Original subtitles

Energy drink?

Give me another. Not slept.

Good night? Not really.

Gary cheated on me last night.

What? Are you sure?

Yep. I saw it. Who with?

Big Emma. Right. I mean, how big is she?

They? Double J, the surgeon said.

Where?

Right in front of me, in his flat.

I'd just come in from your place and there he was, just banging her against the wall.

Then Big Emma turns round and looks me in the eyes and says,

"You're a mackerel." You're a what?

Come again? Yeah.

And then my fingers turn into wooden chippy forks

and I eat her head on Bempton Cliff.

Right. Was this a dream?

Yeah. He dream cheated?

Yeah. OK, that's not a thing.

It is a thing. It's a big thing. OK, sorry,

so you think because you had a dream that he cheated on you

that he did cheat on you?

Yeah, and what's crazy about it is, he thinks he's getting away with it.

Yeah, that's not what's crazy about this. It was just a dream.

I dream about having sex with people all the time

and we know that never happens.

I just can't trust him now, not after what he's done.

Darling, it doesn't mean he's cheated on you.

Thank you! Yet.

It's a premonition. Means he's about to.

Give us another.

I'm not sleeping again till this is sorted.

Oh, yeah, BTW.

You know I'm not allowed to stay at Mum and Dad's when they're away,

after Fishtank-gate. Yeah. One job.

They've buggered off again, so can I sleep at yours?

Yeah. I'm sure Mark won't mind.

Oh, and he's working in the day, so we can have Single Saturday!

Oh, yes!

Sad bastards. Right!

Something's not working. After me, you lot.

Like this.

Energy drink, sir?

I'm a woman.

Well, that's confusing. You don't look like one. Free drink?

Er, smiles cost nothing.

Neither does oral hygiene, Malcolm, but we don't say owt.

Er, Meg, every time they get a drink, they get a flyer.

No-one wants the flyer, Malcolm. They're barely interested in the drinks.

I couldn't give a frig, Meg. Well, maybe you should.

This whole situation is a waste of life.

Well, look, I didn't want to have to say this, but the truth is, Meg,

your presentational standards have slipped.

These two are very on... on message, and... you're not even wearing any make-up.

So? Well...

Promotions is a dog-eat-dog world, Meg,

and this dog here... Are you calling me a dog?

Well, there are improvements to be made.

I mean, would it kill you to wear a padded bra, for instance?

Right, that is it. Shove it up your arse, Malcolm. All of it.

I am out of here. Do not call me with any more shifts. I quit.

Oh, hang about, Meg. It's...

Go, Meg! Meg!

What are you doing here? Mark let me in. We've just finished a delivery.

Oh, hi, Meg!

Please stop employing my ex-boyfriend. It's weird.

What, weirder than still living together?

Which is only marginally better than being homeless. Mark!

Oh, sorry.

Safe distance.

So, Meg, why did you quit?

Oh, thanks, Mark! It wasn't Mark. Listen...

"Just told my boss to shove job up his arse."

Hashtag unemployed.

You're on Twitter? Has anyone replied yet?

No, I'm replying now.

@MeganKeswick101.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

Hashtag... rent.

The job is demeaning, Dad.

Yeah, nobody likes working, Meg. Yeah, they do.

Loads of people do. Obama loves his job. He said so in an interview.

Don't you think you should set your sights slightly lower

than leader of the free world?

I am trying, Dad. I sent off, like, ten CVs last week.

Two of the places had gone into liquidation, but still.

D'you want these in the van, D... F-Frank?

Yeah, thanks, Mark.

Thank you.

What a good lad.

You know, I do want to help you.

Thanks. I just need, like, 500 quid or something.

No, not with money. With the business.

I just don't think I'm quarry material, Dad. I'm a bit too...

Inept? Creative...

was what I was going to say.

Maybe if I get desperate.

That is why I would like to apply for the position of...

quarry manager.

And obviously there's an in with Dad! Mm.

Oh, and the skills...

which I have include...

massage.

OK, we'll move on.

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Probably central London.

Notting Hill looks nice.

Hopefully living with my fit fiance or husband.

