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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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I'd like to welcome everyone
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00:00:04,161 --> 00:00:06,283
to this NBC employee
town hall meeting.
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00:00:06,351 --> 00:00:08,685
And thank you for taking time
out of your busy schedules.
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00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,377
Yeah, I'm supposed to be
drinking a soda right now.
6
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,803
A special thanks to those
joining us via simulcast,
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00:00:14,870 --> 00:00:16,918
Particularly you gentlemen
in the Tokyo office.
8
00:00:16,986 --> 00:00:18,299
I know it's late there.
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00:00:18,367 --> 00:00:21,120
I don't know why you're wearing
girls' pajamas,
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00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:23,632
But I'm sure it's cultural.
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00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:26,366
I'm here to address concerns
regarding the acquisition
12
00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:29,557
Of our company
by Kabletown.
13
00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:30,895
With a K.
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00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:33,539
This is an exciting time
for NBC.
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00:00:33,607 --> 00:00:35,881
Not Seinfeld, Friends, E.R.
exciting.
16
00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:38,524
More like 3d episodes
of Merlin exciting.
17
00:00:38,592 --> 00:00:40,733
But I believe
this is a great opportunity
18
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,176
For all of us because Kabletown
is a great company.
19
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,019
Even if it is from...
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00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,023
Philadelphia.
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00:00:47,091 --> 00:00:49,367
Go Eagles!
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00:00:49,435 --> 00:00:51,706
How did you even get
a snowball?
23
00:00:51,774 --> 00:00:53,914
Philly rules!
Cheesesteaks! Bobby clarke!
24
00:00:53,982 --> 00:00:55,886
Will Smith!
Your town sucks.
25
00:00:55,954 --> 00:00:57,390
You do not want
this argument, Lemon.
26
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,521
Boston is the greatest city
in the world.
27
00:00:59,589 --> 00:01:00,925
Boo.
Boston tea party.
28
00:01:00,992 --> 00:01:03,498
Boston cream pie.
Boston Rob Mariano.
29
00:01:03,566 --> 00:01:05,136
Birthplace
of Benjamin Franklin.
30
00:01:05,204 --> 00:01:07,676
Yeah, then he looked around,
realized it sucked,
31
00:01:07,744 --> 00:01:09,681
And moved to Philadelphia!
32
00:01:09,748 --> 00:01:11,819
Oh, did you just whip
a battery at me?
33
00:01:11,887 --> 00:01:13,924
Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry,
can we get back to the meeting?
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00:01:13,992 --> 00:01:16,498
Of course. My apologies
to our friends
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00:01:16,565 --> 00:01:19,036
[laughing] from the great city
of Los Angeles.
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00:01:19,103 --> 00:01:21,776
[laughter]
37
00:01:21,844 --> 00:01:23,748
Hey. Stop laughing.
L.A. Rules.
38
00:01:23,816 --> 00:01:26,719
Michael Bay, freeways,
Legoland.
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00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,290
Before I take
your questions,
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00:01:28,358 --> 00:01:30,060
I'd like to say few words
about Don Geiss.
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00:01:30,128 --> 00:01:32,900
The world has lost a giant.
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00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:33,968
He built G.E.
43
00:01:34,036 --> 00:01:35,572
into the greatest company
on earth,
44
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,075
And the earth into one of
the top three planets
45
00:01:37,142 --> 00:01:38,478
In the universe.
46
00:01:38,546 --> 00:01:41,083
For those of you wishing to pay
your respects,
47
00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:43,689
There will be an episcopal
cryogenic freezing service
48
00:01:43,756 --> 00:01:46,160
Open to all six sigma
black belts and higher.
49
00:01:46,228 --> 00:01:48,063
That's the craziest thing
I ever heard.
50
00:01:48,131 --> 00:01:49,233
Episcopal!
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00:01:49,301 --> 00:01:52,573
Now the floor is open
to questions.
52
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,144
I would be remiss if I didn't
honor our fallen leader
53
00:01:56,213 --> 00:01:58,181
With a song.
54
00:01:58,250 --> 00:01:59,517
This is for you,
Dan Goose.
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00:01:59,585 --> 00:02:06,730
♪ amazing ♪
56
00:02:06,798 --> 00:02:09,301
♪ gra-♪
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00:02:09,369 --> 00:02:12,543
[exciting jazz music]
58
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:16,659
30 Rock 4x16
Don Geiss, America and Hope Original Air Date on March 18, 2010
59
00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,660
-- Sync by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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00:02:28,008 --> 00:02:30,010
So how was your second date
with Wesley?
61
00:02:30,078 --> 00:02:32,013
Ah, well, you know
that scene in Notting Hill
62
00:02:32,081 --> 00:02:33,983
Where they have the romantic
date in the garden?
63
00:02:34,051 --> 00:02:36,219
Well, I would have rather
watched that terrible movie
64
00:02:36,287 --> 00:02:37,955
Five times than have hung out
with Wesley.
65
00:02:38,022 --> 00:02:39,791
So he's not
your future husband?
66
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:41,026
He's not my future anything.
67
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,929
You gave it a shot.
Good riddance.
68
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,298
Nope.
I'm seeing him tonight.
69
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:45,667
You are? Why?
