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1
00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:05,091
♪♪
2
00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:08,090
On the subject
"why I lotgs?"
3
00:00:08,124 --> 00:00:09,291
Please tell me it's not--
4
00:00:09,325 --> 00:00:12,327
- The annual tgs viewer
walk-on contest.
5
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,045
It's great promotion, lemon.
6
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,881
We found that if someone
is actually on nbc,
7
00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:17,632
They're 4% more likely
to watch it.
8
00:00:17,666 --> 00:00:18,984
- Really?
We're doing this again?
9
00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:21,103
After what
happened last year?
10
00:00:21,137 --> 00:00:22,604
- Gassy patsy,
you can't eat--
11
00:00:22,638 --> 00:00:24,439
- [robotic voice]
keep the white house white.
12
00:00:24,474 --> 00:00:26,007
[audience boos]
13
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,809
- You know who enters
these walk-on contests?
14
00:00:27,843 --> 00:00:29,277
Weirdos.
15
00:00:29,312 --> 00:00:31,113
- Read the essays, lemon.
It's not going to kill you.
16
00:00:31,147 --> 00:00:33,515
- Oh, really? 'cause this one
is typed on the inside
17
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,682
Of a bloody halter top.
18
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:35,901
- Just pick one.
19
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:37,185
And while you're at it,
which one of these ties
20
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,570
Do you prefer?
21
00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:39,988
- I thought you said
a man should never wear pastel
22
00:00:40,022 --> 00:00:41,623
Unless he's a black guy
on easter.
23
00:00:41,657 --> 00:00:43,458
- Usually, but I'm going
on the today show
24
00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:45,076
To talk about avery,
25
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,462
And I need to tone down
my natural aura
26
00:00:47,497 --> 00:00:49,047
Of strength
and sexual dominance.
27
00:00:49,081 --> 00:00:50,465
Which wasn't going to happen
28
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,551
With the tie
I was going to wear.
29
00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:53,969
- [gasps]
oh, my.
30
00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:55,203
[stammers]
31
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,172
So, uh, what is the news
with avery?
32
00:00:57,206 --> 00:00:59,174
- Uh, there isn't any,
and that's the problem.
33
00:00:59,208 --> 00:01:00,892
The u.N. Is useless,
the state department
34
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,594
Is full of democrats,
35
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,563
And as it turns out,
amnesty international
36
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,816
Is nothing but a company
that makes and sells candles.
37
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:10,318
- That explains all the vigils.
That is a good scam.
38
00:01:10,353 --> 00:01:12,771
- It's been a year,
and the media have moved on.
39
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:15,056
- Media is a plural noun.
Put this tie on.
40
00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:16,491
- I have to find a way
to get avery's story
41
00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:17,943
Back on the front page.
42
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,728
Fortunately, I run a network
with a news division,
43
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,998
And I will do whatever it takes
to keep avery's plight
44
00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:24,082
In the public eye.
45
00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:26,401
Even...
46
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,788
Go and see matt lauer's band.
It's blues rock, lemon.
47
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,072
It's called...
48
00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,592
Rhythm and news.
49
00:01:37,029 --> 00:01:38,163
- Lemon, no.
50
00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:41,183
[exciting jazz music]
51
00:01:41,217 --> 00:01:49,357
Synced By YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,653
- Sir, I've been thinking.
53
00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:04,623
I know I'm a big shot now
with my suits
54
00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:06,408
And a desk lamp
that I control,
55
00:02:06,442 --> 00:02:07,909
But I just want you to know
56
00:02:07,943 --> 00:02:11,546
I will always be a page
at heart.
57
00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:15,133
Even if I did just receive
a fancy award at my new job.
58
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,835
- On behalf of
the mother[bleep]
59
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,220
Standards department,
60
00:02:18,254 --> 00:02:19,971
I, gaylord felcher,
present you
61
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,340
With the "employee
of the [bleep] week" award.
62
00:02:22,391 --> 00:02:24,626
Let's give it up for this
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
63
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,561
[bleep] bag of [bleep].
64
00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:29,397
- So what can I get for you?
65
00:02:29,432 --> 00:02:31,066
- And hazel's on it, tracy.
66
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:33,151
Kenneth, can I speak with you?
67
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:34,653
- Can you?
You just did.
68
00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,324
- What's your problem?
