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1
00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:07,445
- Lemon...
What do you think?
2
00:00:07,479 --> 00:00:09,414
"kidnapped bydanger,
colon,
3
00:00:09,448 --> 00:00:10,999
"the avery jessup story,
comma,
4
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,951
"brought to you with limited
commercial interruptions
5
00:00:12,985 --> 00:00:14,953
"by pride bladder control pads.
6
00:00:14,987 --> 00:00:17,205
Pride: Make every
room a bathroom."
7
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:18,456
- Really, is that the title?
8
00:00:18,490 --> 00:00:19,874
'cause as the writer,
I was thinking
9
00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:21,993
Of naming it
dancing with ophelia--
10
00:00:22,011 --> 00:00:23,294
- Don't overthink this.
11
00:00:23,328 --> 00:00:24,495
It's a classic love story.
12
00:00:24,513 --> 00:00:25,663
Boy meets girl.
13
00:00:25,681 --> 00:00:26,965
Girl gets kidnapped
by asian dictator.
14
00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:28,433
Boy makes movie
to get girl back.
15
00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:30,768
Girl's so grateful she does
birthday things to boy.
16
00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:32,053
Boy falls asleep.
17
00:00:32,104 --> 00:00:33,705
- You're forgetting boy
meets girl's mother.
18
00:00:33,739 --> 00:00:35,223
They are creepily attracted
to each other.
19
00:00:35,274 --> 00:00:37,108
- What does that have
to do with avery and me?
20
00:00:37,142 --> 00:00:38,776
Just stick to the story,
lemon.
21
00:00:38,811 --> 00:00:40,144
Tell it exactly how
it happened.
22
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:41,980
If you get this right,
gay men will be dressing up
23
00:00:42,014 --> 00:00:44,682
Like avery for Halloween
the next 20 years.
24
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,018
- Okay.
25
00:00:47,036 --> 00:00:48,903
Oh, speaking of Halloween,
are you dressing up this year?
26
00:00:48,954 --> 00:00:50,154
- Lemon, it's March.
27
00:00:50,188 --> 00:00:51,188
- 'cause I'm gonna
be mitt rom-mummy.
28
00:00:51,207 --> 00:00:52,740
I call it.
You can't steal it.
29
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,075
- Why wouldn't you
be mitt-zombie?
30
00:00:54,126 --> 00:00:56,995
- Because I'm an idiot!
Oh, come on, liz.
31
00:00:57,029 --> 00:01:00,365
Think for, like, one second
before you buy all that gauze.
32
00:01:00,399 --> 00:01:03,367
[exciting jazz music]
33
00:01:03,385 --> 00:01:11,392
♪
34
00:01:21,219 --> 00:01:23,988
- I didn't want to write a song
for the film.
35
00:01:24,023 --> 00:01:26,724
I wanted to focus on
making the film--
36
00:01:26,742 --> 00:01:28,860
- What film?
The avery tv movie?
37
00:01:28,894 --> 00:01:30,895
- But my manager, gary greasy,
38
00:01:30,913 --> 00:01:33,397
Harangued me to write a song
for the film...
39
00:01:33,415 --> 00:01:36,451
- Oh, no, in her mind, she's
already accepting an award
40
00:01:36,502 --> 00:01:38,119
For whatever this is.
41
00:01:38,170 --> 00:01:40,588
- I need to thank
my co-writers, gary greasy
42
00:01:40,623 --> 00:01:42,857
And jesus, a homeless man
I stole the melody from.
43
00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:46,344
We also filmed a video
for the song for the film.
44
00:01:46,378 --> 00:01:47,629
Thank you.
45
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,748
♪ kidnapped, my heart
has been stolen ♪
46
00:01:50,766 --> 00:01:55,753
♪ I am kidnapped and
I wonder for how long ♪
47
00:01:55,771 --> 00:01:57,355
♪ my darling gone so far
48
00:01:57,389 --> 00:02:00,091
♪ but not forever more
49
00:02:00,109 --> 00:02:01,526
♪ I am kidnapped
50
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,861
- [chuckles]
that's awesome.
51
00:02:03,896 --> 00:02:06,263
I didn't even realize your song
was the original.
52
00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:07,315
- What are you talking about?
53
00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:08,983
- Weird al.
54
00:02:09,034 --> 00:02:12,904
- ♪ knapsack,
the zipper is broken ♪
55
00:02:12,938 --> 00:02:16,958
♪ on my knapsack
and I lost my bakugan ♪
56
00:02:16,992 --> 00:02:21,162
♪ trapper keeper, snickers bar,
my thermos hit the floor ♪
57
00:02:21,213 --> 00:02:23,164
♪ broken knapsack
58
00:02:23,215 --> 00:02:24,615
- What is that?
59
00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,502
- Weird al yankovic
parodied your song.
60
00:02:27,553 --> 00:02:30,722
Like, michael jackson's eat it
or adelesomeone likes food.
61
00:02:30,756 --> 00:02:33,457
- [sighs]
- it's a huge honor.
