Original subtitles

THEME MUSIC

(Coughs)

Don't scratch it. You'll make it worse.

Sorry, Doctor.

This cream will help you - betamethasone.

Apply it to your eczema twice a day.

Are you sure it's eczema? Yes.

I've never had it before.

You said you were moving house?

I moved a couple of days ago.

Right. Moving house is very stressful

and the stress would have triggered a reaction in your skin.

(Coughs)

You're coughing a lot.

I've just got rid of a cold.

Right. Any other problems?

I've lost my cat.

That's not a medical problem, is it?

Hm. I'm very tired. Right.

I can't sleep without him. Alright. Come on.

He's called Tom-Tom.

You know, I wonder if he's been kidnapped.

You read about people stealing cats

for scientific experiments.

I don't.

Pauline, what are you doing?

Putting up my certificate.

What is it, dear?

I'm a qualified phlebotomist.

Well done. Oh, that is good.

Have you any idea what a phlebotomist is?

No, but if you can get a certificate for being one,

it must be important.

I'm in charge of the blood in this surgery.

Anyone needs to give a sample,

it'll be me sticking in the needle and sucking out the plasma.

Oh.

Why don't you tell me all about it while we have a cup of tea?

There's no need. She's already told you about it.

(Coughs)

That doesn't sound like the end of a cold to me.

Got some lozenges, somewhere.

(Coughs)

Are you a smoker?

Not really. I don't inhale.

Then you won't miss it when you give it up,

will you, Mrs Averill?

Put those in there.

I don't have many pleasures left in life.

You won't have much life left unless you stop being so stupid.

Thank you.

What about that tea now?

Oh, I actually finished 10 minutes ago.

I'll go home then.

And have a smoke on me own.

(Coughs)

Hi, Martin. Come in. Thank you.

I thought we'd eat outside.

Really?

Don't you want to? Oh, no, no.

Would you like some wine?

No, thank you. I don't drink.

Really? Not even on special occasions?

Is this a special occasion?

Well, maybe 'special's the wrong word,

but it's not exactly something we do every day, is it?

Well, I certainly can't remember the last time

I ate a meal in someone's back garden.

It's not that unusual, Martin.

People have barbecues all the time.

Oh, I see. Hotdogs and hamburgers - is that what we're having?

No.

(Removalists call out)

Er, you've got new neighbours? Yes.

Do you know Mrs Averill?

Ah, yes, yes. She was in my surgery today.

Really? Well, she used to live there.

but her husband died a couple of months ago,

and she couldn't bear to stay without him.

So she sold it to this family from London

and she's bought a smaller place now, out by the..

..out by the...the whatsit.

I'll just go and fetch the starters.

Can I help you with anything? No, it's fine. I can manage.

Did you see the dolphins this afternoon?

There was two of them, just outside the harbour.

Busy with patients all day.

Oh, that's a pity.

So, you didn't see them, then?

No.

Louisa... Yeah?

..you look very...

..busy.

Thank you.

(Knocks)

Not expecting anyone, are you?

No. Only you.

I'll get rid of them.

Louise. Hello.

It's Louisa actually.

That's what I said.

Sorry, you're... Anthony.

And Terri.

We just moved in next door.

Of course. And it's Sam, isn't it?

And you start my school tomorrow, don't you?

You looking forward to that? Thought we'd just say hi.

Hi. Hi.

And ask a HUGE favour.

Our kitchen's full of boxes,

and they're piled on top of each other.

And we're just desperate to open this bottle of wine.

But we can't find a corkscrew.

So we wondered if we could borrow yours.

Please.

Sure. Come in. (Sam kicks tin can)

A 7-hour journey certainly works up a thirst.

Hey, could you pick that up, take it outside, put it in the bin?

You can have it later, Sam.

Oh, 2.5 hours on the M4,

3 hours on the M5 - that's before we even got to Taunton!

Dear, that's awful... (Sighs)

Martin, these are the people that have moved in to Mrs Averill's.

Anthony, Terri and Sam, this is Martin -

Dr Martin Ellingham, the local GP.

Yes.

Ah, can I grab this?

I'm absolutely gasping.

You can only just see the harbour from here.

Aren't we lucky, Sam?