70
00:02:45,735 --> 00:02:48,038
Well, this morning I was
buying an advanced ticket
71
00:02:48,106 --> 00:02:49,274
For the truffaut
retrospective
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00:02:49,342 --> 00:02:51,512
At the anthology
film archives--
73
00:02:51,579 --> 00:02:53,815
One for the 8:00
hot tub time machine.
74
00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:55,483
Liz?
75
00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,851
Are we both seeing
hot tub time machine tonight?
76
00:02:57,919 --> 00:02:59,353
How does this keep
happening?
77
00:02:59,421 --> 00:03:02,458
If there is a god, liz,
I think that she...
78
00:03:02,525 --> 00:03:03,693
Ugh.
79
00:03:03,761 --> 00:03:05,028
Is trying to tell us
something.
80
00:03:05,096 --> 00:03:07,366
It's like the universe
keeps pushing us together.
81
00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:08,901
We can't shake each other.
82
00:03:08,969 --> 00:03:11,004
I had a thing where I kept
running in to michael douglas.
83
00:03:11,072 --> 00:03:13,041
But then I realized
it was just some old lady
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00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,410
Who lives in my building.
85
00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:17,648
Lemon. A moment.
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00:03:17,715 --> 00:03:20,218
We have a Tracy problem.
87
00:03:20,286 --> 00:03:21,987
Okay.
Escaped exotic animal
88
00:03:22,055 --> 00:03:23,556
Or did he swallow
another firecracker?
89
00:03:23,624 --> 00:03:24,825
I wish.
90
00:03:24,893 --> 00:03:27,262
Our old nanny wrote
a tell-all book about me.
91
00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:28,864
Oh, no.
It's bad.
92
00:03:28,932 --> 00:03:31,268
I just got the call
from a friend at little brown.
93
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:32,337
The publishing house?
94
00:03:32,404 --> 00:03:34,172
No, the premier talent agency
95
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,076
For black dwarves.
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00:03:36,143 --> 00:03:38,246
Tracy, we need to start
doing damage control on this.
97
00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:39,548
What does she reveal
in the book?
98
00:03:39,616 --> 00:03:43,087
Everything. My addiction
to prescription glasses.
99
00:03:43,155 --> 00:03:46,393
The fact that I suffer from
attention deficit disor--
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00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,061
Jack, your shoes are shiny.
101
00:03:48,129 --> 00:03:50,662
And worst of all,
she revealed the fact
102
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,563
That I've never cheated
on my wife.
103
00:03:52,631 --> 00:03:54,131
Okay, well,
that's not true.
104
00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:55,399
Actually it is true.
105
00:03:55,466 --> 00:03:57,500
Tracy shared that with me
last year.
106
00:03:57,568 --> 00:03:59,135
What?
What about the strip clubs
107
00:03:59,202 --> 00:04:01,003
And the disgusting stories?
108
00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:03,939
Your ben & jerry's flavor
is called adulteraisin.
109
00:04:04,007 --> 00:04:06,274
That's all for show.
110
00:04:06,342 --> 00:04:08,043
I love my wife
and only her.
111
00:04:08,111 --> 00:04:10,643
Okay, and how is that
a bad thing?
112
00:04:10,711 --> 00:04:13,412
My wild and sexually
adventurous image
113
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:16,048
Is how I make my money,
Liz Lemon.
114
00:04:16,115 --> 00:04:18,382
I start losing my endorsements,
Angie's gonna be madder
115
00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:20,084
Than a bat in a suitcase.
116
00:04:20,151 --> 00:04:22,017
Uh-oh.
Which reminds me.
117
00:04:23,652 --> 00:04:25,620
Gordon. Gordon.
118
00:04:25,688 --> 00:04:26,655
[bat squeaking]
119
00:04:26,723 --> 00:04:27,991
Gordon!
Oh!
120
00:04:29,194 --> 00:04:30,594
I'm sorry.
You have a problem
121
00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:32,728
With the science
of hot tub time machine?
122
00:04:32,796 --> 00:04:34,729
Not the time travel.
It's the hot tub.
123
00:04:34,797 --> 00:04:37,430
You don't just turn one on,
and it's immediately hot.
124
00:04:37,498 --> 00:04:39,865
I should know. I've been
in a hot tub two times.
125
00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:42,400
Well, I don't question
everything.
126
00:04:42,468 --> 00:04:43,768
Except for the snacks
I got for us.
127
00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:46,303
Yeah.
Seltzer and Mike and ikes.
128
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,504
What did you want?
Popcorn?
129
00:04:47,571 --> 00:04:50,006
Yes.
Popcorn? At the cinema?
130
00:04:50,074 --> 00:04:52,074
And, by the way,
your food obsession
131
00:04:52,142 --> 00:04:53,275
Is not as endearing
as you think it is.
132
00:04:53,343 --> 00:04:56,078
It's like being
in a cathy cartoon
133
00:04:56,146 --> 00:04:57,314
That just won't end.
134
00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,583
Oh, my god,
I want to smash your face.
135
00:04:59,651 --> 00:05:01,918
[laughter]
136
00:05:01,986 --> 00:05:04,335
I don't think
we were meant to be together.
137
00:05:04,336 --> 00:05:06,936
So why are you in my phone
as future husband,
138
00:05:07,037 --> 00:05:09,837
and why am I in yours
as future wife?
