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1
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2
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Dude, you live in here?
3
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Yeah, check it out.
4
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Oh, dude, you live in here!
5
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- Yeah.
- What the f...
6
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- [chuckles]
- How?
7
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So, back in the '90s,
8
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I registered a whole bunch
of celebrity domain names
9
00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:19,050
and then I sold them off years later
10
00:00:19,075 --> 00:00:20,378
- and made a fortune, man.
- Oh.
11
00:00:20,378 --> 00:00:21,507
Yeah, crazy.
12
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ShannenDoherty.com
paid for this carpet here.
13
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Regis Philbin paid for
the entire kitchen remodel.
14
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- And Zac Efron...
- That's nice.
15
00:00:27,478 --> 00:00:29,166
Thank you... paid for all of my pants.
16
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He wasn't even a thing in the '90s.
17
00:00:30,287 --> 00:00:31,366
Yeah, no, I know.
I mean, sometimes I would
18
00:00:31,367 --> 00:00:33,176
just make up a name and get lucky.
19
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- Nice.
- Yeah.
20
00:00:34,337 --> 00:00:36,192
Oh, that's a two-man bong.
21
00:00:36,193 --> 00:00:37,615
- Built it myself.
- No way.
22
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Yeah. Here, let me
show you something.
23
00:00:39,347 --> 00:00:41,326
Something better than that?
24
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:43,676
This is my bong collection.
25
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[whispering] Oh, my God, Clyde.
26
00:00:45,787 --> 00:00:47,796
Oh, my God! Is everything
in here smokable?
27
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I mean, can you smoke everything?
28
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This right here plays
music when you rip it.
29
00:00:52,157 --> 00:00:54,196
Well, I'm pretty jazzed about that.
30
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,339
And this is the first bong
I actually ever made
31
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- back in sixth grade.
- Wow. Oh, holy shit!
32
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There's whole half a nug in here.
33
00:00:59,373 --> 00:01:00,452
- There is?
- Yeah. [sniffs]
34
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Oh, man, that's from middle school.
35
00:01:02,876 --> 00:01:04,865
- We gotta hit that.
- Yes, sir.
36
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:05,974
- Yes Sir.
- [chuckles]
37
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[chanting] Hit it,
hit it, hit it, hit it.
38
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[water bubbling]
39
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[coughing]
40
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Yeah!
41
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You okay?
42
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- [gags]
- Hey, Clyde.
43
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Clyde! Is it okay if I hit this?
44
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- [coughs]
- He seems cool.
45
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Oh, shit.
46
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Can I help you?
47
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You mean
48
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"May I help you?"
49
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- What?
- May I help you?
50
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You may, I guess. What?
51
00:01:40,612 --> 00:01:42,164
[coughing] Oh.
52
00:01:45,452 --> 00:01:47,331
What are you...
53
00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:48,455
you know him or something?
54
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Know him?
55
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He's the one who did this to me.
56
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57
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- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
58
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Oh, shit.
59
00:02:34,590 --> 00:02:36,640
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
60
00:02:38,831 --> 00:02:41,800
Are you telling me
that Clyde did that to you?
61
00:02:41,825 --> 00:02:43,764
- What?
- Did he do that to you?
62
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Oh, no. No, no.
63
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I was torn apart by guerillas in Africa.
64
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- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.
65
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Oh, thank God. [chuckles]
66
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Shit.
67
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For a second there I was like,
"I am a fucking shit magnet
68
00:02:54,276 --> 00:02:55,678
for people these days."
69
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,242
Okay, good. Okay.
70
00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,599
So, uh... okay, so
how do you know Clyde?
71
00:02:59,624 --> 00:03:01,497
I was his middle school
guidance counselor.
72
00:03:01,522 --> 00:03:02,395
Oh.
73
00:03:02,396 --> 00:03:04,335
Most of the children I worked with
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00:03:04,336 --> 00:03:06,255
- were...
- Pieces of shit?
75
00:03:06,256 --> 00:03:07,405
Far below average intelligence.
76
00:03:07,406 --> 00:03:09,305
But once in a blue moon,
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00:03:09,306 --> 00:03:12,345
a child would come along
who had the potential
78
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to change the world.
79
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And Clyde was, like, that student?
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He wasn't "like" that student.
81
00:03:19,036 --> 00:03:21,576
- He was.
- He's a genius.
82
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- Kind of.
- Whoa.
83
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- Pac?
- Hey.
84
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:26,385
- What are you doing?
- Well...
85
00:03:26,386 --> 00:03:29,255
Ooh! You're talking
to a ghost, aren't you?!
86
00:03:29,256 --> 00:03:31,265
Aren't you?! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
87
00:03:31,266 --> 00:03:32,425
- Calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Ooh, what happened?
88
00:03:32,426 --> 00:03:35,770
- Uh, actually, it's...
- Wait, don't tell me!
89
00:03:35,795 --> 00:03:37,275
- Shit!
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
90
00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:40,395
Uh, okay. Is it, uh...
is it, uh... uh...
