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1
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,600
Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.
2
00:02:01,039 --> 00:02:03,939
Hey. It's Tom...
3
00:02:03,942 --> 00:02:05,842
Again. Um...
4
00:02:05,844 --> 00:02:08,044
Call me.
5
00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:13,079
Um... Hi, I'm Eli Wyckoff.
6
00:03:13,085 --> 00:03:14,585
I'm here for my test results.
7
00:03:14,587 --> 00:03:16,147
And you're about an hour early.
8
00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,856
Why don't you go get
yourself some coffee?
9
00:03:17,858 --> 00:03:20,158
Oh, I'm... I'm going
to wait, if that's ok.
10
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,060
Ok.
All right.
11
00:03:27,135 --> 00:03:29,175
This your first time?
12
00:03:29,871 --> 00:03:31,871
My... my first?
13
00:03:31,873 --> 00:03:34,108
No. No.
14
00:03:34,143 --> 00:03:39,043
I have this habit of getting
tested after every boy...
15
00:03:39,582 --> 00:03:42,117
guy that I ever...
You know.
16
00:03:42,152 --> 00:03:45,182
Well, there's only been
like 3 in the past few...
17
00:03:45,188 --> 00:03:49,819
Oh... This is the third, so
it's not really a habit...
18
00:03:49,827 --> 00:03:51,376
Yet.
Uh-huh
19
00:03:51,411 --> 00:03:52,991
Oh, no! It's not like I
think there's even a chance
20
00:03:52,997 --> 00:03:56,067
that I have... You know.
21
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:57,616
I know the dangers.
22
00:03:57,651 --> 00:03:59,232
I do the police blotter
for the Hollywood news,
23
00:03:59,237 --> 00:04:02,877
so... Me and danger
are like this.
24
00:04:02,912 --> 00:04:04,174
So why are you here?
25
00:04:06,011 --> 00:04:08,842
Feedback clinic.
This is Esther.
26
00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:10,648
Uh-huh...
27
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,790
Well, did you suck his dick?
28
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,087
Then you better come in.
29
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,859
Ok.
30
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,057
Hi, I'm Tom.
31
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,163
And... I'm an alcoholic.
32
00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:26,065
Hi, Tom.
33
00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:29,335
So, um...
34
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:32,038
I'm 10 days away from my 30-day chip.
35
00:04:40,350 --> 00:04:42,920
Yeah, um... Anyway.
36
00:04:44,354 --> 00:04:46,622
Both my parents are drunks.
37
00:04:46,657 --> 00:04:53,088
But, um... I still don't
feel like I belong here.
38
00:04:53,097 --> 00:04:54,857
You know?
39
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,031
I mean, I go to flea markets.
40
00:04:58,037 --> 00:05:05,067
I vote. Even for, like, school
board and... and prop... whatever.
41
00:05:05,077 --> 00:05:06,978
I-I-I'm a special ed teacher,
for Christ's sake.
42
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:10,114
It's not like I'm this
Hollywood has-been,
43
00:05:10,149 --> 00:05:13,309
crouched in an airport bathroom,
sucking on a can of final net.
44
00:05:14,088 --> 00:05:18,198
So... Why am I here?
45
00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:21,995
The truth?
46
00:05:23,765 --> 00:05:26,095
Truth is, I met a guy.
47
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:33,341
And if... I had to pick
a... I don't know, a trigger,
48
00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:37,146
you know, I'd... I'd have to say
it was all over this guy.
49
00:05:38,181 --> 00:05:43,012
But, whatever. You know what?
Who cares... How it happened.
50
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:45,390
Bottom line is I'm here.
51
00:05:47,024 --> 00:05:48,425
And I quit drinking... And guys,
52
00:05:48,426 --> 00:05:51,226
because I can't be trusted
with either!
53
00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:56,864
Thanks.
54
00:06:00,072 --> 00:06:01,950
Nice going.
55
00:06:01,985 --> 00:06:03,790
Oh. Ha ha.
56
00:06:03,825 --> 00:06:05,436
Yeah, well, I'll get it
right one of these times.
57
00:06:05,445 --> 00:06:07,145
It sounded right to me.
58
00:06:07,146 --> 00:06:08,846
It's like you were telling my story.
59
00:06:08,849 --> 00:06:10,431
Yeah?
Yeah.
60
00:06:10,466 --> 00:06:12,076
Well, I shared first, so I
get dibs on the book rights.
61
00:06:12,085 --> 00:06:13,446
That's fair.
62
00:06:13,454 --> 00:06:15,054
So tell me about the guy.
63
00:06:15,056 --> 00:06:18,886
Uh, you know what? No. I
don't want to keep you from...
64
00:06:18,893 --> 00:06:20,342
What? From what?
65
00:06:20,377 --> 00:06:21,858
The important things in life,
66
00:06:21,862 --> 00:06:23,342
like stapling or filing?
67
00:06:23,346 --> 00:06:24,836
Oh, please! I couldn't be more bored.
68
00:06:24,871 --> 00:06:25,833
So this thing with that guy?
69
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,768
You seem pretty healthy with it.
70
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,004
Only to the sight-
and hearing-impaired.
71
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,070
Pull up your chair, honey.
72
00:06:32,075 --> 00:06:35,075
This one?
Yeah. Move up.
73
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:43,010
So, you and your
boyfriend. You broke up.
74
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:44,420
Oh, boyfriend.
I don't know.
75
00:06:44,421 --> 00:06:46,772
I don't know.
76
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:49,124
I don't know, but... but
things just got too...
77
00:06:49,127 --> 00:06:50,060
Too!
78
00:06:50,095 --> 00:06:52,095
You know?
And I choked.
79
00:06:52,097 --> 00:06:53,327
I'm an alcoholic.
You do the math.
80
00:06:53,331 --> 00:06:56,532
We met on a blind date,
which sucked.
81
00:06:56,536 --> 00:06:59,036
Then we became friends, and...
82
00:06:59,038 --> 00:07:00,438
Now we don't speak
to each other.
83
00:07:00,439 --> 00:07:02,657
So, a happy ending.
84
00:07:02,692 --> 00:07:04,875
How did we meet.
85
00:07:04,878 --> 00:07:06,208
It all started with
this phone call
86
00:07:06,213 --> 00:07:08,243
from my best friend, Jackie.
87
00:07:09,116 --> 00:07:11,347
Tom! Pick up.
88
00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:15,192
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
89
00:07:16,057 --> 00:07:17,557
Damn it. Where are you?
90
00:07:17,559 --> 00:07:19,358
I'm at a pay phone,
'cause I can't get
91
00:07:19,393 --> 00:07:21,158
my piece of shit
cell phone to work
92
00:07:21,163 --> 00:07:23,203
unless I'm standing on my
head with my fingers up my ass.
93
00:07:23,238 --> 00:07:25,199
Whoo hoo! Yeah!
94
00:07:25,201 --> 00:07:26,834
Fuck you!
95
00:07:26,869 --> 00:07:28,904
Anyway, um... Listen.
96
00:07:28,939 --> 00:07:31,139
Uh, what are you doing
Friday night?
97
00:07:31,141 --> 00:07:32,341
'Cause I just met
this guy Brett
98
00:07:32,342 --> 00:07:33,842
at a furniture store on Montana,
99
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:36,915
and he showed me this great
love seat to die for,
100
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:39,154
and I think I could
get it wholesale.
101
00:07:39,189 --> 00:07:43,020
There's just, um, one catch.
102
00:08:10,385 --> 00:08:11,915
An-an-any luck?
103
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,320
Oh! Uh... With?
104
00:08:14,322 --> 00:08:16,222
Oh, I don't know.
I just figured by now
105
00:08:16,223 --> 00:08:18,124
you'd be looking for change
beneath the seat cushions.
106
00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:20,146
Oh, God.
You did... you saw me?
107
00:08:20,181 --> 00:08:21,752
Um, yeah, no.
The whole routine.
108
00:08:21,787 --> 00:08:23,324
The little dance thing.
109
00:08:23,332 --> 00:08:24,892
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
110
00:08:24,901 --> 00:08:26,161
Now I'm thoroughly mortified.
111
00:08:26,168 --> 00:08:27,369
No, you're fine.
112
00:08:27,371 --> 00:08:28,641
Don't... don't... don't
worry about it.
113
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:29,872
Well, I know.
But now it's, um,
114
00:08:29,907 --> 00:08:32,507
it's your turn to do
something humiliating.
115
00:08:32,509 --> 00:08:35,310
Oh, well, I... I work
in a furniture store,
116
00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:37,373
so I've pretty much
covered those bases.
117
00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:40,249
Well, hello! Hey.
118
00:08:40,284 --> 00:08:42,314
What's humiliating about
an employee discount, right?
119
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,920
Which, by the way,
120
00:08:43,955 --> 00:08:45,585
does that apply to this
sort of wheelie cartie thing?
121
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,275
'Cause this is yummy. Right. Look.
122
00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:48,959
"A"... I get 10% off of this crap,
123
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:51,945
and "B"... you know, I don't...
I don't know if the whole
124
00:08:51,980 --> 00:08:54,928
clockwork orange come IKEA
thing is really your scene?
125
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:55,595
Honestly.
126
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,902
Quite a salesman.
127
00:08:57,903 --> 00:09:00,204
Yeah, I don't even know
what half this shit is.
128
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,407
Ok. Great.
129
00:09:01,409 --> 00:09:03,742
Well, you know what, though?
130
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,137
My heart does kind of beat
faster for this love seat.
131
00:09:06,147 --> 00:09:07,147
Oh, you're kidding!
132
00:09:07,148 --> 00:09:09,429
Why? Do you hate it?
133
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:11,724
No, I... it's the only thing
in the store that's mine.
134
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,980
Yours?
135
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:14,247
Uh, one of my designs, yeah.
136
00:09:14,256 --> 00:09:16,237
Oh! You're a designer.
137
00:09:16,272 --> 00:09:18,220
Yeah, yeah.
No, this...
138
00:09:18,227 --> 00:09:19,497
this was one of my
first projects.
139
00:09:19,532 --> 00:09:21,735
Well, I love it.
Thank you.
140
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,231
Uh, what is the color?
141
00:09:23,232 --> 00:09:24,732
Sort of a yellow, beige, yellow...
142
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:25,903
buttercup.
143
00:09:25,938 --> 00:09:27,484
Buttercup?
144
00:09:27,519 --> 00:09:29,031
Buttercup.
145
00:09:32,343 --> 00:09:33,443
I'm... I'm not gay. Ok?
146
00:09:33,444 --> 00:09:35,095
Just 'cause I say
butter... you know.
147
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:36,746
You know, I have this
argument with Eli all the time.
148
00:09:36,748 --> 00:09:37,897
God damn it, man.
149
00:09:37,932 --> 00:09:39,112
You know, honestly, just
'cause I say buttercup
150
00:09:39,117 --> 00:09:40,166
doesn't mean I'm gay, you know?
151
00:09:40,201 --> 00:09:41,281
Or I used to be gay,
or I want to be gay.
152
00:09:41,286 --> 00:09:43,837
Not gay, you know, just very...
153
00:09:43,839 --> 00:09:46,389
Particular about the nomenclature
I use regarding my palette.
154
00:09:46,392 --> 00:09:49,392
And, uh, who's Eli?
The boyfriend?
155
00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:51,046
Right! No, no.
156
00:09:51,047 --> 00:09:52,697
He's my... he's my, you
know, he's my best friend,
157
00:09:52,699 --> 00:09:54,569
who happens...
happens to be gay.
158
00:09:54,604 --> 00:09:56,698
Well, you know what I think?
159
00:09:56,703 --> 00:09:58,884
I think you're one
of those guys who,
160
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,079
you know, sort of flirts with a
girl, maybe even takes her to dinner,
161
00:10:01,114 --> 00:10:02,575
and then, you know,
when push comes to shove,
162
00:10:02,577 --> 00:10:05,407
the only frenching you'll be
doing with her are her braids.
163
00:10:05,413 --> 00:10:06,673
Well! That's
pretty sassy.
164
00:10:06,681 --> 00:10:08,422
So you've been braided a lot recently?
165
00:10:08,457 --> 00:10:09,617
No, I... look,
I know gay men.
166
00:10:09,618 --> 00:10:11,251
Ok? I practically invented them. Oh, ok.
167
00:10:11,286 --> 00:10:13,216
You know? And there's no
such thing as a straight guy
168
00:10:13,222 --> 00:10:16,123
with a gay best friend
he's not fucking.
169
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:18,676
Hey! Don't give me that
look, all right? What?
170
00:10:18,678 --> 00:10:21,228
My friend Tom... who by the way,
is single, if you're interested...
171
00:10:21,231 --> 00:10:22,863
yeah, he's the first to agree.
172
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:24,559
Right, right. Uh, ok.
Well, thanks for the tip.
173
00:10:24,568 --> 00:10:27,498
I'm not particularly
interested in... in... in Tom.
174
00:10:27,505 --> 00:10:32,416
Uh, unless, of course,
I mean, he has your eyes.
175
00:10:40,218 --> 00:10:42,379
So, there's actually a chance
that he didn't hate my guts,
176
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:48,088
and I could be having his children
on that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.
177
00:10:48,094 --> 00:10:49,425
Which is where you come in.
178
00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:51,390
I was like, great!
179
00:10:51,398 --> 00:10:53,368
I figured next she'll be asking me
to blow some guy for 3-day blinds.
180
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,431
You know in the movies,
181
00:10:56,435 --> 00:10:57,966
when a guy's in the supermarket
182
00:10:57,970 --> 00:10:59,500
and he accidentally bumps shopping
carts with the love of his life?
183
00:10:59,507 --> 00:11:00,990
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well.
184
00:11:01,025 --> 00:11:02,509
The last few times
I bumped carts with anyone,
185
00:11:02,544 --> 00:11:05,374
they looked like they were
fresh off the special bus.
186
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:08,281
That is why I let
my friends fix me up.
187
00:11:14,458 --> 00:11:18,458
Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.
188
00:11:18,462 --> 00:11:19,692
Eli, you there?
189
00:11:19,696 --> 00:11:21,426
Buddy? Hello, hello.
190
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,132
That's right. There's
an x-files marathon on.
191
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:26,837
I cannot believe I'm friends
with a trekkie. It's pathetic.
192
00:11:26,838 --> 00:11:28,468
Ok, I am not a trekkie. You got that?
193
00:11:28,473 --> 00:11:29,803
I just like
the x-files.
194
00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,738
I believe the truth is
out there. Don't you?
195
00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:33,583
Yeah, whatever.
Look, man. I, uh...
196
00:11:33,618 --> 00:11:34,579
Fully hooked you up.
197
00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:36,410
You have a date
on Friday night.
198
00:11:36,415 --> 00:11:38,315
What a minute.
What?!
199
00:11:38,317 --> 00:11:39,618
Mmm, yep, that's right.
200
00:11:39,619 --> 00:11:40,919
Your losing streak
is over, my man.
201
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,220
He's, uh, a total stud,
like a big guy.
202
00:11:42,222 --> 00:11:43,322
Ok, you always say that.
203
00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:44,371
It's like entry level.
204
00:11:44,406 --> 00:11:45,420
It means he's got nipples.
205
00:11:45,424 --> 00:11:46,464
For you, that'd be
a step up.
206
00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,090
Ha ha. That's funny.
207
00:11:48,094 --> 00:11:49,734
Anyway, like, uh, his, uh, his
friend Jackie came into the store.
208
00:11:49,769 --> 00:11:51,430
I completely hit
it off. Yikes!
209
00:11:51,432 --> 00:11:53,902
Let me tell you. She's
got unbelievable k. B.
210
00:11:53,937 --> 00:11:55,543
What is that? Killer butt? No.
211
00:11:55,578 --> 00:11:57,150
Killer boobs.
212
00:11:57,154 --> 00:11:58,744
Anyway, she told me
about her friend Tom.
213
00:11:58,779 --> 00:11:59,900
Uh, sounds like a nice guy.
214
00:11:59,908 --> 00:12:01,668
I, uh, I told...
I lied, basically.
215
00:12:01,676 --> 00:12:02,776
I said you were a great guy.
216
00:12:02,777 --> 00:12:04,127
Told her about you.
That's really nice.
217
00:12:04,128 --> 00:12:05,479
And now you two have to
go out on Friday night.
218
00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:06,881
Ok, wait a minute,
says who? That's...
219
00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:08,413
Hold on. Someone's
at the door.
220
00:12:08,417 --> 00:12:09,957
Actually, you know what? Can
I... can I call you right back?
221
00:12:09,992 --> 00:12:11,481
I just showed up at my
loser gay friend's place.
222
00:12:11,487 --> 00:12:13,076
I'll call you back.
223
00:12:13,111 --> 00:12:14,731
That's funny.
It's mainly junk.
224
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,354
Umm, anyway, look. I know it
didn't go all so, you know,
225
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,420
that well the last time
with, uh... Richard, was it?
226
00:12:19,429 --> 00:12:21,660
Rita! From ups.
She was a woman!
227
00:12:21,666 --> 00:12:23,685
Whatever, you know.
She was still gay.
228
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,946
That's your problem.
You're so picky.
229
00:12:25,981 --> 00:12:28,173
Anyway, you yourself
said she had k. B.
230
00:12:28,208 --> 00:12:29,934
Killer... Boobs?
No, butt.
231
00:12:29,941 --> 00:12:31,701
Ok, you know, the whole
initial thing? It's got to stop.
232
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,580
And p. S. I never said
k. B. I said k. G. B.
233
00:12:34,615 --> 00:12:36,680
Killer garlic breath. Oh.
234
00:12:36,682 --> 00:12:37,842
Whatever. Look.
235
00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:39,684
The bottom line is,
236
00:12:39,719 --> 00:12:41,553
I made a reservation
for you, for Tom,
237
00:12:41,588 --> 00:12:43,658
Friday night at Nick's,
8:00. Be there or be square.
238
00:12:43,693 --> 00:12:45,287
Ok, you know, I hate
it when people say that,
239
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:46,653
'cause even when I'm
there, I'm square,
240
00:12:46,661 --> 00:12:48,093
so what is the incentive?
241
00:12:48,128 --> 00:12:49,562
Well, he's a teacher.
Sounds like a great guy.
242
00:12:49,597 --> 00:12:51,667
Maybe you'll get lucky. You'll
have to stay after class.
243
00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:52,796
All right? Detention?
244
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,633
You like that sort
of thing, don't you?
245
00:12:54,668 --> 00:12:56,539
The discipline, the gravity
boots, the whole thing.
246
00:12:56,574 --> 00:12:57,268
You're welcome.
247
00:12:57,272 --> 00:12:59,442
Of course, you went?
248
00:12:59,477 --> 00:13:01,541
Yep. I went.
249
00:13:56,372 --> 00:13:58,602
Believe me, I didn't
have high hopes for this date.
250
00:13:58,607 --> 00:14:01,191
Well, you didn't
have anything to lose.
251
00:14:01,226 --> 00:14:03,777
I know. Honestly, all
I kept thinking was,
252
00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:05,580
"I hope he doesn't smoke."
253
00:14:10,888 --> 00:14:12,188
Uh, I'm going to...
254
00:14:12,189 --> 00:14:13,489
I'm going to go up to the
bar and get another drink.
255
00:14:13,491 --> 00:14:14,941
You want... you want
something?
256
00:14:14,942 --> 00:14:16,392
Yes, yes. I'll have
another seltzer with lime.
257
00:14:16,394 --> 00:14:17,224
Seltzer with lime.
