Original subtitles

[CHATTERING]

The Smiling Fish, a waterfront bar, that is what you said, didn't you?

Yeah, but it looks deserted.

I don't like empty places that should be crowded.

It means trouble.

- This time of day? - Uh-huh.

So sorry, please, rickshaw not free now...

...honorable gentleman, try someplace else.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

Napoleon.

How long do we have to keep this up. My feet are getting cold.

Well, your suffering distresses me, but not very much.

Max is approaching The Smiling Fish now.

Oh. There's a very pretty girl with him.

It is all right, Max.

It is all right.

Wait for me.

Next, we have the current disposition of the American Pacific Submarine Fleets.

A very valuable item indeed. Complete and up to date.

What am I offered?

Shall we begin the bidding at $100,000?

CLEVELAND: One hundred thousand dollars from Comrade Voshnosh.

- One hundred and twenty. - One hundred and fifty.

Any advance of 150?

[CLEVELAND CHUCKLES]

A small price, ladies and gentlemen. You can do better than that.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

One hundred and seventy-five.

One hundred seventy-five.

CLEVELAND: Two hundred thousand dollars.

Any advance of $200,000?

Sold to Comrade Voshnosh for $200,000. Mr. Knopfagel.

That is $200,000 transferred from the account number....

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

[GONG SOUNDS]

Apricot. I bid you welcome.

WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Mr. Cleveland.

The item for which we have all been waiting...

...has arrived in Hong Kong by courier.

It will be delivered to you during the course of the day.

- Is that the--? - Shh.

I need not tell you we expect considerable interest...

...on the part of all your buyers.

I am putting a reserve price on it.

One million dollars. Is that understood?

Understood.

We will get more.

Well.

While we wait the arrival of this special item...

...where were we?

Ah.

The Panamanian installations of the U.S. Nike sites and their range.

Shall we start the bidding at $150,000?

[DOOR OPENS]

- Did you bring it? - Well, Merry. How nice to see you.

Ha-ha. Uh....

- Did you bring the money? - No more money.

Oh.

So that's their answer, huh?

That's their answer.

- In that case, I didn't bring it. - Well, in that case, take a look-see.

[MAX GRUNTING]

[MAX AND MERRY GRUNTING]

After all the things I've done...

....I get killed for a Pine Tree shilling.

It doesn't make sense.

Does it?

- What's he talking about? - He is dying and he knows it.

Tell me. Tell me again.

What is it you are trying to say?

A dragonfly.

A dragon....

There's nothing we could have done.

What happened? What's his name?

I do not know.

He just stopped to ask me the way and I was showing him.

We'd better get out of here.

That big man, he might have friends.

- My name's Bernie Oren. And you're, uh...? - Heavenly.

Heavenly Cortelle.

Oh, God. Quickly, we are not safe here.

We'd better find a policeman.

There's a cop over there.

HEAVENLY: No. Wait.

[SOLO GRUNTING]

Run, Heavenly. Run.

She's already done that. It's just the three of us now, so let's have a little chat.

- Okay? - Okay?

Okay.

A Pine Tree Shilling?

That's what he said.

He said, "After all the things I've done, I get killed for a Pine Tree Shilling."

Know what it means?

It's a 17th century American coin, quite valuable.

Not valuable enough to interest the man we're after.

Tell us why you went to help Max Wenzel. You knew him?

No, I'm just a tourist just looking around Hong Kong.

I saw a fellow American in trouble, I went to help him.

I'm good at the hai hai business, made a hobby of judo, karate, the works.

You were just passing by?

Just passing by.

Well, I'd prefer to believe you, but it does sound a little fortuitous.

[INTERCOM BEEPING]

Scusi.

Mr. Waverly on the console from New York.

Oh, good.

Well, Mr. Solo, we've got those answers for you.

That fingerprint you sent us by telephoto belongs to a man named Bernie Oren.

Age 26.

Occupation, student.

Address, Clary, Montana.

Honorable discharge from the Marines.