91
00:03:40,396 --> 00:03:43,803
- is it Ethel Merman?
- Who... who's Ethel Merman?
92
00:03:44,121 --> 00:03:45,933
- "Who's Ethel Merman?"
- Is she merfolk?
93
00:03:45,973 --> 00:03:48,335
- Seriously?
- Okay, well, it's not her.
94
00:03:48,336 --> 00:03:50,221
Oh, I give up, then. Who is it?
95
00:03:50,222 --> 00:03:53,350
It is the ghost of your middle
school guidance counselor.
96
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Mr. Faggy?
97
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"Mr. Faggy"?
98
00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:57,416
Is that your name?
99
00:03:59,202 --> 00:04:00,331
It's Fa-jzeh!
100
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:02,733
The "G" is soft. You know that!
101
00:04:02,758 --> 00:04:04,726
He says it's Fa-jzeh
with a soft "G" or whatever.
102
00:04:04,751 --> 00:04:06,211
- Oh, shit, it's him!
- Yeah!
103
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,789
Well, whatever happened with that guy?
104
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I haven't thought about him in years.
105
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You got me fired, that's what happened!
106
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You got him fired, that's what happened.
107
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Oh, yeah!
108
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Yeah.
109
00:04:16,415 --> 00:04:19,364
Oh, I think I may have
told the principal
110
00:04:19,365 --> 00:04:21,641
that he had... he had
showed me his balls.
111
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Ugh. I had "shown" you my balls.
112
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- You did?! Oh!
- What?
113
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- Why?
- No, no, no!
114
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He made that up!
115
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Look, I wasn't trying
to get him fired, okay?
116
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I was just sick of him always
trying to correct my grammar
117
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and motivate me and stuff.
118
00:04:34,771 --> 00:04:36,774
Right, well, you got
him sent away to Africa.
119
00:04:36,799 --> 00:04:39,670
Okay, okay, I chose to go to Africa.
120
00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:41,184
What, he get eaten by
a lion or something?
121
00:04:41,184 --> 00:04:43,203
- Uh, no. A gorilla, actually.
- Whoa.
122
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- Right?
- Actually,
123
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it was a band of guerilla fighters.
124
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I got caught in the
middle of a political coup.
125
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,290
Holy shit, it was a band of guerillas.
126
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:50,380
Oh, shit. What kind of music?
127
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I don't know. He did not specify.
128
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Wait a second. If Mr.
Faggy died in Africa,
129
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- what's he doing here?
- Good question.
130
00:04:56,048 --> 00:04:58,067
Even as the guerillas
were ripping me to shreds
131
00:04:58,068 --> 00:05:01,485
and feeding me to actual gorillas,
132
00:05:01,485 --> 00:05:03,544
all I could think about
133
00:05:03,545 --> 00:05:05,564
- was Clyde.
- That's weird.
134
00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:07,494
No.
135
00:05:07,495 --> 00:05:09,474
I can't leave
136
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:12,991
until he has lived up
to his full potential.
137
00:05:12,991 --> 00:05:15,180
Okay, I got it. It's making sense now.
138
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,754
All right, so how does
he make that happen?
139
00:05:17,874 --> 00:05:20,169
By winning first place
140
00:05:20,717 --> 00:05:21,857
at that.
141
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,209
"Sexy singles in your area"?
142
00:05:25,503 --> 00:05:27,603
- Is that a contest?
- Oh, wait.
143
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,189
Oh. Oh!
144
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:33,269
"Big Apple Idea Fair,
145
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where imagination meets
wonder and blows your mind."
146
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Oh, okay.
147
00:05:37,818 --> 00:05:39,877
What... what happens if he doesn't win?
148
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There will be consequences.
149
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:46,768
- Like... aw, shit!
- Whoa!
150
00:05:47,818 --> 00:05:48,867
Wait a second, is that a bong?
151
00:05:48,868 --> 00:05:51,310
Okay, Idea Fair,
152
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where imagination eats wonder
and blows your mind.
153
00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:57,280
[sighs]
154
00:05:57,927 --> 00:05:59,096
I have an idea.
155
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What if we smoke weed to come up
156
00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:05,277
- with some great ideas?
- Great idea.
157
00:06:07,387 --> 00:06:10,296
What about...
158
00:06:10,297 --> 00:06:11,356
lasers?
159
00:06:11,357 --> 00:06:12,456
- Damn it!
- What?
160
00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:15,346
You said lasers and I...
obviously, lasers,
161
00:06:15,347 --> 00:06:16,757
- and I fucking forgot...
- Hey.
162
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,367
What I was gonna say.
I'm sorry for yelling.
163
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No, sorry. I'm a blurter. I didn't mean
164
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:21,365
- to blurt that out.
- No, I just... my bad.
165
00:06:21,366 --> 00:06:22,495
Listen... oh, I got it.
I have something.
166
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What about... fuck.