69
00:02:39,358 --> 00:02:40,859
- Oh, my, well...
70
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:42,911
My parents were
technically brothers--
71
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:44,279
- Look, I'm trying to do
my job here.
72
00:02:44,313 --> 00:02:47,449
Tracy's my responsibility now.
I take care of him.
73
00:02:47,483 --> 00:02:50,702
- Oh, well, I'm sorry,
ms. What's-her-name,
74
00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:53,705
But I'll always be there
for mr. Jordan.
75
00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,324
He has a special place
in my heart.
76
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,677
Just like nana parcell,
my heartworm.
77
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:01,846
- Ugh!
78
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,432
- Hey, jack.
What are you still doing here?
79
00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:06,351
Your segment was bumped.
- What?
80
00:03:06,385 --> 00:03:09,170
Why? You guys doing
another hard-hitting expose
81
00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:11,306
On how to plan a staycation
with your cyber bully?
82
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,674
- No, it's real news for once.
83
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,509
There was a mine collapse
in china.
84
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,311
Turns out,
to keep labor costs down,
85
00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:18,146
All the miners there
are babies.
86
00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:21,516
They pay 'em in yogurt.
87
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,017
- God.
88
00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:25,737
Remember when we used to be the
world leader in baby cuteness?
89
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,188
I can't compete with that.
90
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:29,624
- Also, adult dogs can't fit
in the baby mines,
91
00:03:29,659 --> 00:03:32,460
So they're lowering down puppies
to bring in supplies.
92
00:03:32,495 --> 00:03:33,962
- [sighs]
93
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,863
- Hey, thanks for coming
to see my band last night.
94
00:03:35,881 --> 00:03:38,300
- Yes, I didn't expect you
to play for four hours.
95
00:03:42,871 --> 00:03:45,039
- Hey, dummies, I need you guys
to write a sketch
96
00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:47,926
With a non-speaking part for
whoever wins this dumb contest.
97
00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:50,312
And do not write another
sketch about krang
98
00:03:50,346 --> 00:03:51,879
From teenage mutant
ninja turtles.
99
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,381
No one knows who krang is.
100
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,484
It would be a waste of time to
talk about krang on television.
101
00:03:56,519 --> 00:04:00,021
No more krang!
102
00:04:04,226 --> 00:04:05,827
- Liz?
- Krang!
103
00:04:05,861 --> 00:04:07,228
What the hell, hazel?
104
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:09,864
- Can I ask your advice,
woman to woman?
105
00:04:09,898 --> 00:04:10,865
- Are you sure?
106
00:04:10,899 --> 00:04:11,899
'cause I took one of those
107
00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:13,585
"which gossip girl are you?"
quizzes,
108
00:04:13,619 --> 00:04:15,170
And it said I was
the dad's guitar.
109
00:04:15,204 --> 00:04:17,255
- [scoffs] please.
You are so amazing.
110
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:19,174
This place
is such a boys' club,
111
00:04:19,208 --> 00:04:23,261
But you boss them around
like an amazon warrior queen.
112
00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:25,046
And look at your body.
113
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,048
Your rack is like, "pow!"
114
00:04:27,082 --> 00:04:29,768
- Hazel, what is the question?
- It's kenneth.
115
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:31,136
He's not a page anymore,
116
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,355
But he keeps trying
to do my job for me.
117
00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:34,606
And when I confronted him
about it,
118
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,775
He was so condescending.
119
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:40,178
He laughed at me, and then
he undressed me with his eyes.
120
00:04:40,212 --> 00:04:42,230
And then he had his way
with me.
121
00:04:42,264 --> 00:04:43,815
With his eyes.
122
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,817
- Ugh. The male gaze.
- Yeah.
123
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,619
They're all a bunch of gays.
124
00:04:47,653 --> 00:04:51,206
- No, kenneth is sweet,
but he's still a man.
125
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,274
And in our society,
men get praised
126
00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:55,410
For just taking
whatever they want.
127
00:04:55,444 --> 00:04:57,746
But what do people call women
who are tough and ambitious?
128
00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,614
- Leslie or courtney?
129
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,283
- What? No.
A bitch.
130
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,002
Well, you may be at the bottom
of the totem pole now,
131
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,670
But you're in the game.
132
00:05:05,721 --> 00:05:08,256
So play it like a man and don't
let anyone try to stop you.
