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1
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,840
Tracy, Jenna.
2
00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:05,124
We all know what happen
3
00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:07,457
when you hosted
the St. Patrick's day parade
4
00:00:07,458 --> 00:00:08,393
three years ago.
5
00:00:10,122 --> 00:00:11,256
Wake up,
mother-.
6
00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:13,008
And when you hosted
two years ago.
7
00:00:13,042 --> 00:00:14,542
Die, demon!
8
00:00:14,593 --> 00:00:16,327
Why didn't you
ever call me back?
9
00:00:16,345 --> 00:00:18,563
Unfortunately,
unless Harry's law
10
00:00:18,597 --> 00:00:20,048
really took off this week
and no one told me,
11
00:00:20,082 --> 00:00:22,550
you two are the biggest stars
at the network.
12
00:00:22,601 --> 00:00:24,552
But this year,
everything you say
13
00:00:24,603 --> 00:00:26,337
will be scripted
and on prompter.
14
00:00:26,355 --> 00:00:28,974
Do not deviate
from the script.
15
00:00:29,008 --> 00:00:30,809
Jack, Tracy and I
are total pros.
16
00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:32,060
On television,
17
00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:34,195
and when it comes to
the assisted suicide debate.
18
00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:38,700
Secret handshake,
my baloney.
19
00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:40,285
Hazel,
I won't be here tomorrow,
20
00:00:40,319 --> 00:00:43,154
so... I wanted
to give you this.
21
00:00:43,188 --> 00:00:45,040
It's the tail I had
until I was 16.
22
00:00:45,074 --> 00:00:47,742
Well, don't worry
about the parade.
23
00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:49,160
I'll take care
of Tracy and Jenna
24
00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:51,046
like they're
my own children.
25
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,213
Which is a bad example,
26
00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:56,301
because I left my kids
at a sears in 2004.
27
00:00:56,335 --> 00:00:58,870
I told you about
Mr. Jordan's allergies, right?
28
00:00:58,888 --> 00:01:00,088
Yes, Kenneth.
29
00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,556
He's only allergic
to allergy medication.
30
00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:04,208
But he loves it.
And Ms. Mulroney's...
31
00:01:04,226 --> 00:01:06,544
Kenneth, let go.
This is my rodeo now.
32
00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:09,064
Well, not literally,
of course.
33
00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:12,383
The U.S. Rodeo Association
does not lift lifetime bans.
34
00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,856
So are you gonna work
through St. Patrick's day?
35
00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:20,275
Don't you want to celebrate
Ireland's great accomplishments,
36
00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:23,361
like Michael Lohan
and vomiting into a bagpipe?
37
00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:24,529
Lemon,
so I take it
38
00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:25,914
you will not be
wearing green tomorrow.
39
00:01:25,948 --> 00:01:27,615
I will be wearing
head-to-toe orange,
40
00:01:27,666 --> 00:01:29,918
in honor of protestant
William of Orange,
41
00:01:29,952 --> 00:01:33,104
inventor of the Orange,
according to Yahoo answers.
42
00:01:33,139 --> 00:01:35,206
You in Orange?
43
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,624
You'll look
like a creamsicle
44
00:01:36,675 --> 00:01:37,842
with an old tooth
stuck in it.
45
00:01:37,877 --> 00:01:39,377
Well,
you'll never see me,
46
00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:41,346
'cause I don't leave my house
on St. Patrick's day.
47
00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:43,932
Criss and I are going
to ride out hurricane shamrock
48
00:01:43,966 --> 00:01:46,250
holed up in my apartment,
49
00:01:46,268 --> 00:01:48,586
laughing at excerpts
from Angela's ashes.
50
00:01:48,604 --> 00:01:50,555
You know, some people might
find your attitude offensive.
51
00:01:50,589 --> 00:01:51,606
What are they
going to do about it,
52
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,058
write a meandering play
53
00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:56,644
about how amazing the Irish are
at not overcoming adversity?
54
00:01:56,695 --> 00:01:57,762
Well, I'm sorry
we can't all belong
55
00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,764
to ethnic groups
as beloved as the Germans.
56
00:01:59,782 --> 00:02:01,316
Please,
without Germans,
57
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:02,951
you wouldn't have any
of the Indiana Jonesmovies.
58
00:02:02,985 --> 00:02:05,487
Lemon, your secret love
of the Irish is well-documented.
59
00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:06,821
After all,
I am your mentor,
60
00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:08,406
you dated Dennis Duffy,
61
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,274
and in the '90s,
you gave money to the IRA.
62
00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,293
I thought it was contributing
to a retirement account.
63
00:02:12,328 --> 00:02:13,945
You know, I think
someone needs to learn
64
00:02:13,963 --> 00:02:16,014
a St. Patrick's day lesson.
65
00:02:19,552 --> 00:02:22,153
What is that?
A curse?
66
00:02:22,188 --> 00:02:23,354
Take it back,
you witch!