Three medals in South Vietnam.

Good record.

Now on a tour of the Far East traveling second class, seems to be in the clear.

Good. Illya thinks we may be able to use him.

If you decide to put him to work, bear in mind he's not expendable.

Yes, I'm well aware that he's not one of us.

Have you discovered what it was Max Wenzel was delivering to Apricot?

A shilling.

Seems like rather a small price to pay for a man's life.

Any price, Mr. Solo, is a small price for a man's life.

- And kindly remember that. - Yes, sir.

Incidentally.

Our office in Macao has reported that the Red Chinese...

...have just purchased the NA TO naval intelligence code.

In Hong Kong.

Urgency, Mr. Solo, is the order of the day.

Yes, sir.

- Is it ready? - Mm-hm.

Let's test it.

[STATIC CRACKLING]

[VOICE ECHOING] Testing, testing.

- He's cleared. - Good.

How would you like to earn some money?

Legally, but dangerously.

Suppose you tell me first just who you are, Mr. Solo?

Suppose I don't.

- Take you on trust? - Something like that.

How much is some money?

One thousand dollars?

Is your life worth that much?

- You must need me real bad. - As bait, Bernie.

This man that we're after, he calls himself Apricot.

Man, woman or organization, we don't know what.

But we do know that Apricot sells secrets, anybody's secrets...

...to the highest bidder, and American secrets are fetching the highest prices.

Danger isn't so hard to face when you know just how big it is.

Now, Max Wenzel was a courier.

We don't know what he was carrying, but he was carrying it for Apricot.

He came to Cleveland, this toy manufacturer...

...and he upped the price, we believe, and arranged to meet him later on with it.

He then went to a nightclub called The Dragon's Tooth...

...where he met Heavenly Cortelle.

Then he went to The Smiling Fish, and that's where he was killed.

Your timely arrival on the scene...

...we hope, may persuade Apricot that you are Max's partner.

That you have the item that Max was bringing. If so--

If so you retrace Max's steps...

...and probably, we believe, that Apricot will come gunning for you.

- That's all I have to do? - That's pretty simple, isn't it?

You did say a thousand dollars?

That's what I said, just go to the Dragon's Tooth...

...and nowhere else but the Dragon's Tooth.

Well, I was hoping I'd see Heavenly again.

[CHATTERING]

He said it was a Pine Tree Shilling.

I do not know what a Pine Tree Shilling looks like...

...but it is not one of these.

It is the man that came to Max's rescue.

His partner?

Would he have one?

I do not know.

But I will soon find out.

Hello, Heavenly.

Well. Hong Kong's full of surprises.

Did not take you very long to find me.

We're all entitled to a bit of luck once in a while.

The same kind of luck that took you to The Smiling Fish?

Oh, that wasn't luck, I was looking for Maxie.

Oh.

He was carrying something pretty valuable.

I was just keeping my eyes open.

Not too successful, was I?

- Down the hatch. - He didn't have it.

HEAVENLY: Before they got rid of the body, they looked.

I know. I have it.

Tell your pals, Heavenly, they've got to deal with me now.

Well, what about it, Heavenly?

What's that thumping noise in the background?

His heart.

- Scared already? - Mm-mm.

He's met his heart's desire.

My friends will deal with you.

HEAVENLY: Willingly.

If you can convince me that you really have it.

But I do not believe you, Bernie.

Are you sure?

Half sure.

There's an easy way to find out, isn't there?

I'll see you on the Heavenly Circuit, Heavenly.

Well, that wasn't very helpful, was it?

Well, at least it shows which side she's on.

Well?

[SIGHS]

He says he has got it.

There is an easy way to find out, isn't there?

Can you handle him properly this time?

This time, I'll be ready for him. Ha-ha.

- You know where The Smiling Fish bar is? - I know.

WOMAN: Across the water. OREN: Let's go.

Got a date with a fish over there.

I told him only the Dragon's Tooth, he doesn't follow orders too well.

