All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e11 Mrs. Donaghy.eng

Happy New Year, congratulations
on getting married, sir.

I know I didn't deserve to be invited
so I thought I'd give your gift now.

Not if it's a song.

It's not.
It's...

This belt.

Oh.

Well, the nuptials
were perfect.

We rented a villa
on St. Esclavage.

For my second wedding, I just
wanted a five-minute ceremony

surrounded by one giant party,

so the service was performed

by an exiled French
admiral/defrocked minister.

[Speaking French]

Well, I'm glad
it went smoothly.

-
You and I...

was that my best man,

deep sea explorer
and raconteur Bob Ballard,

took ill after eating
some bad toucan.

So, uh, Lemon filled in
as my best man.

[Laughs hysterically]

This is from St. Esclavage.

It's my marriage certificate.

Oh, good God.

[Screams at a high pitch]

[Exciting jazz music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Liz Lemon,
I want it to be noted

that I'm here on time.

This is a new year
and a fresh start for me.

Now I got to go.

Where are you going?

I'm hosting the International
Pornography Awards.

And I have to go get
an insurance physical

so I can fly into the arena

in a penis-shaped parachute.

[Knock at door]

[Speaking Mandarin]

Hey, what is going on
with Jenna's dressing room?

Jack rented it out
to an I.T. company.

The Kabletown board
is meeting this week

to approve buying NBC, and
he's doing everything possible

to make us seem profitable.

He turned the green room
into an NBC experience store.

And we have to schedule
our rehearsals

around the bat mitzvahs

Jack has booked in the studio.

When Madison was born,
I said, "Rivka,

my schveltz is filled
with schpoinkis."

Okay, well, I'm gonna talk
to Jack about this.

I'm sure he's still in
a good mood from the wedding.

- Oh, yeah, how was that?
- Total chaos...

No rehearsal,

no program,

the bride wore
a black cocktail dress.

The airline lost my luggage,

and the only place
to buy anything on the island

was at the tennis pro shop.

Luckily, I had the essentials
in my carry-on...

toiletries,
closed-toe shoes,

and the state department-
recommended mosquito head nets.

I sense more complaining
in you.

Terrible flower girl.

At four years old,
you should know

how to pace
your petal distribution.

Hannah, petal, step,
petal, step.

Come on!

And don't even get me started
on the monkeys.

You!
It needs to see Mr. Donaghy.

It needs to see him right away.

Get us all our stuff back.

[Knock at door]

- Hey.
- Elizabeth, shut the door.

Lemon,
during my wedding ceremony,

do you remember being asked
a question by the minister?

Yeah.
It was something like...

[Babbles in fake French]

And in spite
of not understanding,

you responded, "Oui."

Well, one of my new year's
resolutions is to say yes...

yes to love, yes to life,

yes to staying in more.

Do you remember signing
this document afterwards?

Yeah.
The minister told me to...

On the epouse line.

Witness.

Not witness.

No, Lemon...

Wife.

Mother...

Vous partagez?
C'est tres europeen.

Est-ce que je peux vous joindre
dans votre partage?

Oui.

They married us by mistake?

It is a clerical error

that will be rectified
immediately.

See, this is exactly the kind
of thing that happens

when there is no order,
no planning.

Hitler and Martha Stewart
would have hated that wedding.

Of course,
it's everyone else's fault

that the minister thought
the lady

in the white dress and the veil
was the bride.

It was a men's tennis shirt

and a government-sanctioned
head net.

You kept holding on to my arm.

It's hard to balance on sand.

Who wears shoes on a beach?

Only Rocky and Apollo Creed

during the training montage.

Who cares?
You're fixing it.

I'm sorry you got caught up
in another one

of Liz Lemon's adventures.

My adventures...
I am the protagonist.

Avery is in China right now
covering an economic conference.

She is not a spy.

I want this taken care of
before she gets back.

Divorce papers
are being drawn up.

Try to sign on the right line.

Whatever you say, dear.

Do not.
Do not.

Don't forget, honey,

we have bridge
with the Cunninghams tonight.

Tracy, you are going to die...

What?
No!

When I tell you who I'm dating.

Squeaky fromme.

She is difficult.

Anyhoo,

I have the results
of your physical.

Tracy, you are going to die.

What?
No!

You have no reflexes.

Your blood tastes
like root beer.

And some of your bones
appear to have vanished.

Now, I've only ever seen
this kind of thing

on dead people
during operation Desert Storm.

I actually wrote
a report on it,

but my commander refused
to pass it on up to Saddam.

[Chuckles]
Kooky times.

