All language subtitles for Doogie Howser MD s02e07 Academia Nuts.eng

Ooh, what a tasteful ensemble.

Did anyone ever
tell you you have great fashion sense?

What do you want?

You don't accept
compliments gracefully.

I'm a little tense.

Canfield wants me
to meet him in his office at 9:00.

Maybe it's good news...

You made best-dressed
physician of the year.

Good news doesn't
happen at 9:00 in the morning

in canfield's office.

So this probably
isn't the best time to ask a favor.

No, it's not.

Here's the thing.

I need a biology paper.

I got to get
my grade point average up.

Nothing brilliant.
It has to be intelligent

and look like i wrote it.

That's an oxymoron.

Hey, hey.
No name calling.

I can't believe you're asking
me to write your paper.

Was I not being clear?

After that fiasco with Wanda,

didn't you learn your lesson?

Yeah, yeah,
but that was a French lesson.

This is biology.

Come on. You've been
getting as

on these papers
since you were 9.

I've seen them
in your file drawer and scrapbook.

You probably have
something in here i could use.

Open that drawer
and save a guy's life.

No. It's unfair
to your classmates.

It would do you
more harm than good.

Let me paint the picture.

A guy's in his senior year,

staring at the abyss.

His grades are plummeting,

his teachers hate him,

and he's not going
to get into film school

unless he persuades
his blood brother

to give him a paper.

Well, since you
put it that way...

No.

I hate that shirt!

Come in.

Ahh!

Dr. howser.

Punctual as ever.

Have a seat.

Something to drink?

Coffee?

Mineral water?

Jelly beans?

Dr. canfield,
you're making me very nervous.

Douglas...

Does the name portmeyer
mean anything to you?

Popcorn.

I'm sorry.
I don't have any.

No, no.
Portmeyer popcorn.

"It's the top
of the pops."

Well...

It's more than popcorn.

Portmeyer industries
is the second largest exporter

of dried goods in the country.

Mrs. portmeyer is
a regular patient,

checks in about once a year

for a complete physical,

then makes a donation
to the hospital...

Often in direction proportion

to how satisfactory
her stay was.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing.
She's in good health.

Our dilemma...

No, our challenge
is that she doesn't want to believe it.

She's a hypochondriac.

I don't like that word.

After all, if a person believes

something's wrong
with him or her,

we're duty-bound
to treat that complaint

with the utmost seriousness.

Mrs. portmeyer
doesn't feel she's getting her money's worth

unless we find something
wrong with her.

Are you asking me to lie?

I'm asking you to be creative.

I can't invent
some phantom illness

to make a patient happy.

Douglas.

Come and look out this window.

See that new children's wing?

That was paid for
by Mrs. portmeyer's unfortunate brush

with irritated
cranial meningeal syndrome.

That's a headache.

Precisely.

You think in terms
of the greater good...

The thousands
of patients we're able to care for

because of her donations,

and all we have
to do, in return,

is satisfy
the whims of one sweet elderly lady.

No, no, no!

I want the bed
away from the window.

Benjamin, how many years
have I been coming here?

22. And
you're right.

It was
a terribly oversight on my part.

Hello, buster.

Buster died.

That's peanut.

Hello, peanut.

We don't
allow animals in the hospital.

We do now.

If this is a good time,

I'd like to introduce
your physicians.

This is Dr. howser
and Dr. mcguire.

You're looking very well.

But then looks can deceive.

I don't like this.

It's unsanitary.

It's going.
First thing tomorrow.

I'm Dr. howser.
It's a pleasure

to have you here with us.

Benjamin, he's a teenager.

Yes, but he's a very
gifted teenager.

He graduated
top of his class at 14.

He was finalist for resident
of the year last year.

It's no exaggeration
to say he's a genius.

But what am I doing?

Dr. howser can speak
for himself.

Um...

Yeah.

Oh, he is impressive.

Mr. delpino,

you clearly have no affinity
for maths or science

or languages.

I'm not a renaissance man.

You were also in
the bottom 10 percentile

in the speed tests.

Well, I didn't know
they were timing us.

Well, let's concentrate
on the good points.

You're gregarious, outgoing,

and you have an excellent
sense of balance.

Have you ever considered
a career in construction?

You mean like hard hats?

Whistling at women
from tall buildings?

