All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e10 Christmas Attack Zone.eng

Merry Christmas Eve eve, Jack.

Likewise, Lemon.
Is there any chance

you'll still be around tomorrow?
Sure.

You want to go to
the Penn Station Kmart with me

and then watch Tootsie?

I'm sorry.
That's what you're doing

instead of spending
Christmas Eve with your family?

It's my new thing...
Travel on Christmas day.

That way, I avoid
the annual Lemon family blowup.

And this year
it's gonna be a doozy.

My aunt Linda is bringing
her new boyfriend,

who is neither her age
nor her race.

And her ex-husband
will also be there

with his date, alcoholism.

I swoop in the next day
for presents and pie.

Well, if you're around,
come by for dinner.

Colleen will be up
from Florida,

and, um, she'd love to see you.

Because my youthful energy
makes her feel young?

No, because
she views you as a peer

she can complain with
about how no one

wears pantyhose any longer.

Ah, how are we supposed
to conceal our spider veins?

Bare-legged at Christmas.

Okay, guys, this Kabletown promo
is the last thing we have to do

before the holiday break.

Liz Lemon, I cannot
participate in this promo.

Why?

Because it's not honest.

As an actor,

it is my job to tell the truth,

hold the mirror to humanity,

and sell proactiv.

I will not spout your lies,
Liz Lemon.

And I will not say
merry Christmas from Kabletown.

Ever since Tracy got nominated
for a Golden Globe,

he thinks he's Sean Penn.

Well, they have both had
screaming fights

with Wyclef Jean.

We'll just do this without him.
Merry Christmas, Jenna.

You can say both lines.

Merry Christmas from Kabletown

and all of us at TGS.

I think we got it.

Wait, are... are you okay?

"Tom Ford and Elton John
invite you to New Queer's Eve."

What is this?

NQE is the new year's party.

Everyone dresses up
as a cultural figure

from the past year.

Also replicas of the David
urinate vodka.

Oh, God.

Paul and I were gonna come up

with an amazing
couple's costume.

But now that he's gone,
what's the point?

This party means so much to me.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do without it.

The party or Paul?

The party, Liz.

Good news.

We don't have to do
these promos after all.

NBC says they want them
from every show but us.

Good year, everyone.

Synced and corrected by Arcinboldi
www.addic7ed.com

What Christmas card
did we end up sending out?

Oh...

"Happy holidays

is what terrorists say."

Merry Christmas,
Avery and Jack.

Oh, it's just Liz.

Why do people always say that?

Avery is keeping
her pregnancy a secret at work,

so she's been carrying around
large objects

whenever she's in the building.

I was wondering what was up
with your show last night.

The market rallying today

despite a pullback
in gold stocks.

Anyway, I was gonna bring
dessert tomorrow.

So are there any foods that
are making you nauseous lately?

Please don't say
a half sleeve of oreos.

Oh, I'm not gonna be there.

I'm leaving tonight to spend
Christmas with my family.

Really?

That's why I like dating
older men.

Their parents are usually dead
or senile,

so there's never an argument
about the holidays.

Why aren't you and Colleen
going with her?

Oh, you know,
uh, Colleen is frail,

and Avery is
in her third trimester.

You haven't told Colleen

about the baby yet.
What?

I have been watching
The Mentalist a lot lately,

because my tv's on CBS,
and I lost my remote.

I think I've become
a body-language expert.

For instance, I can now tell

that Jack wants to kill
the person to his right.

Why haven't you told her?

I just haven't found
the right time.

- That is no excuse!!
- (Shrilly) This is so bad!

I cannot have the two of you
on the same side of an argument.

We Donaghys believe that,
when there's something

at all delicate to talk about,

it is best to suppress it

until it erupts into a fistfight
at a church barbecue.

I understand all that, Jack.

The symbol
on the Jessup family crest

is a knight refusing
to talk about his feelings,

but this baby is not bad news.

You don't know Colleen.
We're not married, Avery.

Why should that matter?
I mean, she did the same thing.

I mean, what did Colleen say
when you told her

you knew about your real dad?

You never told her
about Milton either.

I am "The Mentaliz."

You have so many secrets!
That was over a year ago!

- How do you not get hives?
- How could you not tell her?

For the love of God.