67
00:02:35,515 --> 00:02:38,015
30 ROCK
S06 Ep 12 - St. Patrick's Day
68
00:02:38,276 --> 00:02:41,776
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
69
00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:42,974
This American life,
70
00:02:43,008 --> 00:02:45,360
Saturday, March 17th,
St. Patrick's day.
71
00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:47,645
You know, everybody complains
about the weather,
72
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,681
but today on the program,
we meet somebody who actually...
73
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,951
What are you doing?
Get out of my studio!
74
00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,120
Happy St. Patrick's day!
75
00:02:55,154 --> 00:02:56,871
Let go of me!
76
00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,290
Didn't you hear
my show on bullying?
77
00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,025
Criss,
watch this.
78
00:03:02,194 --> 00:03:04,879
Megan!
Megan!
79
00:03:06,332 --> 00:03:08,633
Look at them spin around.
They're so confused.
80
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:10,502
- Awesome.
- It's too many Megans, right?
81
00:03:10,536 --> 00:03:11,669
I love you.
82
00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:14,923
I just ordered thai food.
How much do you love me now?
83
00:03:16,058 --> 00:03:17,475
Man, they're fast.
84
00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:19,761
You know what, I can't wait
till the asians take over.
85
00:03:19,812 --> 00:03:21,879
Thank God for delivery,
keeping us inside
86
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,315
and safe from
all the Irish nonsense.
87
00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,316
Dummy.
88
00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:27,552
The curse.
89
00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:29,254
What's up?
I'm Dennis,
90
00:03:29,288 --> 00:03:32,407
a former lover of Liz's....
91
00:03:32,441 --> 00:03:34,492
I tried to steal beer
from a Duane reade,
92
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,578
and some black guy
cold-cocked me.
93
00:03:36,612 --> 00:03:37,579
Like a security guard?
94
00:03:37,613 --> 00:03:38,863
I don't know, pal.
95
00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:42,951
I don't see people
that way.
96
00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:45,837
No, no.
No.
97
00:03:45,871 --> 00:03:48,573
Before we go on,
98
00:03:48,591 --> 00:03:50,375
- do you want to pray together?
- Yeah.
99
00:03:50,409 --> 00:03:52,877
- Michael Jackson's ghost...
- Great Kabbalah monster...
100
00:03:52,911 --> 00:03:55,380
NBC is showing the promo
I worked on for the parade!
101
00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:56,548
I'm famous.
102
00:03:56,582 --> 00:03:59,384
And now back to
NBC's live coverage
103
00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:01,119
of the 2012
St. Patrick's day parade,
104
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:03,321
with hosts Jenna Maroney
and Tracy Jordan.
105
00:04:03,355 --> 00:04:07,609
My God!
They said my name first.
106
00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:09,027
But I'm more famous
than you.
107
00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:13,147
This is probably
some Hollywood prank,
108
00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:14,816
like on the set
ocean's 12,
109
00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:17,035
when I put that snake
in George Clooney's bed.
110
00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:18,620
I was not in the movie.
111
00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:20,538
Or maybe now that
Kidz is a giant hit,
112
00:04:20,573 --> 00:04:22,323
I'm the one
America wants to see.
113
00:04:22,374 --> 00:04:23,658
You better not be
talking about
114
00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:25,210
my dear friend,
America Ferrera.
115
00:04:25,244 --> 00:04:26,744
Get your stuff
out of here,
116
00:04:26,778 --> 00:04:28,463
'cause I get
the bigger dressing room now.
117
00:04:28,497 --> 00:04:29,914
I'll replace your lizard
118
00:04:29,948 --> 00:04:32,417
with a gay guy
in a giant champagne bottle.
119
00:04:32,451 --> 00:04:33,751
Siri, kill Jenna!
120
00:04:33,785 --> 00:04:35,720
what's going on?
121
00:04:35,754 --> 00:04:37,755
I get second billing
to this small-boobied grandma?
122
00:04:37,789 --> 00:04:40,925
No, you guys are friends,
remember? "My baloney"?
123
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,428
The only baloney Tracy has
is the baloney he's full of.
124
00:04:43,462 --> 00:04:45,313
Why would you say that?
125
00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:46,898
You can't take that back.
126
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:51,102
I killed Jenna elfman.
Is that right?
127
00:04:51,136 --> 00:04:52,403
Did you show them
the promo?
128
00:04:52,438 --> 00:04:55,523
Hazel, we don't let them
watch NBC.
129
00:04:55,574 --> 00:04:56,941
Jenna thinks
that Christina Aguilera
130
00:04:56,975 --> 00:04:58,309
lost her voice
during childbirth,
131
00:04:58,327 --> 00:04:59,577
and Tracy doesn't
need to know
132
00:04:59,612 --> 00:05:00,978
that he just became
number two around here.
133
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,830
That kind of mistake
can ruin everything.
134
00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:05,483
I don't like
the way you're talking to me.
135
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:09,504
Why don't we drive to Sears?
I'll buy you a toy.
136
00:05:14,627 --> 00:05:16,928
Excuse me.
