Original subtitles

O.K., say "cheese."

Cheese! Cheese!

O.K., everybody,

I want to make a toast to curly.

Each week for the last year

I've watched you buy into the lotto pool

and lose, but this week

when you wanted to buy something real,

I took your spot,

and now me and nine other irresponsible spendthrifts

are going to split $108,000.

How can I ever repay you?

In something other than cash, of course.

Classy speech.

I bought a pack of gum,

a $10,000 pack of pure chewing pleasure.

I'm chomping on a $2,000 stick of big red?

You know, my mouth does feel incredibly fresh.

So, Cecilia, what are you going to do

with all that cold, hard cash?

I was thinking of finding myself

a sweet brown-eyed Italian boy

and showering him with clothes, jewelry,

and exotic colognes.

Yeah?

Nah.

I'm going to spend it all on myself.

Isn't she great? I really like her.

She's smart. She's funny.

She's a crack medical librarian.

She graduated top of her class.

Yet, she's not snotty.

She's got it all.

Too bad she's such a beast.

Vinnie.

What? Her kleenex bills must be in double-digits.

You're such a jerk.

Cecilia looks... Fine.

Oh, there's a rave review.

Are you talking about a girl or aluminum siding?

Howser, the only difference between us is

I say it, you think it.

The difference is you're a pig and I'm not.

You still need a date for that sting concert?

Yeah.

If Cecilia's so great,

why don't you ask her to the concert?

I'd ask her. Of course.

It's just there's not that special spark between us.

No, there's just that huge honker.

That's not it. That's not it at all.

There's no chemistry. No frisson.

Please. You're a bigger pig than I am.

How do you get that?

Because you won't admit you're a pig.

Not even to yourself.

Abada-abada-abada. That's all, howser.

Yeah, it's my job to patrol the hallways.

So, how did you get this job?

Go on, tell 'em, ray.

That's what we're here for.

Well...

I kind of held up a convenience store.

- You did? - Yeah, it was hot.

The night they caught me

there must have been a hundred cops outside,

moving in slow, like some big, huge dragnet.

Dial it back, ray.

Then I got arrested, sent to juvie,

broke my mother's heart.

That was real glamorous.

After I got out,

one of the guys I held hostage

helped me get a job here. The end.

I should have listened to Bert.

Gang's are a dead-end.

Doogie!

Everyone, say hi to Dr. howser.

He helped me get this job.

This is Bert Dexter

from the eastside youth center.

It's an honor to meet you.

Raymond's told me about your 15-year commitment

to the community.

If I can help you...

Andre, come over here.

Actually, I'm off-duty right now.

Look at this child.

Where'd you get that?

Rat bite.

Dial it back, Bert.

O.K., he kind of fell off his bicycle.

These youngsters have

so much against them to start

that they've got to look their best.

I'll consult the chief of plastic surgery tomorrow.

What about right now? The boy is here.

I just finished a long shift.

You understand that we're completely broke.

We got no funds whatsoever,

but I'm sure you can get some funds.

You strike me as being

a very resourceful young man, Dr. howser.

Thank you.

Andre, you go with Dr. howser.

We'll be waiting right here

when you get back. That's right.

Bye-bye.

That's it. Go with the nice doctor.

Man with the golden tongue.

Rat bite.

I fell off my bike.

Okay.

These kids have so much against them to start.

They have to look their best.

Of course you know they have no money,

but you're an incredibly resourceful guy.

We'll work it into the teaching budget.

It's clean. I like that.

Would you like to see what you'll look like

when we fix your scar?

O.K., great.

This is called video imaging.

The computer will show us how you'll look.

Who's that?

Another patient of mine.

Uh, what's she having done?

Rhinoplasty.

Wow.

Well put.

The entire transformation from surgery to "wow"

will only take three weeks.

Three weeks?

Yup. This is one young woman

who's going to ring in the new year in style.

Andre, let's go over here,

put you in front of the camera.

New year's Eve? Sure.

I'd love to go out with you, doogie.

That's great.

I love new year's Eve...

Getting dressed up, dancing,

singing auld lang syne.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Uh, whatever.

I've got to go.

I'm trying to coax a computer phobic doctor

into the 20th century.

I'm really glad you asked me.

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Bert! Bert!

Stand back. Give him some room.

I'll call for the red gurney.

Get me a blood pressure cuff.

He just lost it.

And an O2 tank and an airway. Stat!

Ray, what's wrong with Bert?

Ray, get the kids out.

Now!

All right.

O.K., o.K.

O.K. It's all right.

Dr. howser to the E.R. Dr. howser to the E.R.

Hey, doog.

How's Bert? What's wrong with him?

I've stabilized him in the E.R.

How are the kids?

Pretty shaken up. I drove them to the center.

I need to know what's going on.

So far we know what he doesn't have.

His cbc and blood chemistries were negative.

Kidney and liver functions normal.

His blood sugar's normal.

Has he had this kind of episode before?

I don't know.

Well, we'll know more this afternoon.

You've got to help him.

Take it easy, ray. We're working on it.

Hey, ray, doc.

Thank you.

What's going on?

He refuses to sign his admission papers.

I don't think I need any more attention.

You were practically unconscious 45 minutes ago.

You had a seizure.

Something's wrong. You need tests.

I appreciate your concern, Dr. Howser,

but I feel fine. Goodbye.