62
00:02:33,475 --> 00:02:35,560
Like, when people wanna see
your boobs at mardi gras.
63
00:02:35,594 --> 00:02:36,928
- It's nothing like that.
64
00:02:36,962 --> 00:02:38,012
I'm calling my lawyer.
65
00:02:38,063 --> 00:02:40,565
Weird al corrupted
something beautiful
66
00:02:40,599 --> 00:02:42,299
That was written to
distract gary greasy
67
00:02:42,318 --> 00:02:48,189
While he came down from meth.
68
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,241
- Hey, kenneth, nice tux.
69
00:02:50,275 --> 00:02:52,944
- My father wore this
to his high school prom.
70
00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:56,247
The theme was enchantment
under the jim crow laws.
71
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:58,282
- So, what's up?
72
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:01,869
- Well, as you know,
I recently had a minor setback
73
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,505
In my goal to become
president of television,
74
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:07,458
But I'm ready to start over
again at the bottom.
75
00:03:07,492 --> 00:03:09,377
- Well, we're not
really hiring now.
76
00:03:09,428 --> 00:03:11,262
- I'll do anything.
77
00:03:11,296 --> 00:03:12,930
Except work in
the sound department.
78
00:03:12,965 --> 00:03:13,965
Those guys are--
79
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,332
[dubbed over]
beautiful geniuses
80
00:03:15,351 --> 00:03:16,333
--Holes.
81
00:03:16,352 --> 00:03:17,552
- Look, I'm sorry, kenneth.
82
00:03:17,603 --> 00:03:18,686
It's just the budget's
really tight.
83
00:03:18,721 --> 00:03:19,687
- Okay.
84
00:03:19,722 --> 00:03:21,856
But if anything comes up,
85
00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,609
Put a message in a bottle
and throw it in the river.
86
00:03:24,643 --> 00:03:28,563
That's where I go every day
to fish for shoes.
87
00:03:28,614 --> 00:03:31,566
Say, old janitor,
88
00:03:31,617 --> 00:03:33,484
Do you know if they're hiring
in maintenance?
89
00:03:33,518 --> 00:03:35,903
- Oh, we're always looking for
the next generation of janitors.
90
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,872
Throw your resume away
on the fourth floor
91
00:03:37,906 --> 00:03:42,026
And we'll be in touch.
92
00:03:42,044 --> 00:03:44,412
[all chatter]
- okay, everyone.
93
00:03:44,463 --> 00:03:46,030
Welcome to the table read for
94
00:03:46,048 --> 00:03:49,083
Kidnapped by danger:
The avery jessup story.
95
00:03:49,134 --> 00:03:50,701
Brought to you with limited
commercial interruptions
96
00:03:50,719 --> 00:03:52,253
By pride pad.
97
00:03:52,304 --> 00:03:54,255
Pride: The world is
your toilet.
98
00:03:54,306 --> 00:03:55,339
[all cheer]
99
00:03:55,373 --> 00:03:58,259
Written by elizabeth
"diablo" lemon.
100
00:03:58,310 --> 00:03:59,376
We open on
a midtown restaurant.
101
00:03:59,395 --> 00:04:01,545
Jack donaghy, 50s,
big irish head,
102
00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:03,314
Sips drinks with avery, 30s.
103
00:04:03,348 --> 00:04:05,850
- Avery, do you believe
in love at first sight?
104
00:04:05,884 --> 00:04:07,384
- I believe in two things.
105
00:04:07,403 --> 00:04:09,320
Fast money and fast curves.
106
00:04:09,354 --> 00:04:11,055
- We smash cut to
a night of passion
107
00:04:11,073 --> 00:04:12,407
In a completely dark room.
108
00:04:12,441 --> 00:04:15,276
Bathing suit areas
get a workout.
109
00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:17,728
Interior, hotel room,
one month later.
110
00:04:17,746 --> 00:04:19,530
Jack sits on the bed
in a tuxedo.
111
00:04:19,564 --> 00:04:20,531
His cell phone rings.
112
00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,033
- Jack, where are you?
113
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:24,452
- We reveal jack's high school
sweetheart, nancy donovan,
114
00:04:24,503 --> 00:04:26,037
In bed next to him.
115
00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:28,456
[ridiculous boston accent]
- jack, who's calling ya
116
00:04:28,507 --> 00:04:30,358
At such a wicked late hour?
117
00:04:30,392 --> 00:04:31,692
Ya mother?
118
00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:33,744
- Jack looks around
the wedding reception.
119
00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:36,647
Across the way, his friend liz--
think courteney cox--
120
00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:38,216
Dances with a handsome pilot--
121
00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:39,550
Think a young fred grandy.
122
00:04:39,584 --> 00:04:40,852
Jack turns to nancy.
123
00:04:40,886 --> 00:04:42,253
- I love you, nancy.
124
00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:43,521
I want to marry you.
125
00:04:43,555 --> 00:04:44,722
- Stop it, jack.
126
00:04:44,756 --> 00:04:48,025
Avery's here
and she's knocked up.
127
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,760
- Jack looks shocked.
