All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e09 Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish.eng

It was opportunity knocking.

No one knocked.
You just barged in.

- Knock knock.
- You were right, Donald.

It makes more sense
for you to enter first.

It's okay, daddy.
We'll just start over.

Uh, you know,
why don't we just dive in

to whatever this is?

Okay, you remember Donald,

my son who's two years older
than me.

Ah, yes, please.

As I recall, you own
the Tracy Jordan institute

for black karate.

You wouldn't believe this,

but that business failed.

I blame Obama.

But the good news is,

Donald has
a brand-new venture.

Sell him, son.

It's a theme restaurant
in Times Square.

Well, the theme restaurant
business model does work.

Nascar's fat load cafe
is a gold mine.

Well, we got a bunch of capital

from Brown and Folderson.

And we wanted to get you a seat
on this rocket

before it takes off.

So it's decided.
Jack's on board as an investor.

Ah, not so fast.

So...it's...decid...

Uh, let's just bottom-line
this thing.

I never invest without doing
my research.

I'll do a site visit tonight
and kick the tires.

All right, but if some other
investor comes along,

it's your loss.

A Mexican billionaire's
calling me right now.

Excuse me.

Senior Mexico, uh, si si.
Yo soy Donald, si.

Andale andale?
Arriba arriba?

What is senior Mexico saying?

Stop keeping me out
of the loop!

[Exciting jazz music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Jenna,
I need to go over...

Gah!

- Snuh!
- What is it, Liz? We're busy.

Jenna and I are mirroring

until we achieve
touchless orgasm.

And...Finished.

- Agh.
- Well, I have to go to work.

My new manager
is making us wear nametags.

I might as well be working

at a roller-skating drag queen
restaurant

under Taliban rule.

But after your shift,

we still have
our special night, right?

You have no idea how special.

Ugh.

Oh. We're celebrating
our six-month anniversary

and I think Paul is going
to pop the question.

Really? That's a little fast,
isn't it?

I will say yes
when Paul proposes...

That we make a sex tape
and leak it on the Internet.

Oh, I thought
you meant marriage.

God, no.
Marriage is like death.

You settle into a routine.
You lose all the spark.

I don't know.

I always thought
the whole point

of being with someone
for a long time

is to get to the comfortable
routine part.

No. Relationships
are like sharks, Liz.

If you're not left
with several bite marks

after intercourse,
then something's wrong.

Well, nothing's wrong
with me and Carol.

I mean, we haven't spoken
in five days,

but that doesn't mean anything
because we are not sharks.

We are legless turtles
rotting on the beach.

Jack, what makes a guy get bored
in a dating situation?

That's an excellent question.

The answer is
questions like that.

Look, this long distance
is hard.

And now Carol and I
haven't talked

in, like, five days

and my other stuff
is still unresolved.

I get it, Lemon.
You need to see a therapist.

Someone you can dump
your problems on

and then get on
with your, uh, "life."

Ugh. I'm trying. I just can't
find someone I like.

I mean, have you ever been
to a shrink?

No. I believe
that when you have a problem,

you talk it over
with your priest,

or your tailor,
or the mute elevator porter

at your men's club.

Then you take that problem
and crush it

with your mind vice.

But for lesser beings
like curly-haired men

and people who need glasses,

therapy can help.

And, Lemon, I want you
to get better

because... and I mean this...

I'm tired of talking this much
to a woman

I'm not having sex with.

Hey, Jack.
Welcome to Staples.

Why did you choose that name?

Because staples
means "the basics."

And that's
what you're getting here.

Food, drinks, fun. Staples.
Yeah, we got that.

Staples is also a giant
office supply chain.

Well, we'll see who's still
in business 200 years from now.

Come on.

Donald, I'm going
to pick a problem at random.

Is the theme of your restaurant
"not enough tables"?

No. We just need
a lot of room

for the monster fight.

Excuse me?

Jack, are you familiar

with the megarestaurant
medieval times?

Well, I took that model
and replaced the knights

with unlicensed versions
of Japanese monsters.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there's been an underwater
nuclear explosion.

A beast has been awakened.

It approaches
with fearsome steps.

Boom boom boom.

Are we paying the price
for our hubris of science?

Witness the primeval might
that is godzila with one "l"

for trademark reasons.