We can see the sea!

WINE IS POURED INTO A GLASS

I'm senior lecturer in the Department of Applied Psychology

at the University of North Cornwall.

Right.

(Titters) Yeah, it sounds pretty grand,

but, well, it's certainly a bit of a step up from my last job -

research fellow at the University of Greenford.

I mean, it's publish or die in the world of academia,

so I won't be resting on my laurels just yet.

Very sensible. Yeah.

You're not from around here, are you, Martin?

No. No. London?

Yes. Hm.

What brings you to Cornwall?

I have to see Louisa.

I managed to find some sheets and duvets,

but there's no way we're going to unpack all the boxes tonight.

Don't suppose we could use some of your plates?

That's fine - plates, glasses - help yourself.

What if we got some food and brought it back here?

Here?

Well, our house is a mess.

Couldn't we join you on the terrace?

You could... Louisa thinks we should all eat together.

Fish and chips OK?

Yeah! Sounds like a great idea.

What do you fancy, Sam?

I'm not hungry. He's never hungry these days.

Do you think we should give him some alfalfa?

Hey, don't do that! You're gonna burn yourself!

Oh, he'll be fine. How about some scampi?

I said I'm not hungry!

I'll get you a sausage. Terri?

Sea bass. Or haddock.

You've just broken my bowl.

Aren't you going to say something?

Oh, we don't like to draw attention to the consequence of Sam's actions.

And not unless there's some sort of development potential.

Mainstream parenting's not really our thing.

But my bowl's in lots of pieces.

Well, I'll buy you a new one.

Or I could stick it back together.

Hm. I'm worried that we're sort of making this a childcentric moment.

Childcentric?

Yeah, we're focusing too much on what he's just done.

Oh, I'll fetch the food.

May? No. April.

Half-term, anyway.

Mrs Averill was doing her B & B back then.

We just fell in love with Portwenn.

And when we heard Mr Averill has popped his clogs,

we couldn't believe our luck.

Being such a small village, I expect you knew him pretty well.

No. I only met him once

to confirm that he was dead.

He was.

(Coughs)

Is the old lady alive?

Mrs Averill? Yeah, she's fine.

She's evil. And she smelled like she'd pissed herself.

I'll be off then. What do you mean?

I've...I've got to do... that thing that I mentioned.

What thing? Ah, didn't I mention it?

Oh, anyway. I'll see myself out.

You're not going, are you? Ah...yes, I am.

Oh, that's a shame. I thought we could have a bit of a chat.

You know I find you absolutely fascinating.

Chip? No, thank you.

You coming out?

Hello?

You alright?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

If you're ill, you're ill.

Give me a ring when you're feeling better

and we'll fix you a new appointment.

OK, bye.

Hello. Hello.

Anthony Oakwood. I've just moved into the cottage up on the hill.

That you bought off Mrs Averill for L220,000?

Mr Huntley, the estate agent, was celebrating in the pub.

Yeah, he bought eveyrone a drink.

Right.

Can I see the doctor? This week, if possible.

You can see him right now.

Oh? You don't have waiting lists in Cornwall?

Normally, yes, but Mr Hill just cancelled.

Oh, lucky me. If you say so.

Martin! Good day. How you doing?

Next patient?

Come through.

Sorry you had to leave so early last night.

We had a very good time. Well, until Louisa got one of her migraines.

She doesn't get migraines.

Really? Oh. She did last night.

And what's your problem?

Um, I've come to register.

Are you ill? Nope. Fit as a fiddle.

But I'll just be too busy to do this when term starts.

At the polytechnic?

University of North Cornwall.

Very exciting psychology department there.

You ever spoken to any of my colleagues there?

No.

You ever spoken to a psychologist? What about?

Interesting story -

about a year ago,

I was supposed to be writing an article for 'UK Psychologist',

but I was blocked.

I went out to dinner with some friends.

A bloke there didn't say a word all night -

just sat there watching us joking, laughing, getting pissed.

Turns out this bloke was a very sucessful lawyer,

a very successful lawyer with...

..Asperger's syndrome.

You know what Asperger's is, right? Yes, of course I do.

Bad communication skills, no sense of humour,

doesn't make friends... Can you fill in this form please?