167
00:06:25,548 --> 00:06:27,547
Oh! What about a device
168
00:06:27,628 --> 00:06:29,757
that helps you remember
ideas that you just forgot
169
00:06:29,758 --> 00:06:32,451
- in your brain?
- Holy shit, yes!
170
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,425
- Yeah?
- Yes!
171
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,019
- So how would that work?
- I don't know.
172
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,838
You know, they say that, uh...
173
00:06:37,863 --> 00:06:39,883
that most people
get their best ideas...
174
00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:41,158
- On the shitter?
- Close.
175
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:43,743
Whoa, what is this, pomegranate?
176
00:06:43,784 --> 00:06:45,178
Oh, my God! I think I got it!
177
00:06:45,179 --> 00:06:47,128
Okay, look, even if we have
this trampoline here,
178
00:06:47,129 --> 00:06:48,228
it still doesn't take
care of the problem.
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00:06:48,229 --> 00:06:50,138
I knew you were gonna
say that, so I propose
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00:06:50,139 --> 00:06:53,158
we put a second trampoline right here.
181
00:06:53,159 --> 00:06:55,188
Sounds like you boys
are onto something.
182
00:06:55,189 --> 00:06:57,083
Mr. Faggy, hi.
Yeah, almost.
183
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,218
Not quite there yet.
184
00:06:58,219 --> 00:07:00,149
Ugh, no.
185
00:07:01,229 --> 00:07:03,158
What is this?
186
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,995
The cure for cancer?
187
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:06,734
That's me,
188
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:09,688
uh, knocking your reefer device
189
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,889
onto a trampoline.
190
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,456
This is just an idea
191
00:07:14,457 --> 00:07:16,366
to avoid coming up with an idea!
192
00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:17,496
We're sorry, Mr. Faggy!
193
00:07:17,497 --> 00:07:19,556
- Ideas are hard!
- It's Fa-jzeh.
194
00:07:19,557 --> 00:07:22,386
- The "G" is soft.
- Fa-jzeh.
195
00:07:22,387 --> 00:07:23,456
- Tell him we're trying.
- We're trying!
196
00:07:23,457 --> 00:07:25,376
You're not trying!
197
00:07:25,377 --> 00:07:28,051
You're smoking reefer
198
00:07:28,051 --> 00:07:31,150
and showering together.
199
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,130
Now stop farting around!
200
00:07:34,131 --> 00:07:36,558
[groans] That guy!
201
00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:39,050
Fucking... [blows raspberry, growls]
202
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,700
Did he see the trampoline
floor idea? What did he say?
203
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:43,749
Ugh, he thinks we're
smoking too much pot.
204
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,749
- [groans]
- [laughs]
205
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,699
Actually, he might...
206
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:48,749
he might be right about that.
207
00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:49,925
Huh?
208
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:52,476
I mean, ever since I started
smoking weed, all of my ideas
209
00:07:52,476 --> 00:07:54,274
are either half-baked
or they're about weed.
210
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,273
Now, hang on a second, Clyde.
211
00:07:56,567 --> 00:07:58,550
It sounds to me like
you're talking about
212
00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:00,232
giving up the weed.
213
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:01,342
No!
214
00:08:01,418 --> 00:08:02,703
What? Hell no! No!
215
00:08:02,728 --> 00:08:05,122
All I'm saying... jeez, really?
216
00:08:05,222 --> 00:08:06,602
- That's what you thought?
- Yeah.
217
00:08:06,602 --> 00:08:08,101
- For a second I was like...
- Fuck! No, no, no.
218
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:09,793
- All I'm saying is...
- this guy is not...
219
00:08:10,135 --> 00:08:11,925
No, what I'm saying
is that we have to find
220
00:08:11,926 --> 00:08:13,150
the inventions and ideas that I had
221
00:08:13,150 --> 00:08:14,209
before I started smoking.
222
00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:16,497
Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so, uh...
223
00:08:16,522 --> 00:08:19,600
how do we find the ideas
from before you started...
224
00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:21,224
I wrote them all down in a notebook.
225
00:08:21,224 --> 00:08:23,057
Notebook. Okay, where
do we get the notebook?
226
00:08:24,154 --> 00:08:26,294
- Buried.
- Alive?
227
00:08:29,274 --> 00:08:32,214
228
00:08:33,811 --> 00:08:35,430
I get it. So you just
dug a bunch of holes
229
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,560
and buried all your shit in the park?
230
00:08:37,626 --> 00:08:38,530
It's time capsules, man.
231
00:08:38,531 --> 00:08:40,430
You never know when you're gonna
need something from your past.
232
00:08:40,431 --> 00:08:42,460
- Time capsule?
- Here. Yeah, here we go.
233
00:08:42,461 --> 00:08:44,480
What's a time capsule?
234
00:08:44,481 --> 00:08:46,480
Oh, my God! Is that a Smash Mouth CD?
235
00:08:46,481 --> 00:08:48,480
- [blows]
- Huh.
236
00:08:48,481 --> 00:08:50,540
This is the wrong box.
This is from high school.
