Original subtitles

I enjoyed myself, too, Allison.

It was a perfect first date.

I didn't throw up till I got home.

No, it wasn't Sushi. I got the flu. Yeah.

Oh, no. You don't have to bring me soup.

Homemade clam chowder.

The white extra-creamy kind with big chunks of real clams.

I got to go.

Yes!

Um, yes, I'm glad you called, too, Allison.

O.K. Good night.

Hang up. You're not hanging up.

O.K. Then I'm going to hang up right now.

O.K. You hang up first this time.

I'll hang up first next time.

O.K. This is really it. This is definitely it.

Yes! Yes, he's at the 30!

He's at the 20!

He's at the 10!

It's a touchdown! The crowd goes wild!

Can't believe it! Can't believe it!

You know, Allison, I was just lying here feverish,

thinking of you leaning over a steaming vat of clam chowder,

and I must say... Oh, hi, Wanda.

Doogie, did you get my letter?

I sent it three weeks ago.

Uh, yeah. You sent a sketch or something.

I don't really remember.

Yeah, of Lake Shore drive.

Right. Well, uh, I'm sure it's here somewhere.

It's hard to keep up with things.

I've been so busy.

Doogie, there aren't any hard feelings between us, are there?

Good, 'cause you're not only the smartest person I know,

but the most sensitive, intuitive,

and I really need your advice about something.

Really? What are we talking about...

A new major, change of hair color?

Um... I've been dating this guy Steven.

He asked me to go away for the weekend with him.

Should I go?

Doogie?

Doogie, are you there?

Uh-huh.

What's that noise?

I don't know. Some interference on the line.

I've been seeing this guy for a while.

He wants to take me fishing in banff, Canada.

Whoa! Wait a minute.

What?

Didn't it occur to you

that this is an inappropriate question to ask me?

Inappropriate? Maybe a little unconventional.

Unconventional would be asking me

whether you should get your nose pierced.

This definitely falls under the inappropriate category.

You made a mistake. Case closed.

Why are you acting like this?

Why are you?

You're flying off to a foreign country to go fishing.

You don't like fish.

Canada isn't a foreign country, and I like fish.

Besides, fishing is very... Zen.

It's real zen when you're gutting them

and their beady eyes are staring at you.

The way you're acting, I shouldn't have called.

Next time, you'll know better.

Maybe there won't be a next time.

That's fine. I'm a busy person.

I've got a full life.

And I don't?

Au contraire. Your dance card is filled to capacity.

Some may say it's overflowing.

Doogie howser, I hate you.

I'm not too fond of you, either, right now, Wanda.

Unbelievable.

Wanda, you may have a masochistic need to continue this discussion,

but not me.

Yo, it's me.

Glenn, fade the sound.

Hi, Vinnie.

Doog, I just don't understand women.

I got tons of work.

I'm reediting this old TV show for an 8:00 class.

I haven't got time for sorority scavenger hunts...

The scene with the flowers.

Janine wants in this snotty sorority.

I'm supposed to drop everything

and help her look for an egg timer.

I call her up and say,

"Janine, babe, I'm an artist.

I got to fly free."

She hung up.

You're good, doog.

I just had a fight with Wanda.

You had a fight with somebody you broke up with?

This is truly a dysfunctional relationship.

She asked me if she should go away with some guy.

What?

Why would she do that?

Because women are cruel.

They got that cruel gene.

It was a slow night so she figures,

"I'll call doogie and plunge a knife through his heart."

"It will pass the time."

You want to understand the fiendish female mind,

go to the source... Janine.

Think it will help?

She wrote the book.

While you got her on the phone,

explain about men and careers.

You hassled through all this with Wanda...

How men have their jobs and their women,

and how, if women behave, they get men.

Make it sound politically correct,

like it's to her benefit to obey without question.

All set, vin.

Roll!

I got to go, doog. Talk to you later.

Hello?

Hi, Janine, it's doogie.

Did Vinnie make you call? That worm.

He knows rush week is important to me.

So what's with Wanda?

She told you about Steven.

She asked if she should go to banff with him.

Oh, banff.

How romantic...

Snow, hot chocolate,

cuddling together in front of a roaring fire.

Shut up, Janine.

Oh, sorry.

You don't find it odd that my ex-girlfriend

calls asking my advice on her love life?

