All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e06 Gentleman Intermission.eng

I know I'm jumping
the gun a bit,

but I had this made
for the baby at hermes.

So she can ride the maid!

It is adorable.

Uh, but are we still in love
with the name "Charlotte"?

I think so.
Why do you ask?

Charlotte?

Are you serious?

Lemon went to middle school
with a Charlotte

who used to rub herself
against a tree during recess.

I want to know
why you would tell Lemon

something so personal.

I know that my relationship
with Lemon may seem strange,

but I am her mentor.

And the Donaghy mentoring
experience is immersive.

There need to be boundaries.

That woman is your employee.

No, she's more than that.

I don't choose
my mentees lightly.

They have to have
the drive and ambition

to be worth my time,

the intelligence to understand

the challenges
they're going to face,

the humility to accept my help,

and finally,

a life that is a bottomless
swamp of chaos.

Drive, intelligence,
humility, chaos...

or the acronym "dihc."

I'm looking for dihc, Avery.

And I'm gonna take it
wherever I can find it.

It's been four years, Jack.

Maybe it's time
for Liz to graduate.

Maybe it's time for you
to carry this baby.

Maybe you and Liz can raise it.

Oh, no.

Crazy hormone swing.

Why does everything
smell like onions?

Lemon.
Boundaries.

Got it.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

In here, you can see
one of NBC's editing bays.

Tracy Jordan,
the star of TGS

and numerous films, has died.

No!
No, it can't be!

I'm not done with him, Jacob!

He stays on this side!

Kenneth, Tracy's not dead.

Nbc news makes obituaries
for celebrities

to have them ready.

They're just updating Tracy's

to include his recent
submarine d.U.I.

Oh, thank goodness.

Say, do you think I could
get a copy of that

to show Mr. Jordan?

That way, he can see
his own funeral,

just like Tom Sawyer!

Well, Tom was a fellow
from my town

we accidentally buried alive.

Funny story,
after we dug him back up,

he tried to kill all of us.

- Hello?
- Hey, Liz.

It's your father.
Dick Lemon.

Dad, you don't have to say
your name every time.

Telephone etiquette
is important, Liz.

It lets people know your race
even when they can't see you.

Anyway, got a busy week?

Not really,
I was gonna take this class

called "cooking for one,"

but the teacher killed himself.

Well, what about a visit?

Really?
That would be great.

With you and mom here,
the doormen will have

to eat their words about me
never having friends over.

Well, it'll just be me
this time, Elizabeth.

Your mother isn't coming.

What? You and mom
always travel together.

Well, she's not
coming this time.

I just want to have
a little fun by myself.

Can't a guy have a little fun?

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

Your mother's home.

This conversation
never happened.

What? What?

I am a Jedi!

Tracy Jordan,
star of the fat bitch movies,

was also voted "worst
representation of a black man"

nine years in a row.

Perhaps best known
for his fcc fines...

And thank God
I didn't [bleep] anybody,

and thank God
I [bleep] my [bleep].

And giving the queen parvo.

This is terrible!

When I'm dead,
that's what I leave behind?

That's how my grandkids
will remember me

as they fly around
in their jetpacks?

Well, it's not fair
out of context.

Her highness
was sending signals.

It doesn't matter.
That's how the world sees me...

as some idiot millionaire.

Who, mark Cuban?

That guy ran me over
with a jet ski.

What is he so upset about?

It's my fault.

I let Mr. Jordan
see his obituary.

He's dying?

Fine, I'll sing at his funeral.

No, ma'am.

Nbc news makes celebrity
obituaries ahead of time.

Typical liberal media.

They do?
Well, then I need to see mine.

If they used any of the footage
from my shoplifting arrest,

that would be great because
my arms looked fantastic.

Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?

My dad just called, and...

Lemon, uh, I'm sorry.

If this is about
a personal matter,

we can't discuss it.

- What? Why?
- It's Avery.

She's going
to be my wife someday,

and understandably,
the nature of our relationship

is a little confusing to her.

Oh, she feels threatened.

It must be my "sesuality,"

because I am
so very "sesual."

You like that?

And maybe Avery is a little
emotional these days.

She's put on considerable
boob weight.

She's not used to that,
and sometimes she

just falls over.

It's stressful.

But she might have
a point about us.

Maybe it isn't appropriate
for you to still come to me

with every little
problem in your life.