139
00:05:09,838 --> 00:05:11,138
I guess we'll never know.
140
00:05:11,539 --> 00:05:14,039
At least we'll always have
Dr. Kaplan's recovery room.
141
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,140
It was our Paris.
142
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,841
huh...to bad we can't go back there.
143
00:05:22,742 --> 00:05:24,642
Look at all these books, sir.
144
00:05:24,643 --> 00:05:25,943
Feel like I'm back at school
145
00:05:26,044 --> 00:05:28,144
learning about the dangers
of book readin.
146
00:05:28,145 --> 00:05:30,645
This is all research on
Kabletown.
147
00:05:30,646 --> 00:05:33,646
I'm trying to learn everything
I can about our future owners.
148
00:05:34,047 --> 00:05:36,947
G.E. gave me the finest
education know to man.
149
00:05:37,848 --> 00:05:39,848
I learned to develop
new products,
150
00:05:40,249 --> 00:05:41,749
innovate new technologies.
151
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:43,350
We brought good things to life.
152
00:05:44,251 --> 00:05:46,151
and bad things to Chinese Rivers.
153
00:05:46,152 --> 00:05:48,052
G.E. is a great company.
154
00:05:48,453 --> 00:05:51,453
Second only to the company
of great friends.
155
00:05:51,803 --> 00:05:53,736
I thought I would workphone
at G.E. forever.
156
00:05:53,804 --> 00:05:55,804
But my future opportunities
at the company died
157
00:05:55,872 --> 00:05:57,573
With Don Geiss,
I have to accept that
158
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,142
And move on to
this exciting new challenge.
159
00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:02,543
A friend of mine
has been worried
160
00:06:02,611 --> 00:06:05,377
They'll be bringing in
new page rules.
161
00:06:05,444 --> 00:06:08,775
Like age limits
and age verification.
162
00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:11,108
Truth be told,
I haven't learned a lot
163
00:06:11,175 --> 00:06:12,241
About Kabletown.
164
00:06:12,308 --> 00:06:14,976
It's a whole different
business model.
165
00:06:15,044 --> 00:06:17,811
My cousin in Atlanta
is a business model.
166
00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:20,213
She holds up staplers
in catalogues.
167
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,014
But later today, I'm meeting
with an old colleague
168
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,981
Who left G.E. For Kabletown
five years ago.
169
00:06:25,149 --> 00:06:27,749
I'm going to pick his brain
and learn how Kabletown works,s,
170
00:06:27,817 --> 00:06:30,148
So I can prove
that I am the man
171
00:06:30,216 --> 00:06:32,583
With the ambition,
the talent,
172
00:06:32,651 --> 00:06:36,054
And the looking-at-my-watch
skills to run this company.
173
00:06:36,122 --> 00:06:40,225
[gasps]
terrific, sir!
174
00:06:40,292 --> 00:06:41,993
So all we need you to do
175
00:06:42,061 --> 00:06:43,861
Is to put us under
anesthesia again.
176
00:06:43,929 --> 00:06:44,996
Wesley brought his video camera.
177
00:06:45,063 --> 00:06:46,697
In England,
we call it a film pod.
178
00:06:46,764 --> 00:06:47,931
No.
179
00:06:47,998 --> 00:06:50,032
And that way, afterward,
we can watch the tape
180
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:51,599
And figure out
what our connection was.
181
00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:53,802
Would you ask a cardiologist
to do something like this?
182
00:06:53,870 --> 00:06:55,037
I am a real doctor.
183
00:06:55,105 --> 00:06:56,740
Yeah,
but a cardiologist is...
184
00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,342
I know
what a cardiologist is.
185
00:06:58,410 --> 00:07:00,510
My brother is a cardiologist,
and I'm just as good as he is.
186
00:07:00,578 --> 00:07:01,745
We drive the same car.
187
00:07:01,813 --> 00:07:03,846
So what if his wife
is more attractive?
188
00:07:03,914 --> 00:07:06,014
But Dr. Kaplan,
this is for love.
189
00:07:06,082 --> 00:07:08,416
It's like that brilliant film,
uh, Notting Hill.
190
00:07:08,484 --> 00:07:11,519
I'm british and charming,
and she's...
191
00:07:11,587 --> 00:07:13,921
Got certain angles
that work for her.
192
00:07:13,989 --> 00:07:16,723
Really?
You think you found "the one"
193
00:07:16,791 --> 00:07:18,125
In my recovery room.
194
00:07:18,192 --> 00:07:21,628
Let me show you
what happens in there.
195
00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:25,231
We are gonna hang out
so much after this.
196
00:07:25,299 --> 00:07:27,766
I want to take you
to the big apple circus
197
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:30,668
'cause we're best friends.
198
00:07:35,173 --> 00:07:37,606
I don't think
there was any connection.
199
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,040
It was just the anesthesia.
200
00:07:40,108 --> 00:07:42,608
Well, liz, I wish you
all the best.
201
00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:45,444
But future wife deleted.
202
00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:46,878
It's a good idea.
203
00:07:46,946 --> 00:07:50,248
And if my heart surgeon
brother is so great,
204
00:07:50,315 --> 00:07:52,282
How come so many
of his patients have died,
205
00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:54,984
But I've only killed
one guy, huh?