Starting with your full name and date of birth.

This bloke gave me an idea for my article.

Can people with Asperger's have normal careers?

Answer - yes.

Title - 'You Don't Have To Be Mad To Work Here'.

The thing is, Martin, I think that there's a book in this.

Now, I'm always on the lookout

with people with Asperger's doing difficult jobs.

Doing very well - Marie Curie showed symptoms, so did Thomas Jefferson,

so I'm not saying you're in bad company.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, I can't be sure about you

until we've had a proper conversation...

Full name and date of birth.

Don't you want to talk to me?

I want your full name and date of birth on that form.

Tell you what - I shall fill this in outside

and then we'll have a little chinwag when you're less stressed.

I don't have little chinwags, Mr Oakwood.

Well, it's Dr Oakwood.

Um, I do have a PhD in psychology.

Oh, we're both doctors.

But only one of us has a waiting room full of patients.

Is he always like that?

Like what?

Rude, offhand, dismissive.

Is he always like that?

Like what?

Ah, Ms Glasson rang. And?

There's a pupil at school she's not happy about.

Can you go and see him? Why? What happened?

Let me see.

She didn't say.

Find out. Ms Chabbard!

Oh, Martin! Martin, look here! Hello.

You've scratched your truck. No!

Someone else has scratched my truck.

You probably drove too close to the hedge.

Don't be ridiculous. I've been keyed!

If you say so. I have a sick child to see.

Oh, don't let me stop you. I won't!

He collapsed in the dinner queue and he felt very hot.

THERMOMETER BEEPS

Hm, he's still very hot.

And what about the rash? Is it measles?

Oh my God...

There really is nothing to worry about.

Then why'd you call the doctor? The boy passed out.

The boy's got a name.

Well, Elliot passed out, Mr Clyde, then I saw he had this rash on...

Oh, my God! It's nothing to get excited about.

Well, I'm sorry if we're making a fuss.

I was worried it might be measles.

It's not measles, it's slapped cheek.

Someone hit my son?

I hope you found the boy who did this.

It wasn't a boy.

He was hit by a girl?

He wasn't hit by a girl or a boy.

But if someone slapped his cheeks, he...

You're not accusing me?

Erythema infectiosum.

And what's that supposed to mean?

That is the name of the infection from which your child is suffering.

It's very common. Common?

No, no. He's not saying that you're common, Mr Clyde.

Slapped cheek syndrome - it's very easy to catch and pass on

through the air or saliva.

Now what are you saying? Someone spat at Elliot?

Spitting's a possibility, yes, or somebody might have kissed him

or licked him.

What kind of school are you running here?

I'm sure nothing inappropriate occurred.

Oh, you're sure, are you?

Well, I'm sure that every week my little boy comes home

with another cold, or head lice, or he's throwing up all over the bed...

Can we take him away now, Ms Glasson?

I think that's a very good idea.

Right, come on. Come on.

My truck's just outside.

Don't you want to take a look?

Of course I do, it's just, um...

..tucked up at the moment.

Tucked up?

That's an expression we use in the business.

It means 'I'm dealing with something else and can't be reassigned'.

What exactly are you dealing with?

(Sighs)

I wish I could tell you, Mrs Norton,

but it might infringe the human rights of the suspect.

What about my human rights? I've got a damaged vehicle.

I promise you, as soon as I can,

I will be right there to report the crime.

And catch the criminal?

That could happen.

Did you get home OK last night?

Yes, I did.

And you slept well, did you?

You didn't lie there feeling guilty?

What do you mean? SCHOOL BELL SOUNDS

Sam?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why aren't you wearing uniform?

Dad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.

Well, I'm afraid he's wrong.

Do you know where your next lesson's gonna be?

Yeah. Well, off you go then.

Thanks for looking at Elliot.

Thought we might have had a measles epidemic on our hands.

There's not much chance of that.

Almost all the children I've seen have been jabbed for MMR.

There's only two or three mothers in the village who haven't seen reason.

Maybe they're scared. Nothing to be scared of.

But there's autism. No, there isn't.

Martin, a friend of mine took her son to the doctor -

he was nearly two, perfectly healthy,

they gave him the jab and he changed overnight -

just shut down completely.