Oh. Okay.

Great. Fine.

I'll solve my own problems.

Blammo. Solved it.

What do you mean,
I don't have an obituary?

I'm Jenna Maroney.

I played arts and literature

in the film adaptation
of trivial pursuit.

I know who you are,
miss Maroney,

but you're not on the list.

They only make obits
for people they think are,

you know, important.

Like who?

Kim Jong-il?

I never heard of her.

I should be on here.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Jonathan,
I may be in the market

for a new young person
to mentor.

Oh, my God.

Sir, I have dreamed
of this moment...

but my fear is that you don't
have enough ambition.

The drive to deserve
my mentorship.

No, sir, there is nothing
in the world

that I wouldn't do for you.

My attorney is waiting
in his office.

He will present you
with a contract to be my mentee

if you bring him...

My pinky.

No, sir.

Then you wouldn't
be perfect anymore.

- I won't do it.
- Exactly.

I knew that you wouldn't.

No, no, watch!

I'll cut off my pinky
and tell him it's yours.

Jonathan.

Ambition is the willingness
to kill the things you love

and eat them
in order to stay alive.

Haven't you ever read
my throw pillow?

- Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart!

Mwah!

Where are your glasses?

And what's with that shirt?

I don't need my glasses,

and this is
an Edward Hardy shirt.

A very hip Latino-sounding
blur at Mervyn's

said I looked good in it.

Dad, what are you doing?

You're traveling alone,

you show up here looking like
you've been on spring break

for 300 years,

and earlier, mom called
and told me to give you a hug

before your colonoscopy.

- Uh-oh.

Dad, look at me.
What is going on?

Honey, there's no easy way
to say it.

Your mother and I
are taking a little break.

A break?
After 45 years?

Honey, it's complicated.
We're having problems.

Really, does mom know
you're having problems?

'Cause she thinks
you're at the doctor.

Your mother and I
don't laugh like we used to.

I don't know what happened.

Where has my best friend gone?

Ugh!
What are you talking about?

You're just pretending
like there's some big problem

so you can come up here
and, what, try to pick up women?

You think they won't notice
that you're 80

because you took
your glasses off?

I will not be spoken to
this way, young lady.

You know what,
you're not staying here

during your little time-out.

Your
"gentleman's intermission."

Go to a hotel.

Or better yet, go home to mom.

Fine.
I don't need you.

I'm meeting up
with my old army buddy Gary.

Tonight,
we're doing a push-up,

and tomorrow, we're going
to a bar called "Swingles."

Gary's wife just died
a couple of days ago,

and he hasn't returned
the hospital bed yet,

so I can sleep there!

Now, where's the door?

I'm not telling!

Cold.

Colder.
It's...

ha ha!

Hello?

Hey, girl!

What do you want, Liz?

Look, I know
I shouldn't be calling,

but my dad is in town,

taking a break
from being married.

It's a
gentleman's intermission.

And you want to talk
about this with your boss?

Well, when you put it
like that...

with the mean voice and all...

good night, Liz.

What's wrong, tray?

Why are you sitting
in your sadness spotlight?

I seen my nbc news obituary,
Jackie d.

I look like a fool in it.

Well, certainly
you can't be surprised

that there's a lot of negative
stuff about you out there.

Don't you ever Google yourself?

Sure, I Google myself
all the time.

Like when Angie's
not in the mood,

or I'm alone in the hotel.

Uh, Tracy, you do know
that googling yourself

means looking yourself up
on the Internet.

I did not know that.

That explains why Liz Lemon
was so cool the other day.

Liz Lemon, you mind if I
Google myself in your office?

- Sure, Tracy.
- Can I use your computer?

How else are you gonna do it?

Tracy, you are someone
with a lot of problems,

who needs constant guidance.

And don't forget,
I never listen.

If you're open to it,
I'm very good at giving advice.

For example,
with your obit problem.

Now, you've spent years creating
a certain public image.

But you can change that.

You just have to do
what prince hal did.

Who's prince hal?

From Henry iv.

You played him
in central park last summer.

I don't know any of my lines!

Everyone thought prince hal
was a drunken wastrel.

But when he became king,

he transformed himself
into a wise and just ruler.

He changed the headline.

That's what
you have to do, Tracy.

You know something, Jackie d.?

That thing I said earlier about
prince hal got me thinking.

