Northern Lights Magazine, this, Meg.

Take a picture of me having my picture taken

so I can use it as my profile picture.

Right, Professor Megan, that gentleman over there is a doctor.

And, yes, you can catch AIDS from a biro.

IF the biro was inserted into the anus of an AIDS victim

and then inserted into the mouth of a healthy person

who just happened to have an open wound on the mouth,

such as a cold sore.

Case closed.

Meg, you're team leader, aren't you?

Yes, and I have the extra ?8 a month to prove it.

Great, we need you to take the car to the winner's house.

You can take somebody with you. Oh, right, I see.

Shall we? I need to stay here.

Yeah, I know.

This looks like one of those villages people go to on their gap years.

'You have reached your destination.'

God, what a dump.

Laura, that's your mum's house.

What? MY mum's?

Oh, yeah! That's mad. I didn't even realise.

Laura, no. Tell me you didn't.

Surprise!

I did. I WON it! I won the car!

Oh, darling, that's wonderful! Congratulations!

Laura, no, this is fraud! We'll go to prison! Oh, my God,

I'm aiding and abetting fraud...

Oh, don't be such a sore loser, Meg. I won it.

Let's go to the party in it. Bunny, tell her.

I SAID well done! You cannot take this car.

Technically this is joyriding.

Meg! I am NOT a criminal!

Oh, look, there's Sweaty Tom!

Ah, ya mum!

Tom! Tom! TOM!

Hi!

Is this the car from the shopping centre?

No, you're dreaming, mate, get off our backs about it.

Whose party is this?

Dunno, my mate's the DJ - should be fine.

Is it fancy dress?

No.

Then why are all these people dressed as children?

Is that alcohol?

Yes. This party's out of control!

Is it?

Who even ARE you? I can't believe randoms are here.

It's OK, I'm with Tom.

Who? The sweaty guy? Yeah, I was at uni with him.

Oh, my God, that must mean you're, like, 21!

No, actually, I'm 24.

Wow, that's so creepy! You're so old! I have to tweet that.

Well,

you're a sad virgin, probably!

I'm 15. At least I don't have a massive camel toe!

My mum shrunk them when she did my washing for me!

What the hell? I'm looking for Bunny.

Hello, you!

I'm out of here.

Do you mind, you're kind of killing the vibe.

This isn't a retirement home.

What is WRONG with people?

It's so ageist.

Well, yes, but I don't think it's just that.

I used to teach some of this lot too.

What do you mean, "too"?

I was worried you hadn't realised.

Hi, Roisin. Bunny, don't you remember me?

No.

I was your teacher.

At Fordean?

At Dillard Junior.

Ohhh, primary school?

No wonder I don't remember!

Such a small world!

So, you don't think it's weird?

Um, no. Why? Is it weird?

Not to me.

You always were a naughty girl.

OK.

I think it MIGHT be weird.

I'm just going to go and check with the girls.

Back in a sec. See me at the end!

So... So...

Here I am. Yeah.

Here YOU are.

Here we both are.

Sorry, am I making you nervous?

No, I always sweat like this.

Cool.

Look, I just want to say, whatever you're thinking about us...

Not to put too fine a point on it,

but don't think that I wouldn't,

you know, just because of the whole 6-5 thing.

I'm just going to get a drink.

You've got a full one here!

Meg, I need a word.

OK. So, if you were sleeping with someone

and you thought you loved them and then you found out

that they were your old primary school teacher, what would you do?

Oh, my God. Hugh?

Mr Morris! He's from Dillard Junior!

I KNEW I recognised him. I don't remember him.

Well, you never turned up. I was going to ask if it was creepy.

Laura, what do you think?

The beacon of morality.

I feel physically sick.

It's a bit Yewtree, mate.

HUGH-tree.

So, what's the verdict?

Creepy. It's monumentally creepy.

Why do people always say this?

You sound just like the PTA!

It is not creepy to take an interest in young people, especially

if the feeling is mutual.

Hmm. I suppose it was creepy that I chose to run netball club,

like it was CREEPY that I did a gym-knicker check.