258
00:14:17,227 --> 00:14:18,057
Make it a white wine spritzer.
259
00:14:18,062 --> 00:14:19,463
Spritzer. Got it.
260
00:14:19,464 --> 00:14:22,394
On second thought,
can I get a, uh, 7 & 7?
261
00:14:22,401 --> 00:14:24,185
Rocks with a twist.
262
00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:25,969
Ok. Are you sure?
263
00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:27,571
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I always get a 7 & 7.
264
00:14:27,573 --> 00:14:29,175
Oh, hi. Yeah. We're
going to have a...
265
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:30,778
Absolut Martini,
straight up, two olives.
266
00:14:30,813 --> 00:14:32,777
Make it a little dirty.
267
00:14:35,381 --> 00:14:36,382
You?
268
00:14:36,383 --> 00:14:38,423
Uh...
269
00:15:01,545 --> 00:15:03,445
Do you like movies?
270
00:15:04,815 --> 00:15:05,945
Yeah, I like movies.
271
00:15:05,949 --> 00:15:07,999
Yeah, me too.
272
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,051
I think it was gay night on
cable last night, 'cause I...
273
00:15:10,054 --> 00:15:12,424
In and out was on again.
274
00:15:13,791 --> 00:15:15,141
Uh-huh.
275
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:16,500
Nah, I just thought
it was great, you know,
276
00:15:16,535 --> 00:15:17,854
to see a movie like that,
with two guys.
277
00:15:17,863 --> 00:15:20,963
Not with two guys.
278
00:15:20,965 --> 00:15:24,065
You know, with two guys who...
You know... In the movie.
279
00:15:24,703 --> 00:15:26,634
I hated it.
280
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:28,373
Oh. Yeah. No. Me too.
281
00:15:28,408 --> 00:15:32,048
I just... Thought
it was light... Fun.
282
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:33,445
Fun?
283
00:15:33,446 --> 00:15:36,077
Yeah.
284
00:15:36,082 --> 00:15:38,722
Fun to see Kevin kline get on
his sorry-assed, middle-aged knees
285
00:15:38,757 --> 00:15:40,549
and give us a big ole
Hollywood blow job
286
00:15:40,554 --> 00:15:43,455
by catering to every
cliched, homophobic,
287
00:15:43,458 --> 00:15:45,758
stereotypical idea of
what it means to be gay?
288
00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:48,695
Without having the
decency or the courtesy
289
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:52,531
or... or even just the balls to
drop a little trou' and show us his.
290
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,435
Wait a minute.
Come on. I don't know.
291
00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:56,838
I thought it was
nice to see a guy
292
00:15:56,839 --> 00:15:58,769
coming out to his
family, his friends.
293
00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:01,106
Not to mention his fiance. His fiance?
294
00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:02,611
The loser bitch has been
waiting her whole life
295
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:05,547
to marry this Nelly,
Barbara-loving, self-hating,
296
00:16:05,582 --> 00:16:08,783
geriatric English teacher
who can't get it up for her.
297
00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:10,747
And we're supposed
to feel sorry for her?
298
00:16:10,755 --> 00:16:13,455
Awww. No fucking way.
I mean, you do the math.
299
00:16:13,458 --> 00:16:16,589
Where the hell is the
waiter with my drink?
300
00:16:17,596 --> 00:16:19,566
You want anything?
301
00:16:20,833 --> 00:16:23,803
I'm not even going
to mention birdcage.
302
00:16:29,443 --> 00:16:30,776
Can I get a diet coke? Sure.
303
00:16:30,811 --> 00:16:34,212
All right. What was your
favorite movie of all time?
304
00:16:34,215 --> 00:16:37,650
Let's just... Let's
just start with that.
305
00:16:37,685 --> 00:16:40,215
You know what? I'm not a big
fan of the favorites game,
306
00:16:40,221 --> 00:16:42,882
so why don't you go first?
307
00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:46,760
Oh. Ok. Um...
308
00:16:46,795 --> 00:16:49,625
Well, I know it sounds corny and cliche,
309
00:16:49,631 --> 00:16:53,132
but I have to say
gone with the wind.
310
00:16:53,870 --> 00:16:55,037
I never saw it.
311
00:16:55,072 --> 00:16:56,204
Yeah, right.
312
00:16:56,205 --> 00:16:57,805
I didn't. I... I never
saw gone with the wind.
313
00:16:57,807 --> 00:16:59,808
You're kidding, right? No.
314
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,758
I'm not kidding.
Come on.
315
00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:03,706
I... I never saw the movie.
316
00:17:03,713 --> 00:17:05,173
You never saw the movie? No. I never...
317
00:17:05,182 --> 00:17:08,953
ok, fine. Do you want me to
tell you that I saw the movie?
318
00:17:08,954 --> 00:17:10,544
I will.
I saw the movie.
319
00:17:10,555 --> 00:17:11,915
It was the best movie
I've ever seen.
320
00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:15,494
Especially, especially
that part where red buttons
321
00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:17,185
is up on the hill
with Charlotte.
322
00:17:17,196 --> 00:17:19,256
Oh, my God.
You are scaring me!
323
00:17:19,265 --> 00:17:20,925
What... what do you
want me to say?
324
00:17:20,933 --> 00:17:24,274
I'm not a big fan of
black-and-white movies.
325
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:29,242
Relax, would you?
Relax.
326
00:17:30,811 --> 00:17:34,512
I saw fame like 15 times.
Does that help?
327
00:17:37,285 --> 00:17:39,755
Well, it's a start.
328
00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:47,861
Wow, k. E.
329
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:49,091
What?
What?
330
00:17:49,099 --> 00:17:51,859
What... what did you
just say?
331
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:52,950
Nothing.
332
00:17:52,985 --> 00:17:54,105
Yeah, you just said something.
333
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,019
No, n-no I didn't.
334
00:17:55,054 --> 00:17:56,004
Yeah, you did.
You said, "k. E."
335
00:17:56,006 --> 00:17:58,107
What... what...
what is that?
336
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:04,310
It... it's nothing. It's...
it's nothing. It... It's stupid.
337
00:18:04,315 --> 00:18:07,146
It's initial talk. Brett and
I have been doing it for years.
338
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:10,112
It is so stupid. It
means nothing. Trust me.
339
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:11,182
Right, so I just took a hit.
340
00:18:11,189 --> 00:18:13,093
No, no, no!
You didn't. Tom.
341
00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:14,999
Believe me.
I swear to you.
342
00:18:15,034 --> 00:18:16,924
Oh. Damn it.
343
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:25,134
It means...
Killer eyes, ok?
344
00:18:35,150 --> 00:18:37,020
You know what?
I- I-I'm going to go.
345
00:18:37,055 --> 00:18:39,119
It's late, and uh...
Yeah.
346
00:18:39,121 --> 00:18:41,941
Yeah, let's... let's
you and I go.
347
00:18:41,976 --> 00:18:44,761
On our way. Ways!
On our ways.
348
00:18:44,796 --> 00:18:45,893
Separate.
You and me.
349
00:18:45,928 --> 00:18:48,359
You know. Here,
let's split it.
350
00:18:48,365 --> 00:18:49,797
No, I got it,
I got it, I got it.
351
00:18:49,832 --> 00:18:51,266
No. Let's split it.
No, I want to do this.
352
00:18:51,301 --> 00:18:53,101
Please. I don't want to
do that. Just let me pay.
353
00:18:53,103 --> 00:18:55,385
Let me just split it. Let me do this!
354
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:57,669
Let me just pay for my own. Just go!
355
00:18:57,675 --> 00:18:58,975
Going.
356
00:19:00,144 --> 00:19:02,612
He hated me. It's like
I activated his gag reflex.
357
00:19:02,647 --> 00:19:05,082
That is the last time I
will let you fix me up.
358
00:19:05,084 --> 00:19:07,134
You got that?
Take it in.
359
00:19:07,135 --> 00:19:09,185
Next date I go on is going to
cost me $2.00 for the first minute
360
00:19:09,188 --> 00:19:10,848
and $1.50 each
additional minute.
361
00:19:10,856 --> 00:19:12,256
Did he say anything
about me and Jackie?
362
00:19:12,257 --> 00:19:13,858
What? No,
it didn't come up.
363
00:19:13,860 --> 00:19:16,060
Are you sure the guy
was even gay?
364
00:19:16,062 --> 00:19:17,695
Are you kidding?
365
00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:19,390
I don't know. You
know... With you...
366
00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:21,860
How many straight guys you
know pretend they're gay?
367
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:22,969
Besides you?
Hello!
368
00:19:23,004 --> 00:19:24,434
You sure he didn't
say anything about me?
369
00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:26,205
Hey, you want eggs? I can
easily add an egg to this.
370
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,973
Can I have eggs? Are
there eggs? Are there eggs?
371
00:19:27,975 --> 00:19:29,976
You have to relax. You're
becoming a crazy person.
372
00:19:29,978 --> 00:19:31,778
You've been whipping
for 20 minutes.
373
00:19:31,813 --> 00:19:33,643
Your mother told me you
were going to be like this.
374
00:19:33,649 --> 00:19:35,649
My mom called you again?
375
00:19:35,651 --> 00:19:36,641
What did you tell her?
376
00:19:36,652 --> 00:19:38,313
No, she's concerned about you.
377
00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:40,521
You never... you never
talk to the woman.
378
00:19:40,522 --> 00:19:42,722
You know? She thinks
you're becoming a big loser.
379
00:19:42,892 --> 00:19:44,402
Oh, that's...
That's nice.
380
00:19:44,409 --> 00:19:45,930
That's great. Thanks. Thanks for that.
381
00:19:45,965 --> 00:19:47,721
Easy for her to say.
382
00:19:47,756 --> 00:19:49,442
I know what's out there.
383
00:19:49,477 --> 00:19:51,121
Guys with bad
fucking hair plugs,
384
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:52,836
staples in their dicks,
beanie baby collections,
385
00:19:52,871 --> 00:19:54,297
or worse.
Worse?
386
00:19:54,305 --> 00:19:56,515
Oh, there's worse.
387
00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,743
Oh, come on. It'll be
so much better next time.
388
00:19:58,778 --> 00:20:01,343
There won't be a next time.
389
00:20:01,378 --> 00:20:04,009
Unless his name is Ben,
Jerry, or Jose cuervo.
390
00:20:04,016 --> 00:20:07,376
Uh-huh. Like you haven't
already had those guys.
391
00:20:07,386 --> 00:20:09,346
And their brothers.
392
00:20:09,355 --> 00:20:12,216
Haven't you ever wondered
what it's like to be with
393
00:20:12,225 --> 00:20:15,095
the same guy for more than...
Oh, I don't know... 5 minutes?
394
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:19,305
With the guys I meet,
5 minutes is all it takes.
395
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,034
Charming.
396
00:20:21,069 --> 00:20:23,229
Ok, but more importantly,
397
00:20:23,237 --> 00:20:26,767
mmm... What did Eli
say about me?
398
00:20:26,774 --> 00:20:29,075
Is it going to
happen with Brett?
399
00:20:29,078 --> 00:20:31,078
No idea.
Didn't mention it.
400
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,010
Oh.
401
00:20:33,015 --> 00:20:35,215
Like I care.
402
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:37,011
But maybe I should call Brett, and just,
403
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:40,420
you know, find out what
Eli said about your date.
404
00:20:40,423 --> 00:20:42,357
Couldn't care less.
405
00:20:42,392 --> 00:20:46,123
Right. Right. We officially don't care.
406
00:20:46,130 --> 00:20:48,130
I get it... Yeah.
407
00:20:48,132 --> 00:20:52,062
I definitely am
not going to call.
408
00:20:52,069 --> 00:20:53,719
Where you going?
409
00:20:53,754 --> 00:20:55,434
Uh... Home. To
officially not call.
410
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,340
No, no, no, no. You were
supposed to stay here
411
00:20:57,375 --> 00:21:00,175
and watch lifetime television
for women and gay men.
412
00:21:00,178 --> 00:21:01,629
Uh... No.
413
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:03,080
It's Joan van arc in
not without my nose job.
414
00:21:03,082 --> 00:21:06,182
Oh, angel. I've already
lived that movie.
415
00:21:06,185 --> 00:21:08,785
All that shit people say
about finding "the one"?
416
00:21:08,788 --> 00:21:10,089
I'm sick of it.
417
00:21:10,090 --> 00:21:11,790
Tom certainly isn't.
418
00:21:11,825 --> 00:21:14,255
I don't ever think I'm
going to meet the guy who is.
419
00:21:14,261 --> 00:21:15,994
You know, your whole problem is
420
00:21:16,029 --> 00:21:17,799
there's no such thing
as "the one." Ok?
421
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:18,919
You're such a liar!
422
00:21:18,922 --> 00:21:20,043
Like two seconds
ago, you told me how
423
00:21:20,078 --> 00:21:21,165
you think this girl
Jackie is the one.
424
00:21:21,169 --> 00:21:22,819
I met her one time.
425
00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:24,470
I said she could be the one or one of
the ones. There's not just one "one."
426
00:21:24,472 --> 00:21:25,972
You know, there's
fractions of one,
427
00:21:26,007 --> 00:21:27,508
there's halves of one,
there's quarters of one.
428
00:21:27,510 --> 00:21:30,280
You know, the idea is about
making yourself open to someone,
429
00:21:30,315 --> 00:21:33,379
you know, perhaps
Tom becoming the one.
430
00:21:34,885 --> 00:21:37,035
Are you coming to the flea
market with me tomorrow?
431
00:21:37,070 --> 00:21:39,250
No, sweetie, by tomorrow, I'm
hoping to actually have plans
432
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,816
with a man who will
appreciate me for my body, ok?
433
00:21:41,825 --> 00:21:45,196
Not just my brains and
wit and sense of style.
434
00:21:45,231 --> 00:21:46,796
So dad's in town?
435
00:21:46,798 --> 00:21:48,058
You're disgusting.
436
00:21:48,065 --> 00:21:50,047
Why don't you take a
date to the flea market?
437
00:21:50,082 --> 00:21:52,031
Oh! Ok, that is why you never go steady.
438
00:21:52,037 --> 00:21:56,047
I haven't gone steady since the
seventh grade. You do the math.
439
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:58,211
Besides, he kept saying,
"you do the math,"
440
00:21:58,246 --> 00:22:00,341
even when it made no
sense. What a turn-off.
441
00:22:00,346 --> 00:22:01,737
What's the turn-on?
442
00:22:01,772 --> 00:22:03,192
According to your mother,
you haven't had a hard-on
443
00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:04,626
since she first took
you to see the nutcracker
444
00:22:04,661 --> 00:22:06,121
at the Jewish community
center in first grade.
445
00:22:06,156 --> 00:22:07,582
Stop talking to my
mother about my sex life.
446
00:22:07,587 --> 00:22:09,287
What sex life?
I have one.
447
00:22:09,322 --> 00:22:11,052
Uh-huh. Right. Ok, you know, it counts.
448
00:22:11,058 --> 00:22:12,942
I spent 10 years learning
which buttons to push,
449
00:22:12,977 --> 00:22:14,827
now I just have to look
at myself and I come.
450
00:22:14,829 --> 00:22:16,199
Eww.
451
00:23:11,125 --> 00:23:12,225
Hey!
452
00:23:12,226 --> 00:23:16,467
Hey! Hey, uh...
How are you doing?
453
00:23:16,502 --> 00:23:18,198
Good. Good.
How are you?
454
00:23:18,233 --> 00:23:21,233
Yeah. Good. Good, good. Good.
455
00:23:21,236 --> 00:23:24,107
You, um...
You look good.
456
00:23:24,142 --> 00:23:26,207
God... Thanks.
457
00:23:26,209 --> 00:23:28,469
No, no, no. Really.
458
00:23:28,478 --> 00:23:31,288
So, what, you were lying the first time?
459
00:23:31,323 --> 00:23:33,382
What? No!
No, no, no. I...
460
00:23:33,384 --> 00:23:35,117
you got that fresh,
Sunday morning,
461
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:37,482
read the paper, cup
of coffee kinda look.
462
00:23:37,488 --> 00:23:39,188
Yeah, and here I
thought I had that stale,
463
00:23:39,189 --> 00:23:40,189
Sunday morning hangover,
464
00:23:40,224 --> 00:23:43,255
choke on my own
vomit thing going.
465
00:23:47,232 --> 00:23:48,492
What are you, uh,
what are you here for?
466
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:49,971
You looking for
anything in particular?
467
00:23:50,006 --> 00:23:51,969
Um, yeah, yeah, actually,
468
00:23:52,004 --> 00:23:54,004
I'm looking for
a vintage Martini set.
469
00:23:54,006 --> 00:23:58,307
You know, the shaker and the
glasses and the whole thing.
470
00:23:58,312 --> 00:24:00,012
Huh.
471
00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:03,517
How about you? You
just... You just browsing?
472
00:24:03,552 --> 00:24:05,450
Me? Are you kidding?
I go nuts.
473
00:24:05,485 --> 00:24:09,416
I have to look for one
thing and just one thing.
474
00:24:09,424 --> 00:24:10,984
And that would be what?
475
00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:14,963
Hmm? A bathroom,
actually.
476
00:24:14,964 --> 00:24:15,996
Shit. They probably
don't have
477
00:24:16,031 --> 00:24:17,531
bathrooms at a place
like this, right?
478
00:24:17,532 --> 00:24:19,032
Probably just porta-potties.
God, I hate those.
479
00:24:19,034 --> 00:24:20,504
You know, my parents had
to rent like 4 of them
480
00:24:20,539 --> 00:24:22,502
for my sister's bat mitzvah.
481
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:25,475
Come on. You didn't come
here looking for a bathroom.
482
00:24:25,510 --> 00:24:27,315
I didn't?
483
00:24:31,549 --> 00:24:35,449
Ok, I'm looking for an original
Cornelius action figure,
484
00:24:35,453 --> 00:24:38,023
you know, from
planet of the apes?
485
00:24:39,156 --> 00:24:41,667
What, you're yanking
my chain, right?
486
00:24:41,702 --> 00:24:42,720
Yeah, actually, no, I'm not,
487
00:24:42,728 --> 00:24:44,288
and I really hate
that expression,
488
00:24:44,296 --> 00:24:45,528
but you know, it was
good seeing you.
489
00:24:45,563 --> 00:24:46,760
I'll see you around.
No, no! No, don't.
490
00:24:46,765 --> 00:24:49,000
Come on, come on. Grow a
sense of humor, will ya?
491
00:24:49,035 --> 00:24:51,235
I'm not... you're funny!
I'm not laughing at...
492
00:24:51,237 --> 00:24:54,407
no, not funny bad.
You're funny good.
493
00:24:54,442 --> 00:24:56,208
Funny good. Look.
494
00:24:56,243 --> 00:24:58,073
Why don't we go grab
a cup of coffee,
495
00:24:58,078 --> 00:25:00,348
and then I'll help you
go look for your dollie.
496
00:25:00,383 --> 00:25:02,138
Action figure!
497
00:25:02,173 --> 00:25:03,993
So, is it just the apes or
do you have Betsy wetsy, too?
498
00:25:03,999 --> 00:25:05,828
Because Jackie didn't tell me
that you were a doll collector.
499
00:25:05,863 --> 00:25:07,656
Interesting. You know, Brett
didn't tell me you were an asshole.
500
00:25:10,125 --> 00:25:13,456
Speaking of which,
what's up with those two?
501
00:25:24,341 --> 00:25:25,873
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
502
00:25:25,908 --> 00:25:27,406
Uh, so...