128
00:04:49,778 --> 00:04:51,095
- You gotta do the right thing.
129
00:04:51,130 --> 00:04:52,563
I'll miss you, jack.
130
00:04:52,597 --> 00:04:55,867
Go red sox.
131
00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:57,601
- My character seems so passive.
132
00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,270
I mean, what if I were like,
133
00:04:59,288 --> 00:05:02,206
"I need to sleep with you both,
one more time to decide."
134
00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:03,574
I don't know,
I'm not a writer, but...
135
00:05:03,608 --> 00:05:04,608
Do that.
136
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:05,827
- Yeah--
137
00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,278
- Liz, am I going
too big on the accent?
138
00:05:07,296 --> 00:05:08,946
- No, that's how people from
boston sound to me.
139
00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:10,081
- Great.
- Lemon.
140
00:05:10,115 --> 00:05:12,917
My office now.
141
00:05:12,951 --> 00:05:14,385
- Hey.
142
00:05:14,419 --> 00:05:15,503
You have amazing skin.
143
00:05:15,554 --> 00:05:17,171
- I'm married to a woman.
144
00:05:17,222 --> 00:05:22,260
- I got four inches of steel
that might change your mind.
145
00:05:22,294 --> 00:05:25,680
- Sid, how long will it take to
get a cease and desist order
146
00:05:25,731 --> 00:05:27,798
Against weird al yankovic?
147
00:05:27,816 --> 00:05:29,300
Oh, that's too bad.
148
00:05:29,318 --> 00:05:32,570
Did they also take away
your handgun license?
149
00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:34,305
- Don't do it, j-mo.
150
00:05:34,323 --> 00:05:35,907
You don't want to
mess with weird al.
151
00:05:35,941 --> 00:05:37,141
- Oh, please.
152
00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:38,943
I'm not afraid of
anyone in show business.
153
00:05:38,977 --> 00:05:41,746
I turned down intercourse
with harvey weinstein
154
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,615
On no less than three
occasions...Out of five.
155
00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:46,584
- I'm telling you,
just let him do it.
156
00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,652
Eminem backed down.
Lady gaga backed down.
157
00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,589
- Tracy, I'm supposed to perform
my song on fallon tonight.
158
00:05:51,623 --> 00:05:53,758
I can't do that now.
It's ruined.
159
00:05:53,792 --> 00:05:56,711
I'll have to write a new song.
- Don't you understand?
160
00:05:56,762 --> 00:05:58,179
He's gonna parody you again.
161
00:05:58,213 --> 00:06:00,998
That's what he does.
That's all he does.
162
00:06:01,016 --> 00:06:02,633
You can't stop him.
163
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:07,221
- Unless, I write a song
that can't be parodied.
164
00:06:07,272 --> 00:06:08,339
- Impossible.
165
00:06:08,357 --> 00:06:09,640
What do you think phil collins
166
00:06:09,674 --> 00:06:11,392
Was trying to do
with sussudio?
167
00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:14,511
- Which weird al famously
parodied soup soupy-o.
168
00:06:14,530 --> 00:06:17,681
I'm not saying it'll be easy,
but if anyone in the world
169
00:06:17,699 --> 00:06:19,901
Is talented enough
to pull it off...
170
00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:20,952
- I'll make coffee.
171
00:06:20,986 --> 00:06:22,353
You also make coffee.
172
00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:24,622
After the coffee contest,
we'll start working.
173
00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:26,657
- Yeah.
- Really, lemon?
174
00:06:26,691 --> 00:06:29,327
You had to include nancy donovan
in your screenplay?
175
00:06:29,361 --> 00:06:31,379
- You told me to write it
exactly how it happened.
176
00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:32,580
- That's not how it happened.
177
00:06:32,631 --> 00:06:34,632
You took the facts
and you twisted them
178
00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:37,868
Like chubby checker took
the traditional standing dance
179
00:06:37,886 --> 00:06:39,503
And made a mockery
of it with "the twist".
180
00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:40,972
This is a love story, lemon.
181
00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:44,041
You clearly have no idea
how to write romance.
182
00:06:44,059 --> 00:06:45,542
- Hey, you wouldn't say
that if you read
183
00:06:45,561 --> 00:06:47,345
My mythbusters fan fiction.
184
00:06:47,379 --> 00:06:49,046
It is sexy.
185
00:06:49,064 --> 00:06:52,216
And you're welcome for not
twisting any more facts.
186
00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:53,985
Like the fact that nancy got
divorced for you
187
00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:57,054
With no idea that you'd already
gotten another woman pregnant.
188
00:06:57,072 --> 00:06:59,023
And when avery abandoned you
for her career,
189
00:06:59,057 --> 00:07:01,359
You told her to go.
190
00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:03,828
- Jack, we need to talk.
191
00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:05,079
- Now there's this hot slut.
192
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:06,730
[clears throat]
hi, I'm liz.
193
00:07:06,748 --> 00:07:07,865
I work for jack.
194
00:07:07,899 --> 00:07:09,166
- Diana jessup.
