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1
00:00:03,445 --> 00:00:05,512
It doesn't matter how long
you've lived in New York,
2
00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:07,147
it's still fun to look up
3
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:10,317
and pretend all the buildings
are giant severed robot penises.
4
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,319
Be quiet, Lemon.
5
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:13,553
It's happening.
6
00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:16,523
[Eerie music]
7
00:00:16,591 --> 00:00:18,959
♪ ♪
8
00:00:19,027 --> 00:00:20,027
Wow...
9
00:00:20,095 --> 00:00:22,396
Out with G.E.,
in with Kabletown.
10
00:00:22,464 --> 00:00:25,532
It seems like one of us should
sing The Circle Game right now.
11
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,101
30 years at G.E....
12
00:00:27,168 --> 00:00:30,204
Now it's on to phase two.
13
00:00:30,272 --> 00:00:33,173
I'm like Keats' "Stout Cortez,"
14
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:35,709
staring at the Pacific
with a wild surmise
15
00:00:35,777 --> 00:00:37,878
and daring to imagine what...
16
00:00:37,946 --> 00:00:41,548
New planets might swim
into my ken.
17
00:00:41,616 --> 00:00:44,051
So will we be getting
new employee I.D.s?
18
00:00:44,102 --> 00:00:45,886
'Cause I'd really like
to retake my photo.
19
00:00:45,954 --> 00:00:47,221
Good God, what happened?
20
00:00:47,289 --> 00:00:48,722
I was holding in a "snart,"
21
00:00:48,773 --> 00:00:51,775
and then right
when she took the photo...
22
00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:53,260
Don't you want to know
what a "snart" is?
23
00:00:53,311 --> 00:00:54,594
I can tell you now.
It's 10:00.
24
00:00:54,646 --> 00:00:56,096
10:00 in the morning.
25
00:00:57,632 --> 00:00:58,699
[Sneezes, farts]
26
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,669
[Exciting jazz music]
27
00:01:01,736 --> 00:01:11,777
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
28
00:01:17,252 --> 00:01:19,253
Ugh.
29
00:01:19,321 --> 00:01:21,955
FYI, Tracy's
phoning it in today.
30
00:01:22,007 --> 00:01:22,956
What else is new?
31
00:01:23,008 --> 00:01:24,658
No, mother, literally.
32
00:01:24,726 --> 00:01:27,361
Are you also staying
at this hotel?
33
00:01:27,429 --> 00:01:28,462
Line.
34
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:32,232
[Door opens, closes]
35
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,767
Tracy, we have been
playing this game
36
00:01:33,835 --> 00:01:34,968
for five years now.
37
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:36,904
- When is it ever gonna stop?
- I don't know.
38
00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,273
After I win a bunch
of awards for my movie,
39
00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:40,541
it's not gonna get better.
40
00:01:40,608 --> 00:01:42,209
I don't see how
it could get any worse.
41
00:01:42,277 --> 00:01:43,911
Good question, Liz Lemon.
42
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:45,546
When you win an Oscar,
it opens up
43
00:01:45,613 --> 00:01:47,181
an elite level
of actor craziness...
44
00:01:47,248 --> 00:01:49,249
throwing telephones
at hotel employees,
45
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:52,386
speaking to the U.N. about
some messed-up crap in Africa,
46
00:01:52,454 --> 00:01:54,989
and I'm definitely
getting a private island.
47
00:01:55,056 --> 00:01:56,423
You're getting an island?
48
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:58,892
Every crazy A-lister
owns an island...
49
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,027
Nicholas Cage,
50
00:02:00,095 --> 00:02:02,096
Celine Dion, Charles Widmore.
51
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,566
This is a whole new world
in front of me, L.L.
52
00:02:05,633 --> 00:02:08,369
I'm like Stout Cortez!
53
00:02:08,436 --> 00:02:10,771
He's my gardener.
He's easily amazed.
54
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,523
You have two choices here.
55
00:02:12,607 --> 00:02:14,842
Either you can stay
in your room, like a child,
56
00:02:14,909 --> 00:02:16,977
or you can get out there
and do your job.
57
00:02:19,481 --> 00:02:20,731
Thank you.
58
00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:22,783
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was misleading.
59
00:02:22,850 --> 00:02:24,418
I'm not gonna rehearse.
60
00:02:24,486 --> 00:02:26,820
I'm gonna get a sandwich
and then eat it on the toilet.
61
00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:38,132
- What are you wearing?
- My NBC page dress blues.
62
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:40,200
I want to look good,
in case I get on camera.
63
00:02:40,251 --> 00:02:41,535
On what camera?
64
00:02:41,603 --> 00:02:42,970
Well, Mrs. Jordan's
reality show
65
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,406
is gonna be following Mr. Jordan
around while he's at work.
66
00:02:45,473 --> 00:02:46,573
- What?
- I know!
67
00:02:46,641 --> 00:02:47,941
Isn't it exciting?
68
00:02:48,009 --> 00:02:49,777
I've never been on TV before.
69
00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:52,112
I hope I photograph okay,
70
00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:54,048
because when I look
into a mirror,
71
00:02:54,115 --> 00:02:55,749
there's just a white haze.
72
00:02:55,817 --> 00:02:58,252
Who told Tracy
he could bring cameras here?
