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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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Hey, liz, my daughter's
selling valentine cookies
3
00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:04,811
For a school fundraiser.
4
00:00:04,879 --> 00:00:06,112
Valentine's day is a sham
5
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:07,881
Created by card companies
to reinforce and exploit
6
00:00:07,949 --> 00:00:09,182
Gender stereotypes.
7
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:11,951
Evelyn, this is the lady
I was telling you about.
8
00:00:12,019 --> 00:00:15,788
I like valentine's day.
Tommy reticker gave me a card.
9
00:00:15,856 --> 00:00:18,591
Ha. Learn from my sexual
misadventures, evelyn.
10
00:00:18,659 --> 00:00:19,892
Last valentine's day,
11
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,627
I watched my boyfriend drew's
12
00:00:21,695 --> 00:00:23,929
Mother/grandmother die.
13
00:00:23,997 --> 00:00:26,932
I met floyd on valentine's day,
14
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,734
But he left me for the ty of cleveland.
15
00:00:28,802 --> 00:00:30,136
And forget about dennis!
16
00:00:30,203 --> 00:00:31,537
That pervert would always
just try to get me drunk--
17
00:00:31,605 --> 00:00:32,972
All right, so zero cookies.
18
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,573
No, I'll buy some cookies.
19
00:00:34,641 --> 00:00:36,575
But not for valentine's day.
20
00:00:36,643 --> 00:00:39,211
Instead, these cookies celebrate
21
00:00:39,279 --> 00:00:40,913
The February 14th birthday
22
00:00:40,981 --> 00:00:44,250
Of anna howard shaw,
famed american suffragette.
23
00:00:44,318 --> 00:00:46,652
Happy anna howard shaw day to you, evelyn.
24
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:47,820
Come on.
25
00:00:47,888 --> 00:00:50,990
A happy anna howard shaw day to us all!
26
00:00:54,027 --> 00:01:02,068
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:10,077 --> 00:01:12,478
Lemon, which one of these ties
do you find more attractive?
28
00:01:12,546 --> 00:01:15,581
- The red, definitely.
- Thank you.
29
00:01:15,649 --> 00:01:16,916
I've got to look camera ready tonight.
30
00:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,017
I'm being interviewed on cnbc.
31
00:01:18,085 --> 00:01:19,151
Have you ever watched
32
00:01:19,219 --> 00:01:21,153
The hot box with avery jessup?
33
00:01:21,221 --> 00:01:22,688
No, cnbc gives me a headache.
34
00:01:22,756 --> 00:01:25,358
I get all my money advice from pbs.
35
00:01:25,425 --> 00:01:26,692
Where should I put my money:
36
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,295
In tech stocks or the housing market?
37
00:01:29,363 --> 00:01:33,966
Tech stocks, foxy moneybags, tech stocks!
38
00:01:34,034 --> 00:01:37,136
Sir, your reservations are
all set for valentine's day.
39
00:01:37,204 --> 00:01:39,305
And just to be clear,
are you and I exchanging--
40
00:01:39,373 --> 00:01:41,474
No.
41
00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:42,742
Why do you have valentine's plans?
42
00:01:42,809 --> 00:01:44,143
What about nancy?
43
00:01:44,211 --> 00:01:46,645
Nancy knows that I'm here when she's ready.
44
00:01:46,713 --> 00:01:48,814
But after what we went through,
our marriage,
45
00:01:48,882 --> 00:01:50,483
The way that it ended between us,
46
00:01:50,550 --> 00:01:52,818
It was, uh, very intense.
47
00:01:52,886 --> 00:01:54,487
Like when you think there's one more stair,
48
00:01:54,554 --> 00:01:55,755
But there isn't.
49
00:01:55,822 --> 00:01:57,289
And all of the sudden, you're, like, "whoa!"
50
00:01:57,357 --> 00:01:58,424
Exactly.
51
00:01:58,492 --> 00:02:00,493
So for now, I just want
something fun and easy.
52
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,262
Frankly, I could use a win. - A win?
53
00:02:03,330 --> 00:02:04,930
What's with the euphemisms, jack?
54
00:02:04,998 --> 00:02:07,700
Why don't you just say you want some...
55
00:02:07,768 --> 00:02:10,770
- Is that sex, lemon?
- Is the way I do it.
56
00:02:10,837 --> 00:02:12,905
So who's the lucky lady? - I'm not sure yet.
57
00:02:12,973 --> 00:02:14,740
I have three dates set up across the city,
58
00:02:14,808 --> 00:02:16,142
And I hope one of them works out.
59
00:02:16,209 --> 00:02:18,144
How are you gonna handle
three different dates?
60
00:02:18,211 --> 00:02:19,545
Well, I have a system for first dates.
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00:02:19,613 --> 00:02:20,946
At the appointed time, jonathan calls me
62
00:02:21,014 --> 00:02:22,348
And tells me that I have a conference call
63
00:02:22,416 --> 00:02:23,783
With the geneva office.
64
00:02:23,850 --> 00:02:25,584
If I don't like the woman,
I have an excuse to leave.
65
00:02:25,652 --> 00:02:27,686
If I do like her, I loudly tell jonathan
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00:02:27,754 --> 00:02:29,188
That I'm doing something more important.