Sir, this came for you.

Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.

I've been waiting for this.

Oh, I didn't know you made

another Chunks movie,
Mr. Jordan.

That first one was a classic.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

to celebrate the life
of Althea Chunk.

Damn, that's funky.

Obesity is killing the
african-american community...

With laughter.

Yeah, well, this sequel
is never coming out.

I bought the rights,
so this movie won't be released.

Why wouldn't you want people
to see your movie?

It looks so funny.

That's the problem, Ken.

It's 67 minutes of me
acting like a hilarious fool.

If this movie comes out
before the Golden Globes,

it'll ruin my new image.

Mr. Jordan, I thought
you loved acting like a fool.

No, I don't.

I'm lying.

My favorite thing in the world
is making people laugh.

But I can't now.

I had to go
on Charlie Rose, Kenneth,

Charlie Rose!

- Oh, that's horrible.
- I have no choice!

I got to stay serious.

From now on, the only movies
Tracy Jordan makes

are about the holocaust,
Georgia O'Keeffe, or both.

I didn't care much
for the gazpacho soup.

I mean, where's the fun
of sending it back

because it isn't hot?

Mother.

Yes.

Avery and I are having a baby.

I see.

May I remind you
this is good news.

This is a disgrace!

What are my chums at the
death shore retirement community

gonna say...

When I tell them
that my unmarried son

has knocked up a protestant?

Oh, I knew you would do this...

Take a happy moment
and ruin it,

just like you did
when I won that scholarship

at my high-school graduation.

It should have gone
to the other boy!

This is the reason I waited
seven months to tell you.

You kept this
from your own mother?

Oh, oh, Colleen,
don't talk to me about secrets.

I know some things you've done
that you would not want me

to bring up right now.

Most people thought
I was a hero

for killing Lydia's parrot.

I'm going upstairs now

and think about more comments

for tomorrow.

This isn't over!

Jack.

Guess what. They just got
caller I.D. in Vermont.

Milton, I hope you don't have
plans for tomorrow.

I'm having
a little Christmas dinner,

and I want you
to be my guest of honor.

Well, it is a little sudden,

but, yes, I'd love to come
to your holiday dinner.

Christmas.
It's Christmas dinner.

Hey, Rick, can you cover
section three for me?

I'm in the weeds.
Oh, Liz.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were a transvestite.

Paul, I need
to talk to you about Jenna.

Oh.
How is she?

Honestly, I don't think
I've seen her this upset

since hurricane Katrina.

The coverage preempted
a tampon commercial she was in.

- Oh.
- And she keeps trying

to pretend it's just
about some new year's party,

but I think she misses you.

Look, I-I miss her too,
but it's over between us now.

I-I don't even think
about Jenna anymore.

I don't think about kissing her
or laughing with her

or photographing her
with just salamanders

covering her nipples.

When it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.

You can't be on the floor

without
your roller skates, Rick.

I'm not Rick.

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Sorry. I finished the oreos
in the cab.

I'm glad
you could make it, Lemon.

Welcome
to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Your what?
What does that mean?

Professor Milton Greene

is on his way here
from Penn Station.

Milton, your father,
is coming here?

Please tell me that Colleen...

Has no idea.

The father that she hid
from me for 50 years,

the man
that she doesn't even know

I know exists,
is joining us for supper.

Uh, red or white?

White.
Jack, what are you doing?

You promised me
a drama-free dinner.

I could be sitting
at the corner table

at the Kmart Cafe right now.

Oh, that must be dad.

Wait, does Milton know
that Colleen is here?

No. I want it all
to be fresh.

Will he erupt with anger
over her years of secrecy?

Who knows?
Milton's a hippie pacifist.

But I once saw Colleen provoke
a Buddhist monk

into whipping a battery at her.

My boy.

Oh, Jack, this is going to be

the best winter's Eve
light festival ever.

Liz!

Ana happy
whatever you believe in too.

No.
I am not letting this happen.

Milton, Jack has an ulterior
motive for bringing you here.

Yes. It's true.

You're going
to be a grandfather.

Oh, what a blessing!
Oh, life is beautiful.

"Joy, beautiful spark
of the gods,

daughter of Elysium."

And, Liz,
you're already showing.

No, it's not me, a that
is not what he has to tell you.

