Original subtitles

[sighs] Hannah Bickleman is torturing my soul.

Who is Hannah Bickleman?

She's my science lab partner...

Blue eyes, smells like coconut...

And she wears a bra. Mm.

Her birthday's coming up,

and I don't think she's going to invite me.

Well, you're new, man. Nobody knows you yet.

[sighs] Let's speak frankly here.

I know I'm not cool, and you know I'm not cool.

So teach me, Will. Mold me.

I've got to get an invite.

Seducing women is an art, okay?

It's not something you learn overnight.

You're gonna need years of practice

and a major growth spurt.

I don't have time for a growth spurt, Will.

[vehicle approaching] Hold that thought for a sec.

Something sexy this way comes.

[car alarm chirps]

Dakota's actually going to my house.

My mom is having a talk circle for the moms in my grade

in an attempt to negotiate friends for me.

Hmm. That should solve everything.

Thanks. It took a lot of brainstorming.

Okay, later we're gonna have a nice little lesson

on decoding sarcasm.

But first, watch...

And learn, my child.

Cello!

No cello this time, Will.

I'm here for a talk circle at Fiona's.

- Oh, that's great. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Sounds like fun.

Well, maybe after the talk circle

you could stop over here and we can...

- Not talk. - Great.

We can... Not talk about the made-up son

you gave made-up leukemia to.

In fact, there's a lot of things

I'd like to not talk to you about.

Good-bye, Will.

Wow.

It's like I've just witnessed superman crippled by kryptonite

with my own naked eyes.

[exhales deeply]

Yeah.

This is a talking stick.

It's an ancient instrument of aboriginal democracy.

I picked this one up on my travels through Western Africa.

So my son has mentioned to me that...

He's had difficulty making friends.

You know, it's tough to be new, isn't it?

And it's tough to feel excluded...

Not that I feel that.

I thought maybe we could open this up to the circle

and manifest a solution.

I heard there's a big birthday party coming up.

Um, Hannah.

That's your daughter, isn't it, Joanne?

- Yes, she is. - Oh, here you go.

I'm okay. That's okay.

Do you know, at Marcus's old school,

they had this brilliant, mandatory,

all-inclusive invite policy?

Oh.

Well, has your son tried joining a sports team?

Oh, yes, my son Miguel has had great success

doing softball.

Oh, my Marcus... Not much of an athlete.

Well, look on the bright side.

Sports teams means a lot of driving

and practices and all those pizza parties.

Tell me about it. It's like I'm a chauffeur.

Right. I mean, maybe we need to manifest a solution, okay?

Really. [laughter]

There's a solution down the street at a pub.

[laughter]

Bye!

Kwaheri. Asanteni sana.

That's Swahili for "bugger off."

Hi, Dakota.

Listen, middle school's rough,

and so are these moms groups.

It's not you, okay? It's them.

I just wanted to say that before I left.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

- I'm gonna have a glass. - Can I have one?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Going that way. - I liked your stick.

Now, there are two entire systems

that you and I have that flatworms do not possess...

Circulatory and respiratory.

So they don't have

a blood-pumping heart like we do.

[whispering] Marcus.

Marcus.

Uh, yes? Speaking.

Do you think that you could...

Yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes!

Pass that to Trevor for me? Thanks.

Here you go.

Here we go

Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

- Synced and corrected by madhatters - - www.addic7ed.com -

It's over for both of us, Will.

[door slams] What?

I didn't get an invite.

We've both been rejected by our soul mates.

- [sighs] - You by Dakota...

[sighs] and me by Hannah.

I wouldn't exactly call Dakota my soul mate, but, uh...

It's just the same as it was in Roanoke.

And Santa Fe and Butte.

Even in Kenya, I'm the school geek.

You lived in Kenya?

I'm an honorary Kikuyu tribe member,

but that's a story for another day.

Listen, Marcus,

you're a sweet, smart, honest, just wonderful kid.

Unfortunately, those qualities repel women.

They like guys who are mysterious.

- You mean like magicians? - No. No, no, no.

Like... like the opposite of... of magicians.

Um, girls like what they can't have.

They like bad boys...

Guys who ignore them.

Can you be a bad boy?

Sometimes I don't rinse out my cereal bowl.

Mm. [vehicle approaching]

Let's put this on pause for one second.

Yes. Dakota is back.

[car alarm chirps] All right, I'm going back in.

Isn't that kind of needy?