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00:02:29,256 --> 00:02:30,589
The woman is suitably impressed.
68
00:02:30,657 --> 00:02:33,125
And I'm guaranteed to see some underwear.
69
00:02:33,193 --> 00:02:35,928
Perhaps a, uh, bra with a front clasp.
70
00:02:35,996 --> 00:02:37,396
What?
71
00:02:37,464 --> 00:02:39,598
What are your plans for
valentine's day, lemon?
72
00:02:39,666 --> 00:02:42,334
I am taking myself out
of the equation entirely.
73
00:02:42,402 --> 00:02:45,337
I scheduled a root canal
for February 14th, jack.
74
00:02:45,405 --> 00:02:47,339
I will spend half the day in twilight sleep.
75
00:02:47,407 --> 00:02:50,576
Then I will go home and watch
the lifetime original movie
76
00:02:50,644 --> 00:02:53,012
My stepson is my cyber-husband.
77
00:02:53,079 --> 00:02:54,613
Wow. That is inspired.
78
00:02:54,681 --> 00:02:57,917
You are truly the picasso of loneliness.
79
00:02:57,984 --> 00:03:02,254
Or I am that painting
elephant of being awesome.
80
00:03:06,593 --> 00:03:08,928
Oh, kenneth, have any
packages come for me today?
81
00:03:08,995 --> 00:03:10,229
No, miss maroney.
82
00:03:10,297 --> 00:03:11,864
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
83
00:03:11,932 --> 00:03:13,532
Valentine's day is always a huge deal
84
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,201
For maynard roger hoynes.
85
00:03:15,268 --> 00:03:16,635
That's my stalker.
86
00:03:16,703 --> 00:03:18,003
You have a stalker?
87
00:03:18,071 --> 00:03:19,705
It's a real problem in
the celebrity community.
88
00:03:19,773 --> 00:03:22,675
But if beyonce simply answered
one of my letters,
89
00:03:22,742 --> 00:03:24,643
I'd stop trying to break into her house.
90
00:03:24,711 --> 00:03:26,912
So if you haven't heard from him,
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00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:28,414
Isn't that a good thing?
92
00:03:28,482 --> 00:03:30,916
Kenneth, the celebrit
y- stalker relationship
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00:03:30,984 --> 00:03:32,418
Is very special.
94
00:03:32,486 --> 00:03:34,253
Maynard's debilitating devotion
95
00:03:34,321 --> 00:03:36,555
Validates how wonderful I am.
96
00:03:36,623 --> 00:03:38,457
But what does it say about
me if he's moved on?
97
00:03:38,525 --> 00:03:41,460
Maybe to one of my peers like julia roberts.
98
00:03:44,664 --> 00:03:46,732
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation,
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00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,801
Miss maroney.
100
00:03:52,138 --> 00:03:53,939
Hey.
101
00:03:54,007 --> 00:03:56,575
Has anybody heard about any
cool new sex positions?
102
00:03:56,643 --> 00:03:58,410
My girlfriend's visiting for valentine's
103
00:03:58,478 --> 00:04:00,980
And I want to keep things caliente.
104
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:02,081
Oh, my god, lutz.
105
00:04:02,148 --> 00:04:04,116
Are you still pretending karen exists?
106
00:04:04,184 --> 00:04:05,518
She's real.
107
00:04:05,585 --> 00:04:07,019
Would a fake woman have a personal web site
108
00:04:07,087 --> 00:04:09,889
At jdlutz.Com/karen/proof?
109
00:04:09,956 --> 00:04:11,490
Oh, good grief.
110
00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:13,792
My cousin set me up on a
blind date for valentine's,
111
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:17,663
And I just found out the girl is...Well...
112
00:04:17,731 --> 00:04:18,731
Urban.
113
00:04:18,798 --> 00:04:20,132
Are you saying she's black?
114
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,634
I don't know how to get out of this.
115
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:23,102
Dude, come out with me.
116
00:04:23,169 --> 00:04:24,703
You know that load with the messed-up teeth
117
00:04:24,771 --> 00:04:25,738
Who cleans the urinals?
118
00:04:25,805 --> 00:04:26,805
She'll only go out with me
119
00:04:26,873 --> 00:04:28,340
If she can bring her ugly sister.
120
00:04:28,408 --> 00:04:30,175
Wow, I can't believe you guys
121
00:04:30,243 --> 00:04:32,478
Are letting valentine's day win.
122
00:04:32,546 --> 00:04:35,281
Not me. One word. Oral.
123
00:04:35,348 --> 00:04:38,317
Two words. Oral surgery.
124
00:04:38,385 --> 00:04:40,786
I'm having oral surgery and
skipping valentine's day.
125
00:04:40,854 --> 00:04:42,187
Doctor's orders.
126
00:04:42,255 --> 00:04:44,523
Oh, that reminds me, dr.
Kaplan's office called.
127
00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:45,858
They want to know who's picking you up
128
00:04:45,926 --> 00:04:46,992
After your procedure.
129
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,394
- What?
- Yeah. It's an insurance thing.