195
00:07:09,201 --> 00:07:10,901
And I'm glad to see
the endgame of feminism
196
00:07:10,919 --> 00:07:14,038
Is women dressing like
dennis the menace at work.
197
00:07:14,072 --> 00:07:15,373
- Diana, I wasn't expecting you.
198
00:07:15,407 --> 00:07:18,242
- It has come to my attention
that a television movie
199
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:20,077
Is being made about my daughter.
200
00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:21,462
- I knew you would not approve.
201
00:07:21,513 --> 00:07:22,880
- Because it's crass, jack.
202
00:07:22,914 --> 00:07:26,467
Like personalized wedding vows
or standing up in a pool.
203
00:07:26,518 --> 00:07:28,085
And to hear about it
the way I did.
204
00:07:28,103 --> 00:07:30,204
My housekeeper
started screaming.
205
00:07:45,437 --> 00:07:47,905
- I should have called, but I
thought it would be awkward.
206
00:07:47,939 --> 00:07:50,408
I--I mean I thought
you would disapprove.
207
00:07:50,442 --> 00:07:52,609
Not that there's anything
awkward between us.
208
00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:55,496
- Of course there's no other
reason it would be awkward.
209
00:07:55,547 --> 00:07:57,531
And I didn't dream
that I was a sex slave
210
00:07:57,566 --> 00:08:00,167
To a squid-like alien
with your head.
211
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,003
Jack, if this
tv movie will help,
212
00:08:02,054 --> 00:08:03,554
Then I won't stand
in the way of it.
213
00:08:03,588 --> 00:08:05,139
But I am gonna stay
here and make sure
214
00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:06,557
The jessup name is not soiled.
215
00:08:06,591 --> 00:08:08,359
- Of course, I'd love
to have you.
216
00:08:08,393 --> 00:08:11,679
Uh, I mean, as a guest,
not, uh, under a waterfall.
217
00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:15,182
- I'm gonna go freshen up.
The train was disgusting.
218
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:18,269
I flew here, but I saw
a train from the window.
219
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:22,973
- What are you doing? Leave.
220
00:08:22,991 --> 00:08:25,409
- No. This is weird and I am not
letting it get any weirder.
221
00:08:25,444 --> 00:08:28,029
All my life, I have been
the third wheel
222
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,248
That prevents people
from having sex.
223
00:08:31,283 --> 00:08:33,701
- Well, movie's over lizzie.
224
00:08:33,735 --> 00:08:35,169
Why don't you head on up to bed?
225
00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:37,538
- Are you kidding?
It's your anniversary.
226
00:08:37,589 --> 00:08:38,589
We're celebrating!
227
00:08:38,623 --> 00:08:41,492
Let's get these
scabs off my knee.
228
00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:43,878
- In college, they called me
"the blocker".
229
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,713
- I don't need a chaperone.
230
00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:46,964
- I'm sorry, but you're stressed
and you're lonely
231
00:08:46,998 --> 00:08:48,549
And that woman
has flawless skin,
232
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,267
Like an organic chicken.
233
00:08:50,302 --> 00:08:52,836
I haven't had lunch.
234
00:08:52,854 --> 00:08:56,624
- Oh, you're still here.
- That's what they all say.
235
00:08:58,722 --> 00:08:58,722
+
236
00:09:00,755 --> 00:09:04,105
♪♪
237
00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:06,751
But I don't think there
are any small jobs,
238
00:09:06,785 --> 00:09:08,886
Only small people,
239
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:12,557
Like children, or a giant
who's very far away from you.
240
00:09:12,591 --> 00:09:16,510
All I want is an opportunity,
sir, to once again work
241
00:09:16,545 --> 00:09:19,597
For the greatest company
that has ever existed
242
00:09:19,631 --> 00:09:22,767
Since the creation of
earth 800 years ago.
243
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:28,072
[as the nbc jingle]
♪ I love this
244
00:09:28,106 --> 00:09:31,525
- This is everything that jenna
will be wearing in the movie,
245
00:09:31,577 --> 00:09:33,477
But of course, jenna
isn't as slender-hipped
246
00:09:33,495 --> 00:09:35,646
As avery or, uh, you.
247
00:09:35,664 --> 00:09:38,916
- Jessup women have terrible
osteoporosis in later years.
248
00:09:38,951 --> 00:09:41,118
- You must crumble
like greek statues.
249
00:09:41,152 --> 00:09:42,653
- You guys like factoids?
250
00:09:42,671 --> 00:09:43,788
Check this out.
251
00:09:43,822 --> 00:09:46,424
One in four americans
has an std.
252
00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:49,660
Chlamydia, herpes, garden
variety genital swelling--
253
00:09:49,678 --> 00:09:51,929
- That's quite enough, lemon.
- Rectal fissures.
254
00:09:51,964 --> 00:09:53,881
- Lemon, a word.
255
00:09:53,932 --> 00:09:56,550
Actor time-out.