He's a musician or an architect. Town house, Aga, labradoodle.

I'm just brainstorming now. I'm literally just riffing.

Releasing my second children's poetry anthology...

Bye. Sorry again.

Unknown. Hey, it might be the quarry.

Put it on speakerphone. Hello?

'Oh, hi. Is that Megan Keswick?' Speaking.

'It's Gabby calling from Pennine Hits Radio.'

Oh, yes! I won the festival tickets?

'Er, no. We received a job application from you.'

Really? Oh, yeah, I remember.

'So, we've got a position on our breakfast show

'and judging by your CV, with all your experience,

'you should find it pretty easy.'

My experience in radio?

Yeah. Hm. OK.

Brilliant.

See you there.

I've got a job at a radio station! Yeah, you lied on your CV,

didn't you? Maybe a bit.

I know you should be honest... YOU shouldn't be, Meg.

'Still here! Hang up, Megan.' Oh, sorry! I'm very clumsy.

Yet employable.

OK, hanging up now.

Bye.

So, big news, Laura. Why are you in your pyjamas? Are you dying?

No, I take it all back. Dreams can come true.

Hi, Gaz, it's me. Just at Meg's.

Just wondering if I could ask you a quick question.

Do you think I'm fuckin' stupid?

I know you're shagging Big Emma.

Here's an idea. Why don't you cut your own dick off now

to save me coming and having to do it meself?

Call me back when you get this message. Bye.

So, what's all this, then? Well,

the reason I'm in my pyjamas is because I have to go to bed,

because I'm getting up at 5.00am, because...

She's got a job at a radio station.

Oh, thanks! I was looking forward to breaking that myself. That's amazing!

OK, time out, Mark.

Just going to go to my room and watch some women's tennis.

It's weird because...

it sounds like porn...

but it's not.

So, d'you think you'll be like one of these trendies

now that you've got a job in the media?

She already has the moustache. Bunny!

You promised me we could have Single Saturday

and now you're abandoning me, just like Mummy and Pop-Pop have.

You'll be fine. I'll be back by lunchtime.

Last time you left her on her own, she hid in the bathroom all day.

I thought the binmen were an earthquake.

You can still have Single Saturday.

I do it all the time, I love being on my own.

Everyone loves you being on your own.

It's class. No-one around to have a go at you for having a crisp sandwich,

or making prank calls, or spitting on the floor.

Or... I like to have a long soak and watch some Wallander.

Why are you still single?

Yeah, you're right, actually.

It's about time that I focused on me. I never do that.

Well, if you get bored, you can tidy up.

I'm off to bed.

Listen out for me in the morning.

109.2, P-P-P-Pennine Hits.

What time shall I meet you back here? Midday.

Yeah, but what time? Midday.

Can you be a bit more specific? Like, 12.00, 1.00, 2.00?

Midday is 12.00.

Oh, is it? I just thought it was a general middle of the day.

Good luck out there.

Er, toilets are there. Just follow your nose.

Archives. Not that there's anything worth keeping.

Meeting room. It's basically where people get fired.

Kitchen. And the studio.

Where DJs' dreams of national radio go to die, but don't tell them I said that.

You're listening to Banter At Breakfast

with me, DJ Paul Cunningham, and the LOL Squad!

Wahey!

Earlier on, our intern Gemma made the schoolgirl error

of leaving her diary in the studio when she went out to make us a brew.

Here's what happened.

'Let's see what Gemma's been up to this week.

'Swimming, dentist...

'No, boring.

'Ohhh! Saturday!

'What's she up to this afternoon? STD clinic.'

Ohhh! 'She's coming back in.

'All right, Gemma?' 'Yeah.'

'So, er, doing anything after work?'

Is she OK?

Probably not, no.

I'll introduce you to the lads. Just ignore everything they say and do.

Lads, this is Meg. She'll be joining the ground crew.

Hi!

Hiya. All right.

Er, Meg. Yes?

Just out of interest...

Are you on the pill?

Oh, funny!

Oh, don't worry about them.

You won't be working in the studio anyway.