503
00:25:27,411 --> 00:25:29,580
I, um, I thought
you should know,
504
00:25:29,615 --> 00:25:31,750
they, uh, they hated
each other.
505
00:25:32,150 --> 00:25:36,790
Oh. Oh, right, uh, more
than life itself, yeah.
506
00:25:38,657 --> 00:25:42,427
No, no... No fucking
chemistry.
507
00:25:51,371 --> 00:25:53,501
I had the biggest planet
of the apes collection
508
00:25:53,506 --> 00:25:55,087
until, like, the sixth grade,
509
00:25:55,091 --> 00:25:56,671
when my parents made me
sell it at a garage sale.
510
00:25:56,677 --> 00:25:58,777
They were afraid it was
going to adversely affect
511
00:25:58,779 --> 00:26:01,109
my psychosexual development.
512
00:26:02,282 --> 00:26:03,447
They're both shrinks.
513
00:26:03,482 --> 00:26:04,612
Well, did it?
What?
514
00:26:04,619 --> 00:26:07,279
Affect your
psycho... Whatever?
515
00:26:07,289 --> 00:26:08,919
Well, I'm gay, aren't I?
516
00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:10,553
Oh. So the apes made
you gay. I don't know.
517
00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:13,070
What is that?
The ape theory?
518
00:26:13,078 --> 00:26:15,598
Well, you've got a half-naked
charlton heston in a cage...
519
00:26:15,633 --> 00:26:16,698
Where he belongs.
Yeah, right.
520
00:26:16,699 --> 00:26:18,599
Plus my huge crush
on roddy mcdowell
521
00:26:18,601 --> 00:26:20,402
and those cute, little
leather outfits.
522
00:26:20,404 --> 00:26:23,604
That, my friend, is a
gay, pre-teen happy meal.
523
00:26:25,024 --> 00:26:26,444
Do you have any Martini sets?
524
00:26:26,479 --> 00:26:27,717
No, afraid not.
525
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:29,063
You know, I've got to
admit, I don't even know
526
00:26:29,098 --> 00:26:30,362
what a Martini set looks like.
527
00:26:30,371 --> 00:26:31,671
I... I wouldn't know a Martini
if it bit me in the ass.
528
00:26:31,683 --> 00:26:33,743
No, it shouldn't if you
know how to make them.
529
00:26:33,751 --> 00:26:35,781
Uh, I take it you do.
530
00:26:35,787 --> 00:26:37,188
In my house, you had to.
531
00:26:37,189 --> 00:26:38,589
I couldn't tie my shoes till I was 10,
532
00:26:38,591 --> 00:26:40,941
but I can make a Martini.
533
00:26:40,976 --> 00:26:43,356
I was like Isaac on our
sinking little love boat.
534
00:26:45,632 --> 00:26:49,142
Thank you, sweetheart.
535
00:26:49,177 --> 00:26:52,236
This is perfect.
536
00:26:52,238 --> 00:26:55,339
So, Tommy. Have you met any
nice girls at school this year?
537
00:26:55,343 --> 00:26:57,477
Yeah. They're nice.
538
00:26:57,512 --> 00:27:00,452
Hey. You give any thought
to what we talked about?
539
00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:01,748
None of the other
fifth graders know
540
00:27:01,749 --> 00:27:03,450
what they're going
to do after high school.
541
00:27:03,452 --> 00:27:06,252
And what do I care about a
bunch of pansy fifth graders
542
00:27:06,255 --> 00:27:08,415
with silver spoons
in their mouths?
543
00:27:08,423 --> 00:27:11,164
I sort of like
the idea of teaching.
544
00:27:11,199 --> 00:27:13,631
Teaching sounds good.
545
00:27:14,631 --> 00:27:17,261
That's terrific, honey.
546
00:27:19,269 --> 00:27:21,269
I can't remember them
without a drink in their hand.
547
00:27:21,272 --> 00:27:25,242
You know, when my father used to pitch
baseballs to me in the backyard...
548
00:27:25,277 --> 00:27:27,477
Uh-huh? He never spilt a drop.
549
00:27:27,512 --> 00:27:29,542
Oh, my God. I can't even imagine.
550
00:27:29,548 --> 00:27:30,678
Your parents didn't drink?
551
00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:33,482
No, we never played
games in the backyard.
552
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:34,934
Never?
553
00:27:34,969 --> 00:27:36,450
First of all, we didn't have a backyard.
554
00:27:36,455 --> 00:27:38,488
And second of all,
555
00:27:38,523 --> 00:27:40,593
the closest we ever
came to a game was...
556
00:27:40,628 --> 00:27:42,293
The feel wheel.
557
00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:44,963
Rage is at the top.
558
00:27:44,965 --> 00:27:47,465
Then we move down
to frustration,
559
00:27:47,467 --> 00:27:50,202
confusion, loneliness.
560
00:27:50,237 --> 00:27:54,978
On the other side, we
have loving, affectionate,
561
00:27:55,013 --> 00:27:55,776
silly!
562
00:27:55,777 --> 00:27:58,211
Ok?
Eli, you go first.
563
00:27:58,246 --> 00:28:01,447
Take your name and
put it on the emotion
564
00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:03,000
you're feeling right now.
565
00:28:03,001 --> 00:28:04,551
That's right, Eli.
Don't think. Look inside.
566
00:28:04,553 --> 00:28:06,453
What are you feeling?
Right now. Go.
567
00:28:06,455 --> 00:28:09,626
Don't think. Go. Go!
568
00:28:09,661 --> 00:28:10,586
Go!
569
00:28:10,594 --> 00:28:12,594
Do I have to, Dr. Wyckoff?
570
00:28:12,596 --> 00:28:15,696
Can you do it for mommy?
571
00:28:23,541 --> 00:28:25,575
You'd just be walking
along and then you'd think...
572
00:28:25,610 --> 00:28:28,551
"Gee, I feel happy," and then you'd
put your little flag on the wheel?
573
00:28:28,586 --> 00:28:33,547
No, no. It's just... Something
my parents wanted us to do,
574
00:28:33,552 --> 00:28:35,723
so that... They would
feel more enlightened.
575
00:28:37,756 --> 00:28:39,786
Like getting us to say penis
and vagina at the dinner table.
576
00:28:39,792 --> 00:28:41,632
You know, so that we
would feel comfortable
577
00:28:41,667 --> 00:28:43,829
talking about sex,
578
00:28:43,830 --> 00:28:46,030
which is probably why now I
prefer pee-pee and hoo-hoo.
579
00:28:46,033 --> 00:28:48,873
More pee-pee than
hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.
580
00:28:48,908 --> 00:28:50,729
Does it show?
581
00:28:52,274 --> 00:28:54,804
I don't think that game would
have been a hit in my house,
582
00:28:54,809 --> 00:28:58,009
unless there was a section
on the wheel for thirsty.
583
00:28:58,013 --> 00:29:01,833
Well, there was a section
on the wheel for scared.
584
00:29:01,868 --> 00:29:05,653
But... You'd have had to
share that one with me.
585
00:29:21,306 --> 00:29:24,677
Hey, no chance on the
Eli and Tom thing. That's...
586
00:29:24,712 --> 00:29:25,909
Oh! What a pain.
587
00:29:25,944 --> 00:29:27,454
The gays are so picky.
588
00:29:27,462 --> 00:29:28,972
No, no, no, no. It's
Eli. I'm telling you.
589
00:29:28,981 --> 00:29:31,581
He's got the worst
d. K. On the planet.
590
00:29:31,583 --> 00:29:32,583
Donna karan?
591
00:29:32,584 --> 00:29:35,585
No. Dating kharma.
Oh!
592
00:29:35,588 --> 00:29:37,071
Yeah. No, it sucks.
593
00:29:37,106 --> 00:29:38,626
He told me that "a"...
he thinks he, like,
594
00:29:38,661 --> 00:29:39,785
insulted Tom a hundred times,
595
00:29:39,793 --> 00:29:42,594
and "b"... that he's...
You know, straight.
596
00:29:42,596 --> 00:29:44,576
Yeah.
597
00:29:44,581 --> 00:29:46,189
Ok, so now, Tom
is just a freak.
598
00:29:46,224 --> 00:29:47,797
You know, he officially hates
599
00:29:47,802 --> 00:29:49,649
any guy that he likes.
600
00:29:49,685 --> 00:29:51,497
Or worse, who likes him.
601
00:29:51,506 --> 00:29:53,606
What, dude?
602
00:29:53,608 --> 00:29:55,708
Yeah, well, welcome to the
wonderful world of self-hate.
603
00:29:55,711 --> 00:29:58,011
And he's not even Jewish.
604
00:29:58,681 --> 00:30:01,015
What on God's earth is this?
605
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:03,349
I mean, honestly,
that's the ugliest thing
606
00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:05,648
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
607
00:30:25,978 --> 00:30:29,513
Morning.
608
00:30:29,514 --> 00:30:31,915
What's, uh, what's the hurry?
609
00:30:31,918 --> 00:30:32,918
Oh, you know what?
610
00:30:32,953 --> 00:30:35,083
Today is decoupage day
at school,
611
00:30:35,088 --> 00:30:36,788
and I'm late, so...
612
00:30:36,790 --> 00:30:38,590
Oh, ok.
613
00:30:38,592 --> 00:30:41,423
Um, listen, I just...
614
00:30:41,429 --> 00:30:43,629
I want to apologize
for yesterday
615
00:30:43,631 --> 00:30:44,621
and last night.
616
00:30:44,632 --> 00:30:47,862
It just shouldn't
have happened.
617
00:30:47,869 --> 00:30:49,703
Oh.
618
00:30:49,738 --> 00:30:51,608
I mean, I feel like we got
off to a really good start,
619
00:30:51,643 --> 00:30:53,707
but then I feel like
I kind of fucked things up,
620
00:30:53,709 --> 00:30:56,709
so I promise it won't
ever happen again.
621
00:30:56,712 --> 00:30:59,413
Good. Yeah. I...
622
00:30:59,416 --> 00:31:01,416
we shouldn't have...
623
00:31:01,418 --> 00:31:03,918
Anyway, it was both
of our faults, so...
624
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,271
No. No. I... well, yeah.
625
00:31:06,273 --> 00:31:08,633
So, you know, let's just
pretend it never happened.
626
00:31:08,668 --> 00:31:10,026
Perfect.
627
00:31:10,027 --> 00:31:13,628
Great. All right.
I'll see you later.
628
00:31:26,846 --> 00:31:27,776
Hey.
629
00:31:27,780 --> 00:31:29,780
How you doing?
630
00:32:06,591 --> 00:32:09,921
I don't know. We had a
great time. I don't get it.
631
00:32:11,945 --> 00:32:13,966
Looked to me like you did get
it... something called laid.
632
00:32:14,001 --> 00:32:16,566
You know, fyi, gay
guys don't necessarily
633
00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:18,608
play the same bases
as straight guys do.
634
00:32:18,643 --> 00:32:20,534
It's still fucking, dude.
635
00:32:20,539 --> 00:32:23,040
Hello, gentlemen.
636
00:32:23,042 --> 00:32:25,552
You don't mind if the brother
hangs out, do you? I had him fixed.
637
00:32:25,587 --> 00:32:26,575
Do I have a choice?
638
00:32:26,579 --> 00:32:28,309
I don't get
the double standard.
639
00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:30,044
You know, guys can do all
kinds of things with women,
640
00:32:30,050 --> 00:32:33,020
and they won't call it sex
unless they actually fuck.
641
00:32:33,055 --> 00:32:34,842
You know, like sex
with interns.
642
00:32:34,877 --> 00:32:36,727
Listen, I'm not judging you.
You know, it's just sex, man.
643
00:32:36,734 --> 00:32:38,585
I'm not being defensive. I'm
trying to explain to you that a guy
644
00:32:38,593 --> 00:32:40,793
can get together
with another guy
645
00:32:40,795 --> 00:32:42,995
and do all kinds of things
without necessarily, you know.
646
00:32:42,998 --> 00:32:44,778
Right. Good.
That's enough.
647
00:32:44,782 --> 00:32:46,573
It's a big step. I know
couples who have never
648
00:32:46,608 --> 00:32:48,899
and probably will
never actually...
649
00:32:48,905 --> 00:32:50,955
n. T... New topic.
650
00:32:50,956 --> 00:32:53,006
What? What is with you? You were
never this squeamish in college.
651
00:32:53,009 --> 00:32:54,870
That's because
you were dating women.
652
00:32:54,878 --> 00:32:56,608
Yeah, well, it's the same thing
653
00:32:56,613 --> 00:32:58,113
if you don't count the vaginas.
654
00:32:58,115 --> 00:33:00,215
Oof. I count them:
4... so far.
655
00:33:00,217 --> 00:33:02,217
Ok, you know what, Mitch?
656
00:33:02,218 --> 00:33:04,219
Doesn't count if they
have inflate nozzles.
657
00:33:04,222 --> 00:33:05,852
Hey, look man,
it's not like, you know,
658
00:33:05,857 --> 00:33:07,997
you picked him up at
ye olde cock and balls
659
00:33:08,032 --> 00:33:09,292
and got out the butter spray
660
00:33:09,294 --> 00:33:11,128
and the choke collar
and the whole thing.
661
00:33:11,163 --> 00:33:13,793
I mean, you spent
an afternoon together, right?
662
00:33:13,799 --> 00:33:16,029
I mean, obviously he likes you.
663
00:33:16,035 --> 00:33:17,765
Right.
664
00:33:18,804 --> 00:33:20,038
Fuck, these are new.
665
00:33:20,073 --> 00:33:21,873
What's the matter?
Are you cranky?
666
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:23,805
You know, I don't want
to do this anymore.
667
00:33:23,810 --> 00:33:24,970
That's fine.
That's great.
668
00:33:24,978 --> 00:33:26,177
Ok. Well, you did
a terrific job.
669
00:33:26,212 --> 00:33:28,613
Hey, listen, what are you
doing on Friday night?
670
00:33:28,616 --> 00:33:30,049
Are you going to
go out with the guy?
671
00:33:30,084 --> 00:33:32,214
I don't know. Why, did
Jackie say something?
672
00:33:32,219 --> 00:33:34,819
I don't know, but if
you're coming Friday night,
673
00:33:34,822 --> 00:33:36,433
she can tell you herself.
674
00:33:36,441 --> 00:33:38,061
Yeah. No, I'm not doing
that. That's so seventh grade.
675
00:33:38,096 --> 00:33:40,230
Well, you'll
catch up. Huh?
676
00:33:40,265 --> 00:33:41,258
Did she invite Tom?
677
00:33:41,263 --> 00:33:43,163
No. It's just us.
It will be fine.
678
00:33:43,165 --> 00:33:45,166
7:00 Friday night.
All right?
679
00:33:45,168 --> 00:33:47,168
All right.
Take this.
680
00:33:47,169 --> 00:33:49,169
Have a valerian or
something. Take a nap.
681
00:33:49,172 --> 00:33:50,721
He's too intense.
682
00:33:50,756 --> 00:33:52,336
You know, I like him
as a friend, but...
683
00:33:52,342 --> 00:33:53,658
Bullshit.
684
00:33:53,693 --> 00:33:55,043
That is just fear of intimacy,
685
00:33:55,045 --> 00:33:57,345
which by the way is so 1991.
686
00:33:57,348 --> 00:34:00,078
Pause. Marie?
687
00:34:00,084 --> 00:34:01,144
Yeah.
688
00:34:01,151 --> 00:34:04,154
Put the headphones on.
689
00:34:04,189 --> 00:34:06,159
The headphones...
there you go.
690
00:34:06,194 --> 00:34:07,217
Um, nice, Marie,
691
00:34:07,225 --> 00:34:08,955
but I need more smile
692
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,891
and less sell, ok?
693
00:34:10,896 --> 00:34:12,126
Uh, have fun.
694
00:34:12,131 --> 00:34:14,831
Ok. Great. Fun.
All right.
695
00:34:14,834 --> 00:34:16,784
Good. Topnotch.
Thanks.
696
00:34:16,785 --> 00:34:18,736
The way you did
in the audition, remember?
697
00:34:18,739 --> 00:34:20,239
The reason we hired you.
698
00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:22,340
Right.
Absolutely. Yes.
699
00:34:22,342 --> 00:34:24,712
Good note.
Really good note.
700
00:34:24,747 --> 00:34:26,311
Great.
701
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:29,048
"New vita-power
energy bars
702
00:34:29,050 --> 00:34:31,910
with tasty, chewy
goodness in every bite."
703
00:34:31,919 --> 00:34:33,119
I'm just glad you met a guy
704
00:34:33,121 --> 00:34:34,421
with half a brain in his head.
705
00:34:34,422 --> 00:34:36,123
Oh, wait, let me find
the love in that...
706
00:34:36,125 --> 00:34:38,055
Oh, right, there is none.
707
00:34:38,060 --> 00:34:39,990
Hey, I'm not the one who
fell in love with a guy
708
00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,265
who could only get a job
selling sperm samples
709
00:34:42,300 --> 00:34:44,895
and doing experimental
drug research.
710
00:34:44,901 --> 00:34:46,131
Wasn't he allergic?
711
00:34:46,136 --> 00:34:48,806
Yes, but he was cute,
and you know it.
712
00:34:48,841 --> 00:34:51,455
Yeah, when the hives
cleared up.
713
00:34:51,457 --> 00:34:54,108
"During and after your
living and giving life."
714
00:34:54,111 --> 00:34:56,111
Pause. Sweetie?
715
00:34:56,113 --> 00:34:57,113
Uh, yeah.
716
00:34:57,114 --> 00:34:58,314
What are you doing?
717
00:34:58,315 --> 00:35:00,916
You're not Kathleen Turner, ok?
718
00:35:00,919 --> 00:35:03,819
No, I'm not.
I'm not Kathleen Turner.
719
00:35:03,822 --> 00:35:05,352
That's right.
Yeah, I'm me.
720
00:35:05,357 --> 00:35:08,798
Is that what you're
saying? I should be me.
721
00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:10,855
No. What I'm saying
is that this isn't
722
00:35:10,863 --> 00:35:12,093
blue cross, blue shield.
723
00:35:12,098 --> 00:35:14,128
It's an energy snack,
so why don't we have
724
00:35:14,133 --> 00:35:16,033
some... I don't know...
energy?
725
00:35:16,035 --> 00:35:18,806
Energy... yes, of course!
Ok, you're right.
726
00:35:18,841 --> 00:35:21,136
All right, because
it's vita-power,
727
00:35:21,141 --> 00:35:22,141
and "vita" means life.
728
00:35:22,176 --> 00:35:24,276
Ok, now, correct me
if I'm wrong:
729
00:35:24,278 --> 00:35:27,209
My intention
should be to have...
730
00:35:27,215 --> 00:35:31,045
no, to give more life...
731
00:35:31,052 --> 00:35:32,385
Except as a bar.
732
00:35:32,420 --> 00:35:34,321
But, Jackie, my concern is that
733
00:35:34,323 --> 00:35:36,123
I'm going to be over the top.
734
00:35:36,125 --> 00:35:40,235
No. Honey, you're so
under the top right now
735
00:35:40,270 --> 00:35:42,360
it's like you're
selling me a douche.
736
00:35:42,365 --> 00:35:43,865
Ok? I'm getting you
737
00:35:43,900 --> 00:35:45,914
on the beach in
a floral-print dress
738
00:35:45,949 --> 00:35:47,929
talking about
feminine freshness.
739
00:35:47,938 --> 00:35:49,798
Is that the read
you're going for?
740
00:35:49,806 --> 00:35:50,807
No, that's not.