Ray, I'll talk to you later.

We can't keep him against his will.

What the hell is wrong with him?

- Hi. - Uh-oh.

Beware of doctors bearing takeout.

- Sorry. I know it's late, but... - What is it?

Pad thai noodles and a fascinating research problem.

A number four.

I'm stumped. There's a seizure,

but the patient acts totally unconcerned

and denies any history of head trauma, headaches,

or fainting spells.

Either he's lying to me

or I have no idea what's going on.

Well, what tests did you run?

Here.

Um, cbc, blood chemistries were normal.

EKG, eeg, normal.

He was scheduled for an mri, but he walked.

That's all you have?

There's one other thing. When I listened to his head...

Wait. You listened to his head?

Yeah. Blood makes sound

when it flows through the vessels,

so some neurologists listen to the head.

So what did you hear?

It... like a chirping.

It sounded like a bird chirping.

His head was chirping, and he didn't know it?

I don't know.

It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Lots of sounds are in the head.

I just thought since he had a seizure that...

I need to hear the sound.

Excuse me?

The sound.

Make it.

Come on, if you expect me to research this

as accurately as possible, i...

O.K., o.K.

Um, it was...

Um...

You really don't need to hear this, do you?

No.

Sea gulls.

What?

There's this rare condition...

Only six reported cases...

Of a vascular malformation in the brain

that's characterized by a noise in the head

that sounds like a sea gull chirping.

That's exactly what it sounded like... a sea gull.

You're amazing.

So I've been told.

What?

Nothing. I'm just looking at you.

Uh, so what's the follow-up?

It's not very encouraging.

It's like a time bomb.

The seizures increase in number and severity.

Then death can come suddenly from intracranial bleeding.

Of the six cases, all but one hasn't died.

What about the sixth?

It wasn't adequately followed-up.

He was a prisoner.

What?

He was an inmate in a prison hospital,

but then he escaped.

When?

Mmm, about 15 years ago, April 1976.

He was a black male, 26 at the time.

Oh, listen to this.

Because of the gull-like sound in his head,

his fellow inmates referred to him as "birdman"

after the famous birdman of Alcatraz.

Weird, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks.

When I woke up this morning,

I knew I didn't want to die a liar.

That's why I told you guys

about my time in prison

and how I busted out.

If you're mad or disappointed in me,

that's o.K.

Just as long as you pay attention

to what happened to me,

how I screwed up

the first part of my life,

and now I got to pay for it.

I guess I always knew

the truth would surface,

but I didn't know till this morning

that I'd be the one

telling you guys about it.

Are you sure you're going to die?

Yeah, Andre.

I'm pretty sure,

but I want you guys to realize something.

I'm very grateful for the time I've been given

to get to know you guys,

and I love you guys.

Come here and give me a hug.

We love you, too, Bert.

Yeah. O.K.

And what about you, ray?

You forgive me, man?

You need surgery.

It's very risky, but it's your only shot.

Let's go.

You didn't have to tell those kids.

I thought about it a lot,

and I would have kept your secret.

Why?

15 years, giving to those kids.

That makes up for stealing some cars

when you were a kid.

Nah.

See, being trapped in a lie

is just a different kind of prison.

I needed to let a little light in,

and you know what?

This feels good.

What's up?

Um, I was consulting with Dr. Michaels

the other day,

and, uh...

I... I happened to see...

Um, I mean,

I know about...

The nose job.

Right.

That's why after a year,

you suddenly asked me out.

That doesn't make a difference to me anymore.

It doesn't?

Good, because this morning I called Dr. Michaels.

I canceled the surgery.

What?

I thought I finally met someone

who sees all of me,

who's not hung up on just one part.

I thought, "what am I changing myself for?"

But you never really liked me.

You liked what you thought I would be.

You looked right at me,

but you never even saw me, did you?

Man, you are a pig,

an even bigger pig than me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I thought I was in that trough alone.

It's an honor to have someone of your caliber

to share my slop with.

Suuuu-eee!

I'm a pig. Let's move on.

You actually told her the truth?

We're just going to have to work around that.

How can I get her to date me?

O.K. Here's what you're going to do.

Anything.

Can you be more specific?

Just say anything,

do anything.

Just get her attention and keep it.

Be creative. Have fun with it.

Dr. canfield, don't lean on the computer.

I didn't touch anything.

It doesn't like me.

Give it a chance.

I need to talk.

I'm busy.

You leaned on it.

My tie...

Just for one minute.

I don't have a minute.

I have a patient with severe Addison's,

but if you don't have the time.

Of course we have the time.

I'll be right back. Scroll.

This better be good.

Go out with me on new year's Eve.

That's not good enough.

It's truly unfortunate when a researcher

is inaccessible to physicians

on an emergency basis.

This isn't an emergency.

It is.

I really blew it with you.

I don't care what your nose looks like.

I want you to go to the concert with me.

I acted like a pig. I admit it.

I really thought about it.

And I do see you, all of you,

and you like me, too.

So what's it going to be?

I don't have anything to wear.

That's really not my problem.

I still haven't decided

whether to have the surgery or not.

Surprise me.

You're absolutely right, miss carelli.

Learning to use the library's not only educational,

it's just plain good fun.

You have a real aptitude for scrolling.

Thank you.

Now how do you stop it?

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