It's a popular occupation
for someone with your family background.

If memory serves, your father
is in the plumbing business.

My father deals exclusively
in shower heads.

Ah. Well,
let me correct my file.

He's also 100%
behind my decision to go to film school.

Film school? Let's
look at these grades.

Nowhere are you
better than average,

and your biology score's
so low, it's off the scale.

Well, I'm working on that.

My term paper's going
to bring me way up.

Mr. delpino, as your
guidance counselor,

I have to give you the facts.

You're not going to film school.

You're simply not
college material.

Whoa, whoa.

Look, I have a dream.

I may not know the body
parts of a frog,

but when I look
through a camera,

I see things other
people don't see.

Call it a vision.
Call it a passion.

My future is in the movies.

What about set construction?

Delicious smells, Mrs. h.

Is doogie home?

Nope. He'll
be working late tonight.

Ah, geez.

Can I help with anything?

I got this French pen pal
of the female persuasion

who's begging for my picture.

Who can blame her?

My folks
lost interest in me after 2 1/2.

I don't have any photos

where I'm not in training pants.

Now, that's a problem.

Maybe you have some shots
of me looking handsome.

There's probably
something in doogie's scrapbook.

Of course.
Doogie's scrapbook.

Is it still in the living room?

No. The last time
i saw it,

it was up in his room.

Vinnie, you coming?

I'm right behind you.

I love this picture
of you playing soccer.

Look how tiny you were, Vinnie.

When was this taken?

Last summer.

Well.

Oh, look.
Doogie at 7 months.

Do you know what
his first word was? Duck.

Not mama. Not dada.
Duck.

Just adorable.

What's this?

Doogie's first science report.

He wrote that when he was 9.

"Observations
on the amoeba and other protozoic life forms."

Wow.

And i was struggling

with "how I spent
my summer vacation."

Something burning?

My stew!

I should have turned it down.

I ought to get out
from under your feet.

Thanks for the memories.

Did you find something
you can use?

Absolutely.

You're stealing my report.

Uh-uh.

Liar. Dissembler. Cheat.

What's dissembler?

Vinnie, I'm disgusted.

What you're doing
is reprehensible.

I am not stealing your report.

I stole your report
this afternoon.

Now I'm putting it back.

I feel so much better.

Don't you have a conscience?

I do have a conscience,

which is why
I'm putting it back.

I panicked and
did something wrong.

I realized you were right.

Stealing somebody's
ideas is no solution.

Well, that's something.

So I did the right
and noble thing.

I quit high school.

Are you trying to kill me?

Are you trying to kill
your mother?

I can't believe
your son's so stupid!

How come, every time he
screws up, he's my son?

He didn't get it from me!

How is the situation
with Mrs. portmeyer, Douglas?

Terrible. We can't find
anything wrong with her.

I don't know what I'll tell her.

Well, I'm sure
you'll think of...

You didn't finish high school!

I'll tell you what I'm
gonna finish... you!

Something.

What do you want
from me, Vincent?

I worked my fingers
to the bone for you!

Whew.

That went pretty well.

There's fruit salad
in the fridge.

I wanted you
to be the first to hear

about my new job.

I'm working for a company

that makes television
commercials.

Officially I'll be
a production assistant,

but I'll be giving
a lot of creative input.

That's great, Vinnie.

Yes, congratulations.

Is it something I said?

No. I think it
was something you did.

What's the big deal
about high school?

I find a job
in my chosen profession,

and everyone thinks
I'd be better off

doing 101 book reports
on the old man and the sea.

Speak to me, doog.

Look, a lot of great Americans

didn't graduate
from high school.

Like who?

Like...

Henry Ford.

George gershwin.

Cher.

I can see you in a rock video

wearing a body stocking.

School is fine
for academics like you,

but it's a prison
for the creative psyche.

I got to soar.

You can't soar with a diploma?

Et tu, doogie?

Come on, sultan.
Eat, boy, eat.

Delpino!

You could build cities
with these things.

Get some more before the crew

starts eating the scenery.

Hey, kid, watch it!

You're in sultan's
eye-line.

Move. Move.

Norman, could i
just mention one thing?

I think the lighting
in this scene is a little... Opaque.

Go get my car washed.
Light wax.

Doog!

What are you doing here?

I felt bad about not
being more supportive.