Oh, no one is safe!

Who all is going to protect us?

It's mechagodzila.

Boom boom boom.

Thank you for choosing staples.

Ah! Donald,
George punched my crotch.

You liked it.

Oh, my God.

[Knocks at door]
Captain Burnett

called earlier, miss Lemon.

Finally.
Not that it matters.

We're turtles.

He said he doesn't
have cell phone service

'cause he's on layover
in Daytona Beach.

But don't worry, he's fine
and having a great time

with his flight crew.

Uh, Stewart, Brenda,
Amber, Crystal.

Also in the background,
I heard lady giggles

and the sound
of a beautiful sunset.

See, this is why I need
to find someone to talk to.

- Talk to about what?
- Men. Trust.

I mean, I just feel like
sometimes men

aren't totally honest with me.

Hmm. Go on.

Well, for starters,

everyone I ever dated
in high school

turned out to be either gay

or a girl dressed as a guy

to get a journalism
scholarship.

My own dad tried to secretly
cheat on my mom.

And I thought their marriage
was perfect.

Then, of course,
there's Santa Claus.

Okay. Talk about that.

When I was seven,

I asked for a CB radio
for Christmas

so I could track gas prices
around the state

for a cool chart
that I was making.

We'll get back to that later.

When I didn't get it,

my dad blamed Santa Claus.

Well, Santa made an enemy
that day.

And the next year
when he returned

to the Schuylkill galleria,
so did vengeance.

Ho ho ho. What can Santa
bring you this year?

What does it matter?

You didn't bring me
what I asked for last year,

you fat fraud.

You're a bigger disappointment
than our current president

Jimmy Carter.

I am a fraud, little boy.

[Gasps]

My wife still thinks
I work at the bank.

I guess Santa Claus
was the first man

to ever betray me.

That must've been difficult.

It was.

But it feels good
to talk about it.

Thanks.

Miss Lemon,

there's a reason
God gave us two ears

and only one mouth.

Listening is twice as important
as talking.

But he gave us ten fingers.

He must really want us
to poke things.

- Oh.
- Poke poke poke poke.

[Exhales]

Oh. It's the vacant lot

where we had our first
face kiss.

Who stole my canteen?

Jenna, what we have
is so beautiful.

People need to see how happy
we make each other.

And I think we're ready
to take that step.

So over Christmas,
I want you to come to Ohio

and meet my parents.

- What?
- Happy anniversary.

Hey, get a room!
Whatever that is.

Well, Tracy, I went
to the restaurant last night.

That place is a disaster.

Damn it, you think
I don't know that?

I've poured more cash
into Donald's restaurant

than my money pit
in Connecticut.

You have a house
in Connecticut?

No, I do not.

Jack, I need other investors
besides me.

What? You're the only one
bankrolling this?

What about Brown and Folderson?

That's what I call my wallet.

I've bankrolled every one
of Donald's dumb ideas.

But what choice do I have?
I'm his father.

But you're doing him no favors

as a business partner
or a father.

You need to cut him off.

Come on.
The boy's only 43 years old.

Tracy, listen to me,

not everyone is cut out
to be a businessman.

For example, curly-haired men
and people who need glasses.

But I can't crush his dreams.

You're not.
You're just letting him fly

with his own wings.

I bankrolled that too.

Thank God we tested it
with a monkey first.

Oh, miss Lemon,
I'm signing people up

for the TGS softball team.

So far I have eight nos

and 25 shove it up
your goon-holes.

- Shove it up your goon-hole.
- Okay.

You know, ever since we had
our little talk yesterday,

I've been doing some thinking.

Oh, good.

If I remember correctly,

we were discussing men
and trust.

Yeah. And it got me thinking
about my aunt Linda.

- What was she like?
- Great until she got divorced.

My Uncle Harry
was cheating on her.

Another male betrayal.
Go with that.

My parents used to make me go
to Linda's house

just so she'd have company.

I hated those visits.

Your uncle never liked
my cooking.

But you do, right, Elizabeth?

You love your aunt Linda.

Here's a fun game:

Put on Harry's cologne

and give me a backrub
in the bath.

[Laughs]

[Cries]

To this day, whenever I hear
someone's getting divorced,

I can still taste that egg
and I...

Oh, my God.