There is nothing creepy about having your favourites,

watching them ripen

then contacting them online once they're of legal age.

Yeah.

Can you leave now, Mr Morris?

In't it illegal, though? Should we report him to the police?

No, technically it's not illegal, not like, say, stealing a car.

Everyone nicks stuff from work, Meg, and besides,

it's just a driving offence. Cars. People don't nick cars from work.

This is a criminal offence, it's called grand theft auto.

No, Meg, that's a computer game in America, not real.

Honestly, the most we'll get is points on our licences.

OUR licences? No.

This is YOUR scam, I'm not prepared to be an accessory

to your crime, Laura -

or should that be Zara Debenhams?

Why are you being such a boner about it?

No offence, but this is total Scambodia.

Fine. I'll sort it out myself, then. God, call yourself mates?

Unbelievable. I know.

Where's she going? I need a lift. I need to shower, I feel dirty.

Wait, don't go. Look, Tom doesn't seem interested. At all.

In any way.

But flirting's your forte?

I must be rustier than I thought.

You can't even pull a five?

Oh, Jesus, Meg, I'm humiliated for you.

OK, look, I need tips, a quick fix.

What do I talk to him about?

He's a bloke, Meg.

PlayStation, football, lesbians.

Just be cool.

PlayStation, football...

Right, back on the horse.

Neigh!

Oh... Hi! So, what were you doing in there, then,

just being fit?

Is that all up now?

I mean, I do like watching people puke, but...

it's no... playing football.

Do you know what I mean?

You play football? Which position?

Well, I think it's more of a spectator sport, isn't it?

Oh, right, yeah. Who do you support?

Britain. When they're playing.

That last match - Rooney, you plonker!

But I prefer to unwind on, say, the PlayStation. Oh, yeah?

Big-time gamer.

I do play The Sims a lot. Do you want to see my impression of a Sim? No.

Me scurra na na! Ey wersk lanana. Oh, my wersner!

You fucking geek!

I've got to go and do... something else.

Lesbians! Where?

I was just remembering,

because I've had loads of girl-on-girl experiences.

Really? Who with?

Bunny. We do it all the time.

I'm just constantly licking her out.

Aren't you two related?

Just cousins.

Is that OK?

Shall we...

take it upstairs? Yeah.

Sorry about this. It's just...

my ex-boyfriend still lives here.

I thought you said you were a lesbian.

I am... now.

That could be why we broke up.

So, that's why I live here, in the loft.

Like Anne Frank.

A lesbian, famously.

Sorry, do you mind if we don't tell anyone about this?

Why? Have you got a girlfriend?

No, but it's just, you know, no-one must know.

Why? Well, I wouldn't want people to find out.

What? But I'M punching below MY weight.

OK, then.

Er, excuse me, I AM because I haven't had sex in 12 months

and you're just a sweaty horse.

Right. Is this a sexy role-play thing?

Get out of my loft!

OK, going.

Actually, my hands are kind of wet.

Have you got a... towel?

I'll see myself out, then.

Hi, Mark.

Hi, Meg! Hi, Mark. Have you been crying?

No! Can I help you with absolutely anything at all?

You've got something stuck to your cheek.

Do you want to come in?

No.

Tell me you took the car back.

Not exactly.

Here...

Bernard! Bernard, look!

Swiped some wine on the way out. Naughty! Bottle opener?

Mark's room, begsy not me.

I know how to open it with a lighter.

Oh, no, that's beer.

Oh, you tit! Sink! Put the plug in!

I THINK this is how the French do it.

So, tell us about the dry run, Meg.

Sweaty run.

Oh, it was very sexy. Bloody pair of animals we were.

Nothing happened, did it? No.

This is a new low. Um, hang on, she stole a car.

True. That was not a great move.

Sorry, from the girl who's been shagging her primary school teacher?

Yeah, let's take the piss out of Meg again.

I've just been rejected by a man

whose face resembles a water fountain.

I think I've had the piss taken out of me enough.

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