741
00:35:50,842 --> 00:35:52,472
Those were good word pictures.
742
00:35:52,477 --> 00:35:55,847
Ok, just translate them
for what I need.
743
00:35:55,882 --> 00:35:57,567
Ok, good.
Yeah, I can do this.
744
00:35:57,602 --> 00:35:59,216
I'm just going to keep going.
745
00:35:59,251 --> 00:36:02,671
You are so mean. You're
not even listening to her.
746
00:36:02,706 --> 00:36:06,091
Yes, I am. She thinks
she's doing books on tape.
747
00:36:06,126 --> 00:36:07,192
I think she's good.
748
00:36:07,193 --> 00:36:08,773
Well, don't change the subject.
749
00:36:08,777 --> 00:36:10,367
Brett and I are cooking
dinner on Friday night.
750
00:36:10,402 --> 00:36:11,863
Ha! What are you having?
751
00:36:11,865 --> 00:36:13,495
Shut up. You're coming.
752
00:36:13,500 --> 00:36:15,230
Is he invited?
753
00:36:15,235 --> 00:36:17,266
No. Just you.
754
00:36:17,271 --> 00:36:20,371
Pause.
755
00:36:20,374 --> 00:36:21,534
That's it. Go home.
756
00:36:21,542 --> 00:36:24,543
You want me to go?
I should go home?
757
00:36:24,546 --> 00:36:26,160
No, you're incredible.
758
00:36:26,195 --> 00:36:27,774
I mean, that voice...
759
00:36:27,783 --> 00:36:28,983
don't even kid yourself.
760
00:36:28,984 --> 00:36:31,244
You're going to have
a huge career.
761
00:36:31,253 --> 00:36:33,084
Oh! Ok. I thought...
762
00:36:33,089 --> 00:36:36,329
thank you.
Well, thanks to you.
763
00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:53,175
Jackie's a piece of work.
764
00:36:54,245 --> 00:36:57,446
Brett's a lying sack of shit.
765
00:36:58,884 --> 00:37:00,434
You look good.
766
00:37:00,435 --> 00:37:01,985
I have no idea who this
is. I'm going to kill you.
767
00:37:01,987 --> 00:37:04,547
If this is a sports figure,
I'm going to kill you.
768
00:37:04,557 --> 00:37:05,958
Jaleel white!
769
00:37:05,959 --> 00:37:07,619
Elie wiesel!
770
00:37:07,627 --> 00:37:09,287
You're actually not my
partner. Ok, come on. Go.
771
00:37:09,295 --> 00:37:10,965
What is it about this look
that makes you think I know?
772
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,934
Come on. All right,
pass. Pass. Pass.
773
00:37:12,969 --> 00:37:14,914
Ok, this one.
Oh, fuck, open.
774
00:37:14,918 --> 00:37:16,898
Ok, the ex-football player
who allegedly killed his wife.
775
00:37:16,904 --> 00:37:19,974
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
"Allegedly"... what are you, nuts?
776
00:37:20,009 --> 00:37:21,260
Just say it!
777
00:37:21,295 --> 00:37:22,512
O.J. Simpson.
778
00:37:22,547 --> 00:37:23,991
Yes!
779
00:37:23,995 --> 00:37:25,475
That's like saying Jackie
allegedly got a nose job.
780
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:26,540
Shut up.
781
00:37:26,548 --> 00:37:29,048
Both of you shut up. Ok?
782
00:37:29,083 --> 00:37:31,614
All right, this one... the
first name rhymes with this...
783
00:37:33,122 --> 00:37:35,322
Ok, could you never,
ever do that again?
784
00:37:35,325 --> 00:37:36,457
Just say it.
785
00:37:36,492 --> 00:37:38,222
Time! Time,
time. Time.
786
00:37:38,228 --> 00:37:39,761
Brett, is it maybe time?
787
00:37:39,796 --> 00:37:41,294
What the fuck was that?
788
00:37:41,298 --> 00:37:43,277
I bet you it was one of Brett's.
789
00:37:43,312 --> 00:37:45,217
They're so hard
because he's so smart.
790
00:37:45,252 --> 00:37:47,332
Apparently not smart enough to
know that you had a nose job.
791
00:37:47,338 --> 00:37:49,379
What, I told you about that.
792
00:37:49,414 --> 00:37:50,874
No, you didn't.
793
00:37:50,876 --> 00:37:52,158
So what's the diff?
794
00:37:52,193 --> 00:37:53,503
Come on, Brett,
like you couldn't tell...
795
00:37:53,511 --> 00:37:55,481
every Jewish teen-age
girl with money
796
00:37:55,516 --> 00:37:57,030
winds up with that nose.
797
00:37:57,065 --> 00:37:58,645
Don't you think it's, like,
a little bit weird, though,
798
00:37:58,651 --> 00:38:02,321
that everyone on the planet
knows but your boyfriend?
799
00:38:03,289 --> 00:38:04,590
Seriously, Eli, who was that?
800
00:38:04,591 --> 00:38:06,991
Ok, well, I was doing the hula, so...
801
00:38:06,994 --> 00:38:09,324
I mean, it's a little
strange. Right?
802
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:12,469
Ok. They used to
call me the jackal.
803
00:38:12,504 --> 00:38:14,927
All right?
So I got a nose job.
804
00:38:14,936 --> 00:38:16,696
Are you happy now?
805
00:38:16,704 --> 00:38:18,474
All right. I give up.
What rhymes with hula?
806
00:38:18,509 --> 00:38:20,913
Wow. The jackal.
That's brutal.
807
00:38:20,948 --> 00:38:22,070
You're being a jerk.
808
00:38:22,077 --> 00:38:24,037
Yeah, but I'm being
an honest jerk,
809
00:38:24,046 --> 00:38:26,206
so that counts
for something, I think.
810
00:38:26,215 --> 00:38:27,448
Oh, wait. Shh.
You hear that?
811
00:38:27,483 --> 00:38:31,024
That's the sound of you
not getting laid tonight.
812
00:38:31,059 --> 00:38:32,601
Ha ha ha ha...
813
00:38:32,605 --> 00:38:34,797
Oh, that's wonderful.
Did you guys hear that?
814
00:38:34,832 --> 00:38:36,990
That was the sound of
Jackie being a bitch.
815
00:38:36,993 --> 00:38:38,294
Did you guys hear that?
816
00:38:38,296 --> 00:38:39,595
Yeah, I did hear that...
817
00:38:39,630 --> 00:38:41,340
Well, what do you want from me?
818
00:38:41,348 --> 00:38:43,058
I don't know. How about a
little honesty. You know...
819
00:38:43,067 --> 00:38:44,500
Oh, come on. You know
what, the self-pity bus
820
00:38:44,535 --> 00:38:47,570
stops right in front of my
building, pal. Don't miss it.
821
00:38:47,605 --> 00:38:50,675
Well, maybe I'll get on the self-pity
bus, you know? Maybe I'll get a transfer.
822
00:38:50,676 --> 00:38:53,108
Ok, you know what?
Can we get out of here
823
00:38:53,143 --> 00:38:55,542
before they start
looking like my parents?
824
00:38:55,548 --> 00:38:56,481
Fine with me.
825
00:38:56,516 --> 00:38:58,249
All right.
Your place?
826
00:38:58,284 --> 00:39:00,018
Uh, yeah, ok.
We can take one c...
827
00:39:00,053 --> 00:39:02,683
oh, hey, hey. Was that
tallulah bankhead?
828
00:39:02,689 --> 00:39:06,060
No, no.
Rula lenska.
829
00:39:06,095 --> 00:39:08,600
Rula lenska.
830
00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:11,898
Who the fuck is rula lenska?
831
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,366
Oh, I'm so sorry...
832
00:39:14,369 --> 00:39:16,388
Oh, you're tickling me.
833
00:39:16,423 --> 00:39:18,371
Guess they made up.
834
00:39:18,406 --> 00:39:21,607
Hope she paid for scotchgard.
835
00:39:22,278 --> 00:39:24,478
Mmm. Oh,
don't do that.
836
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,250
Ooh, not right now.
837
00:39:29,119 --> 00:39:31,589
Like when people say "ex cetera"
838
00:39:31,624 --> 00:39:33,521
instead of "et cetera"...
839
00:39:33,556 --> 00:39:35,516
what is that,
"ex cetera"? Crazy.
840
00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:36,585
Oh, my favorite is
841
00:39:36,593 --> 00:39:38,494
"for all intensive
purposes."
842
00:39:38,529 --> 00:39:40,599
That's like nuts.
It's like, you know what,
843
00:39:40,634 --> 00:39:42,028
where'd you go to school?
844
00:39:42,033 --> 00:39:43,466
Are you sure you don't
want a sandwich?
845
00:39:43,501 --> 00:39:45,632
I mean, I don't know how
you could eat that food.
846
00:39:45,637 --> 00:39:47,697
No offense, but Jackie
can't cook for shit.
847
00:39:47,706 --> 00:39:49,936
No wonder Brett's
losing weight.
848
00:39:49,941 --> 00:39:52,171
Hey, hey, hey... Hollywood
news. Where's your section?
849
00:39:52,177 --> 00:39:54,008
Oh, no.
You don't have to.
850
00:39:54,014 --> 00:39:55,246
Oh, come on, please.
851
00:39:55,281 --> 00:39:56,514
I's embarrassing.
God, I mean it's...
852
00:39:56,549 --> 00:39:59,119
here, that's it right
there. But don't...
853
00:39:59,154 --> 00:40:00,579
look at that:
"Police blotter.
854
00:40:00,587 --> 00:40:01,777
Edited by Eli Wyckoff."
855
00:40:01,788 --> 00:40:03,549
Yeah. I don't
want you to...
856
00:40:03,557 --> 00:40:05,557
"Juan a. Mass, 35,
857
00:40:05,592 --> 00:40:07,622
"arrested early
Sunday for d. U.I.
858
00:40:07,628 --> 00:40:09,688
"Blood alcohol level
was 2.1
859
00:40:09,697 --> 00:40:13,568
when suspect was
apprehinded by I.A.P.D."
860
00:40:13,603 --> 00:40:14,601
What?
861
00:40:14,636 --> 00:40:15,736
It says
"apprehinded."
862
00:40:15,771 --> 00:40:17,701
No, it doesn't.
It's "apprehended."
863
00:40:17,706 --> 00:40:19,577
It says
"apprehinded."
864
00:40:19,612 --> 00:40:20,675
Oh, my God. Shit!
865
00:40:20,676 --> 00:40:22,674
To apprehind.
That's when, what,
866
00:40:22,709 --> 00:40:24,672
they grab the guy on the ass?
867
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,611
Goddamn. I proofread this
like a million times.
868
00:40:27,618 --> 00:40:28,902
Oh, God.
869
00:40:28,937 --> 00:40:30,186
Relax.
870
00:40:30,187 --> 00:40:31,217
Fuck!
871
00:40:31,221 --> 00:40:32,251
Do you know what you need?
872
00:40:32,256 --> 00:40:33,589
Yeah. A new job,
apparently.
873
00:40:33,624 --> 00:40:35,424
No, no, no, no.
You need a drink.
874
00:40:35,426 --> 00:40:36,827
A drink.
A real drink.
875
00:40:36,828 --> 00:40:38,461
Do you have any vodka?
876
00:40:38,496 --> 00:40:40,666
Um, I don't know.
Is this vodka?
877
00:40:40,701 --> 00:40:42,665
I've had it since like 1947.
878
00:40:42,667 --> 00:40:44,638
All right, do you
have Martini glasses?
879
00:40:44,673 --> 00:40:46,070
Those are my Martini glasses.
880
00:40:46,105 --> 00:40:48,265
And my juice glasses.
And my water glasses.
881
00:40:48,274 --> 00:40:50,234
All right, never mind.
They'll do.
882
00:40:50,242 --> 00:40:51,542
I am going to introduce you
883
00:40:51,577 --> 00:40:54,678
to the wonderful world
of Martinis.
884
00:41:20,710 --> 00:41:22,580
No, no, no.
Screen, screen.
885
00:41:22,615 --> 00:41:23,679
No, no. Let me get it.
886
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,110
Come on. Let
the machine get it.
887
00:41:25,115 --> 00:41:25,585
You know what, I bet
you can't do it.
888
00:41:25,620 --> 00:41:27,036
I can do it.
889
00:41:27,071 --> 00:41:28,451
I dare you.
890
00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:33,055
All right.
891
00:41:33,056 --> 00:41:34,457
Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.
892
00:41:34,459 --> 00:41:36,489
I got to get that piece-
of-shit machine fixed.
893
00:41:36,495 --> 00:41:37,627
Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff.
894
00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:39,132
There's something wrong
with your machine.
895
00:41:39,167 --> 00:41:39,691
Who's that, your shrink?
896
00:41:39,698 --> 00:41:40,697
No, it's my mom.
897
00:41:40,732 --> 00:41:41,762
You refer
to her as...
898
00:41:41,766 --> 00:41:42,984
it took her 12 years
to get her ph. D.
899
00:41:43,019 --> 00:41:44,202
She likes to hear herself
say it, ok?
900
00:41:44,203 --> 00:41:46,003
Now move. No, come on.
I'm serious.
901
00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,804
Eli, I was just reading the
new england journal of medicine.
902
00:41:47,807 --> 00:41:49,640
And there's a pull-out
section on the new t. S.E...
903
00:41:49,675 --> 00:41:55,316
testicular self-exam and how to
make it part of your lifestyle.
904
00:41:55,351 --> 00:41:56,665
My God.
905
00:41:56,671 --> 00:41:58,021
Do you want to try it?
906
00:41:58,027 --> 00:41:59,707
No. Come on. God damn it.
I can't bel...
907
00:41:59,742 --> 00:42:01,387
I faxed the diagram
over to your office.
908
00:42:01,389 --> 00:42:03,058
I put your name all over it.
909
00:42:03,093 --> 00:42:04,727
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
910
00:42:04,762 --> 00:42:06,226
Yeah. Don't listen.
911
00:42:06,227 --> 00:42:07,660
The hues just hit you
right in the face.
912
00:42:07,695 --> 00:42:11,166
You may want to give yourself
an exam while I read aloud.
913
00:42:11,167 --> 00:42:12,797
I think we should do
this exam together.
914
00:42:12,801 --> 00:42:16,312
Ok, let's take
a deep breath together.
915
00:42:16,606 --> 00:42:20,176
Ok, start by lifting
the penis to one side.
916
00:42:20,177 --> 00:42:21,537
Oh, my God.
917
00:42:21,545 --> 00:42:23,205
Slowly roll the testicle
918
00:42:23,213 --> 00:42:25,454
between the thumb and fingers,
919
00:42:25,489 --> 00:42:27,679
applying slight pressure.
920
00:42:27,685 --> 00:42:28,545
Ow!
921
00:42:29,487 --> 00:42:30,547
Hello? Mom?
922
00:42:30,555 --> 00:42:31,585
It's me.
923
00:42:31,589 --> 00:42:33,390
Who?
924
00:42:33,392 --> 00:42:35,092
Eli!
925
00:42:35,093 --> 00:42:36,793
Eli. Oh, well,
are we screening?
926
00:42:36,795 --> 00:42:38,835
Yeah... no.
I wasn't, actually.
927
00:42:38,870 --> 00:42:40,164
We just got in.
928
00:42:40,199 --> 00:42:42,600
We. Mm-hmm.
What does that mean?
929
00:42:42,602 --> 00:42:44,302
Can I call you back?
930
00:42:44,304 --> 00:42:45,634
Do we have company?
931
00:42:45,638 --> 00:42:46,568
Yes.
932
00:42:46,573 --> 00:42:48,473
Jewish?
933
00:42:48,474 --> 00:42:49,715
No, but...
934
00:42:49,750 --> 00:42:50,570
cute?
935
00:42:50,578 --> 00:42:51,968
Will you stop?
936
00:42:51,979 --> 00:42:53,159
Wear a condom.
937
00:42:53,163 --> 00:42:54,343
Oh, God, mom, no.
It's not like...
938
00:42:54,348 --> 00:42:55,638
did you hear the stuff
about the t. S.E.?
939
00:42:55,649 --> 00:42:57,809
Did you hear what
I was talking about?
940
00:42:57,818 --> 00:42:59,719
Yeah. We both did.
Thanks.
941
00:42:59,721 --> 00:43:01,551
Maybe you could both
do it together then.
942
00:43:01,556 --> 00:43:05,626
Nothing wrong with helping each
other with a testicular exam.
943
00:43:05,627 --> 00:43:06,460
Mom...
944
00:43:06,495 --> 00:43:07,605
don't be shy.
945
00:43:07,607 --> 00:43:08,717
I got to call you later, ok?
946
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:09,797
Wait, honey, please,
hold on for a second.
947
00:43:09,832 --> 00:43:12,632
Call me tomorrow morning
between 6:50 and 7:00...
948
00:43:12,635 --> 00:43:14,605
good-bye. God.
949
00:43:15,405 --> 00:43:16,638
I feel so dirty.
950
00:43:16,673 --> 00:43:19,873
So why does it matter
if I'm Jewish?
951
00:43:19,876 --> 00:43:21,676
You heard that?
952
00:43:21,678 --> 00:43:23,072
Oh, yeah.
953
00:43:23,107 --> 00:43:24,430
Oh, my God.
954
00:43:24,465 --> 00:43:25,575
I am going to go
to the bathroom now
955
00:43:25,583 --> 00:43:27,983
and hope to God that
I can overdose on tums
956
00:43:27,986 --> 00:43:30,356
or maalox or
pine-scented glade.
957
00:43:30,391 --> 00:43:31,616
I'm so embarrassed.
958
00:43:31,624 --> 00:43:32,984
Don't be.
It wasn't that bad.
959
00:43:32,992 --> 00:43:35,526
Really.
It was funny, actually.
960
00:43:35,561 --> 00:43:38,831
Will you please call mom for me?
I cannot talk to her.
961
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:40,702
The woman stopped
having boundaries
962
00:43:40,737 --> 00:43:42,600
when she stopped wearing a bra.
963
00:43:42,602 --> 00:43:44,402
And the fact that
I know that... ooh.
964
00:43:44,404 --> 00:43:45,434
I know. It's scary.
965
00:43:45,438 --> 00:43:47,338
Does she pull
that shit with you?
966
00:43:47,340 --> 00:43:48,841
Are you kidding?
She wanted me to
967
00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:51,743
tape my first time for her
professional evaluation.
968
00:43:51,746 --> 00:43:53,476
And?
969
00:43:53,481 --> 00:43:55,214
I'm not telling you.
970
00:43:55,249 --> 00:43:57,020
Oh, God, and did I tell you...
she just sent me this article
971
00:43:57,055 --> 00:43:59,449
about circle jerks
in the new safe sex.
972
00:43:59,454 --> 00:44:00,787
Can you believe I thought
973
00:44:00,822 --> 00:44:03,072
"circle jerks" was
a figure-skating term?
974
00:44:03,107 --> 00:44:05,388
Well, you know, it is...
with the male figure skaters.
975
00:44:05,395 --> 00:44:07,965
Will you please call her
for me... please.
976
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:09,064
I cannot talk to her.
977
00:44:09,065 --> 00:44:10,765
You know, you can't fight it.
978
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:12,030
And the more you
try to avoid her,
979
00:44:12,035 --> 00:44:14,006
the more she's going to
insist on meeting...
980
00:44:14,041 --> 00:44:16,004
what's your new
boyfriend's name?
981
00:44:16,006 --> 00:44:18,446
Tom. And he's not
my boyfriend.