My trust issues
and my food issues

are connected.

Uncle Harold is the reason

eggs make me gag.

Kenneth,
you're the perfect therapist.

I can dump
all of my problems on you,

walk away, and move on
with my life.

It's a win-win.

Why did she have
to say "Harold"?

Liz.

Last night was a disaster.

And not the good kind

where I get to sing
at a benefit.

What happened?

Paul's idea
of moving things forward

is me meeting his parents.

He said they live
in a "soo-borb."

Suburb. Come on, Jenna.

It's not what you wanted,
but it's progress.

In the wrong direction.

I think I know
what's really going on

between you and Paul.

You're in love

and it's terrifying to you.

You're trying to sabotage it.

Sabotage?

I'm the one trying to make
this relationship work.

Which is why I'm gonna have
to be the one

to propose the sex tape.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I think
that's the man's job.

Jack, I found a therapist
and I've made

some big breakthroughs.

I know you don't know
what this means,

but I'm eating eggs again.

I know it means
this conversation is disgusting.

[Laughs]

Okay, Donald is on his way up.

I know cutting him off is hard,

but it's your duty
as a parent...

[laughs]

Tracy, do not laugh
at the word "duty."

Be strong. Be rational.
[Inhales] No emotion.

- Unemotional. Got it.
- Daddy, what's going on?

[Crying] I just love you
so much!

I love you too, daddy.

[Both bawling]

Okay, stop it.

Donald, what Tracy
is trying to tell you

is that you're an adult

and he will no longer
support you financially.

Is that true, daddy?

For the love of God,
stop calling him "daddy."

It is true, little man.

But I need you
to be a big boy on this.

You're just not meant
to be a businessman.

Fine. I'll be okay.

I got other ideas.

Like a microbrewery
that also serves frozen yogurt.

I'm gonna call it
"Microsoft."

I have this recurring dream.

Actually, is it recurring
if you wake yourself up

with a [snorts]
and then return to it?

Anyway, in the dream,
I'm a baby.

[Voice echoing]

I think it has to do
with my issues with sex.

Lemon, what are you doing?
Is Kenneth your therapist?

- Well, kind of.
- He can't handle that.

Look at his head shape.
He has no brain pan!

It's fine, Mr. Donaghy.
I'm okay.

[High-pitched voice]
And so am I. I'm Cheryl.

This is exactly why I told you
to see a professional.

You dump your problems
on some half-baked Barney fife

and you can start
a chain reaction

of mental anguish.

Look what you've done to him.

But he's such a good listener
and he takes my insurance.

I'm going to help you.
Lie down.

Put your mental burden
in my mind vice

and I will crush it.

Kenneth, who is Harold?

He...Was a role model
of mine growing up.

[Whispers]
Please let Harold be human.

Harold was a pig.

You see, my father passed
when I was just a young boy.

After that, I was alone a lot
and awful sad.

But that pig saved me.

In some ways,

Harold was the only thing I had

that was like a father.

You had a void to fill.

Continue.

Then one day,

my mama told me
we had to sell him.

I knew what that meant.

Harold was off
to the slaughterhouse.

- I know it's difficult...
- I'm not done, sir.

It gets worse.

With Harold gone,

there was nothing keeping me
at home.

It was time for me to move
to New York

and follow my dreams.

But I needed $300

for the river ferry-
train-ox cart-train-bus ticket.

And that's when I saw the sign.

I knew I could win
that contest.

Heck, I'd once eaten
an entire witch.

A pig was nothing.

And then they brought me mine.

I would have recognized
those eyes anywhere.

- Kenneth, no.
- It was Harold.

And I ate all of him.
Even the face in case of a tie.

- Good God!
- I ate him, sir!

I ate my father pig!

[Whimpers and squeals]

Okay! Or you gave
his death meaning.

His sacrifice made you
what you are today,

which is the lowest-level
employee

at the last-place network
in America.

I guess that is true.
Thank you, sir.

I'll think on that.

And you're sure you're okay
hearing about all my problems?

Of course, I'm Jack Donaghy.

[Exhales]

Oh, no. Crush it.

Oh, God, here comes
my childhood!

[Cries]

I'm in here, Paul!

The restaurant was crazy today.

During nude hour, I got custard

all over my penis.

What's going on in here?