What? Because of the MMR vaccine?

That's what she thinks.

Is she very stupid?

Look, it stands to reason

that giving a child three viruses at the same time

must increase their chance of some kind of reaction.

It stands to reason?

Martin, I have read about the studies

linking MMR to bowel disease.

Well, there was one so-called 'study',

but that's been refuted

by people who actually know what they're talking about.

And the hysteria that stopped people giving their children the MMR vaccine

has actually caused an increase in cases of measles,

which is a horrible disease.

Thank you, Doctor.

We've got to concentrate on our brand image.

So, when we get to the Cash'N'Carry, with the mineral water

then we'll slap the labels on it

with the restaurant logo.

Now, that, you see, that is called 'unified branding'.

It reminds the customers where they're eating,

so they'll want to come back again.

Hey? (Chuckles)

You see, a quality logo will give you a quality venue.

Oh, no. How's that for quality, then?

What? Oh...

Bloody vandals.

So is it going OK with the phlebiology?

Fine, thank you. (Coughs)

Oh, dear. It's always worse when me throat's dry.

How about a cup of tea?

I'm fine, thank you.

Pauline.

Oh, I've still got me rash, Doctor.

Yes, of course you have.

I told you - come back in a week, if the cream wasn't working.

A week.

Who's the next patient? (Yells) Mr Sanders!

As soon as I saw the damage, I phoned the insurance people,

and they told me you need to give me a 'crime reference' of something.

Yes, that's what I want. Excuse me! I was here first.

I was here yesterday. I've got punters to feed and the van's parked outside.

Sorry, but I can't do a thing until tomorrow.

Why?

Because...

You alright?

Of course I am. It's just...

..a lot on my plate...

..no time...

..for this.

He looks a bit twitchy to me. No, I'm not!

You leave the premises.

Now.

Sit there.

Mr Sanders needs a flouride and two EDTA.

I bet you a tenner this one's anaemic.

Oh, don't. Why are you still here?

Oh! Well, I'll go outside then.

For a smoke!

(Coughs)

That'll be one grey

and two pinks.

Oh, don't forget you've got your housecall!

(Yells) I know!

Enjoy your polynuclear aromatic hydrocarbons.

Just don't come running to me when you die.

Aunty Joan.

Oh, God, look at my car!

Oh, dear. Been driving too near the hedge?

That's not funny. I'm going to report this to PC Penhale.

I wouldn't bother.

Criminal damage is still a crime, hence the expression,

"criminal damage."

Well, I tried to get him interested in my truck

but he refused to leave the station. Twice.

What do you mean he refused?

Well, it was a bit odd. He IS a bit odd.

More than usually odd.

No. Honestly, Martin, I think you should take a look at him.

KNOCK AT DOOR DOC: Penhale!

(Contines knocking)

Penhale. Open the door.

How are you feeling today?

Fine, thanks, Doctor. Yourself?

I'm fine.

My car isn't. Somebody's vandalised it.

I'd love to help but I'm up to my ears.

Rubbish. Come and have a look.

Here it is. All down the side.

You upset anyone recently?

What's the matter with you, Penhale?

I'll be alright.

In a minute.

Do you have a problem leaving this building?

No. Just...can't do it.

Has it happened before?

Well...bad days now and again.

It's nothing to worry about.

I think having an agoraphobic policeman IS something to worry about.

I'm not agoraphobic. Come outside then.

You might have told me when I was dealing with your narcolepsy

that you also suffer from agora+phobia.

Well, I didn't want anyone to know.

Did you suffer from this before you got kicked in the head by the horse?

No.

You said your behaviour changed and that's why your wife left.

After she went,

that's when I had my first funny turn.

I was down in Lew - plainclothes surveillance

I'd got eyeball on a suspect

male, IC1, 5'11"...

..but that's not important now.

Anyway, the suspect went across this bridge.

I was supposed to follow but I couldn't.

I just couldn't get on the bridge.

I couldn't stay where I was,

had to get back to the van, lock all the doors

and wait till I stopped shaking.

Most days I'm fine.

But I don't think that's good enough.

God knows there isn't enough for you to do in this village

but on the rare occasion,

like when somebody has their car vandalised, for instance,

it would be nice to think

that we had a policeman who could leave the police station

and go and deal with it.