237
00:08:50,541 --> 00:08:52,570
I used to love this album so hard.
238
00:08:52,571 --> 00:08:54,470
Come here.
239
00:08:54,471 --> 00:08:56,361
- Can I keep this?
- Yeah.
240
00:08:59,521 --> 00:09:01,085
Okay, so apparently, this is from
241
00:09:01,085 --> 00:09:03,184
your second tour in Afghanistan.
242
00:09:03,185 --> 00:09:05,214
- I don't remember any of this.
- Oh.
243
00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:07,075
Okay.
244
00:09:09,255 --> 00:09:11,104
What is this?
245
00:09:11,105 --> 00:09:13,244
Oh, yeah. That.
246
00:09:13,245 --> 00:09:16,244
That was a letter from jail
last week when I met you.
247
00:09:16,245 --> 00:09:18,174
Shut up.
248
00:09:18,175 --> 00:09:20,155
Clyde! [laughs]
249
00:09:23,115 --> 00:09:24,234
[blows]
250
00:09:24,235 --> 00:09:26,084
That one's not mine.
251
00:09:26,085 --> 00:09:27,215
Ew!
252
00:09:33,085 --> 00:09:35,114
- What the...
- Hold on. Wait, wait.
253
00:09:35,115 --> 00:09:37,144
What is that?
254
00:09:37,145 --> 00:09:39,875
Oh, dude, that's a
tiny, little baby skull.
255
00:09:40,089 --> 00:09:41,458
Oh, it's so cute.
256
00:09:41,987 --> 00:09:43,164
- All right, just keep digging.
- All right.
257
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,094
You can bust through that.
258
00:09:45,095 --> 00:09:47,204
- Aha!
- Is this it?
259
00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:49,800
- Oh, no. This is the map.
- What map?
260
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,890
The map to where all
the capsules are buried.
261
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:54,456
Say what?
262
00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:56,909
Here it is! Okay.
263
00:09:56,910 --> 00:09:58,719
- That's it?
- For real this time.
264
00:09:58,720 --> 00:09:59,307
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
265
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:00,919
And here's my idea journal.
266
00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:02,425
- Let's do it!
- Oh, man,
267
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:04,266
no wonder we didn't find it.
There used to be a tree here.
268
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:05,416
- Oh, shit.
- I had so many great ideas
269
00:10:05,417 --> 00:10:07,396
back in the day. This is a car
270
00:10:07,397 --> 00:10:09,386
that runs on gas and electricity.
271
00:10:09,716 --> 00:10:11,775
Cool. I think that's
already a thing, though.
272
00:10:11,776 --> 00:10:13,715
- Oh, yeah, of course. Um...
- Yeah.
273
00:10:13,948 --> 00:10:15,047
What do you got?
274
00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:16,725
This is a... this is a phone
275
00:10:16,726 --> 00:10:19,164
that also has a camera and
a computer inside of it.
276
00:10:19,189 --> 00:10:20,775
That is one smart phone.
277
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,745
Shit, you're right.
278
00:10:22,746 --> 00:10:23,765
- What?
- Uh...
279
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,140
That's a smart phone, man!
280
00:10:25,165 --> 00:10:27,675
Oh! This is a... a...
281
00:10:27,676 --> 00:10:29,168
a pussy that you keep in your pocket.
282
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,795
- A pocket pussy?
- Yeah.
283
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,382
- And you fuck it?
- Yeah.
284
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:33,520
Holy shit.
285
00:10:34,147 --> 00:10:35,390
That's already a thing. I have one.
286
00:10:35,391 --> 00:10:36,550
- It is?
- Yeah.
287
00:10:37,394 --> 00:10:39,340
You can order it online.
I got a few of them.
288
00:10:39,341 --> 00:10:40,470
- Fuck!
- What?
289
00:10:40,471 --> 00:10:42,320
What... okay, what about this?
290
00:10:42,321 --> 00:10:43,430
That's just my school yearbook.
291
00:10:43,431 --> 00:10:44,916
This is a fucking yearbook?
292
00:10:44,941 --> 00:10:47,173
Oh, my God, I've never
actually seen one of these.
293
00:10:47,198 --> 00:10:49,350
Back in the orphanage, they
just put us in catalogues.
294
00:10:49,351 --> 00:10:52,440
Why'd you cross your photo out?
295
00:10:52,441 --> 00:10:53,470
Uh, I... I didn't.
296
00:10:53,471 --> 00:10:55,370
Why would you do that, Clyde?
297
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:56,430
[sighs] Let's just go, all right?
298
00:10:56,431 --> 00:10:58,350
Wait, hold on, hold on. What... what?
299
00:10:58,351 --> 00:10:59,895
Who scribbled out your
yearbook photo, man?
300
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,440
You wouldn't understand, man.
301
00:11:01,441 --> 00:11:04,381
I mean, I'm sure you
were one of the cool kids.
302
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,440
Yeah, of course.
303
00:11:07,441 --> 00:11:09,470
Cooler than you.