This kind of behavior is smack in the middle of the bell curve for you.

You know, for a genius, you're not very smart.

What's that supposed to mean?

When you guys broke up, Wanda felt terrible.

She really hated hurting you.

When she got to Chicago,

she called me

and cried on the phone for hours.

She did?

Look, doogie, you're intelligent,

sensitive, understanding.

I mean, with Vinnie, it's different.

Once I'm done with him, it's over.

But you can handle this.

Handle what?

She's trying to be your friend, doogie.

Thanks, Janine.

Thank you.

For what?

For asking my advice.

According to Vinnie, I'm just a frivolous, superficial female.

I'm sure the little reptile's told you that.

Thanks, Janine. I got to go. Bye.

Hello?

Hi, is Wanda there?

Wanda, it's for you.

I think it's Steven.

Hello, Steven?

No, it's me.

What do you want?

I called to say I'm sorry I hung up on you,

but I've changed my mind.

What do you want?

You wanted some advice, I was going to give it.

O.K., let's hear it.

O.K., I need to know a few things first.

What kind of things?

Like who is this Steven? How long have you known him?

Well, he's a senior,

he was born in Memphis,

he sings off-key,

he's allergic to pine cones,

he likes apple strudel,

his first dog's name was Mr. Magoo,

he has a trick knee...

What I hear you saying is,

"I'm dating a man who's a total stranger."

I don't mean to scare you,

but as a doctor and research scientist,

my advice in cases like yours is play it safe.

Cases like mine?

I don't know if you realize

when you sleep with one person,

you're not just sleeping with that one person.

You're sleeping with every person that person has slept with

and every person that person has slept with.

It's a sexual geometric progression.

Basically, we're talking 400 people... a small town in Indiana.

Do you want to sleep with a small town in Indiana?

Well, what about us?

No, that was completely different.

We had a relationship.

You knew where I'd been... nowhere.

I don't believe this.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

This is the nineties.

I strongly urge you to take a complete sexual history.

You do have the form?

Let's just forget about sex.

I just have one more question.

What?

Have you slept with anybody else?

Why do you need to know that?

It's pertinent to the topic.

Have you slept with anybody else?

Well, Vinnie and I were driving to Chicago,

you know, to surprise you on your birthday.

You were going to drive all the way to Chicago

just to see me on my birthday?

How sweet.

O.K., so anyway, the Chevy breaks down.

We have to spend the night in the desert.

And there's this girl.

I think her name was Shannon.

Shannon?

Yeah, something like that.

Her name was something like Shannon?

O.K., her name actually was Shannon.

She's there viewing this lunar eclipse from her pickup truck.

Shannon drives a pickup?

How independent and quirky.

Shannon happens to be

a very attractive and gifted astronomy grad student.

I hope you remember to take a complete sexual history,

or is doing it in the back of a pickup

considered safe sex by the surgeon general?

This is completely different.

It was the desert. It was an eclipse.

How does that make it different?

I have an urgent medical call. Hold on.

Why does that make it different?

Why?

Uh, because...

Because there were tumbleweeds.

It's different because I'm a man.

Because it's me.

Because my love is boundless.

Oh, yeah, that will work.

Wow! Wow, that was a rough one.

Guy had a magnocellular monosaturated preeclampsia.

Yeah, very rare.

But... but he's going to make it, thank god.

So what about Shannon?

You didn't answer my question.

Have you slept with anybody else?

No. I was crazy to think we could be friends,

especially since I never want to speak to you again.

Hello?

Hi, Wanda?

Hello.

Hey, doog, what gives with Wanda?

Don't ever try to be friends with a woman.

My god! Is that what she wanted?

It's a trap.

It's chemically impossible, something to do with hormones.

Must be their testosterone.

They only think about their needs.

They're totally insensitive.

They think they're so sensitive.

They're trying to confuse us,

make us drop our guard,

then they go for the kill.

And they're so aggressive.

Because they eat disgusting food.

Deep-fry a shoe, add sauce,

they'll order it.

Living on salads can't be good for moods.

They always want you to hook up their stereo.

They hook up your stereo,

they act like they're god.

I thought doogie was different.

He is. He's more arrogant.

Doogie's not arrogant.

O.K., let's say doogie's always got to be right.

That's not arrogance, Janine.

He can't help being a genius.