130
00:04:48,461 --> 00:04:49,628
Any time they have anesthesia,
131
00:04:49,696 --> 00:04:50,763
Someone needs to bring you home.
132
00:04:50,797 --> 00:04:52,298
Hey, that stuff messes you up.
133
00:04:52,365 --> 00:04:53,699
When I had my wisdom teeth out,
134
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:55,935
I tried to get in the bath with my mom.
135
00:04:56,002 --> 00:04:58,971
Okay, is there any chance
that you could take me home?
136
00:04:59,039 --> 00:05:00,406
Sorry.
137
00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:02,441
Every year, paula and I rent
this big suite up at niagara.
138
00:05:02,509 --> 00:05:03,642
And then she takes the kids there
139
00:05:03,710 --> 00:05:05,778
And I stay home and get wasted in my garage.
140
00:05:05,845 --> 00:05:08,681
It's what keeps the magic alive.
141
00:05:08,748 --> 00:05:09,982
Welcome back.
142
00:05:10,050 --> 00:05:11,951
I'm here with sheinhard
t- universal vice president
143
00:05:12,018 --> 00:05:13,419
Jack donaghy.
144
00:05:13,486 --> 00:05:14,820
Thanks for sitting in the hot box, jack.
145
00:05:14,888 --> 00:05:16,221
My pleasure, avery.
146
00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:17,756
Also joining me, walter stein,
147
00:05:17,824 --> 00:05:20,492
Whose bow tie tells us he works
for some liberal think tank.
148
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,694
And the food in his beard tells us
149
00:05:21,761 --> 00:05:22,795
That he purchased a snack pack
150
00:05:22,862 --> 00:05:24,029
On the train from new haven.
151
00:05:24,097 --> 00:05:25,698
Ooh, that's got to hurt, walter.
152
00:05:25,765 --> 00:05:28,133
Let's get to the countdown. First topic.
153
00:05:28,201 --> 00:05:30,336
Prime minister wen wants a weak yuan. Do we?
154
00:05:30,403 --> 00:05:32,371
China needs to transition
to a spending economy.
155
00:05:32,439 --> 00:05:34,006
After dubai, what's the next credit crisis?
156
00:05:34,074 --> 00:05:35,107
The baltics or women's tennis.
157
00:05:35,175 --> 00:05:36,475
Do we need a second bailout?
158
00:05:36,543 --> 00:05:38,077
- Absolutely...Not.
- I love it.
159
00:05:38,144 --> 00:05:39,478
Try to get in there, beta dog.
160
00:05:39,546 --> 00:05:40,779
- I am trying.
- On three.
161
00:05:40,847 --> 00:05:42,615
Who will be thnext president
of these United States?
162
00:05:42,682 --> 00:05:43,882
Three.
163
00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:46,251
Mitt romney's oldest son jezba.
164
00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:48,087
- Dennis kucinich.
- Okay, that's sad, walter.
165
00:05:48,154 --> 00:05:50,155
Just sad. Jack, back to you.
166
00:05:50,223 --> 00:05:51,457
Who's number one on your speed dial?
167
00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:53,092
Blackberry, warren buffett.
Iphone, jimmy buffett.
168
00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:54,259
- Favorite movie.
- Tie.
169
00:05:54,327 --> 00:05:55,594
The fountainhead or uncle buck.
170
00:05:55,662 --> 00:05:57,162
i>- My wife and I just saw
the yellow handkerchief.
171
00:05:57,230 --> 00:05:58,797
Just sit a couple out/ stein. God.
172
00:05:58,865 --> 00:06:00,132
All right, karaoke. Go to jack. Hit me.
173
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,934
- Nitty gritty dirt band.
- Oh, I rock the brothers.
174
00:06:02,002 --> 00:06:03,335
Hey, let's grab a drink after this.
175
00:06:03,403 --> 00:06:04,470
You read my mind.
176
00:06:04,537 --> 00:06:05,871
We'll be right back after this ad
177
00:06:05,939 --> 00:06:07,673
Aimed at the elderly.
178
00:06:07,741 --> 00:06:09,808
One second.
179
00:06:12,779 --> 00:06:14,046
Hey, tray,
180
00:06:14,114 --> 00:06:15,848
I really need a ride home from the doctors
181
00:06:15,915 --> 00:06:17,016
On valentine's day.
182
00:06:17,083 --> 00:06:18,317
- Can't do it, li
-lem.
183
00:06:18,385 --> 00:06:19,818
On valentine's day,
184
00:06:19,886 --> 00:06:21,553
Angie and I rent a room
with a heart-shaped hot tub
185
00:06:21,621 --> 00:06:22,821
And cook chili in it.
186
00:06:22,889 --> 00:06:24,356
Then we take it to a soup kitchen
187
00:06:24,424 --> 00:06:26,959
And that's where it
starts to get sexy.
188
00:06:28,461 --> 00:06:30,496
Hey, jenna, please tell me
189
00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:31,664
You haven't already concocted
190
00:06:31,731 --> 00:06:33,232
Your usual valentine's day drama.
191
00:06:33,299 --> 00:06:34,700
Can't talk, liz.
192
00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:36,635
I just got my stalker's work
address from his parole officer.