This is me being supportive.

Great. Only you picked
a bad day.

Dog food commercial.

Working with animals
makes the crew tense.

Delpino!

I said something about bagels!

I'll get the bagel person.

Can you show me around?

Let me take care
of some priority stuff...

Delpino!

I'm on it!
Bagels, car wash.

Something else came up.

What?

The dog's breakfast.

You're wasting your time, doog.

Wasting your time

is cleaning up
dog barf for a living.

That's one of
Hollywood's top dogs.

What a jerk.

Why did I think
that was my big break?

They took me
for an idiot kid with no brains.

You're not an idiot.

Academics is about discipline.

It can be learned,
and I'll teach you.

We'll start with
that biology paper.

This sounds like

howser bails out
delpino, part 15.

It would be nice

if it was the other
way around for a change.

Well, actually,
there is something you can do for me.

Teach me to lie.

Tomorrow I've got
to tell this patient

she's got
something that she doesn't have

so she'll
make a donation to the hospital.

You've got a very strange job.

And I want to keep it,

which is why I'm coming to you.

You're the best liar I know.

Doog, I'm touched.

Can you teach me?

Hey, it's easy.

It's like a magic trick.

First rule...
Never stop talking.

Hold their gaze.

That's key.

Never be the first one
to look away.

Hello, Mrs. portmeyer.

I've got your test results.

What's wrong with me?

The good news is...

Skip the good news.

What's wrong with me?

Xerodermia.

What's that?

A skin condition.

Invisible to the naked eye.

Nothing to worry about.

Luckily, we have
medication for it.

I'll get on it.

Uh, try not to scratch.

I can't.

Mrs. portmeyer.

I'm lying.

I'll be honest.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Excuse me?

You're in
excellent health for a woman your age.

I'm sorry.

Well, Beatrice.

How's everything this morning?

Dr. howser has just give me
some startling news.

Well, whatever it is,
it's not very serious.

He said there's nothing wrong.

He did?

Dr. howser
is overworked.

We'll have another physician

check your test results
right away.

That won't be necessary.

I've heard enough.

Now, bea.

Let's not act in haste.

We've been together a long time.

22 years.

Yes. 22 years.

And it's about time
someone told you the truth.

You are
a very special and generous person.

No one will stop
appreciating you

just because you're not sick.

Dr. howser,
don't you have rounds?

This is the best thing

a doctor can tell his patient.

You're in good health.

Appreciate it.

Benjamin.

Do you agree?

Well...

On the one hand, yes.

On the other...

On the other, you want
that new cardiology wing.

Well, I'd say that diagnosis
was worth a lot.

My accountant will be in touch.

Thank you.

Oh, thank him.

When you mature,

you're going to be
a fine doctor.

I couldn't agree more.

I was talking to you, Benjamin.

My biology paper.

Two weeks late.

But like fine wine,

it took some time to mature.

So, I'm back.

If a student drops out unexcused

for more than a week,

we can't take him back
till next semester.

Uh, I didn't want
to get into this, but...

Mind if I sit down?

Well, the fact is,

I've been going through
a few personal problems.

It started with
the fire in the attic.

And my grandfather died
and left me his business.

I mean, what do I know
about prosthetic devices?

And what do you care about a guy

with a dead grandfather
and no roof?

O.K.

O.K.

You pushed me to this.

I quit school
'cause I thought i didn't need it.

But it wasn't fair of you
to write me off

because my talents didn't
fit into your system.

But that's high school.

I got to do the work.
Now I know it.

That is the first
honest statement

I have ever heard
come out of your lips.

Catch up in a week.

If you're not making...

I'll make it.

How can I thank you?

Just a line in your memoirs,

Mr. delpino.

He's back.
He's shooting spitballs.

He's jamming lockers.
He's eating fish sticks.

He's high school senior!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Yeah. My folks
love me again.

Thanks for your help.

No problem.

How did it go with
the popcorn queen?

I hate to let you down.

I told the truth.

Did you learn nothing from me?

The truth is always
the last resort.

But it worked for me.

She doubled her donation
to the hospital.

It worked for me, too.

I came clean with
my guidance counselor.

Life used to be so simple.

Then comes
the greenhouse effect.

Pat Riley retires.

Now this.

Ahh.

Honesty works.

My universe is crumbling.

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