Original subtitles

Oh, this is brilliant.

Very, um... Multi-layered.

This scene is pivotal.

It's the first behavioral displacement he's exhibited.

Well, yeah.

We're actually watching the character

undergo a complete... Metamorphosis.

Miller!

Here it comes, Mr. Baxter. All right.

Vinnie.

Oh, hiya, doog. Come on in.

Your mom didn't say you had company.

These are friends from film school...

Derek, Lila Chelsea, winn, and Aaron.

This is doogie howser.

Aah!

Miller!

Mr. Baxter, please don't hit me!

I didn't do nothing, sir!

I was just out, and I...

Is this just a... A study break?

This is what we're studying.

It's Jerry Lewis.

Doog, the man's a genius.

In France, they gave him the highest artistic honor.

How smart can snail-eating frenchmen be?

He doesn't know. He's only a doctor.

To quote mark twain...

"it's better to keep your mouth shut and be assumed a fool

than open it and remove all doubt."

There's doubt that was twain.

A professor from Berkeley...

Can you keep it down?

Don't worry. We're just leaving.

We are?

Laker tickets.

Those are for tonight?

Vinnie, they're playing the bulls.

I didn't know you were into basketball, Vinnie.

Uh, I hate basketball.

They pay those guys millions to play a game,

and people are starving on the streets.

No justice.

Come on. Let's go.

Well, I don't know, doog.

Vinnie, you love basketball.

When I was younger.

Last Friday?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Doog... This is the creme de la creme

of uni arts film school.

O.K.? Now, for some bizarre reason, they like me.

But it's a very delicate relationship.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mess it up.

Vinnie, the dressing room sequence.

Oh. Oh, o.K. Um...

Where's that remote? I want to watch this frame-by-frame.

Oh!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, yeah. You want to savor man's inhumanity

to 10 screaming women in their underwear.

Next-door neighbor.

Ah, after a long night of searching,

you find the child huddled unconscious under a rock.

He's been lost 16 hours.

The temperature's well below zero. Go.

First I check for vital signs,

then wrap him in anything warm.

I hold the child close to me to keep him warm

while talking to him to keep him alert.

Oh, yeah. I radio for help.

Always radio for help first. Always.

Give me choking. I'm better at choking.

Taking a break, Mr. Alexander?

No, sir.

I was helping ray.

You know he's training

to be an emergency medical technician.

Commendable. What I didn't know

is that I'm paying you to tutor him.

Strictly an off-duty pursuit, wouldn't you say?

Yes, sir.

Time is money, doctor.

What's his problem?

Once a year, the board of directors

reviews the hospital's budget.

They hold Dr. canfield personally responsible for every penny spent.

On Friday, they roast him over the coals.

Alert the burn unit.

Cool off infected area with water.

No butter or greasy ointments.

Good morning, Philly.

If you do it, I'll take your night shift.

No way. I have a family.

I can't face him alone.

Buck up, babe.

I got it!

The patient's a 12-year-old boy

named Jimmy Pellegrino,

diagnosed with glomerulonephritis at 3.

One failed renal transplant.

At 6, he had a series of small strokes,

probably due to uncontrolled hypertension.

Subject to recurring bouts of epilepsy and pneumonia.

Very hostile to the hospital environment.

Fortunately, kids instinctively seem to trust me,

so I've been assigned to the case. Shall we?

All right, who did that?

Kathy. Honey. Please stay in bed.

Come on!

Wait for me!

What happened?

Hi, Jimmy. I'm your new doctor. Dr. howser.

Hello, Dr. howser.

You can call me doogie.

Doogie.

Why are you having trouble with the other kids?

I can't help it. I'm sick to my stomach.

When did this start?

I think when I saw you... Doogie.

His mother died when Jimmy was 4.

Father disappeared soon after.

Ward of the court since 1986.

One failed adoption.

So when he's not stuck in some hospital,

he's hanging around a foster home.

And you wonder why he's difficult.

He's had it rough, but no one wants to work with him...

Even curly, the paragon of Patience.

Children tell you they're hurting by acting like jerks.

I haven't lost my temper with him once.

I've gone out of my way to accommodate him.

According to my records,

Jimmy says you're a phony

and you wear bad ties.

You didn't really log that.

Doogie, it's my job to record patients' complaints.

All right, record this one...

Jimmy also said a certain patient advocate related to me

is a bossy goody two-shoes

who doesn't know when to back off.

I am not bossy.

Stop laughing, David.

Now!

Doog. Got news for you.

Your computer's not user friendly.

It took 10 minutes to get into a program.

Tell me something... was the day your parakeet died

really the blackest day in living memory?

How do I put this nicely?

Get away from my computer,

or I'll break your Italian nose.

Calm down. I wasn't just snooping.

I need help on this paper I'm writing for school.

My chosen subject is film comedy in America.

What is all this mess?

That's my notes.

I got so much to say, doog. My problem...

Is trying to mold it into a cohesive form.

Now, you're the cohesive type.

What would be your approach?

Why not have Derek or Aaron help you out?

Are you kidding? They're my main competition.

Film school ain't a collaborative business.

We're graded on individual effort. So come on.

Give me an opening paragraph.

Something with some zing.

All right. You want something profound, right?

Of course. Just look like I wrote it.

O.K. Comedy appeals to the better angels of our nature.

Whoa, I'm breathless.

It transports us on a winged chariot

from the valley of "mundanity"

to the elysian fields...

Yeah! Yeah! We'll correct the spelling later.

Where we can revel in the subtleties of moe, Larry, and curly.

Really?

You think curly's subtle?

I'm being facetious, Vinnie.

About the stooges?

About your paper. About film class.

About this whole ridiculous pursuit.

I'm starting to get a little annoyed here, howser.