May I help you?
137
00:05:16,962 --> 00:05:18,680
What? We don't use your
bathroom when you're not here.
138
00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:20,331
I'm Lutz.
139
00:05:20,349 --> 00:05:22,183
Frank, first of all,
140
00:05:22,217 --> 00:05:24,052
what are you doing here
on a Saturday?
141
00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:26,287
None of the writers can
go out on St. Patrick's day
142
00:05:26,322 --> 00:05:29,107
because we all have faces people
naturally just want to punch.
143
00:05:29,141 --> 00:05:30,725
So we're all
hiding out here,
144
00:05:30,776 --> 00:05:32,777
playing
Colonizers of Malaar.
145
00:05:32,811 --> 00:05:34,228
It's a strategy board game
146
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,447
from the makers Goblet questand virginity keep.
147
00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:38,366
In Malaar,
you build a kingdom
148
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,451
and battle
for world domination.
149
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:43,404
Right now, I'm just
the Lord of the Karthian plains,
150
00:05:43,455 --> 00:05:45,073
but that means
I control all the wheat!
151
00:05:45,124 --> 00:05:48,793
It's actually interesting.
152
00:05:48,827 --> 00:05:50,878
You have
a monopoly on wheat.
153
00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,748
But what happens if you
overproduce, flood the markets?
154
00:05:53,799 --> 00:05:55,083
Prices drop,
your economy collapses.
155
00:05:55,134 --> 00:05:56,718
You've got
to diversify, Frank.
156
00:05:56,752 --> 00:05:58,469
It's basic capitalism.
157
00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:00,004
What other resources
do you have?
158
00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:01,673
Unicorns?
159
00:06:01,707 --> 00:06:03,308
Can you breed
and sell them?
160
00:06:03,342 --> 00:06:04,892
There's got to be
a market for unicorns.
161
00:06:04,927 --> 00:06:08,396
If I've learned anything from
reading Liddy's princess books,
162
00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:10,598
unicorn hair
has magical properties.
163
00:06:10,649 --> 00:06:11,649
You've got to know
your product, Frank.
164
00:06:11,684 --> 00:06:13,267
That's awesome.
165
00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:14,569
It's nothing.
166
00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,404
That kind of thinking
is what I do for a living.
167
00:06:16,438 --> 00:06:18,756
At least, I used to.
168
00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,558
You just have
to replace "Malaar"
169
00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:22,443
with "Fairfield, Connecticut,"
170
00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:25,563
and "unicorn" with...
171
00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:30,251
Unicorn,"
a death Ray.
172
00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:33,955
Hot dog truck,
I went entrepreneur, too.
173
00:06:34,006 --> 00:06:35,373
I got this new business
174
00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,508
where I burn your old DVDs
onto laserdisc.
175
00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,210
Dennis,
176
00:06:39,244 --> 00:06:41,012
I don't think you should
be drinking with a head injury.
177
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:43,965
That's a good Liz impression,
Criss.
178
00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:46,134
She's a bummer.
179
00:06:46,185 --> 00:06:47,769
Well, 911
is still busy.
180
00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:50,688
What could be causing so many
medical emergencies today?
181
00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:52,690
Right,
an Irish religious festival.
182
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,359
Irish pride!
Go, Celtics!
183
00:06:54,393 --> 00:06:55,860
Celtics suck.
Go, Knicks!
184
00:06:55,894 --> 00:06:57,595
As soon as I get through,
I'm getting you an ambulance,
185
00:06:57,613 --> 00:06:59,313
and you are
out of here, Dennis.
186
00:06:59,365 --> 00:07:00,782
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't get into an ambulance.
187
00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:02,817
I don't have health insurance
because of Obama.
188
00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:04,986
Look, Liz, I don't think
he needs to go to the hospital
189
00:07:05,037 --> 00:07:06,821
for a concussion.
I was a volunteer EMT.
190
00:07:06,872 --> 00:07:08,956
At burning man, and we agreed
never to talk about that.
191
00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:10,742
At sunset,
the CACTI start to resemble
192
00:07:10,776 --> 00:07:12,160
people looking for hugs.
193
00:07:12,211 --> 00:07:13,628
It gets ugly, Liz.
194
00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:15,913
You know, there's some things
I miss about being with you,
195
00:07:15,947 --> 00:07:17,965
like having somewhere
to hook my SEGA up to,
196
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,133
but this constant judgment...
197
00:07:19,168 --> 00:07:21,252
Criss deserves better.
198
00:07:21,286 --> 00:07:22,754
Criss, may I speak to you
alone for a minute?
199
00:07:22,788 --> 00:07:25,423
No. Anything you need
to say to him,
200
00:07:25,457 --> 00:07:26,591
you can say
in front of me.
201
00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,309
Me and Criss...
202
00:07:28,343 --> 00:07:30,912
We're bang brothers....
203
00:07:37,394 --> 00:07:39,695
God, live TV's such a rush.