73
00:02:58,319 --> 00:02:59,987
Well, Mr. Donaghy.
Uh, here...
74
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,739
I couldn't put the memo
in your mailbox,
75
00:03:01,823 --> 00:03:03,890
'cause it's full
of unread adoption materials.
76
00:03:03,942 --> 00:03:05,159
Yeah.
77
00:03:06,778 --> 00:03:09,063
Hey.
Are the reality cams here?
78
00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:12,332
[Groans in disgust]
79
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,369
Oh, God, Lutz, why?
80
00:03:15,437 --> 00:03:17,504
What?
I don't want tush lines.
81
00:03:18,673 --> 00:03:20,174
Oh!
82
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,708
[Knock on door]
You know...
83
00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:23,310
I have enough problems
with Tracy.
84
00:03:23,378 --> 00:03:26,146
I don't need cameras following
him around while he's here.
85
00:03:26,214 --> 00:03:28,082
Do you know what pays
for your show, Lemon?
86
00:03:28,149 --> 00:03:30,517
Our product placement with
Sullivan Psychiatric Clinic.
87
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:31,785
[Deep voice]
"Sullivan Psychiatric...
88
00:03:31,853 --> 00:03:33,654
You'll drool over
our crazy prices."
89
00:03:33,721 --> 00:03:35,522
Reality TV.
90
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,192
A woman with "hundruplets,"
a live execution,
91
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:41,361
the real transvestite hoardersof Orange County Penitentiary.
92
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,163
Ugh, that show is upsetting.
93
00:03:43,231 --> 00:03:44,931
Why does the warden
let Lady Extravaganza
94
00:03:44,983 --> 00:03:46,433
have so many spoons?
95
00:03:46,484 --> 00:03:49,369
Programs like that are
the lifeblood of this industry.
96
00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:50,937
They're cheap, promotable,
97
00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:52,439
and even if they're terrible,
98
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:55,275
you get a rating and move on
to the next idea.
99
00:03:55,326 --> 00:03:56,460
Everybody wins.
100
00:03:56,544 --> 00:03:57,744
Well, I happen to think
101
00:03:57,812 --> 00:03:59,980
we are in a new golden age
of scripted television.
102
00:04:00,048 --> 00:04:01,315
Shh, shh.
103
00:04:01,382 --> 00:04:02,816
[Softly]
Lemon, it's okay.
104
00:04:02,884 --> 00:04:05,853
As I begin phase two
of my jack attack on Kabletown,
105
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,971
I've been doing some research.
106
00:04:08,056 --> 00:04:10,023
Do you know what the most
successful reality events
107
00:04:10,091 --> 00:04:11,525
of the past five years are?
108
00:04:11,593 --> 00:04:14,294
Celebrity benefits
for natural disasters.
109
00:04:14,362 --> 00:04:16,830
The viewership is huge.
110
00:04:16,898 --> 00:04:18,332
Yes, but those ratings
mean nothing.
111
00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:20,534
All the networks air those
benefits at the same time,
112
00:04:20,602 --> 00:04:21,735
so no one gets an advantage.
113
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,404
True, unless only one network
is carrying it,
114
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:26,573
because only one network
is ready to broadcast
115
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,509
a benefit on the night
of the disaster.
116
00:04:28,576 --> 00:04:29,710
But that's impossible.
117
00:04:29,777 --> 00:04:31,011
There's not enough time
to put it together.
118
00:04:31,079 --> 00:04:34,314
Unless you've pretaped
the show beforehand
119
00:04:34,382 --> 00:04:38,085
and filmed options for every
possible disaster scenario.
120
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,153
You're going to pretape
a benefit
121
00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:42,089
for a disaster
that hasn't happened yet?
122
00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,491
- Yeah.
- That is bad karma, Jack.
123
00:04:44,559 --> 00:04:46,193
I mean, this morning,
I stole a cab
124
00:04:46,261 --> 00:04:47,895
from a pregnant lady
on crutches,
125
00:04:47,962 --> 00:04:49,897
and I am just waiting...
[Gasps]
126
00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:52,666
Uh, my goodness, Lemon.
127
00:04:52,717 --> 00:04:54,535
The people affected
will still get money,
128
00:04:54,602 --> 00:04:55,669
but so will NBC.
129
00:04:55,737 --> 00:04:56,737
Everybody wins.
130
00:04:56,804 --> 00:04:58,205
Oh, and I need Jenna to sing.
131
00:04:58,273 --> 00:04:59,439
I'll do it!
132
00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:01,859
But I hate my dress.
133
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:07,004
All right, listen up,
everybody.
134
00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:08,789
I need ideas from you people
135
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,924
for potential
natural disasters...
136
00:05:10,992 --> 00:05:14,094
Anything that might require
a televised celebrity benefit.
137
00:05:14,162 --> 00:05:15,229
I need something new,
138
00:05:15,296 --> 00:05:17,097
and I need it
by the end of the day,
139
00:05:17,165 --> 00:05:19,700
so...
140
00:05:19,768 --> 00:05:21,869
Let's get to work.
141
00:05:23,121 --> 00:05:25,639
Well, I just finished
a screenplay
142
00:05:25,707 --> 00:05:27,875
where a tidal wave
destroys Washington.
143
00:05:27,942 --> 00:05:30,127
Someone write down tidal wave.