206
00:08:02,985 --> 00:08:04,818
Say it ain't so,
tray.
207
00:08:04,886 --> 00:08:07,120
What about the Seattle
Seahawks cheerleader?
208
00:08:07,188 --> 00:08:09,020
That one
kind of thick rockette?
209
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:10,453
That blind woman
210
00:08:10,521 --> 00:08:12,420
In the business class
bathroom on the acela?
211
00:08:12,487 --> 00:08:13,988
Were those all lies too?
212
00:08:14,055 --> 00:08:15,588
But, Frank, I still party.
213
00:08:15,656 --> 00:08:17,287
I'm still terrible at my job.
214
00:08:17,355 --> 00:08:20,723
I looked up to you.
Now I hate you.
215
00:08:22,859 --> 00:08:25,026
Tracy, I know
what you're going through.
216
00:08:25,094 --> 00:08:26,394
I got a lot of flack
217
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,429
After I ate the pig
that played babe.
218
00:08:28,497 --> 00:08:30,197
I learned you have
to go on the offensive.
219
00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:31,498
Start denying this stuff.
220
00:08:31,566 --> 00:08:32,900
I did, j-mo.
221
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:35,335
I held a press conference
this morning.
222
00:08:35,403 --> 00:08:38,705
I'm here to announce
that I'm leaving show business
223
00:08:38,773 --> 00:08:41,274
To spend more time
with my stripper.
224
00:08:41,341 --> 00:08:44,309
But it's like
a black barbie doll in Arizona.
225
00:08:44,377 --> 00:08:45,643
Nobody's buying it.
226
00:08:45,711 --> 00:08:47,311
Well, we lost
another one, tray.
227
00:08:47,379 --> 00:08:48,779
I just got off the phone with
the people
228
00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:50,180
From horny goat weed.
229
00:08:50,248 --> 00:08:51,515
They're dropping you
as their spokesman.
230
00:08:51,582 --> 00:08:53,750
But John Edwards and I
were supposed to ride
231
00:08:53,818 --> 00:08:55,418
On their cinco de mayo float.
232
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,155
Yet another
black superstar
233
00:09:00,223 --> 00:09:02,457
Taken down
by his personal life.
234
00:09:02,525 --> 00:09:06,161
Just like my favorite golfer
OJ Simpson.
235
00:09:06,228 --> 00:09:07,228
[laughs]
236
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,496
Remember how you tricked
the owner
237
00:09:08,563 --> 00:09:09,797
Of that toaster company
into thinking
238
00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:11,732
You were his dead son?
239
00:09:11,799 --> 00:09:14,000
And he sold you the factory
for $1.
240
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:16,069
You are an animal.
241
00:09:16,137 --> 00:09:17,838
Dave "the animal" hess.
242
00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:19,539
I was only as good
as my mentor,
243
00:09:19,607 --> 00:09:22,473
The man who taught me
how to bait the enemy,
244
00:09:22,541 --> 00:09:25,975
Jack "the master baiter"
Donaghy.
245
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:28,077
So, dave, tell me
all about Kabletown.
246
00:09:28,145 --> 00:09:30,746
What's their business strategy,
revenue streams?
247
00:09:30,814 --> 00:09:32,314
Do they have a preferred side
of the head
248
00:09:32,382 --> 00:09:33,849
For parting your hair,
because I've been continental
249
00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:35,684
For years,
but I'm willing to go western.
250
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:38,053
Whoa, relax, buddy.
Your job is secure.
251
00:09:38,121 --> 00:09:39,754
I just want to understand
the operation
252
00:09:39,822 --> 00:09:41,222
So I can contribute
right away.
253
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:42,791
Well, that's the beauty
of it, Jack.
254
00:09:42,859 --> 00:09:45,427
You don't have to.
The cable's already laid--
255
00:09:45,495 --> 00:09:47,729
I don't understand.
There's always room for growth,
256
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:49,264
For innovation.
No, there really isn't.
257
00:09:49,332 --> 00:09:50,399
It's brilliant.
258
00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:52,234
And this is the goose
259
00:09:52,302 --> 00:09:54,002
That lays the golden eggs--
260
00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:56,738
Channels 500 through 600.
261
00:09:56,806 --> 00:09:59,274
Oh, good god.
Ass-atar.
262
00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,709
The lovely boners.The hind side.
263
00:10:01,777 --> 00:10:05,446
Fresh-ass: Based on the novel"tush" by assfire.
264
00:10:05,514 --> 00:10:07,715
It's all pay-per-view porn.
265
00:10:07,783 --> 00:10:09,250
Do you know
how much of our profit
266
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,418
Comes from men
ordering adult movies?
267
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,251
91%.
268
00:10:13,319 --> 00:10:14,752
They churn this stuff out,
269
00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:16,352
People at home push a button,
270
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:17,853
And we make money
off it.
271
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,921
We don't do anything.
272
00:10:19,988 --> 00:10:21,788
Then what do you want
with NBC?
273
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,088
Why do you even want me?
274
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,189
Well, buying NBC counts
as a charitable donation
275
00:10:26,256 --> 00:10:27,254
For tax purposes.
276
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:28,954
And as for you,
277
00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:30,720
You're the classic
american executive.