I've had to listen to you talk about bones and mucus

since I was 8.

Now I've finally caught up to you intellectually,

and you can't handle it.

You've what?

You heard me.

Oh, don't be absurd.

You and your friends sit around

pretentiously analyzing some Jerry Lewis farce

and act like you're solving the world's problems.

At least we're helping people forget their problems.

What would happen if all film comedies

were blasted off the face of the earth?

Maybe you and your buddies would have to take a real class.

Oh, let me guess. Like maybe, um...

Anatomy or something?

Movies are just entertainment.

That makes them not important?

It's not like you're curing cancer or something.

Oh, i... i get it...

Mr. big deal doctor.

O.K.

What you do is important...

But what I do isn't.

Right? O.K.

You know, for a genius,

you got a really small mind.

Check pulse...

Check the breathing.

No respiration. We lost him.

Hey, laugh all you want. I'll pass that exam.

I got a cram tape.

Oh, Dr. howser.

Uh-oh.

Did you authorize moving Jimmy Pellegrino to a private room?

He was disruptive to the other children.

Are you aware what a private room costs?

Let me help you. $610 a night,

of which the crippled children's services picks up $128.

Over a year, that's a deficit of over $100,000

we won't have him here a year.

I know the boy's troubled, and I sympathize.

But spending $100,000 on a child's behavioral problems

is a very expensive band-aid.

Let's solve those problems. That's really our job.

Ranitidine? You've got an ulcer?

Not yet.

From one doctor to another,

maybe if you'd relax a little...

If you want to relax me,

stop throwing money at Jimmy Pellegrino

and try to reach him.

I've tried to.

Try harder.

Hey, Jimmy, how are you doing today?

Hey, do you like magic?

Later this afternoon, I'm going to be putting on a show

for the other kids.

I could pull some strings,

get you a front row seat.

Can I help you?

Um, cleanup in room 506.

Uh, if you promise not to tell anyone else,

I can probably give you a command performance right now.

How about it?

O.K.

Deck of cards.

Cut the deck.

Now pick one.

Which one?

Any one. Just choose.

I don't care.

Just pick one, Jimmy.

Why?

Because it'll be fun.

Whoopee.

Look, just take one, o.K.?

Now, I'm...

The 5 of clubs.

What?

Check pulse.

Elevate victim's torso.

Jimmy, time for...

All right. The old butt-bump gag.

That's great.

Hey!

This is kidnapping. You know I have kidney problems.

I might drop him.

I should have known it was you.

Don't worry, Jimmy. This won't hurt a bit.

Unless you try to escape.

Why am I dancing and singing?

Because I'm in love

Ha ha ha ha.

Play!

Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

When I was your age,

I had a three stooges cereal bowl.

Gosh, you must have come from money.

After you.

Moe, don't start that. Go on, get it.

Be careful.

All right.

Watch yourself.

Here, here. I'll help you.

I'm sorry.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, what idiots, huh? They're wonderful.

Dr. canfield. Paging Dr. canfield.

You're wanted in the board room.

From one group of stooges to another.

Bye, Jimmy.

Man, this is great.

These guys are...

Who do you think is the best stooge?

Moe. Definitely moe.

Moe? No way. Larry.

Larry?

Absolutely.

Forget it.

Larry couldn't shine moe's shoes.

O.K., moe.

Three grown men and not one cool haircut between them.

Dr. howser,

am I ever going to get out of here?

Sure.

Then I'm going to get better, reallybetter?

I wish I could say

you were just going to run out of here

and never come back,

but you're always going to have health problems.

I won't lie to you.

Look, we're learning new things every day.

In 10 years, what we can do for you now

will look like the stone age.

Am I at least going to grow?

A little, but you'll always be small.

My best friend's small.

He's one of the coolest guys I know.

You've got lots going for you.

You're funny. You're smart.

Oh. Right. Let's be grateful for what we got.

O.K., o.K. I got your point.

Yeah, Jimmy, you got a lousy deal,

but I'll tell you something.

When I'm not ticked off at you,

I admire you.

You show a lot of guts

just getting through the day.

The essence of comedy is fear.

It's deep. I love it.

O.K...

O.K., it's deep, but what does it mean?

We laugh

because in our hearts, we are deeply afraid,

deeply afraid of...

The human abyss.

Vinnie! Doogie's here!

I'm not home!

The human abyss?

Oof.

A light rain was falling

on the morning zeppo Marx was born.

No. No.

Ominous thunderclouds filled the sky

on the morning... no.

"Push, Mrs. Marx!" Shouted the doctor,

as the hurricane swept...

Aah!

Vinnie, I know you're in there.

I thought I told you I'm not home!

Yeah.

So, what, you decided you'd come by

and tear my chosen profession to shreds again?

Look, the other day I came in here,

and you were with all your friends,

and they were so pretentious,

and they were smoking,

and you were acting like such a jerk.

You're saying you're sorry?

Yeah, it's your room,

but I felt like I was crashing a party.

We was hanging out,

like you and I always do.

That's us. This is other people.

So, for the first time,

you've got something that matters to you

that I don't know about...

Friends, a whole new life.

I was a little jealous.

Dr. howser, I'll always love you.

Shut up.

Don't you know...

You're my best friend in the world?

Have a little faith.

I stuck by you while you were at Princeton.

You think it was easy being stuck here

while you were catching toads with other men?

If you can get through medical school,

I can get through Jerry Lewis.

I was wrong about that.

Comedy is important.

It breaks down barriers between people.

It opens them up to each other,

even gets them to talk about things they're afraid of.

Whoa, wait a minute!

That's my paper.

You're talking in my voice.

Talk a little slower.

Comedy is import... portant.

No, wait a minute!

A light rain was falling

when I discovered comedy is important.

I'm brilliant.

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