I thought girls only like bad boys,

guys who ignore them.

I like where you're going with this.

[engine revving]

- Isn't that driving you crazy? - What?

Oh, that. No, he's always there.

I've learned to tune him out, like a crow or a leaf blower.

I'd take some of that leaf blower.

If I might be so bold, Dakota,

I think you get to know men

at the expense of getting to know yourself.

I'm not that interesting.

Do you know I thought the same thing about myself?

And then I went on a journey of self-discovery,

and I intentionally didn't date, and I looked inward.

I called that time of my life "the nomadic years."

Nomadic years?

Fiona, you've just blown my mind!

- [laughs] - [engine revs]

You know, that really is bloody annoying!

Sorry, I'm just working on my hog.

It's my bad.

Sometimes I run with them like this...

Not full speed, but fast enough to make it dicey.

What are you doing?

I'm being bad. I'm kind of a bad boy.

I wanted to keep a low profile my first few weeks here, but...

It's time you learned the truth.

Well, can you help me out with this?

I could, but I won't.

I'm being tough.

And just a heads-up...

Now I'm gonna start ignoring you.

Well, would you just tell me which beaker I pour into which?

Eh, you'll figure it out.

Seriously?

Fine.

[sighs]

[screams]

Oh, my God! Marcus, are you all right?

Oh, mom. I am in trouble, big trouble.

We're talking a lifetime of shame here.

Well, the phone call I got said that you instigated

some sort of science explosion, but I told the principal

I couldn't believe that that was intentional.

Oh, it was intentional.

A real bad boy would lie and say it wasn't,

but look at me.

I'm not a bad boy. I'm singing like a canary.

[sighs] I did it.

Why did you do it?

Will told me to be an unattainable bad boy.

He what?

I thought it would get me invited

to Hannah's birthday party, but it wasn't worth it, mom.

No party is worth tarnishing my permanent record.

It was so beautiful, so clean.

Oh, Joanne, I'm so glad that...

Not now.

I just got a call that my daughter was involved

in an explosion caused by some maniac.

Can we just talk in private?

- [sighs] - I'll be right back.

[sighs]

My daughter has never been called

into the principal's office before.

Well, neither has my son.

I'm sorry. I realize I'm not holding the talking stick,

but I really just want to get my daughter and go, okay?

Wait, Joanne. Wait.

Can... can I just share something with you?

I think that my son got some very bad advice

from an emotionally stunted man-child.

And I've just been piecing it together,

but I think all my son wanted was an invite

to your daughter's birthday party.

[scoffs] Well, I'm not sure she's gonna want him there,

especially after what happened today.

Please, will you just consider it?

As I said, very misguided advice,

very misguided man.

[inhales deeply]

Nope, I'm not ready. Hold on.

[exhales deeply]

Breathe. [inhales deeply]

Two, three, exhale.

[exhales deeply]

I'm better now. I'm better.

I am very upset!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you run out of incense sticks?

You gave my son advice

that got him sent to the principal's office

and almost caused a near-fatal explosion

in his science lab.

That is a slight exaggeration. I'm very angry!

I did not tell him to blow up his science lab.

You told him to be an unattainable bad boy.

Oh, yeah, I did tell him that.

Why would you do that?

Marcus needs some game, okay?

I was just trying to help him out,

get him noticed by that girl he likes.

- What girl? - Hannah Bickleman.

He does not like a girl. He's not there yet.

- Oh, he's there. - No, he is not there.

And I would appreciate it

if you would leave the parenting to me.

I'm the parent.

Okay, and I think Marcus would appreciate

not being a social outcast

for the first time in six schools!

Well...

Put a shirt on when you work on your hog!

[whispering] Will. Will.

Will.

I've only got a second.

I'm grounded because I was a bad boy.

But look what it got me...

An invite to Hannah's party!

- Marcus? - Got to go.

How dare she insult me?

I score her kid a ticket

to some blue-eyed, coconut-smelling

tween chick's birthday, and I'm the villain.

I'm just trying to keep the kid

from living alone the rest of his life,

although apparently that's now my problem,

because I have completely lost my mojo with Dakota.

I don't know what happened to my game.

What happened to it, dude?

But you scored the kid an invite to the party.

- I think that's great. - Could we talk about me, man?

I am flailing with Dakota.

That's like whiffing on a tee shot.

I think you're upset because Fiona's not acknowledging

the impact you've had on her child's life.

And I got to say, Will...

