Original subtitles

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Igor!

Igor!

Yes, Dr. doogenstein.

I'm ready for the brain.

No problem.

I wasn't using it anyway.

Quickly. We must install it

while the storm is at its zenith.

Yecchh. This is really scuzzy.

No one said dealing with the undead would be tidy.

Yeah, right.

Doc, do me a favor.

Scratch my hump.

Higher.

Higher!

Harder. Harder!

Oh, yeah!

There.

Now, hurry.

Uggh!

Jump in any time.

Oh.

Push, Igor.

Push!

Oh, man.

Now I got frontal lobe

stuck all under my fingernails.

It's time.

Igor, it's the moment of my creation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ha ha.

It's alive.

It's alive.

It's alive!

Alive!

Ha ha ha ha.

And then I wake up.

The same dream over and over.

So what do you think, doc?

Does this dream have any significance at all?

What do you think? What do you think?

Shrinks.

How would you describe

doogie's state of mind over the past year?

Extremely healthy.

He's a remarkably stable and well adjusted young man.

He's a happy boy.

A mother's delight.

Horny.

Yeah, Vinnie would say that.

Well?

Wait a minute.

Is my sex life really relevant

to a study of child prodigies?

Yes.

I'm charting your intellectual,

emotional, and sexual development.

Well, my sexual development is just bitchin', thank you.

Write that down.

I'm writing it.

Still... A... Virgin.

By choice. By choice.

I turned down the chance to have sex three times last year.

You don't have to write that down.

Your questions were a lot less embarrassing

when I was 8 years old.

You only have to put up with me for one more year.

So, I understand you're a third-year resident now.

Yeah. They've loaded up some new responsibilities.

Like, I'm supervising interns.

I'm in charge of people 10 years older than me,

which can be a little weird sometimes.

So you feel overworked?

All third-year residents feel overworked.

But you're only 17.

Hey, I can handle it.

I still have time to be a kid.

I make ample opportunity

for satisfactory social interactions with my peers.

I like that.

Write that down, too.

Last night, Vinnie was hanging around the room.

Come on. Measure me.

I refuse to enter college at my present stature.

The term "big man on campus"

is never going to apply to you, squirt.

Uh, 63 1/4 inches.

Yes. Not only does this make me taller,

it allows me to look up your skirt.

One more year of high school and then college.

I know where I want to go. San Diego state.

Notorious party school.

Doogie, in college, were you in a fraternity?

Since I was only 8, i joined a fraternity

where all the guys wore pajamas with feet.

All I know is my primary collegiate goal

was to divest myself of parental supervision.

Yeah. Living away from home is going to be outrageous.

Toga parties.

Beer busts.

Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party! - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. College isn't all fun and frisbees.

It's about getting an education,

preparing for your future,

intellectual stimulation, right?

Party! Party! Party!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

- Party! Party! Party! - Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

They act like such kids sometimes.

They are kids.

They don't have to wallow in it.

Any chance you're... jealous?

Of what?

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

O.K. Maybe they'll have a little mindless fun in college

that I missed out on,

but they'll also suffer all that adolescent angst:

Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want to be?

I knew what I'd be when I was 6: A doctor.

That's what I'll be now and 50 years from now.

17 years old, and everything's settled,

locked in, forever.

What could be better than that?

Let's move to the next question.

O.K.

I forgot to wish you a happy birthday.

You just turned 17.

Thanks.

I had a swim party. It's was going to be great.

Was going to be great?

It started out great.

Happy birthday, doogie.

Oh, thanks.

O.K., ladies.

Let's not waste any precious moments of sunshine.

Let's get on our swim togs.

Pool house is right over there.

I'll be right back.

Wet girls in wet bikinis.

Having a swim party was a brilliant idea.

It was yours.

I know. So how will you ever thank me?

Get out of here!

I'm so psyched.

Everything is perfect.

Nothing is going to interfere

with this youthful celebration of the flesh.

David, need more buns for the grill?

Righto, darling.

Thank you.

We got to 86 the old folks, doog.

My mom lives for my birthday parties.

In five minutes, you'll be smearing suntan oil

all over Wanda's bikinied body.

You want her to witness that?

You're right.

It's my duty to protect that sweet woman.

Let me handle it.

Dr. howser.

What am I saying? Dave.

Can I call you Dave?

No.

Sir, here's 14 bucks.

Why don't you take Mrs. h. To a flick?

I hear on golden pond is playing.

Mom, dad, this is my 17th birthday party.

I'm on the cusp of being a man.

But it's hard to feel manly

when your parents are serving ice cream and cake.

So I was wondering if maybe you would consider...

Getting lost?

Beautifully put, mom.

Bravo. Bravo.

Happy birthday, doogie.

Thanks.

No booze.

We have divested ourselves of parental supervision.

Yes! Yes!

Hey, doogie!

Whoa! Whoa!

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California

Girls

You were beeped away from your own birthday party?

Hey, I understand.

Welch got the flu, and I was next on rotation.

So...

So... You were professional about it.

Yeah, professional.

Exactly. That's it.

You were professional as a doctor.

But as a kid,

didn't you resent it?

No.

I didn't like it,

but it was important that I got to the E.R. when I did.

A kid had been in a motorcycle accident.

Aagh.

Sorry.

But you've got half of Hollywood boulevard

embedded in your keister.

I think I see Cher's star.

That's funny.

Where's Michael LEONETTI?

In there.

Great. My old man. First words out of his mouth:

"You and that damn motorcycle."

You and that damn motorcycle.

They called me at work.

I rush here, losing half a day's pay.

For all I knew, your brains got splattered.

Luckily he landed on his buttocks.

He did fall on his brains.

Give me a break.