133
00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:14,262
Just like the karate kid--
hilary swankarate kid iv.
134
00:05:14,296 --> 00:05:16,231
- I want you to be my mentor.
135
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:20,018
- Julie-san,
fighting not good.
136
00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,904
But if must fight, win.
137
00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,823
Kesuke miyagi,
karate kid iv.
138
00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:27,325
I accept!
139
00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:29,977
- You listen to me,
blitzer.
140
00:05:29,995 --> 00:05:31,913
Either cnn gets back
on the avery jessup story,
141
00:05:31,947 --> 00:05:35,867
Or I'll tell everyone your
real name, steel hammerhands.
142
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:38,002
[click]
hello?
143
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:41,456
Steel?
Mr. Hammerhands?
144
00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:43,124
- Jack.
145
00:05:43,158 --> 00:05:44,992
I have an important
actor request.
146
00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,544
- This is not really
a good time, jenna.
147
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:48,513
- I want you to hire a giant
to stand in the background
148
00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:50,432
Of every scene I'm in
to make me look daintier.
149
00:05:50,466 --> 00:05:51,933
It works.
150
00:05:51,967 --> 00:05:54,102
It's why lamar odom married
that giant kardashian girl.
151
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,003
- I run a tv network,
152
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:59,307
And I still can't get my wife's
story on the air.
153
00:05:59,341 --> 00:06:03,695
The world may have forgotten
about avery, but I haven't.
154
00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:06,281
Sometimes at night,
I sit here in the dark,
155
00:06:06,315 --> 00:06:08,817
Drinking scotch,
staring at that doorway,
156
00:06:08,851 --> 00:06:10,184
Hoping against hope
157
00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:12,787
That she'll walk
as if nothing ever happened.
158
00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:14,539
"I'm home, jack.
159
00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:17,442
And I brought back a bunch
of oriental sex powders."
160
00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:20,528
- I know how you can get
avery back on television.
161
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,580
Her story has everything!
162
00:06:22,631 --> 00:06:24,215
Blondeness, kidnapping,
163
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,200
A villain with an accent.
164
00:06:26,218 --> 00:06:29,220
It's the perfect tv movie.
I should know.
165
00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:32,423
I played italian party whore
in the amanda knox story.
166
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:35,310
- A tv movie--jenna, I don't
want to trivialize this ordeal.
167
00:06:35,344 --> 00:06:36,544
- But those movies get results.
168
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,879
Every kidnapped woman
I've ever played
169
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,180
Has been released.
170
00:06:39,214 --> 00:06:41,850
- Well, it would allow me
to control the story.
171
00:06:41,884 --> 00:06:43,050
- Well, you better hurry, jack.
172
00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:44,486
Oxygen is already working
on a movie
173
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:45,653
About the baby miners.
174
00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:46,938
- Then we'll have
to slow them down.
175
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,723
Gabriel...
176
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,577
Send a bunch of pies
to the oxygen network.
177
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,333
- Excuse me,
ms. What's-her-name.
178
00:06:58,367 --> 00:06:59,567
What's that?
179
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,085
- Not that it's any
of your business,
180
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,422
But tracy's jaw is tired
from pretending to be pac-man.
181
00:07:04,456 --> 00:07:07,959
So I'm making it easier
for him to eat.
182
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,460
- No! No!
183
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,596
He can't eat that junk.
184
00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:14,516
He just got his cholesterol
down to triple digits.
185
00:07:14,550 --> 00:07:17,468
- Get off my ass, parcell.
I'm doing my job.
186
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,755
You think you can push me around
just because you have a penis?
187
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,724
- I definitely have a penis.
188
00:07:22,758 --> 00:07:24,142
- You think I'm some
delicate little girl
189
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,927
Who'll do whatever you say?
190
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,261
Well, I'm not delicate.
191
00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:30,431
I've been in tons
of car wrecks.
192
00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:31,616
- Hazel, I just peed this.
193
00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:33,100
Could you take care
of it for me?
194
00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:34,268
- Sir!
195
00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:37,071
I am resuming responsibility
for your care.
196
00:07:37,105 --> 00:07:38,773
You are in dire need
197
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:41,376
Of a getting-your-act-together
montage.
198
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:44,629
♪ down so low,
don't know what up is ♪
199
00:07:44,663 --> 00:07:46,497
♪ when--
- I'm sorry, tracy.