304
00:11:09,471 --> 00:11:13,440
Well, not all of us had
special powers like you did.
305
00:11:13,441 --> 00:11:16,420
All I had was this bully.
306
00:11:16,778 --> 00:11:19,857
- Brody Keller.
- Fucking grody Brody Keller.
307
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,400
That's exactly what I used to call him.
308
00:11:21,377 --> 00:11:23,070
That guy dunked my head in
the toilet so many times,
309
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,129
I got swimmer's ear.
310
00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,109
Why do you think I started smoking weed?
311
00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:27,949
'Cause you couldn't hear
them telling you not to?
312
00:11:27,974 --> 00:11:29,804
Because I wanted to be cool.
313
00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:33,344
I wanted to stop getting
stuffed in my own locker.
314
00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:35,688
You know, Brody left me in
there over a long weekend once.
315
00:11:35,713 --> 00:11:38,307
I had to eat my own pet snake
316
00:11:38,332 --> 00:11:40,512
- just to survive.
- Ew, raw?
317
00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:42,100
- Hey, that's it.
- What?
318
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,240
That's it! That's how we're
gonna win the Idea Fair!
319
00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:45,169
- Snake snacks?
- No!
320
00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,159
We need to put a stop to bullying
321
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,149
- before it even starts.
- I like it.
322
00:11:49,150 --> 00:11:52,883
We need to invent a line
of bully-proof clothing
323
00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:54,687
- and accessories!
- What the fuck, man!
324
00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:56,506
Yes!
325
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:57,606
Wait, Clyde!
326
00:11:57,607 --> 00:11:59,586
You gotta say break right or break left!
327
00:11:59,587 --> 00:12:02,507
328
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,627
[toilet flushes]
329
00:12:24,557 --> 00:12:25,567
Ah!
330
00:12:28,637 --> 00:12:29,696
Oh.
331
00:12:29,697 --> 00:12:31,667
332
00:12:35,717 --> 00:12:37,666
Yo mama is so ugly
333
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,687
that people forget how fat she is.
334
00:12:40,687 --> 00:12:42,546
Yeah, I can read lips.
335
00:12:42,547 --> 00:12:44,607
- Shit, I'm sorry, man. I...
- Fucker.
336
00:12:47,697 --> 00:12:48,737
[grunts]
337
00:12:53,627 --> 00:12:55,637
338
00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,626
Only one thing left to do.
339
00:13:08,627 --> 00:13:10,666
Win that Idea Fair.
340
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,726
No. We gotta test this out in the field.
341
00:13:12,727 --> 00:13:14,557
Oh, yeah.
342
00:13:15,717 --> 00:13:20,606
[doorbell chiming rapidly]
343
00:13:21,117 --> 00:13:23,236
God, my heart is beating
so fast right now.
344
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,596
It's probab... probably
all the Adderall.
345
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,527
I got it, too.
346
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,676
- Can I help you?
- Brody Keller.
347
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,536
Clyde Shapiro. Let's do this.
348
00:13:33,537 --> 00:13:35,526
Clyde Shapiro?
349
00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:37,576
From Don Quixote Middle School?
350
00:13:37,577 --> 00:13:38,716
No way!
351
00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:40,566
Hey, man!
352
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,606
- It's been a long time.
- Maybe for you.
353
00:13:42,607 --> 00:13:44,004
What? I don't understand.
354
00:13:44,004 --> 00:13:45,801
Hasn't it been the same
amount of time for both of you?
355
00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,844
- I was trying to be mouthy.
- Oh, fuck. Okay.
356
00:13:47,845 --> 00:13:50,511
- Brody, dinner!
- Yeah, coming!
357
00:13:50,511 --> 00:13:53,500
Sorry, guys. Just about to sit
down to dinner with the fam.
358
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:55,460
Oh, hey, you two wanna join?
359
00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:56,480
- Yeah, sure.
- What?
360
00:13:56,481 --> 00:13:57,520
- No, wait.
- What, no!
361
00:13:57,858 --> 00:13:59,196
Don't you wanna give me a noogie
362
00:13:59,196 --> 00:14:02,027
or tell me my mom has AIDS
and I caught it from her
363
00:14:02,027 --> 00:14:03,672
when I was coming out of her vagina
364
00:14:03,673 --> 00:14:05,622
and now it's only a matter
of time before I die?
365
00:14:05,623 --> 00:14:07,612
[sighs] Jeez, man.
366
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:08,722
I was pretty awful, huh?
367
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,350
Regularly.
368
00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:12,354
You know, I was just a lost kid.
369
00:14:12,831 --> 00:14:14,248
I was just trying to gain some control
370
00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:15,553
by keeping you down.
371
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:17,562
So you have no desire
to bully me right now?
372
00:14:17,563 --> 00:14:18,672
No, I'm a changed man, Clyde.
373
00:14:18,673 --> 00:14:20,632
I'm a father now.
374
00:14:20,633 --> 00:14:23,448
I'm married. I work with autistic kids.