I have to change my headline.

Yes, that's what I just said.

Now, if I can help you...

No, no, no, Jackie D.

I don't need your help.
I'm Tracy Jordan.

When I go to sleep,
nothing happens in the world.

He failed the test of humility.

I cannot be his mentor.

Well, I'd love for you
to be my mentor, sir.

But unfortunately,
I already have one.

Stop calling me!

Okay, what would Jack
tell me to do?

First, he would
probably explain

that evolution
makes men promiscuous,

even when they're 80,
like my pathetic dad.

Is your dad pathetic,

or is he maybe,
on some level, admirable?

Maybe his sons would
respect him more as a man.

Maybe they'd stop calling him
a "bald wang"

in front of the babysitter.

I mean, can you imagine
Dick Lemon at a singles bar?

It makes me want to barf.

Ugh, those old men that hit
on you at clubs are so lame.

Lame?
Or... or is it heroic?

Why can't they see
how idiotic they look?

With guys like that,
I always just say,

"who's younger...
me or your daughter?"

That usually creeps them out
enough that they leave.

That wouldn't work on me.

Jack.

Why does Tracy have a news obit
and I don't?

Huh.

I never thought of you

for the Donaghy
mentoring experience,

but you are an unceasing
onslaught of dysfunction.

Dr. Drew called me
"unfixab."

Let's think this through.

You don't haven obit
because you haven't done

as much as Tracy has.

His movies gross millions,

his comedy albums go platinum,

and he owns the world's only
giraffe basketball team,

the New York necks.

- So your problem...
- My problem?

Nbc news has the problem.

No, I don't think that's right.

And you know
what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna make my own obituary,

and show them
how wrong they are.

Then I'm afraid
you're on your own, Jenna.

You have failed
the test of intelligence.

Oh, really?
Well, so are you!

- Hello, Lemon.
- Hey, Jack.

How's business things?

I made several overseas
phone calls today.

Well, I'm doing great.

Like the song,
I am taking on my business.

Uh, no, it's, uh...

right.
Forget it.

Shoulders back, Lemon.

You're not welcoming people
to castle frankenstein.

I can't read any of this,
Gary, can you?

Uh, give us this third thing.

Uh...

Hello, miss.
My name is Ricky.

I'm...

Dorothy Michaels.

And you don't look stupid
in that shirt at all.

What do you gentlemen do?

We work for the FBI.

Mm-hmm,
female body inspectors.

Tell me, was your father
a donkey herder?

- Because that ass is...
- No, no!

My father worked
at Philadelphia power and light.

It's me, your daughter.
Elizabeth Lemon.

Elizabeth, what are you doing?

Ugh, this woman's trying
to hit on her own father!

No, no!

Good people of Swingles,
hear me out.

My married,
80-year-old father

is taking
a gentleman's intermission.

That's a great name
for what I'm doing.

Just what are you trying
to accomplish

with this stunt, young lady?

I am trying to show you
how disgusting you are.

No, you're the disgusting one.

Yeah, that was a terrible plan.

Come on, Gary.
Let's go hit that bar

with the cool rainbow flags.

- A two-time cable ace
award nominee,

and three-time
Tony...Shaloub sex partner,

Jenna Maroney is perhaps best
remembered for being beautiful.

Jenna Maroney, dead at 32.

read back what we have so far.

"Ideas to change
Mr. Jordan's headline."

Then you said,
"read back what we have so far."

Why is this so hard?

All I want to do is turn
into a worldwide hero overnight.

Coming up
in our next half hour,

we're gonna meet a heroic cat

who saved its owner's life
by dialing 911.

What an amazing story.

That cat's a hero.

If I save it,
I'm a double hero.

Ken, I need your help.

Well, I actually have
an important church...

Denied!

Hey, what's going on?

I got a message
you wanted to see me?

Yes, I know you're
interviewing John Boehner later.

You should know that he has
very tiny has, so...

Let him hold a miniature golf
scoring pencil

to make them look normal,
obviously.

But why are you...

oh, my God.
Are you trying to mentor me?

- All right, calm down.
- I am squared away, Donaghy.

I get four hours
of sleep a night,

eat 1,200 calories a day,

and my closet has been
on the cover

of organized living twice.

Damn it, I knew you'd fail
the test of chaos.

Is it really that difficult

to find someone new to mentor?

It's impossible.