Shut him up.
144
00:05:30,195 --> 00:05:33,013
What about a tornado
that hits a handgun factory,
145
00:05:33,081 --> 00:05:35,249
and it's just spinning around
shooting handguns?
146
00:05:35,316 --> 00:05:37,351
What happens
when the second flood comes,
147
00:05:37,419 --> 00:05:39,420
and you aren't allowed
on reverend Gary's ark?
148
00:05:39,487 --> 00:05:41,121
Especially since
reverend Gary made it clear
149
00:05:41,189 --> 00:05:42,873
the ark is just
for teenage boys.
150
00:05:42,957 --> 00:05:44,625
You know, with global weirding
and everything,
151
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,393
stuff like that
could totally happen here.
152
00:05:46,461 --> 00:05:48,195
There was a cyclone
in Brooklyn last year.
153
00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:51,198
It destroyed two vintage-t-shirt
stores and a banjo.
154
00:05:51,266 --> 00:05:52,466
If something does happen,
155
00:05:52,534 --> 00:05:53,700
it'll probably be
while we're at work.
156
00:05:53,768 --> 00:05:55,169
I mean, this is where we spend
all of our time.
157
00:05:55,236 --> 00:05:56,403
We should have a plan in place.
158
00:05:56,471 --> 00:05:57,921
If we don't, I will freak out
159
00:05:58,006 --> 00:05:59,473
and start
karate-kicking people.
160
00:05:59,541 --> 00:06:01,975
Everyone needs
an emergency plan.
161
00:06:02,043 --> 00:06:04,395
For instance,
right before the ark leaves,
162
00:06:04,479 --> 00:06:06,847
I'm supposed to castrate
reverend Gary.
163
00:06:10,985 --> 00:06:12,986
I see you finally
decided to come to work.
164
00:06:13,054 --> 00:06:13,954
Of course.
165
00:06:14,022 --> 00:06:15,272
I'm just continuing
166
00:06:15,356 --> 00:06:16,957
my consistent
professional behavior.
167
00:06:17,025 --> 00:06:18,826
Let's laugh together, friend.
168
00:06:18,893 --> 00:06:21,829
[Laughing forcedly]
[Chuckles weakly]
169
00:06:23,865 --> 00:06:26,467
- What's going on with him?
- First of all, good morning.
170
00:06:26,534 --> 00:06:29,837
And to answer your question,
it's Angie's cameras.
171
00:06:29,904 --> 00:06:31,438
These reality shows
want crazy behavior,
172
00:06:31,506 --> 00:06:32,940
so Tracy's keeping it boring...
173
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:34,775
Give them nothing
that could make him look bad.
174
00:06:34,843 --> 00:06:36,977
Since when does Tracy care
about looking bad?
175
00:06:37,045 --> 00:06:38,645
Since he got nominated
for an Oscar.
176
00:06:38,713 --> 00:06:40,981
Then once he wins,
it's on to the next level,
177
00:06:41,049 --> 00:06:42,483
which I am not looking
forward to.
178
00:06:42,550 --> 00:06:44,802
That island he wants to buy
is filled with scorpions.
179
00:06:44,886 --> 00:06:46,620
Let's do it again from the top.
180
00:06:46,688 --> 00:06:48,155
I want to get it perfect,
181
00:06:48,223 --> 00:06:50,424
because perfection
is my middle name...
182
00:06:50,492 --> 00:06:52,826
"Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy."
183
00:06:58,032 --> 00:06:59,616
So here's the plan.
184
00:06:59,701 --> 00:07:01,935
If anything happens, we meet
outside under the Atlas statue,
185
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,437
walk to the 59th Street bridge,
186
00:07:03,505 --> 00:07:05,005
and try to get
to my mom's house in Queens.
187
00:07:05,073 --> 00:07:06,006
Okay, good.
188
00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:07,274
We've got a wide skill set
189
00:07:07,342 --> 00:07:08,842
for any
post-apocalyptic scenario.
190
00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:11,178
I'm good at archery
and kind of want to die.
191
00:07:11,246 --> 00:07:13,180
I can use my glasses
to start a fire.
192
00:07:13,248 --> 00:07:15,282
Toofer can get us
through black, gay,
193
00:07:15,350 --> 00:07:17,551
and nerd-controlled
neighborhoods.
194
00:07:17,619 --> 00:07:19,820
Cerie will be some sort of queen
in the new society.
195
00:07:19,888 --> 00:07:22,623
I will do sex with cannibals
as needed.
196
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:23,891
I can talk to animals.
197
00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:25,125
Well, not talk to 'em...
198
00:07:25,193 --> 00:07:28,011
I can take commands from 'em.
199
00:07:28,096 --> 00:07:30,964
Huh. Lutz... What can he do?
200
00:07:31,032 --> 00:07:33,150
Well, he's slow and a coward.
201
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,468
[Scoffs]
202
00:07:34,536 --> 00:07:35,903
I'm not useless.
203
00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:37,971
I mean, I've got a car.
204
00:07:38,039 --> 00:07:39,573
Oh, I didn't know that.
205
00:07:39,641 --> 00:07:41,408
All right, Lutz is the driver.
206
00:07:41,476 --> 00:07:42,993
W-wait.
How big is your car?