982
00:44:18,481 --> 00:44:19,557
Whatever.
983
00:44:19,592 --> 00:44:20,742
I don't know
what the hell he is.
984
00:44:20,744 --> 00:44:22,685
What do you want him to be?
985
00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:23,611
What?
986
00:44:23,615 --> 00:44:25,415
I... no. Yeah.
987
00:44:25,417 --> 00:44:28,317
It's like... I...
no, no...
988
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:31,981
I just wish I knew
one way or the other.
989
00:44:31,991 --> 00:44:35,021
Ok, put the bong down,
space cowboy.
990
00:44:35,027 --> 00:44:39,538
He's your fucking boyfriend,
just like I said.
991
00:44:48,409 --> 00:44:49,893
Eli.
992
00:44:49,928 --> 00:44:51,377
Oh, hey.
993
00:45:17,975 --> 00:45:19,705
What is it with you and nudity?
994
00:45:19,710 --> 00:45:22,081
Nothing. But that
movie was pandering.
995
00:45:22,116 --> 00:45:23,410
It was an art film.
996
00:45:23,415 --> 00:45:25,169
Yeah... the art of guys
with 6-pack abs
997
00:45:25,204 --> 00:45:26,924
blowing each other
every chance they get.
998
00:45:26,959 --> 00:45:28,918
And every
gay guy in L.A.
999
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:30,651
Is like
"run, don't walk."
1000
00:45:30,656 --> 00:45:32,556
And the problem with that is...
1001
00:45:32,558 --> 00:45:34,618
Christ, you may as well
stay home and watch
1002
00:45:34,627 --> 00:45:36,557
the hand that rocks my ladle
1003
00:45:36,562 --> 00:45:38,063
or pocahoncho.
1004
00:45:38,064 --> 00:45:39,564
At least those movies
don't pretend to be
1005
00:45:39,566 --> 00:45:41,066
something that they're not.
1006
00:45:41,068 --> 00:45:42,528
You have those?
Pop them in.
1007
00:45:42,536 --> 00:45:44,836
Oh, God. See? You're
part of the problem.
1008
00:45:44,838 --> 00:45:45,929
Let me get this straight.
1009
00:45:45,940 --> 00:45:47,800
You think that a movie
about 2 guys...
1010
00:45:47,809 --> 00:45:49,809
it can't be about love...
just sex?
1011
00:45:49,811 --> 00:45:51,011
Those guys were in love.
1012
00:45:51,012 --> 00:45:53,512
Granted, it was a special kind of love.
1013
00:45:53,515 --> 00:45:55,335
The kind of love
that required latex.
1014
00:45:55,370 --> 00:45:57,486
Oh, my God. You know what,
never mind.
1015
00:45:57,521 --> 00:45:59,603
I cannot have this
argument with a guy
1016
00:45:59,604 --> 00:46:02,054
who never saw gone with
the wind... what is that?
1017
00:46:02,057 --> 00:46:04,308
God, would you relax.
1018
00:46:04,343 --> 00:46:06,623
Huh? You're going to
give yourself an aneurysm.
1019
00:46:06,630 --> 00:46:08,530
You are infuriating.
1020
00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:12,033
You... you don't have to.
1021
00:46:12,036 --> 00:46:15,106
Do you want me to stop?
1022
00:46:16,441 --> 00:46:18,325
No.
1023
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,210
Mmm.
1024
00:46:21,180 --> 00:46:24,480
Man, you always smell so good.
1025
00:46:27,085 --> 00:46:29,146
Ok, there you go.
1026
00:46:29,155 --> 00:46:32,515
So, uh, Saturday
is tennis, right?
1027
00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,185
There must be
an open on...
1028
00:46:34,194 --> 00:46:37,525
Australia, British.
Pakistani, right?
1029
00:46:37,531 --> 00:46:40,071
Is something wrong?
1030
00:46:41,535 --> 00:46:43,235
What? No, no.
1031
00:46:43,236 --> 00:46:44,937
I just want to watch TV,
that's all.
1032
00:46:44,940 --> 00:46:45,940
Huh.
1033
00:46:45,941 --> 00:46:48,941
That's ok.
Whatever. I get it.
1034
00:46:50,111 --> 00:46:51,445
Get what?
1035
00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:52,762
Same as usual.
1036
00:46:52,797 --> 00:46:54,108
The whole come-here-
go-away routine.
1037
00:46:54,116 --> 00:46:56,226
What, do you want me
to keep massaging you?
1038
00:46:56,261 --> 00:46:58,119
I will, but I got to tell you,
1039
00:46:58,120 --> 00:47:00,020
this isn't exactly the
way to get me to want to.
1040
00:47:00,022 --> 00:47:02,022
No, Tom, it's actually fine.
1041
00:47:02,057 --> 00:47:04,022
You know, that's just...
1042
00:47:04,027 --> 00:47:05,461
you're not attracted to me,
1043
00:47:05,496 --> 00:47:07,878
you want to just be
friends... I can handle that.
1044
00:47:07,913 --> 00:47:10,262
But then stop fucking
calling me and inviting me
1045
00:47:10,268 --> 00:47:12,768
to see semi-porn on
a Saturday afternoon.
1046
00:47:12,770 --> 00:47:14,500
And then drag me
back to my house
1047
00:47:14,506 --> 00:47:15,638
and start rubbing my shoulders
1048
00:47:15,673 --> 00:47:17,592
and expect me
to be like, "hey, buddy,
1049
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:19,477
thanks a lot.
I'll see you around."
1050
00:47:19,512 --> 00:47:21,212
What is so wrong
with taking things slow?
1051
00:47:21,213 --> 00:47:23,283
Huh? Why does it
always have to be
1052
00:47:23,318 --> 00:47:25,142
all or nothing with you?
1053
00:47:25,150 --> 00:47:26,250
I don't know.
1054
00:47:26,252 --> 00:47:28,133
All right, fine.
1055
00:47:28,137 --> 00:47:30,017
Then maybe we should
cool it off for a while.
1056
00:47:30,023 --> 00:47:31,883
No, I like you. I do.
1057
00:47:31,892 --> 00:47:33,192
Thank you.
1058
00:47:33,193 --> 00:47:35,554
It's just...
1059
00:47:35,563 --> 00:47:37,863
I want to have a good time.
1060
00:47:37,865 --> 00:47:39,695
That's all.
1061
00:47:39,700 --> 00:47:41,540
I don't want to make this
this intense thing.
1062
00:47:41,575 --> 00:47:45,137
And you seem to want this...
1063
00:47:45,841 --> 00:47:47,181
I don't know.
I don't know.
1064
00:47:47,216 --> 00:47:49,605
What do you want?
1065
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:54,021
Eggs, actually.
1066
00:47:55,618 --> 00:47:57,018
Whatever.
1067
00:48:04,562 --> 00:48:06,561
Remember cooties?
1068
00:48:06,596 --> 00:48:08,627
Don't touch the losers
or you get cooties.
1069
00:48:08,633 --> 00:48:10,133
And who are the losers?
1070
00:48:10,135 --> 00:48:12,335
Easy. Anybody with
a hard-boiled egg
1071
00:48:12,337 --> 00:48:14,237
in their lunch bag.
1072
00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:15,939
Well, I don't think
1073
00:48:15,941 --> 00:48:18,742
Tom liked what I had
in my lunch bag.
1074
00:48:18,744 --> 00:48:21,144
What about sex?
I mean, people do have sex.
1075
00:48:21,147 --> 00:48:23,847
Sex is the logical outgrowth of...
1076
00:48:23,849 --> 00:48:25,310
Eli, let it out.
1077
00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:28,979
No, you know, I don't
want to talk about it.
1078
00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:30,639
Cop-out!
1079
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:32,290
Why do you feel the
need to beat yourself up?
1080
00:48:32,292 --> 00:48:34,027
Why won't you
let us into the now?
1081
00:48:34,062 --> 00:48:37,632
Why do I feel like I'm in a
cheesy seventies est seminar?
1082
00:48:37,667 --> 00:48:39,465
Good. How else
do you feel?
1083
00:48:39,500 --> 00:48:41,360
Would you like us to
bring out the feel wheel?
1084
00:48:41,369 --> 00:48:43,030
You know what, no.
I would actually like it
1085
00:48:43,038 --> 00:48:46,378
if you would just leave me
alone for a little while.
1086
00:48:54,985 --> 00:48:56,045
Let me in.
1087
00:48:56,052 --> 00:48:57,382
I'm not going to hurt you.
1088
00:48:57,387 --> 00:49:00,058
I'm your friend.
What is wrong?
1089
00:49:00,093 --> 00:49:01,657
I'm fine, ok?
1090
00:49:01,659 --> 00:49:03,699
I don't think so.
1091
00:49:06,631 --> 00:49:08,350
It's this guy.
1092
00:49:08,385 --> 00:49:10,032
I knew it.
1093
00:49:10,067 --> 00:49:12,337
He has this reputation
for being sort of easy.
1094
00:49:12,372 --> 00:49:13,667
Mm-hmm.
1095
00:49:13,672 --> 00:49:15,005
Not with me.
1096
00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:16,941
With me, it's hard.
1097
00:49:16,976 --> 00:49:20,146
Or not hard... maybe
that's the problem.
1098
00:49:20,181 --> 00:49:22,406
Ok...
1099
00:49:26,654 --> 00:49:28,054
Oh, Eli. What is this?
1100
00:49:28,055 --> 00:49:30,355
A closeted gay teacher
is outed by a former student
1101
00:49:30,357 --> 00:49:32,167
on the night
of the academy awards
1102
00:49:32,175 --> 00:49:33,986
in the ground-breaking
comedy starring Kevin kline.
1103
00:49:33,995 --> 00:49:35,695
I hate this film.
David, come in here,
1104
00:49:35,730 --> 00:49:37,700
you won't believe what
they're showing again.
1105
00:49:37,735 --> 00:49:39,399
What a piece-of-shit
film. Honestly.
1106
00:49:39,401 --> 00:49:40,935
Like we're
supposed to believe...
1107
00:49:40,970 --> 00:49:42,730
look at this.
They're showing it again.
1108
00:49:42,738 --> 00:49:44,288
They showed it last week.
1109
00:49:44,295 --> 00:49:45,817
That this woman's
going to fall in love
1110
00:49:45,852 --> 00:49:47,412
with a middle-aged,
homophobic, self-hating teacher
1111
00:49:47,447 --> 00:49:49,141
who's only now
discovered he's gay.
1112
00:49:49,146 --> 00:49:50,746
We hated this movie.
1113
00:49:50,747 --> 00:49:52,097
I don't think so.
1114
00:49:52,098 --> 00:49:53,448
Change the channel. Change the channel.
1115
00:49:53,450 --> 00:49:55,250
Fuck you!
1116
00:50:07,966 --> 00:50:09,066
Hi.
1117
00:50:09,068 --> 00:50:11,052
Hi, sunny.
1118
00:50:11,087 --> 00:50:13,036
Mmm...
1119
00:50:13,038 --> 00:50:15,339
Oh, honey...
1120
00:50:15,341 --> 00:50:17,401
That's so sweet.
1121
00:50:17,410 --> 00:50:20,350
But right now
the thought of food
1122
00:50:20,385 --> 00:50:22,080
makes me want to borch.
1123
00:50:22,115 --> 00:50:24,716
Pretty picture
to wake up to, huh?
1124
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:27,253
Well, "a"...
I can't imagine
1125
00:50:27,288 --> 00:50:29,787
waking up to any other picture,
1126
00:50:29,790 --> 00:50:31,391
and, "b"...
1127
00:50:31,426 --> 00:50:34,726
I don't ever want to have to.
1128
00:50:34,730 --> 00:50:36,430
What is this?
1129
00:50:36,431 --> 00:50:37,731
It's your capers.
1130
00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:41,064
I know how you like them on the side.
1131
00:50:41,070 --> 00:50:47,810
Oh, my God.
1132
00:50:47,811 --> 00:50:49,559
Oh, shit.
1133
00:50:49,594 --> 00:50:51,307
D... huh?
1134
00:50:51,315 --> 00:50:54,275
Oh, no.
No, no, no. I...
1135
00:50:54,284 --> 00:50:56,453
of course I'll marry you.
1136
00:50:56,488 --> 00:50:59,148
It's just that now
everybody's going to think
1137
00:50:59,157 --> 00:51:02,757
we're doing it
because I'm pregnant.
1138
00:51:04,797 --> 00:51:07,997
You're kidding me.
Are you kidding me?
1139
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:12,100
Holy... Oh, my God.
1140
00:51:12,104 --> 00:51:14,906
Oh, my God.
1141
00:51:14,941 --> 00:51:16,401
Mmm. Mr. preggers.
1142
00:51:16,409 --> 00:51:20,209
Mr. preggers.
Wake up, Mr. preggers.
1143
00:51:21,482 --> 00:51:24,016
We should have
never fooled around.
1144
00:51:24,051 --> 00:51:26,311
I know. Why don't you
have some more wine?
1145
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,180
What can I say? He doesn't
make me weak in the knees.
1146
00:51:29,190 --> 00:51:32,091
Please. That is exactly
why you should be with him.
1147
00:51:32,094 --> 00:51:33,964
I mean, the ones
that make you dizzy
1148
00:51:33,999 --> 00:51:35,862
are only good for a quick fuck.
1149
00:51:35,864 --> 00:51:38,065
The rest are marriage material,
1150
00:51:38,067 --> 00:51:39,100
like Brett.
1151
00:51:39,135 --> 00:51:43,805
That is exactly
what I'm afraid of.
1152
00:51:45,041 --> 00:51:47,942
Wait. What?
1153
00:51:48,913 --> 00:51:51,343
Wow. Wow, that was fast.
1154
00:51:51,348 --> 00:51:54,048
Well, tick-tock,
you know?
1155
00:51:55,887 --> 00:51:57,120
You're crazy.
1156
00:51:57,155 --> 00:51:59,315
I want you to be
my man of honor.
1157
00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:00,524
There's no such thing.
1158
00:52:00,525 --> 00:52:02,675
So? You're
my best friend.
1159
00:52:02,677 --> 00:52:04,828
I couldn't even imagine
anybody else by my side.
1160
00:52:04,831 --> 00:52:06,871
And your first duty
as my personal slave
1161
00:52:06,906 --> 00:52:09,596
is to pretend to love it.
1162
00:52:11,070 --> 00:52:14,841
Fine. Fine. Fine.
1163
00:52:14,842 --> 00:52:18,112
Thanks. I love you.
1164
00:52:32,595 --> 00:52:37,199
It's Jackie. Again. Hello?
1165
00:52:37,234 --> 00:52:40,534
Where are you?
Call me back... stat.
1166
00:52:59,407 --> 00:53:01,597
Hi, this is Tom.
Leave a message or don't.
1167
00:53:03,529 --> 00:53:05,429
This is the bride-to-be.
1168
00:53:05,431 --> 00:53:06,891
I really wouldn't mind
1169
00:53:06,900 --> 00:53:08,533
having my best friend
around right now,
1170
00:53:08,568 --> 00:53:12,569
being that it's the most
important time of my life.
1171
00:53:12,573 --> 00:53:16,373
But, hey, maybe that's
just too much to ask for.
1172
00:55:04,164 --> 00:55:06,064
Freeze!
1173
00:56:00,594 --> 00:56:02,794
Jack. Jack, pick up.
It's me.
1174
00:56:02,796 --> 00:56:05,796
Jackie, please pick up.
1175
00:56:07,235 --> 00:56:10,305
All right, well,
I met someone...
1176
00:56:11,206 --> 00:56:14,176
Apparently. Fuck!
1177
00:56:16,812 --> 00:56:20,247
Listen, Jack, I'm...
1178
00:56:20,282 --> 00:56:25,123
I'm really sorry I haven't
returned your calls.
1179
00:56:25,158 --> 00:56:28,642
I've been a shit, all right,
1180
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:32,128
and it's me.
It's not you.
1181
00:56:32,830 --> 00:56:35,130
Like you don't know that.
1182
00:56:40,539 --> 00:56:41,899
Jack, I really, really
1183
00:56:41,907 --> 00:56:44,307
need to talk to you, all right?
1184
00:56:44,309 --> 00:56:45,769
I'm freaking out here.
1185
00:56:45,777 --> 00:56:48,378
Oh, Jesus, this guy
has the number 8
1186
00:56:48,381 --> 00:56:52,151
tattooed on his...
Wait.
1187
00:56:52,752 --> 00:56:54,852
Correction. It says
"eighth wonder."
1188
00:56:54,854 --> 00:56:58,195
Ok. Yeah. You know, I
really know how to pick them.
1189
00:56:58,230 --> 00:57:00,692
Jack, please call me back.
1190
00:57:06,334 --> 00:57:09,534
Open your eyes and look at me.
1191
00:57:09,538 --> 00:57:11,938
No, I don't think
I will kiss you...
1192
00:57:11,940 --> 00:57:15,271
although you need
kissing badly.
1193
00:57:21,384 --> 00:57:23,785
If the right moment ever came.
1194
00:57:23,787 --> 00:57:27,257
You're a conceited, black-hearted,
varmint, Rhett Butler,
1195
00:57:27,292 --> 00:57:28,927
and I don't know why
I let you come and see me.
1196
00:57:28,962 --> 00:57:31,657
I'll tell you why, Scarlett.
1197
00:57:31,663 --> 00:57:33,823
The war can't last much longer.
1198
00:57:33,831 --> 00:57:36,281
Really, Rhett. Why?
1199
00:57:36,283 --> 00:57:38,734
There's a little battle going
on right now that ought to...
1200
00:57:43,976 --> 00:57:45,236
Hello?
1201
00:57:45,244 --> 00:57:48,245
How have you been?
1202
00:57:53,687 --> 00:57:54,947
Ok.
1203
00:57:54,955 --> 00:57:56,446
Good.
1204
00:57:56,457 --> 00:57:59,617
Listen, um...
1205
00:58:02,263 --> 00:58:03,395
What?
1206
00:58:03,430 --> 00:58:04,601
Well, what I was
going to say was
1207
00:58:04,636 --> 00:58:06,230
I've been procrastinating
1208
00:58:06,235 --> 00:58:07,868
about this whole wedding thing.
1209
00:58:07,903 --> 00:58:11,243
I haven't gotten a gift
for Jackie's shower yet.
1210
00:58:11,278 --> 00:58:13,241
I guess I'm in denial.
1211
00:58:13,243 --> 00:58:15,773
I'm sure it's not
the first time.
1212
00:58:15,778 --> 00:58:18,708
Yeah. Right.
1213
00:58:19,015 --> 00:58:21,850
You know, Tom, I guess
I never got the e-mail,
1214
00:58:21,885 --> 00:58:25,455
you know, that our cooling-off
period was officially over.
1215
00:58:25,456 --> 00:58:29,327
And, frankly, I'd like
to renew my option.
1216
00:58:29,362 --> 00:58:31,597
Um... Yeah. L...
1217
00:58:31,632 --> 00:58:33,026
bye.
1218
00:58:36,568 --> 00:58:38,151
Fuck... Fuck...
1219
00:58:38,186 --> 00:58:39,806
Hi, this is Eli. Leave a message.
1220
00:58:39,841 --> 00:58:41,538
Yeah, it's Tom again.
1221
00:58:41,573 --> 00:58:43,333
Listen, I'm all for
keeping things casual...
1222
00:58:43,342 --> 00:58:44,642
now he's over me.
That's just great.