I would never say this
to her face,

but Lemon is above average.

She's got just the right amount
of dihc for me.

I hear it, and I don't care.

I've cast a wide net, but even
the junior executives here...

there's something wrong
with this generation.

Hey, are you Jack?
Sorry I'm late.

B.T. Dubbs,

I gotta leave for my ironic
kickball league in about ten.

Also, I'm not interested
in this position

unless I'm gonna be
constantly praised.

And I won't cut my hair.

It's go time, Ken.
Are you ready?

I've got my hammer,
I've got my mask.

You just stop me
before I get to that cat.

I'll be right behind you.

And finally,
the weekend box office crown

belonged to the indie darling
hard to watch.

Critics have been praising
the gritty drama,

and the performance
of its star Tracy Jordan.

Now, not to editorialize,

but if Jordan doesn't
win the Oscar,

that would be
the stupidest thing

since the following segue...

speaking of cats...

An Oscar.

If I won an Oscar,

everyone would have
to respect me.

My obituary will read
"Oscar winner"

instead of
"children's soccer heckler."

It would change my headline.

I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

I left Tracy Jr.
in Atlantic City!

Die, hero cat!
I hate you!

I said I'm gonna kill that cat!

Killing cats is wrong!

Unless it's to make a hat!

My skull!

Jenna Maroney just saved
the hero cat!

That makes me a double hero!

Try to deny me my obit now,
you jags!

And tell people
in lieu of flowers,

they can pour jewels
into my open coffin.

I'm very injured.

You wanted to see me?

- No, Lemon.
- I did.

Albino ninja!

Look, I never should have
interfered with, um,

whatever this is.

- Work husband-slash-uncle.

- Coworker-slash-little brother.

Right, well, she's not ready
to move on.

It's true.

I'm wearing a Duane reade bag
as underwear today.

All right.
And for whatever reason,

he needs you too.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

I'm a mighty
great white shark, Lemon,

and you are a remora,

clinging to me
with your suction cup head.

I give you a free ride,
and in exchange,

you, uh, eat my parasites.

I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I already briefed him
on your problem.

The gentleman's
intermission, yes.

Uh, Lemon, does your father
have a cell phone?

Yes. Jack is back.

If anyone can talk sense
into my dad, it's you.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna
talk sense into anybody.

Your father's being irrational.

And irrational behavior
doesn't respond to rationality.

It responds to fear.

Hello?

Yeah, is this Dick Lemon?

This is he.
Who's calling?

I'm tricia's boyfriend,
you scumbag.

She told me what happened
with youse last night.

Now I'm gonna come
and find you,

and I'm gonna
kick your ass so hard,

you're gonna be
throwing up my toenails.

No, no, no, no, no.
There's been a mistake.

I did not do anything
with anyone last night.

Certainly not a tricia.

Oh, now you're telling me

my tricia's not
good enough for you?

She's an angel!

I'll tell you what,
I'm getting my brothers,

and we're coming over there,
and we're gonna...

Dick Lemon speaking.

How dare you hang up on me.

I'm a corrupt cop!
My brother's a corrupt fireman.

He's gonna set you on fire,

and I am not gonna
investigate it.

That won't be necessary.

I'm leaving
for Philadelphia today.

Dick, listen,
tricia told me you're married.

I know men are meant
to be promiscuous

because of evolution,

but you made a commitment
to a woman you love.

I do.
I do love her.

Yeah, that's right.
You're a lucky man.

"A," because you have a family

and "b," because I have not
curb-stomped you

in front of your grandchildren.

Actually, I don't have
grandchildren.

Why not?
Tricia told me you have

a 40-year-old daughter.
What's wrong with her?

- Okay, mm-mm.
- I gotta go.

I'm taking tricia
to laser zeppelin.

You take care now.
Go necks!

Can I show you
a weird thing on my leg?

Yeah.

That's gotta be removed.

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Claire?

Claire?

Joanne?
Okay.

Well, I look forward
to visiting her

and her wife...
On their farm.

Jacqueline?

Like, named after you?

Like a little Jack,
but with boobs?

Hi, I'm Daphne Donaghy
I saw a turtle!

Kylie.
Great.

She can strip her way
through community college.

Come on.

Oh, I don't know
about Christina.

'Cause then everyone
calls her Tina.

And every Tina I've known
is a real judgmental bitch.

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