193
00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:39,538
And I'm gonna confront him
about why he's ignoring me.
194
00:06:42,308 --> 00:06:44,710
Hey, kenneth. Are you free on valentine's?
195
00:06:44,778 --> 00:06:46,211
No, miss lemon. I'm sorry.
196
00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:49,348
I will be attending an al
l-day abstinence rally.
197
00:06:49,416 --> 00:06:50,516
You're welcome to come.
198
00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:51,684
I think I've got an extra
199
00:06:51,751 --> 00:06:54,987
Gender-neutralizing hood.
200
00:06:55,055 --> 00:06:58,323
- No. Thanks. God.
- Hey, liz!
201
00:06:58,391 --> 00:07:00,893
- Hey.
- The answer's no.
202
00:07:10,971 --> 00:07:11,773
Hello, maynard.
203
00:07:13,841 --> 00:07:16,076
Jenna, you shouldn't have come here.
204
00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:17,510
Well, what was I supposed to do?
205
00:07:17,578 --> 00:07:18,912
It's almost valentine's day
206
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,380
And I haven't heard anything from you.
207
00:07:20,448 --> 00:07:22,415
Has the dog who gives you your orders died?
208
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:25,518
No. Brandon's fine. Jenna, we need to talk.
209
00:07:25,586 --> 00:07:27,087
I don't think I can stalk you anymore.
210
00:07:27,154 --> 00:07:29,856
No. You don't mean that.
211
00:07:29,924 --> 00:07:32,225
Look, I have a new therapist,
I'm taking my meds.
212
00:07:32,293 --> 00:07:33,393
I can't even see electricity
213
00:07:33,461 --> 00:07:34,794
Shooting out of your head any more.
214
00:07:34,862 --> 00:07:36,329
Well, is there someone else?
215
00:07:36,397 --> 00:07:38,598
It's one of those kids from glee,
isn't it?
216
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,433
Jenna, please, don't make a scene.
217
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,603
I always knew this would end someday.
218
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:45,272
I just thought it would
be with me in the trunk
219
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:48,508
Of a rental car.
220
00:07:57,051 --> 00:07:58,151
So, uh, where did you go to school?
221
00:07:58,219 --> 00:07:59,552
Choate, then yale,
222
00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:01,454
Then two years in africa
with the peace corp.
223
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:03,156
The peace corps. That's surprising.
224
00:08:03,224 --> 00:08:05,358
Oh, no, the peace corp.
225
00:08:05,426 --> 00:08:06,893
Lawrence peace's corporation.
226
00:08:06,961 --> 00:08:09,162
We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.
227
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:10,630
Oh, of course.
228
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:13,433
I learned to talk to gorillas
when I worked for ge medical.
229
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:16,670
Uh, we're going to test poisons on you.
230
00:08:16,737 --> 00:08:17,904
Oh. -
231
00:08:17,972 --> 00:08:21,741
So, uh, are you seeing anyone?
232
00:08:21,809 --> 00:08:23,343
Not for a few months.
233
00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,178
You remind me of him, actually.
234
00:08:25,246 --> 00:08:27,847
I have a thing for commanding
salt and pepper types.
235
00:08:27,915 --> 00:08:29,182
I don't know why.
236
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:31,251
I think it started when
I walked into my parents
237
00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:33,320
Doing it the day reagan was shot.
238
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,654
- I wouldn't over
-analyze that.
239
00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:38,925
Hello.
240
00:08:38,993 --> 00:08:40,994
I am calling about the mad
e-up conference call with geneva.
241
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,495
I love having secrets with you.
242
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,431
One time, I ran over an old lady in arizona
243
00:08:44,498 --> 00:08:46,166
And just kept driving.
244
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:47,300
Yes. Damn it. Geneva.
245
00:08:47,368 --> 00:08:48,702
Well, cancel the conference call.
246
00:08:48,769 --> 00:08:51,204
I'm doing something far
more important right now.
247
00:08:51,272 --> 00:08:54,474
And more beautiful.
248
00:08:54,542 --> 00:08:57,644
You're kidding, right? I mean,
that's your move?
249
00:08:57,712 --> 00:08:58,912
- I
-I beg your pardon.
250
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:00,513
It's 3:30 in the morning in geneva, jack.
251
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:01,948
Who's your call with?
252
00:09:02,016 --> 00:09:03,850
The hooker working the corner
outside of raiffeisenbank?
253
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,185
Oh, well, it is February.
254
00:09:05,252 --> 00:09:08,388
And in switzerland,
that is night business month.
255
00:09:08,456 --> 00:09:10,657
- Okay.
- All right, I'm sorry.
256
00:09:10,725 --> 00:09:11,992
I forgot who I was dealing with.
257
00:09:12,059 --> 00:09:13,827
Stay and just have another drink.
258
00:09:13,894 --> 00:09:15,462
Look at me, jack.
259
00:09:15,529 --> 00:09:17,030
Look how my body goes with this dress.
260
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,065
I don't need to be dealing with amateurs.
261
00:09:24,038 --> 00:09:26,339
Listen, frank, I really need
a ride home from the doctor
262
00:09:26,407 --> 00:09:27,507
On valentine's day.