1223
00:58:44,644 --> 00:58:46,305
But that doesn't
mean we can't go out
1224
00:58:46,313 --> 00:58:47,913
and buy a baby gift
together, does it?
1225
00:58:47,914 --> 00:58:49,574
I hate people like this.
1226
00:58:49,583 --> 00:58:50,748
I know.
1227
00:58:50,783 --> 00:58:51,983
They play this game. Once
you decide to play it, too,
1228
00:58:51,985 --> 00:58:53,755
they don't want to
play it anymore.
1229
00:58:53,790 --> 00:58:55,315
I mean, what the fuck is that?
1230
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:56,813
Yeah. You know,
I'm starting to think
1231
00:58:56,824 --> 00:58:58,484
that's all there is
out there anymore.
1232
00:58:58,493 --> 00:58:59,833
Well, that's wrong.
1233
00:58:59,838 --> 00:59:01,178
Nope. No, here's
what I think.
1234
00:59:01,183 --> 00:59:02,523
I think who I am,
you know, what I've been...
1235
00:59:02,530 --> 00:59:04,131
not working so much anymore.
1236
00:59:04,132 --> 00:59:05,732
From now on, there's
going to be a whole new Eli.
1237
00:59:05,734 --> 00:59:07,734
The whole love thing...
I don't buy it.
1238
00:59:07,736 --> 00:59:09,516
Well, how come it works for me?
1239
00:59:09,521 --> 00:59:11,312
Oh, my God, you are so full of
shit. It doesn't work for you.
1240
00:59:11,347 --> 00:59:13,878
You fall in love with a
different person each week.
1241
00:59:13,913 --> 00:59:16,097
My point exactly.
1242
00:59:16,101 --> 00:59:18,321
No, no, no. You fall in love
with the idea of being in love...
1243
00:59:18,325 --> 00:59:20,546
with a married man to, what, experience
the rush of breaking up a family?
1244
00:59:20,551 --> 00:59:24,421
Now you fall in love with a
deaf guy to learn sign language?
1245
00:59:24,422 --> 00:59:25,902
Well, I did.
1246
00:59:25,906 --> 00:59:27,386
Ok, honey, this does not
constitute sign language.
1247
00:59:27,391 --> 00:59:29,992
And then with a woman
just to piss off mom and dad.
1248
00:59:29,995 --> 00:59:31,595
Ok, how much did that backfire?
1249
00:59:31,630 --> 00:59:33,700
That's the year that
they decided to run
1250
00:59:33,735 --> 00:59:35,599
for co-president
of p-flag.
1251
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:37,501
You know what, from now on,
it's just going to be
1252
00:59:37,503 --> 00:59:39,333
one-night stands,
casual sex,
1253
00:59:39,339 --> 00:59:41,399
just a lot of close friends.
1254
00:59:41,407 --> 00:59:43,007
Hmph. You sound
pathetic.
1255
00:59:43,008 --> 00:59:44,609
No, you know what? For
the first time in my life,
1256
00:59:44,611 --> 00:59:46,341
I think I actually make sense.
1257
00:59:46,347 --> 00:59:48,917
Great. Glad to help you
through the pain. Bye-bye.
1258
00:59:48,952 --> 00:59:51,016
Bye. I'll call
you later.
1259
00:59:51,017 --> 00:59:53,118
Yeah, will you tell that
other Eli to give me a call?
1260
00:59:53,121 --> 00:59:54,581
This one sucks.
1261
00:59:55,957 --> 00:59:59,397
If that's him, you're
not going shopping.
1262
01:00:01,364 --> 01:00:03,364
Ok, fyi, the only
reason I'm here
1263
01:00:03,366 --> 01:00:06,096
is because your whole
tires-got-slashed-story
1264
01:00:06,102 --> 01:00:07,702
was so much more believable
1265
01:00:07,703 --> 01:00:09,804
than the first
13 messages you left me.
1266
01:00:09,806 --> 01:00:10,939
Personally, I thought I had you
1267
01:00:10,974 --> 01:00:13,604
with the tickets to
x files on ice.
1268
01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:16,110
I already saw it.
1269
01:00:21,452 --> 01:00:23,152
I always wanted one
when I was a kid.
1270
01:00:23,154 --> 01:00:24,114
Surprising, huh?
1271
01:00:24,122 --> 01:00:26,392
Oh, my God, I had
so many dolls.
1272
01:00:26,428 --> 01:00:28,092
My dad would have killed me.
1273
01:00:28,093 --> 01:00:29,265
Really?
1274
01:00:29,300 --> 01:00:30,438
Yeah.
1275
01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:31,750
My house was like
a free-for-all.
1276
01:00:31,752 --> 01:00:33,062
My sister had all these
Barbies and kens,
1277
01:00:33,065 --> 01:00:34,625
and my parents
made me play with them.
1278
01:00:34,633 --> 01:00:36,434
Your parents forced you
to play with dolls?
1279
01:00:36,436 --> 01:00:40,166
Oh, it was just so I could learn
the names of all the body parts.
1280
01:00:40,173 --> 01:00:42,674
Pick whichever doll you like.
1281
01:00:42,709 --> 01:00:46,510
It's your choice.
They're all beautiful.
1282
01:00:47,481 --> 01:00:50,481
Good. Now switch.
1283
01:00:55,090 --> 01:00:57,560
What do you call this?
1284
01:00:57,595 --> 01:00:58,719
Vagina.
1285
01:00:58,727 --> 01:01:02,088
Yes. Vagina.
Good, Rayna.
1286
01:01:02,098 --> 01:01:05,498
Eli... Vagina.
1287
01:01:05,501 --> 01:01:08,151
Vagina.
1288
01:01:08,153 --> 01:01:10,804
Now say it like you
mean it: Va-gi-na.
1289
01:01:10,808 --> 01:01:12,208
Vagina.
1290
01:01:12,209 --> 01:01:14,869
Yes. Yes. Yes.
1291
01:01:14,878 --> 01:01:17,480
I always thought Ken was gay.
1292
01:01:17,515 --> 01:01:19,945
He was when I got
through with him.
1293
01:01:19,951 --> 01:01:22,581
That's another story.
1294
01:01:22,854 --> 01:01:25,125
You know,
you and Ken together...
1295
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:27,994
it's strangely erotic.
1296
01:01:30,196 --> 01:01:33,126
Well, we have been known
to do private shows,
1297
01:01:33,132 --> 01:01:34,893
if you're interested.
1298
01:01:34,901 --> 01:01:37,171
Not today.
1299
01:01:37,206 --> 01:01:40,040
Ok.
1300
01:01:41,842 --> 01:01:43,003
Hello, there, Eli.
1301
01:01:43,010 --> 01:01:46,650
I'm fuzzy wuzzy the bear.
1302
01:01:51,687 --> 01:01:54,687
Jackie would love this bear.
1303
01:02:02,999 --> 01:02:04,129
Was he? Was he?
1304
01:02:04,133 --> 01:02:05,603
Was he? Was he?
Was he?
1305
01:02:05,638 --> 01:02:06,653
Was he?
Was he!
1306
01:02:06,688 --> 01:02:07,670
Was he! Was he!
1307
01:02:07,671 --> 01:02:10,771
Was he. Was he.
Was he.
1308
01:02:10,774 --> 01:02:11,707
That's what I said.
1309
01:02:11,742 --> 01:02:14,042
No, no.
You said, was he?
1310
01:02:14,044 --> 01:02:15,545
It's was he.
1311
01:02:15,580 --> 01:02:16,810
What's the difference?
1312
01:02:16,815 --> 01:02:18,948
You're kidding, right?
1313
01:02:18,983 --> 01:02:21,153
You just established that
fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.
1314
01:02:21,188 --> 01:02:23,082
Why would you then ask, was he?
1315
01:02:23,088 --> 01:02:25,119
Like a question,
like you didn't know
1316
01:02:25,124 --> 01:02:27,174
if he was fuzzy or not.
1317
01:02:27,175 --> 01:02:29,225
It is a question. I'm asking
if fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.
1318
01:02:29,228 --> 01:02:30,728
What is so wrong about that?
1319
01:02:30,730 --> 01:02:32,130
It is a rhetorical question.
1320
01:02:32,131 --> 01:02:33,592
There's no answer to it.
1321
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:34,730
It's supposed to be ironic.
1322
01:02:34,735 --> 01:02:37,975
"Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't
very fuzzy, was he."
1323
01:02:51,053 --> 01:02:54,623
I don't think it's that obvious
if fuzzy wuzzy was or wasn't fuzzy.
1324
01:02:54,658 --> 01:02:57,253
It is the point of the
whole goddamn thing.
1325
01:02:57,259 --> 01:02:58,760
Man, why are you so uptight?
1326
01:02:58,762 --> 01:03:01,722
No... there always has to be
a right way with you
1327
01:03:01,731 --> 01:03:03,031
and a wrong way with you.
1328
01:03:03,066 --> 01:03:05,666
I mean, is that why
you like being with me...
1329
01:03:05,669 --> 01:03:08,870
so you can feel like
you're right all the time.
1330
01:03:08,873 --> 01:03:10,833
What? No.
1331
01:03:10,841 --> 01:03:12,741
That's... is that
what you think?
1332
01:03:12,743 --> 01:03:15,974
Alls I know is you have
this rigid idea
1333
01:03:15,981 --> 01:03:18,281
of how I should be.
1334
01:03:18,283 --> 01:03:20,817
"Alls you know"?
1335
01:03:20,852 --> 01:03:22,993
Right. Right. I can't.
1336
01:03:26,225 --> 01:03:27,655
Fuck!
1337
01:03:27,660 --> 01:03:30,630
Oh, boy, it's mine, mine, mine!
1338
01:03:31,832 --> 01:03:33,715
I love this.
1339
01:03:33,750 --> 01:03:35,670
Well, enjoy it now, honey,
because in a month or so,
1340
01:03:35,705 --> 01:03:38,069
you're going to be
ripping the seams.
1341
01:03:39,608 --> 01:03:40,708
I'm going to kill you.
1342
01:03:40,709 --> 01:03:43,269
Rachel, could you
shut the fuck up?
1343
01:03:43,278 --> 01:03:45,838
You're cackling like an idiot.
1344
01:03:45,847 --> 01:03:46,977
Come on, Liz, grab some bows
1345
01:03:46,982 --> 01:03:49,013
and help us with
the rehearsal bouquet.
1346
01:03:49,018 --> 01:03:50,748
Why do you want me to do it?
1347
01:03:50,753 --> 01:03:51,983
Because you think
it's the only time
1348
01:03:51,988 --> 01:03:53,718
I'm ever going to
get to hold one?
1349
01:03:53,723 --> 01:03:55,753
Ok, Liz, what time
is therapy, hon?
1350
01:03:55,758 --> 01:03:56,889
Do they make house calls?
1351
01:03:56,893 --> 01:03:58,723
That's really sweet.
Very supportive.
1352
01:03:58,729 --> 01:03:59,759
I'm taking my gift back.
1353
01:03:59,763 --> 01:04:01,227
I'll make it.
I'll make it.
1354
01:04:01,262 --> 01:04:02,691
Thank you.
Nice person.
1355
01:04:04,367 --> 01:04:06,038
Wait! The door. Get
the door. Get the door.
1356
01:04:06,073 --> 01:04:09,277
Oh. Uh-oh.
1357
01:04:10,241 --> 01:04:12,821
Is Jackie here?
1358
01:04:12,826 --> 01:04:15,417
Hey, Jackie, did you forget
to pay some parking tickets?
1359
01:04:15,452 --> 01:04:16,174
Hello.
1360
01:04:16,181 --> 01:04:18,181
Are you Jackie gold?
1361
01:04:18,183 --> 01:04:19,313
I'll be Jackie gold.
1362
01:04:19,318 --> 01:04:21,319
I'm going to kill you guys.
1363
01:04:21,321 --> 01:04:23,021
I can't believe you did this.
1364
01:04:23,023 --> 01:04:24,253
Jackie, you have been
1365
01:04:24,257 --> 01:04:26,887
a bad, bad, bad girl,
haven't you?
1366
01:04:26,893 --> 01:04:30,694
Oh, baby!
Oh, yeah!
1367
01:04:31,766 --> 01:04:34,736
Put that thing away.
1368
01:04:38,907 --> 01:04:42,907
Go ahead... Great angle.
1369
01:04:44,780 --> 01:04:47,081
Oh, my God.
1370
01:04:47,083 --> 01:04:51,023
You work that Booty.
1371
01:04:51,058 --> 01:04:53,820
Uh, I love him.
1372
01:04:53,823 --> 01:04:55,024
Uh-huh!
1373
01:04:55,059 --> 01:04:57,359
This is it!
This is it!
1374
01:04:58,028 --> 01:04:59,928
Ok, that is going
to be amazing!
1375
01:04:59,930 --> 01:05:01,360
Enough with the pictures.
1376
01:05:01,365 --> 01:05:02,882
That was great.
It was great.
1377
01:05:02,917 --> 01:05:04,401
I hate it with the pictures.
1378
01:05:04,402 --> 01:05:06,202
Ah, ring, ring, ring, ring.
1379
01:05:06,204 --> 01:05:07,447
Ok...
1380
01:05:07,482 --> 01:05:08,725
Forget about the ring.
1381
01:05:08,760 --> 01:05:10,040
Can we talk about our friend the cop?
1382
01:05:10,041 --> 01:05:11,942
You mean your future ex-husband?
1383
01:05:11,944 --> 01:05:14,944
So how long you been doing this?
1384
01:05:14,947 --> 01:05:17,047
Too long...
1385
01:05:18,017 --> 01:05:19,901
Let's go, ladies.
1386
01:05:19,936 --> 01:05:21,786
Let me ask you this.
1387
01:05:21,788 --> 01:05:24,098
How many of these gifts
can I take home with me?
1388
01:05:24,133 --> 01:05:25,251
You're crazy.
1389
01:05:25,258 --> 01:05:27,241
I wrap beautifully, though.
1390
01:05:27,276 --> 01:05:29,225
Don't you think
we should share?
1391
01:05:29,230 --> 01:05:32,860
You don't even like
mine. Can I take it back?
1392
01:05:32,867 --> 01:05:35,467
Excuse me... one second.
1393
01:05:35,470 --> 01:05:37,201
So, um, you know,
1394
01:05:37,206 --> 01:05:39,836
I've been kind of bad myself.
1395
01:05:39,842 --> 01:05:40,802
You have?
1396
01:06:26,460 --> 01:06:27,991
Hey.
1397
01:06:27,996 --> 01:06:29,796
Hey.
1398
01:06:29,798 --> 01:06:31,958
How much do I owe you?
1399
01:06:31,966 --> 01:06:33,665
Uh, $9.22.
1400
01:06:33,700 --> 01:06:35,431
All right, why don't
you keep that.
1401
01:06:35,437 --> 01:06:36,270
Cool.
1402
01:06:36,305 --> 01:06:37,235
Thanks a lot.
1403
01:06:37,239 --> 01:06:38,569
Have a good night.
1404
01:06:38,574 --> 01:06:41,574
You, too. Thanks.
1405
01:06:56,032 --> 01:06:56,993
Hey.
1406
01:06:56,994 --> 01:06:58,494
Hey.
1407
01:07:01,533 --> 01:07:04,063
Where did you find this?
1408
01:07:04,069 --> 01:07:07,139
Internet.
1409
01:07:09,409 --> 01:07:12,149
Thank you.
1410
01:07:12,946 --> 01:07:14,076
I took it out of the box
1411
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:15,280
so you could play with it.
1412
01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:17,952
It came in a box?
The original box?
1413
01:07:17,987 --> 01:07:19,051
Mm-hmm.
1414
01:07:19,086 --> 01:07:20,920
Where is it?
1415
01:07:20,955 --> 01:07:23,215
I tossed it. Why?
1416
01:07:24,225 --> 01:07:25,886
Why?
1417
01:07:27,128 --> 01:07:29,128
Never mind.
1418
01:07:36,973 --> 01:07:39,543
And then it happened.
1419
01:07:39,578 --> 01:07:41,512
What?
1420
01:07:41,978 --> 01:07:44,449
We went where no 2 men
should ever go
1421
01:07:44,484 --> 01:07:45,578
without a prescription.
1422
01:07:45,582 --> 01:07:48,352
Trust me. You don't want
the details.
1423
01:07:48,387 --> 01:07:49,882
Are you nuts?
1424
01:07:49,887 --> 01:07:52,888
At my age, the details
are all I got.
1425
01:07:55,093 --> 01:07:56,563
Take off your...
1426
01:07:56,598 --> 01:07:58,394
Ouch!
1427
01:07:58,429 --> 01:07:59,660
It's the remote.
1428
01:08:01,818 --> 01:08:03,901
Let's not...
1429
01:08:03,903 --> 01:08:05,118
What?
1430
01:08:05,153 --> 01:08:06,403
That's the back of my leg.
1431
01:08:06,405 --> 01:08:07,538
Oh, sorry.
1432
01:08:07,573 --> 01:08:09,307
Kidding. Kidding.
1433
01:08:09,342 --> 01:08:11,312
That's funny.
That's funny.
1434
01:08:13,480 --> 01:08:14,940
Wait.
1435
01:08:14,948 --> 01:08:17,202
Don't you want to...
1436
01:08:17,237 --> 01:08:19,095
You have a thingie?
1437
01:08:19,130 --> 01:08:20,953
Shut up. Shut up.
1438
01:08:20,955 --> 01:08:21,888
Thingie?
1439
01:08:21,923 --> 01:08:22,653
You know what I mean.
1440
01:08:22,657 --> 01:08:24,598
Do you know what I mean?
1441
01:08:24,633 --> 01:08:26,623
Yeah. Yeah.
1442
01:08:34,337 --> 01:08:35,271
Tom?
1443
01:08:35,306 --> 01:08:36,170
Yeah?
1444
01:08:36,205 --> 01:08:38,105
Look at me.
1445
01:08:38,107 --> 01:08:39,707
I... Love you.
1446
01:08:39,709 --> 01:08:41,509
Oh, my God.
1447
01:08:41,544 --> 01:08:43,308
I love you.
1448
01:08:43,314 --> 01:08:46,974
Oh, my God.
1449
01:09:10,243 --> 01:09:12,077
I'm hungry.
1450
01:09:12,112 --> 01:09:14,346
Yeah? You like eggs?
1451
01:09:14,381 --> 01:09:17,382
Why don't I make us some eggs?
1452
01:09:18,419 --> 01:09:20,449
Well, I'm supposed to
meet my parents
1453
01:09:20,455 --> 01:09:22,625
at the country club for brunch.
1454
01:09:22,660 --> 01:09:24,694
Do you want to come?
1455
01:09:34,404 --> 01:09:35,334
Hey.
1456
01:09:35,338 --> 01:09:37,138
Hi, mom.
1457
01:09:37,140 --> 01:09:39,000
Hi, sweetheart.
1458
01:09:39,009 --> 01:09:40,700
Hey, dad.
1459
01:09:40,711 --> 01:09:41,711
Tom.
1460
01:09:41,712 --> 01:09:43,472
Um, this is Eli.
1461
01:09:43,481 --> 01:09:45,341
Hi. It's nice
to meet you.
1462
01:09:45,349 --> 01:09:46,489
Hello, Eli.
1463
01:09:46,524 --> 01:09:47,244
Hi.
1464
01:09:47,251 --> 01:09:48,382
Nice to meet you.
1465
01:09:48,387 --> 01:09:50,971
Well, why don't
we all sit down?
1466
01:09:51,006 --> 01:09:53,555
Lydia and I can share a menu.