375
00:14:23,449 --> 00:14:26,084
Okay, so you have no urge to say,
376
00:14:26,673 --> 00:14:29,512
I don't know, punch Clyde
right in his big, dumb face?
377
00:14:29,513 --> 00:14:30,987
None whatsoever.
378
00:14:30,988 --> 00:14:32,600
- Just a tap on the chin?
- Nah.
379
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:33,718
Dude, it would really
help us out right now.
380
00:14:33,718 --> 00:14:36,387
- Nah,
- I just, you know... sorry, guys.
381
00:14:36,388 --> 00:14:38,053
I... I can't.
382
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,548
All right.
383
00:14:39,548 --> 00:14:41,487
- Okay.
- Thanks, asshole.
384
00:14:41,488 --> 00:14:43,537
Shitballs.
385
00:14:43,538 --> 00:14:45,587
What do we do now?
386
00:14:45,588 --> 00:14:47,809
Hey, girls, I know what we could do now.
387
00:14:47,809 --> 00:14:49,748
[groaning]
388
00:14:49,749 --> 00:14:52,728
- Oh, that's familiar.
- Ah!
389
00:14:52,729 --> 00:14:54,668
[groaning] Oh, shit.
390
00:14:54,669 --> 00:14:58,649
- Oh, the anus.
- Oh, so exposed.
391
00:15:00,669 --> 00:15:02,629
The anus.
392
00:15:03,629 --> 00:15:04,819
All right.
393
00:15:06,759 --> 00:15:09,808
Okay, you ready?
394
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,192
I'm ready.
395
00:15:11,192 --> 00:15:13,131
[screaming]
396
00:15:13,132 --> 00:15:14,191
- Oh!
- Did it hurt?
397
00:15:14,192 --> 00:15:17,071
No, it was, uh...
398
00:15:17,738 --> 00:15:18,907
it was refreshing.
399
00:15:18,953 --> 00:15:20,150
Pac,
400
00:15:20,152 --> 00:15:22,201
we're literally sitting
on a million-dollar idea.
401
00:15:22,202 --> 00:15:24,071
[grunts]
402
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:26,478
- Oh, it was refreshing!
- Right?
403
00:15:26,503 --> 00:15:27,271
Yeah.
404
00:15:27,272 --> 00:15:30,222
- Oh, it smells like money.
- Yeah, right?
405
00:15:32,142 --> 00:15:34,192
406
00:15:53,092 --> 00:15:54,141
Good morrow, milady.
407
00:15:54,142 --> 00:15:56,251
We are here to win the pres...
408
00:15:57,345 --> 00:15:59,479
prestigious Big Apple Idea Fair.
409
00:15:59,504 --> 00:16:01,633
Ooh, I like your enthusiasm!
410
00:16:02,658 --> 00:16:04,544
Believe me, enthusiasm
has nothing to do with it.
411
00:16:04,544 --> 00:16:06,300
Except for when we
came up with the idea.
412
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:06,795
Obviously.
413
00:16:06,937 --> 00:16:09,259
Okay, well, I will be
happy to sign you in.
414
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:10,420
Where is your child?
415
00:16:10,422 --> 00:16:12,401
[children playing]
416
00:16:12,402 --> 00:16:14,371
My what?
417
00:16:14,372 --> 00:16:15,552
Your child.
418
00:16:17,412 --> 00:16:19,412
[children continue playing]
419
00:16:22,452 --> 00:16:25,382
Oh, you mean one of these?
420
00:16:28,482 --> 00:16:30,601
421
00:16:30,602 --> 00:16:32,541
This is... this... ugh!
422
00:16:32,939 --> 00:16:36,344
Where in the fart are we gonna
find a kid on such short notice?
423
00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:38,353
Pac, even if we had ample notice,
424
00:16:38,354 --> 00:16:39,423
it would still be a whole thing.
425
00:16:39,424 --> 00:16:40,503
Yeah, all right.
426
00:16:40,504 --> 00:16:42,403
What... all right, spitballing here.
427
00:16:42,404 --> 00:16:44,396
What about this... we
lift a kid from the street.
428
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,173
We gotta keep this professional.
429
00:16:46,198 --> 00:16:47,818
- Okay?
- Yes. Yeah.
430
00:16:47,819 --> 00:16:49,233
Professional. Agreed.
431
00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:52,202
- What do you have in mind?
- Craigslist. Let's go.
432
00:16:52,203 --> 00:16:53,352
Yeah.
433
00:16:54,278 --> 00:16:55,910
Okay, Craigslist. Here we go.
434
00:16:55,911 --> 00:16:58,778
Wedgie-proof underwear inventeurs
435
00:16:58,779 --> 00:16:59,878
- looking for...
- Wait, hold on.
436
00:16:59,879 --> 00:17:02,100
Pac, this is a multimillion-dollar idea.
437
00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:04,299
We can't just put this online
for some schmuck to steal.
438
00:17:04,299 --> 00:17:06,578
- Oh, fuck. You're right.