263
00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:28,541
Are you free?
264
00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,143
No. That cleaning lady finally agreed
265
00:09:30,211 --> 00:09:31,311
To go out with me.
266
00:09:31,379 --> 00:09:32,812
We're gonna pick up some pierogies
267
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,314
And then eat them at her husband's grave.
268
00:09:34,382 --> 00:09:36,282
you thought you were so
much smarter than us,
269
00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:38,451
Didn't you?
270
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,120
But now you're in the exact same
271
00:09:40,187 --> 00:09:42,222
Crappy valentine's day
boat everyone else is in.
272
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:43,490
No, I'm not.
273
00:09:43,557 --> 00:09:45,291
I just need a ride home, not a date.
274
00:09:45,359 --> 00:09:46,860
They're completely different situations.
275
00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:48,461
How's that?
276
00:09:48,529 --> 00:09:50,497
All we want on valentine's day
is to know that someone cares
277
00:09:50,564 --> 00:09:51,698
Even a little about us.
278
00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:55,068
Aren't you lookivg for the same thing?
279
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,337
In fact, yours is worse.
280
00:09:57,405 --> 00:09:58,738
If you don't get that tooth fixed,
281
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,740
The infection will
probably move to your brain
282
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:02,675
And kill you.
283
00:10:02,743 --> 00:10:05,178
Yeah, well, if I die,
my ghost is gonna haunt you.
284
00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:07,280
Then your ghost is gonna see
285
00:10:07,348 --> 00:10:09,649
Some disgusting stuff.
286
00:10:13,087 --> 00:10:16,156
Lemon, look at this. It's from avery jessup.
287
00:10:16,223 --> 00:10:17,390
Oh, it's set to the wrong time.
288
00:10:17,458 --> 00:10:18,558
It's set to geneva time.
289
00:10:18,626 --> 00:10:19,826
Last night, avery saw right through
290
00:10:19,894 --> 00:10:21,161
My conference call move.
291
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:22,962
Today, she sent this.
292
00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:24,898
"hopefully you won't make
the same mistake again,
293
00:10:24,965 --> 00:10:26,332
Mon sel et poivre."
294
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,802
That means "my salt and
pepper" in swiss french.
295
00:10:28,869 --> 00:10:31,604
She's hitting the ball back, lemon. Game on.
296
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:33,106
Wow. Avery jesvup. She's hot.
297
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,142
She was on maxim's "
I'd rape that 100."
298
00:10:36,210 --> 00:10:37,544
I know. And besides being beautiful,
299
00:10:37,611 --> 00:10:39,212
Avery is smart and doesn't suffer fools.
300
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,513
And when I eventually seduce her,
301
00:10:40,581 --> 00:10:43,483
It's going to be... Very satisfying.
302
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:44,818
Well, great.
303
00:10:44,885 --> 00:10:46,853
I hope you enjoy your weird game
304
00:10:46,921 --> 00:10:48,388
Of sexy one-upsmanship.
305
00:10:48,456 --> 00:10:50,490
Meanwhile, the male escort that I hired
306
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:51,925
To take me home from surgery
307
00:10:51,992 --> 00:10:54,160
Has had a chlamydia flare-up, so--
308
00:10:54,228 --> 00:10:55,495
Uh, lemon, I wish I could help you,
309
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:57,430
But I have to concentrate on avery.
310
00:10:57,498 --> 00:11:00,266
Uh, I need a big next move
and you have a show tonight.
311
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:03,069
I've invited her to be my guest at the tgs
vip room.
312
00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:05,805
We don't have a vip room or vips.
313
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,073
Get jon bon jovi.
314
00:11:07,141 --> 00:11:09,476
He's nbc's current artist in residence.
315
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:10,777
What is that?
316
00:11:10,845 --> 00:11:12,645
i>- A not stupid program
that I came up with.
317
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:15,148
Bon jovi is under contract
with us for a full year
318
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,749
And scheduled to appear across a variety
319
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:19,352
Of programming platforms.
320
00:11:27,862 --> 00:11:30,430
Okay, fine. I'll set it up.
321
00:11:30,498 --> 00:11:31,464
Thank you.
322
00:11:31,532 --> 00:11:32,599
Because tonight, she's going to get
323
00:11:32,666 --> 00:11:33,933
The jack donaghy "a" game.
324
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:36,336
Ooh. She's getting the
jack donaghy "a" game.
325
00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:38,438
Hope she can keep her clothes on.
326
00:11:38,506 --> 00:11:41,774
Lemon, your hair looks very nice today.
327
00:11:41,842 --> 00:11:43,176
You should wear it like that more often.
328
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:47,614
- Oh, my. Well, I
-I never, uh...
329
00:11:52,686 --> 00:11:54,954
Oh. Ma'am, is something wrong?
330
00:11:55,022 --> 00:11:58,691
- Maynard left me.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
331
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,160
Look at this.
332
00:12:00,227 --> 00:12:02,195
It's the first letter he ever sent me.
333
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,330
"jenna, I was in your bedroom last night.
334
00:12:04,398 --> 00:12:07,133
I left a gift in your toilet.
335
00:12:07,201 --> 00:12:09,802
You will be my bride someday."