256
00:09:56,602 --> 00:09:58,386
Just wanted everyone to know
that I'll be method acting;
257
00:09:58,437 --> 00:10:00,104
Staying in character
at all times.
258
00:10:00,138 --> 00:10:01,305
It's a technique
that was invented
259
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,140
By constantin stanislavski
260
00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:04,558
When he was four years old
261
00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:06,277
And wanted to act
like a pirate.
262
00:10:06,311 --> 00:10:08,529
- Uh, this is
lance drake mandrell.
263
00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:09,730
He'll be playing me
in the movie.
264
00:10:09,781 --> 00:10:11,649
- I'll be...Becoming you.
- Easy, chief.
265
00:10:11,683 --> 00:10:14,518
Lance, this is diana jessup,
avery's mother.
266
00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:17,455
- Diana, are you
a time-traveler?
267
00:10:17,489 --> 00:10:18,789
Because I don't know
how my mother-in-law
268
00:10:18,824 --> 00:10:20,992
Could be younger than my wife.
- [flattered gasp]
269
00:10:21,026 --> 00:10:22,860
- Was that supposed to be me
saying that?
270
00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:24,194
Because I would never
use that much math
271
00:10:24,212 --> 00:10:25,496
In complimenting a woman.
272
00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:27,081
Their brains can't handle it.
273
00:10:27,132 --> 00:10:28,198
- [giggles]
it's evolution.
274
00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:29,967
- That's exactly the kind
275
00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:31,335
Of stuff I need to know.
276
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,203
Hey, quick question, jack.
277
00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:35,589
Our underwear, is it regular
black bikini cut?
278
00:10:35,641 --> 00:10:37,892
Or is it silk boxers
with tweety bird on them?
279
00:10:37,926 --> 00:10:38,976
Because I have both.
280
00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:40,044
- I think you and I should
281
00:10:40,062 --> 00:10:42,763
Have a meeting with wardrobe.
282
00:10:42,814 --> 00:10:46,350
- The resemblance is quite
striking, don't you think?
283
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:51,605
The fighter pilot wrists, the
hair like a mature otter's pelt,
284
00:10:51,657 --> 00:10:53,724
Shoulders you could
ride bareback.
285
00:10:53,742 --> 00:10:56,610
- I'm sure you don't
wanna hear this,
286
00:10:56,662 --> 00:11:01,482
But every woman here would love
to slip it to your son-in-law.
287
00:11:01,516 --> 00:11:03,000
- Slip what?
- Whatever.
288
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:04,201
Drill him against a wall.
289
00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:06,170
The point is,
that would be wrong,
290
00:11:06,204 --> 00:11:08,506
Because we all work for jack.
291
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:11,208
But boy, I'll tell you that
lance drake mandrell
292
00:11:11,242 --> 00:11:12,960
Seems like
the next best thing.
293
00:11:13,011 --> 00:11:16,630
Wouldn't mind giving him
the old skin flute.
294
00:11:16,682 --> 00:11:19,684
- Interesting.
295
00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:23,471
- Okay, how about this?
296
00:11:23,522 --> 00:11:26,023
♪ don't say good-bye--
- are you kidding me?
297
00:11:26,058 --> 00:11:29,610
Don't eat that pie, don't eat
my fries, don't wear that tie,
298
00:11:29,644 --> 00:11:30,728
Don't smell that guy.
299
00:11:30,762 --> 00:11:32,763
We got to be better than this.
300
00:11:32,781 --> 00:11:34,815
- All right.
301
00:11:34,866 --> 00:11:36,901
♪ these lonely eyes--
302
00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:39,203
- I'm sorry, did you
just say baloney thighs?
303
00:11:39,237 --> 00:11:41,939
Because that's the name of
the boat weird al's gonna buy
304
00:11:41,957 --> 00:11:44,441
With the money
he makes off you...Dumb bitch!
305
00:11:44,459 --> 00:11:46,276
I'm sorry.
I just care too much.
306
00:11:46,294 --> 00:11:48,212
- We might as well just write
a song about pizza,
307
00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:50,998
Because at the end of the day,
that's what it's gonna be.
308
00:11:51,049 --> 00:11:52,449
Oh, my god.
309
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,284
If we did that,
he'd be powerless.
310
00:11:54,302 --> 00:11:56,921
There's nothing you can
change pizza to.
311
00:11:56,955 --> 00:11:59,456
- Because it's already weird.
- Exactly.
312
00:11:59,474 --> 00:12:02,476
Weird al's about to get
a taste of his own medicine.
313
00:12:04,646 --> 00:12:07,982
- I'm jack donaghy.
314
00:12:08,016 --> 00:12:11,635
I am jack donaghy.
315
00:12:11,653 --> 00:12:13,154
[wretches]
316
00:12:13,188 --> 00:12:14,638
Oh, god.
317
00:12:14,656 --> 00:12:18,442
This ice tea is so strong.
318
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,411
[knock on door]
- lance.
319
00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:21,612
I mean, jack.
320
00:12:21,646 --> 00:12:22,613
- What do you need, diana?
321
00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:24,248
I'm very busy right now.