200
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:50,168
You wanna be bossed around
by this trailer park hitler?
201
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:53,454
Or do you wanna do whatever you
want with a sexy, fun bitch
202
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:55,924
Who just bought you a pinata?
203
00:07:55,958 --> 00:07:57,625
- Awesome!
204
00:07:59,428 --> 00:08:00,628
- [inaudible]
205
00:08:02,831 --> 00:08:02,831
+
206
00:08:04,753 --> 00:08:06,112
Miss lemon, do you
have a second
207
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,155
Or are you busy regretting
your life choices,
208
00:08:08,189 --> 00:08:10,107
For example, missing your window
for having children?
209
00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:12,859
- Get to the point, kenneth.
- It's hazel.
210
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:16,029
I'm trying to help her,
but she's gone crazy.
211
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,564
- Uh-huh.
You can't handle the fact
212
00:08:17,582 --> 00:08:18,999
That a woman is doing
your old job.
213
00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,784
What a world.
214
00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:22,786
I bet even hillary clinton
has to put up with this crap
215
00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:25,038
From whoever was
secretary of state before her.
216
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,673
- You mean condoleezza--
- shut up.
217
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,075
Look, I believe in hazel.
I happen to be her mentor.
218
00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:30,710
So to quote mr. Miyagi,
219
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:33,913
"leave girl alone or you deal
with me, surf shop owner."
220
00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:38,385
- Hey, sweetie.
How was your day?
221
00:08:38,419 --> 00:08:40,920
- Not even half over, hazel.
222
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,140
Ugh! I still have to read
all these essays.
223
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,375
Okay.
- Look at you.
224
00:08:45,409 --> 00:08:48,495
You're a whirlwind--
in charge in the board room...
225
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,763
And the bedroom.
- Sure.
226
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,816
- You're a modern,
dtf type woman
227
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,284
Whose whole vibe says,
228
00:08:54,318 --> 00:08:57,704
"yeah! Dig sex and I'm not
gonna apologize for it."
229
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,824
- Okay, here's a little
bedroom tip.
230
00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:04,544
Put a bag of popcorn
in the microwave beforehand.
231
00:09:04,579 --> 00:09:06,779
That way, when you're done,
you have a treat.
232
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,916
- I wish I had your
emotional intelligence.
233
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:13,587
My boyfriend razmig and I
have hit a little rough patch.
234
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,423
- Okay.
Lay it on me.
235
00:09:16,457 --> 00:09:20,460
- Well, I went home
this afternoon to get some,
236
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:24,797
And I found razmig banging the
fattest chick I've ever seen.
237
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,234
And you know,
I used to weigh 800 pounds.
238
00:09:27,268 --> 00:09:28,602
- Stop right there.
239
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,353
You didn't hit a rough patch.
He cheated on you.
240
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,804
You have to dump him
immediately.
241
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,107
- What?
How can you say that?
242
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,442
- Hazel,
I'm trying to help you.
243
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,477
- By asking me to break up
with the man I love?
244
00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:40,830
Helping me would be teaching me
how to spice things up.
245
00:09:40,865 --> 00:09:42,532
Like by greeting him
at the front door
246
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,751
Wearing nothing
but false teeth.
247
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:48,154
I'm very disappointed
in your mentorship, liz.
248
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:49,489
If this were two years ago,
249
00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:51,174
I would sit on you
till you died.
250
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:57,597
- No wigs.
251
00:09:57,632 --> 00:10:00,500
I said no wigs.
252
00:10:00,518 --> 00:10:02,052
You're not a lead, gabe.
253
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,387
At best, you're a featured extra
with no lines.
254
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:09,059
Do you understand?
- Hey, gabe.
255
00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:11,444
- Lemon, would you be interested
in writing the screenplay
256
00:10:11,479 --> 00:10:13,446
For the greatest love story
ever told?
257
00:10:13,481 --> 00:10:17,016
- You mean lois lane's love
affair with journalism?
258
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,652
I said it.
- Avery and me.
259
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,537
I'm producing
a television movie
260
00:10:20,571 --> 00:10:21,955
To get her back
in the headlines.
261
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,157
For obvious reasons,
I'm fast-tracking the project.
262
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,293
The script is due on Monday.
- Monday?