336
00:12:09,870 --> 00:12:11,538
Oh.
337
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,473
How can you be upset about
losing a guy like this,
338
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:14,541
Miss maroney?
339
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,109
Look, I know it's crazy.
340
00:12:16,177 --> 00:12:17,610
Maynard is a weirdo.
341
00:12:17,678 --> 00:12:20,180
But that weirdo loved me unconditionally.
342
00:12:20,247 --> 00:12:21,781
You know what I realized?
343
00:12:21,849 --> 00:12:24,350
He's the longest relationship I've ever had.
344
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:27,120
Except, of course, for doug.
345
00:12:27,188 --> 00:12:28,321
Please do not say what doug is.
346
00:12:28,389 --> 00:12:31,925
Doug is my vibrator.
347
00:12:31,992 --> 00:12:35,195
This is the worst valentine's day ever.
348
00:12:35,262 --> 00:12:36,763
Hello, this is elizabeth lemon.
349
00:12:36,830 --> 00:12:38,831
I have surgery scheduled tomorrow.
350
00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:40,733
And I am not embarrassed to tell you
351
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,735
That I don't have anyone to pick me up
352
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,404
And I will be leaving alone.
353
00:12:44,471 --> 00:12:45,972
Ma'am, you really need someone.
354
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,974
i>- No, I don't. I don't need anyone.
355
00:12:48,042 --> 00:12:49,475
Because I can do every single thing
356
00:12:49,543 --> 00:12:51,211
That a person in a relationship can.
357
00:12:51,278 --> 00:12:55,915
Everything. Even zip up my own dress.
358
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,083
Hmm.
359
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,251
You know, there are some things
360
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,186
That are actually harder
to do with two people
361
00:13:00,254 --> 00:13:02,655
Such as...Monologues.
362
00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:05,325
i>- Look, if you really
don't have anyone,
363
00:13:05,392 --> 00:13:06,793
You can sign a liability release,
364
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:07,961
Then you can leave alone.
365
00:13:08,028 --> 00:13:10,029
I'll fax it to your office. - Great.
366
00:13:10,097 --> 00:13:12,732
Thank you for looking out for a sister.
367
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,101
In a feminist way, not because you're black.
368
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,103
Although it doesn't matter
because I'm black too.
369
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,872
No. You're gonna meet me. No, I'm not black.
370
00:13:30,972 --> 00:13:32,906
Thank you for setting all this up, lemon.
371
00:13:32,974 --> 00:13:34,575
Grizz, dotcom, thank you for pretending
372
00:13:34,643 --> 00:13:35,743
To be bouncers.
373
00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:37,077
Maybe some day we'll live in a world
374
00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:39,213
Where you ask us to
pretend to be scientists.
375
00:13:41,716 --> 00:13:43,884
Jon. Thank you for coming.
376
00:13:43,952 --> 00:13:44,985
Oh, no problem, jack.
377
00:13:45,053 --> 00:13:46,186
What do you need, arena rock anthem,
378
00:13:46,254 --> 00:13:47,254
Power ballad?
379
00:13:47,322 --> 00:13:48,989
Actually, I have a date coming by.
380
00:13:49,057 --> 00:13:50,791
So if you can come over at
some point and say hello,
381
00:13:50,859 --> 00:13:52,993
That would really impress her.
382
00:13:53,061 --> 00:13:54,595
Oh, sure. That sounds
like an appropriate use
383
00:13:54,663 --> 00:13:57,531
Of my time and talent.
384
00:13:57,599 --> 00:14:00,100
Liz. The doctor's office
faxed this to you earlier.
385
00:14:00,168 --> 00:14:01,535
Hey, when are you going to set up that cool
386
00:14:01,603 --> 00:14:02,536
Vip lounge?
387
00:14:02,604 --> 00:14:05,472
Thank you, cerie.
388
00:14:08,743 --> 00:14:10,110
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
389
00:14:10,178 --> 00:14:12,212
You shouldn't sign anything
without reading it first.
390
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,547
I made that mistake once
391
00:14:13,615 --> 00:14:15,783
And I ended up nbc's artist in residence.
392
00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:18,352
Oh. Okay.
393
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:20,087
Give me it.
394
00:14:20,155 --> 00:14:22,089
I have an honorary degree
from monmouth university.
395
00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:23,257
Hmm.
396
00:14:23,325 --> 00:14:24,758
"I, the undersigned,
397
00:14:24,826 --> 00:14:26,393
"henceforce known as the alone,
398
00:14:26,461 --> 00:14:27,995
"hereby state that on February 14th,
399
00:14:28,063 --> 00:14:31,265
I have absolutely no one in my life."
400
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:33,167
You're alone on valentine's day?
401
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:34,735
It's not about a date.
402
00:14:34,803 --> 00:14:36,537
I just don't have a ride home
from the doctor's office.
403
00:14:36,604 --> 00:14:38,005
But isn't that the same thing?
404
00:14:38,073 --> 00:14:39,740
I mean, isn't it about
having somebody out there--
405
00:14:39,808 --> 00:14:40,908
Yeah, I get it, bon jovi,
406
00:14:40,975 --> 00:14:43,477
It's already been explained to me.