204
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,280
It's like sex,
205
00:07:41,315 --> 00:07:43,950
but your husband isn't looking
at a picture of a bridge.
206
00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:47,403
Peter, can you
explain this to me?
207
00:07:47,437 --> 00:07:49,539
Well, obviously
I'm host number one.
208
00:07:49,573 --> 00:07:50,890
We all saw the promo.
209
00:07:50,924 --> 00:07:54,043
Hazel, the script had
Tracy and Jenna's names in it.
210
00:07:54,077 --> 00:07:55,027
Did you change that?
211
00:07:55,062 --> 00:07:56,245
Duh!
212
00:07:56,279 --> 00:07:58,414
After you PMS-ed
about their names yesterday,
213
00:07:58,448 --> 00:08:00,583
I thought numbers
would make everyone happy.
214
00:08:00,617 --> 00:08:04,153
We're on in five,
four, three...
215
00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:08,758
Welcome to the 2012
St. Patrick's day parade on NBC.
216
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:11,093
They're both reading
host number one.
217
00:08:11,127 --> 00:08:12,178
Would a third host help?
218
00:08:12,229 --> 00:08:13,763
I am S.A.G. eligible,
219
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:16,682
but I will only do nude stuff
if there's a mirror behind me.
220
00:08:16,733 --> 00:08:18,401
Forget the parade, Hazel!
221
00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:20,186
For six years,
we've been tricking them
222
00:08:20,237 --> 00:08:21,771
into thinking
they're friends,
223
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,272
and you've undone
all that in a day.
224
00:08:23,306 --> 00:08:25,107
I understand you have
some interesting trivia
225
00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,210
about this year's parade.
226
00:08:27,244 --> 00:08:31,364
No way,
that's amazing!
227
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:36,285
No.
I've moved on.
228
00:08:36,319 --> 00:08:39,321
I couldn't agree more.
229
00:08:44,261 --> 00:08:45,378
I'm playing
two timber
230
00:08:45,429 --> 00:08:46,879
and one brick
to build a bridge
231
00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:50,016
and establish
a trading post in Midgar.
232
00:08:51,218 --> 00:08:52,184
That failed...
233
00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:55,154
And the Orcs
raped everybody.
234
00:08:55,188 --> 00:08:59,058
Okay, and I am offering Frank
500 gold coins
235
00:08:59,109 --> 00:09:00,943
for the neutral land
between the Elf kingdoms.
236
00:09:00,978 --> 00:09:02,979
- I'll double it.
- The price is now 3000.
237
00:09:03,013 --> 00:09:04,614
- I'll mortgage Theowyn castle.
- I'll take out a loan.
238
00:09:04,648 --> 00:09:06,399
Don't you see
what you're doing?
239
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:07,733
You're creating
a real estate bubble,
240
00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:09,535
and the only person
who'll benefit is sue,
241
00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:11,037
who'll buy up
all the neutral land
242
00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,405
for cents on the dollar.
243
00:09:12,456 --> 00:09:13,706
Thanks a lot, Klootzak.
244
00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,124
I don't come to where you work
and slap the...
245
00:09:15,158 --> 00:09:17,660
It's basic macroeconomics,
people.
246
00:09:17,694 --> 00:09:19,545
None of you is fit
to be king of Malaar.
247
00:09:19,579 --> 00:09:23,165
And you would presume to wield
the scepter of Thalbain?
248
00:09:23,199 --> 00:09:25,418
Yes.
249
00:09:25,469 --> 00:09:29,305
Yes, I would.
250
00:09:29,339 --> 00:09:30,473
Why are you
being nice to him?
251
00:09:30,507 --> 00:09:31,874
What, you want me
to be jealous?
252
00:09:31,892 --> 00:09:34,310
I'm not that guy.
I'm this guy.
253
00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:35,478
No, you need
to know something.
254
00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:36,879
Dennis Duffy is
like the Terminator
255
00:09:36,897 --> 00:09:38,547
with cheaper sunglasses.
256
00:09:38,565 --> 00:09:39,982
He just keeps
coming back,
257
00:09:40,017 --> 00:09:42,401
because his potato brain thinks
he still has a chance with me.
258
00:09:42,436 --> 00:09:44,737
Liz, you'll be back.
259
00:09:44,771 --> 00:09:46,322
If I ever see you again,
I'll kill you.
260
00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:47,556
You'll be back.
261
00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:49,358
- Never again!
- You'll be back, Liz Lemon.
262
00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:50,860
You'll be back.
263
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,728
I'm not kicking Dennis out
of here in his condition.
264
00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:54,413
Guy with a concussion
on St. Patrick's day
265
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:55,748
is like a horse
with a broken leg.
266
00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:58,034
Exactly.
We should shoot him.
267
00:09:58,068 --> 00:09:59,251
Don't you see
what he's doing?
268
00:09:59,286 --> 00:10:01,454
He's already driving
a wedge between us.
269
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:04,957
Criss, get in here.
There's a lez movie on showtime.
270
00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:23,726
Three again?