But I can't die,
Dr. Space-Man.

Who will be there
to raise my kids

if I'm not around to pay someone
to raise my kids?

Look, making even minor changes

to your unhealthy lifestyle
would help,

like diet and exercise.

Well, we tried.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Tracy.

But on the bright side,

at least your family's
financially set for life.

Now, this could
literally kill you.

Lollipop?

[Sighs] Thank you for taking
in Miss Maroney, Mr. Baker.

We would have asked you sooner,
but we forgot you worked here.

Thank you
for doing this, Danny.

It's gonna be fun.

[Laughs]
Yeah.

It's like...
it's like we're married.

[Laughs]

Now, don't you two
start bickering

like old married folks.

[Laughter]

Are you okay?

It's just I got a haircut,

and you didn't even notice.

Sorry.

You get your hair cut
every week.

Excuse me?

I don't like your tone.

And I don't like
what you've turned into.

I'm not the one who forgot
our one-minute anniversary.

Finally,
as the merger progresses,

you'll notice some changes
to your benefits,

including
new health care options.

I'm sorry. That should read
"few health care options."

[All grumbling]
I've got to redo this.

You have to talk to Jack.

I can't lose my dental.

There's a hygienist there whose
boob sometimes touches my ear.

Yeah, go upstairs and tell
your boyfriend to help us.

Jack is not my boyfriend.

He is, dot-dot-dot,

my husband.

[All gasping]

On your wedding night,
did he take you

in the French fashion?

No, there was a mix-up
in St. Esclavage,

and Jack and I
are technically married.

Oh, my God.
[All gasping]

Did you hear
what I asked you before?

Liz, you should know

that NBC has strict
antinepotism guidelines.

If your husband is your boss,

then you're both going
to have to come

to my office and discuss this.

What? No.
It's not real.

- We're getting a divorce.
- That's what Ann Curry

and Subhas the janitor
tried to tell me.

That was five years ago.

No, it's a mistake.

We are signing something
tomorrow.

Wait, Liz, we can use this.

Jack needs a divorce.
You have leverage.

What are you talking about?

You don't sign
any divorce papers

until we get the studio back,
our full budget,

- our health insurance...
- Pete, I'm not...

They shut down
your secret bathroom

- to save on cleaning costs.
- I have to talk to my husband.

No, no, Bob,
we made it very clear.

You have to buy NBC
with everything else.

Then just don't watch it.

What is it, Lemon?

I'm trying to negotiate
a $30 billion deal.

That's billion with a "b."

Is that right?

That seems like way too much.

Yeah, well, my staff and I
are also trying

to do our jobs, but we can't

without studio space
or health insurance

or those vegetable chips
that I hate

and I keep telling Kenneth
not to get.

Let me show
you something, Lemon.

This is
our NBC priority pie chart.

The big red part you can see
is The Biggest Loser.

The yellow slice,
our number-two priority,

Make It 1997 Again
Through Science or Magic,

and the little green part
is everything else.

Request denied.

No.
Request denial denied.

You have to make TGS
a priority.

Your show netted $600
last year.

- Your parents had to buy an ad.
- I don't care.

If I don't get what I deserve,

I'm not signing
those divorce papers.

Are you blackmailing me?

You should think very carefully

about what you're doing
right now.

I am...

Lots.

Very well.

We'll do this divorce
the hard way.

But I'm warning you.

This isn't
my first rodeo, Lemon.

Well, I've been to a rodeo too.

It was a cat rodeo
in a gay guy's apartment.

Hey!

What happened to my poster
of the Montreal Alouettes?

It's signed by Marc Trestman.

Oh, it's tacky, Danny,

just like your mother's
stupid chain emails.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, my nails are wet!

Mr. Hornberger...

Do you and your wife
ever fight?

Not all the time.

After her hysterectomy,
she was in a coma briefly.

How do y'all make up?

Ah.
[Chuckles]

Look, Paula and I love
each other,

but two people living together,
it's unnatural.

And while our children

are basically snot silos
with bb guns,

they do come in handy
as a buffer.

Is that like being a fluffer?

Because I have done that
and did not enjoy it.

Blow-drying animals
at a pet salon is hard work.

No, a buffer
is a protective barrier.

Like pigs have around
their delicious testicle meat.

We can't fight around the kids.

You see them looking up at you
with their little faces,

their hair already receding,

and you bite your tongue.

A buffer.

What is it?

Thanks, Jack, for coming
to this emergency meeting.

I'm sorry I'm four hours late,

but my alarm clock
didn't go off

because it died
in a cockfight last night.