He never made me feel stupid or anything.

So you're saying he just makes me feel stupid?

No, Vinnie does that.

She's not the easiest person to talk to.

What's that supposed to mean?

Wanda's always been on the chilly side.

She's in Chicago now,

a city that matches her body temperature.

Wanda's a warm, loving person

who thinks about other things besides pleasing me.

I prefer women with a life.

You implying my Janine doesn't have a life?

Don't tell her. She'll go shopping for one.

Vinnie has a unique view of women.

You said he was a pig.

You better take that back!

Give me a break! Unbelievable!

What?

I just had a fight with Vinnie.

I just fought with Janine. Listen...

No, you listen.

I still want you in my life, Wanda.

Do you have to get that?

Yeah.

I said that stuff about Wanda

because I wanted you to feel better.

If you want to feel rejected, that's o.K.

I'm on the other line with Wanda.

Great. Patch me in. I want to say hi.

It will only take a second.

O.K.

Hey, Wanda, how's it hanging?

Vinnie?

Isn't this conference calling great?

You can get this big conversation going.

So how's your hair?

Nice. Fine.

Oh, I got to get that.

Please, talk. Enjoy.

So how's film school?

Can't complain.

Doog, you there? Doog?

Calm down.

I'm upset. I kept getting busy signals.

Thank god you have call waiting.

I'm talking to Wanda.

Wanda? Patch me in.

Wanda?

Janine?

Is Vinnie on this line?

I'm not talking to you, Vinnie.

Me, either.

Shut up then.

Guys, come on.

Stop fighting.

He started it.

I'm not your indentured servant.

Stop dragging me around town.

I'm proud of you.

I want everyone to meet you.

I am a filmmaker.

I have to stay indoors mulling over ideas

and letting personal hygiene fall by the wayside.

I'll become a social shut-in, which is sad.

This is the best hair year of my life.

Go out alone.

Go out alone on Saturday night?

I'll look like a dweeb.

You're alone because I can't go.

Vinnie's right.

He is?

I am?

Just accept it, vin.

Janine, be more independent.

Remember when doogie forced me to go to Chicago?

Encouraged.

He knew it was best for me.

Janine, I think what Wanda's saying

is that you and Vinnie's lives are changing

and your relationship has to change to keep up.

Right.

I guess I could go alone.

It might be fun.

I'll look mysterious.

O.K., I'll do it.

That's my girl... Woman.

Isn't this something?

We're all in different places...

Wanda's in Chicago, doogie's at home,

Janine's probably in front of the mirror...

But we can all be together with each other.

I love my phone.

Sometimes I pick it up to hear the dial tone.

It's so reassuring.

I dial, therefore I am.

I got to go scavenge.

If you talk about anything else, somebody call me.

Yeah, me, too. Toodles.

Wanda, are you still there?

I'm here.

I really want to try to be friends with you,

but I don't know how.

I thought being friends meant telling the other person everything,

but that's not it, is it?

Maybe next year I won't mind hearing about your boyfriends.

No, I don't ever want to hear about your boyfriends.

I want them all to die.

I hate the name Shannon.

Steven is a boring name.

It doesn't have the machismo of doogie.

I didn't.

What?

Sleep with Shannon.

How come?

It just didn't mean enough to me.

It's like you said...

Sex is more than just sex.

You need to feel it.

I want to be with someone I really care about,

someone who cares about me,

and I just didn't feel that way, you know?

I have to call him.

Who?

Steven.

He'll probably never want to see me again,

but I'm just not ready

to go away with him for the weekend.

You're not?

No. See, I was talking to my best friend

and he made me realize that it just didn't mean enough.

Well...

Good night, pal.

Good night, buddy.

Hang up.

No, you hang up first.

You know, we still haven't really talked.

You don't know what's going on with school.

What's going on with school?

Well, lots of things.

Remember I was going to take that art history class?

Right. The middle ages.

Right. Well...

Starting all over again

Is going to be rough

So rough

But we're gonna make it

Starting all over as friends

Is gonna be tough

Oh, yes

But we gotta face it

Come in.

How do you feel this morning?

Wonderful.

I mean, fine. Fever's down, no nausea.

Good.

Do you realize that you were on the phone all night?

Hmm. Really?

What do you kids talk about for that long?

Nothing.

Stuff.

Well, it's your nickel.

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