271
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,713
And your yak...
Has smallpox.
272
00:10:27,748 --> 00:10:29,148
Rockefeller, no!
273
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,550
What?
274
00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:33,285
Dennis is here.
275
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,671
Take back your curse.
This isn't funny anymore.
276
00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:37,323
Really?
You're cursed?
277
00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:39,275
Try ruling over
the desert wastelands of Kroth
278
00:10:39,309 --> 00:10:40,826
with no spell cards.
279
00:10:40,877 --> 00:10:43,796
Are you playing Colonizersof Lamar with the writers?
280
00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:46,882
Malaar, and this game
is just dumb luck.
281
00:10:46,917 --> 00:10:49,335
I dug all these trenches
to irrigate the desert...
282
00:10:49,386 --> 00:10:51,504
But no one's playing
his rain ca...
283
00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:56,225
I'm trapped
in a barren wasteland,
284
00:10:56,259 --> 00:10:58,728
and no matter what I do,
I can't get out.
285
00:10:58,762 --> 00:10:59,729
Wait.
286
00:11:01,148 --> 00:11:03,816
My God,
it's happening again.
287
00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:06,736
The desert of Kroth
is Kabletown.
288
00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:08,854
I've got
to get some fresh air.
289
00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:11,073
So fine,
two can play at this game.
290
00:11:11,108 --> 00:11:13,776
I'm putting
an old German curse on you.
291
00:11:18,949 --> 00:11:21,450
- Dennis had a great idea.
- No.
292
00:11:21,484 --> 00:11:23,119
I should take the hot dog
truck out after the parade,
293
00:11:23,153 --> 00:11:24,837
and sell empty buns
to drunk people.
294
00:11:24,871 --> 00:11:27,206
My God, Criss,
he's just trying to get me alone
295
00:11:27,257 --> 00:11:30,376
so he can start a gas leak
or claim squatter's rights
296
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:31,710
or hit me over the head,
297
00:11:31,762 --> 00:11:33,929
and when I wake up,
we're on our honeymoon.
298
00:11:33,964 --> 00:11:35,297
At seaworld.
299
00:11:35,331 --> 00:11:36,932
Are you sure
this is Dennis's obsession?
300
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:39,518
'Cause you're the one who can't
seem to stop talking about him.
301
00:11:39,553 --> 00:11:42,104
Are you kidding?
I know Dennis Duffy's brain.
302
00:11:42,139 --> 00:11:44,173
I saw some of it
when he jumped on the ice
303
00:11:44,191 --> 00:11:45,274
during an islanders game.
304
00:11:45,308 --> 00:11:46,692
His next move
will be
305
00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:51,530
mentioning some fake girlfriend
to try to make me jealous...
306
00:11:51,565 --> 00:11:54,116
But I'm going to turn it
against him.
307
00:11:54,151 --> 00:11:58,571
And once again, the puppet
will become the puppet master.
308
00:11:58,622 --> 00:11:59,738
What does that mean,
"once again"?
309
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,824
That's not a thing.
310
00:12:01,858 --> 00:12:05,861
This ends right now.
311
00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:09,548
Dude, you missed
the end of the lez movie.
312
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:11,584
Their daughter,
she goes off to college,
313
00:12:11,635 --> 00:12:13,419
and Mark Ruffalo,
he's just gonna do
314
00:12:13,470 --> 00:12:14,753
his own thing
with the restaurant.
315
00:12:14,805 --> 00:12:16,639
Look, is there anyone
you want us to call
316
00:12:16,673 --> 00:12:18,307
to let them know
you're okay?
317
00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,226
I left a message
for Megan earlier,
318
00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:21,243
but it's hard for her
to answer her phone,
319
00:12:21,278 --> 00:12:22,812
'cause her boobs
are so big.
320
00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:24,980
I'm sorry,
and who's Megan?
321
00:12:25,015 --> 00:12:26,816
She's my lady, Liz.
I'm seeing someone.
322
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,767
She's a card girl
at kangaroo boxing matches,
323
00:12:28,819 --> 00:12:31,987
so she's got a body,
and she's loaded.
324
00:12:32,022 --> 00:12:34,023
Her grandfather
invented the stop sign.
325
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:36,025
Wait, are you saying
you're over me?
326
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,776
Elizabeth,
don't do this.
327
00:12:37,828 --> 00:12:40,029
Because I am not over you.
328
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,530
I never will be!
329
00:12:41,564 --> 00:12:44,834
I love you, Dennis.
I love you so much...
330
00:12:44,868 --> 00:12:46,452
What the hell, Liz?
331
00:12:46,503 --> 00:12:48,704
No, Criss,
I'm just proving my point.
332
00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:50,289
I don't care
what you're doing.
333
00:12:50,323 --> 00:12:51,841
So it turns out
you can't say "I love you,"
334
00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:54,093
- just not to me.
- Wait, what?
335
00:12:54,127 --> 00:12:55,544
It's not like you haven't
had the chance to say it.