278
00:10:30,788 --> 00:10:32,221
You will look great
279
00:10:32,288 --> 00:10:35,290
Standing behind our ceo
at press conferences.
280
00:10:35,357 --> 00:10:36,657
You are kidding me.
281
00:10:36,725 --> 00:10:37,991
I went to Harvard
business school.
282
00:10:38,059 --> 00:10:40,392
I'm the reason
the microwave tray rotates.
283
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:41,760
Jack.
I make things.
284
00:10:41,828 --> 00:10:43,527
I build companies,
innovate products.
285
00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:45,796
Don't fight it, Jack.
286
00:10:45,863 --> 00:10:48,131
It's the perfect business.
287
00:10:48,199 --> 00:10:50,633
The war is over,
and we won.
288
00:10:55,805 --> 00:10:58,372
"and Alexander wept
289
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,342
For there were no more worlds
to conquer."
290
00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:04,877
Hans Gruber, Die Hard.
291
00:11:04,945 --> 00:11:07,312
Hey, I know
you're off-duty,
292
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:08,747
But is there any chance
you would take me
293
00:11:08,814 --> 00:11:09,781
To the upper west side?
294
00:11:09,848 --> 00:11:12,749
Okay.
Oh, good catch.
295
00:11:12,817 --> 00:11:15,251
Thank you so much.
296
00:11:15,319 --> 00:11:16,352
[tires screeching]
297
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:18,020
[crash]
ow.
298
00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:24,491
[drivers argue
in foreign language]
299
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,392
Bloody hell!
300
00:11:26,459 --> 00:11:28,093
No, no, no,
not again.
301
00:11:28,161 --> 00:11:31,329
That's not him, is it?
302
00:11:31,397 --> 00:11:33,965
Okay.
That was almost--
303
00:11:34,032 --> 00:11:35,866
Gangway for footcycle!
304
00:11:37,968 --> 00:11:39,501
[gasps]
305
00:11:39,569 --> 00:11:43,437
Come on!
I said gangway for the...
306
00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:44,838
[gasps]
you witch!
307
00:11:44,906 --> 00:11:47,274
No, no,
I am walking away.
308
00:11:47,342 --> 00:11:49,910
Wait, Liz, wait.
Look, I wasn't even supposed
309
00:11:49,978 --> 00:11:51,311
To ride
my footcycle home today.
310
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:52,612
Stop calling it that.
311
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,613
Yeah, fine, my velocipede,
but I did ride it
312
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,349
Because the universe wanted me
to run into you again.
313
00:11:58,417 --> 00:11:59,851
And I finally think
I know why.
314
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,619
Commencing
eye-roll sequence.
315
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,688
The universe wants us
to settle for one another.
316
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:06,123
Well, there has to be
a reason
317
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:07,292
This keeps happening
to us, Liz.
318
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,029
I think fate is telling us
319
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,532
This is the best
we're ever gonna get.
320
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,868
We're each other's
settling soul mates.
321
00:12:13,936 --> 00:12:16,706
Settling soul mates?
That is grim.
322
00:12:16,774 --> 00:12:18,509
And I've played
Monopoly alone.
323
00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:19,910
Well, I know
it's not ideal,
324
00:12:19,978 --> 00:12:21,277
But we'd both benefit.
325
00:12:21,345 --> 00:12:23,112
I mean, I could open jars
and kill bugs for you,
326
00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:25,946
And you could make me look
less gay at work functions.
327
00:12:26,014 --> 00:12:27,715
Look, I happen
to believe in roma--
328
00:12:27,783 --> 00:12:30,184
Don't even say
romantic love.
329
00:12:30,252 --> 00:12:32,319
How many couples do you know
that are actually in love,
330
00:12:32,387 --> 00:12:35,088
That don't completely annoy
one another?
331
00:12:35,156 --> 00:12:36,222
Okay, what about them?
332
00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:37,523
You wouldn't be complaining
333
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,091
If you wore the shoes
I bought you.
334
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,193
You're an old bitch.
335
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:45,930
Why fight this?
Grow old with me, Liz?
336
00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:48,799
In separate bedrooms?
No way.
337
00:12:48,866 --> 00:12:50,367
Have a nice life.
338
00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:51,368
Think about it, Liz.
339
00:12:51,435 --> 00:12:53,136
It's what the universe wants.
340
00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:54,537
You'd have someone
to tell you
341
00:12:54,605 --> 00:12:56,839
When you're about to step
in something.
342
00:12:56,907 --> 00:12:59,040
Ah, nerds!
343
00:13:04,673 --> 00:13:06,741
Okay, mentor time.
I need a pep talk.
344
00:13:06,808 --> 00:13:09,477
Lemon, I'm not in the mood
to solve your lady problems
345
00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:11,645
Or listen to a story
about whatever escapee
346
00:13:11,713 --> 00:13:14,181
From the island of misfit toys
you're currently dating.
347
00:13:14,249 --> 00:13:16,784
No, this is
a Liz relationship emergency.
348
00:13:16,852 --> 00:13:18,084
It's a Liz-aster.
349
00:13:18,152 --> 00:13:20,152
[sighs]
350
00:13:20,220 --> 00:13:22,921
Okay, Lemon.
What is it?
351
00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:25,825
[sighs] okay.
Ever since I was little...