- We have to be very specific
439
00:17:06,603 --> 00:17:07,692
- about how we word this, right?
- [clears throat]
440
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,198
- Just the basics.
- Okay, here we go.
441
00:17:09,198 --> 00:17:11,326
- Try again.
- Uh, how about
442
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:14,316
"men seeking boy for
underwear experiment"?
443
00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:15,920
- Perfect.
- Right?
444
00:17:15,992 --> 00:17:17,246
Yeah.
445
00:17:17,247 --> 00:17:19,386
- [mouse clicks]
- And there it goes.
446
00:17:19,918 --> 00:17:21,888
Okay.
447
00:17:23,317 --> 00:17:25,256
- [exhales]
- Hey, Clyde, uh...
448
00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:26,896
you remember earlier
449
00:17:26,897 --> 00:17:27,870
when you were telling
me about getting bullied
450
00:17:27,871 --> 00:17:30,197
and you assumed that I was
one of the cool kids?
451
00:17:30,222 --> 00:17:31,301
- Yeah.
- [computer chimes]
452
00:17:31,302 --> 00:17:33,261
You were right! Look, there's an email.
453
00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:37,201
Look at that. His name is Dustin.
454
00:17:37,293 --> 00:17:39,576
I like him already. He loves "pizzah."
455
00:17:39,611 --> 00:17:41,282
- So do I.
- Amazing.
456
00:17:41,282 --> 00:17:42,858
I'm gonna see if he can meet right now.
457
00:17:42,883 --> 00:17:44,763
Sweet, good idea.
458
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,371
[email whooshes]
459
00:17:46,372 --> 00:17:49,331
- Done.
- Phew!
460
00:17:49,332 --> 00:17:51,371
- [computer chimes]
- Whoa.
461
00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:52,913
He's in!
462
00:17:52,961 --> 00:17:54,307
And such a fast emailer.
463
00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:56,291
- Wow!
- [knocking on door]
464
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,251
Hey, fellas, come on in!
465
00:17:59,261 --> 00:18:01,062
Okay. Actually, man, we
should probably get going
466
00:18:01,062 --> 00:18:02,552
if we're gonna make
it to the fair in time.
467
00:18:02,553 --> 00:18:03,544
No problemo.
468
00:18:03,544 --> 00:18:05,443
I just gotta feed my
hamster upstairs first.
469
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:06,584
Make yourselves comfy.
470
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,494
- Yeah. Oh.
- Oh, that is springy.
471
00:18:09,495 --> 00:18:11,554
- Hey, he's cute, right?
- Yeah, he's super cute.
472
00:18:11,555 --> 00:18:13,434
- Yeah.
- I didn't expect that.
473
00:18:13,435 --> 00:18:15,089
- Yeah.
- He's really well-mannered, too.
474
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:16,808
He is. I like that he's
going up to feed his hamster.
475
00:18:16,808 --> 00:18:19,083
- It shows responsibility.
- That is true.
476
00:18:19,108 --> 00:18:20,494
Yeah. You know what?
477
00:18:20,748 --> 00:18:22,707
I think we kind of hit the jackpot here.
478
00:18:22,708 --> 00:18:23,807
- Yep.
- Cha-ching!
479
00:18:23,808 --> 00:18:26,372
Right? I'm excited!
480
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,224
- [grunts]
- Hello, gentlemen.
481
00:18:28,486 --> 00:18:30,450
- Sir.
- Oh, herro!
482
00:18:30,452 --> 00:18:31,511
Do you know who I am?
483
00:18:31,512 --> 00:18:33,332
Uh, I presume Dustin's dad.
484
00:18:33,427 --> 00:18:35,491
- Try again.
- Dustin's grandfather?
485
00:18:35,492 --> 00:18:37,501
My name is Chris Andersen.
486
00:18:37,502 --> 00:18:41,441
I'm the host of the show
"America's Dumbest Predators."
487
00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:45,502
[singing theme song]
488
00:18:47,572 --> 00:18:50,461
No?
489
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,561
Pac, this guy's creeping me out.
490
00:18:52,562 --> 00:18:54,971
Do you know how old Dustin is?
491
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:57,908
Uh, yeah, nosey.
492
00:18:57,933 --> 00:19:00,421
- He's 12, I think.
- He's actually 11.
493
00:19:00,422 --> 00:19:01,302
Sweet.
494
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,901
You know that makes what
you're doing here illegal?
495
00:19:02,902 --> 00:19:03,949
Uh, no. We were told
496
00:19:03,950 --> 00:19:05,742
that any child up to and
including the age of 12
497
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:07,608
- was totally fine.
- Fair game.
498
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:09,627
Soliciting sex from a minor?
499
00:19:09,628 --> 00:19:10,875
That's not what's going on here!
500
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,207
Sex?! What?! No!
501
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:15,389
We just... listen. We
just needed to get this kid
502
00:19:15,414 --> 00:19:16,503
to come back down to the city with us
503
00:19:16,504 --> 00:19:17,851
so we can test out a pair of underwear
504
00:19:17,876 --> 00:19:19,652
that rips off of his body easily.