407
00:14:43,545 --> 00:14:47,915
"I, the alone, otherwise
known as jane sadwoman,
408
00:14:47,982 --> 00:14:50,284
"release dr. Kaplan's office
409
00:14:50,352 --> 00:14:52,586
Of all legal responsibilities.
410
00:14:52,654 --> 00:14:55,923
"will likely die alone eaten by house cats."
411
00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:57,658
Boy, this seems like a lot of unnecessary--
412
00:14:57,726 --> 00:14:59,827
Forget it. I am not signing this.
413
00:14:59,894 --> 00:15:02,229
I reject the idea that there's some stigma
414
00:15:02,297 --> 00:15:03,464
To being alone.
415
00:15:03,531 --> 00:15:04,631
All rit, then what's the plan
416
00:15:04,699 --> 00:15:05,899
If you don't sign the release?
417
00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:07,735
I'll just tell them that my "boyfriend"
418
00:15:07,802 --> 00:15:09,069
Is gonna pick me up.
419
00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:10,871
And then after the surgery,
I'll make a run for it.
420
00:15:10,939 --> 00:15:12,306
So you're going to invent a boyfriend
421
00:15:12,374 --> 00:15:13,574
On valentine's day?
422
00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:17,244
That is the lamest thing
I've heard since...This.
423
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:20,414
I'm tyke myson, baby boxer.
424
00:15:20,482 --> 00:15:22,049
I wrote that.
425
00:15:22,117 --> 00:15:25,552
I'm tyke myson, baby boxer.
426
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:28,088
Hey, jack, who's this lovely--?
427
00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:29,289
Excuse me, bon jovi,
428
00:15:29,357 --> 00:15:30,624
I'm in the middle of a conversation here.
429
00:15:30,692 --> 00:15:33,794
- Yeah, but you said to--
- uh, thank you.
430
00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:36,930
- I hate it here.
- Wow.
431
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:38,265
That was a lot better
432
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:39,933
Than your little conference call move.
433
00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:41,568
Can I get you a drink, avery?
434
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:42,703
Or we could just get out of here.
435
00:15:42,771 --> 00:15:46,173
Yes. We could.
436
00:15:50,378 --> 00:15:52,413
Hello. Elizabeth lemon.
437
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:53,714
Do you have your release?
438
00:15:53,782 --> 00:15:56,250
No, I don't need it because my boyfriend,
439
00:15:56,317 --> 00:15:57,985
Astronaut mike dexter,
440
00:15:58,052 --> 00:16:00,320
Will be picking me up...
441
00:16:00,388 --> 00:16:02,656
On his motorcycle.
442
00:16:02,724 --> 00:16:04,825
- Mm
-hmm. Take a seat.
443
00:16:04,893 --> 00:16:06,093
* I will *
444
00:16:06,161 --> 00:16:11,632
* remember you *
445
00:16:11,699 --> 00:16:15,068
* will you remember me? *
446
00:16:15,136 --> 00:16:18,739
Oh. Oh.
447
00:16:18,807 --> 00:16:23,210
Ah.
448
00:16:23,278 --> 00:16:27,815
* *
449
00:16:32,187 --> 00:16:34,588
* *
450
00:16:37,592 --> 00:16:39,359
* *
451
00:16:39,427 --> 00:16:42,162
* that we had *
452
00:16:43,865 --> 00:16:46,166
* *
453
00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:49,369
maynard?
454
00:16:49,437 --> 00:16:51,004
* I will *
455
00:16:51,072 --> 00:16:55,409
* remember you *
456
00:16:55,477 --> 00:16:57,377
You know, I don't think the "anastacia"
457
00:16:57,445 --> 00:17:00,481
Actually "affectored" me.
458
00:17:00,548 --> 00:17:02,149
Oh, my god. What are you doing here?
459
00:17:02,217 --> 00:17:03,784
We knew you'd need a ride home.
460
00:17:03,852 --> 00:17:05,052
What do you mean we?
461
00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:06,954
You can't leave without a ride, dummy.
462
00:17:07,021 --> 00:17:08,589
Happy valentine's day.
463
00:17:08,656 --> 00:17:10,290
Oh, you have some dried blood on your teeth.
464
00:17:10,358 --> 00:17:11,625
You're here.
465
00:17:11,693 --> 00:17:13,227
You're all here because you didn't want me
466
00:17:13,294 --> 00:17:14,495
To be alone today.
467
00:17:14,562 --> 00:17:18,131
Oh, floyd, I still think every day
468
00:17:18,199 --> 00:17:19,366
About what would've happened
469
00:17:19,434 --> 00:17:21,802
If I had gone to cleveland with you.
470
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:23,971
And even you, dennis,
471
00:17:24,038 --> 00:17:26,106
Watching the color purple
drunk with you
472
00:17:26,174 --> 00:17:28,976
Was one of the funnest nights of my life.
473
00:17:29,043 --> 00:17:32,713
And drew, so handsome.
474
00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:35,282
So, so stupid.
475
00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:38,685
Seeing all of your beautiful faces
476
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:41,688
And dennis' jean jacket,
477
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,123
I know that I don't need anyone,
478
00:17:43,191 --> 00:17:45,559
But I do want to be loved.