207
00:07:43,077 --> 00:07:44,811
- Can it fit all of us?
- Oh, right.
208
00:07:44,863 --> 00:07:46,480
It's actually pretty small.
209
00:07:46,548 --> 00:07:49,550
I could only take
three of you...
210
00:07:49,617 --> 00:07:53,253
So I'll have to choose.
211
00:07:53,321 --> 00:07:55,088
That sucks.
212
00:07:55,156 --> 00:07:57,925
It's like a reality show
where you guys get to compete
213
00:07:57,992 --> 00:08:01,728
for a seat in my car
by proving how much you like me.
214
00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:08,435
Tracy, I need you
to do something.
215
00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:09,770
Of course, friend.
216
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,672
Teamwork is the key to success.
217
00:08:11,739 --> 00:08:13,006
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
218
00:08:13,074 --> 00:08:15,609
You need to stay late
for a wardrobe fitting tonight.
219
00:08:15,677 --> 00:08:17,377
It should take about two hours.
220
00:08:17,445 --> 00:08:18,745
Okay.
221
00:08:18,813 --> 00:08:20,180
No problem.
222
00:08:20,248 --> 00:08:22,950
After that, I need you
to record that DVD commentary
223
00:08:23,017 --> 00:08:25,452
that you've been putting off
for five years.
224
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,121
Hope you didn't have
plans tonight.
225
00:08:28,189 --> 00:08:30,691
No, I wasn't gonna buy
two blimps
226
00:08:30,758 --> 00:08:33,126
and crash them into each other
to see what sound they made.
227
00:08:33,194 --> 00:08:36,129
Look, is there anything that
you two could maybe fight about?
228
00:08:36,197 --> 00:08:38,465
An argument that culminates in
a racial slur would be lovely.
229
00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,467
Sorry, this is gonna be nice
and boring.
230
00:08:40,535 --> 00:08:43,070
Tracy's even going to agree
to attend a fundraiser
231
00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:44,972
for my cousin's dance studio.
232
00:08:45,039 --> 00:08:46,406
Aren't you, Tracy?
233
00:08:50,278 --> 00:08:51,612
So we're good?
234
00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:53,247
Never better.
235
00:08:53,314 --> 00:08:56,049
I'm as happy as a clam
that wants to kill some woman.
236
00:08:56,117 --> 00:08:58,185
Great.
You're the best.
237
00:08:58,236 --> 00:08:59,353
Love you!
238
00:09:00,438 --> 00:09:02,122
Love you more!
239
00:09:04,392 --> 00:09:06,893
Boy, I-I don't know, Jack.
This just doesn't feel right.
240
00:09:06,961 --> 00:09:08,428
Bob, it's for charity.
241
00:09:08,496 --> 00:09:11,131
And if you don't do it,
I'll have MSNBC tell the world
242
00:09:11,199 --> 00:09:12,599
you grew up in England.
243
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,468
[Cockney accent] But I'm
so identified with New York,
244
00:09:14,535 --> 00:09:15,736
you bloody tosser!
245
00:09:15,803 --> 00:09:18,739
Bob...
246
00:09:18,806 --> 00:09:20,924
Okay.
247
00:09:21,009 --> 00:09:23,010
Disaster options, take one.
248
00:09:23,077 --> 00:09:25,078
"We'll always remember
where we were
249
00:09:25,146 --> 00:09:27,948
"when we heard that tornado
had hit a handgun factory.
250
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:30,484
"Two days ago, when people
thought of a mudslide,
251
00:09:30,551 --> 00:09:32,819
"they just thought of getting
drunk in an Applebee's.
252
00:09:32,887 --> 00:09:36,256
"But now we know it as
the thing that destroyed Denver.
253
00:09:36,307 --> 00:09:38,458
"When the birds first
started attacking us,
254
00:09:38,526 --> 00:09:41,295
"we all thought it was pretty
funny and made Hitchcock jokes.
255
00:09:41,362 --> 00:09:42,963
"But we're not laughing now,
256
00:09:43,031 --> 00:09:46,033
"because our laughter excites
the birds sexually.
257
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:48,702
"This devastating wildfire.
258
00:09:48,770 --> 00:09:50,370
"This horrible flood.
259
00:09:50,438 --> 00:09:52,139
"This wonderful flood
260
00:09:52,206 --> 00:09:54,608
"that put out
that devastating wildfire.
261
00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:57,911
These super-intelligent sharks."
262
00:09:59,664 --> 00:10:01,682
Tracy, I just thought
263
00:10:01,749 --> 00:10:03,583
of a few more things
I need from you.
264
00:10:03,635 --> 00:10:06,353
[To the tune of Uptown Girl]
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
265
00:10:06,421 --> 00:10:10,023
♪ I am finished taking
orders from you ♪
266
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:12,726
♪ and I think that you're
a four-eyed douche ♪
267
00:10:12,794 --> 00:10:15,095
Wow, Tracy, I don't want
to interrupt this moment.
268
00:10:15,163 --> 00:10:17,464
This is great stuff,
but that's Billy Joel's.
269
00:10:17,532 --> 00:10:18,999
Anything you sing
to that tune, uh...
270
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,400
I can't use on the show.