263
00:10:26,327 --> 00:10:28,461
Hmm. I guess I won't be able
to go to the gym this weekend.
264
00:10:28,496 --> 00:10:29,796
- I know it's short notice,
265
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,581
But I would consider it
a personal favor
266
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,366
After six years of listening
to you complain
267
00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:35,418
About how there are
so few women on death row.
268
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,138
- Is a coincidence,
or is the system sexist?
269
00:10:38,172 --> 00:10:40,924
Oh! Speaking
of our amazing dynamic,
270
00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:42,875
I have taken on a mentee
of my own, jack--
271
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,010
A page named hazel.
272
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,378
- You're a mentor?
273
00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:47,230
But that makes me
a grand-mentor.
274
00:10:47,265 --> 00:10:49,282
And I'm still so young.
- Don't worry.
275
00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:50,600
I already messed it up.
276
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,103
I told her to break up
with her awful boyfriend
277
00:10:53,137 --> 00:10:54,654
And she got really mad at me.
278
00:10:54,689 --> 00:10:56,273
- Often, the best way
for a mentee to learn
279
00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:57,657
Is for you
to let her fail.
280
00:10:57,692 --> 00:10:59,192
- Wait, does that mean
you've done that to me?
281
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,994
When?
- Um--
282
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,329
- I think the crowd
at the apollo
283
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:03,697
Might welcome
a change of pace.
284
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,949
- You're right.
You should do it.
285
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,118
Sometimes, they have
to learn the hard way.
286
00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,703
If hazel rejects your advice,
let her.
287
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,204
She'll get there on her own
288
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,589
Just like you did
after the crowd at the apollo
289
00:11:12,623 --> 00:11:14,291
Chased you into the river.
290
00:11:14,342 --> 00:11:17,577
- Okay, I understand the irony
of what I'm about to say,
291
00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:20,130
But I reject that advice.
292
00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,582
Don't worry, I'll bring you back
a t-shirt from successtown.
293
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:27,387
Ow! My groin!
294
00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:29,589
- Mr. Jordan!
- K-dog.
295
00:11:29,607 --> 00:11:32,425
You were wrong.
They do still make crossbows.
296
00:11:32,443 --> 00:11:34,811
- You let him buy a crossbow?
297
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,363
And a motorcycle?
298
00:11:36,397 --> 00:11:38,931
- No, kenneth, I let him buy
a motorcycle ramp
299
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,534
And no motorcycle!
300
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,406
Can I help you?
301
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,075
Tracy's very tired.
He didn't sleep last night.
302
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,410
- Why not?
303
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:51,944
If he doesn't get at least
14 hours a night,
304
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:53,413
He starts to go crazy.
305
00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:54,881
- We on a show within a show!
306
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,116
My real name
is tracy morgan!
307
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,752
- Well, tracy wanted
to go clubbing.
308
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,470
And I don't know
if you know this, kenneth,
309
00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:02,389
But night clubs
are open at night.
310
00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:04,724
- You didn't let him drink,
did you?
311
00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:07,293
Mr. Jordan can't mix alcohol
with his medication.
312
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,929
- I'm not an idiot, kenneth.
I took him off his medication.
313
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,314
- You what?
314
00:12:11,349 --> 00:12:12,732
Why are you doing this?
315
00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:14,651
- Because liz told me to.
316
00:12:14,685 --> 00:12:17,470
Having access to tracy
is an opportunity,
317
00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:19,239
And I'm
taking advantage of it.
318
00:12:19,273 --> 00:12:22,275
Did you see page six today?
319
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,244
Those are my toes
he's sucking on.
320
00:12:24,278 --> 00:12:27,614
And he did not want to.
321
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,920
[gasping]
ah, mm.
322
00:12:36,424 --> 00:12:39,092
- Jack!
323
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,993
What the hell is this?
324
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,129
- Where did you get that?
325
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,382
- Donna from casting and I
are friends.
326
00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:46,766
Well, not so much friends
327
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,551
As I own a magnet
that can scramble her pacemaker.
328
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,387
- Jenna,
you are not playing avery.
329
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:52,722
- Why not?
This movie was my idea!
330
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,057
- I appreciate that.
331
00:12:54,108 --> 00:12:56,860
You can play
a korean party whore.
332
00:12:56,894 --> 00:12:59,178
I just don't think you can
capture avery's essence.