You need to tell your superiors you're not well enough to work. No!

The job's all I got.

You can't do the job. Yes, I can.

I just need some help.

I suppose I could refer you to a therapist.

You'd have to stop work, though, until you got a clean bill of health.

How long's that going to take? I don't know.

Weeks. Maybe months.

PENSIVE MUSIC

SOUND OF SCRAPING

You nasty little boy.

You stay right there. Stay there!

Come back!

(Shouts insult)

Come back!

Are you chasing Sam? Yes!

That's a badger.

It was dead when I found it. Over there.

Why did you put it on a bonfire? It's not a bonfire.

It's a funeral pyre.

I thought it might be nice to give Mr Brook

a traditional Hindu send-off.

You can't just burn a badger in your garden. It's a health hazard!

Put it out! I don't want to.

His spirit hasn't been released.

What's going on? They're burning a badger.

It absolutely stinks.

I don't feel very well. You're not going anywhere.

I just caught your son vandalising cars in the village

having had a go at mine this morning.

OK. When you say vandalising... Scraping a key along the side.

Oh, I wish he wouldn't do that. What, he's done it before?

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Well, excuse me if I sound a little car-centric

but I think it is a big deal.

You have insurance, don't you? That's not the point!

Your son is a delinquent

and I want to know what you plan to do about it.

In front of you, nothing. Go to bed, Sam.

Right, well, you'll be hearing from PC Penhale.

Or a police officer.

Well, there's no need to get the police involved.

I'll just have a quiet word with Sam and explain to him that some people

get a little bit precious about their possessions.

Sorry, but I don't think that Martin's being precious.

Sam needs to learn the difference between right and wrong.

That's a little bit of a grey area, though, isn't it?

No, it isn't. Of course it isn't.

You are the boy' parents.

It's your duty to teach him what he can and can't do.

Absolutely, and I get the impression

that you just let Sam do whatever he wants.

I think it's our business how we bring up Sam,

isn't it, Ms Glasson?

No, no, not when his behaviour affects other people.

And if you can't do anything about it

let's see what the magistrate can.

Just stop it!

You ruined the moment.

Unbelievable.

(Gasps) (Cat screeches)

Alright? Yes. Thank you. I'm fine.

I hate cats. Me too.

Mrs Avril's cat doesn't know it's moved.

Nasty little thing.

Badgers. Cats. Dogs. This village is like a petting zoo.

Oh, well, ah, I need to go and change.

Yeah, me too. I stink.

Yes. Goodbye.

Oh, Martin.

Martin, did you get to see Peha...

Ooh, what on earth's that smell? Me.

Have you trodden in something? No, I haven't.

Madwoman doused her bonfire with a badger on it.

A dead badger? Yes.

Must have escaped the culling.

Now, then, where are my car keys?

Not that culling does any good. It just spreads it further.

Which came first, the badger with TB or the cow with TB?

And I mean what about horses and foxes?

They don't get it but they spread it.

And...

Marty?

(Sighs in exasperation)

Oh, God.

Are you going to put the kettle on?

Maybe later. (Coughs)

Is the doctor free this morning?

No, 'fraid not.

Never mind.

I can wait.

WATER GUSHES

Morning.

Sorry to bother you so early, Martin,

but I need some more of my hormone replacement tablets.

I'll write you a prescription.+

Would you like an espresso? Oh. Do you have any instant?

I'd love an espresso.

Did you speak to Penhale? Yes, I did.

The man's a complete cupcake. Meaning?

I'm sorry, I can't discuss my patients with you.

Well, isn't he agoraphobic?

Amongst other things, yes.

I'm going to have to speak to the District Chief Superintendent

and have him replaced.

You're going to grass him up? I'm not grassing him up.

The man's a public servant and he's unfit for purpose.

Yes, well, you're probably right.

MACHINE WHIRRS

I just wonder whether it wouldn't be kinder to treat him

rather than simply report him.

He has a phobia as do many people, Marty.

But some of them carry on working.

No-one seems to mind.

I read the instructions,

I followed the instructions,

I applied the cream exactly as it said

but has it made any difference?

No. It hasn't made any difference at all.

And I thought he'd want to know.