336
00:12:55,578 --> 00:12:58,380
- Love you.
- You're the best.
337
00:12:58,414 --> 00:13:00,766
- Love you.
- Scooby-doo.
338
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,018
- I love you.
- I just ordered thai food.
339
00:13:03,053 --> 00:13:05,221
And I thought you were
just emotionally infantile.
340
00:13:05,255 --> 00:13:07,857
I am!
Me baby.
341
00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:09,308
Yeah.
I'm gonna take the truck out.
342
00:13:09,359 --> 00:13:12,561
No, it's happening.
The wedge!
343
00:13:14,147 --> 00:13:16,615
Liz, we need to talk.
344
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:19,318
Open the bag of wine.
345
00:13:19,369 --> 00:13:21,270
And we're back
with our live coverage
346
00:13:21,288 --> 00:13:22,905
of the St. Patrick's day
parade.
347
00:13:22,939 --> 00:13:26,158
I'm Al Roker, taking over for
Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan.
348
00:13:26,193 --> 00:13:28,443
He should have said
my name first.
349
00:13:28,461 --> 00:13:30,045
Roker should be
on my side.
350
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,665
Why, because you both have
had huge weight fluctuations?
351
00:13:38,371 --> 00:13:39,955
What?
352
00:13:39,973 --> 00:13:42,975
Okay, that's not how you're
supposed to answer the phone.
353
00:13:43,009 --> 00:13:44,059
Just thought I'd check in.
354
00:13:44,094 --> 00:13:45,895
Everything's fine.
355
00:13:45,929 --> 00:13:47,897
Pete says
I'm doing great.
356
00:13:47,931 --> 00:13:49,732
I'm not about
to screw this up, Kenneth,
357
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:51,650
'cause I'd get kicked out
of show business,
358
00:13:51,685 --> 00:13:53,235
and then
how would I be famous?
359
00:13:53,270 --> 00:13:54,320
By starting a fire
360
00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:55,771
and then rescuing everyone
from it?
361
00:13:55,805 --> 00:13:58,524
And then I'm a hero
and then I'm Playboy?
362
00:13:58,575 --> 00:14:00,259
Hazel, are Mr. Jordan
and Ms. Maroney fighting?
363
00:14:00,293 --> 00:14:02,494
Well, you're not a page
anymore, Kenneth.
364
00:14:02,529 --> 00:14:05,898
That information
is classified.
365
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:12,254
You look troubled, son.
366
00:14:12,289 --> 00:14:14,640
Would you like
to talk about it?
367
00:14:14,674 --> 00:14:16,041
I'm stuck, father.
368
00:14:16,092 --> 00:14:19,528
Stuck in a company
that won't innovate or change.
369
00:14:19,563 --> 00:14:22,348
I feel helpless.
Impotent.
370
00:14:22,382 --> 00:14:24,767
Buy me a drink first.
371
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:27,219
Sorry, we've been instructed
to keep it light.
372
00:14:28,805 --> 00:14:30,973
Now there's a man
who overcame some difficulties.
373
00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:33,192
I'm sure you know
the story of St. Patrick,
374
00:14:33,226 --> 00:14:34,610
driving the snakes
out of Ireland.
375
00:14:34,644 --> 00:14:36,345
I'm going to have to stop you
right there, father,
376
00:14:36,363 --> 00:14:37,512
'cause I know for a fact
377
00:14:37,530 --> 00:14:39,348
that there were
never any snakes in Ireland,
378
00:14:39,366 --> 00:14:41,483
and St. Patrick didn't drive
anything out of anywhere.
379
00:14:41,517 --> 00:14:43,569
Knock, knock.
380
00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:46,121
First of all, he was born
in fourth century Ireland.
381
00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:48,457
He might as well have been
born in a grave.
382
00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:51,910
His only worldly possession
was no snakes.
383
00:14:51,962 --> 00:14:54,413
But he turned that...
384
00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:57,950
Into sainthood,
a holiday,
385
00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:00,936
this magnificent cathedral.
386
00:15:00,971 --> 00:15:02,655
He was just some guy
387
00:15:02,689 --> 00:15:06,008
starving in the wilderness...
388
00:15:06,042 --> 00:15:07,709
Exactly like me.
389
00:15:07,727 --> 00:15:11,647
But he found a way
to change his luck,
390
00:15:11,681 --> 00:15:17,036
to take nothing
and turn it into...
391
00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:19,938
By the scepter of Thalbain.
392
00:15:23,062 --> 00:15:24,462
Out!
Now!
393
00:15:27,789 --> 00:15:29,406
Look, Liz, there's something
I've got to tell you.
394
00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:31,375
- Not interested.
- Megan isn't my girlfriend.
395
00:15:31,409 --> 00:15:33,143
I know,
and I am not letting you...
396
00:15:33,178 --> 00:15:34,128
She's my wife.
397
00:15:34,162 --> 00:15:36,446
We just got back
from Seaworld yesterday,
398
00:15:36,464 --> 00:15:38,048
and I know this is
hard for you to hear...