1467
01:09:54,359 --> 01:09:55,592
I'll get another set up.
1468
01:09:55,627 --> 01:09:58,568
Do you guys want coffee
or juice or anything?
1469
01:09:58,603 --> 01:10:00,624
Yeah. Coffee
with milk.
1470
01:10:00,632 --> 01:10:02,692
Can I get a mimosa
and a coffee.. And a water?
1471
01:10:02,702 --> 01:10:04,532
You'll fill up
on liquids, honey.
1472
01:10:04,537 --> 01:10:05,738
Save room for your meal.
1473
01:10:05,739 --> 01:10:07,169
Leave him alone, Lydia.
1474
01:10:07,174 --> 01:10:09,404
I wasn't criticizing him...
1475
01:10:09,409 --> 01:10:11,649
He's obviously old enough
to please himself.
1476
01:10:12,613 --> 01:10:13,744
Yeah. So, uh...
1477
01:10:13,748 --> 01:10:15,818
What have you guys been up to?
1478
01:10:15,853 --> 01:10:17,377
Well, not much really.
1479
01:10:17,385 --> 01:10:20,045
We got back from
keenan on Friday.
1480
01:10:20,055 --> 01:10:21,815
And, oh...
1481
01:10:21,822 --> 01:10:23,593
And then I took the girls
from my church group
1482
01:10:23,628 --> 01:10:25,792
to see the phantom
of the opera.
1483
01:10:25,795 --> 01:10:27,185
Oh, is that still running?
1484
01:10:27,196 --> 01:10:28,826
It was Friday night.
1485
01:10:28,831 --> 01:10:31,250
Right. Right.
I didn't know.
1486
01:10:31,285 --> 01:10:33,668
75 bucks a shot...
it's absurd.
1487
01:10:33,670 --> 01:10:35,740
It's like throwing
money in the trash.
1488
01:10:35,775 --> 01:10:37,469
It's theater, Jim.
1489
01:10:37,474 --> 01:10:39,975
It's trash, Lydia.
1490
01:10:39,977 --> 01:10:42,477
All right. All right.
But how was it up in keenan?
1491
01:10:45,083 --> 01:10:46,115
What?
What's wrong?
1492
01:10:46,150 --> 01:10:48,081
Now's not the time, honey.
1493
01:10:48,087 --> 01:10:52,657
So there's a right time
to ask about Amy?
1494
01:10:54,093 --> 01:10:55,724
Stupid.
Excuse me.
1495
01:10:55,728 --> 01:10:57,745
You heard me, Lydia.
1496
01:10:57,780 --> 01:10:59,830
You talk to me like that,
you'll see what you get from me.
1497
01:10:59,833 --> 01:11:01,333
Is that a threat, Lydia?
1498
01:11:01,334 --> 01:11:02,564
Dad, could you not...
1499
01:11:02,569 --> 01:11:03,799
shut up, Tom.
1500
01:11:03,804 --> 01:11:06,374
Oh, that's rich.
1501
01:11:09,877 --> 01:11:11,210
Let's go.
1502
01:11:11,245 --> 01:11:13,080
Come on. Let's go.
1503
01:11:13,115 --> 01:11:15,749
Let go of me.
Don't do that.
1504
01:11:15,784 --> 01:11:18,784
Don't do that.
Get your hands off me.
1505
01:11:18,787 --> 01:11:22,089
I told you...
1506
01:11:22,124 --> 01:11:25,454
You always do this.
You always pull a scene.
1507
01:11:33,770 --> 01:11:35,540
Let's go.
1508
01:11:36,273 --> 01:11:38,674
Tom. Tom, the valet's that way.
1509
01:11:38,676 --> 01:11:42,846
I'm not ready. If you want
to go, I'll take a cab.
1510
01:11:52,825 --> 01:11:55,256
It's a nice club.
1511
01:11:55,762 --> 01:11:57,262
You think if
I were half-Jewish,
1512
01:11:57,264 --> 01:12:00,204
they'd let me
halfway in the pool?
1513
01:12:05,339 --> 01:12:07,669
I'm really sorry.
1514
01:12:09,177 --> 01:12:12,608
You didn't do anything.
1515
01:12:15,184 --> 01:12:17,214
Who's Amy?
1516
01:12:20,790 --> 01:12:22,590
She's my sister.
1517
01:12:22,592 --> 01:12:25,892
What? I didn't know
you had a sister.
1518
01:12:28,699 --> 01:12:30,599
Ok. I have
a sister... Amy.
1519
01:12:30,634 --> 01:12:34,304
She lives up north at a
special needs facility.
1520
01:12:34,305 --> 01:12:36,336
Was she in an accident?
1521
01:12:36,340 --> 01:12:38,423
No. No. F.A.S...
Do you know what that is?
1522
01:12:38,458 --> 01:12:40,506
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Any other questions?
1523
01:12:40,512 --> 01:12:42,912
Hey, pal, I'm on
your side, remember?
1524
01:12:42,914 --> 01:12:45,645
I don't want anyone
on my side, remember?
1525
01:12:45,651 --> 01:12:48,721
You think just
because we fucked,
1526
01:12:48,756 --> 01:12:50,771
that makes us "we"?
1527
01:12:50,772 --> 01:12:52,822
I didn't ask for this,
for you, so just stop.
1528
01:12:52,825 --> 01:12:55,426
You called me, remember, so
make up your fucking mind!
1529
01:12:55,429 --> 01:12:59,629
How many ways do you need to be
told to leave me the fuck alone?
1530
01:12:59,633 --> 01:13:01,734
You know what, asshole?
1531
01:13:01,736 --> 01:13:03,736
Just one.
1532
01:13:16,485 --> 01:13:18,416
Alls I know...
1533
01:13:18,421 --> 01:13:19,454
all I know
1534
01:13:19,489 --> 01:13:22,124
is if I wasn't loaded half the time,
1535
01:13:22,159 --> 01:13:24,759
I probably wouldn't
be in this mess.
1536
01:13:24,761 --> 01:13:26,592
Don't you feel like
the older you get,
1537
01:13:26,597 --> 01:13:28,627
the less you really
know about anything?
1538
01:13:28,633 --> 01:13:30,666
Absolutely.
I don't know shit.
1539
01:13:30,701 --> 01:13:33,971
People think just because
I managed to make it to 60
1540
01:13:34,006 --> 01:13:35,972
without getting
a Colombian necklace
1541
01:13:35,974 --> 01:13:37,908
or run over
by a u. P.S. Truck
1542
01:13:37,943 --> 01:13:41,613
that I have the answers
to life's questions.
1543
01:13:41,648 --> 01:13:44,344
Great. Great.
So there's no hope.
1544
01:13:44,350 --> 01:13:45,810
Ah, don't do that.
1545
01:13:45,818 --> 01:13:47,518
See, I'm not
that deepshak Oprah
1546
01:13:47,553 --> 01:13:49,553
or whatever the hell
he calls himself...
1547
01:13:49,555 --> 01:13:51,756
who tells you,
you believe in yourself,
1548
01:13:51,759 --> 01:13:53,699
you can do anything.
Pish.
1549
01:13:53,734 --> 01:13:55,344
Alls I know is
1550
01:13:55,345 --> 01:13:56,995
you keep your 2 eyes
on your own paper
1551
01:13:56,997 --> 01:13:59,932
and both hands on the wheel.
1552
01:13:59,967 --> 01:14:02,867
And a multivitamin can't hurt.
1553
01:14:03,371 --> 01:14:05,371
So I guess the lesson
is the same with booze
1554
01:14:05,373 --> 01:14:08,043
as it is with guys:
Wanting it and having it...
1555
01:14:08,078 --> 01:14:10,804
totally not the same thing.
1556
01:14:11,314 --> 01:14:14,044
I'll be right back...
bathroom.
1557
01:14:24,961 --> 01:14:25,962
Hey.
1558
01:14:25,963 --> 01:14:29,103
Sometimes I think
you can want it
1559
01:14:29,138 --> 01:14:31,470
and have it.
1560
01:14:32,337 --> 01:14:35,738
Isn't that what happens now?
1561
01:14:35,741 --> 01:14:37,441
Now?
1562
01:14:37,443 --> 01:14:38,642
Oh, what do you mean...
1563
01:14:38,677 --> 01:14:40,537
about Eli being at the wedding?
1564
01:14:40,546 --> 01:14:43,047
No, that's not what I meant.
1565
01:14:44,551 --> 01:14:46,084
Oh, wait, wait...
1566
01:14:46,119 --> 01:14:47,819
no, no, you wait a minute.
1567
01:14:47,821 --> 01:14:49,385
You made me wait too long.
1568
01:14:49,420 --> 01:14:50,950
You think too much, buddy.
1569
01:14:50,958 --> 01:14:52,588
Told you... negative.
1570
01:14:52,593 --> 01:14:54,023
Great.
1571
01:14:54,028 --> 01:14:57,388
So I guess that's it.
1572
01:14:57,398 --> 01:14:59,009
It's nice meeting you.
1573
01:14:59,016 --> 01:15:00,600
Oh, you're going to be
seeing a lot more of me.
1574
01:15:00,635 --> 01:15:03,375
You'll see. You know,
now that I'm off relationships
1575
01:15:03,410 --> 01:15:05,372
and just doing
one-night stands.
1576
01:15:05,374 --> 01:15:06,804
Yeah. Sure.
1577
01:15:06,808 --> 01:15:08,139
Take a condom.
1578
01:15:08,144 --> 01:15:10,078
Used to put candy in this.
1579
01:15:10,113 --> 01:15:13,113
Anyway, I'm sorry
I talked your ear off.
1580
01:15:13,116 --> 01:15:18,017
Please. It's better than a
fucking movie, sweetheart.
1581
01:15:18,021 --> 01:15:20,881
Oh, don't you need
a parking validation?
1582
01:15:20,891 --> 01:15:23,021
Oh, God, right.
Thank you.
1583
01:15:23,026 --> 01:15:24,057
Thanks.
1584
01:15:25,130 --> 01:15:26,630
Oh, wait a second, hon.
1585
01:15:26,631 --> 01:15:29,031
Feedback clinic,
this is Esther.
1586
01:15:29,033 --> 01:15:31,463
Oh, hi, honey.
1587
01:15:31,469 --> 01:15:33,810
How you doing?
1588
01:15:33,845 --> 01:15:35,288
What?
1589
01:15:35,323 --> 01:15:36,833
No, what?
Go ahead, ask me.
1590
01:15:36,842 --> 01:15:41,173
Well, I'm not a mind reader.
1591
01:15:41,181 --> 01:15:43,033
You ever seen me on the fucking
1592
01:15:43,068 --> 01:15:44,886
psychic friends
network channel?
1593
01:15:44,921 --> 01:15:46,715
So what... all right...
1594
01:15:46,720 --> 01:15:49,691
would you just
shut up for a minute?
1595
01:15:49,726 --> 01:15:52,760
Ok, so don't tell me.
1596
01:15:53,728 --> 01:15:56,658
Trust me, Esther,
one-night stands.
1597
01:15:56,664 --> 01:16:00,095
It's all black-and-white
for you, isn't it?
1598
01:16:00,102 --> 01:16:01,034
What?
1599
01:16:01,069 --> 01:16:03,669
I have been married
to that putz
1600
01:16:03,672 --> 01:16:05,072
for 42 years.
1601
01:16:05,107 --> 01:16:08,068
The strongest, healthiest man
1602
01:16:08,077 --> 01:16:09,077
all his life.
1603
01:16:09,078 --> 01:16:12,578
And all of a sudden
he gets sick...
1604
01:16:12,582 --> 01:16:14,883
lung cancer.
1605
01:16:14,885 --> 01:16:18,322
He never smoked
a day in his life.
1606
01:16:18,357 --> 01:16:21,724
Pretty fucking
ironic, isn't it?
1607
01:16:21,759 --> 01:16:24,160
He's even got someone
taking care of him
1608
01:16:24,162 --> 01:16:28,062
in the afternoon...
just like a little boy.
1609
01:16:28,934 --> 01:16:30,634
But he's dying.
1610
01:16:30,635 --> 01:16:33,106
And if I stop Hawking him
1611
01:16:33,141 --> 01:16:34,905
and giving him shit,
1612
01:16:34,907 --> 01:16:36,807
and calling him an asshole,
1613
01:16:36,809 --> 01:16:38,969
he'll know he's dying.
1614
01:16:38,978 --> 01:16:41,219
So I don't stop.
1615
01:16:41,982 --> 01:16:43,642
Plus, he is an asshole,
1616
01:16:43,650 --> 01:16:46,210
so that's a bonus.
1617
01:16:48,056 --> 01:16:50,556
So I've got my
grandmother's ring.
1618
01:16:50,558 --> 01:16:51,858
That's old and borrowed.
1619
01:16:51,893 --> 01:16:53,953
And Rachel got me
that blue thong.
1620
01:16:53,962 --> 01:16:55,612
Ooh, hoochie floss.
1621
01:16:55,613 --> 01:16:57,264
You got something else
that's new and blue?
1622
01:16:57,266 --> 01:16:59,196
Oh, actually, yeah, I do.
1623
01:16:59,201 --> 01:17:03,511
Holy shit, Tom!
What happened?
1624
01:17:03,546 --> 01:17:05,207
Bad date.
1625
01:17:05,208 --> 01:17:06,241
What did you do,
1626
01:17:06,276 --> 01:17:08,646
pick him up on the street?
1627
01:17:08,681 --> 01:17:10,375
Worse. Aa.
1628
01:17:10,379 --> 01:17:12,109
Apparently, he uses sex
to work through anger,
1629
01:17:12,115 --> 01:17:15,886
which is fine when you're
not quite that angry.
1630
01:17:15,887 --> 01:17:18,687
What am I going to do with you?
1631
01:17:18,689 --> 01:17:20,459
I smell a lecture.
1632
01:17:20,494 --> 01:17:22,192
Fuck you, Tom.
1633
01:17:22,227 --> 01:17:24,957
Ok, you blow off
a great guy...
1634
01:17:24,963 --> 01:17:26,863
who by the way
doesn't hit...
1635
01:17:26,864 --> 01:17:28,764
because he made the tragic
mistake of falling for you.
1636
01:17:28,767 --> 01:17:31,668
And instead you're
doing ike and Tina Turner
1637
01:17:31,671 --> 01:17:33,604
with some asshole from aa.
1638
01:17:33,639 --> 01:17:35,609
Well, you know, at least
he's not at Williams-sonoma
1639
01:17:35,644 --> 01:17:39,179
registering for
a commitment ceremony.
1640
01:17:40,281 --> 01:17:42,011
You're right.
1641
01:17:42,015 --> 01:17:43,755
You're right.
Eli is such a loser.
1642
01:17:43,790 --> 01:17:46,051
I'm going home.
1643
01:18:01,237 --> 01:18:04,008
Holy shit.
1644
01:18:04,908 --> 01:18:06,612
What's the matter?
1645
01:18:06,647 --> 01:18:08,277
What? Nothing.
1646
01:18:08,312 --> 01:18:10,312
Bullshit. Why aren't
you getting dressed?
1647
01:18:10,314 --> 01:18:13,345
I'm nervous about
seeing Tom at the wedding.
1648
01:18:13,351 --> 01:18:14,961
That's all.
1649
01:18:14,969 --> 01:18:17,013
See, only you could
turn my wedding day
1650
01:18:17,048 --> 01:18:19,058
into the Eli Wyckoff show.
You know that?
1651
01:18:19,093 --> 01:18:20,758
I'm sorry, ok?
Believe me,
1652
01:18:20,759 --> 01:18:22,999
nobody can hate me
as much as I do.
1653
01:18:23,034 --> 01:18:24,625
Oh, my God. You know,
1654
01:18:24,629 --> 01:18:26,269
you have to change
the fucking record, man.
1655
01:18:26,304 --> 01:18:28,746
You have to stop!
1656
01:18:28,751 --> 01:18:31,241
You cannot make this be the
be-all, end-all of your entire life!
1657
01:18:31,276 --> 01:18:32,917
I'm not.
1658
01:18:32,922 --> 01:18:34,612
Yeah, that's exactly what you're
doing. Let me tell you something.
1659
01:18:34,647 --> 01:18:36,638
Love, right? It's going to
come up, and it's just going to
1660
01:18:36,643 --> 01:18:40,204
whack you on the back of the head
before you even know what hit you.
1661
01:18:40,214 --> 01:18:41,564
I don't believe that.
1662
01:18:41,565 --> 01:18:42,915
This is what happened
to me and Jackie.
1663
01:18:42,917 --> 01:18:44,447
You and Jackie were lucky.
1664
01:18:44,451 --> 01:18:45,992
You know, you're so...
you're unbelievable.
1665
01:18:46,027 --> 01:18:47,788
I was miserable
before I met her,
1666
01:18:47,789 --> 01:18:49,122
and it just happens, you know?
1667
01:18:49,157 --> 01:18:51,017
I mean, you're
a fucking amazing guy.
1668
01:18:51,026 --> 01:18:52,626
You don't have to
do this. Don't do...
1669
01:18:52,628 --> 01:18:55,399
please shut up. You're
a great guy, you know.
1670
01:18:55,434 --> 01:18:57,158
I mean, if I were into guys,
1671
01:18:57,166 --> 01:18:58,926
we'd be in China right now
picking out a baby.
1672
01:18:58,935 --> 01:19:00,135
Thank God I'm not, but...
1673
01:19:00,136 --> 01:19:02,197
I'm kidding.
You know I love the gays.
1674
01:19:02,206 --> 01:19:03,906
And we appreciate it.
1675
01:19:03,907 --> 01:19:05,937
Guys.
1676
01:19:05,943 --> 01:19:07,073
Uh, Mitch.
1677
01:19:07,077 --> 01:19:08,207
I don't know if it's just me,
1678
01:19:08,212 --> 01:19:09,642
but I'm loving this tux.
1679
01:19:09,647 --> 01:19:10,908
You like the tux?
1680
01:19:10,915 --> 01:19:13,465
Loving it.
1681
01:19:13,467 --> 01:19:16,027
Mitch, remember how we
discussed the ritalin situation?
1682
01:19:20,359 --> 01:19:23,389
Just please put on your pants.
1683
01:19:23,396 --> 01:19:25,296
Or get a tan.
1684
01:19:25,297 --> 01:19:26,831
Get doubles.
I want all of these.
1685
01:19:26,866 --> 01:19:28,297
Oh, yeah. When my sister got married,
1686
01:19:28,301 --> 01:19:31,331
the best pictures were,
like, from the instamatics.
1687
01:19:31,338 --> 01:19:33,338
Your sister got married?
1688
01:19:33,340 --> 01:19:35,290
Yes.
1689
01:19:35,291 --> 01:19:37,242
Jesus. Fuck.
What is my problem?
1690
01:19:37,245 --> 01:19:39,514
I'm like man poison...
1691
01:19:39,549 --> 01:19:41,783
fucking penis raid.
1692
01:19:41,818 --> 01:19:43,143
Whatever.
1693
01:19:43,151 --> 01:19:44,182
Ok, girls...
1694
01:19:44,186 --> 01:19:45,686
How do I look?
1695
01:19:45,688 --> 01:19:47,188
Oh, my God.
1696
01:19:47,189 --> 01:19:49,889
You look like a movie star.
1697
01:19:49,892 --> 01:19:52,353
Really?
Yes.
1698
01:19:52,362 --> 01:19:53,683
Seriously.
1699
01:19:53,718 --> 01:19:55,039
Oh, Christ.