Sorry, who'd want to know what? The doctor.

He'd want to know the cream isn't working.

It hasn't been a week yet.

And he'd still want to check on my progress.

(Sighs heavily) And then there's Tom-Tom.

(Scratches card) My cat.

Still missing.

I thought of putting up a poster with a picture

but I can't find my albums.

I haven't opened those boxes yet from the move.

All that dust.

(Coughs)

I couldn't sleep at all last night.

(Speaks in muffled voice)

The thing is, he'll ask if you've stopped smoking...

I don't believe this. What?

I've won L320.

L320!

(Coughs horribly)

What's that?

Oh, ugh, ugh!

What's going on?

Mrs Avril's been coughing up blood.

Oh!

Um... Right.

And in.

Out.

Could it be something bad?

It could be lung cancer.

Pauline.

Why are smokers always surprised when they're ill?

Why do they think they're going to be the lucky ones who live to be 100?

Did you think you'd make it to 70?

I'm 75.

80?

My mother smoked a pipe until she was 93.

And then she died.

No. She lost her pipe.

Pauline, I'm about to ask Mrs Averill to give me a sputum sample.

I need you to give it to Truro ASAP

flagged for immediate analysis.

Spit.

KNOCK AT DOOR Yes?

Oh, it's you.

I've...

I've come to say...

..it's not Sam's fault.

No. I blame the parents.

No, I mean he hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Well, I can think of a number of car owners in the village

who would disagree with you.

This oppositional posturing is just Sam's way of setting boundaries.

He's a robust refuser who's trying to communicate his needs

as he goes through a difficult transition phase.

It's important we all avoid unreaslistic expectations.

There's nothing unrealistic in expecting him not to scratch my car.

Well, Anthony explains this much better than me.

He's got lots of theories. I bet he has.

Sam's at such a special stage in his development.

Please don't label him a criminal by telling the police.

You have told them, haven't you?

Are you Joe Pindale?

It's PC Joseph Penhale.

I'm Terri Oakwood.

Oh, I've heard about you.

And about my son, I suppose.

That is so unfair.

He only scratches cars to get a reaction

but if that reaction is just a knee-jerk condemnation,

you can hardly expect him to stop.

So your son is the one who has been scratching the cars?

According to Dr Ellingham.

Isn't that what Dr Ellingham told you?

Someone else told me you've been burning badgers.

Can I have your son's full name and date of birth, please.

Do any of these scooters come in pink?

When you say, "Cherry red" how pink is that?

Mm. Next patient, please.

Hang on a sec. I'm going to buy a scooter with my winnings.

Do you think pink is a good idea or is a bit too...

Mrs Brown.

Doctor, have you got my test results yet?

Yes, they came an hour ago, I just thought I'd keep them to myself.

Really? No, of course not.

When they come in I will call you.

Doctor, I came on foot.

Congratulations. Have you got five minutes?

Yes, when I've seen Mrs Brown and my other patients.

They won't mind.

Police business.

OK?

I was just wondering if you had told anyone at headquarters

about my problems?

Not yet.

And there's nothing I can do to change your mind

about me having to not work while I have the therapy?

Hey, I'm not trying to bribe you.

That wouldn't help. Would it?

What you doing?

I was just going to ask Pauline...

There's no need to involve anyone else at this stage.

I didn't actually offer you money.

I don't have your patient notes - I was going to get them.

Sorry.

It's just...this policing business...

..it's my life.

Did you ever think about a vocation for yourself, Doctor?

Yes, I wanted to be a doctor.

Where did it all go wrong, hey?

It didn't. Well, not for you maybe, but for me.

All I want right now is to be the best policeman in Portwenn.

You're the only policeman in Portwenn.

(Sighs) You're just saying that.

The question I have to ask is -

can you carry on doing your job whilst undergoing treatment?

Absolutely!

And you're aware of the effects of cognitive behaviour therapy?

I don't know what it is. Right.

But you're still sure that you could carry out your duties

whilst in the thick of it.

Yes.

Ah, well, you're either very confident or stupid.

We both know I'm not stupid. (Chuckles)

Thank you very much, sir.

'Bye, Pauline. Mrs Brown.

(Whispers) The lab in Truro emailed the results.