Oh, right. Is it a bit more office-y, then?

I'm happy to make teas. I'm happy to do anything.

Careful saying that around here.

Here is your costume. Costume?

Oh, right, is it like a webcam feature?

You CV said you'd done stuff like this before? Here are your flyers.

The other intern, Liz, is waiting for you on Great George Street.

Oh, right. I see.

Everything OK?

Mm. Any questions?

Do I discuss pay with you?

No, you're an intern. You weren't expecting to get paid for this, were you?

No! This is great.

Good.

Brilliant!

There you are! How did you get in here?

I told 'em it was an emergency. Why, what's happened?

Gary still hasn't replied.

And I've upped the ante. I've been sending sexts. And still nothing.

Right, this is not an emergency Laura. You have to leave now.

Er, he never ignores sexts, it's a

foolproof way of getting his attention.

Which means I'm right, he's at it with Big Emma.

Do you think I should go round? No.

I should get dressed up dead hot and go round shouldn't I? No.

I'll just break in and catch him at it.

What a great idea. You're a genius, thanks Meg.

Oh, Hi, I'm Meg. I'm the new... intern...

Bye then! Sorry again for overreacting!

Might do that again actually.

Turds.

Double turds.

Pennine Hits.

I mean I'm not always a banana, some days the station want you to do other stuff.

One day you can be unblocking the studio toilet

but then once I carried a minifridge nine miles to a competition winner's house so it's highs and lows.

That sounds like loads of lows, Liz.

The thing you've got to realise is that we're lucky to be bananas in this day and age.

You know there are loads of people trying to get

a foot in the door in radio. I'm playing the long game.

Going to be in the LOL Squad.

When a studio position comes up,

are they going to go with someone from outside or are they going to go with Liz,

who has 12 months work experience at the station?

You've been an intern 12 months?

Yes indeedy. Don't be intimidated though, you'll get the hang of it eventually.

It's not that hard is it?

Well you might not think so

but what we're doing here is communicating the brand.

That's what makes us so valuable.

Hey! Banana prick! Can I have a milkshake?

That doesn't even make sense. Does to me.

Nearly midday.

I just don't think I can handle it anymore. Sorry.

I totally understand if you want to leave.

Or we can swap you over onto the ground crew?

Would you prefer to go back to being a banana?

Yes. Anything.

I'll swap with you. Really?

Do you mind if I just have a quick word with Megan a sec?

OK.

You do realise what you're letting yourself in for?

I know but I'd really like a shot.

I should offer it to Liz, who you were with today.

No, she loves being a banana. She told me.

We've struck gold with her.

You do know what they do to interns in there?

I can handle it. You can't shock me.

Right, come in.

Dad? It's me. You'll never guess what!

Meg! How did it go?

I just thought I'd wait out here so I could greet you properly.

You've locked yourself out haven't you?

God you're good.

So how was Single Saturday?

Bloody hell, Bunny! It looks like landfill in here!

What's that smell?

Have you had friends round?

Erm... no. Yes. No. I don't know what the right answer is.

The honest answer?

OK. Don't be cross. Some firemen came...

Fucking faster!

Yes, oh, you bitch yeah, yeah, yeah. Nearly, nearly, nearly.

Take it.

Busted! Fucking hell. Jesus, you scared me then!

I thought someone had broken in. I did.

Why? You've got a key.

To catch you cheating on me!

What? I've just been doing this!

You've not replied to my messages for 24 hours.

My phone's dead. I'm in the middle of commanding a battle, Laura.

Sorry, Elvin One commence forward attack.

Oh, thank God. Not that I was bothered.

Maybe we should shag and make up?

Just give me a couple of hours.

Well, we'll see about that.

Well, I'm going to switch to explosive arrows.

Eh? Not you. Move to epic axe. That's cool pal, your call.

Let's nail this guild.

Laura, I'm in an Instance! Lead the dogs around.

Let's just burn through this.

I'm not happy with that strategy, Bloodnox.

That's a lot of blood, guys. OK 20 mil HP.

Laura, please can you stop it? I'm in battle here! So? Do both.