You've had a tremendously beautiful impact there.

I think you're right.

I think I need to take another swing at Dakota.

I just got to square my shoulders,

keep my head down, and just have sex with Dakota.

- That's not what I'm saying. - All right, thanks, Andy.

That was a good talk, dude.

He didn't hear a word I said.

What do you think of this shirt?

I don't want to be stylish at the expense of comfort.

There'll be dancing, and I need a fabric that breathes.

Gosh.

Who will you be dancing with, with the birthday girl?

I'd like to go see Will.

There's I must discuss briefly with him.

Is it... is it something I can help you with?

It's a guy thing, mom.

We're so lucky to have a guy like Will in our lives.

Yeah.

Well, okay, just for a few minutes.

You look very dashing, darling.

Any girl would be lucky to dance with you.

Thanks.

[knock at door]

Dakota, it's me, Will.

[knocks] Dakota?

Listen, I just want to assure you

that the motorcycle is working.

It's firing on all cylinders.

So anytime you're ready to ride, so are we.

Listen, Dakota,

I know why you're not opening the door, okay?

I should not have made up that I had a son,

and I definitely shouldn't have given him leukemia.

But if you really want to know the truth,

I feel like a completely different person

than I was back then.

Like, ever since this kid, who's not my son,

came into my life, I've changed.

I feel things.

And I really just want to feel things with you.

And I mean that in the least sexual way...

Possible.

Go away, or I'll call the cops!

- Yes, ma'am. - Right here.

Get inside.

I really meant what I was saying.

I'm gonna rock...

Your world. Oh!

We've got three hours, Will. I just dropped my kids off

at some little bitch's birthday party.

Oh, Hannah... I know that little bitch.

- I mean girl. - Oh!

That party's gonna be such a nightmare.

Some crazy mom accosted Joanne

and cornered her into pity-inviting some pale kid.

Wait, this pale kid... does he have a name?

Mm, mm.

Oh, God, the girls have some terrible nickname for him.

What is it? [gasps]

Oh, whatever!

Just get these damn boots off, Will.

Will! Tug!

The kids at the party are basically good people, right?

Oh, God, you know what? Just take me in the bedroom.

- Okay, wait, wait. - Right!

Oh, my God, just take me on the counter.

- Okay. - Okay.

Wait. These kids...

Are gonna make him feel included,

even though it was a pity invite...

Oh, my God.

Right? The kid with the horrible nickname?

It was a horrible nickname.

[gasps] Mucus!

What?

I just remembered what the girls call the pale kid...

Mucus.

Both: Oh, my God.

Marcus is Mucus!

- We got to go to the party. - We do!

- 15 minutes. - 45! Mm!

We have to go right now, don't we?

- Damn it! - [yells]

[dance music playing]

- What are you doing here? - We got to talk about Marcus.

Oh, I know. He's been relying on you.

And I think it's because I'm a single mother.

It's hard to admit that it's good

to have a male presence in his life.

- Will you shut up? - Excuse me?

You got him a pity invite.

No, it wasn't pity. It was empathy.

Potato, po-tah-to.

Are you making fun of my accent?

No. We need to get Marcus out of there.

You mean get him out of the party

that he's been dreaming about going to?

- Fiona. - What?

[dance music blaring]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Yeah, baby, slow down the song

Oh, hey!

Mitchell, my man!

Nice sweater vest. I went no tie too.

Catch you later.

[girls giggling]

Hi, Hannah. Uh... Cool party.

Um, thanks for the invite.

Oh, you made it.

[sarcastically] Yay!

[chuckles nervously] Uh, do you want to dance?

I have a background in the classical waltz.

Sure, Marcus. We'll do it later.

Awesome!

Much later.

[laughter]

Love to hear that joke later.

[laughter]

Oh, my God, this is Roanoke.

What's Roanoke?

Small town, evil underbelly.

We had to flee in the middle of the night,

which was a shame because there was actually

a lovely farmers market.

We've got to help him!

Okay.

We could start a fire, create a diversion,

and rush him out.

What?

Listen, I'll handle this... Simple extraction.

You guys keep Hannah away. I'll get Marcus, all right?

Operation zero dark nerdy.

[dance music]

Hey, buddy.

- Will? - Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Well, you know, I was sitting at home,

and I had a hankering for ribs,

and I was wondering,

who could I go all carnivore with?

And then I thought of my best pal in the whole world,

that's who!

I love that our friendship is so meaningful to you.