[SIGHS]

You're gonna tell us just what you did with that coin.

Uh....

- I don't have it. I don't know where it is. - No?

Then who does have it?

Uh.... My partner, there's another guy keeping his eye on me. He has it.

You really expect me to believe that?

[ALL COUGHING]

OREN: Hey, let me down.

I believe someone wants to come out.

OREN: You've got to do better than that. SOLO: Oh, really?

[GUNSHOTS]

SOLO: I think it behooves us to leave.

SOLO: No time to be coy.

I don't figure I hardly earned that, Mr. Solo.

But I tried, didn't I?

You almost got yourself killed doing it. That's what you're being paid for.

So thank you, Bernie. And we'll call it a day, all right?

You mean I'm fired?

I mean you should have stayed at that nightclub and let them talk.

I figured I had a better way.

So I goofed, a guy's allowed one mistake, isn't he?

No. Not in this business, he isn't.

But you did help us.

You showed us that Heavenly is part of an unfriendly organization.

I just can't believe that.

Yeah, and that is your second mistake.

I'd sure like to try just once more. That toy manufacturer's house?

No, Bernie, no. Too many people have gone into that house and not come out.

I'll take care of it myself, all right?

SOLO: It's been nice knowing you.

Well, if you run across Heavenly....

Afraid you ruffled his dignity a bit.

Maybe it'll keep him alive and make him wash his hands of the affair.

He does overreach himself a bit.

And a man had best not lose his balance with the likes of Apricot around.

Where's that map of the Cleveland place?

It's right in front of you.

There's a whole series of passageways at the back, that's your best way in.

If you find any geese, freeze.

They're not called the watchdogs of the East for nothing.

[SQUAWKING]

[DUMPSTER CLANGS]

[RATTLING]

I thought I told you to stay away from here.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

What? Oh.

You need my help, I know you do.

Yeah, you need a kick in the pants. Now, go home.

Out. Out, out and don't come back.

[GEESE SQUAWKING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hold it.

Inside.

Before the night is out...

...this man will have served a very useful purpose.

There is one item on your list, Mr. Cleveland...

...which is of the utmost importance to me.

I refer to the, uh....

- The American coin. - Yes.

The most important piece of merchandise that has ever come into our hands.

CLAUDILE: So it has come into your hands.

My information is that there has been a slight contretemps.

Well, there has been a slight delay in delivery...

...but nothing of any consequence, I assure you.

You mean the murder of the man who was delivering it?

You are well informed, Madame Claudile.

A necessary qualification for my profession.

[CHUCKLING]

I am prepared to do business...

...on, how shall I put it, unusual terms?

This coin was acquired for us in America.

It was sent here by a courier named Max Wenzel.

Wenzel has met with an accident.

And the coin has been mislaid.

This way.

This incapacitated gentleman at our feet has been of great importance to us.

He is one of Max Wenzel's partners.

He knows where that coin is.

Each and every one of us in this room is sufficiently skilled...

...I venture to suggest, in the arts that are necessary to make him talk freely.

So I offer you one body, ready for interrogation.

Shall we begin the bidding at $100,000?

SCHNUGER: One hundred thousand dollars. - One hundred thousand from Herr Schnuger.

VOSHNOSH: Eh.... Two hundred thousand.

- Two hundred and fifty. - Do I hear $300,000?

[GONG SOUNDS]

Apricot is with us.

WOMAN: Cleveland, have you sold the coin?

Not yet.

A representative from Outer Mongolia is on his way here to bid for it.

Wait for his arrival.

His name is Toptamish Kipchak.

He is traveling as Jeremiah Krim.

And he will identif y himself to you with the password:

"The tundra is fertile."

- Is that understood? CLEVELAND: Understood.

- When will he get here? - In three hours.

You will wait for him.

He has already put up the reserve bid of $ 1 million.

Oh....

It is always a pleasure to welcome a newcomer to our organization.

We will keep the coin in abeyance and proceed to the next item.