399
00:15:38,083 --> 00:15:40,834
Yeah, it's so hard for me
to hear about your "wife."
400
00:15:40,885 --> 00:15:41,835
I'm so jealous.
401
00:15:41,886 --> 00:15:43,053
Dennis, baby!
402
00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:44,171
I would have
got here sooner,
403
00:15:44,222 --> 00:15:47,091
but I passed out
laughing on 69th Street.
404
00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:49,760
That's hilarious, Megs.
What's up, sugar?
405
00:15:49,794 --> 00:15:50,844
- Hi, how are you?
- How are you doing?
406
00:15:50,895 --> 00:15:52,763
Wait a minute,
Megan is real?
407
00:15:52,797 --> 00:15:55,265
I thought you were
lying to get us back together.
408
00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:56,517
That's why I said
I loved you.
409
00:15:56,568 --> 00:15:58,068
I was trying
to call your bluff.
410
00:15:58,103 --> 00:15:59,570
You know,
that's really messed up, Liz.
411
00:15:59,604 --> 00:16:02,072
Okay, wait,
you said you love him?
412
00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,407
Okay.
413
00:16:03,441 --> 00:16:06,744
You got two minutes
to fill a sock with quarters,
414
00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:09,279
and then we go outside.
415
00:16:09,313 --> 00:16:11,448
My God, stop it,
no more of this Irish nonsense.
416
00:16:11,482 --> 00:16:14,251
Dennis, you came in here,
possibly as part of a curse,
417
00:16:14,285 --> 00:16:16,253
and ruined everything!
418
00:16:16,287 --> 00:16:17,838
What? I did nothing.
419
00:16:17,872 --> 00:16:20,341
If anyone's full
of Irish nonsense, it's you.
420
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:21,675
- Excuse me?
- Think about it.
421
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,594
You're the one
that got all emotional
422
00:16:23,628 --> 00:16:25,212
and made a fool of herself
at a party.
423
00:16:25,263 --> 00:16:26,714
This wasn't a party.
424
00:16:26,765 --> 00:16:27,931
Tell me about it.
It sucked.
425
00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:30,634
Look, you're stubborn,
you hold grudges,
426
00:16:30,668 --> 00:16:32,469
you're emotionally repressed.
427
00:16:32,503 --> 00:16:33,687
She's been living
with this great guy,
428
00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:35,272
and hasn't said
"I love you" yet.
429
00:16:35,306 --> 00:16:37,808
Really?
Not even on a Ferris wheel?
430
00:16:37,842 --> 00:16:39,193
Let's face it, Liz.
431
00:16:39,227 --> 00:16:41,695
You're the most
Irish person here.
432
00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:43,397
Happy St. Patrick's day,
dummy.
433
00:16:43,448 --> 00:16:45,065
Wait, it's St. Patrick's day?
434
00:16:45,116 --> 00:16:49,153
St. Patrick's day, baby.
435
00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:54,958
The first car is here
436
00:16:54,993 --> 00:16:59,880
for whichever one of you
wants to leave first.
437
00:17:00,915 --> 00:17:02,716
Why do I keep
doing this stuff?
438
00:17:02,751 --> 00:17:05,969
Is 70 not a good IQ?
439
00:17:12,143 --> 00:17:14,044
Well, the bigger star
gets the first car.
440
00:17:14,062 --> 00:17:16,930
But the sign says
it's for host number two.
441
00:17:16,981 --> 00:17:18,849
I'm scared, J-mohr.
442
00:17:18,883 --> 00:17:20,234
And not just 'cause
today's the day
443
00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,569
that guy that tried
to kill me gets out of jail.
444
00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:25,939
I'm scared 'cause...
445
00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:27,825
What if I'm not
the biggest star anymore?
446
00:17:27,859 --> 00:17:29,777
Tracy,
I know how you feel.
447
00:17:29,828 --> 00:17:31,412
I've felt that way
for the past five years.
448
00:17:31,446 --> 00:17:32,946
And now that I've gotten
everything I wanted,
449
00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:36,033
all I can think about is
how quickly it can all go away.
450
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,502
Tell me about it.
A year ago, I won an Oscar.
451
00:17:38,536 --> 00:17:39,620
Now look at me.
452
00:17:39,671 --> 00:17:41,789
I had to beg to take over
for Andy Rooney.
453
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,540
And it did not go well.
454
00:17:43,574 --> 00:17:44,658
When I was a kid,
455
00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:47,294
you could get
a prostitute for $5.
456
00:17:47,345 --> 00:17:49,379
You know what?
457
00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:50,714
I'll read host number two.
458
00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:53,383
No.
We'll read it together.
459
00:17:53,417 --> 00:17:56,419
Aww.
460
00:18:03,311 --> 00:18:06,063
Know this, Hazel.
I will always be here...
461
00:18:06,097 --> 00:18:07,648
For them and for you.
462
00:18:07,699 --> 00:18:09,149
Nothing can ever make me...
463
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,734
Move your car.