322
00:12:24,282 --> 00:12:26,817
I've got to get to the bottom of
this business case.
323
00:12:26,835 --> 00:12:29,670
- I wonder if you might
say something negative
324
00:12:29,704 --> 00:12:31,205
About obama for me.
325
00:12:31,256 --> 00:12:34,592
- "hope"?
326
00:12:34,626 --> 00:12:35,793
More like "nope".
327
00:12:35,827 --> 00:12:39,380
- And what is your opinion
on hybrid cars?
328
00:12:39,431 --> 00:12:41,799
- Prius is the latin word
for impotence.
329
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:44,168
[sexually flustered]
rose wine?
330
00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,353
- Pairs well with
failed suicide.
331
00:12:46,388 --> 00:12:47,772
- Oh!
332
00:12:47,806 --> 00:12:51,225
- Oh, you know, hey, this has
been great practice,
333
00:12:51,276 --> 00:12:52,526
But I'm late for
a tooth-whitening appointment
334
00:12:52,561 --> 00:12:54,028
And they just freak out
if you don't
335
00:12:54,062 --> 00:12:56,280
Give them 24 hours--
- no, no, no, no.
336
00:12:56,314 --> 00:12:57,347
Stay in character.
337
00:12:57,365 --> 00:12:58,966
- There hasn't been a good
338
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,653
Non-boat painting
in 5,000 years.
339
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,855
- [moans]
340
00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:08,976
- Sometimes to prevent monkey
business, we must create it.
341
00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:10,494
The blocker.
342
00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,366
- What do you want, lemon?
343
00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:18,969
I've gotta get to the bottom of
this business case.
344
00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:20,654
- Ugh, do you really
have to be here, lance?
345
00:13:20,689 --> 00:13:22,690
I'm trying to find a quiet place
to finish this rewrite.
346
00:13:22,724 --> 00:13:24,425
- How is that rewrite coming?
347
00:13:24,476 --> 00:13:25,810
Maybe jack should go to the gym.
348
00:13:25,844 --> 00:13:28,762
You know, the actor playing him
can do four boy pull-ups.
349
00:13:28,814 --> 00:13:31,348
- Actually, jack,
the rewrite is not going great
350
00:13:31,382 --> 00:13:33,050
Because I'm the only person
willing to admit
351
00:13:33,068 --> 00:13:35,219
How messed up this situation is.
352
00:13:35,237 --> 00:13:37,321
- Sounds like you
need some advice.
353
00:13:37,355 --> 00:13:38,939
Ronald reagan use to say--
354
00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:40,057
- Stop right there, lance.
355
00:13:40,075 --> 00:13:41,391
Only nancy used
reagan's first name.
356
00:13:41,409 --> 00:13:43,327
And only during bath time.
357
00:13:43,361 --> 00:13:45,329
- You've got a long way to go
before you're jack donaghy,
358
00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:47,781
But, my god, you do
have amazing eyes.
359
00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:48,866
- Thank you.
360
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,567
- Oh, hello jack.
361
00:13:50,585 --> 00:13:53,237
Both: Hello, diana.
362
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:55,572
- You can deal with liz, jack.
363
00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:57,007
I was on my way out anyway.
364
00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,375
- Wait, where are you two going?
365
00:13:58,409 --> 00:13:59,877
- Out for a drink.
366
00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:01,462
- Stop acting like me.
367
00:14:01,513 --> 00:14:02,880
- How is taking your
mother-in-law
368
00:14:02,914 --> 00:14:06,350
Out on a date
acting like you?
369
00:14:06,384 --> 00:14:09,220
- Uh, it's not, obviously.
370
00:14:09,254 --> 00:14:11,055
Uh, you two go and
have a good time.
371
00:14:11,089 --> 00:14:12,356
- We will.
372
00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:13,858
It's impossible not
to have a great time
373
00:14:13,892 --> 00:14:16,894
At planet hollywood.
374
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,603
- [wretches]
375
00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:27,821
- Ice tea.
376
00:14:27,873 --> 00:14:33,043
- [gags]
377
00:14:33,078 --> 00:14:36,497
- Jack, there's a reason I can't
write this the way you want it.
378
00:14:36,548 --> 00:14:39,750
I don't care if it's nancy
or diana or your insistence
379
00:14:39,784 --> 00:14:41,952
That the jack character have
an awesome catch-phrase.
380
00:14:41,970 --> 00:14:44,088
- An idea that's off
the charts, kemosabe.
381
00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,455
- You're living
in a dream world.
382
00:14:45,473 --> 00:14:47,391
- Apparently because I thought
you were a writer.
383
00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:48,976
- Hey, I'm trying to help you.
384
00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:51,095
Who do you think got diana
and lance together?
385
00:14:51,129 --> 00:14:52,429
- The blocker?
386
00:14:52,463 --> 00:14:53,430
- But of course that doesn't
bother you, right?
387
00:14:53,464 --> 00:14:54,682
Because there's nothing
going on
388
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:55,966
Between you and diana,
389
00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:57,851
And your relationship
with avery was perfect,
390
00:14:57,903 --> 00:14:59,970
And the only problem
is that I can't write.