Tracy, what can I do for you?

Well, it's come to my
attention that I'm going to die.

Oh, please, you have nothing
to worry about.

We have Martin Lawrence
on a holding deal.

Look, I don't want anything
to happen to my husband.

But if it did,
we have a lot of expenses.

Estate planning is complicated,

what, with the government
taking half.

What?

That's double taxation.

I like you, Angie.

How can I help?

Well, to maintain
our standard of living,

I need to be able to earn
as much as Tracy does.

And if you need to make
millions of dollars

but have no real skills
or education,

the best place to do it
is in entertainment.

I mean, look at me.
[Laughter]

I can't even find Mexico
on a map.

Things are a little tight
at the company right now,

but if you want to learn about
the entertainment business,

I can find you something.

Oh, yeah, I'm willing
to start at the bottom.

There's only one thing
I won't do,

and that's take orders
from anyone, ever.

Hey, Angie, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.
I'm not about to cancel

my hair appointment with D'Fwan
because I'm your new intern.

You need to light
some incense in here.

Okay, hang on.
Who said you're my intern?

It was Jack's idea.
I have to start a career.

But I'm gonna need next week off
to go skiing.

What?

Okay, I see what this is.
Jack's messing with me.

We're having a little fight,

- so he sent you here...
- Excuse me.

How is my being here
messing with you?

Do you have a problem
with strong black women?

No!
Don't you see?

That's the kind of exchange
Jack wants.

Angie, an intern's job

is to do things like make copies
and run errands.

So I'm like your servant?

No, because
you're not being paid.

You're really more like...

Oh, boy.

Look, Angie,
you don't want to be an intern.

Don't tell me what I want.

And I don't really have time
to mentor someone right now,

so I don't think
this is a good idea.

I don't understand.

That white girl just fired you.

Come on, D'Fwan,

be a buddy.

[Loud tapping]

Hey.

Idiot, don't touch the...

Nothing.

Love you.

[Smooching]

Look,
I made this picture of us.

Did you draw that?

You might need help.
That's awful for an adult.

Well, I think
it's great, Kenneth.

You should hang it on the wall.

Careful!

Don't coddle the boy.

He can do it.

All: Aah!

Oh, my bones!

- Now look what you did.
- You made him afraid.

Oh, did I also make you
half a man?

- You're ruining my life!
- What life?

My bones.

Lemon, why do I have
an appointment

with Jeffrey Weinerslav
tomorrow morning?

Every day
that I'm married to you,

my life gets worse.

That Angie thing
was real cute, Jack.

And some of your plan worked.

Yes, she hated me,

and, yes, I mentioned slavery
by mistake.

I knew I could count on you.

But you also made me her boss,
so I fired her.

She chased me around
for a while,

so I hid in a closet
down on news,

but then Subhas
and Ann Curry came in,

just going to town on ea...

- [gasps] Damn it!
- Is this a game for you two?

I thought you were trying
to help my family.

My family!

I'm not a pawn.

I am a queen.

You all are trash.

And you know what Angie Jordan
does with the trash?

She drags it out to the curb
for pickup.

Angie, I did not mean...

- I will rip your weave out.
- It's not a weave!

- Oh, good God, Angie, no.
- Ow! She pulled my hair out.

I should never have made you
an intern.

- You're a star.
- That's right. I am.

Entertainment
is where untalented people go

to get rich,
and you have all the makings

of a reality superstar...
hair pullingness,

delusions of grandeur,

an insanely short fuse,

- catchphrases...
- It's my way till payday.

That's the t-shirt.

I should give you
your own reality show,

Friday nights...

11:00.

What? That is when TGS
or wrestling is on.

I guess I could reconsider
the time slot

in exchange for your signature.

Ugh.
You know what?

I'm calling your bluff.

You're not giving her
a TV show.

FYI, I am friends
with a hilarious fat girl

and a crazy-eyed,
divorced white lady

who wants to be
in the music business.

Oh, I'd watch that.

- Can D'Fwan be on it?
- Mm-hmm.

With his even gayer boyfriend.

Okay, fine.

Give her her own show,
and I will watch it

on our TV in our house, because
I'm not signing anything.

This is not over.

You think my meth-addict
nephew should be on the show?

Yes, please!

Pete,
you and Paula fight a lot.

No, I-I walked
into a door.

I'm so clumsy.

Jack is using TGS

as leverage in our divorce.

He says he's gonna replace us
with a reality show about Angie.

- Oh, I'd watch that.
- Obviously.

But how do I fight back?

Well, first off,
you can't back down.

If you do that, we get nothing.