But I think we both need to foster friendships

- with people our own age. - Oh. Yeah.

No, that's right. That's a good call.

But, uh... well, maybe we can have a root beer before I go.

Root beer?

Sure. I'm always down for a good root beer.

Great.

Oh, hey, Hannah. Happy Birthday.

That dress is lovely.

Oh, thank you. I know.

[laughs] Oh, gosh.

Honey, you have a little something on your face.

I think your eyeliner is running.

Oh, it is? Wait. Where?

Oh, no, honey, you just smudged it.

Hey, let's go upstairs and take care of it.

- Let's go to the bathroom. - Uh, okay.

Okay, come on. Quick, quick!

Shake a tail feather!

Hello, Hannah. I'm Marcus's mum.

What's going on?

Well, I was just wondering if you could dance with my son.

What?

I'm just trying to fix my eyeliner.

Your eyeliner's fine. Just stay with us.

Why not have have Han Solo drop them off somewhere else

and then go to the rebel base in a different ship?

It just...

I don't know... it's just always bumped for me.

So, um, I'm done. Uh, are you good?

Uh, well, you don't want another root beer?

I should get back to the party.

Marcus, Marcus, hold on a second. Hold on.

[sighs] Here's the thing, man.

I don't think Hannah

is someone that you want to be friends with.

Why not?

I...

I just don't think she knows how great you are,

and I don't want to see you get hurt.

Will, you're a wise man,

maybe the wisest man I've ever met.

But in this situation, you're wrong.

I asked her to dance, and she said she would...

Later. Much later.

Oh, dude, I think...

The first slow song that plays, I'm gonna dance with Hannah.

You people are scaring me.

Hannah, darling, you are a very popular girl,

and as such, you wield a lot of power,

probably more than you know.

And when your boobs come in, look out.

Our lives come down to a series of choices.

Now, you can either choose to take the high road

and be the heroine,

or you can choose to take the low road

and be part of an ugly society divided by lines of popularity,

which is dreadful.

Do you understand?

I just want to go back to my party.

Okay. Listen up, princess.

When I was your age, I was you.

And did I always make the best choices?

Meh. Rarely.

The truth is I destroyed a lot of people.

What Dakota is trying to say...

Yep.

Is that you can choose right now

to do a mean thing or do a good thing.

Mm-hmm.

And dancing with Marcus would be choosing

to do such a wonderful thing for someone,

and you have the power to make a difference.

- I'm gonna scream. - [scoffs]

- Oh, no. - [laughing] Oh, God.

You're bluffing.

- [screams] - [gasps]

- She wasn't bluffing. - I saw that!

Oh, hey, hey!

At all costs, we need to keep that DJ from slowing it down.

Now both of you empty your pockets.

- Why? - Just do it! Just do it!

I need to bribe this guy.

Okay, I've got my himalayan lucky rock.

What?

I think I only brought my lipstick and an I.D.

You're killing me.

All right, everybody, time to change the mood a bit.

Here's one of my favorite slow jams.

[Beyonce's XO plays]

Kill the slow jam! Kill the slow jam!

I got $7, and I got a himalayan...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[clears throat]

Oh, my God, tell me when it's over.

Uh, hi, Hannah.

It's, uh, much later,

and I thought maybe you'd like to dance now.

[laughter]

Look, Marcus, uh...

your heart is glowing

And I'm crashing into you

Okay, here's the deal.

One dance and that's it.

Your hands can touch my shoulders,

but nothing else, nothing else.

I would be honored to dance with you, Hannah Bickleman.

[scoffs] You're so weird, Marcus.

In the darkest night hour

In the darkest night hour

I search through the crowd

I search through the crowd

Your face is all that I see

I give you everything

Baby, love me, lights out

Baby, love me, lights out

[sniffs, sighs] Coconut.

You can turn my lights out

I love you like xo

You love me like xo

You kill me, boy, xo

You love me like xo

- Wow, he can actually dance. - I know.

We slow dance together all the time.

Way to kill the moment.

[smooching, moaning]

No. No!

Will, Will! No, stop!

I need to go. Whoa, whoa.

- I can't do this! - What?

- I can't do this! - What?

I need to do what that little girl did tonight,

and I need to start making better choices.

This is an excellent choice!

I need to stop defining myself

through sexual escapades with men.

I need to take a nomadic year.

A nomadic year? What?

Good-bye, Will.

No, no, no.

A nomadic year?

Fiona.

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