You want to take this
to the next level?

Let's videotape our lovemaking,

pretend the tape got stolen,
and let the whole world see.

Wow.
I don't know, Jenna.

- I'm pretty beat.
- I see.

Fine. I guess we're just done
having any adventure

or excitement in our lives.

God. Well, jeez, I'm sorry
that I'm happy

with the way things are.

Come on, why can't we just
paint each other's toenails,

watch vintage pornography,

and then go to bed in our swing
like a normal couple?

Because it's boring.

We might as well be married...

Okay, this isn't about us
being adventurous.

This is about you being afraid
to settle down with me.

- That's not true.
- Fine. Let's do this tape.

But then what?
What will you want next?

Well, there's a sex resort
in Japan

where white people
are treated like slaves.

No, Jenna!

You're making it impossible

to live up
to your expectations.

What are you saying?

I'm saying adopting a dog

so it can watch us make love

and then returning it
claiming that it bit

our imaginary child
is everything that I need.

But if that's really not enough
for you,

tell me now.

- I'm sorry.
- Very well.

I'm not going to beg you.
I have my dignity.

I trust you to fairly divide up
our panties.

I'll come get them tomorrow
while you're at work.

Oh, miss Lemon,
I have another message

from Captain Burnett.

Please don't get sad,
and remember things,

and infect me again.

Kenneth, it's okay.

I'm not worried
about Carol anymore.

I'm just sorry I messed you up
like that.

Don't worry. I had my brain
cleaned by Mr. Donaghy.

Oh, I told him everything.
How Harold was...

No, no!
Don't tell me your story!

I can't handle it.
Look how small my head is.

Oh, my! So tiny.

Daddy, I wanted to give you
your share of our profits

before I shut down my dream.

Someone left it in coat check.

Tracy, listen to me.
I was wrong.

Don't turn your back on Donald.

Too late.
Look how we're positioned.

Kenneth told me
a story earlier...

a story about fathers and sons.

And despite my best effort,

it unearthed a memory
from my own childhood.

As a boy, I wanted to be
an astronaut,

or a deep-sea diver,
a man of science.

But I was raised
by Jimmy Donaghy,

a man who projected his own
failed dreams

on to his family.

When I was in third grade,

my class put on a science play.

The night before,
Jimmy came home drunk

and found me rehearsing
my lines.

I was struggling
with the science terms.

And Jimmy laughed and said
"well, looky here.

"Dr. Jack. The boy wants
to be a scientist.

"Chowderhead
can't even say the words!

You'll never be nothing!"

The next day,
I was up on that stage.

I looked out at the audience,
I saw Jimmy, and I froze.

I am a protoin.
Protein!

All living orgasms...
I mean orgasms.

Chowderhead
can't even say the words.

When I got home,
I threw away my microscope,

my shell collection,
my map of the stars.

[Coughs] Nerd.

A parent is the one person
who is supposed

to make their kid think
they can do anything.

Says they're beautiful
even when they're ugly.

Thinks they're smart even when
they go to Arizona state.

Let the rest of the world
tear your kid down.

Your job is to support him
no matter what.

Tracy believes you, Donald.
Go and make him proud.

That's a nice, long speech
and all,

but your daddy was right.

You couldn't be a scientist.

You could even be protein
in a school play.

And I can't run a business.
I'm a failure.

I...

Am a protein!

All living organisms
need me to function.

A basic building block
of the human body.

I'm made from amino acids
found in ribosomes.

Proteins give energy
to everything

from flowers and butterflies

to heroes who turn in
communists.

I am a protein.

Daddy, can I have $50,000
to start a business

where people can call in
and get air quality reports

from all across
the United States?

- I'm gonna call it...
- Donald, no.

- American airlines.
- And it's going to work, son!

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

This is what happens
when you work at being happy.

Godzilla sits next to you
while you're eating

an egg salad sandwich.

- What a world.
- What's the point?

I moved here to make it
to Broadway.

Now look at me.
I'm pathetic.

I've got no real skills.
A degree in theater tech.

So you move back
to Pennsylvania.

Live with your parents.

All of your old friends
have kids and careers.

And what do you have?

Maybe your name on a TV show

that no one will even remember.

I should've moved to Cleveland
with that guy

when I had the chance.

Damn you, Gojira!

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