391
00:14:59,988 --> 00:15:01,689
- That pretty much sums it up.
392
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,140
You're fired, lemon.
393
00:15:03,158 --> 00:15:08,696
I'll write this thing myself.
- Fine, but you are in denial about your life.
394
00:15:12,584 --> 00:15:14,301
That's not a way out.
395
00:15:15,253 --> 00:15:15,253
+
396
00:15:21,914 --> 00:15:24,916
- Hey, guys, it's me.
397
00:15:28,537 --> 00:15:31,539
Oh, my sandwich
from the other day.
398
00:15:34,877 --> 00:15:37,712
I hate to waste food,
but I'll probably get
399
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:40,265
Free executive sandwiches
like this forever.
400
00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:44,186
Nothing can stop me now.
401
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,905
[squeals]
402
00:15:46,939 --> 00:15:48,156
It's okay.
403
00:15:48,191 --> 00:15:49,441
I'm doing great.
404
00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:52,277
Everything's gonna work out.
405
00:15:52,328 --> 00:15:53,278
- Hang on, kid!
406
00:15:53,329 --> 00:15:56,331
We pool our tips.
407
00:16:02,404 --> 00:16:08,076
[musical lead-in]
408
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:10,278
- Now, here to sing
her original song
409
00:16:10,313 --> 00:16:12,264
From the upcoming
nbc television event
410
00:16:12,298 --> 00:16:16,301
Kidnapped by dangethe very
talented jenna maroney.
411
00:16:20,422 --> 00:16:23,058
- ♪ I eat pizza,
I eat cheese ♪
412
00:16:23,092 --> 00:16:25,593
♪ I eat lots of broccolis
413
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,929
♪ I eat ice cream
way too fast ♪
414
00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:30,782
♪ burritos always
give me gas ♪
415
00:16:30,817 --> 00:16:33,201
♪ fart so loud,
fart so loud ♪
416
00:16:33,236 --> 00:16:34,986
♪ yum-yums make me
fart so loud ♪
417
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,771
- Kingslayer!
418
00:16:36,789 --> 00:16:39,374
- I've never been kissed
like that, jack.
419
00:16:39,408 --> 00:16:41,376
- It's because we're
so in love, avery.
420
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:43,662
That's why we're perfect,
avery.
421
00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:46,331
- Make love to me...Now.
422
00:16:46,382 --> 00:16:48,049
This is garbage.
423
00:16:48,084 --> 00:16:49,551
- [sighs]
424
00:16:49,585 --> 00:16:52,304
- Oh, mr. Subhas,
your wife is on the phone.
425
00:16:52,338 --> 00:16:53,588
She's making dinner
and she wants to know
426
00:16:53,622 --> 00:16:57,092
If you found any
prosciutto today.
427
00:16:57,126 --> 00:16:59,594
- Why are you dressed
like a janitor?
428
00:16:59,628 --> 00:17:02,463
- It's my new job.
- But you just got promoted.
429
00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:03,631
- Well, I've had
a few setbacks,
430
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,134
But only a quitter quits, sir.
431
00:17:06,152 --> 00:17:07,802
So, here I am.
432
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:10,522
Starting back up
the ladder to my dreams.
433
00:17:10,573 --> 00:17:12,190
My career dreams.
434
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,776
Not the dream where those two
tennis sisters chase me.
435
00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:16,477
- You really are
an extraordinary
436
00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:17,829
Young man, kenneth.
437
00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:20,031
No matter what happens, you
always keep your chin up.
438
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,867
- Medically,
it's a neck ridge.
439
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:23,335
- I mean, look at you.
440
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:24,836
You're not just back
where you started,
441
00:17:24,871 --> 00:17:26,487
You're doing worse.
442
00:17:26,506 --> 00:17:28,957
And even if other
people say to you,
443
00:17:28,991 --> 00:17:30,458
"your life is a mess.
444
00:17:30,492 --> 00:17:31,927
Stop looking at your
mother-in-law.
445
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,161
I can't write your movie,"
446
00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:34,596
You stay positive.
447
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:38,216
You always believe that
everything is going to work out.
448
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,334
How do you do it?
449
00:17:39,352 --> 00:17:43,021
- Well, I'll tell you
my secret, sir.
450
00:17:43,055 --> 00:17:45,006
[whispering]
I lie to myself.
451
00:17:45,024 --> 00:17:48,527
Every morning,
when I wake up, I say,
452
00:17:48,561 --> 00:17:50,478
"everything's gonna be okay."
453
00:17:50,512 --> 00:17:52,814
But I'm lying.
454
00:17:52,848 --> 00:17:56,684
And I don't know
how much longer I can do it.
455
00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:59,404
[piercing inhalation]
456
00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:02,457
Have a swell night, sir.
457
00:18:06,495 --> 00:18:08,363
- Let me guess,
you're all watching
458
00:18:08,381 --> 00:18:10,665
My triumph fallon
last night?