We're at 30%. Shit.

Gary, what's wrong with your willy?

It's just weird. I've got ten-year-old boys shouting battle commands in my ear.

Newsflash, Gary, I'm not going to want to suck the dick of a man

who plays games with kids on the internet for much longer.

Make your choice.

I can't let the guild down, Laura!

I'm sorry, Meg, I'll make it up to you I promise.

I just got bored and wanted an afro.

I don't know how you can get bored. There's so much stuff to do

and so much information you don't know yet.

Why don't you do something creative?

You used to love making things.

Gary's text to say he's completed the level and I can come round.

Well don't go, obviously.

Are you going to go?

Yeah.

So, do you reckon you'll meet celebs and that?

I can't believe you're in the LOL Squad.

It's so undeserved.

What are they like?

We're just like one big family.

Here we go then.

We've got John from Haworth. Hello, John, are you happy with the tickets?

'I can't believe it, thanks, lads! And thanks, Intern Meg!'

You're welcome, John!

'What does she look like, lads?'

You want to know what Meg looks like do you, John? 'I do, yeah.'

Well she's tall. You're tall aren't you, Meg? Yeah.

And gangly with it.

Apart from the J-Lo booty, is that fair to say?

She's laughing. She's quite goofy, John.

Nice eyes, but it's not a small nose, is it, Meg? No.

A good nose for radio I think it's fair to say. 'Banter!'

Banter! Thanks John. Here's JLS...

That were great, Meg. Major LOLs.

You don't mind us saying what you look like do you? I wouldn't do it if I didn't think you were a six.

Six, lads? Yeah. Yeah, you're a six.

Thanks.

We've had some twos and threes as our interns before.

We did have an eight once but she didn't last long!

It's awkward the morning after, if you know what I mean.

Happy to join in after this? I think you're doing a really great job.

Oh, thank you.

Banter at Breakfast!

Welcome back. You're listening to Banter at Breakfast on 109.2. Pennine Hits.

I'm Paul Cunningham. The LOL Squad are with me in the studio.

Wahey!

Intern Meg is with us this morning.

Hi, hello, hi.

Oh my God they're talking to her. Our Meg on the radio!

Yeah, yeah, shhhh!

Thank you for all your tweets, texts and e-mails this morning,

Keep them coming in but now it's time for That's Awkward!

Oops! That's Awkward!

That's right, it's time for us

to read out your messages describing your most awkward moments.

We'll pick a winner and those United season tickets could be yours.

LOL Squad, are you ready?

Wahey!

Intern Meg, are you ready?

Yes!

Sarah TW from Bingley - "I was halfway through an argument with my boyf

"when I realized I was wrong but carried on anyway!"

Awkward!

Er, Nell from Linton - "I was gossiping, telling a story to someone

"when I realized it was actually about them!"

Awkward!

Johnno84 on Twitter - "I text my girlfriend saying

"she was sexy then I realized I'd sent it to my Mum!"

Awkward!

Meg? Erm...

Quickly what you got? Give us one. So to speak...

Awkward!

Erm...

Er... I was once at my parents' house

and I walked in on my dad licking out my mum.

That must have been at my 50th.

On behalf of Pennine Hits Radio I would like to apologise to

all our listeners for the irresponsible

and inappropriate content of the programme just now.

Just to reassure listeners that the person responsible,

Megan Keswick, will no longer be working for the station.

Do you want me in the room where you fire people? Just go.

Right. Biscuit anyone?

Hi, Meg! How was it?

A shitstorm... Wow, you cleaned!

Told you I'd make it up to you. But that's not all.

I took your advice and decided to do something creative with my day.

So... as a kind of a sorry and a thank you...

You're welcome!

That is, er, really quite nice Laura. Oh wow, thank you.

Dreams aren't real. Dreams aren't real.

Ah that's better, thank you.

I appreciate you wearing make up

and I hope you understand that it is all part of the job.

Yes.

Welcome back.

I accept that you drew the line at a padded bra and that is your prerogative.

I'm wearing a padded bra.

All right

Good night was it?

What a princess.

I don't want to talk about it.

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