271
00:10:20,468 --> 00:10:22,135
♪ That's too bad ♪
272
00:10:22,203 --> 00:10:25,372
♪ but if I say
you cannot do anything ♪
273
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,342
♪ to make me look bad
on your TV show ♪
274
00:10:28,409 --> 00:10:31,545
♪ and also let me say
that Liz is a ho ♪
275
00:10:31,612 --> 00:10:33,113
♪ a dirty ho ♪
276
00:10:33,164 --> 00:10:34,881
[Tune of Uptown Girl]
♪ You are a child ♪
277
00:10:34,949 --> 00:10:38,919
♪ and you're losing
your mi-i-i-nd ♪
278
00:10:38,986 --> 00:10:41,955
♪ I want to kick you ♪
279
00:10:42,006 --> 00:10:44,825
♪ I'm not good
at making up songs ♪
280
00:10:44,892 --> 00:10:47,511
♪ unlike me, who is good ♪
281
00:10:47,595 --> 00:10:50,731
♪ as you can tell
from this rhyme ♪
282
00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:52,766
♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
283
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,685
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
284
00:10:54,769 --> 00:10:57,104
♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
285
00:10:57,171 --> 00:10:59,139
Both:
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
286
00:10:59,207 --> 00:11:01,675
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
287
00:11:01,743 --> 00:11:03,560
♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪
288
00:11:08,855 --> 00:11:10,673
♪ The thing that happened ♪
289
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:13,125
♪ was so sad ♪
290
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,533
♪ we can't believe
it got so bad ♪
291
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:19,336
♪ when the stuff
we know occurred ♪
292
00:11:19,404 --> 00:11:22,039
♪ went down ♪
293
00:11:22,106 --> 00:11:24,708
♪ so find it in your heart ♪
294
00:11:24,776 --> 00:11:27,578
♪ step up and do your part ♪
295
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,881
♪ and help the people
the thing that happened ♪
296
00:11:30,949 --> 00:11:32,983
♪ happened to ♪
297
00:11:33,051 --> 00:11:34,768
♪ help the people ♪
298
00:11:34,852 --> 00:11:37,087
♪ the thing that happened ♪
299
00:11:37,138 --> 00:11:43,410
♪ happened to ♪
300
00:11:43,478 --> 00:11:45,145
Fantastic, Jenna.
You really brought
301
00:11:45,213 --> 00:11:47,864
the songwriting computer's
words to life.
302
00:11:47,932 --> 00:11:50,534
Wow, you're actually
doing this.
303
00:11:50,602 --> 00:11:52,603
Yes, all I'm missing
is the disaster.
304
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,137
Well, I'm in the middle
of a Tracy disaster.
305
00:11:54,205 --> 00:11:56,006
I thought I could use
Angie's cameras
306
00:11:56,074 --> 00:11:58,442
to make him behave,
but he found a loophole,
307
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,661
and now, to close it,
I need $80,000
308
00:12:00,745 --> 00:12:02,379
to buy the rights
to Uptown Girl.
309
00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:03,547
Lemon, it sounds like
310
00:12:03,615 --> 00:12:05,048
you're trying to fight crazy
with crazy.
311
00:12:05,116 --> 00:12:06,516
Yeah, because crazy
is the only language
312
00:12:06,584 --> 00:12:07,718
that Tracy is fluent in.
313
00:12:07,785 --> 00:12:09,186
But you'll never
out-crazy Tracy,
314
00:12:09,254 --> 00:12:10,520
so why don't you have it out
with him
315
00:12:10,588 --> 00:12:12,155
once and for all,
like two adults?
316
00:12:12,223 --> 00:12:13,557
Because we're not
two adults, Jack.
317
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:15,692
One of us is an actor,
and actors are not people.
318
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,061
Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food,
319
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:20,330
or I will drop a "d"
in the green room!
320
00:12:20,398 --> 00:12:21,732
Yeah.
321
00:12:21,799 --> 00:12:25,469
Last week you thought
I was crying wolf, didn't you?
322
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,853
[Laughter]
Lutz is the best.
323
00:12:26,938 --> 00:12:29,323
- Nice feet, Lutz.
- I like Lutz the most.
324
00:12:29,407 --> 00:12:30,974
Look at all of you
trying to impress me.
325
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:33,543
I feel like the bachelor.
326
00:12:33,611 --> 00:12:37,147
But, uh,
whom shall I give my rose?
327
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,416
[Laughter]
328
00:12:39,483 --> 00:12:43,537
It's so hard to choose
when everyone loves me so much.
329
00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:47,174
But only three of you
can ride to safety in my car.
330
00:12:47,258 --> 00:12:48,342
Mmm!
331
00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,727
[Laughter]
332
00:12:50,795 --> 00:12:52,829
[Softly]
I don't really have a car.
333
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,231
[Laughs]
334
00:12:56,868 --> 00:12:59,903
Tracy, your little
singing game is over.
335
00:12:59,971 --> 00:13:01,905
I got auto-tune
for my computer,
336
00:13:01,973 --> 00:13:04,308
and if you try to sing,
I'll just take out the melody,
337
00:13:04,375 --> 00:13:05,976
and no one has to pay for that.
338
00:13:06,044 --> 00:13:07,844
[With auto-tune]
♪ Liz Lemon won ♪
339
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,313
♪ do do do do ♪
340
00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:11,848
That was me singing the Beatles'
Here Comes the Sun
341
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:12,883
for free.