464
00:18:18,326 --> 00:18:21,128
I'd like to spend
my remaining gold...
465
00:18:21,162 --> 00:18:22,496
To purchase a fire spell.
466
00:18:22,547 --> 00:18:25,649
And against whom will you
be casting this spell?
467
00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:27,334
Against myself.
468
00:18:27,385 --> 00:18:29,586
I am setting fire
to my own desert.
469
00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:32,806
- You're insane!
- Am I?
470
00:18:32,841 --> 00:18:35,008
I'm going to turn
my desert into glass,
471
00:18:35,043 --> 00:18:37,594
and glass is a commodity
that you all need,
472
00:18:37,628 --> 00:18:40,397
for your elfin
oracle mirrors,
473
00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:41,815
for your crystal palace,
474
00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:43,150
for the colorful
glass beads
475
00:18:43,184 --> 00:18:46,103
that you keep buying
for some reason.
476
00:18:46,137 --> 00:18:48,422
I'm going to wear them
to the pirates' ball.
477
00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:50,023
You need my glass.
478
00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:52,025
And I'll take your gold...
479
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:56,029
And eventually,
the throne of 1,000 kings.
480
00:18:56,064 --> 00:18:57,447
You see, it doesn't matter
481
00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,583
if I'm on the wind-blown
dunes of Kroth
482
00:18:59,617 --> 00:19:01,318
or in the fluorescent-lit
boardrooms
483
00:19:01,352 --> 00:19:03,287
of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
484
00:19:03,321 --> 00:19:05,672
I will create something
485
00:19:05,707 --> 00:19:08,692
from nothing.
486
00:19:08,726 --> 00:19:13,180
Today Malaar...
487
00:19:13,214 --> 00:19:15,048
Tomorrow Kabletown.
488
00:19:21,139 --> 00:19:25,609
Your highness, you may take
your right as king.
489
00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:29,563
I am a virgin...
with white guys.
490
00:19:29,614 --> 00:19:31,365
All right,
mustard only.
491
00:19:31,399 --> 00:19:33,233
There you go.
Enjoy your bun.
492
00:19:33,284 --> 00:19:35,786
Sorry, sorry.
493
00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:37,454
These are
the only green things I own.
494
00:19:37,488 --> 00:19:40,541
More importantly,
I have never been with someone
495
00:19:40,575 --> 00:19:41,992
for longer than nine months.
496
00:19:42,026 --> 00:19:43,710
You and I have been
together for six,
497
00:19:43,745 --> 00:19:45,412
so I assume something
will go wrong soon.
498
00:19:45,463 --> 00:19:47,664
You'll tell me
you believe in ghosts,
499
00:19:47,698 --> 00:19:50,968
or I'll reveal
that I am terrible
500
00:19:51,002 --> 00:19:53,503
at expressing my feelings.
501
00:19:53,537 --> 00:19:54,888
But it's not
because I don't have them.
502
00:19:54,923 --> 00:19:56,590
It's just because...
503
00:19:56,641 --> 00:19:57,891
I'm used
to being let down.
504
00:19:57,926 --> 00:19:59,476
Wait, is now the time
505
00:19:59,510 --> 00:20:02,145
on St. Patrick's day when
we talk about our feelings?
506
00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:04,648
I don't understand
your art, Kevin.
507
00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:09,069
But this isn't fair
to you, Criss.
508
00:20:09,103 --> 00:20:11,238
This is the happiest
I've been in a long time,
509
00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:14,658
and I'm sorry that I can't
just be a normal person
510
00:20:14,692 --> 00:20:16,493
and tell you stuff.
511
00:20:16,527 --> 00:20:19,729
Like, nice stuff.
Like...
512
00:20:19,747 --> 00:20:21,198
Greeting card stuff.
513
00:20:21,232 --> 00:20:22,449
You're right there,
buddy.
514
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,418
Come on, homestretch.
515
00:20:24,452 --> 00:20:26,787
Come on.
516
00:20:26,838 --> 00:20:28,205
Okay.
517
00:20:28,239 --> 00:20:29,623
I love you.
518
00:20:29,674 --> 00:20:31,758
I know.
519
00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:36,046
You solo-ed me.
520
00:20:42,268 --> 00:20:46,768
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
521
00:20:51,457 --> 00:20:52,674
Thanks, host number one.
522
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:54,893
Let's take a look at
what's happening live
523
00:20:54,894 --> 00:20:56,010
in Rockefeller Plaza.
524
00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:57,481
I love you.
525
00:20:57,515 --> 00:20:58,816
I got this!
526
00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,184
That is a person named
Liz Lemon
527
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:02,018
who just told some dude
she loves him.
528
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,240
Well, I have known her for a long time
and she never said that before.
529
00:21:05,370 --> 00:21:08,590
****
530
00:21:10,126 --> 00:21:12,626
Also, TV viewers
liked when in a show is a song.
531
00:21:21,703 --> 00:21:22,994
Don't you dare fade out on me.
39288
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