[DIALING PHONE]

Operator, get me the police. Quick.

Hello? Police headquarters?

You know that big house on the waterfront, the Cleveland place?

They're killing a man in there.

That ought to do it.

[SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- Get rid of that. - But the police.

- They're all over the place. - Get rid of that.

Hurry, Miss Wong.

Nothing to be alarmed about. This is not the first time.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

And here they are now.

Well, gentlemen, what an unexpected pleasure.

Unexpected, true, but a pleasure, I doubt, Mr. Cleveland.

Someone said...

...a man was being killed.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, only one of my competitors.

This is a sales meeting, sergeant, nothing more.

I sell toys.

[RATTLING]

Search the place. Thoroughly.

[SQUEALS]

[MUMBLING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[GRUNTING]

Bernie. Oh. Oh....

Bernie?

Oh.... Oh....

Bernie. Oh....

[MUMBLING]

HEAVENLY: Do wake up.

Bernie?

It is me.

Heavenly.

[SOLO MUMBLING]

I love you.

You do?

Well, then tell me who that man is.

Max's partner?

Who, him?

No. He's just some kind of a secret agent. I'm just working for him.

[SOLO MUMBLING]

Would you not rather work for me?

Oh, yeah.

I will be in touch.

[SOLO MUMBLING]

Well, you sure look a mess.

I'm sorry, I can't work for you any longer, Mr. Solo.

I've got a better offer. Heavenly, wait for me.

Nevertheless. Thanks.

Max tried to contact Apricot and was killed.

Bernie tried and was caught. You tried and--

Yes, and the less said about that the better, thank you.

- Passenger list you asked for. - Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here we go, passenger Jeremiah Krim.

Merchant traveling from Ulan Bator.

Fight number 37 landing 10 minutes ago. Come on, we'll miss him.

MERRY: This way, Excellency.

[SPEAKING MONGOLIAN]

I give you one minute to put away gun. Ha-ha.

Then I kill you.

First, Jeremiah Krim, there is something you have to tell me.

I will be called by my name...

...Toptamish Kipchak.

There is no one in this room who knows you, Toptamish Kipchak.

Ha-ha. Then know me by these words:

[CLEVELAND GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLING]

The tundra is fertile.

[SIGHS]

Be seated, everyone.

Join us, Toptamish Kipchak.

[SIGHS]

I think you do not know any of our clients here.

Madame Claudile from France.

I do not care to know any of them.

I have come for my coin.

- Your coin? - You have it?

No. I do not have it.

But, like all our finances...

...it will be sold against promise of delivery.

And that will be when?

Whenever it is.

You are merely one of the many who will bid for it.

This is no place for a woman.

Whatever this woman offers you, I will double it.

Provided coin is what you claim it is.

That uncouth stable hand smells of camels.

Listen to his offer, Cleveland, and I will double it.

[YELLING IN MONGOLIAN]

Kipchak will have coin regardless of price.

I will have it.

CLEVELAND: I will accept offers from both of you.

Shall we start the bidding at--?

KIPCHAK: You already have my bid of $1 million.

However, I asked you for assurance.

I am waiting for assurance.

There is no doubt of its authenticity. When you test it, you will see.

[CHUCKLING]

There was a man like you...

...in Ulan Bator.

Who tried my patience.

The vultures are now picking at his bones.

I wish to raise the bid, Cleveland.

Among my people...

...when a woman dares to oppose Kipchak...

...I have her flogged...

...and dragged behind wild horses.

CLEVELAND: Please, please.

One simple test, Your Excellency...

...will assure you of its authenticity.

Now. A normal Pine Tree Shilling is made from silver.

It is soft and malleable.

But this one....

The metal cannot be bent, twisted or cut.

It is harder than a diamond.

It can withstand a temperature of 7000 degrees.

It impervious to any kind of damage.

It was cast from the top-secret alloy known as G739...

...the metal used in the nose cones of the American long-range missiles.

And, Excellency...

...you may subject it to any type of test before payment.

[GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

Any type of test that you desire.

It was conceived...

[GUN COCKS]

...in the utmost secrecy.

[HEAVENLY SCREAMING]

Bernie. Oh, Bernie. Aah!

[HEAVENLY GRUNTING]

Unless you can explain, you know what we do with traitors.

[GONG SOUNDS]

WOMAN: No one will move.

Keep still. Everyone.

CLEVELAND: Apricot. WOMAN: Be quiet.

WOMAN: There's a stranger in this room.

The same clothes, the same voice, but a stranger.

Kipchak.

WOMAN: Kipchak was arrested at the airport 20 minutes after he landed.

- Tie him. Bring me your knife. WOMAN: No.

WOMAN: In another room.

[SIGHS]

ILLYA [IN NORMAL VOICE]: You have no idea how uncomfortable all this is.

Well, we won't be needing this anymore, will we?

[GRUNTS]

WOMAN: Bring them to The Smiling Fish.

The three of them.

The rest of you will wait here. We will return shortly.

And we will have that coin, I promise you.

- You sound very confident. - Yes, I am very confident.

One of these three will tell us everything we want to know.

CLEVELAND: Move.

- Hmm? - Move.

[SIREN WAILING]

- Little fun and games here, huh, sergeant? - Games, perhaps.

But fun, that depends on which side you're on.

By the by, which side are you on?

I think your department has been alerted discreetly...

...to my organization's interest in this place?

U.N.C.L.E. Ha-ha. Yes, quite.

- I'm Sergeant Fauntleroy. Mr...? - Solo. You're going into this place?

Yes.

A friend of ours needs help.

Really? Well, friend of mine too, maybe. Um.... Who called you?

- So sorry, sir. That's privileged information. - I see.

Well, may I at least join you?

Delighted to have you. Positively delighted.

Think, Bernie. There must be something. Something you saw. Something you heard.

Nothing. Just a Pine Tree Shilling and a dragonfly.

Done.

WOMAN: Now, one of you will tell me where that coin is.

That woman's life is in your hands.

I know you won't believe it, but I honestly wish that I could.

WOMAN: You know what to do.

[GASPS]

Apricot.

Where would you hide a coin? You'd spend it, wouldn't you?

Well, I do know where it is. I'll tell you.

Then tell me.

I'll make a bargain with you. Let these two go. Keep me.

I'll tell you.

Promise.

- No. - Then, no deal.

[BUYERS CHATTERING]

SMITH-JONES: Well, really.

Same old story.

I thought someone else was here.

Oh, someone else was here.

And I wonder where they went.

And I wonder which one of you is going to enlighten us.

I refuse to talk in this debased posture.

WOMAN: You know where the coin is? - I do.

WOMAN: I'll give you 10 seconds to tell me where the coin is.

And in 10 seconds, she will be shot.

You've gone to an awful lot of trouble for nothing, you know.

WOMAN: Nothing?

Max Wenzel crossed to this bar in a sampan, didn't he?

WOMAN: You know he did.

And he told the sampan woman to wait.

He also gave the sampan woman a handful of coins...

...which the sampan woman put into her purse.

That sampan woman was you, Apricot.

The dragonfly that Max referred to is the dragonfly design on your purse.

- Now. - Apricot.

[GUNSHOTS]

Are you all right, lieutenant?

Bernie. Oh, Bernie.

OREN: Lieutenant? Hey, you didn't tell me anything about--

I am sorry. But I am a lieutenant.

With the Hong Kong Special Service Squad.

Lieutenant, you don't really want the purse now, do you?

Not really.

[HEAVENLY SIGHS]

Let Sergeant Fauntleroy round up the prisoners.

With pleasure. Sergeant?

OREN: Gee, a lieutenant.

Is there anything else we can do for you?

A souvenir of Hong Kong. Take it home to your family.

That boy just never stops looking for trouble, does he?

Well, he's safe now.

In the arms of the law.

[ENGLISH SDH]