342
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:14,184
[With auto-tune]
L.L., please.
343
00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:16,536
[Normal voice]
I'm way ahead of you.
344
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:17,888
And I'm not rehearsing.
345
00:13:17,955 --> 00:13:19,856
I'm going to shoot
garden gnomes with a handgun
346
00:13:19,907 --> 00:13:21,024
at Tupac's house.
347
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,576
Yeah, Tupac is alive.
348
00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:24,544
I bet you'd like to have that
on your show.
349
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,029
Yes, Tracy, obviously.
350
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,364
But again,
I can't use any of it
351
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,699
when you're wearing that mask.
352
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,384
The Rangers logo
is trademarked.
353
00:13:30,468 --> 00:13:32,169
Okay, fine.
Jack was right.
354
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:33,370
I can't out-crazy you.
355
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,255
So we're gonna talk, right now.
356
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:36,506
No cameras.
357
00:13:40,711 --> 00:13:43,380
All right, Tracy,
the kid gloves are coming off.
358
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,316
Oh, that explains it.
Those are gloves.
359
00:13:46,384 --> 00:13:48,418
No wonder they're
so coarse and wrinkly.
360
00:13:48,486 --> 00:13:51,321
Five years ago,
I rescued your career.
361
00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:52,773
And how do you repay me?
362
00:13:52,857 --> 00:13:55,325
By making my life harder
at every turn.
363
00:13:55,393 --> 00:13:57,560
You are late.
You blow off rehearsals.
364
00:13:57,612 --> 00:14:00,330
And your online romance prank
was not funny!
365
00:14:00,398 --> 00:14:01,565
I fell in love with you!
366
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:02,766
[Laughs]
367
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,751
You wore a yellow hat
to that coffee shop.
368
00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:06,937
You know what's actually funny
about all this?
369
00:14:07,004 --> 00:14:08,572
You think I'm the problem.
370
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,474
Have you ever tried to work
with you?
371
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,576
Really?
You're trying to blame me?
372
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,011
Five years ago,
I saved your show.
373
00:14:15,079 --> 00:14:17,080
I rode in here on a white horse
374
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,815
that you made me leave
in the lobby.
375
00:14:18,883 --> 00:14:22,319
All you do is stifle me
when you should be thanking me.
376
00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:23,854
Oh, yeah,
I should be thanking you.
377
00:14:23,921 --> 00:14:27,474
Without me, do you have any idea
where you would be right now?
378
00:14:27,558 --> 00:14:30,193
This honky grandma be trippin'
379
00:14:30,261 --> 00:14:32,295
over surfmaster's
mid-range jet skis!
380
00:14:32,363 --> 00:14:35,315
Where do you think
you would be without me?
381
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,817
Now, Jerry, in rehearsal,
382
00:14:36,901 --> 00:14:38,769
it's okay
to play with yourself.
383
00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:40,337
But when we do the show...
384
00:14:40,405 --> 00:14:42,772
Hey, dummy, you got
to drive me to paintball,
385
00:14:42,824 --> 00:14:44,040
and no complaining.
386
00:14:44,108 --> 00:14:45,459
The only reason
why I got that DUI
387
00:14:45,543 --> 00:14:47,144
is 'cause it was your birthday.
388
00:14:47,211 --> 00:14:50,113
What's up, Jerry?
[Laughs] That's awesome.
389
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:53,316
Well, at least Jerry
bothered to come to rehearsal.
390
00:14:53,384 --> 00:14:55,302
And in my alternate reality,
391
00:14:55,386 --> 00:14:57,621
Dennis dies,
and I win the lottery.
392
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,623
But then I would run you over
with a jet ski!
393
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,624
Damn it!
394
00:15:03,094 --> 00:15:05,962
Jonathan, come in here!
395
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,630
Fantastic news...
396
00:15:07,682 --> 00:15:09,900
There's been
a natural disaster.
397
00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,435
Was it in Indian Kashmir?
398
00:15:11,502 --> 00:15:13,937
May Durga's trident pierce them
from the skies!
399
00:15:14,005 --> 00:15:16,506
No. A typhoon just hit
an island in the South Pacific,
400
00:15:16,574 --> 00:15:18,208
and news is going
to full-time coverage!
401
00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:20,577
It's perfect.
The island is called Mago.
402
00:15:20,645 --> 00:15:21,878
It's near Fiji.
403
00:15:21,946 --> 00:15:23,646
Heavy structural damage,
no fatalities...
404
00:15:23,698 --> 00:15:25,081
Sad, but not too sad.
405
00:15:25,149 --> 00:15:27,284
We'll get footage
of beautiful Polynesian people,
406
00:15:27,351 --> 00:15:28,535
proud and topless,
407
00:15:28,619 --> 00:15:30,821
maybe a pelican
near some diapers.
408
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,022
I don't know.
409
00:15:32,089 --> 00:15:33,573
Oh, it's all happening so fast.
410
00:15:33,658 --> 00:15:35,258
We haven't even given
this plan a code name.
411
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:36,543
Haven't we?
412
00:15:36,627 --> 00:15:39,996
Operation Righteous
Cowboy Lightning is a go.