333
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,147
- That's ridiculous.
334
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,616
I posed bottomless in essence.
335
00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:05,869
- Jenna, avery is worldly.
Traveled.
336
00:13:05,903 --> 00:13:06,986
She went to yale.
337
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,405
- Oh, I see.
338
00:13:08,456 --> 00:13:11,074
You think I'm stupid,
just because my college
339
00:13:11,125 --> 00:13:13,076
Got tipped
over by those miami heat fans.
340
00:13:13,127 --> 00:13:14,694
- I didn't say stupid.
341
00:13:14,712 --> 00:13:16,162
Jenna, there are many kinds
of intelligence.
342
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,549
Practical, emotional,
and there's actual intelligence,
343
00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:21,301
Which is
what I'm talking about.
344
00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:23,052
- I want this part, jack.
345
00:13:23,087 --> 00:13:24,921
It's a guaranteed
emmy nomination.
346
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,923
- I'm sorry.
I've made up my mind.
347
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:30,042
- Very well.
348
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,928
But let me
ask you this, jack.
349
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,380
Would a dumb person be able
to think of something amazing
350
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:39,018
To say as she leaves?
351
00:13:42,857 --> 00:13:44,774
- Liz, we have a show
in four hours.
352
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,359
Have you still not picked
a contest winner?
353
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,061
- Ugh! Fine,
I'll just pick one at random.
354
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,030
It's joren van der sloot.
355
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,832
- We can't fly someone
from peru now.
356
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:55,702
There's no time.
357
00:13:55,736 --> 00:13:58,455
- Oh, hazel, we need to talk.
- I'm busy, liz.
358
00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:01,291
Tracy wants me to paom in .
359
00:14:01,342 --> 00:14:02,675
Is this dress appropriate
360
00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,177
For watching pornography
with penn jillette?
361
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:07,096
- Okay, normally we don't
encourage tracy to go to vegas,
362
00:14:07,131 --> 00:14:10,133
Because of his gambling
addiction and his fear of magic.
363
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:12,769
But maybe a weekend away
from razmig is a good thing.
364
00:14:12,803 --> 00:14:15,054
- No.
Razmig's coming with me.
365
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,589
- [armenian accent] what?
Who is this, hah-zel?
366
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,608
I no permit you talk
other woman.
367
00:14:18,642 --> 00:14:20,026
- Okay, I'm putting
my foot down.
368
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:23,646
This guy is no good for you
and I order you, as your mentor,
369
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,114
To dump him.
370
00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:26,766
- You don't know what you're
talking about, liz.
371
00:14:26,784 --> 00:14:29,602
Razmig is amazing.
He makes me laugh.
372
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,489
- Oh, where is toilet pail?
Razmig must make mud.
373
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:34,958
- [chuckling]
razmig!
374
00:14:34,992 --> 00:14:36,609
- Hazel, no.
I'm not letting you--
375
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:38,778
- [jack's voice echoing]
let her fail, liz.
376
00:14:38,796 --> 00:14:41,714
Let her get there on her own.
377
00:14:41,749 --> 00:14:44,300
- You know what, fine.
You're right, I'm wrong.
378
00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:47,286
Go, be with razmig.
- Thank you, liz.
379
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:51,508
It takes a big woman
to admit she's wrong.
380
00:14:51,559 --> 00:14:52,675
- You are a big woman.
381
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,628
You have pictures?
Fat nudes?
382
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,970
- [knocking]
I need your help, ms. Maroney.
383
00:15:03,988 --> 00:15:06,573
- Absolutely.
384
00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:08,691
Oh, I thought
you were someone famous.
385
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,076
You sound a lot
like reese witherspoon.
386
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,611
What do you want?
387
00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:14,163
- I'm afraid if mr. Jordan
goes to las vegas this weekend,
388
00:15:14,198 --> 00:15:15,648
He's gonna die.
389
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:16,749
- I'm not hearing my name,
kenneth.
390
00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:18,701
- So I thought you--
391
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,954
- Oh, thank god.
That took forever.
392
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,656
- I thought you could teach me
how to get around hazel.
393
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:27,460
If I could just get one minute
alone with mr. Jordan--
394
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,179
- You can convince him
he's wrong. Yes!
395
00:15:30,214 --> 00:15:32,549
But how do you get
his attention?