Colleen is here,

and Jack is using you
to ambush her.

- Why would you do that?
- I'll tell you why...

Because when my mother found out
about your granddaughter...

It's a girl!
She'll be intuitive.

Colleen did not see it
as a blessing.

She saw it as an embarrassment,

because my girlfriend Avery
and I are not married.

An embarrassment?
She has no right to judge you.

She needs to read my new book,

there's no wrong way
to make a family.

That's for you.

I agree with you, Milton,
but Colleen disapproves.

Well, that's awfully
hypocritical for a woman

who kept her son a secret

from his own father.

I'm gonna give her
a piece of my mind tonight.

Oh, great, Avery's here,
and she looks mad.

Jack, I got your message.

How dare Colleen
disapprove of me,

of us?
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for my message
to make you angry

and have you come
all the way back here.

Now there are three people here
that are mad at Colleen.

Wait, this is Avery?

How could that woman not adore

such a beautiful
daughter-in-law?

- Oh.
- By the way, we have

a tradition in my family

where we let the child
name itself.

Oh, yeah,
that's hippie nonsense.

Absolutely not.

Well, suit yourself,
but my son Spider-Man

turned out just fine.

Okay, this is disgusting.

It is Christmas.
You are not going to ambush

an old woman for the mistakes
that she has made.

I mean,
who hasn't made mistakes?

I once french-kissed a dog
at a party

to try to impress
what turned out to be

a very tall 12-year-old.

Lemon, we all know
what mistakes are.

I'm going to tell Colleen
what's happening

while you all calm down.

Where's her room?

Don't worry..
I sent her to the east wing.

It's very confusing.
It was designed by M.C. Escher.

These stairs are weird.

Mother.

Dinner is ready.

What are you doing here, sir?

I wasn't setting this up because
I'm spending Christmas at work.

I certainly wasn't going
to pretend those trash cans

were my parents.

I'm here picking up
a serious outfit

from wardrobe
for my event later.

All the big actors do
charity work on Christmas Eve.

Russell Crowe
is having an auction

to benefit the victims
of his own mood swings.

So what are you doing, sir?

Screening my very sad movie
Hard to Watch

at a women's shelter.

It's gonna be real depressing.

I hate seeing you
like this, sir.

And you ruined Ludachristmas.

In the Darfur region,
the dead may be the lucky ones.

Next slide.

What else can I do, Kenneth?

People only take you seriously
if you're serious.

But comedy is just
as important as drama.

People need to laugh,

especially
in these tough times.

And after all, isn't laughter
the best medicine?

Except for Insulin,
spironolactone, and bupropion,

which I have for you
whenever you're ready, sir.

- Mother, you look lovely.
- I see you brought the bag

that my bastard grandchild
will come in.

Merry Christmas,
Mrs. Donaghy.

My gift to you is the feeling
of superiority you'll have

for the next two seconds.
Is she drunk, Jack?

Because, you know,
when you're pregnant,

one bottle of wine a day,
and that's it.

Mother, you must remember
Milton Greene,

my father
and your shameful sex secret.

Why would you bring him here?

Oh, I see.

Trying to make me look
like the bad guy, is that it?

You are the bad guy.

You kept me from my son
for 50 years.

You didn't miss much.

He's a good boy.
He got me a kidney...

From Elvis Costello.

All that time lost
because of you and your pride.

And think of what I've lost.

Going on father-and-son
habitat for humanity builds

and road trips
in my V.W. van.

Yeah, or other things.

And then you dare to judge us
and our life decisions?

Who do you think you are?

God, this house is enormous.

Oh, hi, Colleen.
I tried to stop this.

Well, mother, what do you have
to say for yourself?

It's speechless.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas one and all.

Jenna, this dinner
is a disaster.

My life is ruined.

I just came up with
the perfect couple's costume

for new queer's Eve,

and I can't use it
because of stupid Paul.

You know what?

The reason I'm not
with my family right now

is because I didn't want
any drama,

and that's all I'm getting,

first from these "jagwagons"
and now you.

Paul is the reason
you're upset.

It's not about this party.
It's about the party.

I want to eat shrimp
off an old gay

dressed as baby new year.

Ugh.

Hi, Colleen.

- Hmm.
- Are you all right?