413
00:15:46,204 --> 00:15:47,671
Okay, first of all,
I look weird there
414
00:15:47,722 --> 00:15:48,772
because I'm "snarting."
415
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,807
You "snarted"
in my dressing room?
416
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:53,143
And second of all,
I said no cameras.
417
00:15:53,211 --> 00:15:55,946
That footage cannot be shown
on television.
418
00:15:56,013 --> 00:15:58,114
I'm trying to buy
a island over here.
419
00:15:58,182 --> 00:15:59,599
I'm sorry, Tray,
but now I just need
420
00:15:59,684 --> 00:16:00,984
a heartfelt resolution.
421
00:16:01,052 --> 00:16:02,986
So we're gonna use
a little reality-TV magic.
422
00:16:03,054 --> 00:16:05,322
We call it staging it or lying.
423
00:16:05,389 --> 00:16:07,190
We'll shoot you guys
meeting in the hallway.
424
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,959
Uh, you apologize, you hug.
425
00:16:09,026 --> 00:16:11,094
Ugh.
You are disgusting.
426
00:16:11,162 --> 00:16:13,797
And I have absolutely no reason
to apologize to him.
427
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,298
And I have no reason
to hug her,
428
00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:17,767
other than my love of having
boobs pressed against me.
429
00:16:17,835 --> 00:16:18,902
If I hugged you,
430
00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:20,420
I would angle it
so that you got no boob.
431
00:16:20,505 --> 00:16:22,172
And I would anticipate
your angling,
432
00:16:22,239 --> 00:16:23,406
and I would get there.
433
00:16:23,474 --> 00:16:25,976
- [Groans]
- I would get there.
434
00:16:26,043 --> 00:16:26,977
[Door slams]
435
00:16:27,044 --> 00:16:28,795
Yah!
436
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,616
Hey, buddy, I made you
an apocalypse road trip mix.
437
00:16:32,683 --> 00:16:34,284
I hope your car
has a CD player.
438
00:16:34,352 --> 00:16:35,919
[Scoffs]
It has two.
439
00:16:35,987 --> 00:16:37,587
And it has flames on the side.
440
00:16:37,655 --> 00:16:38,922
Oh.
441
00:16:38,973 --> 00:16:40,941
Lutzy, guess what.
442
00:16:41,025 --> 00:16:42,642
A friend of mine works
for Marvel,
443
00:16:42,727 --> 00:16:44,661
and he got me four tickets
to a test screening
444
00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:46,613
of Captain America tonight!
445
00:16:46,697 --> 00:16:48,097
Nice!
446
00:16:48,149 --> 00:16:50,984
Chris Evans' body
looks amazing in the trailer.
447
00:16:51,068 --> 00:16:52,669
When's his
Men's Health cover?
448
00:16:52,737 --> 00:16:57,040
Okay, so who you gonna take
with you besides Frank?
449
00:17:07,885 --> 00:17:08,885
Dude, make up your mind.
450
00:17:08,953 --> 00:17:10,453
We have to be in Harrison
by 6:00.
451
00:17:10,504 --> 00:17:12,422
Wait.
It's in New Jersey?
452
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:13,957
How are we getting
to New Jersey?
453
00:17:14,025 --> 00:17:15,892
You're going to drive us,
obviously.
454
00:17:17,511 --> 00:17:21,131
[Sobbing]
What am I gonna do?
455
00:17:21,198 --> 00:17:23,132
Where have you been, sir?
Have you seen the news?
456
00:17:23,184 --> 00:17:25,301
I don't have to, Jonathan.
I know what's on it...
457
00:17:25,353 --> 00:17:26,836
The poor people of Mago Island
458
00:17:26,904 --> 00:17:28,972
and their brave
shorts-wearing police force.
459
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,540
If you're just joining us,
460
00:17:30,608 --> 00:17:32,075
this is NBC's
continuing coverage
461
00:17:32,143 --> 00:17:34,010
of the devastation in Mago...
462
00:17:34,078 --> 00:17:37,530
the Fijian island owned by
controversial actor Mel Gibson.
463
00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:38,531
Good God.
464
00:17:38,616 --> 00:17:40,450
We are receiving reports
465
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,118
of extensive damage
to the main house,
466
00:17:42,169 --> 00:17:44,504
as well as the house
for Gibson's cars.
467
00:17:44,589 --> 00:17:46,823
No word yet on the fate
of Gibson's collection
468
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:50,343
of anti-semitic
and misogynistic literature.
469
00:17:50,428 --> 00:17:52,329
No!
470
00:17:52,396 --> 00:17:54,881
No, this is not a prank.
This is Jack Donaghy.
471
00:17:54,966 --> 00:17:57,968
And I'm calling about Operation
Righteous Cowboy Lightning.
472
00:17:58,019 --> 00:17:59,603
[Elevator bell dings]
Hello?
473
00:17:59,670 --> 00:18:01,204
We are joined now by a relative
474
00:18:01,272 --> 00:18:03,506
of the island's owner...
Oskar Gibson.
475
00:18:03,557 --> 00:18:04,708
[Australian accent] G'day.
476
00:18:04,775 --> 00:18:07,861
First off, the holocaust
never happened.
477
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:11,531
Aah!
478
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:16,853
We go now to NBC's exclusive
primetime benefit
479
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:19,089
for the victims
of the devastation in Mago,
480
00:18:19,156 --> 00:18:21,825
specifically Mel Gibson
and his houseguest,
481
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:22,892
Jon Gosselin.