396
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,435
All the world's a stage,
kenneth.
397
00:15:35,469 --> 00:15:38,104
Just play the part.
398
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,306
- Play the part?
399
00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:46,901
+
400
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,701
- Ms. Lemon.
401
00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:53,086
If it's not too late,
402
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,987
I would like the essay contest
to win a role
403
00:15:55,005 --> 00:15:56,822
On tgs with tracy jordan.
404
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,374
- No, kenneth,
you can't enter.
405
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:00,209
The contest isn't open
to nbc employees.
406
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,994
- I know, ma'am-maw.
407
00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:03,829
Which is why I just
quit my job
408
00:16:03,847 --> 00:16:05,632
At standards and practices.
409
00:16:05,666 --> 00:16:07,500
- I may [bleep] hate you
right now,
410
00:16:07,518 --> 00:16:10,970
You little [bleep], but
[bleep] damn it I respect you.
411
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,305
- Kenneth,
you know this is just
412
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,006
To be a non-speaking extra,
right?
413
00:16:14,024 --> 00:16:15,341
- I know.
414
00:16:15,359 --> 00:16:18,144
But have you ever loved
something so much
415
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,063
That you would sacrifice
anything for it?
416
00:16:20,114 --> 00:16:21,447
- Nope.
417
00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:23,616
But you know what,
this is perfect.
418
00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:25,868
Because then I don't have
to pick some crazy person,
419
00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:27,737
And I know you won't do anything
weird on the air.
420
00:16:27,788 --> 00:16:29,072
- I'm kenneth!
421
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,190
- Get to wardrobe,
contest winner!
422
00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:33,292
This is gonna be
a great show.
423
00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:42,752
- Hello?
- Hi, it's charles from the u.N.
424
00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,087
We found your wife
425
00:16:44,138 --> 00:16:46,055
And I dropped her off
at the office.
426
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,508
She should be there
right about now.
427
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:54,147
- Jack, it's me.
I'm home.
428
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,782
- No, you're not my wife.
429
00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:57,567
- How could you say that,
darling?
430
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:00,236
I'm avery jesbert.
- Jenna?
431
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,188
- No, don't turn on
the light.
432
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,690
Surprised?
433
00:17:03,724 --> 00:17:07,944
- Let's set aside
how idiotic that plan was,
434
00:17:07,995 --> 00:17:10,446
And imagine a world
where it actually worked.
435
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:11,831
- I appreciate your feedback.
436
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:14,233
- If I had believed you
for one second,
437
00:17:14,251 --> 00:17:16,285
I would've been devastated,
heartbroken!
438
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,287
- You wanna talk
about devastation?
439
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,590
How do you think I felt when you
told me I couldn't play avery?
440
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,125
- You are a monster.
441
00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:25,628
What you have done here today,
it's--it's...
442
00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:29,248
The second cruelest thing
that anyone has ever done to me.
443
00:17:29,283 --> 00:17:30,600
Do you know what
the cruelest is?
444
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,068
- When I went to the bathroom
on the hood of your car
445
00:17:32,102 --> 00:17:33,686
Before I thought of this plan?
446
00:17:33,721 --> 00:17:35,338
- Avery had me committed
to a mental hospital
447
00:17:35,372 --> 00:17:36,756
So she
and her college roommate
448
00:17:36,774 --> 00:17:38,307
Could use my yankee tickets
on opening day.
449
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:41,778
- That's a nice story, jack,
but I don't hear my name in it.
450
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:43,696
- You--
- finally.
451
00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:46,983
- You may not have
avery's grace and acumen,
452
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:49,869
But you do have the one thing
that makes her so special--
453
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,572
Her ruthless pursuit
of self-interest.
454
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,607
It's the heart of capitalism.
455
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:59,579
And the beautiful black heart
of my wife.
456
00:17:59,613 --> 00:18:03,583
Jenna, you have avery's essence.
Congratulations.
457
00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:05,117
The part is yours.
458
00:18:05,135 --> 00:18:07,754
- Oh! You won't regret this.
459
00:18:07,788 --> 00:18:09,756
We're gonna get her home,
jack.
460
00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:11,073
Now if you'll excuse me,
461
00:18:11,108 --> 00:18:12,925
I have a female condom
to take out.
462
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,293
Unless...
463
00:18:14,311 --> 00:18:16,095
Going once...