I agreed
to go to a furniture store

instead of watching football
one time,

and I haven't seen
a game since.

Oh, I hear ya.
I mean, take Danny...

Please.

Then you got to hit them
where it hurts.

Find their weakness
and viciously exploit it.

That's what marriage is.

Don't even get me started
on marriage.

Thank you.

Kenneth, your Danny
has something to tell you.

What is it, Danny?

Well, sport,
I'm gonna be moving out.

I don't understand.

Well, sometimes two people
who care about each other

just can't live together.

Oh, no, I get that.

What I don't get is this
is Danny's dressing room.

I'm gonna be staying
at the "y."

It's that dark place
under the bleachers

that's shaped like a wishbone.

But you're my Danny and Jenna.

And we'll always be
Danny and Jenna.

We just won't be
Danny and Jenna together.

And don't think

for one second this means
we love you less.

Know that it means that.

Well, tell the board

we are currently in talks...
[Beep]

Hold on, please.

Jonathan, I have asked you not
to call me at home

after 11:00...

Or before.

She what?

[New England accent]
My husband and I

are absolutely so pleased
to be underwriting

the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy
High School for Teen Drama,

the Arts, and Feelings.

- Son of a bitch.
- As embarrassed Americans,

Jack and I pledge $5 million

to create a new generation

of choreographers
and puppeteers,

clunes, video artists,

and theatrical jugglers

who will ask the world,
"what is art?"

We know what art is.

It's paintings of horses!

Good morning.

How is the happy couple today?

Well, it's no surprise
we're sitting here.

You two have always thrown off

that "will they or won't they?" vibe.

And it's been a real hoot
to watch your courtship.

Okeydokey.

Now, when two employees
get married,

it is my job to make sure
that the employee

is not receiving favoritism
from his or her boss.

Favoritism? Really?
He's trying to cancel my show.

Uh-huh, and what about your
little announcement last night?

Do you know how many fires

I had to put out this morning
because of you?

And what was that voice?

It is my imitation
of Drew Barrymore's impression

of that crazy lady.

Let's keep this meeting short.

Our marriage is a technicality,
and it will be remedied.

Also, in order
for there to be favoritism,

we'd have
to actually still be friends.

All righty.
Let's just dive on in.

Does the employee spend
an inordinate amount of time

in the employer's office
compared to other employees?

Well, yes, I suppose,

but only because Miss Lemon
is incapable

of doing anything on her own.

Oh, please, half the time
when I go up there,

it's to help you choose a tie,
and they're all red or blue.

Where I come from,

if you have
more than two colors on a tie,

it means you're looking
for a certain kind of bar.

Are all workday conversations
business-related,

or do personal issues
often dominate discussion,

including but not limited to,
mothers, diarrhea,

having babies,

problems in the bedroom,
neckties,

food issues,

foot disorders,

- having it all...
- Okay.

Yes. In the past,
we have advised each other.

For instance, Jack taught me
not to wear tan slacks

with a tan turtleneck.

I thought it looked nice,
but he rightly pointed out

that it made me
look like a giant condom.

And Lemon is the only one

of my subordinates
who's not afraid to warn me

when I'm being
too authoritative or handsome.

Or when you have eye boogers.

Have you spent time
with each other's families?

Have you attended
special events together,

such as class reunions,

birthday
or holiday celebrations,

weddings,

or extended car trips?

Are you each other's
emergency contacts?

Do you ever drink together
at work,

perhaps while summarizing
what you've learned

over the day or week?

Have you shared
intimate details

of your fears, hopes,
and dreams,

both personal and professional?

Is this the longest and perhaps
most meaningful relationship

in your life?

Do you often find yourselves
thinking the same thing

and then saying it
at the exact same time?

- I apologize, Lemon.
- I'm sorry, Jack.

I never should have tried
to blackmail you.

I'll sign the papers.

And I shouldn't have
threatened your show.

I'll leave that
to the parental decency groups.

And I'll back off on the budget

and the bat mitzvahs.

Okay.

Now we're gonna do
word association.

Foreplay...

We're done, Weinerslav.

Uh, try to walk
like a woman, Lemon.

Your fly's open, Jack.

I'm Angie.

I think elegance and attitude
are the same thing.

And I have IBS.

I'm D'Fwan and I just want to be
accepted for who I am:

a sexual maniac.

And I'm Portia. I don't care
what anyone says.

I keep the 3D glasses.

I'm Randi, with an "i".

My ex-husband's new girlfriend
is cheating on him...With me.

Do you have any meth?
Or meth?

It's my way till payday.

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