505
00:19:20,141 --> 00:19:22,160
Okay, I'm hearing how that sounds now.
506
00:19:22,185 --> 00:19:23,841
I have here your email exchange
507
00:19:23,866 --> 00:19:25,845
- with young Dustin.
- Good. Proof.
508
00:19:25,846 --> 00:19:27,248
Here you ask him,
509
00:19:27,248 --> 00:19:30,185
"Are you cute in a way that
adults would find appealing?"
510
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,097
Yeah, because the judges
of the competition...
511
00:19:32,098 --> 00:19:35,793
Here you ask, "Do you
have good oral skills?"
512
00:19:35,896 --> 00:19:37,745
Well, yeah. One of the categories
513
00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:39,060
- includes an oral presentation.
- Yeah.
514
00:19:39,085 --> 00:19:42,131
And here you ask, "Dustin,
if we go all the way,
515
00:19:43,055 --> 00:19:46,024
could you fit the two
of us into your mouth?"
516
00:19:46,025 --> 00:19:48,934
Yeah, becau... wait. What?
517
00:19:48,935 --> 00:19:50,065
Let me see that.
518
00:19:53,257 --> 00:19:54,974
Oh, that was meant to say,
519
00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:56,505
"Could you fit the two
of us into your month?"
520
00:19:56,506 --> 00:19:58,466
Your month meaning that if
we actually win the Idea Fair,
521
00:19:58,467 --> 00:20:00,436
it'll probably be, like, a
month of meeting with investors.
522
00:20:00,437 --> 00:20:02,496
Hey, Clyde? I think we
should make a run for it.
523
00:20:02,497 --> 00:20:04,447
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
524
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:07,506
- Oh!
- Oh, no, no!
525
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,486
Okay. All right, I'm going!
526
00:20:09,487 --> 00:20:11,476
I'm gonna... ow, ow!
527
00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:13,446
Why does Clyde get to stand up?
528
00:20:13,447 --> 00:20:15,446
Ah, okay, all right.
529
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:18,446
- [laughing]
- Oh, God!
530
00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:20,376
I got ya,
531
00:20:20,377 --> 00:20:22,366
you lying motherfucker!
532
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:25,649
How does it feel to be
accused of pedophilia
533
00:20:25,674 --> 00:20:27,416
on national TV?
534
00:20:27,417 --> 00:20:30,376
You human sack of shit!
535
00:20:30,377 --> 00:20:31,796
Hey, Clyde!
536
00:20:31,876 --> 00:20:34,755
Now you really can say
537
00:20:34,780 --> 00:20:37,382
I've shown you my balls!
538
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:39,556
[screams]
539
00:20:39,557 --> 00:20:42,557
Technically, Clyde can't
see those, Mr. Fa...
540
00:20:45,497 --> 00:20:47,446
- Oh, never mind.
- What?
541
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,566
I'll tell you later.
542
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:50,476
Okay, let's get up.
543
00:20:50,477 --> 00:20:52,466
[grunts]
544
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:54,457
[groans]
545
00:20:58,417 --> 00:21:02,436
You're going away for
a long time, slutboy.
546
00:21:02,437 --> 00:21:05,728
547
00:21:06,035 --> 00:21:08,422
Dude, we are so lucky we're
not in prison right now.
548
00:21:08,447 --> 00:21:09,506
Yeah, I know.
549
00:21:09,507 --> 00:21:12,376
Buying ChrisAndersen.com eight years ago
550
00:21:12,377 --> 00:21:13,496
was the smartest thing I've ever done.
551
00:21:13,497 --> 00:21:16,386
- Yeah.
- Well, second smartest thing.
552
00:21:16,387 --> 00:21:17,546
What? What are you talking about?
553
00:21:17,547 --> 00:21:20,376
I think I finally cracked
the trillion-dollar idea.
554
00:21:20,599 --> 00:21:22,718
Oh, yeah, man, maybe we should just drop
555
00:21:22,761 --> 00:21:25,006
the whole wedgie-proof underwear thing.
556
00:21:25,007 --> 00:21:26,458
I'm not talking about
wedgie-proof underwear.
557
00:21:26,483 --> 00:21:28,473
I'm talking about this.
558
00:21:30,513 --> 00:21:32,622
What do you say, partner?
559
00:21:33,824 --> 00:21:36,402
Wanna go into unfinished
business with me?
560
00:21:36,403 --> 00:21:39,572
561
00:21:39,573 --> 00:21:42,512
- Come here, man!
- Aw! [chuckles]
562
00:21:42,513 --> 00:21:44,532
[grunts]
563
00:21:44,533 --> 00:21:46,452
How about we hit that two-man bong?
564
00:21:46,453 --> 00:21:48,482
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Yes!
565
00:21:48,483 --> 00:21:50,513
566
00:21:56,473 --> 00:21:58,483
567
00:21:58,507 --> 00:22:03,507
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
568
00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:08,107
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