459
00:18:10,699 --> 00:18:15,036
- No, you gotta see this.
460
00:18:15,054 --> 00:18:17,973
- ♪ daddy's fightin' overseas
461
00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:20,759
♪ lord, keep him safe
for mommy, please ♪
462
00:18:20,810 --> 00:18:23,361
♪ can't make up for
time that's passed ♪
463
00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:26,047
♪ but now he's coming
home at last ♪
464
00:18:26,065 --> 00:18:27,816
♪ heart so proud
465
00:18:27,850 --> 00:18:29,150
♪ heart so proud
466
00:18:29,185 --> 00:18:32,270
♪ daddy make my heart
so proud ♪
467
00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:35,156
- Yankovic!
He reversed the parody.
468
00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:37,742
He normal al'd us.
I feel so--
469
00:18:37,777 --> 00:18:40,829
- Honored?
470
00:18:40,863 --> 00:18:42,747
- I've gotta go call
my dad and thank him.
471
00:18:42,782 --> 00:18:44,565
You know he was stationed
at pearl harbor?
472
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:47,735
During the korean war?
473
00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:50,872
- Well, congratulations, lemon.
474
00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:52,123
You were right.
475
00:18:52,158 --> 00:18:53,308
I've been lying to myself.
476
00:18:53,342 --> 00:18:55,410
Maybe my whole marriage
to avery was a lie.
477
00:18:55,428 --> 00:18:57,629
- Whoa, no, that's not
what I was saying.
478
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,297
Everyone lies to themselves.
479
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:01,416
I mean, I refuse to buy
larger underwear,
480
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,885
And it looks like when you tie
a string around a roast.
481
00:19:03,919 --> 00:19:06,888
Okay, so we agree.
Things are complicated.
482
00:19:06,922 --> 00:19:08,523
But that doesn't mean you can't
figure it all out.
483
00:19:08,557 --> 00:19:10,692
You just have to get
avery home first.
484
00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:13,645
- How?
Lemon...
485
00:19:13,696 --> 00:19:15,814
We can't make this movie.
- Yes, we can.
486
00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:18,400
We just have to do what you've
been doing all along.
487
00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:20,735
Lie...To everybody.
488
00:19:20,770 --> 00:19:24,739
[dramatic music]
489
00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:26,992
- I'll never let you capture
my wife from here,
490
00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:29,661
On the top of
the empire state building!
491
00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:30,662
[groans]
492
00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:34,883
- Korean freeze ray!
- Jack!
493
00:19:34,917 --> 00:19:36,668
- Nothing can keep us apart!
494
00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:41,456
Our love is off
the charts, kemosabe.
495
00:19:41,474 --> 00:19:44,509
- ♪ I am kidnapped
496
00:19:44,543 --> 00:19:47,312
- Cut! All right.
[bell ringing]
497
00:19:47,346 --> 00:19:49,230
It's a wrap.
498
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:50,432
All right, now let's hurry up
and edit this thing.
499
00:19:50,466 --> 00:19:51,966
It's on in two days.
500
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,935
- Seriously, man.
501
00:19:53,969 --> 00:19:56,855
Call me. I wanna board with
you at big bear, all right?
502
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,157
- Lance, I wanna thank you
for you professionalism
503
00:19:59,191 --> 00:20:00,641
On this project.
504
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:01,776
- Thanks, jack.
505
00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:03,528
If it weren't for this gig,
506
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:04,746
I never would have
hooked up with diana.
507
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:06,364
I'm not one to tell tales
out of school,
508
00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:09,451
But she's a real
hotshot at boinking.
509
00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:11,369
She boinks like a dog.
510
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:12,754
I'm not a writer.
511
00:20:12,788 --> 00:20:14,422
She made me boink
her this morning
512
00:20:14,457 --> 00:20:16,124
And at first, I was like,
"please--
513
00:20:16,158 --> 00:20:17,542
- I get it, lance.
514
00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:18,659
Uh, thank you.
515
00:20:18,678 --> 00:20:20,045
- Wow, it's just
good to be, uh,
516
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:21,662
Lance drake mandrell again.
517
00:20:21,681 --> 00:20:23,465
Get back to doing
the things I love,
518
00:20:23,499 --> 00:20:27,668
Like getting high and
going to the planetarium.
519
00:20:27,687 --> 00:20:29,471
- So, thank you, jack.
520
00:20:29,505 --> 00:20:31,606
Hopefully, the next time
we see each other,
521
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,559
Avery will be home.
522
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:38,613
- It'll all work out, jack.
523
00:20:38,647 --> 00:20:40,031
- Thanks, lemon.
524
00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:43,318
And, uh, thank
the blocker for me.
525
00:20:43,352 --> 00:20:44,685
- Hey, when this movie airs,
526
00:20:44,704 --> 00:20:46,821
Can my name be the first credit
that comes up at the end?
527
00:20:46,855 --> 00:20:48,406
- This is
a group process, lemon.
528
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,792
Don't be an egomaniac.
529
00:20:53,451 --> 00:21:07,125
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