Just thinking
about my next move.

No, no.
What next move?

This thing hasn't even started.

Welcome
to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Ladies
of the battered women's shelter,

please be quiet,
a man is talking.

You're about to watch a film
that holds a mirror

up to your own terrible lives.

You're gonna see poverty,
drug abuse,

and a bunch of babies having
a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Comedy is just as important...
'Portant...'Portant...

Laughter is the best medicine...
Medicine...Medicine...

Damn it. I can't get Kenneth
out of my head.

Actually,
he's behind you, tray.

He rode over here with us.

You talked to him
the whole ride.

Well, he's right.

People do need to laugh,
and I'm the medicine.

What are you doing?

Something I should have done
a long time ago.

A long time ago?
You just got here.

Shut up, dotcom.

Ladies and children,

I give you The Chunks 2:
A very chunky Christmas.

Lights.

Damn Christmas lights blew a...

Aah!

Well, this has turned out to be

the opposite of what I wanted,

and I'm gonna leave
before anything else happens.

So...
Oh, my God.

My arm is numb.

What are you doing now, mother?

I think the stress...

Don't go to her.

Do you have
shortness of breath?

Are you sweating?
Do you have a neck or jaw pain?

I had a couple of rich men
die on top of me.

It's like something...
Like my son

sitting on my chest.

We should call an ambulance.

We are not calling anyone.

What's the matter with you?
Your mother's not well.

Can't you see
that she's faking, Milton?

There.
Did anybody see that?

We have to call an ambulance.

Listen to me, damn it.
I'm a doctor.

Of history.

In what emergency
would you be necessary...

If someone wanted to know

whether the '60s
were awesome or not?

- They were.
- You hang in there.

You need to meet our daughter,
little Colleen.

Seems like people are

back on my side, Jackie.

Paul, my ex-lover.

Listen, I-I'm not here because
I want to get back together.

Good.
Me neither.

Can I get you a cup of coffee

or an absinthe enema?

No, thank you.
I can't stay.

I just wanted to let you know

that I had an amazing idea
for a couple's costume.

Well, so did I.

What's yours?

Well, maybe we should
just say them at the same time

and see what happens.

- You dress as Natalie Portman
- I dress as Natalie Portman

from the movie Black Swan,

- and you dress
- and I dress

as former Pittsburgh Steelers

Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania
Gubernatorial Nominee

Lynn Swann.

We're two black swans.

Well, it is
a druid solstice miracle

that it wasn't a heart attack.

Yes, I do believe
a heart is required.

That is enough, Jack.

What happened tonight
was so scary,

and the reason that it happened

is that we were not being honest
with each other.

So from now on,
no more secrets.

Okay.
I'll go first.

I have a crush
on the mentalist.

Just family only,
Lemon, damn it.

There is one more secret

Jack and I have been keeping
from all of you.

We were planning to elope
in the Caribbean

over new year's,
but now we want you all to come.

Oh!
How wonderful.

You know
what I learned tonight?

As hard as you try,

no one can escape
the horror of Christmas,

so it might as well be
with your own family.

I'm gonna go get a bus
to white haven now,

and I should be home
just in time

for aunt Linda to try
to prove that she's sober

by holding someone's baby
while cooking.

Listen, Jackie,
everything I've ever done

in life has been
to protect you.

I know.

And if I got upset earlier,

it's because I want your life
to be perfect...

Unlike mine.

Don't let him
off the hook, Colleen.

What he did tonight was wrong,
and he owes you an apology.

He's right.
I almost died.

And using your father like that
is so disrespectful.

He's a doctor, for God sakes.

Your mother and I are
very disappointed in you, Jack.

What are you smiling at,
you fruitcake?

Just my mom and dad
yelling at me together.

Milton, the Clinton boom years

were just an after-effect
of reaganomics,

and, mother,
you cannot invite anyone

to the wedding.
What happened

to the heart attack?
Let me tell you something.

You insult
your own intelligence.

I'll invite anybody I want
to this wedding,

to this wedding
or any other wedding.

You are a war criminal.
I hate to say it.

And I hope everybody,

everybody have
a merry Christmas.

And somebody needs
to clean this table up.

It's disgusting.

Fred, wake up.
Merry Christmas from The Chunks.

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