482
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,461
[Gasps]
483
00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:28,665
Why do bad things
happen to good people?
484
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,767
We'll never know.
485
00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,736
But look at these pictures.
486
00:18:32,803 --> 00:18:35,538
Look at these
beautiful souls...
487
00:18:35,606 --> 00:18:37,590
And pick up the phone.
488
00:18:37,675 --> 00:18:39,776
Every dollar
you give to help...
489
00:18:39,844 --> 00:18:41,144
[Male voice]
Mel Gibson...
490
00:18:41,211 --> 00:18:42,762
Will go towards rebuilding...
491
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:44,014
[Male voice]
His sex jacuzzi.
492
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,449
♪ And help the people ♪
493
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:49,119
♪ the thing that happened ♪
494
00:18:49,186 --> 00:18:53,790
♪ happened to ♪
495
00:18:56,293 --> 00:18:57,427
[Horn honking]
496
00:18:57,495 --> 00:18:58,461
Oh, here he comes!
497
00:18:58,529 --> 00:19:00,280
Pick me, Lutzy!
Pick me!
498
00:19:05,453 --> 00:19:07,937
Now, you can't all fit, so...
499
00:19:08,005 --> 00:19:10,173
Dude, did you just buy
that car?
500
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:11,441
What?
501
00:19:11,509 --> 00:19:13,176
There's a dealer sticker
in the window,
502
00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:14,611
you got no plates,
503
00:19:14,679 --> 00:19:16,880
and you made these flames
out of magic marker and tape!
504
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,782
I'd rather die
than ride with him.
505
00:19:18,849 --> 00:19:20,583
- Let's go.
- Uh, okay.
506
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,218
But now I do have a car,
507
00:19:22,269 --> 00:19:23,937
so everything's
like it was before.
508
00:19:24,021 --> 00:19:27,390
[Sobbing]
It's all like it was before!
509
00:19:27,441 --> 00:19:31,127
[Car door closes]
510
00:19:31,195 --> 00:19:32,462
[Mutters weakly]
511
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:35,832
♪ And help the people
the thing that happened ♪
512
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:38,101
♪ happened to ♪
513
00:19:38,169 --> 00:19:39,402
♪ help the... ♪
514
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,271
Mm, we now return to Queen of Jordan.
515
00:19:41,338 --> 00:19:43,273
- You heard me!
- Ugh.
516
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:46,910
[Onerepublic's Secrets]
517
00:19:46,961 --> 00:19:48,011
What the hell?
518
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,446
Tracy, I need you.
519
00:19:50,498 --> 00:19:52,615
- Of course, friend.
- So we're good?
520
00:19:52,683 --> 00:19:54,851
- Never better.
- You're the best.
521
00:19:54,919 --> 00:19:57,587
- Love you.
- Love you more!
522
00:19:59,006 --> 00:20:01,157
Let's never fight again.
523
00:20:01,225 --> 00:20:04,644
No, never, Tracy.
524
00:20:04,729 --> 00:20:07,797
I know it's fake, but...
525
00:20:07,865 --> 00:20:11,151
[Crying]
Damn it, I miss him.
526
00:20:11,235 --> 00:20:12,702
[Crying]
527
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:15,605
I knew I'd get
that boob squish.
528
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,874
♪ Honestly, I swear ♪
529
00:20:17,942 --> 00:20:19,308
♪ thought you saw me wink... ♪
530
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,693
Tracy, I'm sorry.
531
00:20:20,778 --> 00:20:23,196
Don't. You already said it
all on the show.
532
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,781
You said it all.
533
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,334
- I got there.
- I'm angling.
534
00:20:28,419 --> 00:20:29,919
I'm angling.
535
00:20:31,954 --> 00:20:33,821
Hey.
Are you okay?
536
00:20:33,872 --> 00:20:35,289
Oh, you're kidding.
537
00:20:35,357 --> 00:20:37,158
Your dumb stunt worked?
538
00:20:37,226 --> 00:20:39,844
It was our highest rating
since that episode of SVU
539
00:20:39,928 --> 00:20:41,829
where the detectives
watched American Idol.
540
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,464
It was a train wreck.
541
00:20:43,515 --> 00:20:44,549
It was reality TV.
542
00:20:44,633 --> 00:20:45,900
It can be good.
It can be terrible.
543
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,435
It just can't be
anything in between.
544
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,319
You know, some people
actually craft stories.
545
00:20:51,439 --> 00:20:54,939
And when the story doesn't have an ending
you don't just create one out of thin air
546
00:20:54,984 --> 00:20:58,561
by playing music or having people
give each other meaningful looks.
547
00:20:58,681 --> 00:21:00,511
Sure, that might manipulate the audience
548
00:21:00,631 --> 00:21:03,284
into thinking they're feeling something,
but it sucks.
549
00:21:04,711 --> 00:21:07,835
♪ Tell me what you want from me ♪
550
00:21:07,955 --> 00:21:11,180
♪ something that were like those years ♪
551
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:14,042
♪ I'm sick of all the insincere ♪
552
00:21:14,258 --> 00:21:19,505
♪ so I'm gonna give all my secrets away ♪
40434
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