Do you know what'll happen to my insurance?

That bike is history.

You're not mature enough to handle a motorcycle.

This isn't funny, Michael!

I-I'm having a heart attack.

Don't be so dramatic.

Aagh!

Dad?

Dad!

Is he all right?

Get the crash cart.

He's in cardiac arrest.

Get the ambu bag and O2.

Move it.

Get him on the monitor.

Give him one amp Lidocaine.

Let's draw blood gases.

Come on. Come on.

I'm getting a pulse.

We've got him going.

Keep oxygen on him.

Call ccu, get a bed ready.

He's going to be o.K. Now.

So it was really good i got beeped when I did.

What's the big deal?

I missed another birthday party.

Another birthday party?

Come on, doc. I saved a guy's life.

I can't deny that's good, but...

Doesn't it bother you even a little

that you're constantly giving up your childhood

to be a doctor?

You're just not getting it.

Right now, Philip LEONETTI is in his hospital room

eating jell-o and nagging his kid.

That's all that matters.

That's all that matters to him.

What about you?

I got to go.

Mr. LEONETTI developed an arrhythmia and arrested.

The code team has been working on him

since we beeped you.

Sorry, doog, we lost him.

Aah!

Nrrgh.

Oh, my god!

It's me.

Aah!

I should've seen it.

Being a doctor is the monster, and it's strangling me.

I've been so busy living up to my potential,

I forgot to get a life.

Wanda spent the whole summer in Europe.

Look at this skirt.

Would you want your girlfriend

climbing the Eiffel Tower in that skirt?

Hmm...

Me, I've never had time to go anywhere.

And it's not just travel, it's everything.

I went downstairs this morning,

and Vinnie's showing my parents

a video he made at my birthday party.

Hi!

Hey, susie, where's the rest of that bathing suit?

Oh, my god!

It's called a thong bikini, Dr. h.

Ain't it great?

Nice suit.

Doog, watch this. This is good.

Here's where susie berlutti brought out your cake.

Here it is. Who's going to blow out the candles?

Now that's what I call a beautiful cake.

People get a kick out of seeing their presents opened.

So I sat in for you.

I knew you wouldn't want to disappoint your guests.

Very thoughtful.

I love opening presents.

Even when they're not mine.

Ohh!Ooh, neat.

Who gave him that?

I'd be borrowing it soon anyway.

Hut, hut, jumbo.

Hut, jumbo! Hut!

She's got a strong back, that girl.

A toast to the doogster!

Doog, it's the best party you ever had!

I just want to say thank you.

Ooh!Yay!Ooh!

Happy birthday...

I don't believe this.

Instead of living my life,

I'm watching it on videotape.

Happy birthday, dear doogie

happy birthday to you

I can be a doctor any time,

but this is the only time I'll ever be a kid.

I'll just tell canfield "see you next year,"

or in 10 years.

Why am I doing this to myself?

I can tell you what you told me.

"Right now Philip LEONETTI is in his room

"eating jell-o and nagging his kid.

That's all that matters."

Philip LEONETTI died yesterday.

I'm sorry.

He died and nothing I did really made a difference.

Where are you going?

To take my life back.

Doogie...

Every doctor has a graveyard

he walks through by himself.

I know, doc.

But I'm only 17, remember?

Dr. Schwartz to maternity.

Dr. Schwartz to maternity.

Dr. howser?

I want to talk to you about my father.

Michael, I was going to call you.

I didn't think it would turn out like this.

I'm sorry.

Look, uh, the reason i was looking for you

is I want to thank you.

Why?

Because I know he almost died in the emergency room.

He knew it, too.

It scared the both of us.

Suddenly, fighting about motorcycles seemed stupid.

So, uh, for the last day, we talked...

For hours.

He said some stuff, i said some stuff.

It was good.

I wouldn't have said this a week ago,

but I'm going to miss him.

But at least he knew how I really felt...

Because I told him so.

I wouldn't have had that chance

if it wasn't for you, so thank you.

It's o.K.

Well, I'll be seeing you around.

Oh, yeah. I'm selling my bike.

You interested?

What the hell.

I promised him.

Dr. rosenberger to emergency, stat.

Dr. rosenberger to emergency, stat.

Dr. howser.

Did you want to see me?

Would it confuse you if I said I didn't know?

Yes, it would.

I'm sorry about that.

Hi, mom.

Hi, kiddo.

Would you take out the garbage, please?

Sure.

Doogie, the garbage?

I'm going, I'm going.

Surprise! Surprise!

Happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday, dear doogie

happy birthday to you

Whoo! Whoo!

I screwed up the other day.

When you got beeped,

the party should've ended there.

Hey, that's o.K.

Being a doctor can be a real pain sometimes.

You're not kidding, but you are a genius.

We're stuck with that.

It's not like some morning you'll turn stupid.

What I got to remember is, don't fight it.

Make adjustments, go with the flow.

You're more trouble than the average guy,

but, add up the columns, you're worth it.

Vinnie, I love you.

I'm enchanting, but this has got to stop.

Now listen, the other day,

where did we leave off?

Hey, doogie!

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California

girls

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Igor!

Hit it.

I was working in the lab late one night

when my eyes beheld an eerie sight

for my monster from his slab began to rise

and suddenly, to my surprise

he did the mash

he did the monster mash

the monster mash

it was a graveyard smash

he did the mash

it caught on in a flash

he did the mash

he did the monster mash

a-ooh

This isn't so bad, is it?

To the master bedroom where the vampires feast

the ghouls all came from their humble abodes

to get a jolt from my electrodes

they did the mash

they did the monster mash

the monster mash

it was a graveyard smash

they did the mash

it caught on in a flash

they did the mash

they did the monster mash...

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