In a million years,
1700
01:19:55,074 --> 01:19:56,424
I never thought I'd be
wearing white this soon.
1701
01:19:56,433 --> 01:19:58,833
Yeah, well, you shouldn't
be, unless you want me
1702
01:19:58,835 --> 01:20:01,436
to call the pope and tell
him it happened again.
1703
01:20:01,439 --> 01:20:04,239
Hey, I would have
worn the cream one,
1704
01:20:04,241 --> 01:20:07,041
except for it made me look like
a Jenny Craig "before" picture.
1705
01:20:07,044 --> 01:20:09,145
Are you crazy?
1706
01:20:09,147 --> 01:20:11,147
Where's Tom?
1707
01:20:11,149 --> 01:20:13,149
He's out on the patio.
1708
01:20:13,150 --> 01:20:15,150
I mean, he is a man, after all. What?
1709
01:20:15,151 --> 01:20:17,151
Repellent, remember? Gay or
straight... doesn't matter.
1710
01:20:17,155 --> 01:20:19,286
Hey, put that out.
1711
01:20:19,292 --> 01:20:21,022
You're killing my unborn child.
1712
01:20:21,027 --> 01:20:23,287
I was aiming a little higher.
1713
01:20:23,296 --> 01:20:25,126
Oh, nice.
1714
01:20:25,130 --> 01:20:26,961
What are you doing out here?
1715
01:20:30,471 --> 01:20:34,502
Oh, my God!
Eli was stalking you?
1716
01:20:34,509 --> 01:20:37,269
That is so romantic.
1717
01:20:37,278 --> 01:20:38,978
Well, not to me.
1718
01:20:38,980 --> 01:20:40,980
Oh. Oh, that's right,
that's right,
1719
01:20:40,982 --> 01:20:42,913
but if he tried to kill you,
1720
01:20:42,918 --> 01:20:45,488
then you'd be picking
out China patterns.
1721
01:20:45,523 --> 01:20:48,358
Hey, you all right?
1722
01:20:48,393 --> 01:20:50,291
Yeah. Yeah.
1723
01:20:50,326 --> 01:20:52,294
Just... You're
getting married.
1724
01:20:52,329 --> 01:20:54,262
I'm having abandonment issues.
1725
01:20:54,264 --> 01:20:56,364
I'm just extending
the family, babe.
1726
01:20:56,366 --> 01:20:57,866
Jackie, let's go!
1727
01:20:57,868 --> 01:21:00,109
We'll be right there!
1728
01:21:00,144 --> 01:21:01,264
Oh...
1729
01:21:05,810 --> 01:21:09,351
Tom, I owe you an apology.
1730
01:21:09,386 --> 01:21:11,381
For what?
1731
01:21:11,416 --> 01:21:13,486
The way I've been
pressuring you about Eli.
1732
01:21:13,521 --> 01:21:15,418
I realize I've just been trying
1733
01:21:15,453 --> 01:21:17,414
to make you like everybody
else, and you're not...
1734
01:21:17,423 --> 01:21:21,523
And that's one of the
things I love about you.
1735
01:21:21,528 --> 01:21:24,459
You're the only guy I know
who will probably never find
1736
01:21:24,465 --> 01:21:28,535
that one person to settle down
with, and still be very happy.
1737
01:21:28,536 --> 01:21:30,936
I envy that.
1738
01:21:30,938 --> 01:21:33,539
Jackie, get your ass in here,
1739
01:21:33,542 --> 01:21:35,812
or I'm wearing the veil.
1740
01:21:37,245 --> 01:21:39,445
We're coming!
1741
01:21:39,447 --> 01:21:41,848
But look at me. Shit!
1742
01:21:41,851 --> 01:21:45,291
I'm, like, one step away
from den mother, p. T.A.,
1743
01:21:45,326 --> 01:21:47,348
and, "hi, honey,
I'm home!"
1744
01:21:47,356 --> 01:21:49,456
How the fuck did that happen?
1745
01:21:49,458 --> 01:21:51,419
I guess you fell in love.
1746
01:21:51,428 --> 01:21:53,928
What? Oh, no, no, no.
I just got lipstick
1747
01:21:53,931 --> 01:21:56,361
all over every single
one of my teeth.
1748
01:21:56,366 --> 01:21:59,877
How did I do that? Hmm.
1749
01:22:00,905 --> 01:22:05,242
All right.
Well, it's show time.
1750
01:22:05,277 --> 01:22:09,581
You may exchange the rings.
1751
01:22:09,949 --> 01:22:13,409
Wow.
It's a nice one.
1752
01:22:18,258 --> 01:22:19,958
Congratulations!
1753
01:22:19,960 --> 01:22:22,490
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1754
01:22:22,495 --> 01:22:24,026
You may kiss the bride.
1755
01:22:25,633 --> 01:22:26,933
Mazel tov!
1756
01:22:58,136 --> 01:23:00,066
Eli.
1757
01:23:02,607 --> 01:23:03,607
Eli.
1758
01:23:03,608 --> 01:23:04,968
Yeah?
1759
01:23:04,976 --> 01:23:07,537
How... how long are
we going to have
1760
01:23:07,546 --> 01:23:10,276
to keep ignoring each other?
1761
01:23:10,283 --> 01:23:11,916
What?
1762
01:23:11,951 --> 01:23:13,451
I'm not ignoring you.
1763
01:23:13,452 --> 01:23:15,887
Are you ignoring me?
1764
01:23:15,922 --> 01:23:18,392
Come on, Eli. You haven't
returned one of my phone calls,
1765
01:23:18,427 --> 01:23:22,193
and you've said maybe 3
words to me the entire day,
1766
01:23:22,196 --> 01:23:24,880
two of which were
"seafood newburg."
1767
01:23:24,915 --> 01:23:27,565
Which I have to say
was repulsive.
1768
01:23:29,203 --> 01:23:31,404
Can I get some more
champagne? Champagne?
1769
01:23:31,407 --> 01:23:32,907
Um, no.
Can I get a...
1770
01:23:32,942 --> 01:23:34,622
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
1771
01:23:34,626 --> 01:23:36,316
Absolut Martini, straight
up, two olives. Make it dirty.
1772
01:23:36,351 --> 01:23:40,013
No, no. Actually,
seltzer with lime, please.
1773
01:23:40,517 --> 01:23:45,557
What? So now you're...
Not drinking?
1774
01:23:48,459 --> 01:23:52,029
Wow. Good for you.
1775
01:23:52,064 --> 01:23:54,329
Thanks.
1776
01:23:54,332 --> 01:23:55,533
I sort of had to.
1777
01:23:55,534 --> 01:23:58,494
I was slipping in the polls.
1778
01:23:58,737 --> 01:24:01,437
Yeah, well...
1779
01:24:01,439 --> 01:24:04,140
I, on the other hand,
need some more champagne.
1780
01:24:24,666 --> 01:24:26,166
Look, Eli,
I'm sorry I didn't...
1781
01:24:26,167 --> 01:24:29,098
you know what?
Let's not do any of that...
1782
01:24:29,105 --> 01:24:33,315
"I'm sorry it didn't work
out" postmortem stuff, ok?
1783
01:24:34,010 --> 01:24:36,844
Ok.
1784
01:24:36,879 --> 01:24:40,130
Besides, it will free up
some time to make fun of people...
1785
01:24:40,165 --> 01:24:43,380
Like Mitch, man of mystery,
teaching the rabbi the macarena.
1786
01:24:43,387 --> 01:24:45,417
What is this, 1987?
1787
01:24:45,422 --> 01:24:47,403
Did you see Brett's mom?
1788
01:24:47,408 --> 01:24:49,388
I've never seen a woman
with more hair on her back.
1789
01:24:49,394 --> 01:24:52,164
I know. I keep waiting
for the antifur activists
1790
01:24:52,199 --> 01:24:55,234
to storm in here
and throw paint on her.
1791
01:24:55,269 --> 01:24:57,164
Poor Brett and Jackie.
1792
01:24:57,168 --> 01:24:59,108
They have no idea what
they've gotten themselves into,
1793
01:24:59,143 --> 01:25:01,137
but they will...
mark my words.
1794
01:25:01,172 --> 01:25:03,243
See, first, they'll only
hang out with other couples,
1795
01:25:03,278 --> 01:25:05,643
and then they'll start
doing the "we" thing.
1796
01:25:05,645 --> 01:25:08,715
"Oh, we love this,
and we hate that."
1797
01:25:08,750 --> 01:25:10,245
And ordering for each other,
1798
01:25:10,250 --> 01:25:12,181
because "that's what
we always have."
1799
01:25:12,186 --> 01:25:14,586
Before you know it,
she'll be shopping
1800
01:25:14,588 --> 01:25:16,128
for lingerie at bloomingdale's,
1801
01:25:16,163 --> 01:25:17,453
and Brett, the poor loser,
1802
01:25:17,458 --> 01:25:19,359
will be outside
the dressing room
1803
01:25:19,361 --> 01:25:22,731
with her pocketbook in his lap.
1804
01:25:22,766 --> 01:25:24,164
Oh, my God.
1805
01:25:24,199 --> 01:25:27,199
You are so full of shit,
you know that?
1806
01:25:27,202 --> 01:25:30,333
You got this bullshit
"I don't need anyone" thing,
1807
01:25:30,339 --> 01:25:32,373
and you use that, thinking
it's going to shield you
1808
01:25:32,408 --> 01:25:36,179
from the fact that your parents
were drunks, had a lousy marriage,
1809
01:25:36,180 --> 01:25:37,810
and fucked up everyone
in their lives.
1810
01:25:37,815 --> 01:25:40,375
But it's your life now,
not theirs.
1811
01:25:40,384 --> 01:25:42,444
And what do you have
to show for it?
1812
01:25:42,453 --> 01:25:46,643
You're just another
self-hating recovering alcoholic
1813
01:25:46,678 --> 01:25:50,833
with nothing to live for
but a Martini and a blow job.
1814
01:25:55,201 --> 01:25:57,831
Eli. Eli!
1815
01:25:57,837 --> 01:25:58,797
Hey!
1816
01:26:00,806 --> 01:26:03,337
Don't you dare sum me up!
1817
01:26:03,343 --> 01:26:05,743
You don't know
the first thing about me.
1818
01:26:05,745 --> 01:26:08,485
And that would be whose fault? Oh, God.
1819
01:26:08,520 --> 01:26:10,816
God. You know what?
1820
01:26:10,851 --> 01:26:13,221
It's so easy for you, Mr. love
is a many-splendored thing.
1821
01:26:13,256 --> 01:26:16,121
But you know what?
I've seen it. I've seen it.
1822
01:26:16,124 --> 01:26:19,225
My parents loved one another
"till death do us part,"
1823
01:26:19,228 --> 01:26:21,428
and believe me,
it practically came to that.
1824
01:26:21,430 --> 01:26:24,260
I mean, have you...
Have you ever heard
1825
01:26:24,266 --> 01:26:28,507
the sound of two people
suffocating one another?
1826
01:26:28,542 --> 01:26:30,435
Have you?
1827
01:26:30,439 --> 01:26:32,379
Or the sound of ice cubes
smashing against the wall,
1828
01:26:32,414 --> 01:26:35,306
or a pot roast being
shoved down the disposal?
1829
01:26:35,312 --> 01:26:39,382
No. How could you possibly,
with your touchy-feely,
1830
01:26:39,383 --> 01:26:42,483
"I'm ok, you're ok" parents?
1831
01:26:42,686 --> 01:26:45,790
I'm sorry I'm bursting
your little bubble,
1832
01:26:45,825 --> 01:26:48,894
but there are
a million guys out there
1833
01:26:48,929 --> 01:26:51,324
who can give you what you want.
1834
01:26:51,329 --> 01:26:55,500
I'm just not one of them.
1835
01:26:55,501 --> 01:26:57,535
I'm sorry.
1836
01:26:57,570 --> 01:27:01,341
You do the math.
1837
01:27:01,909 --> 01:27:03,709
You know what?
1838
01:27:03,710 --> 01:27:08,751
Fuck you if that's the
wrong use of that expression.
1839
01:28:13,421 --> 01:28:17,332
I just wanted to say
before I go...
1840
01:28:17,927 --> 01:28:20,027
I'm sorry.
1841
01:28:21,897 --> 01:28:24,598
I don't want you
to leave here today
1842
01:28:24,601 --> 01:28:28,441
thinking that
you can't do this...
1843
01:28:28,476 --> 01:28:30,438
being a...
1844
01:28:32,710 --> 01:28:35,410
Because you can.
1845
01:28:35,713 --> 01:28:39,353
Tom, you are going
to meet someone...
1846
01:28:39,584 --> 01:28:43,124
And you are going
to be so great at this.
1847
01:28:43,159 --> 01:28:46,624
And it's not going to be
like your parents,
1848
01:28:46,659 --> 01:28:52,600
and... And it's not going
to be like it was with me.
1849
01:28:56,603 --> 01:28:58,934
Anyway, um...
1850
01:29:02,043 --> 01:29:04,313
I'll see you around.
1851
01:29:04,348 --> 01:29:05,983
Eli.
1852
01:29:07,382 --> 01:29:09,082
What?
1853
01:29:09,084 --> 01:29:12,924
What exactly do you want?
1854
01:29:14,924 --> 01:29:16,754
What... what do I?
1855
01:29:16,759 --> 01:29:17,859
Yeah.
1856
01:29:17,894 --> 01:29:20,864
Yeah, you.
1857
01:29:22,499 --> 01:29:28,369
I wanted... This to stop
being so fucking hard.
1858
01:29:31,343 --> 01:29:34,043
I want to meet your sister.
1859
01:29:36,815 --> 01:29:39,616
I want to be over
this part, you know,
1860
01:29:39,618 --> 01:29:42,518
so that I can
call you an asshole,
1861
01:29:42,521 --> 01:29:44,921
even when you're sick, and...
1862
01:29:44,924 --> 01:29:48,085
You'd still know
how much I love you.
1863
01:29:48,095 --> 01:29:49,505
Eli...
1864
01:29:49,512 --> 01:29:51,941
I don't know what
you call that, Tom...
1865
01:29:51,976 --> 01:29:54,333
pocketbook-holding,
suffocating, maybe...
1866
01:29:54,368 --> 01:29:58,569
But if I could ever have
anything even close to that...
1867
01:29:58,573 --> 01:30:00,573
Eli.
1868
01:30:26,437 --> 01:30:28,677
So I'm gonna go, ok?
1869
01:30:29,674 --> 01:30:32,044
Valet's got my car.
1870
01:30:32,079 --> 01:30:33,473
Got to...
1871
01:30:33,478 --> 01:30:37,118
Hey! There you are.
Oh, Eli! Hey.
1872
01:30:37,153 --> 01:30:38,031
Hey.
1873
01:30:38,066 --> 01:30:39,016
Uh, should I...
Or is...
1874
01:30:39,018 --> 01:30:40,818
Is everything ok?
1875
01:30:40,819 --> 01:30:42,619
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up with the braid?
1876
01:30:42,622 --> 01:30:45,422
Oh, uh, Brett did it.
It's a long story.
1877
01:30:45,425 --> 01:30:47,310
Ok, I need to take
a personal moment.
1878
01:30:47,345 --> 01:30:49,194
What's the matter?
You're not having fun?
1879
01:30:49,196 --> 01:30:51,166
Oh, I was till
about 5 minutes ago.
1880
01:30:51,201 --> 01:30:52,797
What happened?
1881
01:30:52,832 --> 01:30:54,492
I put my left foot in,
I put my left foot out,
1882
01:30:54,501 --> 01:30:57,762
I put my left foot in,
and then I threw up.
1883
01:30:58,873 --> 01:31:00,733
The baby?
1884
01:31:00,741 --> 01:31:02,611
Uh, no. Brett's cousin Al
bumped his pokey into my hokey,
1885
01:31:02,646 --> 01:31:04,661
and I borched, all right?
1886
01:31:04,696 --> 01:31:06,776
I think Brett is the only
normal person in that family.
1887
01:31:06,782 --> 01:31:08,132
Yeah.
1888
01:31:08,133 --> 01:31:09,483
Ok, can we talk about
his brother Mitch?
1889
01:31:09,485 --> 01:31:10,815
Hello? Freaky mcfreak!
1890
01:31:10,819 --> 01:31:12,150
I know. The guy wants to
get into cirque du soleil.
1891
01:31:12,155 --> 01:31:15,085
I swear to you, he says
he can swallow his own leg.
1892
01:31:15,091 --> 01:31:17,791
Well... Yo, what's up?
1893
01:31:17,794 --> 01:31:19,124
How are you doin'?
1894
01:31:19,129 --> 01:31:21,460
What am I missing?
1895
01:31:21,465 --> 01:31:23,795
Oh, just a family resemblance,
and I love you for it.
1896
01:31:23,801 --> 01:31:26,301
Ok. I don't know
what that means.
1897
01:31:26,336 --> 01:31:28,867
Uh, I'm really smashed. I think
I just made out with the rabbi.
1898
01:31:28,874 --> 01:31:29,874
Is that...?
1899
01:31:29,875 --> 01:31:30,775
He is hot.
1900
01:31:30,776 --> 01:31:31,736
Is there gonna be dancing?
1901
01:31:31,743 --> 01:31:32,843
Are we gonna dance?
1902
01:31:32,878 --> 01:31:34,678
'Cause I promised the family
1903
01:31:34,679 --> 01:31:36,479
some hot man-on-man
action tonight.
1904
01:31:36,482 --> 01:31:37,653
You and me?
1905
01:31:37,688 --> 01:31:38,710
No.
1906
01:31:38,717 --> 01:31:39,777
I think he means me.
1907
01:31:39,786 --> 01:31:41,186
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
1908
01:31:41,221 --> 01:31:44,021
It's gonna be fun.
Come on, sweetheart.
1909
01:31:44,023 --> 01:31:46,459
Oh, look at that ass!
1910
01:31:46,494 --> 01:31:48,174
A little something like that,
1911
01:31:48,178 --> 01:31:49,858
or if you want,
we could do eighties style.
1912
01:31:49,864 --> 01:31:51,848
No? Come on.
Stuff like that,
1913
01:31:51,883 --> 01:31:53,833
and then maybe a little unh!
1914
01:31:53,835 --> 01:31:55,665
You know what I'm saying?
1915
01:31:55,670 --> 01:31:57,020
Ow. Ow.
1916
01:31:57,026 --> 01:31:58,347
You're stepping on my foot.
1917
01:31:58,382 --> 01:31:59,732
How hot does
this broad look tonight?
1918
01:31:59,741 --> 01:32:01,801
So I meant to tell you,
1919
01:32:01,810 --> 01:32:03,871
I finally saw
gone with the wind.
1920
01:32:03,880 --> 01:32:05,170
And?
1921
01:32:05,181 --> 01:32:07,581
And... And I loved it.
1922
01:32:07,583 --> 01:32:09,113
Oh, thank God.
1923
01:32:09,117 --> 01:32:10,971
See, I think Scarlett
realizes in the end
1924
01:32:11,006 --> 01:32:12,879
that it was just fear
holding her back
1925
01:32:12,914 --> 01:32:14,753
from the guy
that she wanted to...
1926
01:32:14,758 --> 01:32:18,058
You know, hold her pocketbook.
1927
01:32:18,061 --> 01:32:19,262
Yeah.
1928
01:32:19,264 --> 01:32:21,824
And the thing
about Rhett Butler...
1929
01:32:21,833 --> 01:32:22,793
Yeah?
1930
01:32:22,800 --> 01:32:25,100
He wasn't
very fuzzy... Was he?
137338
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