352
00:13:25,893 --> 00:13:28,361
No, faster than that.
My whole adult life...
353
00:13:28,429 --> 00:13:30,130
No!
Oprah says...
354
00:13:30,197 --> 00:13:33,566
You have ten seconds.
Okay, this guy Wesley
355
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:34,701
Thinks we should get married
356
00:13:34,769 --> 00:13:37,804
Because it's time for us
to settle.
357
00:13:37,872 --> 00:13:41,344
Now that's completely
and totally wrong because...
358
00:13:41,411 --> 00:13:42,645
Is it?
359
00:13:42,712 --> 00:13:43,813
Maybe you should settle.
360
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,549
Everybody settles.
What?
361
00:13:46,616 --> 00:13:47,783
Look at me.
362
00:13:47,851 --> 00:13:49,684
At one point,
my obituary was going to read,
363
00:13:49,752 --> 00:13:52,987
"CEO of G.E. dies violently
in a casino orgy."
364
00:13:53,055 --> 00:13:54,822
Now what's it going to say?
365
00:13:54,890 --> 00:13:56,591
"middle manager
of a Philadelphia
366
00:13:56,658 --> 00:13:58,459
Pornography distributor
never wakes up"?
367
00:13:58,527 --> 00:14:01,328
What are you talking about?
Kabletown.
368
00:14:01,396 --> 00:14:02,763
It's a mousetrap company.
369
00:14:02,831 --> 00:14:05,031
And you cannot build
a better mousetrap.
370
00:14:05,099 --> 00:14:07,366
Wait--Kabletown makes
mousetraps?
371
00:14:07,434 --> 00:14:09,900
Kabletown
doesn't make anything.
372
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:11,636
Maybe it is
the perfect business.
373
00:14:11,703 --> 00:14:15,371
A perpetual motion machine
endlessly satisfying
374
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,440
Every human need.
375
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,175
Soon you won't even have
to leave your house.
376
00:14:19,243 --> 00:14:20,442
That sounds pretty good.
377
00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:21,709
They don't need ideas,
378
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,441
They don't need innovation.
379
00:14:23,509 --> 00:14:25,977
In other words,
they don't need me.
380
00:14:27,312 --> 00:14:28,379
Wait, where are you going?
381
00:14:28,447 --> 00:14:29,914
I'm going to bury Don Geiss,
382
00:14:29,981 --> 00:14:33,016
America, and hope.
383
00:14:33,084 --> 00:14:34,551
[knock at door]
hey.
384
00:14:34,618 --> 00:14:36,819
I saw some women came forward
to say
385
00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:37,854
You didn't have sex
with them.
386
00:14:37,921 --> 00:14:39,121
It's gotten worse.
387
00:14:39,189 --> 00:14:40,824
Somebody leaked my voicemails.
388
00:14:40,892 --> 00:14:43,527
Hey, baby,
it's your husband.
389
00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,062
So I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond,
390
00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:46,430
And I can't remember,
391
00:14:46,498 --> 00:14:49,467
Did you say to get metal
or wood shower curtain rings?
392
00:14:49,535 --> 00:14:51,803
Oh, you're calling me
on the other line.
393
00:14:51,871 --> 00:14:54,306
I can't wait to talk to you.
I love you.
394
00:14:54,373 --> 00:14:56,474
How does angie feel
about this? Is she mad?
395
00:14:56,542 --> 00:14:58,877
She says I better have
an affair and quick
396
00:14:58,945 --> 00:15:00,445
Before it tears
our family apart.
397
00:15:00,513 --> 00:15:02,046
I wish I could help you,
398
00:15:02,114 --> 00:15:03,648
But I can't sleep
with a black guy.
399
00:15:03,715 --> 00:15:05,416
I'd lose my endorsement deal
with NASCAR.
400
00:15:05,484 --> 00:15:06,818
That's the problem.
401
00:15:06,885 --> 00:15:08,419
Who's desperate enough
to have sex with me
402
00:15:08,487 --> 00:15:10,186
At this point?
Come on.
403
00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:11,720
You're still Tracy Jordan.
404
00:15:11,788 --> 00:15:13,688
There's got to be
some skank around here
405
00:15:13,756 --> 00:15:15,089
Who's made it very clear
she wants you.
406
00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:16,990
Go save your career
407
00:15:17,058 --> 00:15:18,957
And give her
the thrill of a lifetime.
408
00:15:23,093 --> 00:15:24,226
Hello, Elizabeth.
409
00:15:24,294 --> 00:15:25,994
May I offer you
a succulent fruit?
410
00:15:26,061 --> 00:15:27,828
What? No.
Why are you in here?
411
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,031
Let me do a dance for you,
my lover.
412
00:15:40,972 --> 00:15:43,273
No.
No, this is wrong.
413
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:44,774
I can't have sex with you,
Liz Lemon.
414
00:15:44,842 --> 00:15:47,176
I love angie too much.
415
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:48,344
Wow. Okay.
416
00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:50,846
That was not gonna happen
for many reasons
417
00:15:50,913 --> 00:15:51,979
Besides you loving your wife.
418
00:15:52,047 --> 00:15:53,881
Reason one: I am conscious.
419
00:15:53,949 --> 00:15:55,649
Reason two:
You smell like icy hot.