479
00:17:45,627 --> 00:17:46,727
We all do.
480
00:17:46,794 --> 00:17:48,328
And if it didn't work out between us,
481
00:17:48,396 --> 00:17:52,132
It's just because I'm not
finished becoming me yet.
482
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,735
But I will find love someday.
483
00:17:54,802 --> 00:17:57,404
Because I am a sailor
484
00:17:57,472 --> 00:17:59,940
On the sea of the human heart.
485
00:18:00,008 --> 00:18:01,842
Okay, this bitch is tripping her ass off.
486
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:03,343
Well, what do we do with her?
487
00:18:03,411 --> 00:18:04,978
I got a date tonight.
488
00:18:05,046 --> 00:18:07,548
I say we order us some
pizza and lock her in here
489
00:18:07,615 --> 00:18:08,849
For the weekend.
490
00:18:08,917 --> 00:18:09,983
I'm gonna start dialing numbers
491
00:18:10,051 --> 00:18:10,984
Till somebody pick up.
492
00:18:11,052 --> 00:18:13,554
What's that, bon jovi?
493
00:18:13,621 --> 00:18:15,455
You love me too?
494
00:18:19,928 --> 00:18:21,895
Hey. You want to grab breakfast?
495
00:18:21,963 --> 00:18:23,730
You're sweet, jack, but let's not pretend
496
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,332
This is anything more than it is.
497
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,000
I'm sorry?
498
00:18:27,068 --> 00:18:28,936
Look, despite what happened
in the shower last night,
499
00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:30,137
I'm a pretty traditional girl.
500
00:18:30,204 --> 00:18:32,706
I mean, I want a husband
someday and a family
501
00:18:32,774 --> 00:18:34,241
And men like you don't.
502
00:18:34,309 --> 00:18:35,842
"men like me"? That isn't fair.
503
00:18:35,910 --> 00:18:37,044
I want a family.
504
00:18:37,111 --> 00:18:38,679
A son I can throw a ball to
505
00:18:38,746 --> 00:18:40,948
And when he's older,
have power struggles with.
506
00:18:41,015 --> 00:18:43,350
Jack, you don't have to lie to me, okay?
507
00:18:43,418 --> 00:18:45,018
I love guys like you.
508
00:18:45,086 --> 00:18:47,354
You're great! For one night.
509
00:18:47,422 --> 00:18:48,689
Look, avery, I admit, this isn't
510
00:18:48,756 --> 00:18:50,924
What I was looking for
going into this weekend.
511
00:18:50,992 --> 00:18:52,459
But you're an amazing woman.
512
00:18:55,930 --> 00:19:00,434
Lemon, I c--oh. You're kidding.
513
00:19:00,501 --> 00:19:03,170
Okay. I--I--I'll be right there.
514
00:19:03,237 --> 00:19:05,372
Uh, I need to go.
515
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,008
Jack, the phone trick again?
516
00:19:08,076 --> 00:19:09,843
I mean, I'd be insulted
if I wasn't so impressed
517
00:19:09,911 --> 00:19:10,944
By your assistant.
518
00:19:11,012 --> 00:19:12,179
This isn't a trick.
519
00:19:12,246 --> 00:19:14,948
I have to pick up a
hallucinating employee of mine
520
00:19:15,016 --> 00:19:16,450
From the oral surgeon's office.
521
00:19:16,517 --> 00:19:17,951
Well, that's at least creative.
522
00:19:18,019 --> 00:19:20,187
Look, cancel your walk of shame.
523
00:19:20,254 --> 00:19:22,823
Come with me on a car ride of proof.
524
00:19:27,161 --> 00:19:30,797
oh, my god.
525
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,532
Who did this?
526
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,035
I don't know.
527
00:19:35,103 --> 00:19:37,671
I guess some weirdo out there loves you.
528
00:19:40,475 --> 00:19:41,842
Thank you, kenneth.
529
00:19:41,909 --> 00:19:45,212
I don't know what you're talking about.
530
00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:46,980
Happy valentine's day.
531
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,195
What hotel is this?
532
00:20:02,263 --> 00:20:03,563
Uh, would you just keep an eye on her?
533
00:20:03,631 --> 00:20:05,932
I'm gonna turn down her bed.
534
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,301
i>- I was sure he was making this up.
535
00:20:08,369 --> 00:20:10,270
Yes, you're a very pretty doggy.
536
00:20:10,338 --> 00:20:13,106
Hey, what do you think about jack?
537
00:20:13,174 --> 00:20:16,877
Who, jacky? He's the best one.
538
00:20:16,944 --> 00:20:19,646
I don't know what I would do without him.
539
00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:21,214
Yeah, he is pretty great, isn't he?
540
00:20:21,282 --> 00:20:25,218
bon jovi.
541
00:20:27,455 --> 00:20:30,457
- Um...
- Uh, no, no, no, no, lemon.
542
00:20:30,525 --> 00:20:32,292
It's time for bed. It's time for bed. Yeah.
543
00:20:34,529 --> 00:20:37,831
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544
00:20:38,831 --> 00:20:48,831
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545
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