464
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:20,183
- Four, three--
465
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:21,934
[audience cheering]
466
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,486
- Ladies and gentlemen,
467
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,589
A message from the president
of the United States.
468
00:18:26,623 --> 00:18:29,575
- Goo-goo, ga-ga,
my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.
469
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,612
- Okay, he's never been worse.
470
00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,614
Is kenneth supposed to enter?
471
00:18:34,648 --> 00:18:35,832
- I love you, sir.
472
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,033
- Ken, where have you been?
473
00:18:37,084 --> 00:18:39,035
- Damn it.
- I've been here all along.
474
00:18:39,086 --> 00:18:41,287
I never left.
And I never will.
475
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,588
- Go to commercial.
476
00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:43,823
- They told us
we can't do that any more.
477
00:18:43,841 --> 00:18:44,990
- What?
478
00:18:45,008 --> 00:18:46,926
- I quit my job
to be here, mr. Jordan.
479
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,878
It was the only way
I could get around hazel.
480
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:51,130
- You quit your job for me?
481
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:55,218
- I'm not just gonna sit by
and watch you destroy yourself.
482
00:18:55,269 --> 00:18:58,170
'cause I would do anything
for love,
483
00:18:58,188 --> 00:18:59,939
But I won't do that.
484
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:05,812
- The girl in that video was hot
in an early '90s kind of way.
485
00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:09,799
- Now...Take your medicine.
486
00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:11,167
- This has been a message
487
00:19:11,201 --> 00:19:14,320
From the president
of the United States.
488
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,491
- Tough night?
489
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,992
Come on, lemon.
The show was all right.
490
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,460
What about the sketch
with the guy who was worried
491
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:23,129
About his sexual performance?
492
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,331
- That was a real commercial for
an erectile dysfunction drug.
493
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,032
- Well, I laughed.
494
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:29,302
So, uh, how did things
shake out with hazel?
495
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,137
- Not great.
496
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,172
My way, which is still
the right way, didn't work.
497
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,091
So just to see,
I did your thing.
498
00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:37,009
- Good.
You let her fail.
499
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,595
That's how the banking industry
learned its lesson.
500
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,814
And now they're doing amazing,
and everyone's honest.
501
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:43,883
- Mm. Your thing
didn't work either.
502
00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:47,603
- Are you sure?
503
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:56,529
Mentoring is not
an exact science.
504
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,947
- Why aren't there
more female serial killers?
505
00:19:57,998 --> 00:19:59,332
What does that say
about our society--
506
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,366
- Liz!
507
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,902
- Oh, here she is.
She's here.
508
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,237
- Liz, I was watching the show
fall apart
509
00:20:05,255 --> 00:20:08,073
While razmig gave me
a prison tattoo of his face,
510
00:20:08,091 --> 00:20:09,292
And I heard your voice.
511
00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:12,411
I finally heard
everything you said to me.
512
00:20:12,429 --> 00:20:14,413
"hazel,
you're a beautiful flower.
513
00:20:14,431 --> 00:20:16,265
"let yourself bloom.
514
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,583
"what are you doing
this weekend, hazel?
515
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:20,386
Are there still bath houses?
Let's go to one!"
516
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,721
- I never said any of that,
but--
517
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,105
- You were right all along.
518
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:25,691
You knew I was making
the wrong choices.
519
00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:28,728
But you let me fail.
With razmig, with tracy.
520
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,613
- Yes, I was definitely
on top of that tracy thing.
521
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,431
- You were teaching me
the whole time,
522
00:20:32,449 --> 00:20:36,101
And all the while lighting
a fire with that hot ass.
523
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:38,788
- I'm...Jack.
524
00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:43,075
I'm your grand-mentor.
Liz?
525
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,329
She's beautiful.
526
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:49,498
+
527
00:20:59,781 --> 00:21:03,634
Okay! Please welcome
to the stage leminem!
528
00:21:03,668 --> 00:21:04,768
Ooh!
529
00:21:04,803 --> 00:21:07,238
[scattered applause, booing]
530
00:21:07,272 --> 00:21:11,318
- ♪ ahhh, do the sprinkler
here we go.
531
00:21:11,319 --> 00:21:16,209
♪♪♪♪
532
00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:20,694
♪♪♪♪
533
00:21:20,695 --> 00:21:30,965
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