420
00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:57,050
Reason three--
I'm sorry, L.L.
421
00:15:57,118 --> 00:15:58,952
I know how much you wanted this
to happen.
422
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:00,520
I'm disappointed in me too.
423
00:16:00,588 --> 00:16:04,324
If I can't have an affair,
Tracy Jordan is finished.
424
00:16:04,391 --> 00:16:06,826
Stop it.
Just embrace the fact
425
00:16:06,894 --> 00:16:09,297
That you are lucky enough
to be a happily married man.
426
00:16:09,365 --> 00:16:11,332
I mean,
I'm actually jealous of you.
427
00:16:11,399 --> 00:16:13,300
You've got stability,
a great marriage,
428
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:14,501
Devoted kids.
429
00:16:14,568 --> 00:16:15,702
You know what I have?
430
00:16:15,769 --> 00:16:17,837
A sims family
that keeps getting murdered.
431
00:16:17,904 --> 00:16:20,639
So quit whining
and be grateful.
432
00:16:20,707 --> 00:16:23,008
I am lucky.
Thanks, Liz Lemon.
433
00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:24,442
You're welcome, Tray.
434
00:16:24,510 --> 00:16:27,144
Hey, you know what, one day
you will have what I have
435
00:16:27,212 --> 00:16:30,713
Because you're an amazing,
strong, and intelligent woman
436
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,481
Like Hilary...
437
00:16:32,548 --> 00:16:33,949
From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
438
00:16:34,017 --> 00:16:37,020
Thank you.
That's a very good pep talk.
439
00:16:38,088 --> 00:16:40,656
Ugh!
I'm sorry.
440
00:16:40,723 --> 00:16:43,524
I was still riding the vibe
from earlier.
441
00:16:43,592 --> 00:16:46,493
[somber G.E. Jingle playing]
442
00:16:46,561 --> 00:16:54,967
♪ ♪
443
00:16:55,034 --> 00:16:58,503
Welcome, all,
to the memorial service/freezing
444
00:16:58,571 --> 00:17:00,371
For Donald H. Geiss.
445
00:17:00,439 --> 00:17:04,708
You were the last
of a dying breed, sir.
446
00:17:04,776 --> 00:17:07,143
I'll never forget the first
thing he ever said to me.
447
00:17:07,211 --> 00:17:10,912
"these are all hookers.
Pick one."
448
00:17:10,979 --> 00:17:14,981
Then after we picked our hookers
and the plane took off,
449
00:17:15,049 --> 00:17:17,050
He told me
his business philosophy.
450
00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:20,653
There's always
an untapped market.
451
00:17:20,721 --> 00:17:23,889
Don was the one who realized
there was a whole segment
452
00:17:23,957 --> 00:17:27,692
Of consumers not buying
light bulbs.
453
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,026
The asleep.
454
00:17:29,094 --> 00:17:32,496
That realization led him
to develop the nightlight
455
00:17:32,564 --> 00:17:35,233
And the marketing campaign
aimed at making children
456
00:17:35,301 --> 00:17:38,670
Afraid of the dark--
a monster under every bed.
457
00:17:38,738 --> 00:17:42,541
Don said that no business
is ever done evolving.
458
00:17:42,608 --> 00:17:45,443
But there are always
opportunities for innovation,
459
00:17:45,511 --> 00:17:49,781
That you can always...
460
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:52,517
You can always find
new customers.
461
00:17:52,585 --> 00:17:55,086
I'm sorry.
462
00:17:55,154 --> 00:17:57,654
But I just had
an amazing business idea.
463
00:17:57,722 --> 00:17:59,253
You'll have to excuse me.
464
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:02,419
[applause]
465
00:18:03,888 --> 00:18:06,788
[ave maria]
466
00:18:06,856 --> 00:18:14,888
♪ ♪
467
00:18:17,057 --> 00:18:19,257
I know it's not my place yet
to call a meeting
468
00:18:19,325 --> 00:18:21,562
Of Kabletown
senior vice presidents,
469
00:18:21,629 --> 00:18:23,899
But I have something
I need to share with you.
470
00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:26,001
Gentlemen, there is
a giant segment of consumers
471
00:18:26,069 --> 00:18:29,203
Who are not buying
our most lucrative product.
472
00:18:29,271 --> 00:18:33,608
Three words:
Porn for women.
473
00:18:33,676 --> 00:18:36,411
Jack, women hate porn
474
00:18:36,479 --> 00:18:39,179
Almost as much as men hate
going to outlet malls.
475
00:18:39,247 --> 00:18:42,114
Yes, women hate porn.
Our porn.
476
00:18:42,182 --> 00:18:45,350
But women do have
one insatiable need.
477
00:18:45,418 --> 00:18:47,218
To jabber.
478
00:18:47,285 --> 00:18:48,652
And it doesn't matter
if you have a headache,
479
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,386
Or you're not in the mood,
480
00:18:50,454 --> 00:18:52,354
Or you're about to go
to Don Geiss's funeral,
481
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:53,789
They barge
right into your office
482
00:18:53,857 --> 00:18:55,090
And start complaining
about a boyfriend
483
00:18:55,158 --> 00:18:56,291
Or a coworker.
484
00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:57,725
And you're supposed
to sit there and nod
485
00:18:57,793 --> 00:18:59,060
And tell them they're right.