Mm.

Mrs Averill, come through, please.

Take a seat. (Coughs)

You tested positive for TB.

You have tuberculosis.

Am I going to die? Not from this. No.

I'm going to send you to the chest clinic in Truro for an X-ray

but, because you're decrepit,

they'll probably want to keep you in for a couple of weeks.

I didn't think people got TB now.

It's still quite common in London and abroad.

Have you traveled lately?

(Gasps) I went to Dellerbo last week

to see 'Rocky Balboa'.

(Coughs) Is that where I caught it, in Dellerbo?

Ah, the incubation period's much longer than a week.

You must have got it somewhere else. (Coughs and splutters)

When I'm in hospital... Yes?

..will I be allowed to smoke?

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

We better keep an eye out for pupils with possible symptoms.

So would you like me to warn the parents?

That wouldn't do any harm.

TB is pretty rare around here, unless you're a cow.

You could have told me all this on the phone.

I was passing.

Right.

(Kids talk together loudly)

Um, I better teach this lot.

Well, I have a lot to do myself. Can everyone settle down, please?

Oh, Martin... Yep?

..how long does it take for a child to develop TB symptoms?

Why do you ask?

Well, we had to send Sam Oakwood home this morning -

he was coughing and he looked really awful.

Hello?

TERRI: I'm in the kitchen.

Oh. Hello.

That smells revolting.

I'm mixing some tulsi and bilati with vasika and hypercium.

It's for Sam.

Mm. Miss Glasson said he was ill. May I see him?

He's not too bad.

He didn't sleep very well, said he was hot.

But you still sent him to school?

Well, pretending to be ill

is one of Sam's little triggers at the moment.

Um, he's always looking for an emotional response.

Has your son been jabbed for TB?

Ah. (Exhales loudly)

Well, have we let someone inject him full of poison?

Well, strangely, no.

Inoculations stop people from getting dangerous, infectious diseases -

that is a fact that cannot be argued with.

He's just got a cough.

Mrs Averill has tuberculosis. She may have passed it on to your son.

(Sam coughs)

He hasn't seen her for months.

When we stayed here before they were never in the same room together.

Even so, I would like to examine your son!

(Coughs) Sam, we've got the doctor here.

Right. I'm just going to listen to your chest.

(Coughs loudly)

CAT SCREECHES (Yells) Jesus!

Mind Tom-Tom.

Is that Mrs Averill's cat? It's mine now.

It's very thin.

Well, we do put food out for it, it's just not very hungry.

Does the cat sleep with you?

Did it sleep with you when you stayed here before?

I see. You're perfectly happy that your son should share his bed

with a scrawny fleabitten creature, are you?

Sit up.

I think it's up to Sam whom or what he befriends, don't you?

Breathe in. (Draws long breath)

Out. (Exhales)

And again. (Inhales deeply)

Out. (Exhales)

I don't understand you people.

Your son gets ill and rather than take him to a doctor

you brew up green soup.

Oh, ah, and what would you have done?

Tested him for TB.

Nonsense! He's just attention-seeking.

I think your son contracted TB from Mrs Averill's cat

that had probably infected her previously.

But how could a cat possibly catch TB?

From a badger. You found a badger in your garden, didn't you?

It probably died from bovine TB.

I'm going to take a sputum sample from your son and that's for you.

A prescription?

No, it's a quote for the paintwork on my car.

Just because you're ill doesn't mean you get away with criminal damage.

Spit in there.

Go on.

(Spits loudly)

How's Sam?

Marginally less irritating than his parents.

No-one could be that irritating.

Has he got TB? Yes, I'm pretty certain.

It's unusual to get it from a cat though.

A cat? Mrs Averill's cat.

It'll have to be put down.

Shame. Mm.

The boy should make a full recovery from the TB.

I can't do anything about his disastrous upbringing, though.

I do feel sorry for Sam, having a mum and dad like that.

Mm. But maybe we're not being fair.

I mean, we're not parents, are we?

You would make a lovely mother.

Martin, quick!

Martin, quick.

Ah, Terri's tipped the tulsi over her leg.

What? The 'green soup'!

You know, it's boiling hot and she's scalded herself. Come on!

Come on.

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