486
00:18:59,127 --> 00:19:00,961
And the more you give it
to them, the more they want it.
487
00:19:01,029 --> 00:19:03,329
I'll tell you, sometimes
my wife will be blathering on
488
00:19:03,397 --> 00:19:05,130
About something,
and I'll think,
489
00:19:05,198 --> 00:19:06,731
I'm more
than just a pair of ears.
490
00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:08,233
You know, I'm a person
491
00:19:08,301 --> 00:19:10,236
Who thinks about sex
every seven seconds.
492
00:19:10,304 --> 00:19:11,504
Exactly.
493
00:19:11,572 --> 00:19:13,506
So what if women had
a pay-per-view channel
494
00:19:13,573 --> 00:19:16,808
Featuring handsome men
patiently listening to them?
495
00:19:16,876 --> 00:19:20,381
What if they had...
Porn for women?
496
00:19:20,449 --> 00:19:24,219
Okay, but where does
that content come from?
497
00:19:24,287 --> 00:19:26,154
From us.
We make it.
498
00:19:26,221 --> 00:19:28,288
Jack.
We don't make...
499
00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:29,988
Hear me out.
Yes, I'm talking about
500
00:19:30,055 --> 00:19:32,021
Doubling pay-per-view
profits
501
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:34,156
While cutting out the middle
man, but I'm also talking
502
00:19:34,224 --> 00:19:37,059
About american businessmen doing
what they were born to do--
503
00:19:37,127 --> 00:19:38,560
Make things.
504
00:19:38,628 --> 00:19:40,228
We've stopped making
505
00:19:40,296 --> 00:19:41,896
And become a country
of consumers.
506
00:19:41,964 --> 00:19:45,599
Well, I, for one,
am done consuming.
507
00:19:45,666 --> 00:19:48,000
And I'm ready to make.
508
00:19:58,309 --> 00:20:01,177
Liz?
I don't believe it.
509
00:20:01,245 --> 00:20:02,478
Hello, Wesley.
510
00:20:02,546 --> 00:20:04,279
Don't you see this is
just gonna keep happening?
511
00:20:04,347 --> 00:20:05,613
You can't fight the universe.
512
00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:07,048
No, this isn't a coincidence.
513
00:20:07,116 --> 00:20:08,516
I wanted to see you,
and I figured
514
00:20:08,584 --> 00:20:11,853
You wouldn't miss a tasting
of the white wines of Scotland.
515
00:20:11,921 --> 00:20:13,321
Most restaurants refuse
to serve them.
516
00:20:13,389 --> 00:20:15,456
Oh, yeah, you've only told me
that, like, nine times.
517
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:17,258
So does this mean
you've come to your senses?
518
00:20:17,325 --> 00:20:19,693
Are you ready to settle
and become Mrs. Snipes?
519
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:22,395
No. I wanted to tell you
to your face
520
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:23,629
That I know
that I can do better than you.
521
00:20:23,697 --> 00:20:25,931
And I am never gonna be
Mrs. Snipes.
522
00:20:25,998 --> 00:20:27,899
Hang on, is your name
Wesley Snipes?
523
00:20:27,967 --> 00:20:30,001
That is insane!
No, it's insane
524
00:20:30,068 --> 00:20:32,202
That the actor Wesley Snipes
has that name.
525
00:20:32,270 --> 00:20:34,437
If you saw a picture of him
and a picture of me,
526
00:20:34,505 --> 00:20:38,107
And you were asked, "who should
be named Wesley Snipes?"
527
00:20:38,175 --> 00:20:39,975
You'd pick the pale englishman
every time.
528
00:20:40,042 --> 00:20:41,509
Every time, Liz.
529
00:20:41,577 --> 00:20:43,178
Frankly, you should be having
this conversation with him.
530
00:20:43,245 --> 00:20:46,947
Yeah.
I'm gonna go do that.
531
00:20:47,015 --> 00:20:48,715
I give you two months
before you give up
532
00:20:48,783 --> 00:20:50,717
And decide to settle!
533
00:20:50,785 --> 00:20:52,118
I'll see you in May!
534
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:53,653
For sweeps!
535
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,654
That's what we call
spring cleaning in England.
536
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:58,223
[groans]
537
00:21:00,789 --> 00:21:02,289
[flipping channels]
538
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,895
Hello there.
Well, hello.
539
00:21:05,963 --> 00:21:08,764
How was your day?
Do you need to talk?
540
00:21:08,831 --> 00:21:11,700
'cause I'll just listen
patiently and say things like,
541
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:15,003
"uh-huh,"
"how annoying,"
542
00:21:15,070 --> 00:21:17,838
"she's clearly
jealous of you,"
543
00:21:17,906 --> 00:21:20,074
And "well, it's his loss."
544
00:21:20,142 --> 00:21:23,844
You're a great woman.
You deserve a great man.
545
00:21:23,912 --> 00:21:25,646
For just $24.95 an hour.
546
00:21:25,714 --> 00:21:28,282
Yes, please.
547
00:21:28,350 --> 00:21:29,850
It's the yellow button,
sweetie.
548
00:21:29,851 --> 00:21:30,851
-- Sync by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
549
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000
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00:00:13,050 --> 00:00:17,600
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